Archive of Our Own

Joshua often wondered about soulmates. The idea of one other human being crafted perfectly for him to spend the rest of his life with both terrified and endeared him.

There was no one way to find out who your soulmate was: no clock on your wrist or never-ending piece of string tied to another. He always wondered what it would feel like, to find them. He never realised it would be this soul-crushing, this heart-achingly painful to realise his soulmate was just out of his reach.

He stared up at Jihoon with his heart hammering in his chest. Jihoon stood on stage, three, maybe four feet above, and effortlessly strummed the chords on his guitar. The lights dimmed as his song came to a close, and Joshua wanted to collapse on the spot. His soulmate stood before him, looking expectantly, seeking his praise through the thunderous cheers, but Joshua couldn’t find the words to speak. His soulmate stood before him and Joshua knew he was already out of his reach.

*

then.

“Would you consider us friends?”

It hadn’t really come from anywhere, yet seemed like it’d been building for months. Joshua looked up at Jihoon from his Tumblr blog and stammered on his words.

“What?”

Jihoon didn’t look back up at him, just trained his tired, dull eyes on his computer screen in front of him.

“Me and you,” Jihoon continued. His voice was quiet, apprehensive and Joshua could feel the embarrassment radiating off the former from his position sat cross-legged, a couple of feet away. It was ten minutes to two in the morning, a possible four hours left to sleep before they had to be up for their full day of evaluations. Whether he liked working with Jihoon or not, tomorrow rested on if they could arrange this song and learn it quick enough to impress the entertainment gods who decided if they would become famous or not.

“Uhm,” Joshua began. He didn’t want to make this silence between them any more stuffy than it had been. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

Jihoon shrugged and stared continually at his computer screen.

“Just… asking.”

At the crutch of it all, Joshua really didn’t know if Jihoon liked him at all. 

Don’t get him wrong, Jihoon was always polite to him; well-mannered to a fault, even. When Joshua had clearly fucked something up or pissed Jihoon off, it was never an option to discuss - it was always met with that closed-lipped, tight smile, brushing it off as ‘fine’ or ‘no big deal’ and left the same awkward air around them that he felt now, only it lasted a couple of hours at the least. Joshua knew Jihoon wasn’t relaxed around him the way he was around Soonyoung or the way Joshua was around Jeonghan. But Joshua didn’t know he’d been so bad at hiding his reaction to the tension that Jihoon felt like he had to bring it up.

He’d been in Korea for a matter of months, each day waking up more anxious than the last. He wanted things to be perfect here, his big shot at being a pop-star stuffed full with nothing but happy memories and tender times, but in a way, Jihoon made that difficult. Joshua didn’t even know if he could blame Jihoon for it. There was no way to conclude right now if Jihoon was just shy or he was just an asshole who clearly had an issue with Joshua but refused to tell him. But then Joshua remembered the moments like this, when it was the two of them, sitting, thinking, talking occasionally, and some betrayal of those fences Joshua so often detected in Jihoon could sink into the metaphorical mud.

“I just…” Jihoon began. “I just like you. That’s all.”

Joshua hovered his fingers over the keyboard and looked at Jihoon, slightly stricken. One fence post at a time.

“Good. I like you too.”

*

Gradually, naturally, they spent a lot of time together.

Either in Jihoon's box studio; sitting against the mirror of the practice room; sitting on the floor of their kitchen when every other square inch of their flat had been occupied by anything conceivable belonging to someone else. In hindsight, three rooms between thirteen boys seemed like some sort of human rights issue.

Their time together was quiet, tempered. Relaxing almost. Around the rest of his groupmates, Joshua tended to act. Not pretend to be someone else, in any respect -- He was always unabashedly himself, but some heightened version of that, always on guard to impress, to satisfy the energy that bounced around those tiny bedrooms. He always wanted his best foot forward when he was around his groupmates, always laughing, smiling, never one to complain, never the one to bring down the mood. It exhausted him, in some sort of tired bliss that allowed him to sleep happily knowing he wasn't the odd one out.

Jihoon was the opposite of that. Sitting with Jihoon was like taking a relaxing, waking nap, a recharge. Jihoon didn't need the constant stimulation that the others seemed to. They would be together in quiet, occupied with their own things, sometimes collaborating on arranging, pitch, and lyric changes. Since their debut (and before that, really), Jihoon seemed to work non-stop, always thinking of something, always creating something else. It was fascinating watching him work, seeing the cogs turn in his brain as his fingers skittered across his keyboard, adjusting his headphones, scowling at something clearly wrong, frowning at something to be considered. Joshua wondered how, if ever, he switched off. 

Jihoon pulled his headphones down and, barely taking his eyes off his screen, spoke.

"Does 'Rock' or 'Head' work better."

Joshua, heart hammering from the close call of being caught staring, tried not to laugh.

"Rock. Definitely." He hoped he didn’t have to explain his reasoning. The song was already suggestive enough.

Jihoon nodded. His little way of saying thanks. He pulled his headphones back up and Joshua went back to reading his book.

"Why?"

Oh, great.

"Hm?"

"Why Rock. Not Head?"

"Uh..." Joshua considered his words carefully. "It... makes more sense. With the lyrics. And Head is a little... more suggestive?"

Jihoon looked at him and frowned. 

"Suggestive? What about ‘head’ is suggestive?"

Lord take him now. Joshua felt the flush on the back of his neck.

"Well, it's not really, just... in slang--" He paused as Junhui stepped over his legs to reach a can of Diet Coke from the refrigerator. "In slang, it can be used to mean, like, oral."

Jihoon raised an eyebrow.

"Really?"

Joshua nodded.

Jihoon was quiet for a moment.

"How?"

Joshua swallowed. "Well, the term is 'giving head' because you know... your head, like, moves?" This was the last thing he wanted to be explaining on the cold floor of the kitchen. In the dim light, he could have sworn he saw Jihoon flush.

"Right." He began to type and paused again. "None of our other songs give off that sort of... impression, do they?"

Joshua shook his head. "Not that I can think of," he said and continued to stare at the same word he'd been staring at for minutes now. "No, don't think so."

Jihoon readjusted how he sat and nodded along to whatever song was playing over his headphones. A moment later, he looked at Joshua again, who could sense his eyes on him like some tuned sixth sense, and watched as he dismissed whatever thought he had before the words even came to his throat. Then, he got up and left, and Joshua cursed at how possibly the only potential he had to sit and not be awkward had just been ruined. 

*

"Have you ever kissed someone?"

Joshua almost choked on his Coke Zero.

He was hearing certainly hearing things. His fatigue had gotten to a point that he was hallucinating. He coughed as the drink went down the wrong pipe and snorted out the fizz in his nose.

"I'm sorry?"

Jihoon's face was almost entirely hidden by his baseball cap, curved edge revealing only his lips as he chewed on the fried chicken. He'd finished a song and Joshua had decided, in a stroke of boldness, to take him out for food, praying they wouldn't run out of things to talk about along the way and have to sit and eat in silence.

He'd absolutely prefer silence to this.

Jihoon shrugged like he was unwilling to repeat himself and fiddled with the ridges carved into his ring. 

"I was just curious."

Joshua knew Jihoon had never kissed anyone before. He was twenty years old, pure in all physical aspects of the word. Joshua wasn't in the group of people who felt like everyone had to have lost their virginity by their first week in college -- in fact, he was pretty set on the idea that virginity was a social construct invented to shame women, but that was beside the point. Not everyone else thought that, of course, and being in a group with twelve other boys, all having reached various different stages in their sex lives, Joshua could understand how it felt knowing you were the one to not have caught up yet.

"Uh..." Joshua scratched the back of his neck. On one hand, he really didn’t want to make Jihoon feel any worse by rubbing it in; but on the other, lying really wouldn’t help either. "Yeah. Yeah, I have."

Jihoon nodded lightly, rubbing the pads of his fingers together to dust off the chicken crumbs.

“Cool,” was all he muttered and Joshua began to worry that he should have just lied instead. It’s not like this conversation could go anywhere without Jihoon prompting it -- Jihoon knows Joshua knows, so politely returning the question would be an absolutely dick move. So, he continued to eat in silence, like he'd wished to.

“Sorry," Jihoon said next. "I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“Oh, god, you didn’t at all. Don’t worry,” Joshua stammered. “No, I’m, like, an open book. Ask anything.”

Great response, dumbass. Joshua considered bashing his head against the table.

Jihoon’s eyes slowly appeared under the curve of his hat. 

“Really?” he asked.

Joshua swallowed a particularly difficult bite. 

“Sure.”

If Joshua could be certain of one thing about Jihoon, is that he was calculated. Not that that was a bad thing, of course, he just rarely spoke without careful consideration before it. Joshua had learned by now to pick up on the sorts of facial cues that Jihoon’s words didn’t let up. Jihoon parted his lips then and closed them quickly -- he wanted to say something but knew it was for the better if he didn’t. He took a long swig of his Coke and Joshua promptly ordered a second can for them each.

It was when they were walking home that Jihoon stopped under a streetlight and stared at his shoes.

Joshua stopped a pace ahead of him, hands dug deep into his winter coat, and looked at him. 

“Something up?”

Jihoon was quiet.

“It’s snowing.”

Joshua looked up and saw the sparse dots of frost drifting down from the sky. He remembered the first time he saw snowfall like this, his first Christmas in Korea away from his mom and his grandma and how he spent at least two hours outside building a little family of snow, knowing that if he stopped and considered just how much he missed his own family, he’d cry. He smiled at Jihoon then and said, “We should get home before it gets too heavy.” 

He wasn’t sure when he started to refer to their small, shared space at home, but he knew it felt right.

Jihoon didn’t move yet, though, just continued to stare at the pavement that grew more and more speckled with white spots.

“Could you teach me?”

Joshua frowned and began to ask what he meant before he was struck with the understanding of exactly what Jihoon meant. He stayed so quiet that Jihoon finally looked up at him with such large, innocent eyes.

“To kiss, I mean,” he continued, and Joshua knew asking took all his pride to muster the effort.

Joshua was dumbfounded, blinked at him and swallowed.

“Uh…”

Then, Jihoon winced.

“Fuck,” he cursed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” He began to walk past Joshua, body hunched over against the wind, marching with passion before, without even thinking, Joshua reached out and grasped him.

“Wait.”

Jihoon stared up at him, panic-stricken features.

“I’m really sorry, hyung,” he began, but Joshua shook his head.

“Don’t be. I mean, I can do that.” He dropped Jihoon’s arm and faced him. “What do you want to know?”

Jihoon took a second to look around him.

“I, uh... I didn’t… really think about it this far.”

Joshua smiled and took a tentative step forward. Jihoon didn’t back up. It felt like he had suddenly been possessed, an odd combination of pride and confidence swelling in his chest that Jihoon had asked him. Why had Jihoon asked him? Joshua didn't want to think about that now, lest he began to worry he gave off some impression he was a slut. He just let that energy flow through him, that conviction that he could teach someone how to kiss. It made him shiver, made him feel hot all at the same time. It made him feel powerful, invincible and like he wanted to kiss Jihoon the best he ever kissed anyone before. 

Joshua’s heart almost ripped through his chest. He forced a clenched hand to reveal itself from his pocket and lift up to hover near Jihoon’s face. He hadn’t a clue what thought process had led him to take such a bold, assertive step and cup Jihoon’s face with his hand. Jihoon flinched slightly, and Joshua feared he was going to recoil in horror before Jihoon’s lips parted into a small smile. 

“Your hand are cold.”

“Sorry,” Joshua said, quickly bringing his hands together to rub them warm. He returned it. “Better?”

Joshua could have sworn he felt Jihoon rest his cheek against his palm.

“Much.”

Joshua took another slow dive forward, head lowering the handful of inches he had on Jihoon. He moved slow enough that Jihoon had ample opportunity to move away, paused before their lips touched.

“Yeah?” he whispered. One last approval.

“Yeah.” Jihoon nudged up on his toes, seeking Joshua the rest of the way. 

Joshua didn’t know what he was expecting from kissing Jihoon. He’d always assumed with any first kiss there’d be a swell of music, that dizzying feeling as the world stutters to a stop, an explosion of fireworks above his head, but in reality, their kiss felt like all the others had: one person’s lips pressed to another. Joshua guessed this wasn't the same as some normal kiss because, well, people who have an explosive first kiss are people who are in love. And Joshua wasn't in love with Jihoon.

Right?

Joshua could tell Jihoon was holding back -- he held his lips perfectly still, terrified to move them like that would be a bad choice. 

They kissed for a moment, possibly two before Joshua pulled back a mere inch. His throat was dry, tense neck made his words come out hoarse as he whispered, “Part your lips a little bit.” 

Jihoon did so on command and Joshua sunk himself back for another kiss by taking Jihoon’s bottom lip between his own. A small, muffled sigh came from Jihoon’s throat, his hands which were clutching the lapels on Joshua’s coat moving up slightly to cup Joshua’s neck. 

Joshua waited for a second, have Jihoon’s bottom lip a lasting tug and pulled away, returning to their respective heights. Jihoon was flushed bright red, lips sheen with their kiss and lowered himself to his feet with a thud. He cleared his throat, stepped back, and didn’t look at Joshua as he began to walk away. Joshua, for a heart wrenching second, worried he’d ruined it all before Jihoon turned to him and summoned him with a nod of his head.

Joshua knew then that Jihoon was going to get him into some serious trouble.

*

Every now and again, they would practise.

It started in Jihoon’s studio, once or twice a week when he would tire of staring at his computer and ask Joshua to sit facing him on the floor. They started slow, giving one another gentle pecks, soft, demure kisses that left Joshua's lips tingling with Jihoon's taste. Then Jihoon wanted to try more. He'd suck on Joshua's lip longer, pull his neck down to meet him harder, and when Joshua first slipped his tongue past Jihoon's teeth, he made the most beautiful, alluring moan Joshua had ever heard. 

The best part was that Jihoon was always more than willing to let Joshua instruct him.

It began with Joshua muttering instructions. “Come closer.”

“Suck my bottom lip more.”

And then suggestions.

“Slip your tongue in if you want.”

“You can bite my lip if you’d like to.”

Sometimes, more often than not, Jihoon would end up clamouring into Joshua’s lap, arms rested on his shoulders, hands twisting into his hair as he kissed him harder, more desperate, more needily. He’d sigh into Joshua’s mouth, moan as Joshua stroked his hands over his back, and gasped when Joshua began to kiss his neck.

“More,” Jihoon whispered when Joshua dared to pull away from him.

They fell into a routine soon enough: Joshua would visit Jihoon’s studio almost every night, telling their groupmates he was working on some songs with Jihoon. None of them ever asked to hear the progress.

When Jihoon moved studios, exchanging his box for an actual room, he asked for a sofa and made ample usage of the soft, luxurious space. He would sit, one knee on either side of Joshua’s hips as Joshua looked up at him with desperate adoration, kissing him as hard, soft, more, less as he liked. He’d bite when Jihoon asked him to bite, suck when Jihoon asked him to suck and he drank in the soft, pleading sighs that would leak from him. Once, Joshua left a bright pink bruise just below the collar of his shirt, and Jihoon refused to let him kiss him for a week. By the time his punishment was served, he’d have crawled into bed with Joshua and kissed him hungrily under the covers.

Joshua felt like this was their dirty little secret. It thrilled him, enthralled him, he was an absolute slave to the will of this man who wished to use him however he liked. He knew this was going to ruin them; soon enough the banks of the river would burst and they'd be flooded to the place of no return but Joshua didn’t care. He toed the line, again and again, drawing out those deliciously weak sounds Jihoon would make every time he kissed him in the right places. He knew they could never go back to anything they were before this and worst of all, Joshua knew he didn’t give a fuck about that at all.

*

Joshua knew the point of no return has been reached when Jihoon didn’t stop kissing him when he was so hard it strained through his shorts.

Of course, this had happened before -- neither of them was immune to their passions, their heat was felt in their core like this before. But they’d always stop once it got too much, always surrendered themselves to rationality and ended things before they became irreversible.

Joshua knew this was irreversible. 

Jihoon had reached a hand down and grasped his bulge. Joshua’s head dropped back with a groan and he choked out the name of his conqueror.

“Sorry,” Jihoon muttered, sounding entirely unconvincing as he kissed his way around Joshua's neck. “Is that okay?”

“Fuck, you know that it’s okay.” 

He never wanted it to stop, but he screeched everything to a holt when he placed a hand on top of Jihoon’s and gently tugged up Jihoon’s chin to make him look at him. No words passed between then, just a longing, desperate glance. They didn’t need the words to confirm what they wanted to do, the dangerous glimmer in Jihoon’s eyes speaking enough for him. Joshua wet his lips then and moved both his hands to Jihoon’s waist and promptly pulled him up his lap to make them grind together with a moan.

Jihoon hummed into Joshua’s mouth as he began to rut his hips up, pulling him down in equal measure to make sure the friction was just right for both of them. If they were going there, Joshua wanted to make this the most exceptional experience for Jihoon, knowing full well it was his first. Joshua had been here before, different boys on top and underneath him. If he’s learned anything from growing up in Los Angeles is that he knew how to hit all the best spots.

They kissed some more like that, grinding, hands under shirts, curved around Jihoon’s ass, feeling one another before Joshua patted Jihoon’s hip to make him move. He sat to the left, on his knees on the sofa, with his shorts pulled taut around his thighs. Joshua wanted to devour him right there, leave no inch of his body unloved, but stood against his desire and asked.

“Do you have anything here? Like, lube? Condoms?”

Jihoon shook his head, and Joshua saw his shoulders deflate a little before they returned to their rigour when Joshua went fishing through his bag. As much as he wished he could make up some mature excuse for why he had a spare bottle in his bag, it was the industry's best-kept secret that lube prevented chafing against certain leather stage outfits.

“I don’t have condoms,” he admitted. “If you don’t want to do this without them, that’s okay. I haven’t done this in a while, so the chance of me having something--”

“You talk a lot, you know that?” 

Jihoon was watching him carefully, readjusting the clothing around his groin. Joshua couldn’t help but stare at the sizeable bulge and bit his lip. 

Jihoon spoke first. “I’m okay with no condom. Just come here and get me naked.”

Joshua’s knees felt weak as he knelt over Jihoon on the sofa, one knee perched while the one-foot balanced him on the floor. He didn’t wait for a second invitation, lifting Jihoon’s shirt and hoodie off in one go. He’d seen Jihoon shirtless before -- he’d seen him almost naked before, as was natural when you share a bathroom for several years -- but in the dim light of his studio, his body looked sculpted out of his dreams curated perfectly for his tastes. He was toned slightly, smooth and barely blemished aside from the flush of red over his chest.

“Good fucking god,” Joshua muttered as he practically dived into Jihoon then, pressing his body gently down against the plush cushions. “I want to fucking devour you.” He noticed then, as his thigh pressed to Jihoon’s bulge, there was a small circle of pre-cum leaking through it. 

Joshua kept Jihoon’s wrists held tight, pressed to either side of him as he traced his kisses down Jihoon’s chest and over his nipples. He took one small bud that sat atop his defined chest into his mouth and sucked hard. Jihoon’s legs were on either side of Joshua’s hips now, and he rutted them up in pleasure, a moan stuttering past his lips as Joshua lapped at his chest, alternating between one nipple to the other. When he grazed his teeth over the risen skin, Jihoon whimpered, a desperate mewl of wanting that made the hairs on the back of Joshua’s neck stand up.

“Jihoon,” he began softly. “Louder.”

As commanded, when Joshua’s kisses reached the tent in his shorts, Jihoon began to call more. Joshua tugged down his shorts, Jihoon’s cock sat achingly unused against his stomach, and as if he’d never considered anything else, he took it into his mouth in a greedy gulp that made Jihoon almost cry out in pleasure. His hands instantly began to fist into Joshua’s hair, scrunching and tugging as Joshua’s mouth slid slowly up the length, engulfing the skin once more as he lowered it again.

Jihoon’s voice was pinched, heightened as he moaned Joshua’s name, over and over again like some wanton prayer. It spurred Joshua on more, and as he peeked up at Jihoon from his position between his thighs he moaned around his cock, watching as Jihoon twitched and twisted in pleasure. He sucked him hard and fast, then changed his pace to soft and slow the closer he thought he could bring Jihoon to his unbecoming. Not that he would ever admit it, but Joshua anticipated Jihoon wouldn’t last too long for this, remembering his own first blowjob in the back of his high-school friend's car while a pep rally raged in the school. He concentrated all his efforts on touching every vein and ridge with his tongue, lapping at the head and the fork of the frenulum. He wanted to drive Jihoon completely wild, undo him strand by strand just to piece him back together again and ruin him once more. Joshua himself was completely driven, cocooned in a selfish lust at wanting to see his hard work, his now aching jaw come to fruition in having Jihoon cry out his name in pure bliss.

Then, Jihoon’s legs went stiff. His back arched, his limbs shuddered, and he comes in frantic spurts that flooded Joshua’s mouth like a tide. Joshua kept his lips sealed around the head of Jihoon’s cock, drinking all that he can before he pulled away and sat on his knees, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. Jihoon didn't move for a moment, panting, eyebrows furrowed, and a sheen of sweat now coating his bare body. He swung an arm over his eyes then and muttered something along the lines of, “Don’t look at me,” as Joshua laughed and crawled back over to kiss him.

Jihoon kissed him back harder, with passion Joshua didn’t realise he could have mustered at the time, and relished in the way he slipped his own tongue over Joshua’s stained one. After the kiss, Joshua whispered, “Was that okay?” And Jihoon offered him a look that suggested the answer was already too obvious

*

They fucked for what felt like hours, early into the morning, burning through a bottle of lube like it was a can of Coke shared between them. At the crisp hour of five A.M, Jihoon cracked one open and offered it to Joshua.

Choosing water instead, Joshua collapsed against the back of the sofa, sweat now a permanent extension of his body, a thin throw blanket covering him up. It was as if the two of them could sense their night of bliss was coming to an end, worried any words now would disrupt the illusion that nothing existed outside of those four walls. Joshua wanted to live in this moment forever, stay wrapped up in this damp room, suffocating on the sound, the smell of Jihoon’s sex. He craved it then before it was even taken away from him. The thought of tomorrow was infuriating.

Jihoon settled next to him on the couch and they shared the moment in silence. It was fading now, the passion, the phantasm, the come down from the top of the highest, most exhilarating mountain. They had to fly to America tomorrow and be at the airport by nine. If they left now they could nap quickly and pack before leaving with the rest of their groupmates, but neither of them moved a muscle. Moving would make it real. And Joshua wanted to live in this fantasy forever.

*

Suddenly, it was like the world had turned cold.

Jihoon barely spoke to Joshua anymore. He avoided him, ducked out of rooms when he entered and left miles between them whenever they all sat as a group. Joshua wanted to carve out his heart and offer it to Jihoon on a plate; anything to make him hear the way it beat every second, uselessly for him.

He wasn’t in love with Jihoon, he was sure of that. Positively, without a doubt detached of all emotions for him. But in one fateful swoop, he’d dived into waters unknown, a close friend and companion snatched cruelly from his grasp. He’d finally found balance, a small pocket where he felt comfortable, controlled, and now Jihoon could barely look at him. He knew they’d be different after that night in his studio, but he’d never imagined this.

“I think you two need to talk it out.” 

Joshua knew Seungcheol had already tried this on Jihoon. If it had worked, he wouldn’t be coming to him with it too. Joshua set down his chopsticks and took a long breath in. 

“I know,” he began, “It’s just been difficult. It’s like he can’t even bear to be in the same room as me.”

Seungcheol listened carefully, attentively. Then he asked what Joshua had been dreading.

“What happened between you? One day you were sleeping in the same bed and the next…” He wafted his hand to Joshua, the latter's miserable demeanour the obvious indication something bad had happened.

Joshua wanted to explain everything, let his feelings spill out in front of his leader, and his friend, but felt the sore lump sit in his throat every time he tried. He refused to let his eyes water now, so he took another deep breath.

“We were… I don’t know, just messing around, I guess.” He couldn’t look at Seungcheol, an odd cloud of shame descending over him as he thought about how he might look right now: sneaking around behind everyone’s back; letting such a personal thing interrupt their group’s near-perfect working dynamic. He’d jeopardized everyone involved here if only he and Jihoon could just talk. 

It’d have been better if they never even started at all.

“We’d make out a lot, you know, just… stupid stuff and then one night a few weeks ago, we…” he swallowed. Joshua had never been ashamed of who he was, he’d never been scared of being gay, but he knew here it wasn’t the same as it was back home, where he had an accepting mother and a welcoming church no matter who he would end up with. Here, he could ruin someone else's life too. “We had sex,” he said. “Quite a few times. And now he’s just… ignoring me.”

Seungcheol somehow didn’t seem at all surprised.  Then he said, “He’s terrified.”

Joshua looked at him. He knew where that feeling came from.

“I am too.”

“I know.” Seungcheol swallowed and looked down at his food. “Jihoon isn’t good at, you know… feelings.”

Joshua scoffed. “I know.” 

“He just doesn’t know how to even breach what happened between you. He’s scared it means something more than he can handle.”

Joshua chewed the inside of his cheek. “You think I’m a lot to handle?”

Seungcheol laughed. “Of course not. But I know you care more than anyone I’ve ever met. You fold everyone’s pyjama's in the morning so they can find them later at night. You cook at least ten portions of all the food you make in case someone needs one which, by the way, is an incredibly inefficient use of our freezer. You’re not a lot to handle, but I can see how Jihoon of all people could see everything between you two being… intense. He’s never done this before, remember?”

Joshua sighed. “I remember.” 

“I agree that you two just need to talk, but I know it’s probably you who needs to breach the dam first. Jihoon’s most toxic trait is that he can very easily act like nothing ever happened.”

So, Joshua went to talk to Jihoon. Which, by the way, proved so much harder than he ever thought it would be. He cornered him clearing up after their dance practice, late in the evening. Seungcheol had rushed everyone else to dinner and told the two of them to catch up later.

Jihoon halted when he saw Joshua alone with him in the room, and tugged his earphones out, letting them clatter together over his chest. He didn’t speak, but he swallowed and shifted on his feet. He knew this was coming just as Joshua had.

Joshua didn’t even know how to start. He picked at his fingernails hidden in his hoodie pockets and chewed on his lips. “What are you listening to?” he asked, letting the first casual sentence float from his lips which ended up being entirely incorrect.

Jihoon looked down at his earbuds. 

“Uh, new demo. Did you forget something?”

Joshua looked at Jihoon sadly and began his intensely rehearsed monologue. “Yeah, actually, uhm, listen… I know you’ve been sorta weird around me recently-- just, let me finish, first. Please.” He cleared his throat as Jihoon’s words died in front of him. “And-- and, you know, I get why. I get that everything that happened between us was a little… out there and I’m sorry if I scared you, and--”

“Scared me?”

Joshua halted and looked at Jihoon, who stared at him with his eyebrows furrowed.

“Y--yeah?”

Jihoon scoffed and turned to finish clearing the room, his movements now rigid and stiff.

“Sorry,” Joshua stammered. “I--”

“You didn’t scare me, hyung,” Jihoon spat. Never had that honorific sounded so bitter, so tense. He picked up his bag off the floor and swung it over his shoulder. “Do you think I’m some innocent, naive virgin, or something?” He began to storm out of the room, but Joshua caught his arm.

“Hold on a second, you’re mad at me now?”

“Great deductive skills."

Joshua laughed incredulously.

"What, you're not gonna even listen to me."

Jihoon shook off Joshua's arm.

“I came here to apologise, Jihoon. To you, for something I don't actually really need to be apologising for. You’ve been ignoring me for weeks, remember? I’ve felt like such shit because you refused to even look at me long enough for me to figure out what’s been going on between his.” He didn’t want to raise his voice but felt the clipped words increase in volume each time he started a new sentence. “You’ve been punishing me because we -- me and you, together, decided to have sex.”

Jihoon scoffed and turned to walk away again. “Forget it.”

“I’m sorry you’re so sensitive about the whole thing--”

“Sensitive? ” Jihoon spun on his heels.

“I mean, I don’t get you at all. You won’t even talk to me! We could have talked this out but you insist on sulking around like you’re ashamed--”

“I’m not ashamed, asshole!”

“Then what is it? Did I do something wrong?”

Jihoon buried his face in his hands. “You don’t get it!”

“You’re right!” Joshua started “I don’t, because you don’t fucking talk about it!”

“I--” Jihoon groaned and threw his hands up in frustration.”Argh, do you even know what it feels like?” His gaze was hot and sharp towards Joshua, his cheeks flushed red, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “You--you walk into my life, you confuse me and--and make it so fucking hard to get anything in my head straight--”

“How the fuck is that my fault, Jihoon?” Joshua snapped. “You never tell me how you feel! You have such a high fucking wall up, all the time. I spent my first few months here worried sick if you even liked me, and then you want to make out with me all the time, and then you want me to fuck you, you don’t think I’m fucking confused either? How am I supposed to know what you want?”

“I don’t know!” Jihoon exasperates. He fiercely wiped away the hot tears that rolled over his cheeks. “I don’t fucking know, okay? You make me question everything and it’s--it’s--Argh, it's just fucking horrible!”

Joshua bit down on his lip hard. “How do you think I’ve felt, Jihoon?” His tone was tempered now, soft and approachable and he instantly wished he never shouted in the first place. “You… you made me feel so important, and special and then you just… closed up on me. You made me feel so fucking used up.”

Jihoon’s chest was heaving and his hands shook as he twisted them. “I just… I just didn’t know what to do.”

The tension settled between them. Joshua felt his blood still rushing to his ears, his heart hammering hard at his chest, the adrenaline threateningly bubbling through his veins. 

“Jihoon, whatever you were feeling, you could have just--”

“Don’t say it again, please. I don’t know how to talk about it, Jisoo. I don’t think I can do this.” 

Joshua felt suddenly grounded, thrust into gravity and forced to the hard surface below. He wet his lips and sighed.

“I just wish… at this point I wish we hadn’t done anything. If this was going to cause this big of a problem, we should have never started a thing.”

Jihoon seemed stricken by the idea. “I don’t… I don’t regret it, hyung."

Joshua let out a long breath and wandered around the room before he sank against the mirror, head in his hands. He’d never felt that angry in a long time, never been pushed to shout as loud as he just had. 

“I can only… help you so much, Jihoon,” Joshua said, not looking up. After a quiet moment, Joshua felt Jihoon slide down next to him.

“Why do you want to help me so much, though?”

Joshua felt every answer swarm his throat in a second. “Because…” I care. Because I want you. Because I need you. “Because… I don’t know.” He choked out a laugh. “I just… you matter.”

Jihoon laughed too, a sort of sad, disbelieving choke. “Yeah. You do too.”

They sat in silence for what felt like entirely too long and not long enough. 

“Hyung, can we just… forget about this?”

The words felt both like a soul-crushing defeat and a relief.

“Forget about it?” Joshua confirmed. “All of it?”

Jihoon sighed. “I mean, it’s clear this isn’t… good. Not right now, not for me, at least.”

Joshua looked at Jihoon with fondness and irrevocable despair. He nodded.

“Yeah. Forgetting sounds best.” They both looked ahead and let out long, relaxing breaths.

“Did you really not think I liked you?”

Joshua smiled. “You’re really hard to read sometimes.”

Jihoon returned the look. “Start again?” He held out his hands and Joshua eyed it before taking it in his. His heart skipped too many beats at the feeling of his rough, musicians hands against his own.

“Start again.”

*

Everything was fine, of course, until it wasn’t.

Jihoon was drunk-- not, really, though; tipsy, maybe, at most-- and had pressed Joshua against the wall. Joshua was definitely tipsy at this point and couldn’t help but laugh as Jihoon, with the slight disadvantage of his frame, used his body to pin Joshua in.

“You’re driving me fucking crazy, you know that?” Jihoon muttered. He grabbed Joshua’s shirt and crushed their mouths together in a red hot, blazing kiss. The taste of soju on the mouth he missed so much made Joshua want to melt into Jihoon, keep him wrapped up in the warmth of his body and devour him whole. “So fucking unfair.”

Joshua chuckled as Jihoon kissed around his neck, pushing himself up to his tip-toes. “Someone’s got a very dirty mouth, hasn’t he?”

“Shut up,” Jihoon hissed.

“Make me,” Joshua dared. Then Jihoon had his hand cupped around the crotch of Joshua's jeans.

Joshua’s head rolled back and he moaned with no inhibition. If he were in his right mind, he’d grab Jihoon by the wrists, insist with the weakest conviction that they agreed this couldn’t happen between them anymore, but with the alcohol coursing through his veins, he couldn’t even bring himself to quieten his moans. “Oh, god, I knew you would.” 

Without warning, Jihoon’s fingers began to untangle the belt looped around Joshua’s waist, and tearing open the buttons he drove his hand beneath the waistband of his boxers. Joshua choked on his groan and stroked his hand over Jihoon’s forearms, pulling him impossibly closer. 

“Jihoon, let's go somewhere m-more private,” he whispered, but Jihoon shook his head.

“I want you now,” he demanded and pulled out Joshua’s length to stroke softly.

 Joshua shuddered and muttered Jihoon’s name with his devastatingly lonely lips. He grasped Jihoon by his jaw with both hands and kissed him roughly, teeth clattering, tongues sliding together in a sadistic dance of salaciousness. He bit Jihoon’s lip in an attempt to pull those delicious noises out of him again and again, the way he so easily could before. Jihoon grunted and in vengeance, grasped Joshua’s cock harder, tugging faster, causing Joshua’s knees to nearly buckle. He pulled away from their kiss, fell against the wall and tugged his fingers through his own hair.

“Fuck, Jihoon, just like that,” he moaned. “A little harder… fuck, yes.” He was breathless, dizzy, and desperately needing to come. He wanted Jihoon so badly, wanted him underneath him, on top of him, splayed out ready for him, begging for him… He’d take whatever crumb Jihoon deigned to offer him, he’d devour every last scrap. 

Jihoon sank to his knees and Joshua thought he could let it all go right away.

The feeling of Jihoon’s mouth around him was warm, wet, and insatiable. His constitution was already dangerously low, but he twisted his fist into his hair every time he even considered himself close to coming, desperate to savour every single second Jihoon was willing to stay on his knees for him.

“Hyung,” Jihoon whispered, lifting his lips off him for a moment. He sounded so soft, so gentle, so pliant and Joshua wanted to collapse. “Look at me.”

Joshua could never say no to his voice like that, alluring, like a siren ready to drag him to the depths. He opened his eyes and looked down at Jihoon, who refused to break his gaze as he took Joshua back into his mouth whole. He choked and gagged and pulled away again with a line of saliva connecting his lips to Joshua’s head. Joshua whimpered pathetically as he laced his fingers into Jihoon’s hair and urged him closer, knowing he couldn’t hold himself any longer. He craved the feeling of his cock heavy on Jihoon’s tongue, the way Jihoon sucked harder as Joshua twitched against his the back of his throat. Unable to control it any longer, Joshua gasped, threw his head back and choked out Jihoon’s name as he came, every drop being drunk desperately by Jihoon on his knees for him. 

He clattered back against the wall and shuddered out a breath. “Fuck,” he cursed. “Fucking Christ. ” Barely thinking, he touched his forehead, chest and either shoulder before he sank down the wall coming eye level to a still kneeling Jihoon.

Their ragged breaths filled the room for a few moments before Joshua sighed, tucked himself back into his jeans and said, “I really needed that.”

Jihoon considered Joshua for a moment, eyes bleary behind a cloud of intoxication before he dove in to kiss him.

*

They chose to never define it, because, well, they never had to.

Joshua knew their groupmates knew what was going on, but no one asked. Everyone was comfortable just knowing that no questions were needed at all.

It was summer and Los Angeles woke with a hue of pink and yellow, a cloud of heat seeping in to suffocate after the air conditioning shut off in the early hours of the morning. 

Jihoon lay next to Joshua, tucked under his arm as Joshua stroked his finger over Jihoon’s shoulder. Jihoon played some shooter game on his phone and Joshua found himself entirely content to watch his fingers dance over the screen. He was bathed in the light of the morning, a muggy, city-scented breeze wafting in from the open window. Sirens blared in the distance, horns and dogs barking along the street. In this moment, Jihoon looked near angelic, a perfectly sculpted being sent to comfort Joshua in his loneliest nights, his coldest mornings. He brought the sun with him wherever he went and washed the room in warmth and comfort. Joshua felt like he was the luckiest, most cursed man alive.

“What should we do today?” he asked. 

Jihoon grunted in response, arms twitching as he collected points on his game.

“We could head to Beverly Hills, if you’d like,” Joshua suggested. “Do some shopping?”

Jihoon’s health dropped to near critical and he cursed and threw his phone onto the pillow beside him. “Do we have to do anything?” he sighed, rolling to his side to face Joshua. “Can’t we stay in bed?”

“We’re on vacation, we should at least get out and do something. ” Joshua tutted as Jihoon just barely made his lips into a pout. “We can’t be lazy all the time.”

“But I just wanna rest.” Jihoon curved his hand around Joshua’s waist, thumbing his hip bone that jutted out. “With you.”

“We have a whole week to just rest,” Joshua chuckled and started his exodus from the warm bed next to his lover. “Come on, we can go find somewhere nice for a brunch.”

He didn’t miss the way Jihoon watched him as he stood, eyes taking in every inch of his sun-kissed skin, toned chest and arms and legs. He stretched, arms above his head, showing off the way his lean body could flex, create dips and curves and ridges for all the exploration Jihoon wished. He felt Jihoon’s fingers come to dance along his skin and he smiled as he felt his lips press over his hips. 

“Don’t get up just yet,” Jihoon begged. “Just stay with me for five more minutes.” He took both of Joshua’s hands in his and began to pull him back to the mattress. Around them, the house began to stir with activity, voices of their groupmates leaking in from the walls, the hubbub of breakfast being served down the corridor.

“Not even willing to get up for some breakfast?” Joshua chided, then tutted. “Who are you and what have you done with Jihoon?”

Jihoon smiled, a closed-lipped grin with his dimples pressing hard into his cheeks and Joshua began to crawl back over him. 

“I was just hoping to take advantage of eating something in bed this morning.”

Joshua spluttered out a laugh. “Okay, just leave the dirty talking to me in future.”

In response, Jihoon tugged Joshua over, tossing him onto the cold pillows on the right side of the bed, swiftly straddling him and pinning his arms against the headboard. 

“I don’t think I’m leaving anything to you right now,” he said and Joshua smiled against the press of Jihoon’s lips against his. 

“So, your idea of this vacation is to stay in bed and fuck all day?” 

“And catch up on Dynasty.”

“Dynasty, of course.”

Joshua moaned as Jihoon kissed down his chest, stopping to tease the buds of his nipples with brief laps of his tongue before he shifted forward ever so slightly, rutting himself against Joshua’s hips and watching as Joshua’s face twitched in pleasure.

“Will you at least let me touch you?” Joshua asked.

Jihoon obliged and released his wrists, hands resting on Joshua’s chest as the latter slid his own hands up Jihoon’s torso, sitting up an inch to be able to stroke his hands over Jihoon’s back, his hips and neck. He hummed, biting his lip to stop the flood of sickeningly sweet compliments from forming on his lips. He wanted Jihoon to know how devastatingly perfect he looked like this, on top of him, body laid out for him to touch, his skin soft and muscles strong. He wanted Jihoon to know just how much he felt like the luckiest man on earth to have Jihoon lie next to him, tease him, fuck him, let him stroke his hands through his hair, but Joshua knew really Jihoon wasn’t his. He never could be. This is all they ever could be.

Joshua thought a lot about Jihoon, a lot about them. Jihoon was perfectly in reach, whenever he needed him, perfectly there, ready waiting. They shared so much of one another together, gave pieces of one another up and took what the other offered, devoured it whole and used it to offer more. Joshua thought a lot about what Jihoon could do to him, how he owned every piece of Joshua’s will, his body, his power, and how he would never even know the depths of what Joshua felt for him. Joshua didn’t even know himself how deeply he craved Jihoon. Every day was torture, a sick punishment, a test, a trial. He questioned everything he knew, everything he’d ever know, turned his faith over in his head, searching for some salvation from this prison of passion that Jihoon had trapped him in, but he knew there would never be an escape. For as long as Joshua lived he’d want Jihoon, he’d want him in every way he could have him. And Jihoon could never know.

Jihoon communicated what he wanted without words. He never needed words -- Joshua read him like a scripture containing all the secrets he could ever wish to know. He never needed words, but sometimes, Joshua liked to ask for them.

“Is there something you want, baby?” 

Only like this, alone, cocooned in a safety net of sexual desire, did Jihoon allow that type of name. Joshua relished every time he got to utter something so sweet. 

Jihoon groaned, rolled his head back and sighed as Joshua’s hand stroked him painfully slow.

“Please,” he uttered, shoulders rolling as Joshua stroked one finger down Jihoon’s back, drafting circles around the base of his spine. By now, he’d mapped out Jihoon’s body entirely, the topography of his skin a permanent print in his mind. He knew every point, every crevice, every nook that drove Jihoon crazy. “Don’t tease me,” he exasperated. “I’m so fucking desperate.”

“For what?” Joshua wanted to drag him out, stretch him thin and wear him out. “I don’t deal in riddles.”

Jihoon’s hand suddenly came to grasp Joshua’s throat. He wouldn’t squeeze, Joshua knew that. He was only trying to display his dominance, threatening Joshua with something he wanted all too much.

“Shua,” Jihoon whined, Joshua, relishing in that needy, submissive sound. He kissed him hard, passion seeping into his movements as he rubbed his body hard against Joshua’s. “Fuck me, please.”

Joshua reached a hand over to the nightstand, their bottle of lubricant there from the night before, and slicked his fingers with it. It wasn’t hard to loosen Jihoon, but Joshua sunk his fingers in any way, hungry for the way that Jihoon pressed his body down on them in desperation.

“Fuck,” he moaned, squeezing his eyes shut as Joshua curled his fingers inside him, his free hand still stroking his cock. “Hm, more.”

“More?” Joshua urged and Jihoon nodded, almost frantically as Joshua quickly reapplied some lubricant and slid three fingers into him.

Jihoon began to ride against the rhythm that Joshua paced for him, chewing his lip and watching Joshua with pleading eyes.

“Is that enough for you?” Joshua asked, knowing the answer before Jihoon even stammered it.

“No, never,” Jihoon shuddered. “Fuck, fuck me now, please.” 

Joshua applied some lube to himself and slid his fingers from curled inside Jihoon, bracing both his hands on Jihoon’s hips. Jihoon reached a hand around and gently like he was scared to breach it, guided the tip of Joshua’s cock inside him. He whined, whimpered, let out every desperate, weak sound he could and clawed his hands against Joshua’s chest. Joshua bit back a groan, eyes boring into Jihoon’s as he slowly pushed Jihoon onto him. No matter how many times he felt it, Joshua would never tire of the tightness, the subliminal heat that Jihoon spread over him, the feeling of being suffocated inside Jihoon, every pulse, breath and inch so achingly felt.

“God, ” Jihoon mewled. “God, Josh,” he cried and Joshua couldn’t hold his whimper as Jihoon settled fully on his length.

“Jihoon,” he muttered as Jihoon began to work himself over Joshua’s cock, hips pressing up and down. Joshua rolled his head back and groaned, sensitive to the tightness of Jihoon and his full weight on top of him. He began to guide him, a hand pressing against his abdomen, rolling his hips up to meet the downward roll of Jihoon. They moaned together, falling seamlessly into their perfect rhythm, grasping at one another until they grew tired of that song and switched.

Joshua rolled Jihoon over, holding him close to place him against the pillows as he tucked his legs around his waist. One hand on Jihoon’s thigh, he pressed his body into Jihoon hard, sinking deeper and deeper at the new angle. He pulled out and pressed himself back in again, slowly at first, but the easier it became, the more Jihoon showed his approval, Joshua picked up his pace, rolling his hips back and forth until it became a thrust. 

“Faster, Jisoo,” Jihoon moaned, head pressed back into the pillows, hands scrambling to find some hook, fisting the bedsheets. 

Joshua complied, stifling his own moans, hiking up Jihoon’s legs to angle his hips between and hearing the bed rock with his body pounding into Jihoon’s. 

“Fuck, yes, yes! ” Jihoon cried, slapping a hand over his mouth as Joshua buried his face in his neck, muffling his own curses, the sound of their skin colliding filling the room. “More,” he begged, “faster,” he crooned and when he gasped and dragged his nails down Joshua’s spine, Joshua knew he had him exactly where he wanted him. He could tease him out, stop and reduce Jihoon to a pile of begging rubble, inflate his ego, make Jihoon his, but he kept going, stuttering his rhythm once or twice to grip Jihoon somewhere new, or move his head to whisper in his ear.

“God, Jihoon,” he moaned. “Cum for me,”

Jihoon whined at the sound of Joshua’s command, muttering senseless affirmations over and over again until Joshua repeated it.

“Cum for me.”

He threw his head back, crowned out Joshua’s name once more and cried as he painted the two of them, slick with white. He went limp in Joshua’s arms but his body still responded to the continued passion of Joshua’s thrusts, who sat then on his knees and pulled Jihoon’s hips down on himself harder. 

“Fuck, Jihoon, I’m gonna cum,” he cursed over and over again, his body losing all constitution as he tipped into the storm of Jihoon’s orgasm, and filled him with his spill.

The two lay in blissed-out silence for a moment, panting, bodies recovering from the ache of their passion. Outside of their bedroom, a voice cleared their throat, and Mingyu sheepishly piped up.

“If either of you wanted cereal, we only have Cap’n’Crunch left, so… sorry.”

Jihoon curled into Joshua’s side again, like they were before, and cackled so loudly that Joshua felt it reverberate deep in his chest. They heard Mingyu shuffle down the corridor as Jihoon sat up, finally, and stretched. 

“Cap’n’Crunch sounds great right about now,” he said, throwing off the dampened blanket and using Joshua’s sleep joggers to wipe himself down.

Joshua’s eyes followed him as he padded around the room, fished out a pair of loose shorts to slip onto his legs and hesitate over a comfy t-shirt before deciding on Joshua’s dress shirt from the night before. He pulled it over his back, buttoned it up and turned to Joshua, who watched him drowning in the fabric, relishing in the idea of being able to smell Jihoon on him later.

“Coming?” Jihoon asked, tucking his feet into a pair of sliders and heading towards the door.

Joshua swallowed the thick salvia that had become stuck in his throat, and nodded, clearing his throat. 

“Sure, I’ll be right there.” 

Jihoon gave him a warm, closed-lipped smile, his eyes sinking into his cheeks and left and Joshua sat still, heart still trying to escape from his chest, coming to terms with the fact he was madly, stupidly, irrevocably in love with Jihoon.

*

now.

Joshua met Jihoon backstage and Joshua attempted to plaster the brightest smile he could manage. 

“Hey!” he greeted, accepting the incoming hug. “You sounded great."

Joshua figured one day he’d realise who his soulmate was. He was only twenty-something, he was sure he’d have ample time before he’d have to make the choice to settle down with the person he was meant to be with. Now was the worst, most egregious time possible for this to happen.

Jihoon looked up at him with his heart-stopping eyes. The pride in them began to wither, and falter slightly as he took a step back from Joshua. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Has something happened?”

Joshua cursed himself for the inability to control his own emotions. He didn’t want to do this now. He’d rather do anything than this right now, but he sighed. 

“No, no, nothing bad, I just…” Had Jihoon realised it too? Did he feel that soul-crushing need for Joshua the way that he had for Jihoon? “I think, I realised something.”

Jihoon began to take off his performance clothes, collecting his earphones and microphone pack in a pile on the coffee table. “Oh, yeah? What’s that?”

Joshua scratched the back of his neck. “Well… maybe now isn’t a great time, let’s talk later.”

Jihoon eyed him, almost suspiciously, apprehensively, mostly. “We can talk now. What’s wrong, hyung?”

Joshua’s shoulders dropped and he fumbled around his words. “I--Jihoon, I don’t really know how to say this but… I think we’re, like… soulmates.”

There was silence. A long, suffocating silence where Jihoon considered Joshua very, very carefully. Then, he began to laugh.

Joshua felt the earth shift beneath him, one swift, irreconcilable shift. 

This was it for him.

“What, us? Me and you?”

Joshua couldn’t help but feel the tension in his neck rise with the embarrassment. “I mean…” he lifted his hands on either side of him in a listless gesture. “I just… fuck, I mean… I felt something. Then, when you were on stage, I don’t know… like everything had suddenly become clear--”

“Shua, we can’t be soulmates.”

Joshua’s heart began to pound again. He swore a panic attack, or a heart attack or any fucking attack was coming. He wanted to leave, run away and never mention this ever again. He didn't want this now, he didn't want anything to change. He couldn't live past this if anything could change

“I mean… I know--”

“No, no. Like, we can’t be, we’re not in love or anything like that.” Jihoon turned away from him, cleared his throat and began organising his belongings in his bag. Joshua knew he was fiddling with things to avoid looking at him. He felt his throat run dry.

“I know that,” he said quietly. “But… I mean, I felt something--”

“Well, you’ve got to be wrong or something.”

Joshua couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His heart was in Jihoon's hand, and he was stabbing it over and over again with a knife.

“Wrong?”

“Yeah, I mean,” Jihoon turned to look at him, shrugging. “I didn’t feel anything. Aren’t we both supposed to know? He ducked behind a changing screen to strip off the rest of his clothes, remerging a moment later in casual jeans and tee.

“I don’t know how this works, Jihoon,” Joshua said. The hurt in his voice was obvious, noticing how Jihoon almost flinched at the tone.

“Why are you so sure, then?”

“I’m not--” Joshua stopped himself from raising his voice, closing his eyes for a second and taking a deep breath. “I was just… I don’t know, letting you know, I guess. I thought I would let you know that I-I came to this conclusion, since, in case you forgot, for the majority of our lives we’ve been regularly sleeping together. Not that that would have anything to do with it, apparently.”

“I don’t see how it does,” Jihoon spat back. “I don’t love you, you don’t love me, so we’re having sex, that means we can’t be goddamn soulmates, alright?”

He was doing this on purpose, Joshua knew. He was hiding, shielding himself from the fear that Joshua felt too. Joshua wanted to scream at him, beg him to just consider not running from this, just like he had before, but he couldn't formulate any words that came from his muddled, pounding head.

“Stop trying to tell me how I feel--”

“Oh, did you realise it doesn’t feel great to have someone dictate your feelings to you? Shocking.”

Joshua didn’t stop the eye roll and the incredulous laugh that came from his throat. “Jesus Christ, okay, sure whatever, you can keep giving yourself these little steps so you feel like you have the higher ground over something that happened years ago--”

“I doesn’t matter how long ago it was, Jisoo, you know that was shitty--”

“And I apologised! Why are you bringing this up now? You’re deflecting from this and I’m sorry I dropped this on you but I figured this was pretty important to share.”

“Well, it doesn’t even matter, we can’t be soulmates, okay?”

"So you've said!"

"Great, so that's settled." Jihoon shook his head. "We knew this couldn't happen, Joshua, we agreed, it's not my fault you decided to back out on that and get feelings."

“I get --Alright, you know what?" Joshua, in a flurry of hurt, snatched up his coat from the coffee table. "This is bullshit, Jihoon. You can pretend all you like, but don’t even try and fucking tell me you don’t feel even a fraction of this between us. I don’t give a shit about what we agreed ages ago, I know that you aren’t that fucking heartless that you can’t see how we got here.”

“What ‘we’?” Jihoon shouted at him now, his face tinted pink, voice quivering slightly. “There isn’t a ‘we’ Joshua, there never was.”

Joshua halted, and stared at him.

“Don’t say shit like that,” he said, voice cracking right down the middle like it was struck with lightning. “Please.”

“I don’t know what you want from me!” Jihoon continued. “We can’t be soulmates, okay? It just isn’t going to work like that. What, did you expect me to run and jump into your arms and confess my love for you? Did you want us to run away together and live out a life on a fucking beachfront or something? You knew that this was just a thing for us, something when we’re bored, stressed, whatever outlet it was for you! We weren’t anything more, not in a long time. I’m sorry you couldn’t handle that."

Joshua couldn’t muster the strength to cry, though his voice was hoarse and his lip almost quivering

“You don’t mean that.”

“In your own words, don’t tell me how to feel.”

The silence between them was burning, searing the tie that tethered them together. After a long moment, Joshua swallowed and then turned towards the door. Before he left, he looked back at Jihoon, heart shredding with every second he lingered. 

“Of course, I’m in love with you,” he said quietly. “How could I not be.” He chewed his lip and took a long shaky breath in. “I’m sorry.” 

He left.

* 

When the group announced their disbandment a year later, they held a farewell concert which sold out three consecutive nights. After that, Joshua packed his life in Korea into seven boxes.

Their goodbyes were tearful. In some ways, it felt like their world was ending, a terrifying vacuum of the unknown ahead of them. In hindsight, they were all so young. They knew they'd be fine.

Joshua hugged Jihoon last. It was short, tense, and left Joshua feeling cold. 

"I'll see you around," he said.

"Yeah. Have a safe flight."

He moved back to America and began his solo career within a handful of months, creating single after single, album after album, never stopping. He knew that if he stopped, he'd realise how much he craved that small piece of him that was always missing.

He dated. A lot. His boyfriends came and went: actors, producers, fellow singers, he even gave the barista from the coffee hut a short walk from his house a go, but he ended up selling stories for money. Nothing ever stuck, but, then again, how could anything ever stick? He already knew who he belonged.

His third album went multiplatinum, and his songs about love and heartbreak were performed in thirty-eight different countries. His ex-bandmates got married, had children, and collaborated on his music with him, but Joshua always dreamt of Jihoon coming back to him. He’d never tell anyone the number of songs he’d written in Jihoon’s name.

He’d been tipped off as a high achiever for the next Grammy’s and somewhere down the pipeline, he heard he was up for the next Bond single. For some time, he forgot about Jihoon, but he knew it was never long before he’d remember. 

“Ellen wants you again,” his manager said.

“Ellen makes me want to be homophobic,” he replied.

She laughed and Joshua sipped his cappuccino. He lived in a small mansion in Malibu and woke up every morning to the ocean. He never lived that beachy California lifestyle before and now realised why Malibu had such a high real-estate price compared to Downtown.

“Politely decline for me. I’m too busy rehearsing for the tour.”

“You’re not going on tour yet.”

“Exactly.”

Joshua lay the newspaper down and sighed. 

“I should throw an after Grammy’s party or something.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, only if I win something though. It’d be kinda embarrassing if I threw a party with no Grammy trophy to throw into the pool.”

“Symbolic.”

Joshua lay down on his extortionately expensive couch and thought about it. “Yeah, fuck it. Let’s do it.”

“I’ll call the party planner.” His manager sat up from the kitchen island and Joshua stared at the ocean for much longer than he meant to.

*

He won three Grammys. In his acceptance speech he thanks God, his mom, his dogs and the guys who got him half the way. A sadistic part of him hoped Jihoon saw him.

Two of his trophies ended up buried on the beach and one somehow ended up in pieces scattered in places such as the punch bowl, the ceiling fan and the toilet. Symbolic indeed.

He spotted Hansol coming through the door just before midnight, the after-party just getting into the swing. He hugged him tightly, for far too long and, with more passion than he could usually muster, let him know how happy he was that he came. He lived only an hour’s drive away in the Valley, but they didn’t see each other nearly enough.

“I brought someone.”

"I hope it's a model."

The buzz, the music, the drug and alcohol-induced party around him slowed to a stop and faded out into oblivion. Behind Hansol, stood Jihoon.

“Hi.”

He was dressed smartly, sharply, like he always used to when the occasion required a suit. His hair was different, but of course, it would have been. It’d been so long.

Joshua thought about calling him so many times since he left Korea. Things weren’t ever really the same for them after everything that happened, but Joshua never stopped hoping that one-day Jihoon would be standing in front of him again being who he always was. He didn’t expect Jihoon to be exactly the same boy he’d fallen in love with, but standing in front of him now, he looked just as wonderful as the day they met.

“Hi.”

Jihoon stepped toward him and without thinking Joshua enveloped him in a hug. He smelt the same, the same clean, fresh scent with a sharp undertone of something sickly sweet.

“Thank you for coming,” Joshua said. “It…It’s so great you’re here-- How long have you been in L.A?” 

“A couple of days,” Hansol said. “He came to visit about some work in my label, and I know it’s been a while since you two saw each other.” He stopped talking when he noticed Joshua and Jihoon hadn’t taken their eyes off one another. “Cool, I’m going to grab a drink. Josh, you still got that 2008 Domaine Arnoux around here somewhere?”

“Basement. But I can’t guarantee it's not been used as a baseball bat by now.”

Jihoon looked around as Joshua scrambled to find the words to say something. 

“Uh, can I take your coat?”

He wasn’t even wearing one.

“I’m not wearing one.”

Good going, dumbass.

“Of course. Let me show you--”

“Can we go somewhere quiet? To talk?”

Joshua swallowed hard.

“Sure.” He gestured behind him. “Let's go upstairs. The balcony should be quieter at least.”

As Jihoon walked by him, Joshua grabbed a discarded flute of Champagne off the hallway table and downed it in one.

Jihoon took a deep breath in when he stepped into the cool air out on the balcony. The sea always reminded him of home, no matter which ocean they stood at.

“Sorry for gate crashing,” Jihoon began. 

“No, no, of course not.” Joshua slid the balcony doors closed, sealing the music inside so it only bled to them from the open patio doors below. The bass of the song vibrated the floors and the glass bannister Joshua then leaned against. “If I’d known you were here, I definitely would’ve extended the invite.”

“Sorry for not saying, I just…” Jihoon looked up at the stars. 

“You really don’t have to, I… I get it.”

Joshua had rehearsed this moment in his mind for years, in every conceivable way it could happen. More often than not, it began with Joshua buying a plane ticket to Korea and ended with sweeping Jihoon off his feet.

Jihoon looked at him then, with eyes as big and brown as they always had been. “You do?”

Joshua laughed a little. “Well, I mean… I guess I can begin to get it.” He turned to face the ocean the same way Jihoon did. “I don’t think I’d talk to me either.”

Jihoon smiled sadly. 

“I’m really sorry--”

“God, just please stop apologising, okay?”

“No, I'm pretty sure I need to, I-I was such a fucking asshole, I mean…” Jihoon groaned and rubbed his hands over his face. “God, how could you even bear to look at me after everything I said?”

Joshua shrugged. “I guess… looking at you at all was better than any alternative.”

Jihoon looked at him, eyes sad, desperate. “You were… too good for me back then.”

“And I’m awful for you now, huh?”

Jihoon choked out a laugh. “Always.”

“I don’t believe that’s true.” Joshua leaned in closer to Jihoon, the sea breeze whipping up a chill despite the warmth of the evening.

“I’m sorry, Joshua,” Jihoon said. “And I know that’s not going to change much right now and I know I have a lot of making up to do to you and you obviously have a lot of healing to do because of how horrible I treated you,” he rambled. “I don’t want to make excuses for myself, but if I could just try and explain where I was coming from, I--”

“You talk a lot, you know that?” 

Jihoon blinked at him.

“What?”

"You." Joshua angled his head, so close to Jihoon now that he could see his eyelashes fawn over his eyes and rustle in the wind. "You talk a significant amount more than you should."

He took Jihoon’s face in his hands and kissed him hard. It was like the last years of his life had been a daze and suddenly he had rubbed his eyes to clear sight again. Jihoon was in his arms, here, and he was kissing him. The pain, the heartache of his life slowly, surely began to heal.

Stunned, it took Jihoon a moment before he reacted, wrapping his arms around Joshua’s shoulders and kissing him back harder.

"I'm... serious," Jihoon said, words broken by the press of Joshua's lips. "Please. Don't be easy on me. I deserve punishment."

"Hell yeah, you do."

Jihoon thumped Joshua on the chest. "You can't forgive me this easily."

Joshua groaned. "Please, for the love of God, stop telling me how I should feel."

He leaned down and kissed Jihoon again, his time slower, using his tongue to remember the deepest part of Jihoon that he'd dared to forget over the years. He tasted the same, he kissed the same, if not better, still taking his time to relish the feeling of his body pressed against his. Jihoon eagerly found his tongue dancing with Joshua's whimpering as Joshua's hands found respite against his hips, around his lower back.

“I missed you,” Joshua whispered against Jihoon’s lips. “So much. Every day was torture, you know that?”

“I promise, I’ll never do that again. I’m not scared of that now, I promise you.”

Joshua smiled. “I don’t want a promise, I just want you.”

Jihoon found his tip-toes and launched himself up, wrapping his legs around Joshua’s waist as he muttered.

“Have me.” And kissed him with a ferocity Joshua had preserved so perfectly in his dreams.

And have him, Joshua did. 

Joshua remembered his body so easily, so perfectly, like he'd studied for years to pass this test. He made Jihoon his over and over again until the sun rose high above them, and again until it disappeared again. And then, the contractual agreement meant Joshua had to appear on The Late Show so he took Jihoon with him to fuck him in his dressing room.

When they returned back to bed, Joshua felt his back being stroked, bathed in the light of the moon through the sunroof.

"I'm sorry I didn't realise it sooner."

"Hm?" Joshua answered. He was tired, so tired, so close to falling asleep, the most peaceful sleep he's felt in years. 

"That we were soulmates."

At that, Joshua found the strength to pick up his head and look at Jihoon. He wanted the most romantic, poised, bewitching response to come from his throat, but all he did was smile and say.

"Told you so." 

Jihoon pinched his back and sat on top of him, burying his face into his neck and curling up into a ball.

Joshua wrapped his arms around him and finally felt like he was home.

*

A model had done a makeshift photoshoot at Joshua Hong’s infamous Grammy’s after-party that year, of which in the background he could be seen escaping upstairs with his former bandmate, where they disappeared for the rest of the night. A week later their, names were tagged onto every tabloid, Twitter was awash with speculations on how long they’d been dating, and Joshua’s manager was sending him thirteen texts an hour, most of them asking if he would reconsider Ellen.

A keeper of his word, Joshua didn't let Jihoon off easy. He made him wait a whole six months before he married him on a beach in Itay, with their pet dogs as witnesses. Jihoon produced Joshua's next three albums. His Grammy ended up being the chug-cup for the Seventeen reunion tour after party. Along the lines, Joshua became notorious for his after-parties.

Joshua woke up to the ocean every morning and now he woke up with the sun shining too.