Archive of Our Own

The classroom was full-- elite and grit stream alike-- in attendance for the lecture. Simon was so busy following George to the last open seats as Dean Penhallow finished the opening speech that he didn't glance over to see who the guest lecturer was.

"May I welcome to Shadowhunter Academy-" she said as Simon slid into his chair and tried to get comfortable "-our first guest lecturer: Isabelle Lightwood!"

Simon jerked his head up in surprise, and then his eyes went wide. Maybe Isabelle was the one here to lecture to them about less-used weapons, but she wasn't here alone. Jace Herondale was leaned against the wall, looking like he was ready for a fashion photoshoot and not like he was keeping one of his friends company while she gave a lecture about things he could recite in his sleep.

"Thank you for those kind words, Dean Penhallow," Isabelle said, and Simon didn't need to have all his memories back to know that she wasn't being genuine. Her eyes trailed Dean Penhallow as she left the room and closed the door behind her, and then Isabelle turned to the classroom with a sneer. Instead of staying near the front where the lectern was, she took slow, measured steps until she was between the rows of desks. Each step she made left a sharp click from her heels, and Simon wanted to make a comment about how stilettos killed, but he didn't think that would be well received. Isabelle made it past the first row of desks, then started to speak as she slowly made her way through their pitiful ranks-- and they were pitiful; this close to two real Shadowhunters, it was obvious that even the elite stream didn't hold a candle to either of them.

"I am not actually here to instruct any of you idiots," she said, her tone low and venomous as her voice carried.

Simon glanced at Jace reflexively-- a reflex he hadn't known he had-- and saw that there was a slight look of confusion on his face. Evidently, he didn't know the real reason Isabelle was here anymore than Simon did.

Fortunately, Isabelle was all too happy to elaborate. "If you want to use a whip," she continued, and Simon had the horrible feeling that she was drawing out the kill with the way she was leading up to this, her every word deliberate, "train with one. If you lose an ear, don't be a whiny baby about it. Slap a healing rune on yourself and keep going, because that's what everyone else has to do. Understand?"

Dazed nods. Whether it was her beauty or the way she was talking to them like she would be all too happy to kill them if they disagreed, no one protested her rather harsh words. If they were still friends, and if Simon had the memories to go with it, he might be able to tell what had her in such a bad mood, or talk her down so she didn't take it out on a bunch of people who were suffering enough as it was.

"I am here for one reason, and one reason only," she said, back at the lectern. She turned to face them all again, her hair giving a flourish so perfect he would say it was photoshopped except it was real life and not a commercial. "To tell everyone to keep their grubby, unworthy hands off of Simon." She pointed straight at him even though she hadn't made eye contact with him before now. "Simon Lewis is off limits. If you want to fool around or try to get a boyfriend, you can look anywhere but at him. He may not be able to remember it right now, but he is taken. If you so much as think about pursuing a romantic relationship," she said, hand going back to her side, "I will personally hunt you down and crush you into a fine powder that even the Silent Brothers won't be able to identify."

She glared daggers at the people closest to him, and George didn't move, but he did very quickly say, "We're just bros," like he thought Isabelle would strike him down where he was sitting if he didn't plead innocence.

Beatriz, on the other hand, did scoot her desk away from Simon's.

Simon couldn't help but look at Isabelle incredulously. His eyes flickered past her to Jace, and the surprise there was masked, but present. There was something else there too, but fuck if Simon knew what it was. He had enough hints of memories to know there was more there, but he didn't remember Jace well enough to actually decipher it.

"That's all," she said with a smile like a knife. "Thank you for your attention." With that, she left.

Jace didn't move.

Simon felt like he should run after her because of the big announcement she made, along with the fact that he knew they used to date, but... but they weren't dating anymore. He'd told her that they were done before he agreed to come to the Academy, and she had nodded. He thought they had an understanding. Besides, Jace wasn't leaving, and Simon didn't want to miss the possibility of an actual lecture to chase after her and rehash a conversation they'd already had. He could figure out what the hell her speech had been about later. Somehow. Maybe he could write a letter-- if there was even a post office around here. 

"Well, maybe she didn't come here to talk to you about less-used weapons, but that is why I'm here," Jace said, lying through his teeth, not that anyone else noticed. Simon wondered how he knew it was a lie. "Yes I use a seraph blade, but I have enough experience to be able to tell you the basics. First off, don't pick it just because it looks cool. That's how people like you are going to stab yourselves-- treating a weapon like an accessory. A whip is a good choice for two reasons: the material, and the extended range. Electrum has many properties that regular steel doesn’t, feel free to look it up on your own time if you want to know more. A crossbow has better range than a whip, but far less than a bow which is why it doesn't get used very often. It's got more force than a bow as well, so it's especially good against werewolves, who can handle a lot more punishment than you." He pushed himself off the wall with a move that shouldn't have looked graceful but did and stepped to the lectern so he could lean against it instead of the wall, his posture lazy like he was waiting for a coffee and not talking about weapons.

He was pretty good at lecturing, actually. He hadn't prepared for this, but his thoughts were organized; Simon had been right when he said Jace could teach this in his sleep.

Jace ended the class after twenty minutes, and he neatly sidestepped the people wanting to fawn over him by calling Simon over and waiting to the side as a clear sign that this was to be a private conversation.

Simon's stomach twisted as everyone shuffled out, leaving the two of them alone in the somewhat decrepit classroom.

"I wish Isabelle had given me a heads up for what she had planned so that I didn't make a fool of myself coming with her," he said with a smirk that made it clear he knew no one had thought of him as a fool.

"Why did you come?"

"I wanted to see you," Jace said with an easy shrug. "You look like you're doing well."

"Looks can be deceiving," Simon replied.

Jace laughed even though that wasn't one of Simon's better jokes.

"Why did Isabelle do that? We talked before I came here, and she said that she was fine with our relationship being over." Then he frowned as something occurred to him. "She said that I was taken. Why would she say that? We're not together anymore, and she knows that."

"Why are you so upset about it? Lots of people wanting to date the resident hero?"

Simon's frown stayed right where it was. "No, have you seen me? It's a miracle Isabelle ever wanted to date me, and anyone here that might've been interested stopped when they realized what a loser I am."

"You're not a loser."

Simon stared at him. It's not like he thought Jace was lying and that's why he was staring. It was, in fact, because he thought Jace was telling the truth. The vehemence with which he said it was enough to shock anyone, and it didn't make sense! What was going on here? He would never figure it out on his own, so after a little more dumbfounded staring, he asked, "What the hell is going on?"

"What do you mean? Isabelle can be weird at times, but as you said, it's not like anyone was trying to date you. It doesn't matter, right?"

"She's not the only one being weird. Why did you come all the way out here? To see me? That's what you said, but it doesn't make sense."

"How would you know? You don't remember how close we were."

"I know enough about myself to know that when someone who looks like you says we're best friends, you're full of shit." It wasn't deprecating; it was fact. Clary was his best friend and she was beautiful, but they'd met as kids. When they were kids, it didn't matter who was cute and who wasn't, they made friends by sharing a box of crayons well and pretty much nothing else. So for Simon and Clary, it made sense. For Simon and Jace, who had met as teenagers-- nearly adults-- it didn't. Jace was gorgeous, and Simon wasn't. People like them didn't get to be close very easily. There was a barrier there.

Jace grimaced. "Do you really think I'm that shallow?"

"What?" No, seriously, what?

"If you think that I'd refuse to be friends with you over something like that, then-"

"No," Simon interrupted, "no, that's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?" Jace asked with a confused frown.

Simon tried to answer, sputtered several times, then asked again, shouted it, actually, "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you," Jace said again, seemingly unfazed by Simon yelling at him.

"Why?"

Jace clenched his jaw, and his eyes flashed.

If Simon could remember everything, he would know what that meant. Or maybe it would be as much of a mystery as it currently was.

"Is it so hard to believe I care about you?" he asked, voice low.

"I find it hard to believe that you care more than Clary and Isabelle. Clary's my best friend. I've known her my whole life; maybe I don't remember everything from when I was a vampire, but I remember all of our mundane years together, and she isn't the one here trying to make conversation. Isabelle was my girlfriend. That little speech she gave was weird but it makes sense that she wanted to come and see me again. So she dropped by and then ran away, Clary stayed away, and yet you're here. There's no way you missed me more than them, so what? What is it? Some vampire friend I used to have died and you don't know how to break the news to me when I don't remember them but you know that I would want to know about it?"

Jace's expression was unreadable. He looked at Simon, and Simon looked right back, hoping that Jace would answer him and make this whole thing make sense. Jace weighed his options, and Simon waited. Eventually, Jace said, "You said that you didn't want to be told about your past life. I can't explain why I'm here and why I care, unless you want me to fill you in on the memories you're missing. So?" he said, and now Jace was the one waiting while Simon thought.

He wanted to know. Of course he wanted to know, he wanted for this to make sense, and he wanted to stop being blindsided when the friends he couldn't remember did things like this. On the other hand, Jace was right. He'd told them that. He didn't want to be told about his life, he wanted to remember it. He remembered more with every day, but most of the time it was a snippet that didn't make sense, and nothing else. He didn't have entire scenes to try and piece together this friendship Jace referenced. He wasn't sure he remembered anything about Jace that didn't have to do with him swinging a sword and saving Simon's ass. He wanted to remember when him and Jace started getting along and how it happened on his own.

And that was what he was going to hold to, even though curiosity burned in his stomach.

He shook his head.

"Then I came to see how you were doing, and that's all. You can still change your mind, you know," Jace said.

"I want to Ascend, and not because it's my only chance to get all my memories back," Simon said tiredly.

"What? No, I meant that you can change your mind about the Academy. The offer to train you at the New York Institute is still open. I'm a better trainer than whoever they have here for you."

"Yeah, and you're humble, that's what I like most about you."

Jace flashed him a smile, a wide smile that made him look more happy and less like he was trying to look good. He had a chipped tooth. "Admit it, Simon, if I were humble you'd be bored out of your mind with no one to make fun of."

"Shadowhunter ego," Simon said as he rolled his eyes. "Am I going to get that when I Ascend? Is there any way to opt out?"

"Afraid not. It's a mandatory package deal for beginners." Jace leaned closer and stage-whispered, "And it's chronic. Once you go Nephilim, you never go back."

Simon started to laugh, then had a sudden image of another time Jace said that to him. Considerably more smug, tousled hair from hands run through it too many times, and lips swollen from kissing. Simon's laugh stopped halfway through his throat, and he felt like his breath froze along with it.

Jace's expression morphed into concern. "Are you okay?"

Another memory. The same look of concern, that same tone, only desperate. Ichor splatter across Jace's face, and he held onto Simon tightly with one hand, like his well-being was the only important thing in his life. Simon stumbled back, eyes wide. He felt like he couldn't stand. His legs turned to jelly underneath him, and he would be embarrassed about the way he folded and Jace caught him if he weren't dealing with a minor crisis.

"Simon, what's wrong?"

He shook his head. Then he realized he was holding onto Jace like a lifeline and snatched his hand away. He was still leaning on him heavily, but that couldn't be helped when his legs had the strength of cooked spaghetti. He swallowed to make sure he was capable of human speech, then said, "Remembered something. Caught me off guard. Sorry."

"You don't need to apologize for things that aren't your fault."

Simon didn't deign to respond to that. It was because he couldn't think of anything to say, but he was going to pretend that it was because of something important.

When he finally felt like he could stand on his own, he did so, and brushed off Jace's concerns. It wasn't easy. Jace kept insisting, but Simon proved more stubborn. Also he promised to take it easy until he felt better, and that was when Jace finally agreed to head back to New York.

Simon went back to his slimy room and fell back on the bed. He stared up at the ceiling, mind spinning. Him and Jace had been involved. What about Isabelle? Simon didn't need his past memories to know that Jace and Isabelle were basically siblings. How could he do that to her? How could Simon do that to her? Hell, moral questions aside, how the fuck had Simon convinced two totally hot people to date him at the same time? Vampire-Simon must've had serious game to pull that off, even though his skin crawled to think he'd been two-timing.

The more he thought about it, the more confused he was. He'd been told that him and Isabelle had dated. No one had mentioned anything about him and Jace, so maybe it was a secret? But everyone said that him and Isabelle had been in love. Simon found it hard to believe that he'd been in love with either of them if he'd dated them at the same time without anyone knowing-- although, Jace presumably knew that Simon had been with both of them.

Okay, here were the facts from either his memory, or his friends telling him.

1. Him and Isabelle had dated.
2. He'd talked to Isabelle before leaving for the Academy about how he didn't want her to wait for him or expect for their relationship to ever be picked up where they left off.
3. Isabelle had agreed to the above.
4. Isabelle had shown up today and warned everyone off of dating Simon, as if they'd never talked about the end of their relationship.
5. He and Jace had made out at least once and cared about each other.

Numbers 4 and 5 didn't mesh with 1-3, and he didn't know how to reconcile them. Maybe he should've asked for Jace to explain while he was here, because at least then he would understand. It would be better than the circles he was running in his head over this. He had a feeling that no matter how many times he turned this over, it wasn't going to make sense unless he gained more memories or new information. Jace had triggered two new memories while he was here, but that usually didn't happen. If it was that simple, he could've stayed with his friends and gotten most of his memories from being around them and hearing inside jokes and the like. That hadn't happened, so he couldn't count on his memories coming back to help him with this dilemma. Jace wasn't staying here, so even though Simon wanted to track him down and demand an explanation, that wasn't an option. Jace wasn't at the Academy, and he wasn't in Idris at all. Simon's chances of getting him face to face by walking up to him anytime soon, were low. So low that it was basically impossible.

He sighed and kept staring at the ceiling as he ignored the scuttling of one of the rats in the wall.

Catarina didn't hate him anymore, but she wouldn't be willing to portal him to New York and back just so he could talk to Jace about an affair they had. Did it count as an affair if he hadn't been married? Maybe it was considered normal cheating. Whatever, the point was that he couldn't count on a warlock taking pity on him and portalling him to the New York Institute.

He could write a letter, but how would it get to Jace? He didn't think that Idris had a postal service, and he couldn't hike over to Switzerland and use their post office because the New York Institute didn't get serviced by the USPS on account of it not existing for mundanes.

Maybe writing a letter would help him put his thoughts together though, so he pushed himself up and walked over to his questionable desk. He pulled out a notebook and pen. He tapped the pen against a clean page, wondering how he should start.

Then he realized that it didn't matter how he started, because it wasn't going to be sent.

Dear Jace

Nope, no, he was not going to say 'dear'. He scratched it out.

Jace, sorry I flipped out while talking to you and then told you to leave. I would say it wasn't personal, except it kind of was. I wish we could have this conversation face to face, even though that would make me more nervous. I got a couple memories back, and they freaked me out. I know what you're thinking-- new memories? That's good news, not bad, no reason to freak out, Simon.

But I think these were worth freaking out over, because everyone said that me and Isabelle were together. The memories were snippets, not the full picture, so maybe there were extenuating circumstances that I don't know about that explain this whole thing away and this was a patented Simon Lewis Freak Out For No Good Reason, but it looked like you and I had been kissing. Like you really cared about me, and not the way I think you look at people who you’re ‘just friends’ with.

I don't know, maybe I'm making a big thing out of nothing. I think I'd like it if that were the case. I don't remember who I was, and if I was a cheater, I think that's something I might be okay not remembering. Still, I want to know what happened. I know I said that I don't want to be told about my life like it's a story, but maybe this is a chapter I should hear.

Please explain it to me. There are only so many times I can freak out in one day, and the Academy is hard enough as it is when my head's in the game. Not that I think you telling me will magically make my brain work like a normal person's, but I think it's worth a shot. Or at least then I'll be distracted by what happened instead of all the what-if's I can think of-- and if you know me as well as you seem to, you'll know how many what-if's that is.

Anyway. I'd really like to know what the hell happened with me concerning you and Isabelle.

Thanks,

Simon

He closed the notebook because he didn't want George to stumble across it accidentally, and shoved it back in the desk.

He pretty much forgot about the letter after that. It's not like he sent it, and writing it down made it easier to focus on training-- not that his training was going well. Scarsbury was only too happy to tell him all the ways he was still failing at being a good Shadowhunter candidate and falling behind on the physical aspects. Most of the mundane students were flying past Simon, though why they all could do two hundred pushups every morning with seemingly no problem, he had no idea.

He remembered the letter when he overheard someone else handing the Dean their letters to family and friends and thanked her for it. "I'll be back in a sec," he said to George, then walked over to Dean Penhallow.

Dean Penhallow straightened the letters in her hand and looked at Simon expectantly when he stopped in front of her. "Can I help you?"

"Sorry, just- we can send letters?"

She assured him that yes, he could send and receive letters, and while they went through her and a security check to make sure there was nothing of demonic nature coming into the Academy, the contents of their correspondence were private.

Simon thanked her, then walked back over to George, who'd been waiting for him.

"What was that?"

"Did you know we could send letters?" Simon asked.

"No, but it doesn't surprise me."

"There's no one you'd want to write to?"

George shrugged. "This is like a dirty, more intense boarding school. Besides, this is what my da gets for not telling me our family used to be Shadowhunters."

Simon laughed, as George meant for him to, and they were on to their next class and all the bore it would bring into their lives.

That night, back in their room, he dug out his letter to Jace and rewrote it. He cleaned it up a little so that he didn't sound quite as rambly-- he was always going to ramble a little because that's who he was-- and edited out the parts where he straight up said that him and Jace had kissed before. Dean Penhallow had said that no one would read it, but Simon wasn't going to trust that when it could get Jace in trouble. He obfuscated a little, but he left enough detail in that Jace would know what he was talking about. He tried to make it sound like he was just curious about the details of his relationship with Isabelle, but hopefully Jace would be able to read between the lines. If not, Simon would be more explicit in the next letter, because he needed answers, and if the past few weeks had taught him anything, it's that he wasn't going to regain those memories on his own any time soon.

He finished the letter, read it to make sure it was okay, then gave it to Dean Penhallow the next morning.

He wondered how long it would take for Jace to reply.

Wait, what if Jace didn't reply at all? What if he'd been hoping that Simon would forget all about it, and whatever relationship they had was supposed to fade into nothingness? He hadn't considered that. It wouldn't have changed his decision to send a letter and ask, but still. He wished that he'd thought about that sooner. Just so he could be prepared for it. It would take time for a response to come, so he did have time to prepare for it now.

The last thing he expected was for Jace to show up at the Academy two days later and abduct him during a questionable breakfast-- they were supposed to be crepes, Simon had his doubts. He did think that abduct was the right word. Jace walked right up to him, ignored all the people staring at him, grabbed Simon's arm and said, "Come on," while already pulling him up from his seat.

"Dude, haven't you ever heard of asking and then waiting for an answer?" Simon said, trying not to hit the table and knock over everyone's cup. There was no coffee or juice to be found, but with all of them sore from the activities of the day before, no one wanted to get up for more water if they could help it.

"Are you walking or am I carrying you?" Jace asked, instead of saying 'yes, of course you're right, Simon, would you like to come with me so we can talk? And by the way that's what crepes are supposed to look like, so there's nothing to worry about'.

"You wouldn't do that, would you?" George asked.

Jace glanced down at him and raised an eyebrow.

"I'll walk," Simon said quickly, because that look had convinced him that Jace wasn't joking.

"How's training going?" Jace asked, affecting nonchalance as he let go of Simon's arm and they walked side by side out of the cafeteria.

"You came all the way out here to ask how my training's going? You could've put that in a letter, like I did."

"You shouldn't have put that in a letter, but I get that you don't remember enough to know better," Jace said, keeping his voice low. They couldn't see anyone around them, but sound carried in stone halls-- even stone halls that were covered in a thin layer of slime.

"I hid it!" Simon protested. "You should've seen the first draft of that letter."

"Is there somewhere private here we can talk?"

"The dungeons AKA our lovely dorm rooms," Simon said. Then, at Jace's look of alarm, he added, "They don't have bars across the doors or something, but they're underground and even slimier there than up here."

That didn't seem to comfort Jace.

"Most of these classrooms aren't in use," Simon said with a vague wave to the hallway.

"Great," Jace said. He picked the next one, shut the door behind Simon, and scrawled a locking rune on it. "What do you remember?" he asked, leveling a serious look at Simon.

"Hardly anything," he replied honestly. "I know that we made out once. I'm pretty sure there were feelings involved based on the way you looked at me. That's it. Were we in love?"

Jace's expression looked a little pinched.

"No? Were we serious? Just fooling around, what? And why were we doing that while I was with Isabelle?"

"You weren't with Isabelle," he said.

"So you and I were together, and when we broke up, I got together with her?" Simon asked. That made more sense. It still didn't explain how he had convinced two gorgeous people to date him, but at least it would mean that he hadn't been cheating.

But Jace shook his head. "Look, you said that you didn't want to be told about your life. I agreed, and-"

"I've changed my mind," Simon interrupted. "I'm not saying give me the great love story from our meet cute to tragic last words, but a cliff notes wouldn't be too bad right now."

"What are cliff notes?"

"Like, an abridged version," Simon said. He should be used to explaining mundane things to Shadowhunters, except he didn't remember most of the times that he's (surely) done it before, and he spent most of his time at the Academy with George, who was a mundane like him and not a Shadowhunter. "A summary. Hit the key points, don't quote it word for word."

"You and Izzy were never together. She was covering for us."

Simon frowned. "Okay, but that doesn't make sense. I lost my memories and everyone told me that we dated. Why not tell me that I was dating you and she was the cover story?"

"Do you remember how many people were in the room when we gave you the basics about your life?" Jace asked.

"No."

"We were in the middle of a crowded hospital. There were occupied beds on either side of you, and half a dozen visitors for both of them. There wasn't any privacy. We were going to tell you the truth when we got back to the New York Institute, but before we had the chance, you told Isabelle that you didn't want to try for a relationship where you didn't remember the person you were dating, so there was no point in telling you the truth after that."

"You think? Because I disagree. You should've told me."

His mouth twisted. "And have you say to my face that you didn't think I was worth fighting for? It was bad enough having Izzy relay it secondhand, I wasn't about to make you look me in the eye and say it again." There was pain there. A hurt that Simon caused but couldn't understand. Jace clenched his jaw, then tore his eyes from Simon and breathed out slowly. "Look, Shadowhunters aren't supposed to have same sex relationships. Alec took a huge risk being with Magnus. You and I agreed to keep I between us and our friends. No one else knows, and that's how we were going to keep it."

"Relax, I'm not going to blab your secret all over the Academy," Simon said. He shifted his weight awkwardly, not sure what he was supposed to say now. The only thing he could say was what he'd talked about with Isabelle when he thought they were the ones that had dated, but Jace already said that he didn't want to hear that speech from the source.

Jace glanced at him, then away again.

Simon realized his mistake after that, but it was too late to try and cover it. And... well, what would he even say? It was Jace's secret. Maybe it would've been nicer to say 'our secret', but he didn't remember it. The relationship that they'd had was a part of Simon's life that he didn't remember, which meant it felt like it concerned someone else entirely. He wasn't the one that had dated Jace and talked to him and agreed that it was better for both of them if they kept their relationship a secret. That was Daylighter Simon. The Simon that had been a vampire and a hero. He wasn't any of those things now. He wanted to be. He wished he could be the person everyone had heard about, but it felt as much like a fantasy as the cleric he used to play in Dungeons and Dragons. "What I mean is that you didn't have to come all the way down here to tell me to keep those memories to myself. You could've written a letter, like I was expecting."

"I wanted to see you. And I thought you might change your mind," he said haltingly.

It was weird to see Jace be awkward. He oozed so much confidence that Simon hadn't known it was possible for him to be any other way, but like this he seemed, well, human. He was a person, like Simon. He was more attractive and a great Shadowhunter like Simon would never be, but right now, he was just a person.

"Change my mind about what?" Simon asked, because he was a dumbass.

"About keeping your distance. You told Izzy that you wanted time, but I'm not her. You've had time. So?" he asked, trying not to look too hopeful.

"What did you ever see in me? How close could we have possibly been that you're this desperate to be with me again? You already said that we weren't in love."

"I didn't say that," Jace denied.

"Dude, like two minutes ago, I asked and you said no."

"Don't call me dude," he said with a grimace.

"Okay fine, honey."

"Don't," Jace snarled.

Simon swallowed, because yes, that had been kind of mean. "Sorry," he muttered.

Jace looked at him for another moment, searching for something in Simon's expression. Whatever he was looking for must not have been there, because then he crossed his arms over his chest and looked away. "I guess I didn't need to make the trip, then. You won't tell anyone about us, and I'll see you in the summer when classes are done for the year." He walked to the door, standing right next to Simon, and reached for his stele.

Before he could make contact with it though, Simon grabbed his arm and he stilled. Jace looked down at Simon's hand on his arm, but he didn't try to shake him off, and Simon was afraid that if he let go, Jace would race out of here and he wouldn't get a chance to say this. "You're not waiting for me, right? I don't want you to do that. I probably won't get my memories back until I Ascend, and that's a year and a half from now. I can't ask you to wait for another year and a half and hope that we still want to date after that long."

For a second, he thought Jace wasn't going to respond. He thought that Jace would grab his stele and leave without another word.

Silence.

Simon wondered if he should've kept his mouth shut. He knew that Isabelle had told Jace what he said. He could've gotten away with letting Jace leave after agreeing that he'd see him in the summer.

"You don't get to tell me that," Jace whispered. He was still staring at Simon's hand on him. "You don't remember what we had, so you don't get to stand there and tell me that it's not worth waiting for."

Simon couldn't decide if this was a private moment that he didn't deserve to be present for, or if it would be awkward no matter what memories he had. Because the way Jace looked right now... it felt like Simon was intruding. "I'm not the person you remember."

"Yes, you are. You think you aren't because you aren't a Daylighter and you don't remember any of the things you did that saved our lives, but this is how you were when we first met. You never stopped being like this, you know," he said, looking up at him.

Simon knew that Shadowhunters didn't call their angelic power magic, but he felt that the only way Jace's eyes could be described was as magical. The way they sparkled and seemed impossibly deep, as if they were a golden ocean. He was vulnerable and open, and Simon felt like he hadn't earned the right to see him this way.

"It's not like you turned into a vampire and stopped being a nerd. You still read comics and played fantasy games. You knew a little bit more about the world by the time you lost your memories, but you weren't a fundamentally different person. At the core, you're the same."

"The Simon you dated was a hero."

"And you think you aren't?"

"I think you can't be a hero if you're a coward," Simon said. If Jace was open with him, then he might as well offer him the same. He didn't want to admit that he was a coward, but it was the truth. Every time Scarsbury reminded them that they needed to be in peak physical condition if they wanted to survive an encounter with a demon, Simon thought about dropping out of the Academy.

"Do you really think that you weren't scared?" Jace asked softly.

Simon swallowed, then nodded.

"You were terrified, but you did it anyways. That's the kind of person you are. It's why you're insisting on becoming a Shadowhunter. You want to help people, and you don't let your fear stop you. Which is funny," Jace said, but he didn't look amused in the slightest, "because you were the one putting yourself on the line, and I was the one that was so scared I tried to stop you."

Simon swallowed again. His throat felt thick, almost like a prelude to crying except that his eyes felt dry. "I don't understand how we got together, or why you care about me so much."

"You made me feel good," he said simply. "And it came at a time where everything felt like shit." He stepped away from the door, and Simon let his hand fall back to his side. He paused for a second, then said, "I miss you. Not just the last version of you that I called my boyfriend, but the you that you are now. We were friends before we ever dated. I won't visit if you want me to stay away, but at least write to me. Tell me how your training's going. Tell me how much you hate the food. Anything."

"I- yeah, I'll write. I didn't know that I could write before the letter I sent you, you know. No one told me that we could send letters before that, so it's not like I was trying to ignore everyone, I just didn't know that I could write letters and you'd actually get them. And-" Simon let out a sharp sigh. "I'm not trying to stop you from visiting, but I hate disappointing everyone. You say something, you expect me to respond the way I would have when I had my memories, and when I don't, you get disappointed. I hate that. It's why I came to the Academy instead of letting you train me in New York like you offered."

Jace blinked at him. "That's why you came here?"

"Well, yeah," Simon said uncomfortably. "It's not fun to be around here in a building that's molding over and an instructor that seems to hate everyone that's not born a Shadowhunter."

"Who's the instructor?" Jace asked-- demanded, more like.

"Uh, Delaney Scarsbury. He's missing an eye."

"Scarsbury," Jace muttered to himself. "Scarsbury?" He rolled his eyes as recognition lit his expression. "The only reason he didn't support the Circle was because he wasn't skilled enough for Valentine to want him. He's a prejudiced piece of shit. I could've taken him in a fight when I was fourteen. Ignore him."

"Okay, but he's like, my only instructor, so I can't ignore him if I want to learn how to be a Shadowhunter."

"You're coming back to New York after you're done at the Academy, right?"

Simon nodded.

"Then I'll be able to work out any bad habits he teaches you."

"Have you even seen him fight?" Simon asked, because he had his doubts.

"Word gets around," Jace said dryly. "I've heard a couple things about him, and they've all been bad."

"So you're getting this information from gossip? Didn't people used to say a lot of crap about you?"

"I can see your memories still haven't returned," he said, patting Simon on the shoulder condescendingly. But it was in a joking way, between friends, like Simon and George might do-- or like Simon and Clary had done before she found out she was a Shadowhunter. "People always love me," he said with a charming smirk. Then he grabbed his stele and unlocked the door. He didn't open it yet. "Sorry about Isabelle. She wasn't supposed to warn everyone off you. I guess she thought she was doing me a favor with it."

"It's fine," Simon said automatically.

Jace made a face to show how much he believed that.

"Not fine fine, but I know that you didn't tell her to do that, and I'm not going to get mad at you for something someone else did. I'm also not going to get mad at her for trying to protect your heart."

Jace gave a single nod. "Good."

"One more thing," Simon said, before Jace could open the door. "Just, one more question before I drop it and go back to thinking that I should wait for my memories to come back."

"I'm listening."

"Were we good together?"

"I always thought so," Jace said with a small smile.

Simon had meant to get his answer, thank him, and say goodbye. But now that he had the answer, he found himself hesitating. "I loved you. Right?"

"I thought you said you didn't want to know more."

"Jace," Simon said, and it didn't count as whining because Jace could've answered him right away and avoided this.

"You always said that you did."

"You never said it back," Simon said. He didn't remember it, but he knew it was true. It was the only explanation for why he'd asked if they were in love before and Jace had evaded instead of telling him yes.

Jace cleared his throat uncomfortably. "No. But you- you knew I cared about you. It wasn't one sided, if that's what you're worried about."

"I'm sorry I don't remember you," Simon said, and it was the first time he truly felt it. He had been sorry from the start that people who obviously cared about him looked at him like they were friends, but to him, they were basically strangers. He had always been able to empathize with their side of it, but this was different. He may not be able to remember Jace, but he knew him. When he looked at him, it was like he could see through him, right down to the strands of DNA holding him together, and he could tell that Jace could do the same, looking at him.

"There's nothing stopping us from making new memories together," Jace said, the offer clear. "I don't want to have to tell you the stories of your life anymore than you want to hear it, but I care about you, and that's not going to change if you tell me to leave you alone."

"I don't want to disappoint you," Simon said, because it did come back to that. It would be nice to be A. anywhere other than a slimy, infested Academy where half the people hated him and B. around people who liked him, but he didn't want for Jace to expect a certain response from him and then try to cover it up when it didn't happen.

"You don't."

Simon opened his mouth to disagree that it had happened in New York, but then he stopped and tried to think of a time when that had happened. Clary had been the most obvious example. Every time she mentioned something she thought Simon would know, it was like she was remembering that he had amnesia all over again. It had happened with other people-- far less often, but it had happened. Isabelle had made jokes sometimes, looking to him with a little smirk like he was supposed to finish the line for her. Alec and even Magnus had gotten that look upon occasion, glancing at him to make a joke or snarky quip when he was only confused by what was going on.

But Jace hadn't. Jace looked at him when he talked, laughed when he made a joke, and had never started a sentence with, "Remember when we-". He'd been friendly to Simon since day one, and that friendliness was a definitive clue that Simon was missing memories because he couldn't remember how that had happened, but Jace had never gotten that all-too familiar look of disappointment that the others had. Simon hadn't noticed earlier because Clary and Isabelle had been his main concerns as best friend and assumed-girlfriend.

"I'm so confused by you," Simon said after a minute.

"I'm not a mystery."

"The fact that you can say that with a straight face shows how disconnected you are."

Jace chuckled. "If you say so."

"I do."

"Then I'm glad that matter's settled," he said with a smirk.

Simon threw his arms around him in a hug before he could second-guess himself.

Jace froze at first, then slowly, he moved his arms to hug Simon back. When Simon didn't immediately let go, Jace buried his face against his neck. "I miss you. Not just my boyfriend, but you."

"I'll write to you. Once a week, all right? And I expect responses about the heroics you get up to while I'm struggling to climb a wall," Simon said.

"You got it."

Neither of them let go. It felt silly because Simon didn't have the memories to go along with it, but he felt safe with Jace. It wasn't the distant knowledge that Jace was an excellent Shadowhunter and could protect him from danger if it popped up, it was something emotional that Simon couldn't put a name to. It was the same way he felt with Clary because they'd been friends for so long.

"You can say no," Jace said, "but can I kiss you?" Then he flinched and started to pull away. "I shouldn't have asked. Sorry."

"Yes," Simon said, catching his arms before he could pull away completely. "If you want to kiss me before you leave, you can."

Jace hesitated. It was obvious that he wanted to lean right in, but he still asked, "Are you sure?" before he moved an inch.

"Yeah, it's okay."

Jace moved slowly, giving him all the time in the world to change his mind. He put a hand on the side of Simon's face, his expression overtaken with an intense longing. Maybe he'd never told Simon that he loved him, but it was obvious that he did. Simon wondered how on earth he'd missed this, but the answer was that Jace had hidden it-- had had plenty of practice in hiding it. If this was how he always looked at Simon when they were together, it was no wonder that he hadn't complained about not hearing the words out loud. He could feel it, and that was enough.

Jace leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Simon's mouth. He lingered, but he didn't try to deepen it. It felt new to Simon, but it was obvious from the way Jace held himself that they'd done this countless times before. Instead of the reminder making Simon feel bad for missing memories, it was comforting. Everything about Jace seemed to put him at ease. He rested his forehead against Simon's and breathed out.

"Can I kiss you?" Simon asked.

"If that's what you want," Jace breathed.

Simon knew that it's what he wanted, even if he couldn't remember their real first kiss or being in love with him. He leaned in to the scant space separating them and kissed him, a little clumsy. He didn't have the muscle memory for how they fit together, but it felt good. He wanted to kiss Jace again and again until it stopped feeling new and he could remember all the times they'd done this before, but that wasn't fair to Jace for him to try and force this into place. Two kisses were one thing, trying to jump back into a relationship he didn't remember was another thing altogether.

"I'll write," Simon said again when they separated.

"I look forward to it."