Work Text:
Entry 1:
I was born in 1976 and for most of my life I was known as James Moriarty. I had a rather shitty childhood. I never really had a family, not really. My father beated the crap out of me and and vented out his frustrations on me. He left when I was six and never came back, he made it very clear that I would never be good enough for him. And I'm not even talking about my alcoholic mother's abuse. I ran from "home" when I was eight. I eventually ended up in the foster care system. The only relative I kept in contact with was my aunt. Once, she managed to convince my foster "family" to send me to a summer camp where I was voted "Most Likely to Take Over the World" and won a trophy. I was a teen at the time. But I couldn't live with my aunt because there wasn't enough room for me in her home and she had three sons to take care of and provide for. I never blamed her, it wasn't her fault that my parents were nasty pieces of garbage. After seven foster care families and more abuse and neglect, I ran from "home", again. I was fourteen. To survive on the street I joined some criminal gang. Everybody's gotta eat and needs a roof over their head and clothes on their back. You can't afford the basic needs of life without money. Years later when I was well into adulthood, I built my own criminal network. I was a spider, a spider at the centre of a web; criminal web with a thousand threads, and I knew precisely how each and every single one of them danced, as Sherlock once remarked. When Molly Hooper used Sherlock's real name on her blog instead of an alias, I was able to trace Sherlock and find him.
I flirted with him and let him know I was interested in him. I didn't understand what that boy could have have been thinking. Try John Watson, like in a big, fat, one track way. I could see that Sherlock was attracted to me but that he would never return my romantic feelings for him. Attraction doesn't necessarily mean love. Sometimes people mistake attraction for love and misunderstand love for attraction. While the two can co-exist together, it's important to remember that there's a distinction between the two. Sexual attraction is not enough for a meaningful long-term relationship and it's not enough to keep a couple together for all their lives. I gave Sherlock my phone number, I thought he might call, but he never called. After the pool incident, I felt angry, and hurt by the rejection. I sat on a sofa, drank whiskey and popped a CD in the CD player. The song "That's all" by the band Genesis started playing, followed by the songs "Can't get you out of my head" by Kylie Monogue and "I can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt. I was going to lose it. I couldn't just stand there, pining after Sherlock Holmes, drinking whiskey and listening to these sad songs about unrequited love and failed relationships. I had to snap out of it or at least try to move past this. Maybe a trip to the park and the fresh air would do me much good.
Entry 2:
I met Mycroft at the park and I flirted with him. At first, it was just a game. But we kept seeing each other more and more often and I fell for him. I then realized that I was meant to be with Mycroft and to be his and that all this time I had been in love with the wrong brother and I then realized it's been the other one for me all along. And this one returned my romantic feelings and there was more between us than sexual attraction. Though the sex was amazing, what I loved even more was snuggling with him in bed or on the couch, carrying on long conversations in hushed tones, feeling his hand running through my hair. Then something awful happened. He was kidnapped and brutalized by stupid communist sympathizers. I was their king, I owned those morons and I still couldn't find Mycroft. I though I would never see him again. I nearly called Sherlock, but he came home. After that I realized that my criminal network put Mycroft and our family in danger. I knew they would come after the man I loved and our family again. And I couldn't let that happen. Also, I was more than content with my life with Mycroft and I didn't want to be a crime lord or criminal mastermind anymore. That's when I got this idea, faking my death, and I knew that Sherlock was going to do the same thing. Then I would help Sherlock take down my network. I needed the web torn down and the only person clever enough to do so was Sherlock. I waited for him at the rooftop while listening to "Stayin' alive" by the Bee Gees on my phone. I faked my death just before he faked his, to protect my family. And so we both died at the roof that day
James Moriarty no longer needed to be entertained. I was more than content with my life with Mycroft and our family. Sherlock came close, but in the end it was Mycroft who made it so I didn't need to be entertained or look for distractions. So I had to do the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life, but it was for the best. I faked my death. Mycroft had to believe that I was really dead, he had to buy that at all costs. I had to break Mycroft's heart, to protect him, just like Sherlock and John. The network was twisted. Even with me sending hints and clues to Sherlock, it took him over a year to untangle it all. If I had disappeared and stopped working, my successor would have hunted me down and killed everyone I loved before killing me. Breaking Mycroft's heart and letting him believe that I was dead was the most difficult and painful thing I've ever had to do, on that day, my heart shattered. But it had to be done, to protect him and the rest of the family, to keep them safe. Mycroft the man I loved with all my heart and was engaged to. Sherlock whom I was fond of even though he could be annoying at times. Mycroft's sweet mother who showed me nothing but kindness. After taking down my network, I got really scared because Mycroft and Sherlock nearly got killed by Sebastian Moran. Fortunately for us, I was able to quickly intervene and they are both still alive. I'm glad. When Mycroft found out that I had faked my death, he was angry and heartbroken all over again. I tried to tell him why I did it. But he told me to leave. I told him that I would be at the park everyday for an hour after lunch. He had no contact with me for close to a month but he sent Anthea with boxes of baked goods. This gave me hope. He needed time to heal and process things, I gave him as much time and space as he needed. After a month or so, we went on a few dates together and eventually we started living together again and we couldn't keep our hands off each other.
Entry 3:
Eight months later...
Six months after these events, our engagement rings became wedding rings and we decided that I would take his last name. We both loved my first name, James, so I would keep it, but I didn't want to be associated with the name Moriarty anymore and keeping it just wasn't a good idea. So I took my husband's name and became James Holmes. Martha Hudson couldn't stop crying at our wedding. She was so happy for us. Bless that sweet woman. She forgave me for everything I put her through back when I was James Moriarty and she showed me nothing but kindness, she even shared some of her cooking recipes with me. Sherlock was still a smug prick sometimes, but he didn't hold a grudge and he had tried to get his brother to forgive me. It felt weird that Sherlock, the man I was in love with in the beginning, was now my brother-in-law. Yeah. Moving on! John had forgiven me too and we were on speaking terms. He said that since I saved Mycroft and Sherlock's lives when they nearly got killed by Sebastian Moran, helped Sherlock take down my criminal network, and made Sherlock's brother happy, he decided that I had sufficiently atoned for my past wrongs over the last year and a half and that I had earned my redemption. Molly and I became friends which is what we should have been from the start, I was embarassed that I had duped her and I apologized to her but she was over that and she was in a fulfilling love relationship with Greg Lestrade. John's wife gave up her life to save her daughter's in a car accident and John was raising his daughter, Rosie, with Sherlock, they were pretty much her dads and they were planning to get married soon. That made Mycroft and I her uncles. Uncle Mycroft and uncle James. I liked the sound of that. I would get her CDs of the best music I can think of, like Johahn Sebastian Bach, my favorite composer.
I am so glad that Mycroft is a part of my life and that I'm a part of his. There are days when I'm not doing well and it's the same for him, but we have each other and our family. Mycroft doesn't seem to care that I'm currently an unemployed math geek and I intend to find another job soon. I've taken to writing a journal. It helps me cope with stress. Also, I'm having a bit of therapy to get any negativity out of my mind and must say this really helps. My husband accompanies me to therapy. Having someone I trust accompany me to therapy is helpful because I feel supported. I'm now thirty-seven and my husband is forty-one and we have a fulfilling love relationship. I never thought I'd get to experience marital bliss, but I sure enjoy the experience. My life has changed a lot in the past year and a half and my family said that I have changed too. I an thankful to my husband because he made me a new man and I want to return the favor for all the things he has done for me. We all had something to atone for and I think we did everything we possibly could to fix our mess. I must say, I really am please that things worked out for the better. I can't wait to see what the future will bring. It won't always be great, but whatever happens, we can all face it together. They will be there for me and I will be there for them. That's what family and friends are for. I better go now. I'm going to cook dinner for my husband, sprinkle the kitchen table with flower petals and light some candles. I will make it extra special for him and let him know once more just how much I love him.
- End -