Chapter Text
"Elain, I've brought tea. Do you think you can take a few sips for me?" I sat the teapot and cup on the side table next to her before gently stroking some hair out of her face. She hasn't been taking to this new life of ours very well, closing herself off and refusing to eat. But I have managed to get her to drink tea, ensuring she gets some sort of nutrients and calories into her system. I hope to move onto broth soon, but I don't want to push too hard, risking a regression on her behalf.
If it weren't for my hand already playing with her hair, I never would have noticed the faint nod she gave me before reaching for the cup. I was happy to sit in silence with her so long as she consumed something. I continued stroking her hair, remembering how much she enjoyed it when we were younger and how it would keep her calm, especially when life got hard after our family moved into that little shack. She has yet to show any sign of wanting me to stop, so I continued to stand behind her chair, looking out of the window with her while she slowly drank her tea.
Some moments passed before she set the cup down. A quick glance showed me she emptied it, and I smiled slightly at the sight. “Let me know if you want a refill, yes?” Another faint nod and we went back to watching the outdoor world in silence. She’s always been fond of flowers and plants, and this view showcased one of the most beautiful gardens I had ever seen. I was hopeful this view was helpful to her mental state and that she simply didn’t just keep coming here because she knew where this room was.
I was taking a mental inventory of flowers I didn’t recognize so I could look them up later, thinking maybe sharing some new facts about the plant-life in this new world would cheer her up some, when the door opened. I glanced over to Azriel, noticing his eyes flick between the two of us before being trained directly on Elain. Something in my chest twisted when our eyes met before feeling something I could only describe as a “click.” I wasn’t entirely sure what was happening - all I knew was that I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the Illyrian male. He was always attractive, but seeing him with my new fae senses? He was the most breathtaking creature I have ever seen.
Since I was watching him so closely, I noticed that his eyes widened slightly when I felt the ‘click’ before a small smile appeared on his face. He approached Elain slowly, kneeling beside her. “Can I get you anything?” I was getting ready to respond, saying I’ve got my sister taken care of, before the most surprising thing happened.
She turned to him, doe eyes meeting his beautiful hazel ones, before quietly asking for more tea.
I shook my head, clearing away that horrid memory from six months ago. A lot has changed since then. The war ended and those in the Inner Circle have been working with other courts on retaining peace. Nesta continued to struggle for a long while after the war, but with the help of Feyre and Cassian, she sort of fell into her new role. Still a bit angry, understandably so, but less destructive and that’s more than I could ask for. Once it became clear that Elain was a Seer and not crazy, she has been flourishing. Gardening her days away with the brightest smile on her face. A smile that could mainly be attributed to a certain male.
I shut down that train of thought the moment it entered my mind. Thinking of them together hurt in ways I never thought possible, and I didn’t enjoy that particular thought breaking through the numbness I built.
After some investigating, it became clear to me that Azriel was my mate. Our bond having clicked into place that day in the study, but it appears I’m not even good enough for my own soul mate as he has only had eyes for Elain from the moment it clicked.
I spoke to Rhys and Feyre a few different times, under the guise of general curiosity about what a bond is like. They confirmed what I initially felt that day, but that it feels different for them given that they chose to accept the bond and have been incredibly happy ever since. I asked Rhys once, about a month after the bond clicked, what it meant for a fae who was rejected by their mate. I pretended I was asking about Lucien since my sister made it clear she wanted nothing to do with him, and wanted to see if he believed this rejected bond could have been playing at all into her depression. I’ll never forget the sad look that passed his eyes, saying that Lucien will forever feel incomplete. That there would be a gaping hole in his chest that couldn’t be filled. He’ll learn how to live with that feeling, maybe have days where he doesn’t think about it at all. But unless Elain accepts the bond, he’ll only ever feel an unrequited love of the most severe kind. He mentioned he didn’t think Elain rejecting the bond would impact her on this scale and that everything she was feeling was solely related to her lost life.
I thanked Rhys for the information, and I remember saying something vague about wanting to send Lucien a gift of some kind, something to show he wasn’t alone in this world and that he has friends if he chooses to accept us. But I walked away from Rhys, shutting down the rest of that conversation and locked myself in my room where I cried for the rest of the night.
When I woke the next morning, I found that I didn’t feel anything at all. And for the last five months, I’ve continued to live in this sort of numbness. Seeing Feyre happy and finally living the life she’s deserved? Nothing. Watching Nesta tamper her anger and accepting the possibilities this world, and maybe even Cassian, offered her? Nothing. Watching Elain flirt and laugh with Azriel as if they were mated? For better or for worse, nothing.
Through all of this, what should have upset me was that no one noticed my own decline. I spent my entire life raising and caring for my sisters, knowing them better than anything else in this world. I knew when they would start to feel sick before they even knew, and began prepping various soups and collecting medicines to help. I sensed when a disagreement was about to break into all-out war and knew how to diffuse it immediately. Even when we had nothing, I organized birthday parties to celebrate our life and enjoy everything we were able to hold onto and make ourselves.
It was today, on my 29th birthday, that I realized I never had a birthday party. No one ever baked me a cake or brought me a present. Feyre would hug me, but given how much she hated her own birthday, she couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge anyone’s birthday further than that. And it was this year’s hug that caused this internal spiral of mine. We had all just finished eating in the House of Wind and everyone was moving their way into the living room when she pulled me to the side. Didn’t say anything to me, just pulled me into a tight hug before walking away with a small smile on her face.
I stood in the entryway for a moment, letting all of my thoughts catch up to me, before Cassian’s booming voice called for me to join them. I moved quietly to the armchair closest to me, and it allowed me to look at everyone as they settled into their own spaces.
Amren was perched on Varian’s lap, and it was clear that they had zero intention of staying around us for much longer. Mor, Cassian, and Nesta shared a sofa nearest the fireplace. Mor and Cassian were talking about who knows what over a glass of wine while Nesta pretended she wasn’t listening in as she sipped on her own glass. Feyre had moved next to Rhys, where she sat on the arm of his chair, leaning against his shoulder as she tried to get caught up on what Mor and Cassian were discussing. Finally, I glanced over at Elain and Azriel, whispering to each other in soft tones while they sat on the loveseat. How fitting. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Azriel said something that made her giggle before biting her lip and looking up to him.
I tried to pull up some sort of anger, some disappointment, in an attempt to finally break away from this cold detachment. No matter how long I watched them, hoping the longer I watched, the more this ice would thaw, nothing changed. I no longer imagined what it would be like to be the one sitting with him, to be the one who made him laugh and his bright hazel eyes shine. I no longer imagined what it would be like to be the one who was loved by him, who was accepted by him. All there was now was just a hollowness in the center of my chest.
I don’t know how long I watched them whisper and laugh, but I eventually tore my eyes away only to see Feyre watching me with such strong sorrow. I continued looking at her, almost daring her to say something. But like every other moment in life where I would have appreciated someone stepping in on my behalf, she looked down at the glass of wine she held. It occurred to me that no one offered me a glass, and that’s when my decision was made.
Cassian was telling some story and when everyone broke out in laughter, I used the distraction to slip out of my chair and move my way to my room. I kept the door slightly open behind me so that I could keep track of when they all started to quiet down and settle in for the night. Keeping one ear trained on the door, I began packing a bag with all of my meager belongings. I didn't have many toiletries to pack as it turns out I had no one to impress. Most of my clothes had become far too big on me, and I never bothered to replace any of them. Falling into this numbness meant I no longer felt much of an appetite. Even tonight, with everyone in attendance, no one noticed that I simply pushed the food around my plate for the duration of the meal.
Once everything I wanted to take with me was packed, I pulled a coin purse from my bedside table. I had slowly been withdrawing funds from the account Rhys set up for me. I doubt anyone kept track of something as small as the account he created, but I figured since no one reached out asking about what I was purchasing with what I took, no one noticed that I took almost everything. I fully intend to pay Rhys back for this, but for now, it’s the only way I can leave and settle down somewhere else.
Feeling a need to explain myself, I wrote Feyre a letter. I felt I owed her something considering everything she and her mate were willing to share with me in order to help transition me into this new life. I briefly considered writing Nesta and Elain, but if they weren’t going to give me the time of day, I’ll allow myself to be petty enough to do the same. Once the letter was done, I sat back at my desk, waiting for the house to finally go quiet.
It took a few hours, as I expected it to. Once 30 minutes passed since the last voice quieted, I grabbed my bag, confirmed the coin purse was inside, and made my way to the front door. Walking silently along the corridor, I noticed Cassian had passed out in the living room along with Mor, but everyone else had gone to bed. I opened and closed the front door as silently as possible, not wanting to alert the two closest to me of my departure. Once the door was shut, I winnowed away.
___________
Feyre sat in the dining room and looked over her family with a fond smile. She noticed no one had a glass of wine with their dinners and she bit back a laugh. Once Cassian got in the mood, no one could escape his need to break into every bottle of wine he could see, and it appears everyone lost their taste for the beverage this evening. She made eye contact with Rhys, and he winked at her, most likely noticing the same thing she did.
Cassian, Amren, and Mor were arguing about who knows what, while Varian watched on with interest. Azriel was smiling as Elain described her latest garden plans and Feyre felt her heart lurch. Fiona never confided in her about what she felt for the Spymaster, but it wasn’t too hard to figure out, especially given the questions she had asked her and Rhys about mating bonds. Rhys shared the topic of his private conversation with Fiona about rejected bonds as he was concerned, but still Feyre didn’t bring it up. Her sister’s mating bond wasn’t her story to tell, though she did what she could in asking Azriel and Elain to cool off each other. Clearly that didn’t work as it only pushed them closer together. Feyre had an inkling that Azriel didn’t know about the bond with Fiona, that he wouldn’t be so heartless as to push her away like this if he felt it. However, knowing that didn’t help calm the growing concern she had for her eldest sister.
She turned her gaze to Fiona's normal spot, only to frown when she found it empty. “Has anyone seen Fiona today?” The table quieted down, everyone looking at the empty chair that caught Feyre’s attention as if they were all realizing at the same time the oldest Archeron wasn’t in attendance.
“I’m sure she’s fine. Probably realized there’s no need to come down to a meal and pretend to eat if she’s just going to sit around ignoring her food anyways.” Elain shrugged and Feyre felt a glare sharpen into place.
“How kind of you, as her sister, to notice she’s starving herself and do nothing about it. Whereas she fought tooth and nail to ensure you consumed something every day when you were in the pit of your depression a few months ago,” Mor snarled. Before Azriel could jump in and defend Elain, Feyre interrupted.
“So no one has seen her, checked in on her?” At the silence that fell upon the table, a feeling of despair fell into her stomach like a rock. She quickly stood from the table and ran to Fiona's room. Surely she wouldn’t hurt herself, right? Feyre knows things haven’t been easy on her, and she felt guilty she didn’t do much to try and show that Fiona wasn’t alone. But she was just so busy in rebuilding that she assumed one of her other sisters or members of the Inner Circle would have been checking in on Fiona just as she always checked in on them.
Fiona's bedroom door was open so Feyre didn’t hesitate to run in. “Fiona? Are you here?” She looked around the room and bathroom, noticing it was missing both her sister and quite a few of her belongings. A folded piece of paper with Feyre’s name on it caught her attention, and she grabbed it quickly. Tears forming and threatening to fall, Feyre stormed back into the dining room where it sounded like everyone was trying to retrace their steps as to when they last saw Fiona. From what Feyre heard, it doesn’t even sound like they knew she sat in the living room with them once they finished eating.
“Darling? Is she alright? What happened?” Feyre ignored her mate in favor of throwing the letter at Nesta, who was closest to her. The only sign of Nesta being startled by Feyre’s aggression was a quick blink.
“Read it.” Nesta looked up at Feyre, confusion evident in her eyes, but her facial expression otherwise kept neutral.
“Stop with the theatrics, Feyre, and just tell us -”
“Read the fucking letter, Nesta. Out loud.” Nesta straightened in her seat before grabbing the letter.
“Feyre, I’m sorry to leave in the middle o-” Nesta’s brows furrowed, and she cleared her throat before starting again. “I’m sorry to leave in the middle of the night without giving a proper goodbye. But I know myself well enough that if you asked me to stay, I would in a heartbeat, regardless of what your home is doing to me.
I love you, Feyre, but I can no longer stay in a place where I’m not welcomed, where I’m not wanted. Since the moment I was Made, I’ve felt my soul crack and break more and more each day. I allowed myself to grow numb to it in an attempt to save myself from the pain so that I could stay with you, sister. However, I fear that staying will only make this numbness permanent. I’ve always been willing to fight and give every piece of myself to ensure my sisters were happy and safe, and I had foolishly believed my sisters would do the same for me. Sadly, I find myself with nothing left to give and no one willing to fight for me as I have fought for them.
I want to thank you and Rhys for the room you’ve given me these last few months. It was the kindest thing I remember anyone having done for me lately, and I am eternally grateful to you for that. I also want to thank Rhys for the funds he set up for me. I wish I didn’t have to, but I withdrew enough to help me get out of this Court. When I am able to, I will pay everything back. Until then, please don’t look for me. I will be fine." Nesta paused, but Feyre wouldn’t let her, urging her to keep reading.
"It’s funny. Even when I spent time with my sisters, I was never really with any of you, was I? Surrounded by everyone and I was still on my own. Maybe being away will finally give me the opportunity to discover who I am. I wish I could have learned it with all of you as you discovered who you were, but I suppose fate had something else in mind for me.
I’m so proud of you, Feyre. You’ve finally found yourself the life you deserve, and I am so happy for you and Rhys to have each other, to be able to live your best and most wonderful lives. I hoped to find that happiness here, and I am so sorry it didn’t work out that way.
I’ll write to you once I find a place I can settle down, a place I can finally call home. I don’t think I can bring myself to come to your city again, but I hope that when the time comes, you and Rhys would be willing to visit me. Whenever and wherever that may be.
Until next time, little dove. Fiona”
The room was silent as everyone absorbed the words Nesta read. Rhys watched his mate, trying to get a sense of where her thoughts were, but unable to read her. Azriel, Elain, and Cassian were looking at Nesta with shock written on their faces. Mor looked furious, but it was Amren who spoke up.
“What else did you expect? You’ve treated your sister like shit since the moment you arrived, and I’m certain that’s not new behavior. Wouldn’t be surprised if she spent her entire life dealing with your ungrateful asses.” She began pushing the food around her plate like she used to before the war turned her entirely fae, a sign that she was genuinely upset.
“Excuse me? I’m sorry, but you know nothing of my sister -” Elain began.
“Clearly, neither did you. She’s been withering away for months and you all just sat back and let it happen. Sure, Feyre would check in whenever she had a free moment, but a free moment wasn’t enough, was it? The support and concern of only one of her sisters wasn’t enough, was it? She said it herself - she gave her life to all of you and received nothing for it. Goes to show what she thinks of you and Nesta considering she didn’t even mention you in her letter or write a separate note for either of you.” Everyone stared at Amren, but Mor nodded in agreement.
“I know better than anyone that even family can be toxic and detrimental to your health. Good for her for getting out and doing what’s right for her.” Elain tried to continue arguing with Mor and Amren, mentioning things about how selfish Fiona is for leaving, but Feyre couldn’t stay here. She felt Rhys reach out to her through the bond, but not even her mate could ease the guilt that was threatening to drown her. The guilt of not trying to do more, the shame that she couldn’t trust her family to look after one of their own.
Feyre watched as Rhys stood from his seat. “I’ll go write to the High Lords, let them know what’s going on.”
“Yes! Tell them to find her and drag her back home. I don’t know what she was thinking -” Rhys looked at Elain with such unrestrained rage that she shut up immediately, paling slightly.
“I am not writing to them to ask them to ‘drag her back home.’ She made it clear she wants nothing to do with Velaris, with this Court, and we will respect that. I’m writing to them to ask for their permission to let her pass through their courts. Unless you want your broken oldest sister to have an even shittier time by being arrested and thrown into a cell for trespassing.” Elain stormed from the room and Feyre watched Amren roll her eyes.
Cassian stood and moved to Rhys. “I’ll help deliver the letters once they’re ready. Az, how about you?” Everyone watched as Azriel looked between his brothers and where Elain ran off to, unable to move or say anything. Cassian scoffed at him. “Great, I’ll take care of this myself. She’s got almost a full 24 hours ahead of us. Who knows where she could be right now or who she could have run into. Do you think she's moving on foot? Can she even winnow?" Feyre followed Cassian and Rhys out of the dining room, leaving Mor and Amren to scold Azriel for not being able to do anything while Nesta continued to look at her older sister’s letter. Of course Nesta noticed what was happening to her sister. But she didn’t know how to comfort. Only how to ignore and hope that it builds a stronger shield. Not the best course of action, but it was no secret to her sisters. She had also noticed that Fiona shut down the moment Azriel and Elain began to grow closer. I hoped to find that happiness here.
Nesta released a humorless laugh, and that cut off whatever discussions were going around her. “Here’s to you finding the life you deserve, sister.” She set the letter on the table before standing. Looking at Azriel, she scowled. “She certainly deserves better than anyone in this Court.”