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If you looked at Jay’s arms, you’d be able to easily recognize one thing.
His mental health was a fucking mess.
Scars covered his forearms. He’d been clean for a while now, but he knew that’d change at some point.
And now, it was looking pretty bleak for his self harm sobriety.
He was sitting on the floor of the bathroom at the monastery. He’d stripped off all his clothes except his boxers. He hated how exposed his chest was. But at the same time he couldn’t bring himself to care.
All that was on his mind was the transphobic comments that were flooding Chirp.
“Trans people are erasing men and women.”
“Trans people are grooming kids.”
“Trans people are mutilating their bodies.”
Trans people are mutilating their bodies.
Trans people are mutilating their bodies.
Trans people are mutilating their bodies.
The words wouldn’t leave Jay’s mind. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. He hadn’t started medically transitioning yet because of those kinds of comments.
He stared at the razor blade in his hand. One of Kai’s.
At least Kai didn’t let the comments get to him bad enough that he wasn’t taking T.
Jay hadn’t even noticed he was crying. He continued to stare at the razor blade. After a minute he let it make contact with his skin.
He wanted to bleed, and he wanted to bleed bad .
He quickly sliced his skin, taking a chunk of flesh with it. Blood pooled around it and started to run down his arm, dripping onto the floor. He did it a few more times before cleaning off the razor blade and putting it back where he found it. He stared at the wounds he’d given himself.
At least they’re not deep enough to make me bleed out ….
Jay wrapped his arm to prevent the blood from staining his pajamas, then went back to bed, hoping to the First Spinjitzu Master the injuries wouldn’t be obvious through his gi in the morning.
“Hey, Jay!” Lloyd said enthusiastically as Jay walked into the courtyard to train.
“H-hey.” Jay desperately tried to keep any hint of depression or exhaustion out of his voice. Nobody seemed to notice.
Nobody, that is, except Zane, who shot him a worried glance. He apparently decided it was because they’d just woken up, and Jay had never really been a morning person.
The day went on as normal, with Kai regularly making comments on what was trending on Chirp. Jay agreed to play a few rounds of Prime Empire with Kai and Cole before bed.
“C’mon, I would’ve won that!” Kai said with playful annoyance in his voice, glaring at Cole.
“Heh, yeah, ‘kay,” Cole replied with a smirk. “Even your dad agreed that I’m better at Prime Empire than you.”
Kai rolled his eyes with a scoff, although a smile made its way to his face.
Lloyd, who’d been spectating the gameplay session, seemed to notice Jay’s abnormal silence.
“Doing okay, Jay?” he asked, ignoring the playful bickering between Kai and Cole.
“Yeah, I think I’m just tired,” Jay responded. “I’m gonna head to bed. You two have fun.”
Lloyd, Kai, and Cole watched as he left, worried.
“Something’s wrong,” Jay heard Cole say as he left the room. He decided to sit in the hall and listen to the conversation that transpired in the relaxation room.
“You don’t think the things people have been saying on Chirp lately are getting to him, do you?” Lloyd said.
“I don’t know,” Kai replied. “Does he even have a Chirp account?”
“You’ve been reading off trending tags and articles all day, Kai,” Cole said with an unamused tone.
Jay sighed, heading to his room. He quickly got dressed in his pajamas, rubbing his arm slightly. While he hadn’t sliced enough off to bleed out, there were still dips where he sliced the flesh off.
Once he assumed everyone was in bed, he went to the bathroom, locked the door, and grabbed Kai’s razor blade again.
This time, he went for his chest.
Instead of slicing, he decided to just go for shallow superficial cuts instead. It took everything he had to not start slicing chunks out of his breasts — and everything wasn’t enough.
Once he was done, he cleaned off the razor blade again, then bandaged his chest. He knew he shouldn’t, but there wasn’t another way for him to keep gauze on the correct places otherwise.
When Jay got to his room, he found Cole, Kai, Zane, and Lloyd had made their way there.
“Jay, something’s wrong, we can tell,” Kai said gently. “You can tell us. If — if it’s what’s being said on Chirp —”
“I’m fine,” Jay mumbled, crossing his arms. “Please leave my room so I can go to sleep.”
“Jay —”
“Zane, I said get out,” Jay growled. “Please.”
Kai, Cole, Lloyd, and Zane glanced at each other.
“Okay, but please let us know when something’s wrong,” Kai said as he left the room with Cole, Lloyd, and Zane. “We’re always here for you.”
Jay sighed as tears ran down his face. He was relieved when Zane shut the shoji door behind him. He quickly got on his bed, crying.
This is going to go too far.
Then it’ll be too late.
There’ll be nothing that can be done for me. Nothing that can save me.
Nothing.
Somehow Jay had managed to hide his injuries — which had been steadily increasing in numbers — for 3 weeks now. His showers were incredibly short, he’d been eating much less (almost not at all), and he’d lost enough weight to get Pixal’s attention.
“Jay, you must eat,” she said quietly, sitting across from Jay in the dining room. She sighed. “Everyone’s worried about you, Jay. I … I don’t know what transphobia is like. But you need to find another way to deal with it besides starving yourself.”
Jay almost electrocuted her on the spot. He didn’t want health advice — he didn’t want to hear anything about what he was doing to himself.
At this point everyone noticed how much weight he’d lost. His gi didn’t fit properly anymore and it got in the way when he’d train. His cheekbones were unhealthily visible.
He was surprised nobody had told him he looked like a skeleton yet.
His chest was at least a little flatter.
Nobody brought up Jay’s health anymore out of fear of him lashing out at them. It always ended in electrocution; something that wasn’t pleasant when your body didn’t have the kind of electricity tolerance that Jay’s had.
Nobody bothered bringing up his weight.
Nobody bothered bringing up how tired he was all the time.
Nobody bothered bringing up how depressed he was.
Nobody bothered even asking him if he was okay anymore.
He’d just electrocute them if they did.
And frankly Jay was perfectly content with that.
It was almost too late when he was finally found slicing bits of his skin off.
It had been a few weeks since Pixal tried to get him to eat. He still hadn’t eaten almost anything.
Jay was in the bathroom slicing bits of the skin on his thighs off. He was practically a skeleton at this point. There wasn’t much to slice off.
He ended up slicing too deep.
Panic set over him. There was a knock on the door.
“Jay? Is everything alright?” Zane’s voice was more concerned than it had ever been.
Jay started sobbing.
He just wanted everything to end . He heard more footsteps coming towards the door.
“Jay — you — you need to answer buddy.” Kai’s voice was incredibly shaky. It was abundantly clear that he was terrified of what was going on on the other side of the door.
It just made Jay start sobbing harder.
“Cole, we need to get in there,” Lloyd said anxiously.
“Right.”
Jay passed out as soon as the door was opened.
“Oh my god, go get Wu,” Cole said quietly. Lloyd ran out of the room.
“What was going on that made him torture himself like this?” Kai said, crying.
“I-I don’t know — get — get me a cloth or a rag — we need to stop this bleeding now —”
Zane quickly tore off his sleeve, handing it to Cole, who tied it tightly around Jay’s leg.
“His vitals are destabilizing more by the minute,” Zane said as tears ran down his face.
“Fuck, Lloyd, hurry,” Kai said quietly, wiping his eyes.
Cole barely registered getting on the Bounty and getting Jay to the hospital. His mind was too fogged over with what the fuck could’ve possibly driven Jay to almost kill himself .
We should’ve pushed him for answers ….
“Cole, it’s okay,” Zane said gently as Cole paced the lobby of the ER. “His vitals should be stabilized once he’s taken care of by the nurses and doctors.”
“Why would he do this though?” Cole whispered.
“You know how sensitive he is,” Kai replied. “He took something to heart.”
“We should’ve pushed him for answers.”
“I don’t like being electrocuted,” Kai said, and Lloyd and Zane nodded in agreement.
“Would you rather he’d have fucking died ?!” Cole was practically yelling.
“Cole, calm down.”
Cole broke down sobbing in the middle of the lobby, eventually falling asleep in Zane’s arms with Kai softly stroking his hair.
Jay woke up to bright white lights and sniffling. He flinched at a sharp pain in his hand. Looking down, he saw an IV line where the pain he’d felt was — as well as how thin he was. His eyes started watering.
I almost fucking killed myself ….
Looking around, he realized the sniffling was coming from Cole, who was alone in the room with him. The second Cole noticed Jay was awake, he ran over to him and hugged him tightly.
“I thought I lost you, you fucking brat,” he said, sobbing into Jay’s shoulder. Jay hugged him back tightly.
“I … I’m sorry,” Jay said, crying. “I should’ve told you what was going on, I should’ve never bottled everything up, I was just —”
“Jay, i-it’s okay,” Cole said quietly. “You’re okay and you’re safe now, that’s all I’m worried about.”
Cole hesitated before asking the question burning on his mind.
“Jay, why — why’d you do it anyway?”
Jay stayed silent.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to explain. It’s just … you’re like 75 pounds and you’ve sliced up so much of your skin.”
“I … I took transphobic comments on Chirp to heart. The pain from slicing up my skin was addicting, I just …”
Jay started sobbing.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Cole.”
Cole broke off from the hug, taking out his phone. Jay’s eyes widened.
“What are you doing?”
“Something.”
Jay watched as Cole opened Chirp and started a new post.
Kai would be the better one to deliver this given how many followers he has but after what just happened … I quite frankly do not care.
We just almost lost Jay. He’s been slicing up his skin and hasn’t eaten in several weeks. He told me it’s because of transphobic comments on Chirp.
He was almost driven to fucking killing himself because a bunch of dickwads online can’t keep their shitty incorrect opinions to themselves. Reassignment surgery is not mutilation.
Slicing up your skin? Mutilation. You should all be fucking ASHAMED of yourselves. We almost lost a ninja again. I hope you rot in a pit.
“Cole, isn’t that last sentence a little harsh —”
“Jay, I almost lost you. I’ll make all the threats I want.”
“I haven’t even had reassignment surgery, what —”
“Considering how much you sliced chunks of your own flesh off and the fact that you’ve basically developed anorexia, I’m pretty sure that’s the main thing that was bothering you.”
Cole’s expression softened and he sighed, looking at Jay.
“I was terrified I was gonna lose you, Jay,” he said quietly. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m just happy you’re safe.”
Cole got into Jay’s bed, holding him like he’d slip away if he didn’t hold onto him as tightly as possible.
They stayed like that until Cole had to leave.
For the first time in several weeks, Jay smiled.