Chapter Text
Looking back, he should have realized what was being played way earlier. Looking back, it was blatantly obvious, screaming him into the face. How could he have been so stupid, so negligent? After everything that had happened! After New York. After fucking Mexico!
He’d been in their servers once and he’d proclaimed to know all their dirty little secrets, obnoxious, arrogant idiot that he was. Turned out he didn’t know a goddamn thing! And now Steve and Nat and pretty much everyone affiliated with SHIELD was pretty much fucked. That included the Avengers, even Bruce and himself, who weren’t even SHIELD agents, for fuck’s sake!
Yeah, they were all royally fucked and Tony Stark could have averted the situation. If he’d just paid attention for one fucking second!
Tony ran a shaky hand over his face. He needed to concentrate, this was important! But he was slowly but surely becoming overwhelmed. There were about a million things happening at once and while he was good at multitasking, even the genius of Tony Stark had limits.
“Tony? Do you want to take a break?” Pepper asked, warm understanding in her voice and Tony shook his head vehemently.
They were sitting at Stark Industries DC in a conference room that had been transformed into Pepper’s and his impromptu office. Since they both didn’t usually spend much time at DC it was the best they’d been able to throw together on short notice.
Tony had installed JARVIS and set up several computers while Pepper had made sure that a functioning coffee machine was set up.
Now they were sitting at the conferences table, the news running on one screen, stock courses on another. The table was covered in paperwork and actual newspapers and Tony had to be really careful not to accidentally knock over his coffee. Pepper would have his head.
For the last thirteen hours they had been doing damage control. Tony had his lawyers proving that the affiliation with SHIELD had been Iron Man privately and that there was no business connection with SHIELD whatsoever.
He’d already held a press conference in which he had stated that he had known nothing about SHIELD being infiltrated by HYDRA. It had been nearly as bad as the conference after Afghanistan.
Tony rubbed at his eyes and shook his head. “No, I’m good. Let’s do this.” He turned back to his computer screen, not really seeing the numbers on display. Tony really didn’t want to do this, not now. He’d primarily come to DC to see Steve. Because, well, shit had gone down fast and there’d been absolutely nothing Tony had been able to do. 48 hours, and Steve’s whole world had crumbled.
As had Nat’s, to be fair. Tony had arranged her immediate transfer to the tower and set up a new security system. Natasha had more enemies than Tony himself, but he’d be damned if he let her get hurt on his watch again! Until they figured something out she was confined to the tower, but it beat being dead in Tony’s opinion and Natasha strongly agreed.
Steve, however, was at the hospital. Injured and deeply in shock. And Tony was stuck at fucking Stark Industries!
“I mean it, Tony. Take a break, visit Steve. I’ll manage on my own for two hours.” Pepper poured herself a fresh cup of coffee, adding a healthy splash of soymilk. She looked about as tired as Tony felt, but she wore it better than him. Probably because she was really beautiful. Her hair was still pulled up in a complicated sort of bun – Tony had never pretended to understand how all those hairstyles worked – and she wore an immaculate outfit consisting of a white blouse and a cream colored skirt. The blazer had long since been discarded as had the high heels Pepper had been wearing. Tony grimaced in pain simply at the thought of wearing those kinda shoes.
He was dressed in a plain grey suit. The tie had gone missing five hours ago, but Tony couldn’t bring himself to care. His red shades lay next to the coffee maker and he breathed a sigh of relief as he spotted them there. He’d need those if he really did go to see Steve or the press would have a field day. Appearing weak at this crucial moment would be like signing his own death sentence.
Tony ran a hand through his already disheveled hair and looked up from his screen, expression troubled. “That…I appreciate the offer, Pep. But you’ve been at it as long as me. I’ll go see Steve, but only if you promise to take a break when I’m back. Deal?” He really didn’t need Pepper burning herself out over his stupid mistakes.
Pepper gave him a tired smile and nodded. “Yeah, that…I think I’d like that. Just for an hour.”
“Good, it’s a deal. Thanks, Pep, really. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” And he meant it, too. Without Pepper, he’d have been horribly out of his depth with the situation. It was too much already, but without a person as competent and knowledgeable as Pepper by his side, he would have just hid in his workshop and cried while his company hit rock bottom faster than the fucking Helicarrier.
As he got up, Pepper went over to him and embraced him in a right hug. Tony hugged back, taking all the comfort he could get. He breathed in deeply. Pepper’s familiar scent calmed him instantly.
“Be careful, Tony.” She whispered in his ear and he nodded, feeling a lump in his throat. “And send Steve my love.”
“Will do, Pep. See you soon.” He responded quietly, collected his shades, put them on and strode as confidently out of the office as he could manage under the current circumstances. Still. Needed to keep up appearances, now more than ever.
Stark Industries was beyond busy, it was hectic, people were constantly moving, running between offices and floors, always in motion. It was a hive mind and Tony felt it press down on him from all sides. Not much longer and he’d suffocate.
Heads turned as he quickly made his way downstairs and into the lobby. Luckily he was too much of a rarity here in the DC office for people to just approach him. They held their respectful distances and followed him with their stares and whispers. Tony had long since elected to ignore them.
He nodded to the security guard at the door and pulled out his phone.
“Happy? Entrance, now.” If there was one thing he didn’t need right now, it was another big scene with the press.
But Tony’s luck hadn’t run out yet and the sleek black Audi was already parked in front of the entrance when he exited the building.
On days like these Tony realized again how truly lucky he was to have people like Pepper and Happy in his life. He’d be lost without them and he was proud to be able to call them friends.
Of course a small number of exceptionally stubborn reporters were camped outside the office building, but Tony paid them no mind and slid into the Audi’s passenger seat as fast as possible. Fucking vultures.
“You’re a lifesaver, Happy!” he groaned and pocketed his shades.
“Anything for you, boss.” The driver replied gruffly as Tony melted into his seat. He wanted to hide away and maybe cry for a bit.
“Are you finally going to get some sleep? No offense, but you look like crap.”
A quick side glance revealed a very concerned looking Happy who was gripping the steering wheel tight. Tony sighed.
“Don’t worry, buddy. I’m okay. I gotta get to the hospital, fast.” He wasn’t okay in the least and if he was quite honest with himself, the thought of going to the hospital made him feel all jittery and sent his heart into a frenzy. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Steve, he always wanted to see him, it was Steve after all. But now Steve was injured, bed-ridden even and that was just plain wrong.
And Tony, as shameful as it was, couldn’t bring himself to face him.
He’d seen Steve once when he’d arrived in DC, but Steve had been sleeping and Tony had just looked at his battered form and freaked out in the middle of the hospital. Seeing Steve all still, hooked up to medical equipment and sleeping in hospital scrubs was enough to send him over the edge.
Tony had never seen the man look so damn vulnerable.
“Honestly? You really don’t. First you gotta get home and take a shower. Steve won’t be discharged for at least another three days, so he’ll still be there after your
shower. I’m taking you home.” Happy stated, leaving no room for questions or protests.
Which Tony was sick of anyway.
He sighed audibly and tried to breathe around the heavy feeling in his chest. Happy didn’t even know how much of a favor he was doing Tony. Simply deciding for him like that…it was easy. And Happy was a reasonable man, so he could rely on him to make the right decision for the right reason. And he didn’t have to feel bad about not seeing Steve. After all, Happy had told him to take a shower first and didn’t Steve always say he needed to take more care of himself?
They drove in silence to the futuristic mansion Tony had purchased the day before. It was set right at the Potomac, opposite Theodore Roosevelt Island and if he had had some time to spend there, he would have liked it quite a bit. The wide, open rooms and the modern furniture reminded him of the tower and his favorite, the late Malibu house.
“Thanks, Happy”, Tony muttered hoarsely, still slumped down in his seat.
“Someone needs to take care of you, Tony.” Happy just replied, but his serious tone betrayed his light words. “And because apparently that’s me right now, I’m also gonna tell you this: call Dr. Miller. No, really, think about it rationally. I’ve seen you like this before and it never ended well. Everyone’s putting all that pressure on you, but at the end of the day you’re just a man, same as the rest of us. And you’re doing well, you’re handling this better than any politician I know. But it’s okay not to be okay when something like HYDRA taking over SHIELD and SHIELD disbanding happens.”
The heavy feeling in his chest was pressing down on his lungs now and Tony could feel the tears burning in his eyes. He took a shuddering breath through his nose and willed the tears not to fall. If he started now, he’d be reduced to a sobbing mess and he wouldn’t make it even close to his shower in the next two hours.
Happy entered his security code and drove into the parking garage. Yeah, Tony’s house had its own parking garage. He’d really just bought the first half-decent thing that
JARVIS had found.
When Happy was occupied with parking the car, Tony hastily wiped the back of his hand over his eyes. Then he cleared his throat. He needed his voice to sound as firm as always.
“Thank you, Happy. For getting me here and everything.”
He opened the car door, but a hand on his arm made him stop. Tony turned towards Happy again, question obvious on his face.
“Call her, boss! I mean it. That’s what you pay her for!”
Tony sighed over the constricting feeling in his chest. “Alright, alright, I’m gonna give her a quick ring. Happy now?”
Happy just patted his shoulder and Tony closed the car door. He made his way over to the elevator and collapsed against the wall as soon as he had entered.
“Hello, sir, welcome back.” JARVIS’ smooth voice greeted him and suddenly Tony couldn’t hold back the tears anymore and he slid down the wall and his chest was heaving and his whole body shook from the force of his sobs and he just want to curl up and die right here in this elevator and he wanted to sleep and he wanted Steve to be okay, but Steve was in the fucking hospital and it was all his fault and now everything was broken and he didn’t know how to fix it, but that was his thing, fixing stuff, but how the fuck was he supposed to fix this, he had no idea, and he needed someone to guide him through it, but Pepper was already taking care of SI and Steve was in the hospital, sleeping sleeping sleeping, all still, and he had nearly drowned and Tony couldn’t, he couldn’t even imagine that and he didn’t want to and the tears didn’t stop and Tony wrapped his arms around his chest as his body trembled and what the fuck was he doing, he couldn’t be falling apart just yet, he didn’t have the time, he needed to pull himself together, right now, but how, he couldn’t, not on his own!
“Sir. Sir, please calm down.” JARVIS said from somewhere far away and Tony tried, he really tried to calm down, but it didn’t work. “Do you want me to call someone?”
This again. Why did everyone want him to call someone? And who could he even call? Pepper, who was drowning in work because he had abandoned her at SI? Rhodey, who was being investigated for all the times he’d helped the Avengers and Tony especially? Bruce, who’d dropped off the radar as soon as shit had hit the fan?
“I am calling Dr. Miller. Forgive me, sir, but you are obviously suffering. You don’t have to be in pain, the situation at hand is in no way your fault.”
Tony sucked in a shuddering breath and wiped his face, but his chest was still heaving up dry sobs. He didn’t want to talk to Dr. Miller. What the fuck was he even supposed to say? I fucked up. Again. Awesome! She’d really wanna know that. Not that she didn’t think he was a complete basket case anyway, after his spectacular freak out a couple weeks ago when fucking aliens had appeared in London through portals that popped up randomly. He’d drunk himself into a serious case of alcohol poisoning and landed himself in the hospital. When Dr. Miller had asked if his binge should be seen as a suicide attempt, Tony hadn’t known what to say. So he’d stayed silent.
Steve had already been in DC at that point, helping Fury and Nat set up a strong SHIELD branch there. Tony had made everyone who’d even as much as glanced at him at the hospital sign non-disclosure agreements and told Steve he’d sustained a head injury while working on his newest suit. Since Steve had been preoccupied in DC and Natasha had been with him, Tony had gotten away with the blatant lie.
Thor had left after that to take care of some shit going down in Asgard. Tony honestly couldn’t bring himself to think about it. He just wished he’d never learned about the existence of aliens. He didn’t even want to know about the science behind the fucking portals.
Clint was gone on solo missions more often than not, leaving the tower mostly to Tony himself, who neatly divided his time with building stuff for the Avengers, SI and SHIELD and completely freaking out once every ten days or so.
It had been just a week before Steve had been scheduled to come home when the spectacular lie that was SHIELD had come to light.
“…Tony, come on, Tony, talk to me. Just respond in any way you can. I know you can hear me, come on…”
“Doc?” Tony croaked, realizing the voice that was mumbling in the distance, connecting vowels and forming words, sure, but not making the least bit of sense to Tony’s fuddled brain.
“Yes! I knew you could do it!” This time he registered her voice and the words she was saying. “Can you tell me where you are?” Her voice was calm with a hint of seriousness.
Tony raised his head from his knees and looked around. “…elevator”, he supplied at last. He hadn’t made it very far.
“You’re in the elevator.” Dr. Miller repeated. “In your house in DC?”
Slowly Tony loosened his grip on his chest and let his arms fall limply to his sides. “Yeah”
“Do you know how long you’ve been in the elevator, Tony?” She asked and Tony’s eyes shot up to the ceiling.
“I…JARVIS? How long?” A headache was blooming behind his eyes, one of the kind you only got after crying for extensive periods of time.
“It has been twenty-three minutes since you have entered the elevator, sir.”
“Oh”, Tony replied intelligently. Fuck. So he’d wasted one fourth of his precious time already! He could’ve spent it with Steve!
“Deep breaths, Tony”, Dr. Miller instructed and Tony flinched. He wouldn’t panic or break down crying again, once was enough for one day. “Are you injured?”
Another quick glance to the ceiling.
“No, sir. You are, however, severely exhausted and dehydrated.”
Well. That was something, at least.
“Do you think you can get out of the elevator?” Dr. Miller asked and if she found it disconcerting that Tony himself didn’t know if he was injured, she didn’t show it.
Tony got to his feet. He felt a bit lightheaded, but apart from that he felt alright.
“Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks, Doc. JARVIS…just take me to whichever floor has the biggest shower.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” came the question Tony had already expected and a tired grin found its way onto his face. Of course she’d ask.
“Yeah, I…sure. I mean, not really, but that’s not the kinda answer you wanna hear and I know that I should talk about it, I really do, but right now I just wanna take a shower. That’s why I even came here in the first place. So thanks for, um, y’know, picking up the phone and talking to me, you really helped me out. I’ll be in touch, just…just not too soon, cause I really got no time. And I know how it’s not healthy and all that, but I gotta save the company, the Avengers and as much of SHIELD as I can.”
There was a barely audible sigh at the other end of the line. “And I know I should tell you not to, but I can’t bring myself to do that. Thank you for what you’re doing for SHIELD, take care of yourself, Tony. And call me whenever you need to. I mean it, the time doesn’t matter. Just call.”
The elevator doors opened with a ping – annoying, he’d have to change that – and Tony walked out into the hall.
“Will do, Doc. Thanks. I’ll try to keep the damage to a minimum and at least make sure you all don’t lose your jobs.”
The call ended and Tony shuffled in the direction where he assumed the bathroom to be.
“Sir, I hope you approve of me calling Dr. Miller?” JARVIS asked hesitantly and Tony couldn’t even be mad at him. After all he had spent 23 minutes sobbing his heart out in an elevator, that was extreme even by his standards.
“Yeah, it’s fine, J. Where’s the bathroom?” He didn’t want to think for just a couple moments. JARVIS lit up the way to the shower and Tony followed the lights like some moth-zombie-hybrid.
“Thanks, J. What’s the word on Steve?” He held his breath.
There was affection in JARVIS’ voice when he answered. “Captain Rogers has been awake twice. He has been visited by Sam Wilson once and is currently asleep again. The responsible doctors say he is healing nicely.”
Steve had been awake. And Tony hadn’t been there. Fuck.
Tony undressed on his way to the bathroom, dropping items of clothing as he went. Whatever.
“Do I have a maid or something?” he asked JARVIS. Who the fuck knew what came with this mansion.
“Not yet, sir, but I can hire someone. They could also pick up fresh clothing for you.”
The bathroom door slid open on its own accord and Tony entered the bright marble room. The shower was obscenely large and he sighed in expectation. This would be good, this had the potential to restore him to a human being.
“You do that, J. Get me a new suit and something inconspicuous…jeans and hoodie or something. Some sorta disguise.”
“Certainly, sir.” JARVIS replied and started the shower. Tony slipped under it and let the hot water wash over him. It came from all sides and he could feel his sore muscles relaxing. Even his headache decreased somewhat as Tony started shampooing his hair. He closed his eyes as he massaged his scalp and his thoughts drifted off.
Tony had wanted to visit Steve in DC. He’d wanted to see the Captain America exhibit with him simply to make fun of him – that was the reason he had donated Howard’s collection to the museum in the first place. He’d had it all planned out already and in his imagination it had been perfect.
Now everything was fucked pretty much beyond repair.
“Hey, JARVIS”, he said as he rinsed out his hair. “Is the exhibition open right now?”
“For another four hours, sir.” JARVIS replied promptly.
The water stopped running and Tony took a fluffy towel to dry himself off. When he stepped out of the bathroom there was a crisp new suit and a pair of jeans, a black shirt and a hoodie deposited on the couch in front of the room. What person in their right mind would put a couch in front of a bathroom?
Tony opted for the jeans and hoodie. He’d leave the hunt for houses to Pepper in the future.
An assortment of glasses and shades were placed on the table next to the couch and Tony picked simple black-rimmed glasses. They were Steve’s go-to disguise and for some reason always worked for him.
On his way back to the elevator Tony stopped at his discarded slacks and took his phone and wallet. Then he rode the elevator to the lowest level and exited through the backdoor.
Maybe staring at Steve’s uniform before facing the man himself would help.
Tony doubted it.