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Wei Ying was going on another date. 

It was the second of the week and Lan Zhan tried not to think about it. 

Two years post grad, they had moved into their own apartments after rooming together for practically all of their college careers (Lan Zhan focused on Music Theory and Composition, his specialty in the cello but not limited to. Wei Ying focused on Graphic design but also loved Illustration). There was only one small hiccup their first semester of their first year but Wei Ying cried to their schools housing director and they got switched to the same room.

It was no matter, they spent all of their time together anyway.

Well.

When Wei Ying wasn’t off wooing someone. 

Lan Zhan tried to not let it affect him, he really did. Wei Ying had always been like this, seeking affection and being flippant with relationships, if you could call them something as serious as a “relationship”. 

So their routine fell into something of a rhythm. Wei Ying flitting away on his dates (always coming back to Lan Zhan’s place after to recount everything that happened, the good the bad the filthy), tending to their jobs and responsibilities. Their spare time was always spent together, altering between their apartments although Lan Zhan’s was the favored. Wei Ying whined that Lan Zhan’s was more comfortable, but Lan Zhan liked the charm of Wei Ying’s.

Today was one of Wei Ying’s designated date days, Friday evening. It was one of his more serious days, a Saturday evening date his second most serious. Not a Wednesday or Thursday, which were more casual. Definitely more so than a Monday (he saved Mondays for dates that were more suitable for hookup situations, like earlier this week with the same man). On Sundays, however, he always spent the day with Lan Zhan, so no dates ever landed there. 

Sundays had quickly become Lan Zhan’s favorite day of the week, unrelated of course. 

Lan Zhan couldn’t help the tug of jealousy in his chest as he sat in his too big, too empty apartment. The tea he had been drinking cooled. Mind wandering and not fully paying attention when he brewed it, the amber liquid was bitter with negligence. Through the course of their friendship, Lan Zhan had come to accept that Wei Ying wasn’t going to love him in the same way he loved Wei Ying. He had hoped, sure, but he wasn’t that naïve. 

When they were in high school Lan Zhan had hoped that it was because Wei Ying hadn’t figured out his sexuality yet, only ever dating girls. But the comments about the attractiveness of men, of Lan Zhan, were always covered in the veil of Wei Ying being friendly. The two of them ended up going to college together, where Wei Ying did finally discover that he was queer and really liked men. There was a little hope there again, but none of those dates bled over to Lan Zhan. No, Lan Zhan sat and watched as Wei Ying would fawn over his newest interest, whoever they may be. Wei Ying’s heart was too big for his own good. He fell for people quick and hard, but it was rare that they treated that affection with the same in turn. Still, Wei Ying would tease Lan Zhan, push and prod him to go on dates. 

One time, Lan Zhan did actually accept to go on a blind, double date with Wei Ying. It was a mistake. He watched first hand as Wei Ying poured over some nameless man (Lan Zhan was too irate at that time to hear what the man introduced himself as) with doe eyes and flushed cheeks. Lan Zhan was paired off with a kind enough man, soft spoken and skittish. Not at all Lan Zhan’s type. 

The display of Wei Ying and another whipped up something of a primal anger in Lan Zhan, but it was not his place to stop it. So he decided to never interact with the partners Wei Ying acquired. 

Lan Zhan tried to convince himself that he was okay with this, okay with being Wei Ying’s best friend and nothing more. Okay with only supporting Wei Ying in his endeavors. 

And he was, for a while. 

He bit back the rush of jealousy as Wei Ying told him about dates and particularly rowdy hookups. Instead he focused on the way Wei Ying would glow.

Lan Zhan kept himself satiated with the knowledge that Wei Ying always came back to him. Even when Wei Ying got into serious relationships, he still always made time for Lan Zhan. In college, most of these relationships ended amicably, the infatuation tapering out. Sometimes Wei Ying was a bit broken up about it and would mope around their shared college apartment for a week, Lan Zhan cooking him his favorite foods, and ordering others. If he couldn't share his love with Wei Ying in a traditional sense, he would do it like this.

It was easier, for a little while, when they graduated and no longer shared a living space. Lan Zhan wouldn’t run the risk of ever seeing a partner picking up or dropping off Wei Ying on a date, or hear what Wei Ying got up to with them the few times he did bring someone back home with him, although it was rare. 

Still, Lan Zhan had to deal with the post date updates. He loved taking Wei Ying’s time from whoever he was with, knowing that he got to keep Wei Ying for himself, in the warm familiarity of his apartment instead of thinking about how he might fall asleep in one of their arms

It was the small things, Lan Zhan tried to convince himself.

He knew that none of them got to see Wei Ying’s tongue poke out between his lips when he got invested in the process of a design, or see his eyes light up as Lan Zhan played a song for him on his cello. 

He loved to indulge Wei Ying, playing for him with any instrument Lan Zhan could get his hands on (he had at least a basic understanding of most instruments, it was important to him as a composer). There were late nights spent together spread out over Lan Zhan’s dining table, Lan Zhan rifling through sheets and sheets of compositions while Wei Ying worked on his tablet, sometimes nibbling on the back end of his stylus. It was warmed with laughter and the mingling smell of coffee and tea, soft clothes and content smiles. He wished he could have a lifetime of it, but Lan Zhan knew it wouldn’t last. 

The time in which he felt “content” with their situation only lasted about a year, before the strain of the dates started to take their toll on him once more, starting anew on the fraying thread that was Lan Zhan. Each relationship was getting more serious as they grew older. There were less frivolous hookups, more seeking of genuine partnerships. 

So here they sat in their present, Wei Ying had headed off on another date. But this time he had come to Lan Zhan’s apartment before the date. He was extremely nervous, pacing back and forth behind the couch, biting at the side of his thumb. It was his third, formal date with the man. They had “hooked up” twice prior outside of the formal date setting. Because of course Lan Zhan would know. Wei Ying’s trust of Lan Zhan and desire to tell him everything was starting to feel equal parts a curse as it was a blessing. 

“Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan called from the kitchen, “it will be fine .”

“Lan Zhaaan” he groaned, “Look, he’s just– I really like him and I’m scared, ya know?”

Lan Zhan handed him a cup of water. Wei Ying never drank enough.

“You shouldn’t be.” 

“Says you, you’re literally perfect” Wei Ying rolled his eyes and readjusted the collar of his shirt in the mirror hanging in the hallway by the door

“Hm.”

“Oh don’t be like that, you know I’m right.”

The expression Lan Zhan gave him was painfully unamused 

Wei Ying snorted

“Okay, Okay, I got this”

Despite this being far from a first date, Wei Ying was still terrified to mess it up.

“You do.” Lan Zhan gave him a small smile, carefully tucking the pain in it away. 

Wei Ying sighed, the tension leaving his shoulders with a half smile, “You’re the best Lan Zhan” his voice was so earnest. It made Lan Zhan’s gut do a little flip

Quickly, Wei Ying gave Lan Zhan a hug and pulled away just as suddenly, “Alright! I’m gonna go do this!”

“Good luck.”

“Thank you ZhanZhan” he winked and left in a flurry.

Would he have been nervous if it was Lan Zhan he was going on a date with? Or would he know there is nothing Wei Ying could do to make Lan Zhan stop loving him? 

It was a frivolous thought. One that hurt him to entertain. So it got pushed aside

Lan Zhan tried again, not to think about what they might be doing as he drank the cold, bitter tea. It’s been harder, recently. To watch Wei Ying rise and fall with the tide of each relationship, getting washed away into the sea of it all and getting dumped back onto Lan Zhan’s shores. 

He felt himself steadily eroding away with each crash of the tide, drowning in it some nights. 

Most nights. 

However, that night really made it all take a turn for the worst. It was the start of the final unraveling of Lan Zhan’s heart, until it finally snapped and sent him falling. 

Two hours earlier than it was supposed to, a hurried series of knocks sounded on Lan Zhan’s door. Through the peephole he could see Wei Ying, head bowed down so he could only see the swirl of his hair

The door opened immediately

“Wei Ying? Is everything alright?” 

The man didn’t say anything, shoulders still pulled up by his ears, staring intently at his shoes. Then Lan Zhan heard a sniffle. He reached out, gently tugging one of Wei Ying’s shoulders to pull him inside. Wei Ying crashed into his arms with a wet sob. Ah. Lan Zhan shut the door and wrapped his arms around his friend. The word sat like bile in his mind. He was selfish, what could he say? 

Lan Zhan rubbed soothing circles into his back. “Do you want to sit down?”

He nodded against Lan Zhan’s chest, so Lan Zhan guided them to the couch

The date he was supposed to be on did not end well. The man he was seeing was apparently not still over his ex, who had miraculously shown up in something not unlike an overdone drama show situation. When The Ex saw the The Date (Again, Lan Zahn did not like to know their names, it humanized them in a way that made his skin crawl) and Wei Ying, he stormed off. But The Date called after The Ex and begged him to stay. The Ex was upset by Wei Ying’s presence. The Date had said nobody could compare to The Ex, nobody could mean as much to him as The Ex did. So Wei Ying was abandoned at the restaurant after a passionate kiss shared between The Ex(?) and The Date directly in front of the table. The dramatic display and clear date abandonment garnered Wei Ying a volume of pity that only made him feel worse. The waiter ended up covering Wei Ying’s part of the bill. It was… pathetic, as Wei Ying said. He had really liked the guy and was hoping it could be something real . Wei Ying was heartbroken.

Wei Ying’s voice broke as he spoke into Lan Zhan’s shoulder, “I wanted it to work, Lan Zhan”

“I know” he combed back Wei Ying’s hair, pulling it from the ponytail he had it tied into

“Why does–” his grip tightened on Lan Zhan’s shirt, “why does it always fall apart?”

Lan Zhan didn’t answer, just held him close. He’s done this countless times. Picking up the pieces for Wei Ying every time he crumbles, placing them back into place in a new, beautiful stained glass panel. He’d always pick them up. No matter how many cuts they left on his fingers, or how many smaller shards would lodge themselves into the soft pad of his fingertips. 

There is something different, more desperate this time about Wei Ying. 

“Am I that pathetic?” his voice is hoarse with the tears and wracking sobs

Lan Zhan cups his face, “Never. He doesn’t know what he lost, letting you go. He’s a fool, Wei Ying.” his thumb brushes away a stray tear. It’s intimate. It’s painful. He wants more, “He never deserved you.”

Wei Ying was in a daze, still clearly raw and hazy with heartache. He stares into Lan Zhan’s endearing gaze, his eyelashes wet and heavy with tears. “I don’t feel… desirable anymore. I just… It’s been every person recently” his breath hitches, “Maybe, I’m just not.” he shakes his head like it was a fact

“Don’t say that about yourself. Ever.” Lan Zhan can’t bring himself to tell him how desirable he really is. He’s thinking about how badly he wants and wants, but also how sharing how deep that want went would be a violation of their friendship. 

Lan Zhan is lost in it, lost in the dilating pupils of Wei Ying’s eyes, pulling him deeper. But that’s when Wei Ying spoke up again

His voice is quivering, hushed, scared , “Show me, then”

Everything in the room stills for Lan Zhan. The world seems to stop turning, his blood stagnant, his heart frozen. 

Show me

His mind is the only thing moving, racing. His blood picks up again, but it’s a betrayal, moving down, down, down. 

“Wei Ying, what do you mean?” his mouth was too dry, the tremble of his hand on Wei Ying’s cheek an understatement to the restlessness of his body in his own skin

Wei Ying does not answer. He stares. Lan Zhan knows what he wants, but doesn’t know if he should trust his own interpretation of the situation

“Please, Lan Zhan” Wei Ying is half in his lap now. He wants, needs to feel desired. By anyone before he goes crazy

He should stop, remove himself from Wei Ying, from the budding situation.

Wei Ying wasn’t thinking of Lan Zhan. He knew this. But… what if…

Lan Zhan nods. 

Their first kiss is chaste. 

The next is filthy with the parting of lips and tilting of heads. Hands pulling hips down to press into thighs. The slow grinding of clothed arousal. Wei Ying’s cheeks are still tear stained and his breath catches with wet sobs and veiled pleasure. Lan Zhan’s eyes are closed, his hands trembling as they grip Wei Ying’s gyrating hips, his erection pressing into Lan Zhan’s thigh. Lan Zhan’s own rubs firmly against the leg slotted between his. 

He wanted those lips. For so long. Wanted Wei Ying. He wanted Wei Ying’s pleasure.

But not like this. 

He wished he had gently sat Wei Ying back on the couch beside him, comforted him in the warmth of affection and not heady pleasure. He wanted and wanted but with the implication of mutual interest, not for comfort. 

He shouldn’t have kissed Wei Ying. But Lan Zhan’s heart is weak. He is feeble and pathetic in the magnetic presence of Wei Ying. So he says yes, yes, yes. An avid participant, pretending that in those small moments it means something . 

They don’t. Not to Wei Ying, but to Lan Zhan they are everything. 

It’s the first time Wei Ying comes with Lan Zhan’s name on his lips, broken and pleading against the shell of Lan Zhan’s ear. 

He’s the most beautiful man Lan Zhan has ever seen

He tells himself he would tell Wei Ying how he feels.

Tell him this can’t happen again.

He doesn’t tell Wei Ying how he feels.

It happens again. (I want to forget her)

And again (They found someone better)

And again. (He doesn’t want me)

After the bad dates that seem to just be getting worse, Wei Ying finds himself falling into Lan Zhan’s lap instead of his arms like he used to. It progresses with each instance, less restraint, less clothes, more touching. More intimacy. 

Lan Zhan gets drunk on how Wei Ying whines and calls his name, drinking his moans as he climaxes and shakes with Lan Zhan’s touch. 

Each slide of tongues a brief oasis to Lan Zhan. But when it ends, he’s reminded it was no saving grace, it only wrung more out of him, sending him falling further and further.

When Wei Ying leaves after their little “affairs”, he doesn't see the way Lan Zhan falls apart. His own tears became a more frequent guest in Wei Ying’s absence. 

He hadn’t cried this much since he was a child. 

It leaves him exhausted and achingly alone. 

In the grace periods between dates and flings, Lan Zhan forgets that they are nothing more than friends when he looks over at Wei Ying sprawled across his couch, the warm beams of sun spilling over his form as he grins and rolls into a more comfortable position like a cat. He’s content, warm, beautiful. 

Not his. 

It’s a painful reminder, when Lan Zhan wants to walk over and kiss the corners of Wei Ying’s smile and drag a hand over his soft, exposed stomach.

Their routine blurs the edges of what they are now in Lan Zhan’s heart. The careful lines he had constructed to preserve himself got smeared and became unreadable from the first time Wei Ying kissed him. He doesn’t know what to define them as and it hurts. It was easier, when there was that boundary that stood as a chasm between them. He could handle the joke flirting Wei Ying tossed at him. The compliments. All of it, when he knew Wei Ying felt nothing for him.

But now he had tasted the sweet honey of Wei Ying’s arousal. The arousal that was caused by none other than Lan Zhan himself. So it wasn’t nothing anymore, Lan Zhan now knew his touch could make Wei Ying melt in his arms, cry his name and beg. 

It made the dates hurt more. 

Almost entirely unbearable. 

The tides are more exhausting and he doesn’t know how much more he can take without being swept away himself. 

He fell back to the familiarity of composition. 

His songs were filled with longing. Hurt. Wishing for something more.

His cello cried when he did not have the energy to.

Wei Ying does his best to push the weird feeling in his stomach aside. It had been building for the last couple of months and it was becoming a serious issue. 

Lan Zhan didn’t deserve to deal with all of Wei Ying’s mess. He was the best friend he had, he should really stop dumping his issues on him.

Somewhere along the line there were less bad dates and more excuses to have Lan Zhan’s hands on him again. To hear him whisper praise against Wei Ying’s lips. He didn’t know why, but he never wanted it to stop. 

But they were friends. 

Nothing else. 

This was just Lan Zhan helping him because Wei Ying had asked. It was really good, casual, comforting sex. It wasn’t romantic, it didn’t mean anything outside of casual intimacy. 

So why did he want it so much? It was confusing. He didn’t want to bring it up to Lan Zhan for fear of making the man uncomfortable.

He continued to ignore the flares of warmth when he would return to Lan Zhan’s place after a long day and Lan Zhan would rub his shoulders for him. He crushed the butterflies that bloomed when Lan Zhan would cook him his favorite meal. Or have his order waiting for him when Wei Ying was late to their Sunday brunches. He would shove the giddiness aside when Lan Zhan fixed Wei Ying’s hair and his fingers brushed his cheek. Wei Ying promptly smashed down the overwhelming fondness that curled in his chest when Lan Zhan told him he wrote another song for him. It was just what friends did, wasn’t it?

Lan Zhan didn’t feel that way about him.

Lan Zhan knew he had found the edge of what he could handle when Wei Ying came over, no excuse of a poor date to excuse his desire. 

It started as it had been, heated kisses and hungry, explorative touches. They’re removing their clothes and falling together into Lan Zhan’s bed. However, this time is different. 

Wei Ying spreads himself for Lan Zhan, an offering of more. Another line that hadn’t been crossed, a boundary, one of the last, that had remained. 

Against his better judgment, with the last ounces of selfish desire in his heart, Lan Zhan takes the offer. 

Being enveloped in the tight, suffocating heat of Wei Ying is intoxicating. It wasn’t rushed like all the other instances. It was slow and deliberate. Wei Ying flushed and filled with a greed for more, more, everything Lan Zhan could give him. And Lan Zhan wants to give it to him.  So he does. It’s good. Amazing. Of course it is. It couldn’t be anything else when Lan Zhan is with Wei Ying, when their body’s rock together like the push and pull of the moon and the tide. 

Fingers clawing down wide shoulders, hands gripping soft waists.

For a second, nothing else existed, nothing mattered but each other, the soft cries of names and kisses so soft they seemed to tear little pieces of Lan Zhan’s heart out with every time their lips parted.

They moved like they belonged together, 

(Lan Zhan is barely able to conceal the thick, hot tears that pour from his eyes. It works well enough, Wei Ying never noticed.)

With every roll of hips and cry of pleasure, Lan Zhan hoped it meant more.

He had to stop hoping, for the sake of his own heart. 

When all was said and done, the sound of connecting skin no longer filling the silence of the cold room, they both sat on the bed. 

Lan Zhan looked at Wei Ying, who sat staring at the wall in front of him. 

He did not look at Lan Zhan.

Wei Ying thanked him. 

And left. 

Lan Zhan slept on the couch that night. He couldn’t look at his bed without the sting of unshed tears flooding his chest. 

He wanted to talk about it, the next time they spent time together. 

But the carefully planned words shriveled in his throat with any wisps of hope he still harbored as Wei Ying announces that he met this very sweet girl at his favorite coffee shop down the street. They don’t know each other well but they want to. Wei Ying thinks he has a better chance of things working when they become friends first, then try dating.

Lan Zhan tells him it’s a good idea. 

He never did tell Wei Ying how he feels. How being with Wei Ying made him feel. Carefully, Lan Zhan shoved it all down and locked it up. The presence of the new woman was a reminder enough of his place in Wei Ying’s life. Left feeling like he was dunked in the ice bath of his unkind reality.

For the first time in what felt like ages, a thin, uneasy line drew itself in the floor of his heart. 

Lan Zhan began the small, painful pull away.

The friendship of Wei Ying and the New Girl starts with a bang. They like a lot of the same music and find out they have a few mutual friends. She’s kind, beautiful, and boisterous. Lan Zhan has to admit in some of Wei Ying’s retellings, She’s funny .  

A few weeks later, Lan Zhan finds out She likes coffee and food so spicy it’s damn near inedible. She can pound back drinks like nobody’s business and not even sway.

Wei Ying is enamored. 

She’s everything Lan Zhan isn’t.

Wei Ying is so caught up in Her, her pull as strong as his, that he doesn’t notice Lan Zhan’s cooling exterior. He doesn’t realize Lan Zhan hadn’t invited him over for dinner in two weeks. 

It really hits Lan Zhan when Wei Ying misses brunch for the first time since they started the tradition. 

They’re beyond compatible. 

Two months pass and they go on their first date. 

Lan Zhan is sick to his stomach. Not a single other person has matched Wei Ying’s energy as well as this Girl has. He’s happy that Wei Ying found Her, happy to see that he’s being loved like the world meant for him to be. 

But it makes him nauseous. To know he isn’t the one showering him in that love.

It’s going well. 

Wei Ying doesn’t come back to Lan Zhan’s place after his outings with The Girl. 

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan have stopped doing their Sunday brunches all together.

At this point, Lan Zhan feels numb as Wei Ying calls him to talk about Her. 

“She’s just so amazing Lan Zhan” his voice is filled with awe and affectionate longing. 

“I’m glad, Wei Ying. Truly.” Lan Zhan says honestly. He doesn’t listen to a single word Wei Ying says as he talks about how much fun She is. Part of Lan Zhan is sickly curious as to why Wei Ying hasn’t mentioned any heated exchanges between himself and the Girl. He has never been one to leave out the details

But what if…

What if Lan Zhan wasn’t allowed into that space anymore? Was it too personal now between Wei Ying and the Girl that he wasn’t going to share it with Lan Zhan? He shouldn’t be hurt by it. He should be thankful. But the chasm between them keeps cracking. The line is getting bolder, higher. A knee high barrier at this point. They see each other, speak, but do not cross it. Cannot cross it. 

It seems… they don't want to cross it.

They let it get larger.

The phone call was his deciding factor. 

He had been thinking about it for some time. 

Of leaving. 

It wasn’t a spur of the moment decision, but it was a nuclear one. Lan Zhan’s heart couldn’t handle another second of feeling like a forgotten lover, a mistress, despite never having the privilege of being either in the first place.

His mind must loathe him. He thinks of warm mornings and soft, slow kisses that Wei Ying and the Woman must share. He shakes it from his head as he listens to Wei Ying’s voice.

Committing it to memory again and again. Carving it in notes and melodies. He listens to the dips and lifts, listens to his smile so bright it’s always spilling into his words

Wei Ying pauses in his gushing, waiting for Lan Zhan to say something. Suddenly Lan Zhan feels bad for not listening

“I’m very happy for you, Wei Ying.” He closes his eyes to sooth the burn of his sclera. His throat already felt raw.

“Lan Zhan, you should really go on more dates! It’d be so fun to have a double date with you and your boyfriend” the wiggle of his eyebrows in his teasing is visible in Lan Zhan’s mind

The comment, however, is like a stake to the heart.

His voice is tight when he replies, “Perhaps.”

(On the other side, Wei Ying ignores the way his stomach knots uncomfortably at the thought of someone dating Lan Zhan)

“You’d do it?” he sounded excited, with an edge of something else

His cheeks are moist again, “I think it’s time that I found myself. Looked for something new.”

Wei Ying laughed, “I look forward to it, Lan Zhan! You have to tell me all about it when you do, like how I’ve bothered you all these years”

“Wei Ying was never a bother.” He means it. Never. Not even when it felt like his heart was being torn from his chest and put on a plate for the world to point and laugh at. 

Lan Zhan was a fool . 

And he did it all to himself. 

“I have to go, Wei Ying.” He can’t hear anymore. He has to go, in more ways than one.

“Aww okay, I’ll see you later Lan Zhan!” There is a clunking noise on the other side of the line, “Wait! Before you hang up, I don't know why we ever stopped but we should get brunch this week! I’ve missed it” his voice was quiet at the last part.

So did Lan Zhan. He missed it very much

 It makes Lan Zhan’s heart squeeze. He almost agrees, almost immediately falls back (and it’s a gut wrenching reminder of exactly why he has to leave)

He almost can’t say it. “I’m busy, unfortunately. I can’t make it.”

“Oh”

Lan Zhan was never busy Sundays.

“I apologize, Wei Ying. For disappointing you.” the wetness of his voice just barely manages to stay tamped down

“Ah! No no, you’re busy, don’t apologize. What about dinner this week?” He sounds hopeful.

 Lan Zhan has to mute himself as he covers his mouth, to hide the crack in his chest. It takes a second to compose himself, Wei Ying probably thinks he’s checking his calendar. Lan Zhan feels utterly guilty.

“Another time.” Before Wei Ying can suggest something else, he continues, “I have to go. Have a good night, Wei Ying.”

“You too, Lan Zhan.”

He sounds hurt. 

Lan Zhan hangs up. 

It was a Wednesday when Lan Zhan began his move. He had been looking into a quaint home in the suburbs. He had to leave the city. Staying would be too close to Wei Ying, too risky. 

The place he had decided on was close enough he could still visit brother who lived a city over from Lan Zhan’s (now old) apartment, but far enough there was no reason for anyone he used to talk to visit the area. Lan Huan helped him find the place and set everything up. 

A month ago Lan Zhan found himself at one of their bi-monthly dinners with Lan Huan and his husband Mingjue, crying pathetically into his brother’s arms. He couldn’t stop the confession that poured from his weeping heart. Admitting to everything that happened, what they had done.

Lan Huan held him close. They were standing in the kitchen, Mingjue on the outskirts of the scene watching with sympathy. Lan Zhan felt like a kid again, undignified and consumed by his emotions. His brother had been there every time Lan Zhan fell (no matter how hard Lan Zhan tried to hide it from him), it was comforting. If nothing else, he knew he had the love of his brother (and by extension, Mingjue, who had been there most of Lan Zhan’s childhood anyway). 

Mingjue had actually been the one to help him figure out what he would do in terms of a job once he moved. If he wanted he could rely on his family’s money, they had more than enough and Lan Huan offered it, but he refused. He had gotten most of his income through composition (he had lost much inspiration in that front, too consumed with heartache) and performances (and he had abandoned those some time ago) but wanted to do something else instead. Mingjue suggested teaching music. 

Lan Zhan was hesitant at first, but it was a good idea. 

They decided that while Lan Zhan went back to school to get his teaching credentials, their family would support him. There was a very nice elementary school in the area Lan Zhan was moving to that had an excellent music program, so he would try to intern there, maybe see if there was a job opening later down the line

It wasn’t much, but it was something. 

More than nothing.

He would take it. 

He had to go as far and as fast as possible to rip himself out of Wei Ying’s orbit. Lan Zhan had been willingly stuck there for the better part of his life. He knew if he did not go to this extreme, he would easily slip back into it with a single call.

Lan Huan insisted he changed his number. 

(He knew that his poor younger brother would cave at a spam of calls and texts from Wei Ying. Lan Zhan knew he was right)

He did.

There was still some time left on Lan Zhan’s plan, though. So they decided that once he moved, he would leave his old phone with Lan Huan. (Lan Huan also knew an immediate line cut would concern Wei Ying and he would immediately run to Lan Zhan’s apartment and ultimately ruin the plan they had. It was better for him to be left on delivered than “Unable to send to User”)

Again, Wednesday.

He had already put a payment down on his new residence and had informed his landlord of his relocation. They got along fairly well so she took it nicely enough, sad to see him go.

He packed his life into boxes. Photos, scrapbooks, awards, everything. Neat boxes filled to the brim and carried to his car. 

(he refused to get rid of the pictures he had with Wei Ying. They were too precious.)

He packs his instruments, organizes all of his half done compositions and piles of sheet music. They come with him on his first drive to the suburbs.

Thursday, Mingjue and Lan Huan would help him move the larger furniture he had brought to the apartment. 

By Friday morning, Lan Zhan is settling into his new home. Lan Huan and Mingjue stay for dinner, they talk about everything and anything but Lan Zhan’s wounded heart. 

He wants to start something new. 

He doesn’t tell anyone. Doesn’t leave a note. 

His friends back home, he had come to the realization, were Wei Ying’s before they were his. So what was the point anyway?

He cut into the too sweet pie Lan Huan had brought. It was syrupy and tasted more like sugar than fruit.

He had to stop his fall.

Even if that meant crashing into the floor.

Lan Zhan is alone, but he makes himself start again. 

He wants to compose, to write again.

But he can’t.

In the vast hollowness of his new home, he unpacks his cello.

Running his hands over the sleek, polished wood of the body. It is comforting, familiar. He tightens the hairs of his bow and rosins his bow. 

There is still one song Wei Ying never got to know the meaning of.

The one Lan Zhan was planning to play again if he ever told Wei Ying of his feelings. 

WangXian

The only one of the songs he wrote for Wei Ying that had a name

He plays. 

It was Friday and Wei Ying had a date with Amber.  

He’s buzzing with excitement, he hasn’t gotten along with a date this long since… well ever. He is still a little crestfallen that he can’t stop by Lan Zhan’s first. He had made it clear that he didn’t have time to mess around this week, so Wei Ying wanted to respect that.

(Wei Ying still blissfully unaware of Lan Zhan, who at the same moment, was unloading the last bags of groceries from Mingjue’s truck, said man helping him and Xichen stocking the pantries with the newly bought items.) 

He gets ready, neat clothes, cologne, well done hair. The works (for Wei Ying, at least).

Wei Ying shoots a text to Lan Zhan before he leaves

Wei Ying

     Going on a date with Amber! Wish me luck >:)

Just because he’s busy doesn’t mean Wei Ying can’t text his best friend! 

Wei Ying picks her up and they end up going to a fairly nice place. The dinner is good and the alcohol is strong, they share jokes and stories about their friends and families. It’s a really good date. 

He drives her home and they kiss on her doorstep. Her lips are soft and sweet, but it feels… off.

He ignores it and tucks her hair behind her ear with another kiss (the hair is too short. Too curly. He thinks of inky black hair falling in curtains over him. Stop it he curses himself)

She invites him inside, he follows. 

They’re on her couch, kissing, she has her legs straddling Wei Ying’s. It should feel good. It  should feel electric and hot.

It doesn’t. 

He thinks of Lan Zhan’s hands on his hips, bruising. Wei Ying groans softly into the kiss.

She grinds down with a groan of her own.

Wei Ying jolts back a bit, breaking the kiss.

Oh.

Oh he isn’t into this. 

Like at all.

“Amber I’m sorry–” he pushes himself back a bit, feeling horrible about the whole situation. 

She immediately gets off of him, embarrassed as she fixes her dress, “If you didn’t– Why did you–?” she left it open, the implication more than clear enough

“I thought I did.” Wei Ying winces, standing off to the side of the couch now, furthering the distance between them

She has her arms crossed over her chest, pulling into herself. She looks… 

“Is it… something about me?” her voice drips with insecurity and Wei Ying feels even worse

“No, no it’s not you, you’re beautiful but–” 

You’re not Lan Zhan.

Well.

That was a fucking thought.

“But?” She looks hurt. Wei Ying knows that look, he’s felt it plenty himself. The first few times he ran to Lan Zhan asking for more than he had a right to.

“I think.” he swallows, “I think I’m in love with my best friend?”

That feels right.

It makes his stomach churn with anxiety, exhilarating and like the world is about to fall out from under him. 

“I’m in love with my best friend.” he says again, more sure of himself, “I am so, so sorry. It is so unfair of me to figure that out like this, you’re amazing and–” his hands do a little flail in front of himself

“Lan Zhan?” she asks, quiet, less insecure but more frustrated, still hurt. 

Wei Ying sighs, “I talk about him a lot, huh?”

She nods. 

“You should go.”

“Yeah.” Wei Ying rubs the back of his neck, “Seriously though, I’m sorry. You’re a wonderful woman.”

“Wei Ying, please just go.” she turns her back to him

He leaves, walking just out of her building before sliding down the wall, hands covering his face

He’s in love with Lan Zhan. 

Wei Ying laughs into the empty street in front of him. The night is cold but there are no clouds in the sky. He can see the vaguest hints of stars, blown out mostly by light pollution.

He slumps into the driver's seat of his car, resting his head on the steering wheel as his realization washes over him. A lot more of his own actions, his own failings in the dating scene failing miserably make sense to him. He noticed that a good part of himself was checked out on most dates. He always compared them to something, not knowing what at the time. But it was Lan Zhan. 

It was always, always Lan Zhan.

Lan Zhan that held him when he cried

Lan Zhan that knew his favorite foods

Lan Zhan that wrote him countless songs

Lan Zhan that supported him when he come out

Lan Zhan that comforted him when his family disowned him

Lan Zhan that saw him at his worst, most disgusting and still looked at him like he mattered

Lan Zhan who smelled woody and fresh

Lan Zhan who only smiled with him

Lan Zhan  who he loved.

Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan. 

His Lan Zhan.

He should tell him

Fuck, would it make him uncomfortable? Does he feel the same?

Wei Ying decided to drive home before thinking about it more, he was still parked on the street in front of Amber’s house. He rolled his windows down and pulled away, music playing softly as the wind whipped through his hair. 

It was only 9:30 when he got home, he pulled out his phone and sent Lan Zhan another text. He frowned a bit when he saw his previous message was left on read. Usually Lan Zhan would at least react to the message.

Wei Ying

     Ah, Lan Zhan, the date was a bust :/

     Me and Amber aren’t gonna work out

     Can I see u tmrw? 

     I know you’re busy, but just for a little bit?

Lan Zhan was probably asleep by now anyway, so he started getting ready for bed himself. He thought about stopping by Lan Zhan’s apartment as he scrubbed his hair, and noticed it had been a while since they spent time together.

His hands slowed as he lathered the shampoo in his hair, the steam of the hot water making it a little hard to breathe in the bathroom

When was the last time they had brunch?

Huh. 

Next Week. He’d make sure they spent time together next week for sure. 

“Mingjue, I want to kill him.” Lan Huan was holding Lan Zhan’s phone with hands shaking in rage. They had read the messages from the notification bar on the phone

“I know.” Mingjue’s chin was on his husband’s shoulder, arms wrapped loosely around his waist

“He’s shameless.” Lan Huan’s foot was tapping with aggravation, “How could he just– Do this to A-Zhan?”

“Let’s go to bed. We can deal with it in the morning”

“Fine.”

“Mm.” Mingjue kissed his neck and they were off to bed

Birds were chirping when Wei Ying woke up. Blindly reaching for his phone he looked blearily at the screen

7am

No new messages.

Huh.

Lan Zhan should have been well awake by now?

Wei Ying called him. It rang long enough to go to voicemail. His mind was still hazy, wrapped in a cocoon of too many blankets, he fell asleep again, phone still in hand with Lan Zhan’s contact pulled up.

When he did finally, fully wake up and drag himself out of bed it was noon. No returned calls, no new messages. He pulled open their text thread. His messages were still left on delivered.

Maybe his phone died? No, Lan Zhan never let his phone battery get that low. 

Wei Ying

     Lan Zhan Lan Zhan

     R u ok?

     You usually reply to my txts by now lol

     Not to sound needy or whatever

He got dressed and made himself coffee and a small breakfast, giving Lan Zhan time to reply to him, resisting the urge to check his messages every few seconds. An hour later he checked and still nothing

Wei Ying

     Lan Zhan, are you okay?

     Can we talk?

Wei Ying was starting to get nervous. Something was definitely wrong. Anxiety rose in his chest as he pulled on his shoes and jacket, shoving his phone in his back pocket and grabbing for his keys as he went out the door.

He called Lan Zhan through his car’s Bluetooth on his way to the man’s apartment. Still nothing. Frantically, he drummed his fingers on the steering wheel at red lights. He needed to make sure Lan Zhan was okay to calm his anxious heart. He called again.

When he got to the apartment complex he took two stairs at a time to get to Lan Zhan’s floor, knowing the slow pace of the elevator would drive him crazy. He knocked on the door out of breath, calling out for him. 

No response. He called out again.

Shit. 

Was he not home?

Wei Ying sat back leaned against the door, elbows resting against his knees as he stared at the floor. The memory of him staring at the floor, vision blurry with tears as he stood dejected after That Date. The night he kissed Lan Zhan for the first time. The night Lan Zhan touched him for the first time. 

He pushed it away, now was not the time to be thinking about that. He needed to make sure Lan Zhan was ok. 

Wei Ying doesn’t know how long he sat there, but his butt was starting to hurt. He had flicked through the handful of very inactive social media accounts Lan Zhan had. The only thing Lan Zhan had really done on them was post occasional photos from his morning jog, post photos of instruments and like Wei Ying’s posts. Still, Wei Ying messaged them to no avail.

“Hello dear, can I help you?” It was Lan Zhan’s kind, elderly neighbor from across the hall

“Hi! Yes!” he shot up and jogged over to her, he knew Lan Zhan always brought her any extra food he made when Wei Ying and himself couldn’t finish, so she should know him

“What is it?” she smiled and took Wei Ying’s hands, “You look spooked, darling”

“Do you know where Lan Zhan is? Has he been home?” he was frantic but on the verge of breakthrough

“Oh, honey,” she looked… sad? Pity? She shook her head and Wei Ying’s stomach dropped

“What is it?” he felt a shift

“He moved out earlier this week, he didn’t tell you? You were always over.” She squeezed Wei Ying’s now clammy hands

The world felt like it tilted on its axis

“What.”

The sad smile she gave him made him feel worse. He took a step back, hands falling by his sides. 

“I don’t know why he didn’t tell you, I’m sorry you had to find out from me.” she seemed genuinely sad for him

Wei Ying gave her a choppy half bow, “Thank you for informing me.”

He turned and left the building. 

Lan Zhan moved.

In the last week, he just. 

Left. 

What the hell was going on. 

Wei Ying knew that if he didn’t know what was going on, none of their friends would, so he decided not to waste his time. The only person that would know something was Lan Huan, so he sent him a text

Wei Ying

Hey Lan Huan, do you know if Lan Zhan is okay?

Apparently he moved out of his apartment without saying anything 

I’m really worried

Have you heard from him at all?

I don’t know what to do

He sat staring at the sent messages, not noticing he was holding his breath until he released it at the sight of a typing bubble popping up on Lan Huan’s end

Lan Huan

     He’s fine

     Don’t worry about it

Wei Ying

     He’s not answering any of my calls or texts, did something happen?

     I can't not worry about my best friend

     Haha

The typing bubble popped up for a while then disappeared. Wei Ying wanted to throw his phone out the window. He waited for another fifteen minutes before accepting that that was all Lan Zhan’s brother was going to say.

Fine. 

Wei Ying still had his address from when they had dinner together every now and then, it was saved to his contact so Wei Ying drove.

He got to the house in record time, bounding up the path to the front door, knocking in rapid succession. He was still pumped full with adrenaline, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he waited for an answer. 

He didn’t know what to do. Why wasn’t Lan Huan telling him more?  

He heard a faint coming! from behind the door

The door opened to reveal a pleasantly smiling face. It dropped to something more neutral when Lan Huan registered who it was. 

For the man, it was the equivalent of a scowl

“Hello Wei Ying.”

“Why were you being so cryptic in your texts?” he blurted out, heart pounding in his chest

Lan Huan raised an eyebrow, “I was not cryptic. I thought I was rather clear”

Wei Ying shook it off and kept pushing, “Do you know where Lan Zhan is? I–” he had to calm himself, everything he wanted to say threatening to spill all over the front porch, “I don’t know where he is and” he took a shuddering breath, “His number is– he isn't responding to me anymore and I don’t know how to–”

“Wei Ying.” he could hear a hint of sympathy in his voice, “As I told you, he is fine. I promise .”

“But where is he ?” some of the knots in his heart settled, but there was still desperation in his voice. Why did Lan Zhan leave? Why won’t he speak to Wei Ying?

Lan Huan said nothing, just watched as Wei Ying nearly jittered out of his skin in front of his door. 

“Please Lan Huan, I need to talk to him.” Wei Ying was on the verge of tears but Lan Huan was unflinching.

“No.” His arms were now crossed and his expression turned to something icy, “You do not.”

“ What?” Wei Ying wanted to yell at him, shake him and tell him that he doesn’t know what he needs

Why was Lan Huan suddenly acting like this? Wei Ying thought they got along in the past, so why was he being so frigid and unfamiliar with him?

“He’s gone, Wei Ying. Leave it at that, won’t you? It’s better for you both.”

Lan Huan moved to close the door and Wei Ying’s hand flew out to hold it open, the noise was loud enough to startle them both. In almost the same instant Mingjue seemed to materialize behind Lan Huan. It would have been funny if Wei Ying wasn’t about to have a full breakdown in front of them

“Lan Huan, what do you mean? ” He was getting ready to fall to his knees and beg. Probably cry. A lot. “How could that possibly be better?”

“You’ve done enough to him, Wei Ying. What more do you want?” He took a step towards Wei Ying, “What else do you want to take from him?” his voice was full of hurt and anger despite the softness of the words spoken

“What? I don’t– I don’t get what you’re saying, please –”

The older man sighed, clearly irritated.

Wei Ying had to admit, it was intimidating to see someone usually so pleasant be so angered. 

This time Mingjue spoke up, pulling Lan Huan further into the house again “Wei Ying, I think it’s time you head out, our dinner is getting cold.”

Wei Ying looked over at him with glassy eyes. He nodded once and removed his hand from the door, taking a step back. 

Before the door made it half way he called, “Lan Huan, I love him. Please. ” 

The glare he received was deadly, “You’re a little late for that now, Wei Ying.”

(Lan Huan refused to let A-Zhan be pulled back to Wei Ying on a whim. There was no way to tell if this revelation of his was genuine or desperation. Wei Ying had years to realize how he felt, to work through his emotions while he strung Lan Zhan along, intentionally or not. Lan Zhan deserved love, the kind that was real and full.) 

The door shut with finality. 

Fuck. 

Fuck.

What the fuck is happening. 

Wei Ying’s drive home was silent. He blanked out and let muscle memory take him home. 

He ended up at Jiang Cheng’s house. 

His arms and legs felt like they were prickling, temples throbbing with the start of a headache. Wei Ying knocked twice and waited. Wen Qing opened the door

Right.

He forgot they lived together now. No matter, he was good friends with her anyway.

“Woah there, okay,” Wen Qing ushered him, “A-Cheng! You’re brother’s here!”

Wei Ying let himself be guided, mind still flooded with confusion and frustration

“What?” Jiang Cheng called from deeper in their house, “What do you want– You look like shit.”

“A-Cheng what the fuck?” Wen Qing levels him with a look, Jiang Cheng throwing his hands up in a defensive way, almost to say I didn’t mean it like that 

Wei Ying sat down at their table, silent. He was still trying to process the events of the past 12 or so hours. 

They were bickering in front of where Wei Ying sat at the table. It was their way of letting Wei Ying figure his shit out before they pressed for answers while also not leaving Wei Ying alone in silence. 

“Lan Zhan moved out.”

The sentence cut clear above the noise. Wen Qing sat down, Jiang Cheng following

“Oh. Where to?” Wen Qing started with a seemingly innocent question

Wei Ying’s head was in his hands, “I don’t know.”

“How the hell do you not know?” he heard Jiang Cheng lean forward

“I don’t– I don’t know.” he shook his head

“I’m assuming there is a reason you can’t ask?” Wen Qing, this time

“He won't respond to me. Lan Huan refuses to tell me. I went to his house and– I tried, I did but– he wouldn’t–” his breathing was getting too erratic

“Okay, I’m gonna need you to reel it back a bit,” Wen Qing had a hand on his shoulder, enough pressure to be comforting but not overwhelming

Wei Ying took a few steadying breaths

“Did you guys fight? Why would he just leave?” Jiang Cheng was a little more subdued now, as much as his tone could be

Wei Ying shook his head again. He didn’t have answers and that’s what killed him.

He always knew when it came to Lan Zhan.

Now he didn’t and it was like being thrown out to sea without an anchor, aimless, terrifying. Something cold and leadened settled in his stomach. Was it… the sex?

Was Lan Zhan repulsed by him that much?

“I think it was my fault” his hands now resting on the table, clasping one another with white knuckles

“How?” Wen Qing prompted

Wei Ying launched into a mess of a story, a little before the first time the two of them kissed. He was droning on and on, refusing to look them in the eye until it wound down to him speaking to Lan Huan. He knew he started crying at some point, cheeks cherry red with his embarrassment at sharing so much of what had happened behind closed doors. About admitting that he loved Lan Zhan in front of them. 

What confused him, were the dual expressions looking back at him

He expected disappointment, shock, maybe disgust or anger at how dumb he was, surprised at his literal confession of love, but if anything, they looked more tired than anything.

Jiang Cheng was staring at him in an exhausted disbelief, beside him Wen Qing groaned and held her head in her hands.

Finally, they spoke

“You’re a fucking idiot.” Jiang Cheng’s voice was almost gentle and that terrified Wei Ying

“Why the hell is everyone telling me that?” They weren’t but he felt it in the stares from the last three people he spoke to (including Lan Zhan’s neighbor, that hurt ). He was very upset. He didn’t know what in the fresh hell was going on but it seemed that everyone else did. 

“Really?” Wen Qing looked up at him, hands half dragged down her face, moving to massage her temples like the situation was giving her a migraine

“ Yes really!” Wei Ying slammed his hands on the table and stood up with enough force to knock his chair back. The sadness and regret were burning away into anger. His breath was coming in shorter breaths with each second that passed without an answer. “Please. Nobody– Lan Huan wouldn’t tell me where he is and–” he swallowed, his eyes closed, “I don’t know what to do without him.”

Jiang Cheng and Wen Qing looked at each other, having a silent conversation with their eyes (it made Wei Ying’s stomach twist, he missed being able to do that with Lan Zhan. They had felt so distant in the last few weeks)

“He’s in love with you, Wei Ying.” 

He doesn’t know which one of them said it. But he thinks he knows what it feels like to have his world crumble at his fingertips. He loses all the fight he had, falling back into the chair behind him. 

“He has been for years. We thought you knew .”

Wei Ying thought of the look in Lan Zhan’s eyes when he kissed him for the first time, how much he felt. Thought of every time their bodies touched, moved, fell in sync together and felt gut wrenching nausea. Lan Zhan loved him the entire time?

“No.” Wei Ying whispered, “I didn’t know.”

He thinks of what Lan Huan said. 

What more do you want? What else do you want to take from him?  

Lan Huan knew his brother loved Wei Ying. 

You’re a little too late for that now, Wei Ying.

Wei Ying felt like the worst person to exist. He thought Lan Zhan couldn't feel that way for him. That it was impossible in the furthest reaches of their reality. They were friends, sure, but that was it. 

That’s all they could be. 

Wei Ying was wrong, and he missed the one opportunity he had by hurting him.

He stayed at their place that night. He couldn’t go back to his apartment alone.

Lan Zhan loved him.

He realized it too late. 

For a year, Wei Ying tries to find Lan Zhan. 

Everything turns up blank. Nobody knows anything, not even Nie Huaisang who seemed to know everything (if he did, he did an amazing job of hiding it). Lan Zhan’s line goes dead, fully. All texts and calls bounce back. 

He’s officially gone. 

Wei Ying thought of the last phone call they had. It was there, the underlying message. Wei Ying just hadn’t seen it. He was blind to it. 

Wei Ying felt himself teetering on the edge of his own sanity. He decided to throw himself into work, taking on as many jobs as he could. He does them and does them well. He also throws himself into people’s arms, any that are open and willing. Trying to fill the Lan Zhan sized hole in his heart to no avail. 

Every time someone touches his skin it’s not the same

Every kiss feels wrong.

When they whisper in his ear he feels sick and hates the way their heat mixes with his own, either so warm he feels like he’s choking on it or too cool and it feels like they're draining him of his own heat.

His friends are worried for him, obviously. He wasn’t taking care of himself properly and was on a good old fashioned bender. 

Usually when he started his spirals, Lan Zhan was there to stop it. To keep him from twisting and tumbling into his spirals with something as simple as a look.

He wanted to be there for Lan Zhan like he would be there for Wei Ying, wanted to make sure he could be there for Lan Zhan if he ever needed it, no matter when. So his teetering spirals never went past that, simple imbalance. 

Until there wasn’t a reason to not fall to the instability

This time, when he fell and shattered on the concrete, there were no gentle hands waiting to piece him back together.

So he lay scattered. Cold and alone.

It leaves him feeling hollow and hating himself.

Nothing helps, no amount of pleasant faces or warm bodies, so he stops. What’s the point in chasing that feeling if he knows it won't work anyway?

Another year later he gets his shit together, in earnest. He still works hard, but he starts eating better. Forcing himself to visit his friends. It still hurts, but it doesn’t control him every day. 

It’s not the same as it was. He still feels a little hollow, but it’s something.

Lan Zhan has settled into a nice routine in the last two years. He’s nearly finished all of his courses to become a certified teacher. He still needs to arrange his internship with the school (they were elated to have him come in to do a demonstration for the kids, and looked forward to settling on a duration to schedule his internship for. Lan Zhan had to finish another course before they could take him on) 

He did try dating, here and there. It was okay. Nothing more. 

It was nice, feeling wanted, having people seek him out. The sex was… alright. But after the first few times, he decided he’d rather seek pleasure on his own. 

Multiple times, he wanted to compose something. Express himself through his music again, but it always fell flat. There were sheets of half written songs scattered in his home music room, all of them were missing depth. It was frustrating.

One of the hardest parts about it all was resisting the urge to go back. To go to Wei Ying’s apartment and pull him into his arms and apologize for leaving him without a word. To return to his side again and again.

He didn’t. 

His brother and Mingjue came to his house for their bi-monthly dinners now. It was nice to have that repetition, that familiarity. 

He wondered if Wei Ying missed him.

Lan Zhan couldn’t bring himself to ask Lan Huan about him. He knew his brother wouldn’t tell him anyway.  

Wondered if he and that girl had worked out, if they were still together.

He cried more times than he liked to admit over those thoughts. They were silent tears, though. The ones that escaped and slipped out before you noticed they were there, the only warning they had come to pass were the chill of their trail when the air hit his cheeks.

Two years later, Lan Zhan completed his internship and he was offered a position at the school. He takes it enthusiastically. 

He thought about how he would have texted Wei Ying about it, once upon a time. 

He doesn’t.

Instead he goes out to dinner on his own, sharing the small victory only with his brother over text. 

Wei Ying meets a sweet boy four years after Lan Zhan’s deliberate disappearance. He had wide, warm gray-brown eyes and a brilliant smile, full of energy and a fascination with Wei Ying’s drawing skills. 

He fosters him for a year before beginning the official adoption process. He fell in love with the four year old, never more ready to become a father. 

The boy loves him as well, they quickly settle into life together, against all odds. 

Wei Ying hadn’t felt such joy and contentness in a very long time.

It was warm and fuzzy.

Lan Zhan would have loved him. A-Yuan would have loved him.

He was stuck with a fantasy of a family he wouldn’t have.

Lan Zhan is an excellent teacher, he discovers. He loves teaching the kids even at the most basic levels. 

Watching them learn and grow was gratifying, knowing he had been there to help guide them filled him with pride

Whenever he was surrounded by the children, his focus never strayed from them. It was nice, having something he could fully commit to without any outside forces influencing or altering his track of mind. 

His first year as an official teacher, the school gave him a teacher of the year award, parents sang him the highest praises and the children crowded him in congratulations. 

He almost cried.

In his heart, he was so, so thankful he got the opportunity to do this. It may have never happened, in his previous path. Sure, he missed composing, sometimes wanted to perform, but life was give and take. Teaching didn’t stop him from making short pieces for the kids to play, or convert pop songs to orchestra versions for the classes to play if the kids asked. 

It was bittersweet, but worth it.

Wei Ying and A-Yuan had found a comfortable life with each other. Wei Ying was still trying to make sure his son (!!!) was as comfortable as possible. He wanted him to feel loved, valued and cared for above all else. Being a father was still a daunting task for him, he was almost thirty so he felt confident in himself, but still wanted to be the best version of himself he could for A-Yuan

He made sure the boy was familiar with jiu jiu and ayi, he got along really well with his cousin Jin Ling, who happened to be the same age as him. 

Wen Qing and Jiang Cheng, surprisingly, had been a major help as Wei Ying navigated his new life.

A-Yuan meant the world to him, and he was so happy that everyone important to him loved him nearly as much as he did (but he knew none of them could compare to how much he adored A-Yuan)

When A-yuan turned nine years old, Wei Ying found himself extremely dissatisfied with the school districts around them. He had a long talk with his Jie jie about it and she was raving about how nice the school her Jin Ling went to was.

Wei Ying contemplated it. 

The one thing that did come from his two years of work obsession was that he had a very comfortable pad in his bank account from it. His work also seemed to take off as he was branded as a quick, efficient and very good graphic designer, so he had gotten many companies reaching out to him for design alterations and consultations. He had made a name for himself.

He took a tour of the school with Jie Jie and found that it was everything he had wanted for A-Yuan. The staff was kind and diligent, the campus was mostly open and didn’t feel suffocating. It must have been due to the heavy emphasis of the arts and creativity the campus had focused on. It was also one of the top ranked in academics in the county.

He asks A-Yuan how he feels about moving and the boy seems excited to have a new adventure with his A-Die.

(The first time A-Yuan called him A-Die, Wei Ying gave him a fat kiss on the cheek and hugged him, nuzzling his cheek against the top of the boys head until A-Yuan squealed and giggled)

Wei Ying did some hunting and found a cute house a few streets down from his Jie Jie. It was smaller, of course, but it was homey. It was two stories, the bottom floor composed of a kitchen, living room, dining room and a bedroom with a connected bathroom (they converted it to Wei Ying’s office space so he wouldn’t risk waking up A-Yuan if he had to work late). The second story had two bedrooms, a bathroom and a laundry room. There was a decent sized yard and a small front lawn. 

When he officially bought the house he felt, for the first time in his life, truly grown up. He was making big changes in his life. Lan Zhan would be proud of him.

It doesn’t hurt, this time, when he thinks of Lan Zhan. There’s a tinge of longing that he doesn’t think will ever leave, he’s moved past some of the pain, but none of the regret. He wished he could see him again, even for a second. 

They adjust to their life in the suburbs. It’s much quieter than the city. They had moved during the summer, just after A-Yuan’s other school year had ended so there was no worry of travel. Instead, A-Yuan got to spend time with Jin Ling and his friends from school. 

Wei Ying was happy there would be kids there he knew.

Wei Ying and Yanli spent a lot more time together now, like when they were younger. She points out that he’s grown up a lot, but is almost a little sad when she says it. 

She sees that Wei Ying is more calm now. More docile.

His smiles are still bright, but they don't quite reach his eyes.

His laughs are still boisterous, but they aren’t full body.

She asks him if he had ever found anything about Lan Zhan. He shakes his head with a small, sad smile. 

The only things he knew about Lan Zhan were from his professional account as a composer, but Lan Zhan didn’t run those accounts. They updated small things, about re releases and such. But that was it. There wasn’t new content, there weren't any life updates except to celebrate milestones for his works. 

Wei Ying couldn’t help but wonder what Lan Zhan had been doing over the past ten years they had been apart. 

Lan Zhan found himself excited for each new school year. He liked getting new students and seeing which instruments they took to. Never in his life did he think he would enjoy teaching so much so he would miss working and look forward to the school year starting again.

His students brought him happiness he hasn’t felt in some time on his own. Getting his degree was hard, and putting in the work was tiring but he was glad he did it.

Although he had a focus on the stringed instruments, he also teaches the second and third graders how to play the recorder when the winds instruments teacher is out. She had gotten pregnant last year and taken leave so he had helped their long term sub out when he had time halfway through the year. 

This year, he sees a new face with the rowdy duo (their names Jingyi and Zizhen) that loved to cling to him from last year. His eyes are full of wonder as they show him around Lan Zhan’s music room, eventually pulling him over to Lan Zhan 

“This is Mister Lan!” Jingyi points at him from a few feet away

“Hi Mister Lan!” Zizhen calls

“Hello Zizhen, Jingyi” Lan Zhan nods to them, “And what’s your name?”

“Hi Mister Lan,” he seemed a little shy but extremely polite, his eyes warm and deep gray, “my name is Wei Yuan” 

His heart dropped in his chest

Wei Yuan

Wei.

“It’s nice to meet you, Wei Yuan” 

The boy giggles with a lopsided smile. It’s painfully familiar.

He can’t be. Could he? Was it possible that… Wei Ying had a child and now he went here, of all places?

“And how old are you?” 

“I’m nine, I’ll be ten in January!” he beams

Of course he was, it was a dumb question. Lan Zhan couldn’t help it.

Lan Zhan begins class, introducing himself to the fourth graders. He’d teach them after lunch on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. He has them go around and introduce themselves and say one music related thing about themselves (their favorite song, artist, instrument, anything). It goes well and he explains the three options they had to learn from, the violin, the viola and the cello. The class is intrigued as he plays small tidbits of songs on each of the instruments to help them decide. The kids have the option to rent one from the school (they have enough funding that the rental is free, but if the instruments get damaged, the student's parents would have to pay for repairs) or bring their own.

He asks the class if any of them had an instrument already or if they had decided which they wanted

A handful raised their hands, including Wei Yuan. Lan Zhan calls on him

“I have a cello at home! My A-Die bought it for me and taught me how to play a little bit. It’s a lot of fun!” he looked excited

Lan Zhan loves his enthusiasm, especially for the instrument that was his forte

“And does your A-Die play the cello?” 

“No, he usually does different art, a lot of drawing and stuff.”

He wanted to ask him more but deemed it inappropriate. He nodded kindly and asked the next student.

When they did start practicing and teaching the basics of stringed instruments, Wei Yuan took to it immediately. Note reading even faster.

Lan Zhan was extremely impressed.

The students are all trying to get their bearings on the instrument and Lan Zhan is guiding them with kindness, seeing what they thrive in and what they need help in

Wei Yuan has taken well to the cello in the first few weeks of the trimester and it is nearly startling to Lan Zhan. He finds him carefully (and quietly) plucking out the new sheet music soon after they receive the sheets, before Lan Zhan goes over the music and how to read it for the class on multiple occasions.

As he’s watching one day, he asks, “Did your A-Die teach you to read notes as well?”

“Mhm!” he looked up from the sheet music, “my a-die taught me most of the basics of what I know for the cello”

“How did he learn how to read sheet music?” 

“He said someone he used to know played a lot and taught him a bit. Then my A-Die did more research on cellos and techniques to show me better.” he spoke proudly of his A-Die

“I see, your A-Die must be very smart” his tongue felt like sand in his mouth

“Mister Lan, my bow isn’t working!” Zizhen calls from beside Wei Yuan

“Oh? Let me see your bow,” he walks over to the boy to find it both too loose and without rosin. He shows him how to adjust the bow and coat it properly with the rosin. It was a welcome excuse to not think of Wei Ying, or the possible parents of Wei Yuan. 

Jingyi is a couple seats down, he had chosen to play the viola and get’s a little grumpy sometimes being separated from his friends, it’s cute seeing the boy pout and lean over. Lan Zhan smiles to himself

Through the fall, Lan Zhan takes a special interest in Wei Yuan. He’s objectively the most dedicated to his instrument and shows a clear talent in it as well. Not knowing why, he really wants his student to enjoy his time in his cello lessons, Lan Zhan's pride swelling when he can see Wei Yuan taking his advice in playing. 

Despite his care for the boy, Lan Zhan never checks his parental contact information to see who his parents are. His curiosity is strong, but he doesn’t know how he would feel when he finally found the truth. Seeing his parents’ names listed in official printing,

Wei Yuan was a bit nervous about the introduction to a whole new school initially, the number of students sometimes a bit overwhelming despite finding close friends in his cousin as well as Jinyi and Zizhen. The days it feels too much, he joins Lan Zhan in the music room and listens as his teacher plays the cello. It serves as an inspiration to Wei Yuan, and much to Lan Zhan’s delight, he says he wants to play like Lan Zhan eventually.

Lan Zhan hopes he does.

Wei Ying’s favorite part of the day is listening to A-Yuan recount his day in vivid detail, telling his A-Die all his favorite parts and all the parts he didn’t like. He loved that his son (!!! he was still excited that everything worked out in the end, honored to be the boy’s father) felt so comfortable sharing with him.

More and more frequently, Wei Yuan had been gushing about his music teacher to Wei Ying  and Wei Ying was also becoming more excited about meeting them, as they had a very positive influence on the boy.

A-Yuan plays the cello for Wei Ying every Friday night. Over time, Wei Ying had wondered if it was a coincidence that A-Yuan’s playing sounded more and more like Lan Zhan’s. The way his head would dip at certain parts, the sway of shoulders so specific with the drag of his bow across the strings. It takes a lot of will power for Wei Ying to not cry at the sight. He brushes it off as something all cello players do, since there was no way it was Lan Zhan’s influence. 

It’s

A lot to process

He wonders if Lan Zhan would have taught A-Yuan to play. 

A half of the trimester in, it’s time for the first round of Parent-Teacher conferences.

It was mid afternoon when Lan Zhan's meeting with Jingyi's parents ended. They were distant family members of his and very kind so it was pleasant. Their soft demeanors and polite words were nothing like their rambunctious son, so Lan Zhan found himself quite curious as to how their family dynamic worked when not in a proper setting such as a classroom.

He flicked the paper on his clipboard up to see who was next. 

He knew it was Wei Yuan. Lan Zhan was just trying very hard not to think about it but he was being faced with the inevitable. He started tapping his pen on the table. Lan Zhan wasn’t one for nervous fidgeting. But it had been ten years since he had seen Wei Ying. Spoken to him. Heard his laugh. Saw his smile. Felt the warmth of his touch.

Watch him fall apart under him– 

He quickly cut off the train of thought. Lan Zhan wasn't even sure Wei Yuan and Wei Ying were related. He had been too much of a coward to check the files. 

It was too late now.

He tried not to think of Wei Ying walking in with his partner and Wei Yuan. The little boy holding his parents hands and wearing that thousand watt smile he had to have gotten from Wei Ying. He tried not to think of Wei Ying's partner picking up Wei Yuan and kissing him on the cheek. Tried not to think of Wei Ying smiling warmly at them. Kissing his partner. Holding them close.

Lan Zhan let out an uneven breath.

He couldn’t handle this.

Earlier a student dropped off their viola, one of the strings somehow got messed up. Lan Zhan had studied the repair of multiple stringed instruments, violas included, for some time so he was confident he could rectify the situation. Frankly, he needed anything he could to redirect his mind to matters other than Maybe Wei Ying and Wei Yuan's other parent.

Part of him hoped it was his student’s other parent that showed up with him so Lan Zhan could remain in the dark of simple speculation. The other, more self punishing and masochistic side of him hoped it was, in fact, Wei Ying that showed up with his son, shining like a million stars.

Lan Zhan’s fingers stilled on the neck of the child-sized viola as he gazed out the windows that made up the better portion of the wall adjacent to the classroom door. A light breeze made the trees dance. Rays of sun spilled into the classroom casting it in gold hues, everything fuzzy around the edges. 

Lan Zhan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Carefully, he returned to the viola.

The classroom door crashed open with barely contained force. Lan Zhan shot up in shock, gripping the viola a bit too tight, the metal strings biting into his palm.

Wei Ying.

Lan Zhan’s mouth went dry. Wei Ying’s hair was in a mussed ponytail with wild pieces falling around his face. It was longer than Lan Zhan remembered. His cheekbones were more defined, face flush with exertion as he panted slightly. It was then that he registered that Wei Yuan was thrown over his shoulder, he could hear the boy laughing. Wei Ying laughed in turn, setting the boy down. 

Heart stuck in his throat, he slowly released his death grip on the innocent instrument. He let himself soak in the laughter he missed so much. Lan Zhan was no better than the day he had fled. Part of him, in that moment, wished he had never left. 

That part of him also noticed that that might mean Wei Yuan very well could have never come to be. He had very conflicting feelings about that.

Wei Ying still hadn’t looked at Lan Zhan. He was fixing his son’s shirt. Wei Ying was fussing with his own hair as he spoke, “Ah, sorry teach, I can’t believe I was running late for our first meeting. My name is–”

Silver met gold. 

Lan Zhan wasn’t breathing, terrified that if he did it would break the reverie. Wei Ying’s face was shocked, but so open, filled with something Lan Zhan couldn’t read (it really, truly bothered him that he couldn’t read Wei Ying’s face like he used to). He was bathed in soft gold, small particles of dust refracting light and bouncing off Wei Ying’s wayward strands of hair gave him an ethereal glow. 

“Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying’s eyes were wide

“Lan Zhan?” A-Yuan parroted, confused why that name followed Wei Ying’s self interrupted introduction

Wei Ying’s mouth opened and closed around unspoken words. Lan Zhan could see the slight quiver of his lips. Wei Ying  finally broke eye contact and Lan Zhan could finally breathe again.

“A-Yuan, my little radish” Wei Ying turned to him with an expression that was foreign to Lan Zhan, one he had never seen on the other man (the thought brought bile to his mouth, how did he look at his partner?). It was so warm and full of love as he brushed some of the boy’s hair behind his ear, “Will you go outside and find Yanli Ayi? Hm? Go have fun and play with A-Ling and Jingyi while I chat with your teacher!” His smile was soft and genuine. At least Lan Zhan had once been familiar with that one. It hurt Lan Zhan to think about their past.

“But I want to stay here with you and Mr. Lan!” He lightly tugged the fabric of Wei Ying’s button down, the top three buttons were left open and the added tension on the sleeve showed more of his collarbone. Lan Zhan had to avert his gaze as it trailed down Wei Ying’s neck to the exposed skin. 

Do I have no shame? Lan Zhan scolded himself. Wei Ying was a (presumably) married man with a child. It was severely disrespectful for Lan Zhan to be looking at him in such a way.

He bit down on his tongue to keep his mind from the sting that started at the back of his throat and behind his eyes. 

10 years and he still crumbled at the mere presence of Wei Ying. Pathetic. 

“A-Yuan A-Yuan,” he chided with affection, “Please listen to A-Die?”

Wei Yuan sighed but smiled anyway, “Okaaay” he hugged his father and turned to Lan Zhan, “Hi Mr. Lan! Sorry I can’t stay, my A-Die wants to talk to you alone.”

“A-Yuan!” he said quietly but slightly admonishing. The child ignored him

“Don’t worry Wei Yuan, I promise I only have good things to say.” Lan Zhan spoke for the first time. He gave himself a pat on the back for not letting his voice waver. The boy broke from his father’s side and jogged over to Lan Zhan, holding out a fist. Lan Zhan couldn’t help his own small smile as he bumped the boy’s fist with his own. Him, Jingyi and Zizhen took to doing that every time they got something right and Lan Zhan was happy to indulge them when he saw how it made their faces light up and they would go back to practice with even more vigor. 

(Still by the door, Wei Ying’s heart stuttered at the small interaction between his son and the man he loved. He hadn’t seen Lan Zhan’s smile in longer than the time man had left. There was so much he wished he could have changed. Wished he had realized before he lost him.)

The boy returned to his father’s side and gave him a tight hug, face smushing into Wei Ying’s stomach with a small oof and a quiet laugh from the man. Wei Yuan promptly left the room, the door closing again with a click and it was just Wei Ying and Lan Zhan in the room

One wished they never let go.

One wished they had held on.

Neither spoke. 

Wei Ying approached Lan Zhan like one would a wild animal. Slow steps. Soundless. 

Lan Zhan didn’t look up at him, fiddling with the string of the viola again. He had fixed it some time ago. He just needed an excuse at this point, to not look at Wei Ying. To keep himself from falling apart at his place of work.

He heard Wei Ying sit down in the chair in front of his desk. They sat in silence. It was long and drawn out. Awkward and tense. 

Lan Zhan was reminded of when they first met in high school. When Wei Ying and himself were forced to work on a project together despite not getting along whatsoever. They didn’t know each other then. Perfect strangers. To him, Wei Ying was just some rowdy kid looking to garner some sort of attention from those around him, someone that went out of his way to break rules because he thought he was above them. Wei Ying thought he was stuck up and cold. That he thought he was better than everyone else because of his upbringing. Neither of them were those versions of what they believed.

The fact that after everything. After they had bled their hearts to one another about their pasts, their traumas, their everything. After they had become best friends, and could read each other better than their own siblings could. After they had known each other so intimately, through every heartache and broken breath. After all of that, they could find themselves with that same tension as they did when they were teenagers, separated by a chasm that felt too deep to fill, it broke Lan Zhan’s heart anew. 

Strangers.

This wasn’t them. They should never feel this distanced. And yet here they sat. The desk separating them seemed to span for miles. The silence even longer than that.

With every second that passed, Lan Zhan’s heart felt more torn. More raw. He knew he couldn’t pretend he was fixing the viola anymore. He let it rest in his lap, fingers still curling around it like a lifeline. Slowly, he looked up and braved that silver gaze.

There was a sadness in Wei Ying’s eyes. But there were also hints of relief. 

Another beat passed. It felt like Wei Ying was picking apart every inch of his face, relearning it after the years that had passed.

It was Lan Zhan, surprisingly, that spoke first. “Wei Yuan is a good student.”

Wei Ying, whose eyes had been lingering around Lan Zhan’s mid cheek snapped back up to meet gold. 

“He is very diligent in his study of note reading. He–” Lan Zhan continued, giving his student the highest praises while also mentioning the small areas he needed help in. His mind was not registering what he was saying. He forced himself to go into teacher mode, as he liked to think of it. Speaking to parents with one of his pre-determined scripts as his mind felt like it detached from his body. Only reconnecting the two when the parents had questions that derailed the script. Of course, he answered them all fluidly. He was a good teacher. Or so he liked to think. 

He was nearly finished with his speech when Wei Ying interrupted

“I adopted A-Yuan.” Wei Ying immediately slapped a hand over his mouth

Oh. 

Lan Zhan did not have a script for that. 

His mind came crashing back into his body as he stared at Wei Ying.

Wei Ying seemed to continue despite himself, “Five years ago. He’s a sweet boy. I love him so much” (As much as I love you, Wei Ying wanted to say. But his cheeks were already burning with embarrassment at the sporadic oversharing of information. He had no idea what came over him, or why he thought Lan Zhan should know immediately about his parental status)

“I see.” Lan Zhan’s throat felt scratchy. One knot fell open in his chest, but a myriad still remained. Just because Wei Yuan was not his son biologically did not change the fact that Wei Ying might have a partner that he raised his son with. 

“I could–” Wei Ying was speaking from behind his fingers still. His hand was shaking and eyes wide like he hadn’t planned on saying any of this, “I could hear you.”

Lan Zhan’s eyebrows twitched slightly in confusion, the edges of his mouth pulling down slightly

“In his playing, I mean. When he played the cello,” he waved his hands about, a little frantically before they pulled tight and he crossed his arms over his chest, almost like he was hugging himself. “I could hear you when he played.”

“Oh.” Lan Zhan… didn’t know what to do with this information. The barest flicker of hope poked up in his chest, but he quickly smothered it. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears.

“Well!” Wei Ying’s voice was high and too tight as he stood up, “Sorry, I feel like I wasted a lot of your time just… sitting here.” his voice tapered off, gaze still heavy on Lan Zhan

He turned and walked out of the classroom. Lan Zhan hadn’t noticed he had also stood. His mind and body were not one in the same at the moment. Especially when his body decided to chase after Wei Ying. 

He nearly falls face first as he trips on one of the small chairs he has available if one of the parents brings a younger sibling with them. He stumbles but ultimately catches himself before falling. 

Lan Zhan needs answers to questions he hasn’t come up with quite yet. When he is out of the classroom and grabbing Wei Ying’s arm without a thought going through his mind, anything he could have potentially asked immediately goes out the window. 

Wei Ying looks at him like he’s the only other person in the world. Shocked but painfully fond. 

Lips parted, cheeks pinkened, hair swaying with the cool breeze.

An image out of a fantasy Lan Zhan had long since abandoned. 

Lan Zhan wants to tell him he looks beautiful.

“Has nobody been with you?” Is what he says instead.

“What?” Wei Ying sounds breathless. He’s still as stone. But the heat of his arm makes Lan Zhan feel like his hand is on fire, it reassures him that Wei Ying is here . In front of him. Alive.

Lan Zhan stands properly beside him, hand still on Wei Ying’s arm, “Has anyone been there, to help you raise your son?”

Wei Ying is studying Lan Zhan’s face. “Ah,” he looks off toward the playground before meeting Lan Zhan’s gaze again, his eyes full of pain. Regret. “It’s just been me and him. Jie jie and Zixuan have been a big help but…” he trails off, swallowing, “I haven’t– dated, since a few years before I met him.”

“Oh.” the rest of the knots in Lan Zhan’s chest release. There was not… another parent. Another anyone (he felt so guilty being elated at that, Wei Ying deserved happiness). The flicker returned. Lan Zhan was more hesitant to put it out this time. Did this mean something? Anything? Wei Ying who could never not be in a relationship choosing to be single for years despite being attractive enough to date anyone he chose to pursue? He was charming, people flocked to him. Lan Zhan had to watch it first hand for years. And yet? 

“Why not?” Lan Zhan’s heart was pounding. They were standing close. Any closer and they would be breathing the edges of eachothers air.

“Lan Zhan…” Wei Ying’s voice was a whisper. His eyes glistened with something (Lan Zhan cursed himself again for losing his bond with Wei Ying. he hated not being able to have those silent exchanges with each other. Where they just knew ), “I–”

“A-Die!”

“Da jiu!” 

Lan Zhan’s hand dropped and he forced himself to take a step back. Wei Ying held eye contact for a beat longer before turning his full attention to the boys running up to them.

“My boys!” Wei Ying shouted, bending over slightly with wide arms as A-Yuan and A-Ling barrelled into him. He laughed loudly from his belly as he started to talk animatedly to the two of them.

Lan Zhan could only watch. His feet seemed to be frozen to the floor. 

Fatherhood suited him. Very well. 

“Lan Zhan” the voice was soft and sweet behind him. His blood ran cold for a second as he turned to face the source

“Jin Yanli” he bowed to her but she lightly grabbed his shoulder to stop him from bowing properly. He tried not to think about how years ago she insisted he call her Yanli-jie. 

“None of that!” Her smile was warm. He didn’t deserve it. Lan Zhan didn’t know why he felt that way, but it made something sick twist in his gut. “It’s been some time, Lan Zhan. I’m glad to see you’re well.” she tilted her head to look past Lan Zhan’s shoulder to Wei Ying, who had been watching the two for a few seconds as the boys told him about their day. Wei Ying’s eyes snapped back as he saw the slightest turn of Lan Zhan’s shoulders

“I see you have met A-Yuan,” she paused, eyes calculating but warm, “ And A-Xian.”

“Yes.” his skin felt uncomfortable

She hummed. She took a few steps away from them and looked at him, almost expectantly. He followed. Wei Ying or the boys couldn’t hear them now. She spoke again

“His number hasn’t changed, you know.” she was looking wistfully at her son playing with his cousin and uncle. 

“Oh.” He kept saying oh today. He didn’t have the words for these particular, quite overwhelming situations that kept popping up today. He wasn’t prepared.

“He won't say it, I don’t think,” She hesitated, looking back at Lan Zhan “But he did try looking for you.”

Lan Zhan said nothing. He didn’t know how he felt about that. He was being bombarded with information and his brain was scrambling to decipher it all.

It was Wei Ying, of all people, that came to his rescue

“Aiyah, Jie jie” he whined, smiling as the two boys followed after him, “Leave the poor man alone, I’ve taken enough of his time today.” Wei Ying didn’t wait for a response, “Let’s take these boys to get some ice cream! Wait, where’s Jingyi?” he looked around frantically “And Zizhen?” There was a slight panic in his voice, so caught up with his son and nephew he didn’t notice the two additional missing children 

Yanli looked at Lan Zhan one last time before turning to Wei Ying with a laugh, “Their parents took them home early so it’s just our boys today”

“Boo” Wei Ying stuck his tongue out just enough for it to peek over his bottom lip (Lan Zhan wanted to bite it), “Let’s head out then yeah?” The boys cheered and the four of them left. 

Wei Ying didn’t look back at Lan Zhan.

But Lan Zhan watched every step they took away from himself.

Lan Zhan was left standing there in the glaring silence Wei Ying always left behind. His cheery laugh and teasing voice always left any space he took more quiet than before he arrived.

It brought a lonesome ache to Lan Zhan’s chest. He forgot how much of a frenzy that laugh left his heart in.

His number hasn’t changed . 

He looked for you .

He doesn’t text Wei Ying. But he does type the number with shaky fingers into his contacts. He long since had the number memorized, but never added it back to his new phone. It was to protect himself in moments of weakness. When he wanted to cave and call Wei Ying, to start the cycle anew. 

There were times, where Lan Zhan was desperate for any relationship he could muster with Wei Ying.

When Lan Zhan had first moved to the quiet streets of his new residence. Everything was foreign, he was so, so alone. He missed the body that would press against his own, never having to voice his discomfort or yearning for touch because Wei Ying always knew. There were nights where Lan Zhan was alone in his too big bed and thinking of the way Wei Ying called his name and wrapped his legs around Lan Zhan’s waist. Those nights he would pick up his phone and stare at the too bright screen until a dull ache formed behind his eyes, trying to talk himself out crawling back to Wei Ying and becoming his willing mistress. 

Having to type out the number is the only thing that would stop Lan Zhan. That forced him to really think of what he was about to do, to remember the pain of being Wei Ying’s convenience. 

But things have changed. He’s changed. And apparently, Wei Ying has changed. 

He saves the contact.

Wei Ying.

The profile photo is an automated pale orange with “WY” in white lettering. Unease creeps in his chest. In their decade of past friendship, from the first exchange of numbers, Lan Zhan had a continual rotation of Selfies settled at Wei Ying’s profile photo in his phone. All photos taken by none other than Wei Ying himself.

He’s still scared. Lan Zhan can’t help but wonder what will happen if he opens himself to Wei Ying again. Will Wei Ying find himself in the arms of another? Will he hold Lan Zhan with the same desires that had Lan Zhan in a vice grip for all these years?

There were too many uncertainties.

He wanted to call his brother to talk about it, but he already knew how his brother would feel about Wei Ying showing up in Lan Zhan’s life again. Sighing, he turned off his phone and put it on his bedside table. 

One conversation. If you could even call it a conversation. One interaction and Lan Zhan’s heart was jackrabbiting like he was a teenager again. Unsure of what to do, what to say. 

Wei Ying’s face had matured. From the way he carried his son so effortlessly, he must have taken on a more vigorous workout routine. Lan Zhan wondered how Wei Ying’s body had changed. Unhelpfully, his mind wondered if the V-line of Wei Ying’s hips were more defined now, like the edges of his cheekbones… If the muscles of his shoulders were more pronounced now. He wondered how the muscles of his back pulled and strained under his skin as he arched his back. The last time Wei Ying had been stripped bare below Lan Zhan he was… fairly supple, for lack of better words. The curve of his hip when Lan Zhan held him, smooth skin, muscles peeking out just barely but blurred at the edges with the softness of his body. 

Lan Zhan’s breath catches at the thought. He can still feel the pillow of Wei Ying’s skin pressed into his palms, bruised by his fingers. The sleep-pants he was wearing began to feel uncomfortable, Lan Zhan ignored it as he lay down in his bed and folded his hands over his chest. Months had passed since he had last thought of Wei Ying in that way. He doesn’t touch himself that frequently anymore, only when he can’t will his arousal away but even then, it feels more mechanical than pleasurable. 

Closing his eyes, he forces himself to sleep. The shame that would inevitably overcome him if he touched himself to the thought of Wei Ying the night after seeing him for the first time in a decade kept his carefully folded hands from straying.

Come a week later, he still has not sent Wei Ying a message. Nor has he seen the man. Lan Zhan did admit he was a bit more wary as he went to the grocery store that week, wondering if he would run into Wei Ying and his son in a pocket of domesticity. 

He didn’t. He was almost disappointed. 

Wei Yuan was as diligent a learner as ever. Oftentimes after finishing his lunch with his friends and the students being released for play time, the boy would find himself back in the music room. He would watch as Lan Zhan played music he hadn’t heard before, and some he had. A-Yuan was always mesmerized by how easily Lan Zhan played the cello and how smooth it sounded.

One day, there was a piece Lan Zhan was playing that he had gotten particularly into, eyes shut and moving slightly with the music. The sounds plucked and caressed from the cello were beautiful. 

“Which one is that?” Wei Yuan finally asked his teacher

Lan Zhan stopped playing, rolling the bow over in his hand, “I composed it,” he took a slow breath, “It is unnamed at the moment.” 

He wrote many songs for Wei Ying over the years. Some Wei Ying knew, some he didn’t. They were based on many moments they shared together. This was the piece he wrote for Wei Ying when his adoptive parents disowned him. It was supposed to be a counter to that, that Wei Ying was loved, cared for. That he would always have Lan Zhan to return to. Wei Ying sobbed when Lan Zhan played it for him the first time and Lan Zhan held him for an hour after. 

It was also the night Lan Zhan realized he wanted to give his love to Wei Ying for as long as he lived and breathed on this Earth. 

“That’s so cool! It’s really pretty!” Wei Yuan beamed at him, awed with his teacher’s talent

Nobody else had heard the song before except Wei Ying. Lan Zhan didn’t know why he ended up playing it in front of the man’s son, it just sort of happened. His fingers had a mind of their own as they danced across the strings, pulling the song out from the depths of his heart. He hadn’t played that song, or any of Wei Ying’s songs, in a long time. The last time he had tried, he had ended up half hunched over his cello and swallowing unshed tears. That was about six years ago. There was no reason for it to resurface now. These past few days he continued to shock himself

“Would you like to learn it?” Lan Zhan puts the cello and bow to the side, neatly folding his hands together

“Yeah!” A-Yuan was buzzing with excitement, Lan Zhan smiles softly at the boy, he had the same radiance as his father, making everyone around him happier with even the smallest of smiles

“Very well. I will have the sheet music for you tomorrow at lunch” He planned on rewriting the piece so it could be played at a more simple level, without the usage of techniques he acquired through years of devoted practice.

The bell rang and with it, brought lunch to a close. Wei Yuan bid his farewell and scurried off to his next class. 

That night, Lan Zhan’s hands were trembling as he composed the alternate version of the piece for Wei Yuan. 

Multiple times, he had stopped and stared at the wall opposite of his table, thinking about the time he had first written the piece. He was in a frenzy, pouring his heart onto the page right after Wei Ying had called him to tell him. He sounded terrified, far from their dorm and not knowing if he could finish off the year when his aunt had decided to cut their fiscal support before telling him he was no longer welcome in their home. There wasn’t much Lan Zhan could do at that moment as he waited for Wei Ying to get back home to him in their shitty little dorm.  Lan Zhan had ordered food and re-centered his anxious heart as well as he could. It wouldn’t help Wei Ying if they were both freaking out.

When Wei Ying had come back an hour later, there was food waiting for him. Lan Zhan waiting for him with open arms. After they ate, Wei Ying sat on the couch, curled up and looking dazed, still not fully processing the situation, still not having cried. Lan Zhan played for him, improvising a great deal of it. When he finished, Wei Ying took a few staggered steps to Lan Zhan and collapsed onto the floor beside him, hugging Lan Zhan’s waist and burying his face into the soft cashmere of his sweater as he sobbed. Lan Zhan put his cello to the side and slid down to the floor to properly hug Wei Ying.

In his present home, far from the memory of his love, he sighed and rubbed his temples. Alone at his study’s table.

As he had promised, Lan Zhan provided Wei Yuan with the newly written piece. It held the same melody, the same emotion, but it is now simple enough for him to be able to play with more ease as a 10 year old. The boy was elated and insisted on playing it immediately. He had brought his own cello and everything. Lan Zhan helped him make sure his cello was in tune and bow properly coated with rosin before they began.

For the next week and a half, Wei Yuan dedicates himself to learning Lan Zhan’s music, sometimes dragging his friends in to watch him play in all of his free time at school. Lan Zhan doesn’t mind the extra presences like he thought he might. He liked sharing his music with the children, more so than the thought of releasing it publicly. Lan Zhan thinks his issue was more with his love for Wei Ying getting commercialized opposed to the original thought that he only wanted Wei Ying to hear the notes composed in the deepest chambers of his heart. He wanted everyone around to hear his unadulterated love for Wei Ying.  

Lan Zhan was surprised at how well Wei Yuan was able to play the piece. Of course, it was not perfect. His bow skittered on occasion and the notes came out sounding crooked somehow. Sometimes, he accidentally skipped notes and backtracked to perfect the succession, or went too quickly in other areas that were supposed to be slow and melodious. But despite any hiccup he had come across, it was still clearly Lan Zhan’s song.

That Wednesday when Wei Yuan comes in to practice the piece with fierce determination, Lan Zhan makes a suggestion

“Wei Yuan?” The boy’s head darts up from where he was unpacking his cello, “Have you played this piece for your A-Die yet?” A-Die, Wei Ying is A-Die. He still struggled with that on occasion

“No, I need more practice, don’t you think?” he’s pouting a bit, clear he a little frustrated with his lack of perfection of the piece

Lan Zhan shook his head, “I think you’re doing very well. I also think your A-Die would appreciate hearing all of the songs you are working on.” he wants Wei Ying to hear him again.

He said he could, that one time. 

Maybe it was a bit selfish

But now Lan Zhan wants Wei Ying to really hear him.

Wei Yuan had the courage that Lan Zhan didn’t. He loved the time he spent with the boy, how excited he got when Lan Zhan praised him, or how serious he took the corrections he received. He was a bright boy. Lan Zhan wanted to teach him everything he knew. 

“Okay!” there was that brilliant smile. Brighter than any star in the sky.

Lan Zhan gave him a pat on the head and the boy giggled, “Let’s practice once more then.”

That night after dinner, A-Yuan asked if he could play his cello for Wei Ying. Of course, Wei Ying was elated every time A-Yuan gave him one of his performances. Together they made up an area in their living room, moving aside two of their love seats that flanked the coffee table opposite of their couch. Wei Ying pulled out A-Yuan’s music stand from the nearby closet as A-Yuan ran upstairs to grab his sheet music from his bedroom. 

Wei Ying pulled one of the chairs back at an angle so he could watch how A-Yuan played while still mostly watching the boy from the front like a proper audience would. He curled his feet under him on the chair and waited patiently. He was proud of how quick of a learner A-Yuan was, how talented he was with music. 

A-Yuan finally came back down stairs with a stack of papers carefully clipped together in their respective sets

The first few songs A-Yuan played through were familiar as Wei Ying smiled along, bobbing his head lightly to the music. He had been practicing these songs since the start of the school year so of course, he was doing very well with them. He thought of Lan Zhan, but shoved it away. This was about his son, not Lan Zhan right now. 

The next two Wei Ying had heard only a handful of times, as they recently started playing them in class. He was intrigued to see that there was one more set of papers on the coffee table beside A-Yuan. Were they already introducing a new piece? 

A-Yuan seemed particularly excited for this one after having played through the other pieces twice before moving on to the next. 

Before each piece, he would tell Wei Ying the name and his favorite part about it. This time was a little different, he seemed to be contemplating something as he set the sheet music on his stand. He looked more determined than the other pieces. Wei Ying couldn’t help but feel a little excited, he loved when he could tell A-Yuan was invested in something.

When A-Yuan didn’t introduce the piece as he set up, Wei Ying asked instead

“So, A-Yuan, what’s this one called?” his leg bounced against the cushion of the chair

“Oh, well, I’m not sure.” His eyebrows made a little furrow that made Wei Ying’s heart stop for a second. It reminded him of Lan Zhan. 

“Not sure?” Wasn’t the title supposed to be on the sheet music?

“Well,” A-Yuan seemed nervous as much as he was excited, “I’m the only one that got to learn this one! But Mr. Lan said it didn’t have a name so… I dunno.”

“Alright.” Wei Ying’s eyes were wide. Lan Zhan personally taught A-Yuan something? An unnamed something. His palms felt sweaty so he rubbed his jeans, “Play it for me then! No intro needed!” he paused, “Hold that thought, what was your favorite part about this one?”

“Hm.” he scrunched his nose as he thought, “I had a lot of fun spending time with Mr. Lan! He showed me how to do cool stuff and taught me to play note patterns that everyone else hasn’t learned yet! I feel like I learned a lot and Mr. Lan is really cool too!”

“That’s very nice A-Yuan” 

Fuck.

A-Yuan took a breath and started playing. 

In three notes, Wei Ying recognized the piece. Any curiosity he had faded away as he watched his son work through the song he thought he had forgotten. He tried so many times to replicate it. Hum it to himself, tap it into the table with a pen, but it never sounded quite right. There were nights after their parting that Wei Ying cried to himself, wishing he had asked Lan Zhan to record each and every one of his songs for him. It never occurred to him to ask while they were still friends. Whenever he wanted to hear one, all he had to do was ask Lan Zhan, who was always conveniently by Wei Ying’s side or on the other side of the phone, and he would make it happen. Even as A-Yuan played it was missing something (it was the years of love, of pining, of unwavering care and affection Lan Zhan harbored for him), but it was Lan Zhan’s song. One of the many he would play that were just for Wei Ying. 

The notes were low and gentle as they wrapped around Wei Ying. The silky, decadent feel of Lan Zhan’s playing was replaced by the stuttered determination of his son.

It was beautiful, nonetheless. He could easily pick out certain parts that were missing from the song, and his heart clenched at the thought of Lan Zhan partially hunched (only partially because of his impeccable posture) over his table, his old pair of glasses low on his nose, hair half pulled up as he scratched away at a note sheet. 

He remembered watching Lan Zhan compose, sitting across from him at a too small table with papers everywhere and Lan Zhan humming softly to himself. Wei Ying would make them tea, watching Lan Zhan’s deft fingers skitter across papers, closing his eyes and plucking a tune from an imaginary instrument.

Wei Ying felt the familiar burn of tears building behind his eyes. His knees pulled further up the chair and a hand settled gently over his mouth. A-Yuan was strictly focused on the paper in front of him, pausing to turn the page occasionally before picking up again. It was a longer piece than the others he had played. 

Every note that reverberated in Wei Ying’s chest brought back memories upon memories. 

He didn’t notice the hot tears spilling down his cheeks until A-Yuan looked up for a second and gasped, his bow pulling across the strings discordantly, “A-Die!?”

Wei Ying meant to say something but he choked out a sob instead. A-Yuan moved to go to Wei Ying’s side but he held out one of his hands to stop him, the other smearing the tears away from his cheeks, “Aiyah, don’t worry about me, these are happy tears, my love. I promise.” he sniffled with a wet laugh, “Finish playing for me, yeah?”

A-Yuan nodded, a bit conflicted with the situation, but continued playing it anyway. 

When he had finished, Wei Ying had walked over to his side and pulled him into a tight hug

“Thank you for playing for me, A-Yuan.” He kissed the top of the boy’s head, “You sounded lovely.”

“Thank you A-Die” A-Yuan’s arms wrapped around Wei Ying in turn

They sat there like that for a little while, Wei Ying trying to still his aching heart and will away his teary eyes before he let A-Yuan go.

When A-Yuan went to bed, he called his Jie jie and sobbed. 

He missed Lan Zhan.

So much.

The next day at lunch, Lan Zhan was excruciatingly curious to know Wei Ying’s reaction. Did he hate it? Was he upset? Did he like it? Was he glad to hear it?

There were many possibilities. 

All of his attention was on the entrance to the music room when Wei Yuan finally walked through the door, but his curiosity was immediately put on hold with the melancholy hanging around his favorite student. 

“Wei Yuan? Is everything alright?”

The boy didn't say anything and sat on the carpet in front of Lan Zhan’s chair. He started picking at the threads, his eyebrows pinched. Finally he looked up at Lan Zhan

“I made a-die cry.” he looked confused.

Lan Zhan moved the chair he was sitting on off to the side and sat cross legged in front of A-Yuan, joining him on the carpeted floor. 

His voice was gentle, “What happened?”

“I played the song for him. He said he was happy and he really liked it, but… it still felt weird. To see him cry like that.”

“I see.” Lan Zhan was glad the reaction was, well, mostly positive. But he did feel bad for putting A-Yuan in that situation. For making Wei Ying cry, even if it was out of happiness

The song itself had a very intense place of origin in their emotional history. It was not exactly the best song for him to send A-Yuan back with. So maybe something… else?

“Would you like to learn a different song? To make him happy?”

“Can we?” he seemed to brighten with that, “You’ll teach me more?”

“Of course. I’d be happy to.”

Lan Zhan simplifies a remake of a corny song that was popular when he and Wei Ying were in college. The two of them made it as a joke and it sounded terrible in a fun way. He hoped Wei Ying would remember his part in its creation later on.

Between normal class and his time with Lan Zhan at lunch, Wei Yuan begins to excel rather quickly with his cello skills. His playing was still not entirely smooth but you could clearly hear how his progress had made leaps and bounds over the next few weeks.

A-Yuan tells Wei Ying he had another song for him that Mr. Lan taught him.

Wei Ying braces himself when he starts to play, but immediately bursts out in laughter when he hears the familiar, intentionally janky notes. This time, it is missing a flute accompaniment. That was one he hadn’t forgotten, so he told A-Yuan to hold on as he stumbled up the stairs to grab his dust covered instrument. 

They played together and A-Yuan was elated to play with his father. Wei Ying was trying not to giggle as he pushed life through his flute, some of the notes squawking with the laughs that did happen to make it past his lips. A-Yuan's giggles make Wei Ying smile brighter, delighted by his son’s glow.

He should learn more of the music he plays, Wei Ying thinks to himself.

When the song ends Wei Ying collapses back onto the couch with a laugh and A-Yuan sits beside him, Wei Ying pulling him into a half hug so his son’s head rests on his shoulder, “Thank you for letting me play with you, my little radish.” he’s idly combing through A-Yuan’s hair

“I’m glad Mr. Lan taught me that one.” Wei Ying hums, A-Yuan continues, “I told him that you cried last time and I didn’t want to make you cry again. He said this one would make you laugh and it did, so I’m thankful.”

Wei Ying bit his lip, “You’re too kind, A-Yuan” He hugged the boy tighter, slightly embarrassed that A-Yuan told Lan Zhan that Wei Ying cried

“A-Die?” A Yuan turns slightly to look up at his father, “Why did you cry?” 

Shit. 

“Ah, well, Mr. Lan and I used to be very good friends.” he couldn’t lie to his son. He didn’t want to either. “He used to play that song for me a looong time ago, before you were even born!” he pinched A-Yuan’s cheek

“ Really? You knew him that long ago?”

“Mhm.” he continued the low energy effort of detangling A-Yuan’s hair with his fingers

“But why did you cry? And what do you mean used to be friends? You’re not anymore?” he sat up straighter, more fully turning to his father

“So many questions, A-Yuan!” he nervous laughed

“Sorry…”

“No no, it’s okay! I didn’t mean it like that.” He grabbed A-Yuan’s hand, “Mr. Lan and I stopped talking after some time. It was my fault. I hadn’t,” he sighed, “I hadn’t been a very good friend to him in the end.”

“Oh” A-Yuan sounded sad

“I cried because I missed that song. It has been a very long time since I heard it, and hearing my little radish play it for me made me so happy I couldn’t help but cry!” He scooped A-Yuan up into his arms and squeezed, making the boy laugh

“I hope,” he rested his cheek to the top of A-Yuan’s head, sighing wistfully, “I hope we can be friends again someday, me and Mr. Lan.”

A-Yuan was quiet for some time

“I think he wants that too” his voice was muffled where his face was pressed into Wei Ying’s shoulder. His dad released him

“What do you mean?” How could he know Lan Zhan wanted to be anything to Wei Ying again? Did he say something?

A-Yuan scooched back to his previous spot on the couch, “Well, if he didn't, why would he want to teach me something to make you laugh?”

Wei Ying blinked

A-Yuan rolled his eyes (he definitely got that from Jin Ling, Wei Ying thought to himself) “If he didn't  want to be friends again , then why would he care that the other song made you cry?”

How the fuck was he being outsmarted by a 10 year old. 

Wei Ying accepted that no, he would not win on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. It was humbling

“I guess you’re right, A-Yuan.” he stood up, “Alrighty, that’s enough outsmarting me for one night, get your butt to bed!” 

A-Yuan laughed and bid his goodnight, heading up to his room a little lighter than before. 

Fuck.

He had a point?

A very good point. 

Wei Ying was working on his tablet, sketching out a design for one of his clients when his phone buzzed. Without looking he flicked open the message app, trying to smooth out the last edges of the logo.

Satisfied, he looked at the message. From an unknown number

His heart stopped in his throat

Unknown Number:

Wei Ying

I apologize for making you cry.

It was not my intention. I hope tonight’s song fared better than the last. 

Lan Zhan. 

It was Lan Zhan’s new number. The one he had been begging Lan Huan for to no avail. Lan Zhan texted Wei Ying first. Lan Zhan reached out to him . 

Wei Ying stares at the message for a solid fifteen minutes, only snapping out of it when his alarm to sleep finally went off (he had forced himself into having better habits, being a father all now). 

He didn’t know what to say. What to do. 

So he carried himself to bed after cleaning up the table and the rest of the dishes from dinner. 

Lan Zhan wanted to talk again.

He wanted Wei Ying to talk to him.

He saves the number before it could disappear on him.

It simply read Lan Zhan. He didn’t put a flurry of emojis. Didn’t have him listed as ZhanZhan like he used to have him. He didn’t have that candid photo of Lan Zhan scrunching his nose with a half smile, a bunny partly pressed against his cheek. 

Just. Lan Zhan.

He’ll take it. 

Wei Ying suddenly extremely overwhelmed, ended up crying again, clutching his phone to his chest. He felt a weight lift off his shoulders as he finally drifted off to sleep.

The fuzzy thought of Lan Zhan holding him on a shitty couch in their shared college dorm came to mind. He was content. He would take whatever Lan Zhan would give him.

He entirely forgot to reply to the text. 

Lan Zhan waits for a half hour, the read status displayed at the bottom of the screen. 

He gently rests his phone on its charger and goes to bed.

First thing in the morning, Lan Zhan checks his phone to no avail. He feels a little sick. Then he remembered he never said it was him that texted. But who else could have said that? He forced himself to continue his morning routine and get to school with enough time to play a bit of piano before his first class. 

Wei Yuan doesn’t show up to their lunch time music session, which Lan Zhan understands. He’s still a kid and wants to do what kids do, playing and running around. But he can’t say he’s not a little disappointed at the fact anyway. 

A-Yuan’s class has their standard music lessons after lunch on Fridays, so he still got to see the boy, who was elated with the music’s results. He only got to tell Lan Zhan briefly before class began and he guided them through their warm ups and songs for the day. Gently correcting and giving praise where it was due. At the end of class while the others were still packing up, Wei Yuan made his way to Lan Zhan

“Mr. Lan! A-Die really loved the music!”

“That’s good to hear” he organized the borrowed practice books some of the students used today

“He even played along with me on his flute!”

Lan Zhan stopped, “Did he now?” that was… more than he had expected. How often did he play his flute? When was the last time?

“Mhm! It was a lot of fun, we were laughing a whole bunch. I don’t know why A-Die was laughing but I thought his faces were really funny so–” he shrugged

Lan Zhan nodded

Wei Yuan continued, “You knooow ” he tilted his head to the side, he was up to something, Lan Zhan just didn’t know what “he also said you guys were friends.”

Lan Zhan knew that Wei Yuan was sharing information that was definitely supposed to stay between Wei Ying and his son, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop his student from saying more. 

“ And that he missed you.” He had his hands folded behind his back as he rocked on his feet from heel to toe

“Missed me?” 

“Yup!” Wei Yuan smiled, “Oh! And that he wanted to be friends again! When you guys do, would you come over and teach me more about the cello? And the piano too?”

When. Not if. When they became friends again. This kid really had no idea what mental gymnastics he was forcing Lan Zhan to do

“I would love to.” he clutched the books hard enough that he knew they would leave a pressed line in his palms when he put them down.

“Nice! That would be a lot of fun! Then we could all play music together!” he giggled a bit, eyes sparkling

“Yuan! Look at the smudge on my resin! Doesn’t it kind of look like a bird?” Jingyi ran up to them with Zizhen in tow

“Yeah look at it!” Zizhen was pointing at the rosin in Jingyi’s outstretched hand

“It’s r o sin Jingyi” Yuan shook his head, “But yeah! It does!”

The boys walked off and Lan Zhan was left stunned

Lan Zhan imagined a warm Sunday morning with Wei Ying and Wei Yuan. Maybe Lan Zhan made them breakfast before they came down stairs. He always got up earlier than Wei Ying anyway, and there was no way Wei Yuan was going to wake up at 5 am on a weekend. They’d set up the music stands together. They’d play with the windows open, letting the crisp morning air in, the wind carrying their songs out to the world. He’d show Wei Yuan how to do more complicated transitions, Wei Ying would watch them and laugh. He was always laughing. 

Oh.

Wow. 

He really wanted that. 

It wasn’t until noon that Wei Ying realized he never sent a reply to Lan Zhan, making his heart drop. It’s too late now to send a text. Lan Zhan is in the middle of work so he can’t call. But he can’t just text now. 

Fuck it. 

He drives to A-Yuan’s school forty five minutes early for pick up. According to the vocal teacher (yes, Wei Ying was getting scraps of info through his Jie jie since Jin Ling did vocal anyway), Lan Zhan likes to stay after his last music lesson and play in the music room, sometimes other teachers stop by and watch or he’s just on his own.

A whirlwind through the office, he gets a visitor's pass and makes his way in a daze to the classroom.

He can hear the sonorous call of Lan Zhan’s cello before he reaches the door, it’s muffled, but beautiful despite it. The notes dip and sway, beckoning him closer with a melancholy steeped in yearning. 

Wei Ying opened the door and he’s washed with the full depth and richness of every note. 

He recognizes this song as well. 

It was the only one that Lan Zhan wrote and refused to tell him the meaning. Wei Ying thinks he now knows what it meant to Lan Zhan back then. 

He could feel the song deep in his chest. He quietly let the door shut, the sound no longer diluted through the opening, saturating Wei Ying to his core. 

He felt it in the tips of his fingers to the depths of his heart. 

Wei Ying hated how quickly he cried when it came to Lan Zhan’s music. It always had such a drastic effect on him, whether it was happy, sad, anything . It could be anything and Wei Ying would feel it in a way he couldn’t feel anyone else’s music, much less their words. 

(Maybe that should have been a sign to his younger self of his own love for Lan Zhan) 

The song ends with the drag of his bow and the room falls to a silence that somehow felt full, like there was still music lingering in the air

“What was your intention, then?”

Lan Zhan nearly jumps out of his chair. His cello carefully nestled between his legs makes it more of a full body flinch as he tries to protect the instrument. He does manage to drop his bow with a muted clatter onto the carpeted floor.

Wei Ying stood just inside the doorway, hands in tight fists by his side. Lan Zhan knew he wasn’t angry, but nervous. He didn’t want Lan Zhan to see his hands shake… Wei Ying hadn’t done that since high school.

“I… wanted to see if you remembered” (Did you think of me as much as I thought of you?)

“I did. I do. How could I not?” (I thought of you. Every day. You never left my mind)

“I am–” He looks away, “I am not sure.” (I didn’t think you would. I thought it would only ever be me)

He picks up the bow again 

“Lan Zhan.” (Please look at me)

Lan Zhan feels his heart twinge. The voice was so small. So soft. So vulnerable

“Mm” (I can’t, I’m sorry. I want to but I can’t)

“Lan Zhan. I missed you. So much.” (I love you, please, please look at me. I want to see your face)

Lan Zhan licks his too dry lips. He can hear the soft steps of Wei Ying approaching him. And yet, Lan Zhan still couldn't meet his eyes. He was holding the cello too tight, the bow now resting on his knee. He watched, instead, the faint shine of the rosin on his bow’s strings, light catching on the hairs pulled just taut enough.

He nods. It’s not the right answer. He knows it isn’t

Wei Ying took another step closer. And another

“I don't want to lose you again, Lan Zhan. I can’t.” he sounds breathless, “I’m… sorry. For everything. I know I hurt you I–” his voice broke, eyes dropping to the floor between them, “There are a lot of things I wish I could take back. I want to try again. I want to be your friend again. Please .”

Wei Ying was begging to be his friend. His friend. Lan Zhan’s friend.  

Something deep in Lan Zhan felt like it snapped as he stepped up to Wei Ying, fully crowding his space. There was nothing behind him, Wei Ying could step back.

Wei Ying remained, eyes wide and staring into Lan Zhan’s

“Is that all you want? To be my friend, Wei Ying?” His breath is near heaving, “Nothing more?”

A blush was steadily creeping up Wei Ying’s neck and over his cheeks, flustered, shaking his head fervently “For me to want more is selfish. I’d be overstepping–”

His words were careful, filtered. Lan Zhan hated it.

“Please, answer me honestly.” Lan Zhan felt close to tears, he can't do this again if they are to remain just friends. Their time apart did nothing but prove his devotion to Wei Ying to himself. He can't watch Wei Ying fly away to anyone else. Not again. It would break him “Do you want our relationship to stop at friends, permanently? Is that what you truly desire?” 

If it was, Lan Zhan would back off. Let Wei Ying go once and for all. He couldn’t accept friendship. It was greedy, tactless even, but true.

Wei Ying blinks and he feels a tear stream down his face, “No.” 

Lan Zhan closed his eyes, face tilting to the ceiling

“I’m selfish Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying laughs humorlessly, “I always have been, haven't I? I want you. All of you Lan Zhan. In every way. I’m sorry that I was too late in noticing the first time. I don’t want to do that again, I lov–”

The hand holding the bow came up to cup the back of Wei Ying’s head, pulling him into a kiss. The handle of the bow pressed a bit uncomfortably into the back of Wei Ying’s skull but he couldn’t care. He doesn’t care because Lan Zhan is finally kissing him and it feels like a puzzle piece slipping back into place, like what he was missing all these years finally found him again. 

Lost in the soft, chaste press of lips, the ringing of the bell echoing in the room has them pulling apart, breathless and glassy eyed.

Lan Zhan’s eyes are red rimmed, filled with an awe he only ever had for Wei Ying.

Wei Ying put his hands on Lan Zhan’s chest, their warmth felt like a brand over his pecs and he never wanted Wei Ying to let go.

“I want to do this right.” Wei Ying pulled Lan Zhan’s collar forward so their foreheads touched

One of Lan Zhan’s hands came up to cup Wei Ying’s face, finger traces over his jaw. Lan Zhan missed touching him. There was the faint scratch of stubble where his fingers caressed Wei Ying.

“I want to get to know you again. Ten years is a lot of time and… I want to know what’s happened in your life. Properly.”

“I want to know you again too, Wei Ying.”

It was like being a teenager again, but this time, in a giddy way. 

They start texting back and forth, updates on small things throughout the day as they try to figure out who they have become in the last decade.

They tread lightly still, as if they are entering a newly budding friendship, but their intent, their feelings of love remain. 

For the first time in a decade, Wei Ying wakes up to a happy birthday text from Lan Zhan. That afternoon, Lan Zhan joins Wei Ying and they take A-Yuan trick-or-treating with his trio of friends. When the kids got tired and wanted to head back, Lan Zhan ended up carrying all four of their overstuffed  bags of candy with the softest smile as he watched them shout and jostle each other around from a fair distance ahead of himself and Wei Ying. As he watched the scene unfold, Wei Ying’s heart felt like it was bursting at the seams with endearment. 

When Lan Zhan left that night, Wei Ying gave him a quick kiss on the cheek as he walked him out the door. Lan Zhan paused, shocked by the sudden action and Wei Ying was instantly overwhelmed like a teenager who had just told their crush they like like them. It was embarrassing for a whole 3 seconds before Lan Zhan gently cupped his cheek and gave him a kiss on his forehead, cheeks and ears warm with affection.

Wei Ying was giddy for the rest of the night and kept skirting his fingers over where Lan Zhan’s lips had brushed just above his brows. 

Wei Yuan’s winter break comes and goes, and with it Wei Ying finds himself inviting Lan Zhan over for some fun winter activities. It’s more personal. They spend their time with Wei Yuan and his Jie jie’s family (ice skating and looking at the neighborhoods’ crazy lights were two of their favorites). With each passing day, their conversations fell into something more and more familiar. Each step taken making up for lost time.

Another month of this slow but pleasant dance, Lan Zhan tells his brother of the developments. Lan Huan holds his reservations about Wei Ying still, understandably after watching years of Lan Zhan’s heartache, but he wants to trust Lan Zhan’s judgment, for his little brother to find happiness. 

It’s that same night Wei Ying gets a text that makes him shiver

Lan Huan:

     I’m watching you, Wei Ying.

     You are on Very Thin ice.

Wei Ying:

     Terrifying, but I get it. I won’t fuck it up this time, I promise. 

It was unsettling to say the least, but he understood where Lan Huan was coming from. 

Lan Zhan taught A-Yuan more songs, sometimes coming over on the weekends to take Wei Ying and him to lunch before coming back to practice for a little while.

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan relearn each other's patterns. Lan Zhan’s micro expressions refamiliarizing themselves in Wei Ying’s memory. The shine of Wei Ying’s eyes and the subtlety of his hundred different smiles (and a hundred new ones) all mapping themselves in a neat dictionary in Lan Zhan’s heart.

It’s all remembrance that comes back to them like muscle memory. Everything new folded in the gaps. 

It’s ordering drinks for the other and knowing the choice was correct

The exchanges of small gifts

Small inquiries

I remember. I remember, I remember .

I could never forget.

I want to learn more.

I want to see how you’ve changed

I want to show you how I’ve changed too

Do you still have that chunky knit blanket Qingyang gave you?

No, it ended up tearing and I couldn’t save it. I have part of it in my scrapbook, though.

How are the others?

They miss you. Not as much as I did, but they wanted to see you again.

Do you remember the bunny shirt I got you in college?

I still have it. I couldn’t bring it out of its box so it should still be in my closet.

Do you still stay up all night until morning?

Ah, Lan Zhan Lan Zhan, I have to be a responsible adult for my A-Yuan! I shifted my sleep schedule

That’s good. I’m glad.

Have you composed anything new recently?

I did not have the inspiration in the past, but I think I will have some new pieces soon.

Do you play the flute outside of the times when you play with A-Yuan?

Not like I used to. But I want to. Maybe we can play together?

I would like that.

Are you still horrid at handling your alcohol?

Yes. I don’t think that will change

There was so much they wanted to speak about, so many little things. Do you still like your tea like this? Do you still hate asparagus or do you still drink your coffee black? Yes, no, I do it like this now. The waxing and waning of the past melding with the present, building the groundwork for a tentative, hopeful future.

Lan Zhan kept teaching A-Yuan more of his personally composed songs, their own bond closing much to Wei Ying’s delight. A-Yuan and Lan Zhan even become comfortable enough with each other for Lan Zhan to call him A-Yuan and A-Yuan to call him Zhan-ge when they were outside of school.

Lan Zhan takes Wei Ying and A-Yuan out to lunch for A-Yuan’s birthday. For Lan Zhan’s birthday, Wei Ying gave him a small, gouache painting of a selfie he had taken of himself, Lan Zhan and A-Yuan when they had gone ice skating together. A-Yuan was clinging to Lan Zhan in his little puffy red jacket that matched Wei Ying’s, complete with beanies and scarfs the trio wore all made by Wei Ying and Yanli. They were rosy cheeked and smiling, the painting shows the perfect fuzzy, glowing edges of the moment. Wei Ying was unsure about the gift at first, but the tight hug and soft press of lips against his temple soothed his anxious heart. Lan Zhan loved it, and resisted the urge to cry about it. 

It was going so well for them. Wei Ying brought flowers for A-Yuan and Lan Zhan after their winter recital

For his two precious boys he said. A-Yuan giggled and Lan Zhan flushed. Wei Ying’s freelance work continued to thrive. The presumed dead to the world of music Hanguang-jun began to publish new works again, sending his circles of creators into a frenzy. It was comfortable, it was everything.

Winter bled to spring and all of its warmth. They found each other again. With every breath, every flicker, they found each other. Wei Ying could tell what Lan Zhan felt from the slightest fluttering of muscle. Lan Zhan could decipher every smile and shift in tone. 

It was like before, but nothing was the same. It was more, they both wanted more. 

They had to take the time to feel out who they had both become. Laughing came easy again. The docility that overcame Wei Ying slowly melted as he bloomed with Lan Zhan by his side, Lan Zhan soaking in the kaleidoscope of color Wei Ying brought back into his life. 

Over the time they spent together, they had never gone on a formal date with just the two of them. Anything that could have been deemed as such was  filtered with the pleasant buffer of A-Yuan. Whenever they went out, A-Yuan was in tow, filling the air with double the laughter. They chose to spend the time navigating the turbulent seas they had lost their guiding compasses for, but they learned to chart the stars together. 

It was during A-Yuan’s spring break that Wei Ying finally asked Lan Zhan on a proper date. It was eight o’clock in the afternoon when Lan Zhan had received a call from Wei Ying (his profile picture graciously taken by Wei Ying himself, A-Yuan’s face peeking out of the bottom corner of the photo that primarily featured Wei Ying’s toothy grin). 

“Hello, Wei Ying” he set down the pen he was writing with, drafting a few random compositions since he didn’t have much work to do over the break

“Ah, Lan Zhan–” he started bumbling on about something that happened that day, but Lan Zhan could tell he was avoiding something

“Wei Ying.” he couldn’t hide the amusement in his voice

“What’s up?”

There was no use in beating around the bush. “I enjoy the update, but there is something else you called to say, correct?”

“Oh, aha, Lan Zhan you always see right through me don’t you?” 

“It’s easier when I can tell you want me to see through it.”

Wei Ying grumbled, knowing he had been pretty much caught red handed, “So mean, Lan Zhan. Well, of course you’re right, I just, ahhh” Lan Zhan could hear him pacing, he let Wei Ying take his time

“Lan Zhan. I want to make you dinner. Just you and me, as a date.” Wei Ying held his breath

“A date?” his heart staccatoed. He knew this was what they were both moving towards, what they wanted. But it still felt unreal, like he was trapped in a dream and it was going to melt away and he’d wake up alone again, far from the warmth and color of Wei Ying.

“A date. Officially.”

“When would you like our,” he let the word settle on his tongue, “ date ,” it felt good , “to take place, Wei Ying?”

“This Thursday, if that’s alright with you?”

“Thursday is perfect. What about A-Yuan?” He wasn't opposed to the boy’s presence, but Wei Ying did specify it would just be the two of them.

“He’s staying with Jie jie for three days, Thursday to Saturday. Him and his friends wanted to go on a little adventure together, Jie jie and Zixuan offered to take them all and let them stay the night.”

Lan Zhan tried not to think of anything past the usual parameters of a first date. Didn’t let himself wonder if he would see if Wei Ying was as soft as he once was in his hands. 

“Well, it seems you have planned well. I look forward to it, Wei Ying.”

“Me too, Lan Zhan.” he sounded elated, it made Lan Zhan’s heart flutter. It was real.

They sat in a fuzzy silence for a little while

“Wei Ying?”

“Yeah?”

“Good night, sleep well.”

“Good night Lan Zhan” his voice was heavy with fondness. 

Lan Zhan had a real, honest to gods date with Wei Ying. He leaned back in his chair, hand over his eyes and smiled, a tingling in his chest that spread over his arms

Wei Ying’s name fell from his lips when he touched himself that night. It felt so right. 

The days leading up to their date left him abuzz with anticipation. Every hour passed too quickly yet somehow not fast enough, he couldn't decide which felt more true. It wasn’t like their dinner would be any different to the times they had gone out in their recent past, they had eaten together plenty of times. Technically, nothing drastic had changed. But this time there was intent. This time, Wei Ying was inviting Lan Zhan to his home to cook dinner for him because he had feelings for Lan Zhan. 

He worried about what he should bring with him, what he should wear. He was definitely bringing wine. Were flowers too much? No, Wei Ying would love flowers, Lan Zhan just had to find the right ones. 

There were a hundred thoughts whirling through his mind as he had contemplated everything to come ( Should I bring condoms? The thought passed quickly but it still didn’t stop the flood of embarrassment and light shame. He sat down for a second head in hands and calming his racing heart before he set out to clean his house for the third time that day)

Wednesday night it had taken him much longer than normal to fall asleep, staring at the dark ceiling of his room and thinking of soft skin, kind smiles and bright laughs that warmed him from the inside out. 

Thursday morning Lan Zhan went to the wholesale flower warehouse he had found to carefully arrange his own assortment of flowers for Wei Ying. It was simple, small, and delicate. A tight bundle of forget me nots, interwoven with a few sprigs of honeysuckles and baby’s breath scattered throughout. He bought the flowers and carefully arranged them in a short glass vase at home. 

Lan Zhan wore a pale blue button down tucked into his cream wide legged dress pants, cinched with a white belt. He contemplated for a moment, and ultimately decided to wear the fine silver chain necklace he had bought himself on impulse when he was younger. He loved the way the light reflected on the small links. As for his hair, he decided to let it fall freely, bringing a large white hair clip if he had wanted to twist it up and away from his neck. 

Lan Zhan felt… pretty.

There was an hour still before the time they had scheduled their date for (!!) so Lan Zhan idled, pacing around his house. He didn’t want to sit down and crease his pants more than they had to since he would already have to sit to drive. His fingers itched to play the cello but he didn’t want to lose track of time like he often did while playing. He checked three separate times to make sure he had everything he needed. 

Absolutely sure a half hour had passed, Lan Zhan checked his phone. Only 10 minutes passed since he last checked.

Well. 

If he was early he could wait in the car, couldn’t he? That would be fine. 

So he gathered the flowers, wine, coat, clip, wallet, keys and headed out

The drive from Lan Zhan’s place to Wei Ying’s is short. The first time he had gone over to the man’s house, they found out they were only a neighborhood away from each other. It was weird, staring at the map and showing how close they were this whole time without knowing. Wei Ying joked that it was fate he had just happened to choose a house so close to Lan Zhan, but part of Lan Zhan couldn’t help but think it really was fate. Always so close, and closing the distance more, they were meant to be close.

He parked in front of Wei Ying’s house, he turned off his car and sat for a while, staring out at the quiet street, save for a few kids playing in the yard a few houses down from Wei Ying. The clock on his phone told him he was still twenty minutes early. Clicking his phone off again, he zoned out, fingers tapping out a random tune on his thigh

His mind had fully wandered away, thinking about Wei Ying and music when his phone rang, Wei Ying’s face filling the screen and illuminating the inside of the dim car

“Lan Zhan–” Wei Ying sounded like he was in the middle of a fit of giggles

“Wei Ying, is everything alright?”

“Yes, yes everything is fine, but–” Lan Zhan could hear the face splitting smile he was wearing, “Sweetheart, I can see you waiting outside from my kitchen, just come in”

The term of endearment rolled off his tongue so easily that it took Lan Zhan off guard for a second

“Oh, I’ll be there in a second.” His face was hot with nerves and embarrassment

“I’ll see you soon, Lan Zhan” 

Lan Zhan frowned a bit at the lack of nickname but pushed forward, “Mm”

He hung up and got out of the car, opening the passenger seat to pick up the carefully secured vase of flowers and the wine. With everything in hand and a few steadying breaths, be turned to walk to the front door. As he made his way up the path, he saw that the gauzy white curtains on the kitchen windows were open, Wei Ying buzzing around the stove. He smiled fondly to himself, passively wondering if this is how it would feel to come home to Wei Ying after a long day of work. Looking pleased by the set of his shoulders and the hands on his hips, Wei Ying whirls around and catches Lan Zhan’s eye through the window. First shocked as he flinches hard, hands flying up then beaming and trotting out of view, probably to the door, when he realized it was Lan Zhan.

Lan Zhan makes his steps a little quicker so he ends up getting to the door at the same time Wei Ying throws it open, leaning heavily on it with a saccharine smile that he’s trying (and failing) to keep from overtaking his face

“Hi” Wei Ying is staring into Lan Zhan’s eyes, transfixed by them

“Hello” Lan Zhan can’t help the small smile pulling at his own lips in the presence of Wei Ying’s radiance

Wei Ying stares at him dreamily for a few seconds before remembering he actually has to let Lan Zhan in to have their date and not just stare at him on his front porch.

Inside, Wei Ying finally notices the beautiful flowers in Lan Zhan’s hands

“Are those for me?” his voice is hushed, eyes transfixed on the gentle arrangement of delicate petals

“Yes, for you.” he holds them out to Wei Ying’s now open and waiting hands

“Oh Lan Zhan…” he receives them graciously, “I’ve never had a date bring me flowers before” he holds them close, carefully studying each flower

Lan Zhan places a hand on Wei Ying’s bicep, “Wei Ying deserves more than just flowers.”

Wei Ying was going to say something when a smile curled at his lips, eyes catching on the wine bottle in Lan Zhan’s other hand, “Is that why you brought me wine? And my favorite too?” he nudges Lan Zhan slightly with eyes a little too shiny

“No,” Lan Zhan put the wine on the counter, “Wei Ying deserves more than flowers and wine.”

“Oh?” he cast Lan Zhan a playful look as he put the flowers on the dining table, so he could look at them while they ate, “Then what do I deserve?” Lan Zhan followed after him 

He adjusted the tilted collar of Wei Ying’s shirt, “You deserve all the love in the world and more.”

Wei Ying gaped slightly at him before turning a wonderful crimson and burying his face in his hands, trapping Lan Zhan’s that were still on his collar, “Stooop I’m supposed to be wooing you not the other way around!” he grumbles without any malice, Lan Zhan wants to kiss his bowed head

So he does. Wei Ying’s hair smelled sweet and a bit earthy from the soaps he used, with hints of the cologne he had put on.

Wei Ying tilts his head up and their noses almost brush, Lan Zhan’s hands haven’t moved from where they were on Wei Ying’s collar, but now Wei Ying’s hands are resting on Lan Zhan’s wrists, fingers wrapped around them. 

“Can I kiss you?” his tongue darted out just barely to wet his lips and it caught Lan Zhan’s attention immediately, “I know that usually happens at the end of the date but we already did everything sort of… out of order and I really want to kiss you right now”

“I want to kiss you too”

It’s a simple, chaste kiss, that leads to another, that leads to three more before Wei Ying has to physically separate himself from Lan Zhan so their food doesn’t get cold on them

“I worked so hard you know!” his tone conveying that he was very proud of what he had managed to cook, “I was planning this all week, A-Yuan got the test run of it so I could make sure I got everything just right when it got to you.” the last part is a little shy, admitting that he had used his son as a guinea pig for his date dinner cooking skills, but Lan Zhan thought it charming

They sit and eat at the table. It’s a big table, to accommodate all of the little guests they have circling in and out of the house, so Wei Ying makes Lan Zhan sit at the head and takes the seat directly on his right. He thought sitting across from one another was too far, this way he wouldn’t have to stretch across the entire table to hold Lan Zhan’s hand if he wanted to. 

The food is delicious, mild in spice but full of flavor. When Wei Ying had put their plates down, he noticed Wei Ying’s was definitely a few shades bolder than his own and was thankful for his thoughtfulness of his palette and food choices. But Wei Ying could have made anything, could have made Lan Zhan’s plate as spicy as his own, more so even and it would be the best thing Lan Zhan had ever eaten because Wei Ying made it for him, with so much care and deliverance. But it’s even better because he knows how much effort he put in and the details he remembers. 

The food pairs well with the wine Lan Zhan brought, or so Wei Ying says. Wei Ying had gotten Lan Zhan a fruity drink of sorts that complimented the dish well, the sweetness of it countering the savory meal. 

As they eat, Wei Ying tells Lan Zhan all about A-Yuan’s plans for the next few days and the planning he helped Yanli with. He tells him about how Jiang Cheng finally proposed to Wen Qing. He also tells Lan Zhan about how much A-Yuan adored him immediately after meeting him the first week of school. Lan Zhan’s heart warmed knowing that the boy had taken to him well enough to immediately gush to his father about his music teacher. Given the chance, he would love to spoil that boy rotten. Wei Ying too. They both deserve the word two times over, and even then, that may not be enough to satisfy Lan Zhan’s need to make them both feel loved and cared for. 

Lan Zhan tells Wei Ying about Lan Huan and Mingjue, how they are looking into fostering some cats because Mingjue, of all people, adores cats more than anything. He asks Wei Ying if he would like to bring A-Yuan to the bi-monthly dinner he and his brother have at Lan Zhan’s place. Of course, Wei Ying agrees, wanting to spend as much time with Lan Zhan as possible while also trying to win back Lan Zhan’s brother and husband. The two had adored Wei Ying, once upon a time. But with everything that had come to pass, even with Lan Zhan’s affirmation, Wei Ying had a fall from grace with them. Lan Zhan is touched to know Wei Ying holds his brother and husband in such high regard, determined to ensure they know Wei Ying’s intentions this go around, he jokes about using A-Yuan as his prime case of bribery. Lan Zhan doesn’t tell him that it will most definitely work and A-Yuan will acquire two very doting, very protective uncles rather quickly. 

But that also made Lan Zhan think how he may have to double down on his showering of affection on A-Yuan, lest his brother manage to one up him.

It’s a nice feeling to share so many things of family. It’s comforting. 

As their meal began to wind down to the end, Lan Zhan having finished and Wei Ying nearly done (slowed down with the amount of chattering he was doing) Wei Ying’s eyes are on the flowers again

“Lan Zhan, that is the prettiest arrangement I’ve seen, where did you get it anyway?” he eats another mouthful as he looks over at Lan Zhan expectantly

“I arranged it myself. I chose the flowers and found them at a local flower warehouse, then put them together in a way that I thought you may like.” 

Wei Ying swallowed hard, eyes full of love “You’re so good, sweetheart” he caught himself and eyes went wide, “I– sorry that’s the second time I’ve called you that today and I didn’t even ask if I could–”

Lan Zhan reached out and rested his hand over Wei Ying’s, swallowing his own embarrassment, “I like it.” he assured

“You do?” his voice sounded unsure still

“A lot,” he hesitated, “my love.”

The crooked smile was back as Wei Ying looked down at his now empty plate, “Okay”

They take their dishes to the kitchen, washing them and setting them out to dry in a little snippet of domesticity that comes so naturally to them. Dishes and table cleared and clean, they sat on the couch, fresh tea for Lan Zhan and a topped off cup of wine for Wei Ying. 

They talk, for a while. About everything and nothing, turned to face each other, a pillow in Wei Ying’s lap as he listens to everything Lan Zhan has to say.

Wei Ying bit at his bottom lip, contemplating his next words

“Lan Zhan?” he traced the rim of his wine glass with his finger, staring at the deep red liquid as it dripped down the insides of the glass, “I know this isn’t really first date talk but we never actually talked about it and–”

“Wei Ying, you can ask me anything, it’s okay.” Lan Zhan knew where the conversation was headed. He was ready, though. To lay it all out, in the comfort of Wei Ying’s home, curled on his couch and surrounded by reciprocated affection.

“What specifically was it that made you leave? Was it the sex or?” he shook his head, eyebrows pinching together

Lan Zhan tells him everything. About how he had found out he loved Wei Ying when they were still in high school. How he was genuinely okay with all of the dates until the later years of their friendship had rolled around and the day they had first kissed. He admitted to the private tears he shed and how it had all come to a head with The Girl (Amber, he now knows). Wei Ying also tells Lan Zhan about how that date went and Lan Zhan could almost cry at how at every point, they were so close and so far apart. Waxing and waning. Reaching out and grabbing at the wrong time.

But it was right, now.

Lan Zhan tells him about how much Lan Huan and Mingjue had supported him and being there when he felt like the world was crumbling. He also explains why he felt the need to move and cut contact. Part of Wei Ying is surprised at the amount of influence his presence had on Lan Zhan, the other is horrified because of what it did to their friendship. Wei Ying makes Lan Zhan promise that if he needs to leave, for any reason, he would tell Wei Ying. Wei Ying also promises that if that instance came up, he would fully respect Lan Zhan and give him the space he needed. Wei Ying just wanted to make sure he knew Lan Zhan was okay. 

“I’m so sorry” Wei Ying’s glass has taken a place next to Lan Zhan’s cup, free hands now holding both of Lan Zhan’s, “I’m sorry you went through all of that alone”

Lan Zhan shook his head, “An apology isn’t needed here, Wei Ying. It wasn’t the right time, then.” he squeezed Wei Ying’s hands, “Because of everything, we found our lives, no?”

Wei Ying sat with that. If it hadn’t happened in the way it did, whose to say Wei Ying wouldn’t have gone into that frenzy that launched his work onto another level? Maybe he would have never met A-Yuan. The thought alone made him feel a bit queasy. He also knew Lan Zhan wouldn’t have found his love for teaching, throwing himself fully and solely into composition, and what if he had burnt himself out in the process? Then what?

But none of that happened. 

It hurt, sure. There was still the lingering fear Wei Ying held of Lan Zhan leaving without a trace again but… There was too much he wasn’t willing to let go of now that he had it. And Lan Zhan felt the same.

“I guess it all worked out for the best then?” Wei Ying laced their fingers together

“Mm” He was gazing at their hands and how they fit so well together. How the feel of Wei Ying’s hand in his felt like a puzzle slotting together seamlessly. 

Wei Ying was watching Lan Zhan’s face, soft with fondness and the evening light. Wei Ying smiled at his profile, always so perfect. Ethereal. 

He wanted to kiss Lan Zhan desperately, but held back. Still soaking in the calm they shared. Settling in the understanding he had chased for years. Everything was laid out, questions asked and answers freely given. Now they could look forward, without the weight of uncertainty dragging at their backs.

Lan Zhan broke the silence

“Wei Ying, can I hold you?” their hands still woven, sides of their legs pressed together

“Please” Wei Ying curled into his side in search of more touch, Lan Zhan pulled him into his lap and held him tight to his chest. His body was warm and solid against Lan Zhan’s. He let go of Lan Zhan’s hands, fingers now raking through silky black hair. 

Wei Ying melted against Lan Zhan, legs straddling hips, his cheek resting on Lan Zhan’s shoulder, eyes half closed and content

“Fuck, I love you so much Lan Zhan” he mumbled into the peeking skin of Lan Zhan’s neck

“I love you , Wei Ying” His hands slipped under Wei Ying’s shirt, reveling in the skin contact. He needed more. With the way rolled into the touch with a barely audible whine, he needed it too

“ Wei Ying .” his voice was near pleading, the clothing, no matter how thin, was too much of a barrier. He wanted to hold Wei Ying to his skin, melt into soft touches and warm bodies.

Lan Zhan’s wordless message seemed to get through to Wei Ying, who slid off Lan Zhan’s lap and held out a hand. “Bedroom?” He sounded equal parts nervous and anticipatory. Lan Zhan was not having the loss of contact, scooping Wei Ying up in his arms with a delighted shriek from the other

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying’s hands flew around his neck, forehead pressed lightly against Lan Zhan’s temple

He carried them up to Wei Ying’s bedroom, careful not to let any part of Wei Ying bump into the walls. 

Lan Zhan placed Wei Ying on the bed with care. 

“Lan Zhan” he licked his lips, arms open. Lan Zhan hummed and leaned down, kissing him thoroughly with languid lips and warm tongue. Wei Ying pulled back, breathless, after an indefinite amount of time spent kissing, his lips already reddening and shiny with shared spit

“You’re beautiful” Lan Zhan mumbled, caressing Wei Ying’s cheek, kissing the corner of Wei Ying’s smile.

Finally, they undressed, slow hands marveling in the unveiling of planes and planes of skin. There was no hurry, just absorbing every skim of fingertips down muscles and tug of cloth.  Their clothing was tossed off of the bed and Wei Ying was tucked under Lan Zhan’s chin, legs woven together, arms wrapped around chests and fingers tangled in hair. They breathed each other's air, closer, closer. 

Lan Zhan shivered, skin pebbling as Wei Ying drew idle designs on his back with fleeting fingers 

He didn’t quite know how to ask for what he wanted. Part of him still felt disconnected from Wei Ying. They were flush together, Lan Zhan could feel his arousal pressed into Wei Ying’s hip, and Wei Ying’s a similar position to Lan Zhan.

Chasing pleasure wasn’t his focus at the moment, but he wanted the closeness of the act

“Wei Ying?” His voice was small, he felt a little embarrassed

“Mmm?” Wei Ying hummed into the skin of Lan Zhan’s neck, content to press his nose against him and leave ghost kisses on his collarbones, inhaling his scent and drinking his warmth

“Can I be,” he pressed his cheek to Wei Ying’s head so he didn’t have to hold eye contact while he spoke, “In you, but still hold you like this?” he felt the smile against his neck before he got an answer

“Yes, I’d like that.” Wei Ying shifted so he was fully draped over Lan Zhan, stretching to reach his bedside drawer to grab his lube

Lan Zhan pressed his nose against Wei Ying’s shoulder and inhaled, Wei Ying resettling himself so he laid more comfortably on top of Lan Zhan’s chest

Lan Zhan took the lube from Wei Ying kissing his cheek and pulling one of his legs so it was hooked across Lan Zhan’s waist. 

“Is this alright?” Lan Zhan kissed Wei Ying’s temple

“More than” Wei Ying’s mouth found its way back to Lan Zhan’s neck

Lan Zhan squeezed a generous amount to his fingertips, massaging warmth into the lube. His heart squeezed in his chest. He was going to touch Wei Ying in a romantic connotation. There were no ulterior motives, nobody else to take him after. It was just him and Wei Ying.

His finger gently circled Wei Ying’s rim, the man gasped and arched back into the touch

“ Lan Zhan–” his breath was hot against Lan Zhan’s skin

He slid the finger in slowly, to the second knuckle, waiting for Wei Ying to relax. His free hand ran up the length of Wei Ying’s spine and petted through his hair. When Wei Ying gradually melted against Lan Zhan again, he pressed the rest of his finger into him. His thrusts were shallow, making sure he was comfortable with little strain. 

He pressed in a second, making Wei Ying’s breath hitch, nibbling at Lan Zhan’s collarbone. Then a third, slowly opening Wei Ying up in a way that felt so deeply intimate his heart was fluttering like the first time he realized he was in love with Wei Ying. Lan Zhan pulled his fingers when he felt the slide of his fingers come easy. He spread lube over himself, nudging against the cleft of Wei Ying’s ass

“Can I?”

Wei Ying nodded with a kiss to his jaw and Lan Zhan slipped into him carefully, they both moaned quietly, but didn’t move further, Lan Zhan settling heavy and hot in Wei Ying. 

The warmth of being connected was perfect. Lan Zhan sighed into the kiss Wei Ying pressed to his lips. Every kiss was deep and consuming. Taking as much time as they saw fit before they broke apart and chased the other for another kiss. 

An indiscernible amount of time passed for them, Lan Zhan’s hands dragging over every bump and curve of Wei Ying’s body, Wei Ying mapping him with his mouth. Wei Ying hummed with the press of Lan Zhan’s fingers into the tight muscles of his shoulders. They didn’t say much as Lan Zhan rubbed the knots from Wei Ying’s muscles. Lan Zhan had to bite back a groan or two when a knot went particularly deep and Wei Ying tightened around where Lan Zhan was comfortably settled inside of him

Somewhere between reality and another plane of existence, Lan Zhan’s mind was a bit of a puddle that was nothing but the weight of Wei Ying on his body and the feeling of being buried deep in him. Not being able to form proper thoughts of how to express his overflowing affection for Wei Ying, he decided to cover him in kisses, every inch of skin he could reach.

“Lan Zhan?” Wei Ying nipped at the skin just under his ear

“Mm?” it was a lazy, content hum as he pressed his lips to the outer corner of Wei Ying’s eye

“This feels really nice but,” his hip twitched back a bit, “I really want you to, you know?” His face was scarlet.

Lan Zhan immediately pulled back to present, the haze he felt lifting and words flooding back to him 

“You want me to fuck you?” Lan Zhan was still busy covering Wei Ying’s face in kisses, now peppering his eyebrows as the ability of speech found him again

“Lan Zhan!” he buried his face against Lan Zhan’s collarbone

“Am I wrong?” he nipped Wei Ying’s cheek, kissing it better after

“...no.” he rolled his hips back but the drag was a little dry, making him wince slightly

Lan Zhan flipped them over with a firm hold on Wei Ying’s hips, so Wei Ying was splayed on the bed. He pulled out slowly to apply some more lube, Wei Ying shuddered with the brief drop in temperature from Lan Zhan shifting off of him. Their bodies had found equilibrium and being separated felt wrong

Wei Ying spread his legs to make room for Lan Zhan once more, who was languidly stroking himself as one of his hands massaged into Wei Ying’s inner thigh

“Wei Ying, you are” he paused, searching for a word that could describe him, but everything seemed to fall flat, not being enough , so he had to settle a little, “gorgeous.” his hand trailed up towards Wei Ying’s abdomen, continuing his praise, “Perfect,” his fingers brushed through the thatch of hair at the base of his cock, “You are heavenly”

Wei Ying covered his eyes and groaned, “You can’t just say things like that!”

Lan Zhan ignored the protest, placing a line of kisses on Wei Ying’s sternum. His hands cupped Wei Ying’s sides, thumbs tracing over the V of his hips (his muscles were more defined now, softness reduced but not entirely gone). Wei Ying’s ankles hooked together around Lan Zhan’s lower back in a quiet urgence for more.

Lan Zhan indulged him, the blunt head of his cock brushing against Wei Ying, catching slightly on the rim. Wei Ying gasped rather lewdly, back arching hard. Lan Zhan felt the slight resistance of the first ring of muscle, but there was very little, Wei Ying had already been made to be accustomed to his thickness. It made something primal and possessive settle warm in his stomach. He was able to bottom out with minimal effort, rolling his hips slowly against Wei Ying’s.

Wei Ying panted under him, fingers digging into Lan Zhan’s shoulders, the movement he had set was enough to be teasing but nothing else

“Lan Zhan” his mouth hung open, a broken moan falling from his lips as Lan Zhan hooked one of Wei Ying’s legs over his arms and bent over him, spreading him more fully

Wei Ying keened and rocked his hips down. Lan Zhan licked into his open mouth as he slowly dragged himself out, thrusting back in almost equally as slowly. He continued the aching pace until Wei Ying was covered in a thin sheen of sweat and begging for him to go faster, harder. 

He drank in every detail of Wei Ying. Lan Zhan’s tongue flicked over his nipple, rolling the tip between his teeth

“ Fuck Lan Zhan, how do you feel so good?” 

Lan Zhan’s reply came in a hard thrust angled just right and a firm bite on Wei Ying’s collarbone. Wei Ying let out a punched out moan, he could feel himself leaking onto his stomach, it felt so dirty and so good at the same time.

He switched pace

The punched out threads of “ ah, ah, ah! ” pitched higher when they tumbled from Wei Ying’s lips, Lan Zhan fucking him hard and deep. Every other thrust dragging deliciously over his prostate

The slide of their bodies felt so perfect, like coming home. Lan Zhan let his mouth roam without restrain. He bit and sucked at Wei Ying’s skin, relishing in the moans that each one yielded. Every bite was followed by a soothing tongue, every hard suck followed by a tender kiss. Wei Ying’s skin bloomed with Lan Zhan’s affection, trailing over his pecs and sternum over his throat and jaw. Lan Zhan was rewarded with blunt nails clawing at his back in stinging lines that urged him further, harder. 

Absorbed in everything, every move, every pant, whine and murmur. 

“Please, please please please ” Wei Ying was babbling pleas into Lan Zhan’s mouth. With a few firm strokes of Lan Zhan’s hand on his cock, Wei Ying was coming over his hand and onto his own stomach with a sobbed moan that bordered on a scream, head smashing back into the pillows behind him as his body spasmed

Lan Zhan followed quickly after with how tightly Wei Ying’s muscles constricted around him, his thrusts fast as he chased his own end, spending into Wei Ying as muscles fluttered around his sensitive cock.

Lan Zhan held Wei Ying close to his chest as they both floated down from their post orgasmic highs. Lan Zhan’s eyes were firmly shut, cheek pressed to Wei Ying’s. He could feel Wei Ying’s lips pressing small, warm kisses on his cheek. The breath Lan Zhan took in was shaky, releasing the last bits of tension, he let a few tears roll from his eyes, Wei Ying’s hands tracing soothing circles over the red markings he had left over his shoulders.

“Lan Zhan” Wei Ying called, low and sweet. Lan Zhan turned his face to look into those silver eyes. Wei Ying brushed away the trail of a stray tear on Lan Zhan’s cheek, “I love you”

“I love you”

Wei Ying sniffed, nose wiggling slightly with it, “You know, after…” he blinked rapidly, probably trying to fend off tears, “after that one other time, when we first–” Lan Zhan knew what he meant, so he nodded against Wei Ying’s shoulder, “Yeah. It was the best I ever had and I tried chasing that for a while after” Lan Zhan frowned slightly, Wei Ying kissed the furrow of his eyebrows and it relaxed a bit, “but nobody, nothing, could ever compare to how you make me feel” he smiled down at Lan Zhan, “You ruined me for everyone else after that and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Mm, good,” he bit Wei Ying’s neck again, “won’t need anyone else”

“Wouldn’t want them anyway, just my Lan Zhan,” he tucked some of Lan Zhan’s hair behind his ear, “I’m sorry I took so long.” he was frowning now, genuinely saddened by the time it took to get here, home.

“Don’t apologize.” Lan Zhan kissed him firmly, “Not anymore.”

Wei Ying hummed non committally, still planning on a thousand different ways to make it up to his love.

Wei Ying’s cooling cum was smeared between their abdomens and had begun cooling, becoming a little sticky and uncomfortable. 

“Let me clean us” Lan Zhan mumbled into Wei Ying’s hair, kissing him again, gently

“Mm no.” Wei Ying wrapped his arms tighter around Lan Zhan’s neck, one of his legs thrown around his hips

Lan Zhan contemplated it for a minute before wrapping his arms securely around Wei Ying’s waist and rising to a kneeling position, slipping out of Wei Ying as he did so. Wei Ying gasped with the sudden movement, he could feel Lan Zhan’s cum dribbling out of him. He blushed and hid his face in Lan Zhan’s shoulder

“What are you– Lan Zhan!”

He stood with Wei Ying in his arms, making him wrap his legs around Lan Zhan’s waist as he carried him to the bathroom. Lan Zhan had Wei Ying cling to him as he carefully cleaned his messy hole. He glanced up and couldn’t look away. The large mirror reflected their image back at him. They were littered in markings they left on each other, skin flush and shining with the result of their arousal. Wei Ying clung to his front, hair spilling over Lan Zhan’s shoulder where his head rested. Lan Zhan squeezed him tighter to his chest and Wei Ying hummed.

“Lets shower?” Wei Ying suggested, “I feel king of… sticky everywhere and I wanna wash my hair”

“Okay” he kissed Wei Ying’s shoulder as he set him down, still holding his waist to make sure he was steady before entering his adjoined shower

The water was pleasantly warm as it crashed over them, Wei Ying soaked his hair first as Lan Zhan watched, hands rubbing idly at Wei Ying’s hips.

“Ya know, I’ve never showered with anyone before” he smiled at Lan Zhan, it was a shy smile as he rubbed his fingers into his own hair

“Me neither,” Lan Zhan replied. He looked to the shelves in the shower and pulled out Wei Ying’s shampoo, squirting some into his palms and rubbing it together

“Come here” 

Wei Ying stepped out from the water’s spray. Lan Zhan massaged the lather into his hair, Wei Ying’s eyes fluttered closed at the comfort of it. He kissed the slight part of Wei Ying’s lips, it was slippery with water and Wei Ying smiled against his mouth with a soft giggle. Lan Zhan guided him back into the water to rinse the soap. The water sluiced the soap and some of the leftover cum off his body.

Wei Ying blinked slowly at him, eyes warm with affection and a lazy smile on his lips “Your turn”

Lan Zhan let Wei Ying shuffle their positions and tussle his hair, saturating it in the water. Wei Ying did the same, pulling him out under the spray and working the lather into Lan Zhan’s hair, massaging his scalp and working it diligently throughout. Their chests were pressed together as they kissed, Wei Ying’s fingers still wound in Lan Zhan’s shampoo ladened hair, he shifted them back so he could rinse Lan Zhan’s hair while still capturing his lips, the spray of the shower catching on his lashes

When Lan Zhan worked conditioner through Wei Ying’s hair, he braided the length of it so it wouldn’t get rinsed out quite yet. Wei Ying returned the favor but couldn’t braid as well, so Lan Zhan wrapped his hair in a loose bun on top of his head, some of the hair falling out and framing his face

“Ah, I forgot a washcloth” Wei Ying sighed, “Sorry”

“Mm,” Lan Zhan kissed the nape of his neck, “I can use my hands for now” And he did. He rubbed the soap over Wei Ying’s body, scrubbing him down as best as he could. Nails lightly over his shoulders and across his arms, over his pecs and stomach,. Over his back and shoulder blades. The second pass of hands over his body, Lan Zhan worked over his muscles with the pads of his fingers. It was innocent, pure in its intimacy as they shared the moment together of bare skin and warm water. They weren’t trying to jump down each other's throats, they weren’t looking for anything in return for the touch. There was no heat beside the water. They were here to be here, to share the moment with each other. To share warm kisses and drown in each other's affection.

It was beautiful and intimate.

Like nothing he nor Wei Ying had ever experienced before.

They got to share a first.

It made Lan Zhan bubble with fondness.

When their shower finished, they pulled two fluffy towels. Lan Zhan sat Wei Ying on the bed and towel dried his hair so it wasn’t soaking, kissing his hairline. Wei Ying kept pouting that he wanted to dry Lan Zhan’s hair first, but did it second anyway. 

Lan Zhan helped Wei Ying change the very soiled sheets into new ones, Wei Ying’s legs still a little shaky as he ambled about the room

Satisfied with the shift of sheets, they shucked off the underwear they temporarily wore to grab new sheets (something didn’t feel quite right about changing the bedding fully naked, they had laughed about it) turned off the lights and curled together under the blankets.

Wei Ying threw a leg over Lan Zhan’s stomach and rested his cheek on his chest, sighing with satisfaction as he melted into his side. Lan Zhan wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer

“Lan Zhan”

“Mm?”

“I love you.”

Lan Zhan smiled to himself in the dark of the room, kissing the top of Wei Ying’s head

“I love you too.”

To know his love has been reciprocated, had been for years, did something to Lan Zhan’s heart. There was something sickeningly sweet, about being so far, so separate, and yet so in love, never fading. He grew warmer. Thinking about how Wei Ying’s love persisted over their time apart. Lan Zhan had given him nothing, no contact, no reason for that love to remain and bloom into something now so consuming in Wei Ying’s heart. All they had was their past and it was enough for Wei Ying’s love to stay sustained. Lan Zhan had given Wei Ying every opportunity to choose anyone else and in the end, he didn’t. 

He chose Lan Zhan. Only Lan Zhan.

His bones felt like warm jelly as he relaxed fully into the mattress, Wei Ying’s soft, sleepy  breaths puffing across his collarbones. 

They fell asleep tangled together, skin on skin on skin. The soft sheets holding them comfortably through the night

The following morning, Lan Zhan woke up first. 

He could hear the cooing of mourning doves, the open window let in the chill of the morning breeze. It was still dewy outside, the sun not woken enough to whisk away the moisture building on the earth outside.

The room, pillows, bedding all smelled like Wei Ying. With hints of Lan Zhan now mixed into it. Only broken by the wisps of grass and crisp wet plants wandering in on the breeze.

Wei Ying still clung to Lan Zhan’s chest. 

There was a small, slightly tacky spot on Lan Zhan’s skin where Wei Ying had drooled a bit and he couldn’t help but smile. Brushing the hair stuck to Wei Ying’s face away, Lan Zhan was careful not to wake him

He looked beautiful. 

Mouth ajar and chest rising and falling steadily, the comforter tucked under his chin. 

They hid from the cold of the morning, wrapped together in the comfort of the bedding. Away from the elements, hidden from the rest of the world. Snuggled in bed, home in each other's arms. Lan Zhan could cry. 

It was still five in the morning, so he let himself enjoy the luxury of well earned laziness, drifting off to sleep once more.

It was 7am when he woke again, but this time Wei Ying had been up before him. 

“Hi” Wei Ying whispered, arms folded on Lan Zhan’s chest, cheek resting over his hands as he stared up at Lan Zhan, dopey smile on his lips

So full of love

“Hi” Lan Zhan cupped his cheek, stroking the soft, warm skin with his thumb. Wei Ying tilted his head to lean into the touch. 

Instead of the cool tones of the early morning Lan Zhan had first seen, the room was now steeped in honey. Yellows and oranges breathed life into the room, leaving illuminated art over the curves of Wei Ying. His already sun-kissed skin seemed to glow under the pleasant rays and Lan Zhan was enamored. 

Lan Zhan traced the patterns of sunlight dappling Wei Ying’s cheek, neck and shoulders. Fingers gliding over his arms and back of his hands. He pulled one of Wei Ying’s hands to his lips and kissed each of his knuckles

“You spoil me, Lan Zhan” he was clearly smitten, eyes never leaving Lan Zhan’s

“Only for Wei Ying.” Wei Ying blushed at that, lunging up to cover Lan Zhan’s face in kisses

“You’re” a kiss on his chin, “Too,” one on his left cheek, “Good, “on the right, “To,” on his nose, “Me”, one on his forehead

Lan Zhan just hummed, guiding Wei Ying’s lips to his own. Kissing slowly in the warmth of the morning rays. 

It was all Lan Zhan had dreaded Wei Ying may have with another. But now it was his. His and his alone. 

They end up having sex again

Slow and sweet. Wei Ying straddled Lan Zhan, riding him with a lazy circling of his hips. It was more grinding than it was riding, shoving Lan Zhan deeper into himself with the rolls. 

Lan Zhan watched Wei Ying still cast in the gold of the morning sun, his moans were breathy and subdued, fluffy blankets pooled around Lan Zhan’s bent legs. They weren’t chasing pleasure, but taking the time to map every inch of their bodies again, indulging in what they had missed for so long. 

There was time now. They both assured one another. There was time for fast, hot passion. For roughness and the primal feelings they had succumbed to when they were younger. 

So instead they were slow. Savoring every second, watching every one of the other’s expressions until it was burned to the backs of their eyelids, until every moan and call of names could be played on a seamless loop in their minds.

Lan Zhan’s hands trailed over Wei Ying’s thighs and to his stomach, over his hips and ribs, Wei Ying was smiling down at him with parted lips, hands coming to loosely hold Lan Zhan’s wrists, following them on their exploration of Wei Ying’s body.

The build of pleasure was warm and fuzzy as it tingled along Lan Zhan’s pelvis, rocking his hips slightly to match Wei Ying’s movements

“I gotta warn you, Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying laughed dreamily, “I’m kind of insatiable. You’re probably gonna have to deal with a lot more of this.” he tightened around Lan Zhan’s cock as if to emphasize his point

“Good.” his fingers flexed on Wei Ying’s hips, digging into the plush flesh “I want it. All of it.”

“Fuck Lan Zhan,” his smile was radiant, “I’m gonna be glued to you whenever I can”

“Promise.” Lan Zhan’s voice was a little more ragged

“I promise, only for my Lan Zhan”

When they come it's tender and breathless with promises of tomorrow, and the next day, and every day after. 

I love you

I want to be with you

I won’t let go

I won’t run

Stay

I’ll stay

Everyday.

Forever and always 

Even though it had taken some time. 

They found their way home.