Chapter Text
Prologue
Sherlock? Sherlock! What are you doing?
This is what people do. This is my note.
Sherlock, no, please. Let’s talk this through. You don’t have to do this. Just step back from the edge and I’ll be right there. Wait for me and I’ll help you. Please.
I’m sorry, John. I’m so… I love you, John.
Sherlock! SHERLOCK!
*****
Goddammit, Mycroft. If you talked Sherlock into this like you did with my phony death, I’ll rip your fucking heart out!
Is that what you think? I assure you I have nothing to do with this. My broth…brother is dead. I’ve failed him utterly.
*****
Sherlock. Oh god, Sherlock. I was so alone and you’ve given me so much. I don’t deserve it. Mycroft says he failed you. He’s not the only one. God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Sherlock.
*****
Leave the drapes. I like it dark.
Come on, John. You could do with a little company. Sarah says you haven’t been to the surgery in weeks.
I’m not going back.
Come out for a walk then.
What do you want, Greg?
I want to help, damn it. I can’t watch you do this to yourself. Not after Sherlock.
Where the hell were we when he needed help?! Where was I, Greg? He was my husband and I didn’t even know. I didn’t see.
He was good at hiding things, John. You know that.
No. Not from me. I should’ve known. He was my life and I… Get out, Greg. Just get out.
*****
Hello, John. How are you?
Did Greg ask you to check on me?
Yes, and Myc.
Well, you have and I’m fine. Now go.
John, it’s been weeks. When did you eat last?
I appreciate your concern, Molly, but just go.
John, you can’t do this to yourself.
Why the hell not? Why should I be allowed to live when he’s gone? Do you know what I did to him? Do you?! I pretended to be dead. I made him suffer the worst pain in life and then just came back.
That’s not how it happened, John.
It led him straight to this, either way.
You can’t blame yourself.
It’s my fault, Molly! I wasn’t there for him and I tortured him while I was at it. I murdered him.
John, stop it.
As readily as if I’d pushed him. Leave, Molly. Leave me alone.
*****
I’m not going back to the surgery, Sarah.
My god, John, I don’t care about that. I’m worried about you. It’s been two months and…
And what? I haven’t forgotten my husband and moved on with my life?
No one’s asking you to forget him.
Bullshit.
We can’t just watch you waste away like this. We love you too much.
Don’t. Just don’t, Sarah.
Madeleine would love to see her Uncle John again.
Tell her he’s dead.
*****
John Watson, get up out of that chair, eat that soup and call Ella this instant.
Oh, Mrs. Hudson…
Don’t you sass me, young man. You haven’t the energy for it. You are going to get yourself back in order and start having three square meals again. Four, if I have anything to say about it.
Go away, Mrs. Hudson.
And do what? Come back in a few days with the coroner? Not on my watch. You are not going to kill yourself over this, John Watson. Sherlock would never want that for you.
Don’t say his name.
I’ll do what I damn well please, John Watson, and don’t you forget it. I had a drug dealer husband, and looked after Sherlock for years. He’s more than a little difficult, let me tell you. Now I’ve had enough of this fatalistic nonsense. Get up and come to the table at once. Can you even walk?
I don’t need your help.
Don’t lie to me, young man. I can see right through you.
*****
If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re actually delighted to see me.
I am, John, I am. Still can’t believe I’m at the pub with you after all this time.
Well, you have Hudders to thank for it.
Knew all along she was the only one who could talk some sense into you.
She’s a bloody drill sergeant. I think she’s claimed me as a proper son now.
She did that ages ago. So, it’s going well with Ella then?
Yeah, it’s good. She’s actually really helped a lot. I have more work to do, but it’s been two months now. Four since…then. … Well, anyway, I’m going to try starting at the surgery again.
That’s fantastic, mate!
Just two shifts a week at first. I’m not to push myself. In the past, I would have without a second thought, but things are different now. You know, for the first time in a long time, I feel like things are working out, Greg. I really do.
I’m glad to hear it, John. Truly. I know it sounds daft, but I’ve missed you.
Me too. Thanks for sticking it out. It means a lot.
*****
So, four months back at the surgery, is it?
Yes. Full-time for the last two.
And it’s going well?
It is. I’m really very pleased.
Good, John, and you’ve resumed most typical activities too. I must say I’m impressed. You’ve worked very hard.
I can’t take all the credit. I never could’ve managed without my friends.
You’re very fortunate to have them.
Believe me, Ella, I know.
Well, I think our time is nearly at an end. There’s just one thing we haven’t been able to tackle. Do you know what it is?
I think so. Yeah. Yes, I do.
The things you’ve wanted to say, but have held inside.
Yes.
Say them now.
I…I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t.