Archive of Our Own

There's a war inside my head

Sometimes I wish I was dead,

I'm broken

Are they in a romantic relationship?' I thought to myself. 'No, no. That's impossible.'

"Arrg!" I groaned in frustration and flopped back on my bed. They still bicker and argue which means they can't be together, right? But sometimes they are strangely gentle and friendly with one another. "Damn it. I feel like I'm going nuts agonizing over this stupid shit."

So I call this therapist

and she said 'girl you can't be fixed

Just take this

I mustered up the energy to get up and ask for someone else's option on the matter. Rima. She listens to everyone. She's like our school's therapist. Just not officially.

"Calm down. Kaname and Zero haven't really done anything to make us think they are together, so let's not jump to conclusions. They hated each other until recently and now that they are getting along better. The difference probably just seems a little jarring and you're not used to the new way they act. Anyway, come on, we gotta get ready." Rima got up off the couch and headed toward her room to get ready for class. I grabbed the little red bottle from my pocket and took out two pills that act as blood supplements. 'Maybe she's right, I'm probably over thinking.'

I'm tired of trying to be normal

I'm always over thinking

I'm driving myself crazy

So what if I'm f*cking crazy

and I don't need your quick fix

I don't want your prescriptions

Just 'cause you say I'm crazy

So what if I'm f*cking crazy

And I'm gonna show you

I stopped fiddling with the pills and just stared at the table, lost in thought. 'Or maybe they are together and are just good at hiding it. Kaname could be making this some kind of test and if we figure it out, we pass. Or maybe Zero has convinced Kaname to keep it a secret, and Zero is laughing at our foolishness. Oh my gosh, what if Zero is trying to blackmail Kaname or something?!' I got up and through the second pill, along with the entire bottle, in the trash. "Ugh, this is driving me crazy. Once I start thinking about something, I can't just stop. There's no way they are together. How could I even think that?" I continued to mumble, trying to reassure myself, as I walked back to my dorm room.

Loco, maniac, sick b*tch, psychopath,

Yeah I'm gonna show you

I'm gonna show you,

mental, out my brain, bad sh*t go insane

Yeah I'm gonna show you

I grabbed another full bottle of blood pills and set it by my bed. That night, it took me 3 hours of staring at the ceiling to finally fall asleep.

My Nightmare

I was standing in an area entirely black. Am I even standing? Maybe I'm floating. Yeah, I'm an angel. Suddenly, the floor turned white and I realized, yes, I am standing. Looking back up, I see Kaname appeared in front of me. He turns towards me to show a dazzling smile. A genuine smile, not the fake ones that he puts up for others' sake. At least, I'm pretty sure it's a real smile. Anyway, it didn't really matter. He was smiling at me, because of me. But- but then…

I was then proven wrong. He walked out from behind me. Silver hair and rare purple eyes. As much as I tried to insult him for, well everything that he does, the truth is: I'm jealous. He could make Kaname smile for real. He could make Kaname's eyes light up like they haven't done in a very, very long time. He could make Kaname nervous before a date. He could make Kaname skip class. Only he could get a breath taking kiss from Kaname.

"Hey, beautiful." Kaname greeted him. How come he couldn't greet me that way? No, only Zero. All I ever get it a simple "hello."

"Hi." Came Zero's short answer. Kaname's arm wrapped around his waist and their lips meet. I squeezed his eyes shut and turned away. But instead of seeing the black nothingness of my dream, I saw them again. But this was different from the last one.

I've been searching the city streets

Trying to find the missing piece like you said

And I said 'totally need to find this

There's not a single things that's wrong with my mind

They were running, fighting. Together, chasing rogue vampires and fought anyone who tried to tear them apart. They were getting further away from me. Further away from my life.

"Kaname! Wait Kaname!" I ran after them but seemed to be getting nowhere. I could hear everyone's voices echo around me. Rima, The chairmen, my friends.

"Give up. There is no place for you among them. You have no place in Kaname's life."

"No! I need him. He is the only one for me. A-and he needs me…right?"

I'm tired of trying to be normal

I'm always over thinking

I'm driving myself crazy

"NO!" I shot up in bed breathing hard. "Damn it!" I grabbed the closest thing on my nightstand, which was the red bottle full of pills, and threw it across the room. It hit the wall and the little pills rained down everywhere.

Loco, maniac, sick b*tch, psychopath,

Yeah I'm gonna show you

I'm gonna show you,

mental, out my brain, bad sh*t go insane

Yeah I'm gonna show you

My eyes turned red and I got out of bed. Getting dressed, I left my room and marched to Kaname's. I know he is asleep. I know he's a pureblood. I know I would get in trouble for barging in there or silently sneaking in. I did it anyway. I knew the others would call me crazy but whatever. I'll say I had a nightmare and he'll let me stay with him. 'Ahh, what if he comforted me all night? It would be perfectly romantic.' I thought and started to fangirl.

Crazy, crazy

yeah I'm gonna show you

crazy, crazy

yeah I'm gonna show you

crazy, crazy (Yeah)

I reached his door and quietly opened it. I'll just sneak in next to him and cuddle. I crept in and locked the door behind me. Slowly, I made my way past the 2 couches, past the bathroom door and past his work area that was covered with papers. I stood in front of his bedroom door. (He's a pureblood so naturally, he had a bigger dorm than the rest.)

I'm tired of trying to be normal

I'm always over thinking

I'm driving myself crazy

So what if I'm f*cking crazy

and I don't need your quick fix

I don't want your prescriptions

Just 'cause you say I'm crazy

So what if I'm f*cking crazy

No. There they were, My Kaname and the silver haired b*tch that stole his away. Together. On the bed. Kaname was spooning Zero, his chest to Zero's back. Urggh! How dare they looked entirely content like this?! This has to still be a dream. I rubbed my eyes and pinched myself but deep down I knew it was real. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I had to end this. I can't let it happen. 'Kaname, I will save you. It will all be better after this, don't worry, I'll take care of you.' My thoughts spiraled.

I silently pull a knife from my boot. I put it there in case I ever came under attack in a bad situation. Zero's eyes snapped open just as I reached his side. He rolled over Kaname and out of his arms. My knife ripped through the bed sheets and into the mattress. Kaname, now laying on his back, opened his eyes. I froze. They were glowing red, his confusion quickly turned to burning anger. He grabbed my wrist and Zero came up behind me. I felt him kick me in the side and the knife slips from my hands, clattering on the floor.

"You- You tried to kill Zero." Kaname said angrily, quite surprised that one of his closest companions would actually resort to murder.

"I had to. He stole you away from me. He stole my rightful place!" I lunged at Zero, my claws lengthening. He didn't even flinch, trusting Kaname to handle to situation. Kaname completely stopped my attack, and I barely had time to blink before his fist connected with my face. I fell to the ground and looked up at them, completely surprised. Kaname isn't really a fist fight, brawler sort of person. For him to punch someone, to punch me, is a testament to how angry he feels. I see the betrayal in his eyes and my heart suddenly aches.

Kaname wraps his arms around Zero's waist and Zero simply leans into his chest, the adrenaline gone. And the worst part. They started kissing, a way of comforting each other, maybe? I feel dizzy, swaying like I'm on a boat, darkness overtook me and I think: 'My name is Yuki Kuran, and I lost just my beloved Kaname to my adopted brother. How Ironic.'