Archive of Our Own

Staying at campus through a break is always an experience. Courts are always closed, buildings are closed, and the restaurants will also halt delivery if a holiday comes into play. 

Everyone gets spotty during Christmas. Even Jaehyun.

Still, he’s done it enough times to know what to expect. He knows enough to stock up on food, blankets, and the Netflix queue. Jaehyun spends the holidays alone, and he makes sure to avoid social media on the day everyone posts their families. He doesn’t expect to run into Doyoung hacking away at a 1st-floor side window of his frat house. 

“Um, hello?” Jaehyun pops an earbud out. He was just out for a run, but there’s no way he’d give up a chance to get judgy with someone.

Doyoung is this guy who Jaehyun knows exists but isn’t actually friends with. They have people in common; they have classes in common. But there’s more to life and connection than that. They coexist in the space between tolerance and like. The clear lack of a relationship should deter him, but there's always some side of Jaehyun that knows he's trying too hard socially and can’t stop. 

All the self-preservation gets tossed out the window, even when people so clearly want him dead. Jaehyun often finds himself defaulting into it, even though he doesn’t want to come across as the annoying, factual kid that has to correct everyone. He gets away with being awful often, mostly since he has a face that’s supposedly very forgiving.

Doyoung freezes for a moment, sees it's Jaehyun, and his shoulders relax. “Oh, it’s you,” he notes flatly. 

You. How fond. “Me,” Jaehyun echoes cheerfully.

“Let’s face it. This isn’t the worst thing you could have caught me doing,” Doyoung turns to face him as he leans his weight into pushing at the window. 

Jaehyun arches an eyebrow for no one. “Which is what, exactly? Potentially staging a robbery?”

Something in the latches clicks, and the window starts squeaking in the right direction. “Now you’re getting it,” he says.

“I could report you for this, you know?”

Doyoung bares his teeth at him a little breathlessly while pulling up the window fully, or to a more crawlable height. “I sincerely hope you do, asshat,” he says. “I just got locked out, so I’m innovating.”

Engineering at its finest. Jaehyun’s nosy so he peers into a kitchen? He’s not really sure. “You coming?” Doyoung asks. 

It’s been established that Jaehyun doesn’t have that self-preservation instinct, so yeah, of course, he goes. 

“So…why aren’t you home for break?” Jaehyun wonders as he climbs into a steel kitchen sink. Barf. It’s sorta weird they could know each other for this long and not cover details like a hometown, but it happens a lot in university with those class-specific friend circles. “Actually, where is home for you?”

“Nowhere,” Doyoung says cleanly. “I…. It’s not really safe for me to go there this time of year, so I avoid it as much as I can.” 

There it is, that word again. Safe. What all could it mean? That’s a bit more complex than not having enough money for a ticket to hop 3 time zones. 

“What about you?”

Jaehyun hums. “Oh you know, New England winters are horrendous,” he says.

“Ah, East Coast,” Doyoung remarks. “Isn’t that where everyone wants to go to school?”

“Where everyone’s parents want them to, you mean,” Jaehyun’s compelled to correct. 

“Right, my mistake.” Sarcastic, but not mean.

Some weird pause where Jaehyun’s a little distracted by the glow in Doyoung’s face. He just feels so…bright and alive today? Has he always been that way, or has Jaehyun just never noticed?

“It’s just…so very stressful there. Everything gears you toward college, and then literally no one that lives even remotely close to a Northeast college ever wants to go to any of the ones in-state. Or, well, I’m sure some of them do, but I promise you, Yale’s severely less cute when you’re commuting 20 minutes from your parents’ house.”

“Definitely places less strain financially, though.”

“Yeah. It just wasn’t for me.”

Doyoung looks at Jaehyun, really looking him in the eye. It’s overwhelming to hold all that attention of someone like him. “I feel like you would think that,” he murmurs. 

“I think it’s decidedly different from here. Here, people are a bit happier but also a bit more distant, if that makes sense? Your neighbors aren’t a door knock away and mostly keep to themselves? So I think the West is nice, but not kind and then the East is kind, but not nice if that makes sense?”

“I’ve seen New York. It does,” Doyoung nods. 

They haven’t really moved much past the kitchen they entered into. It has pretty ugly oak, almost orange cabinets, and a dull gray island. It’s not really meant for staying in, but in a too-human, too-worn-down way, as opposed to Jaehyun’s newly built apartment and its industrial, uninhabitable set-up.  

Doyoung stares at him just a few beats too long, master of a world in those moments. 

“What?” Jaehyun demands.

Doyoung shakes his head, still entranced. “Your ears….” he points out with a grin, “They’re so red.”

The attention certainly isn’t helping. “It’s just because it was cold outside,” Jaehyun’s mousy, tugging his beanie lower to hide them. God, they’re so embarrassing.

Jaehyun clears his throat, and Doyoung takes a step back, half-twisting to start guiding them out of the room. The frat has a distinctly different glow at 2 PM than 2 AM, that’s for sure. 

The place feels instantly different from the dorms and apartments. There’s a history to the house with its dark wood trim and beige walls but also the peculiar way Doyoung speaks about it. It’s familiar, but not entirely fond. 

“What? No secret rooms?” Jaehyun teases. 

“As a senior, I feel like I would have figured it out by now.”

Doyoung takes him through the rest of the house, which definitely appears bigger than it did from the outside. They end at a bedroom in the basement that gets surprisingly a lot of natural light. There are two twin beds on opposite sides of the room. 

Doyoung hesitates just a second longer when showing Jaehyun this room, so: “Your room?” 

He nods. Jaehyun steps in, getting more of a feel. Doyoung’s room feels like him, like the him that Jaehyun is only just now starting to pick apart. He has a roommate but they have sincerely opposite styles, it seems. 

Doyoung’s side isn’t just neat, though. It’s…bare. Just the one pillow, a set of sheets, and a comforter. There’s everything checked on what you need, but no…decoration or color. It’s entirely functional. Very Doyoung but also very empty. It’s a place that’s not really for living or resting, instead only meant for sleep in its liminal, transitional capacity. 

It’s all a sharp contrast to Doyoung’s roommate, a clear maximalist and fan of saturated colors. He’s got pennants for every single college in the state, it seems, regardless of rivalries. There’s also a huge rainbow wallpaper on only that side which is a…choice. 

“Your roommate seems…interesting,” Jaehyun says.

 “We’re really so unalike, but we pledged the same year, and now I’m stuck with him. I feel like we both expected the other to not survive initiation or the lifestyle. I was so sure Ten would quit,” Doyoung explains. 

“Do you fight a lot?”

“Not really. We live pretty opposite schedules — which is a feat for a frat, I think — and it works. It feels like I have my own room, sometimes.”

“Why is his nickname Ten?” Jaehyun wonders. 

“I don’t know. I don’t think the fucker can count higher than that.”

Jaehyun cracks a half-smile at that not because he thinks it’s funny, but because bitchy Doyoung is already his favorite Doyoung. Jaehyun turns, resting his weight against the side of Doyoung’s bed. Doyoung, seeing that they’ve taken some break, flops onto Ten’s bed with a big, disrespectful thump. 

“Ugh, don’t you ever get tired of school?” Doyoung says. “It’s fucking exhausting. Even now when we have nothing, it’s still stressing me out.”

Jaehyun weighs the answer around in his mouth as he jumps up into sitting on the side of Doyoung’s bed. “Sometimes, but it’s never the learning bit. It’s always the academic, stress of grades and mental health toll bit that hits the hardest. I also never realized until my summer internship how anxious I was in this environment. It’s mild enough to keep me alive and awake and alert but also debilitating in its own way. At my worst, I was just constantly shaking, trembling hands, unable to walk straight.”

“That’s not…mild, love,” Doyoung notes. Jaehyun’s stomach flutters. Stop that.

“Livable, I suppose.”

“You should want to thrive, not just subsist.”

Jaehyun feels unmade and too quickly. “Bold of you to say that when you’re out here doing everything and nothing to fill the time. You’re in every single club I’m in, plus a whole fraternity, and who knows what else? When do you sleep? Seriously, when was the last time you ever got a good night’s sleep?” he demands.

Doyoung’s lips curl inward, like he’s bread and Jaehyun’s sliced right through him. “I don’t…. I don’t even know. I don’t even know how.”

Jaehyun feels that twinge; he knows in his bones what that feels like and how difficult it is to unlearn and keep up with when you’re in a place like this. “Why’d you even join a frat anyway?” he asks. 

“It’s an investment,” he says. “And it’s a shorter commute to class than the dorms or apartments.”

Thousands of dollars. Of course, it is. 

“But also networking. Just like college in the sense that: if you work hard, everything else can fall into place. You can live a better life,” Doyoung finishes, muted. 

A lot of kids in frats don’t have to live this part of their life with consequences, but it’s at this moment that Jaehyun realizes that’s not Doyoung. Even the seemingly careless bits to him are actually quite sound in reasoning. He’s practical; he’s real; he’s human.

Doyoung knows what it’s like when the other shoe drops. He knows the gravity of his decisions, and he knows when others can’t afford to be reckless.

Jaehyun’s other hand grips the side of the bedpost tighter. “I really like that about you,” he tells Doyoung frankly.  

“You’re really cool, Jaehyun,” Doyoung says, a little floored by the attention. “I don’t think you get enough credit for it.”

“Does that mean you’ll vote for me as vice president of the American Marketing Association next year?” he campaigns. 

Doyoung cracks a tired, waning smile, and Jaehyun suddenly wants a chance to know Doyoung well enough to discern his lies from his platitudes. 

Jaehyun’s legs swing over the side of Doyoung’s bed. Doyoung walks up toward him, leaning forward on his arms as they half-cage Jaehyun on the bed. 

Close. Way too close. Panic whistles its way through Jaehyun’s ears to his heart. 

“If I kiss you, you won’t run away, right?” Doyoung asks. “You just really look like someone that needs to be kissed. Right now. And I want you to know it.” 

Jaehyun doesn’t trust his voice. He does nod. 

Doyoung blinks slowly at him. “Verbal consent, dipshit.” Then, a little gentler: “Only if you want it.”

“Uh, yes,” he croaks. 

Doyoung steps in closer, between Jaehyun’s legs, and slides a hand up his arm to hold him behind the ear, right where his neck meets his head. It’s very tempting for Jaehyun to roll back into it, but he doesn't lest he exude ick. 

Doyoung’s other hand lingers, touching Jaehyun's lips. His fingertips rest, just feeling his bottom lip and drumming oh so lightly.

And Jaehyun can’t stand it. He can’t stand him. 

Doyoung kisses him, with a very deceptively gentle, growing pressure. Deceptive, since it’s all a front. Everything about him is like that; why would this be any different? It’s all this wave, growing and growing up through his body to Jaehyun opening his mouth, like the starving man he is, just to meet a Doyoung that smiles into a kiss.   

This Doyoung, the one Jaehyun has maybe always wanted or needed in his bones, is kind and lovely. No less strong or confident but the one closest to Jaehyun, the one he knows best. Jaehyun positively buzzes everywhere Doyoung touches him. It’s quite some magic.

Of course, Doyoung has to be the one to pull away. Jaehyun has to sluggishly blink several times to feel even remotely steady again. What the fuck? 

“Better?” Doyoung ducks his head to check Jaehyun’s face. 

Jaehyun nods over the thick lump in his throat, struggling to meet his eyes. There’s so much and so little needed to be voiced by someone who isn’t a coward, someone who isn’t Jaehyun. 

Why is it that this is the most alive he’s felt in 3 years of university? Not from just the kiss alone, but from his soul. Jaehyun hasn’t felt this known…ever. Where the hell is his mysterious façade if Doyoung’s broken his core in less than an hour?

“Hey, you know, just know it doesn’t have to mean much at all.”

It sours things. 

Doyoung means to be reassuring, but it just springs forth all these other insecurities. That Jaehyun doesn’t mean much. That kissing Jaehyun doesn’t mean much. That Doyoung does this for all his friends. That Jaehyun isn’t special. 

Jaehyun knows logically. And still, he feels it all. 

“Yeah, we’re fine,” he says. Jaehyun’s a cool guy that brushes shit like this off. Chill guy. That’s how Doyoung would be. That’s who he’d want.  

Jaehyun uses his palms to hop off the bed; he only lands closer into Doyoung but extricates himself, sliding out smoothly. “What’s next?” He heads toward the door.

Jaehyun needs to hide his face and his all-too-honest ears. Things deteriorate fairly quickly after that; it’s obvious the disconnect irritates Doyoung, but he doesn’t get a word in edgewise before Jaehyun is actually out the door. 

#

The kiss haunts Jaehyun. He can’t get it out of his head. The way Doyoung hesitates, the way he warms into it, the way he waits for Jaehyun, the way he holds Jaehyun’s jaw, etc.

These are all the details that unravel Jaehyun, for fucking with your friend group, even its vestiges, was playing with fire. It’s never once worked out for any of Jaehyun’s friends that dated and broke up. There was always collateral. Also, friends are the only thing dragging Jaehyun through college right now, so he kinda needs them to like him more than they like Doyoung. 

It’s weird, knowing how Doyoung kisses. It’s a devastating thought that lives and dies with him. No, now Jaehyun has to be plagued by the specific noises he now knows Doyoung makes. How the hell is he supposed to get through his day now?

Jaehyun avoids Doyoung for a bit after that. There’s that tiny pinch of you-shouldn’t-be-doing-it-like-this in his stomach, but he tamps it down for his own sanity. 

This brilliant plan consists of mad-dashing or sneaking out whenever Doyoung enters the same library, hall, classroom, or any space as Jaehyun. It works for a grand total of 4 times. 

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Doyoung says on the fifth attempt, having cornered him in the periodicals section of the library with no alternate exit. There’s not even a mutual friend present to feign peace around. Damn it. 

“No, life just gets busy,” Jaehyun lies, like a liar. 

Doyoung, of course, wouldn’t buy it; he always carves out quality time for the people that matter. “Oh, come on, Jaehyun. I know you can do better than that,” Doyoung leers. “What’s up? What’s actually up with you?”

Jaehyun stays mum. 

Doyoung sighs, “Did we or did we not discuss how it’s not a big deal?”

“Yeah, no I got that part,” Jaehyun fumes. “I just didn’t feel like talking to you after you said I didn’t matter.”

“When did I say that?”

“Right after? Even if you didn’t mean it, that’s what it felt like.”

“Okay, well…. Tell me that then. Aren’t you a communications major?”

“Broadcasting arts,” he corrects. And yes, Jaehyun notes the semi-irony. 

Doyoung’s anger has no right to be as charming as the rest of him, but it too kinda does it for Jaehyun. Jaehyun desires a perfection he can break in himself and others, it seems. There’s actually a lot of Doyoung that seems to do it for Jaehyun, if he stops to think.

Doyoung’s definitely pretty but not in an overwhelming, immediately unattainable way. It’s something Jaehyun can clock and move forward in life knowing, but if he stops to break it down, he might collapse from the expanse of it. No branch of him is ugly. It’s like Doyoung was made for Jaehyun — not in a perfect fit way, but in a made-to-break-him way. 

Communicating truths, though, is no easy thing for a man whose lies are his last tie to normalcy. “You might be a very good kisser,” Jaehyun admits. 

“Or I could be average, and you’re just terrible,” Doyoung’s very cross with him. 

“Oof, was I?”

“...No.”

Jaehyun hums. He ponders like his brain isn’t fucking empty when it decides to then ask, “Do you think you could do it again?”

“Do what again?” Doyoung snaps. 

“Kiss me.” 

Doyoung’s eyes widen. “What is wrong with you?”

Jaehyun smiles with teeth, uncomfortable yet honest. “Is that a no?”

“No, the fuck it’s not,” Doyoung says, grabbing him forward by the shirt. Jaehyun melts into it so fucking fast. 

Ah, that’s right. Jaehyun’s memory didn’t fail him. Doyoung was still a very good kisser. It’s brief but deep; Jaehyun’s left holding on to the bookshelf behind him in order to stay standing. 

Doyoung’s some-guy appeal is starting to fade as Jaehyun seriously considers promoting him to the level of a-guy in his life. 

#

Considering they’re still sorta strangers, Jaehyun’s a bit surprised when Doyoung direct-messages him from their robotics club’s Discord server about coming over. “Black mold. Everyone else is just paying for hotels, but I, uh….” he trails off. 

It’s not really a proper question, but Jaehyun opens the door wider for him to step in. Doyoung and his black duffle bag squeeze right past his front. 

He drops exhaustedly onto Jaehyun’s couch, placing his head in his hands. “I might be being dramatic but I am worried about my health. I do a lot to keep things not cluttered, but it sucks to be paying for someone else’s mistakes. You know? Like if you’re gonna be stupid, just be stupid to yourself. Don’t let it affect the rest of us who are actually making an effort to try.”

Jaehyun’s hand somehow finds Doyoung’s shoulder in the middle of it all, gently resting and pouring all the reassurance he can’t articulate into it. 

“Why don’t you leave the frat if things are really that bad?”

Doyoung shakes his head slowly. “No, that’s just not how the world works. It’s not predisposed to radical shifts. The next best change is within the confines of the rules. You have to derive as much success as you can, even if it’s less than the bare minimum, from it. I don’t care that the frat or uni uses me if I use them back. I care that I’m exhausted and still, it’s not enough for them. That they need to take everything and it’s still not enough.”

“So then why’d you come here?” Jaehyun asks. 

Doyoung smiles wryly. “You’re the only one I know that lives alone,” he says.

It’s not so bad, only needing yourself and only relying on yourself. Accountability always had to begin from the inside out, and this way, no one could let Jaehyun down. [And he couldn't let anyone down if they didn’t have high expectations, to begin with.]

Jaehyun also knows Doyoung’s lying, which would mean something else, something akin to what Luke represented for people. Luke Skywalker, the twink a generation of boys were brought up to idolize. Fuck. 

Jaehyun gives him the bed, opting instead to stare at his living room ceiling from his couch through the entire night, watching car lights filter through the blinds to make the shadows dance.

It isn’t a weakness to care, he decides. It isn’t a weakness to value something good. Not when it’s Doyoung.

#

The weekend goes by not too badly. It’s actually kinda nice studying with someone from a different major and mostly different classes. It individualizes Jaehyun’s experience and lets him set his pace while still motivating him to make some progress. They study together without feeling any pressure to speak, and Jaehyun feels so free. He stokes and sates this fire, much more engaged with the living than his processing of it. 

Jaehyun’s life isn’t all Doyoung that weekend, but it definitely becomes more Doyoung than he ever expected. He doesn’t even realize this until they’re hanging out a couple of days a week and fairly regularly. Doyoung doesn’t always spend the night, but this is closer than a lot of Jaehyun’s friendships, that’s for sure. 

Doyoung feels instinctual to Jaehyun after enough time. 

#

It’s very awful to collapse mentally while in school. Jaehyun’s gone through it many, many times before, but seeing Doyoung burn out right before his eyes is some other kind of pain. It’s secondary to addressing whatever Doyoung needs at this moment, but it still hurts to see someone you love go through hardship. All you want to do is ease their pain, and you are just as helpless as them. 

Jaehyun sighs. “It’s a moot point, but I feel like you sometimes lose yourself in the frat life. And I don’t wanna have to be the one who tells you what to do.”

Doyoung is stubborn in the best of ways. It’s what pushes him to work as hard as he does. It’s what keeps him principled and good. It’s what Jaehyun loves. 

Oh. Oh. Loves. Yikes. 

[Jaehyun, on the other hand, is all about creating systems to understand the world, exploring every nook and cranny logical paths will allow him to follow. Most strongly, Jaehyun is driven by interest. Which seems self-explanatory but is far more complex, often manifesting as chaotic and hapless in the pursuit of knowledge.] 

They can only have this conversation at Jaehyun’s place; there’s no fucking way he would bring it up at Doyoung’s frat.  “You know it’s a toxic environment. Why would you stay?”

“It’s not always like that. And it’s an investment,” Doyoung repeats. “I already put this much into it. Why not push for the finish line? I’m almost there.”

Which is true and logical and everything Jaehyun would resonate with if he didn’t know Doyoung and knew that this wasn’t sustainable for him and his real personality. 

“Are you not tired?” Jaehyun asks. 

Doyoung waves a hand. “Nah, I actually did get 3 hours sleep last night so—”

“Tired, not sleepy. It’s different,” Jaehyun interrupts him. 

Doyoung stops to consider. He looks exhausted, with dark circles and an ashy tone to his skin. The cogs in his brain so very clearly are taking longer to turn that Jaehyun’s alarm only multiplies.

“I suppose,” Doyoung says slowly. “I know you don’t get it, but the frat is my family. And I would go to the depths of the Earth for my brother.”

“Yeah, they just might make you. Six feet under, at least.”

Doyoung glares. 

Really, there are only so many times Jaehyun can say something without him getting fed up with it. They say nothing to each other for hours, just studying and living. This isn’t at all like their other comfortable silences; it’s poignant with aborted thoughts. And Jaehyun’s the absolute worst at mending these scenarios.

Then, as the sun sets: “There’s just so much to be done and even talking about what I have to do feels like a waste of time. I don’t even feel like a person,” Doyoung whispers. 

Doyoung’s barely functioning these days. He’s so incredibly tired when they hang out. He keeps up with the lame jokes Jaehyun makes, but there’s this lag that belies his utter exhaustion. His eyes are always red, dull, and heavy-lidded; Jaehyun’s heart hurts to see the spark from winter die out right in front of him. Jaehyun knows the opportunity cost of their time together is Doyoung’s sleep, and he’s feeling so guilty about it.

Jaehyun crosses some line to place a hand on Doyoung’s shoulders and another on his heart. It is so furiously fast. 

Jaehyun leads them to the bed. They’ve never done this before, always, at most napped a couch and a table apart, at the frat’s common area or Jaehyun’s space. 

“Wha- What are you—”

Jaehyun shushes him, breathing deep and waiting for him to stabilize. “Don’t overthink it. Just…. Just sleep it off.”

And they lay there together over the gray duvet, Jaehyun tucking his chin over Doyoung’s head and thinking about Doyoung, ever so real and alive in his arms. Dynamic and shifting and settling an arm over Jaehyun’s waist and whispery breaths right in his chest. Someone precious. Someone worth more than whatever mucky hand life dealt them. 

And then finally, some dangerous, fluttery feeling taking Jaehyun’s everything to contain. 

Jaehyun spends a lot of time fantasizing about other worlds; space operas tend to inspire that, with their vast, never-ending lore. But Jaehyun is actually a realist, more than idealist. Because this world isn’t ripe with origin stories. 

This isn’t Tatooine with its two suns. This is Earth, and the second sun in Jaehyun’s life is just Doyoung. 

“We don’t really- We never, um- The brothers aren’t big on comfort.”

“Yeah, well,” Jaehyun says, eyeing the weak sunbeams filtering in through his blinds. “They probably don’t know you.”

Underneath it all, Doyoung is someone who would work himself to death. Underneath it all, Jaehyun doesn’t just want; he needs. 

#

Jaehyun leans back into the frat’s living room couch from the 80s, flipping through his analytical chemistry textbook. Doyoung’s seated on the floor, peering dubiously into his computer perched on the coffee table. It’s the exact posture Jaehyun knows is gonna feel sore the next day.

Unthinkingly, he reaches out a hand to the back of Doyoung’s neck, palm pushing along the spot in between his shoulder blades. 

Doyoung jolts but lets Jaehyun guide him. He’s so skinny, even here. Not in the skeletal way but in the sinuous flex of his muscles; they exist, underneath all the surface level expectations. Jaehyun’s mouth waters.  

“What was that for?” Doyoung tosses him a look over his shoulder. 

“I don’t… know; it just looked uncomfortable. Like it’ll hurt tomorrow.”

“I already have scoliosis, you dingbat.”

Jaehyun’s hand remains, sliding up to rub circles over that knot that forms where the spine meets the neck, which pops out over the back of Doyoung’s shirt. “Ah, my bad,” Jaehyun’s still a bit entranced. 

Ten walks in, and Jaehyun snatches his hand away. 

#

One time, Doyoung falls asleep at the frat’s kitchen table with his glasses and computer screen still on. Jaehyun gives him a solid half-hour and then steps in to take them off. 

The movement jostles his hair a bit. He is still beautiful. Jaehyun aches. He still wants to punch himself in the face because…a frat boy, really? But through it all, he aches. 

He shuts down Doyoung’s laptop for him, exiting out of the poster designs he was working on for a charity event. Jaehyun expected a lot less coordination, but fraternities are socially active in many different ways, not just the keg stands and party surcharges. 

But Doyoung is spread unbelievably thin, caught between all these contexts and commitments. He’s amazingly talented, and Jaehyun knows — he just knows — success is worthy of Doyoung. Not even the other way around. Simply that he will be someone great. Not good, not middling. 

Jaehyun doesn’t know if he’ll quite stick around in Doyoung’s life long enough to see it, but fuck, he so wants to be. He wants to be there. 

#

Jaehyun knows what formal is, but he’s never been to one of the Greek ones. 

Doyoung pitches it to him like this. “Okay, so well other schools would probably come here for theirs, so we have to go do something else to stay on theme. Usually, sailing off to Tijuana or Cabo, but this year, we’re going skiing.”

“Skiing…in a drought?”

Doyoung squints gregariously. “Technically, we’ve gone from the extreme/worst to moderate/severe….”

“Global warming, solved by frat bros.”

Doyoung’s eyes twinkle in mirth. “Right, so are you in?”

“Uh, I—”

“Come on, do you have anything that weekend in March?” Doyoung whines. 

Jaehyun rolls his eyes up, thinking. “No?” he admits. 

“Then come. I promise it’s not entirely boring. And you don’t even have to endure the truly boring bits. Reception will be fun. Besides, most people end up switching dates, so you'll most definitely get laid some way or other. That's your cut. Also, you're a cool party trick. Walking Subway ad,” Doyoung grins. 

“I genuinely have no idea what all that means.”

“Good.”

Jaehyun lets himself be roped into life by Doyoung. It’s kinda sad yet endearing. It’s not enough for Jaehyun to see Doyoung in infinite contexts; this is an irresistible offer to see him change and modify along the way. Of course, he’ll be sucked into his orbit, the Concordia to his Mandalore. 

“Why me?” Jaehyun asks. 

“Well, it’s gotta be believable, at least, right? And you have to know you’re the prettiest.”

Jaehyun feels the heat in not only his ears but also his cheeks. Damn. 

#

Jaehyun dons a very sharp suit in black for the event. Doyoung is all navy and fuck, they really aren’t well-suited at all. Navy blue and black shouldn’t go together, and yet, Doyoung’s eyeliner absolutely works. It’s too bad Jaehyun’s still inescapably in love with Doyoung. 

Dinner is a quieter affair, which Jaehyun appreciates, even if he doesn’t understand all the weird references the speakers make. There are speeches from alumni at dinner, about their success in accounting firms and screenwriting. The animation director is kinda cool, but Jaehyun needs at least two drinks to work up the courage to introduce himself without nerding out. 

Jaehyun’s always been able to hold his alcohol better than his friends, but it’s really not an accomplishment. Jaehyun’s medium in this aspect too, just relatively strong compared to the dismally lightweight company he usually keeps. It comes in handy when it’s feeling more level-headed than everyone else in the room. It’s less handy when he has to spend more money to get to actual drunkenness. 

That’s not an issue here since it’s apparently an open bar. Honestly, Doyoung should have just led with that, and Jaehyun would have come with no hesitation at all. Everyone from Doyoung’s frat is decked out in fairly similar shades of black and grey. 

In a way, it’s fun to see the others gawk. Yes, Jaehyun is a man. Yes, Jaehyun is pretty. Yes, Jaehyun fucks.

Hmm. Doyoung was right. 

#

Jaehyun’s definitely drunk by the time he agrees to a body shot. He only has a moment to jolt from the cool liquid and then Doyoung’s there, lapping at his collarbone. 

He arches his back into it. It’s good he’s sucking on a lime because he might have had some choice fucking words. 

There’s a second after where Doyoung and Jaehyun lock eyes, and then immediately, another lime wedge is stuffed in Jaehyun’s mouth — why the fuck are Doyoung’s fingers right there and so deep in his mouth where they don’t need to be ? — and they’re doing it again. 

Jaehyun swears his heart stops for a split moment. 

“Ooh, me next?” Ten’s eyes go wide. 

“No!” Jaehyun is hoarse and holds up a finger to catch his breath as he sits up from the table. 

“Don’t tell me you’ve never done that before,” Doyoung’s only slightly condescending, but his eyes gleam.  

“Oh, please.” And it’s truth: Jaehyun has, but just never with Doyoung. 

#

Jaehyun dances with the gays and baes. Everyone’s way too close for comfort, but Jaehyun just closes his eyes and moves his hips where the crowd takes him. He doesn’t always stay attached to Doyoung, but it’s surprisingly difficult to stick together when the effort is made. The funniest instance is when this one couple that’s a public indecency charge away from fucking get totally obnoxious about people who need to pass. The couple shift a bit, blocking more of their path. 

And Doyoung’s there, hesitating how to get around them. Jaehyun reaches over to grab him by the shoulder and pull him across. “Are you ok-ayyy?”

He doesn’t expect to hit bone; this tether feels strong, the same tight grip you’d use when you fuck into someone. Jaehyun feels a wave of want wash over him, and he lets go of Doyoung’s shoulder like he’s been burned.  

Doyoung’s still much too close, mere inches away from Jaehyun’s face. “Yeah, fine.” 

If Jaehyun closes his eyes, he can just smell the sweat on Doyoung’s skin. He sees the way it weighs the tips of his hair down. The way it affects Doyoung’s crooked smile. Jaehyun needs to step away before he does something stupid like lick it or sniff or worse, start mawing. 

#

Jaehyun’s surprised he doesn’t entirely black out from the dancing and drinking, but he stays largely in that perfect range of tipsy the entire night. Doyoung’s not so lucky.

Doyoung’s more loopy than Jaehyun’s ever seen him before. Yuta’s just like shoving him at Jaehyun like, “Can you make sure he gets to his room? I swear the stupid fucker does this on purpose!”

“Oh, Jaehyun, is that you?” Doyoung slurs.

“Yes, I believe so.”

“You wouldn’t know?” Doyoung staggers with him into a bedroom not too far from the core party. Trust Doyoung to keep up tact even when drunk. Jaehyun’s always been a fan of convention centers attached to hotels, but he’s decidedly less of a fan once he and Doyoung reach the room at the ski resort. 

There’s just one bed, and some part of Jaehyun’s soul constricts itself into hell. He stops in his tracks, whereas Doyoung barrels past him to start unpacking his suitcase and pull out a toothbrush and paste? “Oh, shoot. I thought this was a two-bedroom.”

“It’s fine; I’ll just sleep on the floor.”

“It’s not that bad, come on,” Doyoung rolls his eyes. 

Which is absolutely true. It’s fine, but maybe highly inconvenient for Jaehyun whose heart is very weak. No, no. The floor is much safer for him emotionally. 

He settles onto the carpet, resigned because he is far too tired to make his way back to his own room. He steals one of Doyoung’s sheets to make his own bed while Doyoung, the sociopath or responsible, functional member of society he is, brushes his teeth. Jaehyun settles in, fully ready for his fate. It’s that lack of self-preservation again…. It’ll be the death of him, he thinks, as Doyoung almost trips over Jaehyun on his way back to the bed. 

And then he sees one roach and it all goes to shit. “Ahh!” Jaehyun screams, much too high-pitched.

“I told you!” Doyoung laughs peals as Jaehyun all but flops up next to him on the bed with his own blanket. 

“Well, I’m sorry it sounded like a pickup line.”

In the end, Jaehyun realizes, it’s not so hard to share. With Doyoung, there’s his friends, this bed, that humor, etc. He could see himself sharing a lot of his life with Doyoung long-term too, which is a really fucking deranged thought to have. 

Doyoung reaches his arms out, pulling Jaehyun in closer next to him. “Let me just borrow some of that warmth,” he rationalizes with his eyes closed. “Stop thinking so hard!” Doyoung shoves at Jaehyun’s shoulder so he’s not facing him anymore. 

“I will not be the little spoon!” Jaehyun is indignant. 

“Yeah, yeah. Fork me up, baby,” Doyoung mumbles, snuggling in further and adjusting his grip tighter. 

Jaehyun grumbles but actually kinda likes it since it feels nice. Doyoung feels nice.

#

There’s no worse way to wake up than with a boner and zero brain cells. Jaehyun, at a close second, wakes up with pins and needles killing his arm, completely, totally tangled with Doyoung. A Doyoung with a serious case of morning wood digging into Jaehyun’s hip.  

“Doyoung….” Jaehyun trails off. He turns around to shake this bitch awake. “Doyoung!”

Doyoung squints heavily as he wakes up. “Yeah?”

“Your…dick,” Jaehyun says eloquently. 

“Oh…. Oh yeah, that just happens around cute guys,” he says, like a weirdo. 

Jaehyun looks him in the eye. There is no light, just some feral glint in Doyoung’s eye that leaves Jaehyun dizzy. How can it be so overwhelming to crave? “And what are you going to do about it?”

“Probably jerk off pretty soon.”

It’s a push for Jaehyun to leave, but his brain doesn’t catch up fast enough to his mouth before: “And do you want me to do anything about it?” he asks.

Doyoung goes completely still. “Uh, what?” he whispers. 

Jaehyun rolls his eyes; he can feel the heat pooling in his ears. “Maybe not anything, but yeah.”

Doyoung blinks twice and then says, “Yeah, touch me. Please.”

Jaehyun grins to himself, pleased, as he leans more of his weight across and into Doyoung’s left side for a better angle as his hand works its way to Doyoung’s pants. Tenderly almost, he slips his fingers underneath the elastic band, delighting in Doyoung’s squirming.

Jaehyun pulls up to spit into his own hand and then sinks his further lower to hold him in his hand, with this slightly too tight and punishing grip. Doyoung makes a noise he’s never heard before: a desperate and shocked cry. 

“Don’t tell me you like this?” Jaehyun grows patronizing; perhaps this is the one of the few places he can. 

Doyoung gasps for breath, “I’m going to kill you.”

“Before or after I get you off?”

Doyoung swears viciously under his breath, and it delights Jaehyun so much he is laughing into Doyoung’s face. “During?” 

Doyoung’s groaning again, squirming like he can’t decide if he wants to lean into or away from Jaehyun’s touch. The spit only does so much for the slide, and Jaehyun feels his wrist start to click as it does when he gets tired and no, that simply won’t do. 

“Can you cum in my mouth?” Jaehyun whispers. 

“Yes,” Doyoung squeaks.

“Can you do it without being loud? Very thin walls here, you know.”

Doyoung looks at him with wide, round eyes and nods affirmatively. “Yeah,” he rasps.

Jaehyun sinks his way down Doyoung’s body, finding his way under the sheets. His fingertips just barely brush a nipple over the shirt, and Doyoung seizes up. Interesting. 

Jaehyun settles his head between Doyoung’s legs as he draws away the shorts. He laves his tongue over the underside of Doyoung’s dick, tracing the vein. It’s wet from earlier, but the fucking buzz Jaehyun gets when he puts his lips on the head — there’s nothing else quite like it. 

Jaehyun laps, just tiny little kitten licks, even though Doyoung’s already well-worked up. He uses his tongue to wrap around the sides of his dick, letting it create the saliva for a good fucking slide. 

He exhales thickly, letting the hot air wisp over Doyoung. And still, he hasn’t taken him wholly. Doyoung’s thighs shake just a little bit, and Jaehyun finds that he loves that. He loves that Doyoung is trying so hard for him. 

Jaehyun brings in his other hand, caressing from ball to tip with a fingernail. God, he can barely wait to have this dick in his mouth; he’s only been holding back at the apparent distress it gives Doyoung. He licks his lips, and then he wraps them over and around the crown of Doyoung’s cock. He keeps his tongue flat, even as more precum dribbles out and down Jaehyun’s throat. 

Jaehyun thinks about this cock and just living life stuffed full of it. Thinks about waking up like this morning and being nothing more than a vessel for Doyoung to cum. It’s a dangerous thought, even thinking the truth that he’d like nothing more than that.

Jaehyun starts to bob his head, taking in more cock each time. This is painfully slow, even for him, but it’s what Doyoung needs. Some care. Some skill. Some worth. 

Jaehyun slips his lips off with an obscene pop, then looks at his masterpiece, this dark, angry cock utterly drenched in liquid, in Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun leans over yet again, open-mouthed and sticking his tongue out over Doyoung’s dick. He spits onto it, using his tongue to swirl and guide the fall. He uses the clicky hand to start pumping him again. 

From his fucking core, he feels Doyoung’s guttural groan. And it suddenly reminds Jaehyun that he too is fucking hard, and his dick is straining — as it has been for a while — against the front of his athletic shorts. He says nothing about it and keeps going, internalizing how he is nothing right now next to Doyoung’s need. Jaehyun kisses Doyoung’s hip, because his brain is nearly mush too. 

He takes a deep breath and brings his mouth back to Doyoung’s dick, right where it belongs. He takes him in as far as he possibly can, and Doyoung shouts. Oh, that’s very much not good. 

Jaehyun’s been strategic about his teeth so far, but he lets up the pressure, dragging them as he slides off again. “What the hell, man?” he growls, voice having already leeched its way into sex-ruined. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” Doyoung whispers, chest heaving already. 

Jaehyun bites his lip anxiously, but then he notices Doyoung can’t stop staring at his lips. “Kiss me?” Jaehyun asks, kneeling back with his weight on his heels. 

Doyoung scrambles up to meet him midway like his offer will disappear within the next 3 seconds. They crash together. They tend to do that a lot, Jaehyun notes. It’s war and hot before settling over into love and hell, which is cold. Doyoung’s lips are soft, much more than Jaehyun’s abused, swollen ones. 

Jaehyun pulls away by pushing with his hand all over Doyoung’s sternum so his back hits the sheets once more. Jaehyun looks back down again at Doyoung’s beautiful dick, psyching himself up. 

And then he takes it all. All of Doyoung’s dick, and it feels so good. He feels so full, and it curves the just right amount to hit that spot in the back of Jaehyun’s throat. And fuck, it feels so good. Jaehyun just has to moan around Doyoung’s dick. 

And then the phone rings. 

Jaehyun pulls off. “Answer it if you’re up for it,” he nods his head towards the bedside table. Oh, fuck. His voice is so gravelly from the dick in his mouth. 

Doyoung’s eyes grow even wider, but he’s scrambling, almost entirely twisting his body over to reach for the phone. In the motion, Doyoung’s hole flutters prettily, and Jaehyun has to physically stop and remind himself of the task at hand. No time for that right now, at least. 

Jaehyun pulls Doyoung back to where they were as he chatters on call, “Yup. Nope, all good here. Just woke up and fell off the bed accidentally. Trying, ungh—” —Jaehyun sucks in, hollowing his cheeks; this is what they were meant for— “—to clean up.”

“Oh, Jaehyun?” Doyoung’s eyes flicker back to him and then quickly away, like any glance too long would end him. It makes Jaehyun smirk around Doyoung’s dick a bit. “Yeah, he’s fine.”

Jaehyun brings his hand to corkscrew twist around the parts of Doyoung’s cock he can’t so readily shove down his throat. 

“Oh, no. You don’t have to send anyone up here,” he says quietly, voice shaking just barely. 

“Mhm.” This one’s strained. Jaehyun leans into that, wrapping an arm around Doyoung’s thigh to pull him down closer to him for a deeper, better angle. 

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? For everyone else to see how much you want this? How much you want me?” he mutters in a low voice.

It’s supposed to be generic dirty talk to get back into the earlier air, but then Doyoung looks at him dead seriously and says, “Yes.”

What the fuck does that mean?

“Yeah, we’re good. Okay, goodbye!” Doyoung writhes to put the receiver down and get away from Jaehyun’s demon self. “Oh my god. What the hell was that?”

“Was that okay? Not too much?” Jaehyun taps the inside of his thigh in an effort to soothe, but Doyoung flinches. 

“No, that’s great. It is great. I’m just….” Doyoung looks at him with wide eyes; they’re barely almond anymore. He takes a deep breath. “You’re not a shameful secret, Jaehyun. I know you mean it in the other sense but whoever wants you should be yelling it from the treetops.”

His cock coughs up a bit more precum. It’s crazy how much the both of them are just soaking straight through these sheets. 

“These are some crazy mixed signals,” Jaehyun notes, face all scrunched up. “Do you get off on complimenting me?”

Doyoung takes another deep breath. “It’s the truth, and I want you to know it. You’re beautiful. And you’re nothing less.”

Jaehyun closes his eyes, steeling himself because he cannot be crying right out of the gate. “Just shut up, okay?” 

Doyoung still hasn’t come. His dick stands up painfully, between them, like a constant fucking reminder. How the hell can he think this clearly at all? Jaehyun is clearly out of it. 

“Okay?” 

Doyoung nods. 

“Verbal consent, dipshit.”

Doyoung swallows thickly. “Yes.”

And then Jaehyun leans down and gives one of the best performances of his career, so much so that Jaehyun’s piano will resent him forever and ever. 

Doyoung shakes apart, spurting into his mouth. Some of the cum, because of the angle, escapes down out of Jaehyun’s mouth, but he mostly holds it all. 

He drags his mouth off Doyoung’s dick, stops for a moment, and then swallows every last drop he can. Jaehyun takes a finger and swipes it over Doyoung’s hip where excess cum has collected. He brings it back up to his mouth, letting it sit on his tongue. 

He shows Doyoung, then swallows and opens his eyes again. He opens his mouth to show Doyoung his fucking tongue, like the good fucking boy he is, the good-for-fucking boy Jaehyun is. 

Jaehyun looks up at him through wet eyelashes, knowing full well he’s really fucking good at it. Doyoung chokes on air anyway, and it’s satisfying as hell. It goes straight to Jaehyun’s dick. 

Jaehyun drops his face to Doyoung’s hip as the wave of arousal that hits him is almost too much. He needs Doyoung. He needs to be touched at least. 

“Fuck me,” Jaehyun swears, because what the fuck is he doing? This is Doyoung. 

Doyoung’s chest heaves as he looks at him. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I can’t right now, darling.” 

Jaehyun shivers, pleasure wracking its way up his spine. “Do you think you could prep me in the meantime?” Jaehyun asks. 

Doyoung swears lowly. “How are you real?”

It does make Jaehyun crack a lazy, tired smile through the haze of plug-me-up consuming his entire being. 

#

It takes a lot for Jaehyun to admit he really enjoyed the fooling around they did at the ski resort and that he would very much like for it to happen again in the future, quite often, hopefully exclusively, and with some more banter, cuddles, and love. It takes very little for Jaehyun to remember graduation is a thing and why it’s not going to happen. Maybe they were always headed for disaster. 

They meet again at the frat, in Doyoung’s room. Kun let him in with a warm smile, showing him to Doyoung’s room. This time, the door is closed. This time, Jaehyun must open it. 

He knocks carefully and enters carefully. Doyoung lifts his head up from his desk, where he’d been working on homework. “Hey, what’s up?” He smiles at Jaehyun with his black-rim glasses, and Jaehyun almost loses all his words and resolve to voice what he needs to say. 

Jaehyun closes the door behind him and leans his back against it. He steels his breath. “I think I might love you,” Jaehyun says. 

“Oh, I know you do,” Doyoung says back to him. And man, Han Solo has nothing on Doyoung and his brand of swagger.

Jaehyun gapes a little. “...And?”

Doyoung smiles coyly. “I quite like you back too, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

Jaehyun sends his gaze skyward. “This sucks since you’re leaving, and I don’t know what all this has been for if—”

“Oh, shoot,” Doyoung cuts in, no longer mirthful. “I’m so sorry that I forgot to tell you, but I joined a combined master’s program, so I’m graduating next year. We have time, Jaehyun. If that’s your biggest worry, then let me be the one to help you let it go.”

Jaehyun blinks. Then again. And again. “What the fuck, Doyoung.” 

Doyoung shrugs and his lips crease into that gummy smile of his. 

“I hate you.”

“We have established that you do not.”

Jaehyun’s petulant. “Yeah, well? I take it back.”

Doyoung steps away from his desk, inching his way closer to Jaehyun. “Do you now?”

“Mhm. Let me be emo in peace, you demon,” his voice is getting too reedy. Balls. 

“Aw, do you need a whole Kylo Ren moment?” Doyoung places a hand against the door at Jaehyun’s back to lean, lean in close. 

“You’ve watched Star Wars?” Jaehyun gasps softly.

Doyoung scowls at him for one delicious moment. “Who hasn’t?”

Jaehyun emotionally nuts. “I need you in me,” he tells him.

Doyoung snickers, “That can be arranged.”

#

College is undoubtedly transformative. 

People leave when going off to college. And those who are lucky enough to leave come back changed. Different people. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for the worse. So much of Jaehyun at university has seemed like stepping backward in time, regressing to a point where school couldn’t be asked to click in his head. [Healing isn’t linear, but it still feels so annoying when it isn’t.]

But Jaehyun looks at Doyoung and thinks about the ways he’s grown because of him. Feeling more secure in the university he chose. Learning to let go of first impressions. Working to keep the best of friendships alive. 

This silly, silly frat boy cannot carry the world’s mysteries as they cater to Jaehyun, and yet: here he is. 

Learning to look at a man beyond the mask. Even if your first impression properly perceives the mask, it can only be the façade. Underneath, well, all that is lived experience. 

Doyoung is everything Jaehyun could have ever wanted. Never expected, but still so acutely matched. Someone driven enough to make Jaehyun of all people recognize when to step in and slow down. 

And that, compared to who he once was, Jaehyun is an infinitely more well-rounded human being because of it all. All the pain and ambition and desire behind wanting to be more than whatever you are right now…. These are all no strangers to Doyoung. From the empathy behind just hearing that Doyoung watches all the shows, participates in all the clubs, and attends all the parties to this sense of mine. It’s not even as paltry as, “This is my boyfriend.” It’s more like, “This is my person. This is some significant piece of me.”

In this damn dump that is university, you find your people. The frat is that for Doyoung, and Doyoung is that for Jaehyun. If it’s about weathering the storm of college together, then Jaehyun sees no brighter future. 

It’s love, and then some.