Chapter Text
Rand smoothed his hands down his shirt, hoping he didn't stink too badly. The last time he'd had a chance to wash had been in a shallow stream weeks ago.
Still, the crowd around him seemed to have smells enough of their own, so he would hopefully pass unnoticed.
He shouldn't be here, not around so many people, but after being on his own for long, it had been hard to resist Cairhien when it had appeared on the horizon. Though he wasn't in Cairhien proper and had no real intentions of going there. This Foregate, a sprawling secondary city around Cairhien itself, was interesting enough for his taste. Everyone was dressed so colorfully here, enough to make him wonder if it was a festival day.
The scent of baking breads and roasting meats wafted out of a nearby tavern and Rand rubbed at his stomach. He'd mostly eaten wild game while he'd been on his own, caught and cleaned and cooked as best he was able. What his father had taught him provided enough to get by on but, Light, he missed fresh-baked bread.
Rand let himself move with the crowd, feeling overwhelmed but enjoying it. He didn't try to figure out a destination — he would spend the day here and then he would pull himself away from the city and from people, continue on with his wandering.
He hadn't touched the One Power since that day at the Eye of the World with Moiraine, but he felt the temptation of it every day. Some days, he felt it every hour. He couldn't stay here, where there were people he might hurt. But he could visit for a few hours. Surely he could have that much.
Rand kept one hand on his sword hilt and the other near his traveling bag with the sa'angreal that Moiraine had given him. He'd thought about tossing the small figurine down a tall cliff — he'd certainly passed by enough of them on his journey — but it had helped save the world, and throwing it away seemed like poor thanks for such a gift.
After allowing the crowd to drift him this way and that for a while longer, Rand was starting to feel like it was time to head back out of Foregate and into the direction of unclaimed land southward.
He thought it might be nice to see the ocean before he died.
Then he glanced down a busy street and his feet planted themselves in the ground, the crowd parting around him now as they bustled on in various directions.
Rand studied the man in disbelief.
His dark hair was longer now, enough so that he needed to reach up every now and then to push it back as he flirted with the stall vendor. His beard was shorter, or not so much shorter but a different shape — the sides were shaved off, that was the difference. His clothes were still as messy and disheveled as ever but… finer fabrics, more vibrant shades, cut more tightly against the silhouette of his body.
He finished paying for his food — a meat pie, it looked to be — and, after one last smile to the vendor, he started walking away.
As if drawn by a tether, Rand followed.
This way and that, they wandered, seemingly at random. Rand's feet tugged onward without needing to consider the matter.
Then, Rand turned a corner and none of the faces were the one he was looking for, as far along as the street went.
"No." The word came out more loudly than Rand would have liked, drawing a few startled looks. He glanced around, searching. A small alleyway nearby. Perhaps there. He darted inside-
-and found himself pushed up onto his toes, an arm pressing him back against the wall of the alley, and a knife against his throat.
"Why are you fol… Rand?"
"Mat," he breathed out. It was Mat. His hair was longer, his beard was strangely cut, and he looked healthier than he ever had, but it was Mat. Why was Mat in Cairhien?
"Why didn't you call out?" Mat asked.
He was still pressing Rand up against the wall. His arm felt implacable against Rand's chest, like he could keep it there all night, and Rand could feel the blade pushing against his skin every time he breathed in. Distantly, Rand felt grateful that Mat wasn't pressed quite close enough to feel that Rand was half-hard. He… he hadn't realized he liked this sort of thing. Was it the dagger or was it Mat? He hadn't felt like this when-
Rand took in another shaky breath, throat pressing against the blade and, this time, Mat noticed. He pulled the knife away quickly, lowered his arm so that Rand's heels could hit the ground again.
"Blood and ashes, I could have-" Mat tucked the dagger away into his clothing, then reached back up and rubbed his fingers against Rand's neck. Ah. It hadn't been the dagger that had made Rand feel like that. It was good to know, he supposed, though he doubted he would get much use out of the information. "I nicked you. No worse than you'd get shaving, but still. I could have killed you, Rand. Why didn't you let me know it was you?"
His gaze flicked down over Rand's clothes and he frowned.
"This is what you were wearing when you went through the Ways," he said. "What you were wearing when we left home." His hand was still on Rand's throat, like he'd forgotten it was there. "Still you- if you're here, then Moiraine must have let you go. It's not-" Mat laughed, joyous and loud. "Oh, Light, it isn't you."
And he tugged Rand into a hug, pressing his face into Rand's shoulder.
"I'm sorry I didn't come with you," Mat said, a bit muffled against Rand's clothing, as Rand tentatively returned the hug. Mat didn't know about him. He… he hadn't thought about that before this moment. Mat didn't know. "It's wonderful to see you, Rand."
Mat sounded so relieved that Rand wasn't the Dragon Reborn.
After a while, Mat pulled away and studied Rand's face, touched Rand's hair, even longer than it would have been the last time Mat had seen him. "I'm almost afraid to ask which of them it is," he said. He cupped Rand's face with a warm palm. "But at least it isn't you."
Rand closed his eyes, for just a moment.
Then he managed a smile. "It's good to see you too, Mat. I missed you."
Maybe he could have this evening, to keep as a memory for later. He could talk with Mat, find out how he got to Cairhien. Then he could beg off, say that he had a room somewhere in the city and take that opportunity to slip back into the countryside and on his way. Mat would be annoyed at Rand for disappearing, but he would know that Rand was alive, at least, and he wouldn't- he wouldn't know…
"I was just on my way back to the White Goose. That's where I've been staying," Mat said, slinging an arm around Rand's shoulders and pulling them both into a walk. "There's an unbelievable surprise there. You'll be thrilled."
"Another one?" Rand asked, but at Mat's curious look, he amended it to, "Lead on."
Mat chatted up a storm as he took them back to his inn, though nothing of particular consequence — local gossip, mostly. The inn that he was staying at was at least four times as big as the Winespring at home, and the sign out front was a swaying goose, though the white had mostly chipped off to show plain brown wood underneath. Even as he tugged Rand inside the door, Mat kept one arm around Rand's shoulders.
The surprise that Mat had mentioned was obvious from the moment they entered.
That voice was unmistakable.
"Thom." Rand let Mat pull him over to a corner table with a good view of the stage. "He's alive?"
"Good surprise, isn't he?" Mat said, with a pat to his shoulder, and then he turned to the serving girl and talked familiarly with her for a few minutes as Rand watched Thom perform. It was a more rousing song tonight, one about the Hunt for the Horn of Valere. Just a legend, Rand supposed, much like the Last Battle itself. It had been much quieter than the tales had led him to believe it would be.
He saw it when Thom spotted him, in a flickering of the eyes, though there wasn't so much as a pause in the music.
Then Rand felt Mat tug at his shoulder again, and he was surprised to realize there was a bowl of stew, a crusty slice of bread, a wedge of cheese, and an ale in front of him, all on a large serving platter. Awkward and apologetic, he looked towards the serving girl and said, "I'm sorry. I can't- I can't pay for this. I don't have any… I can't pay." He'd used up the last of his coin weeks ago, in a brief stop in a town where fruit had been much more expensive than he'd ever known it to be in his life.
"On the house," she said cheerfully, and there wasn't a whisker of surprise on her face. "For being friends with the gleeman and his apprentice." She gave him a smile, gave Mat a smile and a wink, and then spun away into the crowd, already heading to another table.
"You don't even have enough for a meal," Mat confirmed quietly, and Rand flushed. It hadn't mattered much, when he was getting all his food from hunting and a bit of discrete… foraging, but now that he was in a city-
-but he wasn't staying. It was fine that he didn't have any coin, because he wasn't staying.
"Hey, hey, you think I'm going to judge you for that?" Mat asked, and Rand glanced back up at him. Sympathy, yes, but not- no pity. "Did Moiraine really simply abandon you in the wilds because you weren't the- well, I suppose I'm not surprised." And there was an odd bitterness to that last bit. When they were in the Ways, Rand had- he'd been worried that Moiraine had said something to Mat, something that had made him decide not to come along. Had she said something to him?
"She didn't abandon me," Rand clarified. "I left. On my own."
"With no coin and no change of clothes," Mat said, doubt in his voice. "And no friends. Are all the rest of them with Moiraine still?"
"I'm not certain," Rand said. He didn't even know if Moiraine had gone along with his plan. It hadn't been a lie, anyway. He hadn't meant it to be a lie. "I don't know."
His plan of lying about having a room at another inn wouldn't work anymore. Mat knew he didn't have any money. He wouldn't- he wouldn't believe it, if Rand tried to say he already was staying somewhere else. It had been a foolish plan anyway. Mat would have asked which inn and Rand wouldn't have had a name. He'd never been any good at lying to people who knew him well.
He was going to have to tell Mat the truth.
For the best, really, now that he thought about it. On his own, he hadn't been able to do what needed to be done. His courage had always failed him at the last moment. Mat could- could help him. He might even want to. He'd promised.
"I hate to ask," Rand said, looking down at the stew. "But- but can I-"
"Of course, you can," Mat said, not letting Rand finish. "We need to catch up anyway, don't we? It makes sense that you'd spend the night in my room. And then, tomorrow, we can figure out if you want to- I'm sure Thom wouldn't mind a second apprentice now that we don't have anyone chasing us. Hurry up and eat something. You're making me hungry just looking at you."
Rand wasn't that hungry. He'd had something to eat this morning, he was fairly sure.
Still, Mat was looking at him expectantly, so Rand ate.
Fresh-baked bread was as good as he remembered it being.
He let himself imagine what it might be like, being Thom's apprentice. Staying here in Cairhien or wandering the world but not- not alone. With Mat and with Thom. Learning music and listening to Thom's stories about the world, and about the legends from the Age before this one. Light, he could hardly believe that Thom was alive.
The food lasted all the way through Thom's set, and then he was making his way over to their table, after carefully putting his guitar away, stowed in a place near the stage. The two of them must have been here for a while.
Thom had a limp, Rand noticed. He hadn't gotten away from the Fade entirely unscratched.
"It's good to see you, lad," Thom said. He waved in the direction of one of the servers, mouthed something that Rand couldn't make out. "Mat told me everything. It's one of your friends, then, that she wanted? Ah, don't tell me here, not in the middle of a crowd."
"How did you-" then Rand hesitated. "Probably also not a story for the crowd."
Another platter appeared in front of him, as the first was whisked away. He glanced around for the serving boy, but only saw the back of him as he left.
"Thom, I can't… I can't pay you back for this," Rand said. Thom scoffed.
"You're alive. That's payment enough," he said, and Rand's eyes dropped down to the platter. Could he eat another stew and some more bread and cheese? He thought perhaps he could.
"Thank you. Both of you," Rand said, because his father had raised him better and it was time that he showed it. Just because he was embarrassed was no reason not to be grateful as well. "The Hunt for the Horn?"
"They've called for one down in Illian," Thom said, and he and Mat had food now, too, and were tucking away at it, so it felt less odd for Rand to continue eating as well. "Perhaps they'll even find it this time, if what Mat tells me about your friends is true."
"Mat doesn't lie," Rand said, surprised by how forcefully it came out.
"It's alright, Rand," Mat said, sounding confused, and it wasn't until he put a hand on Rand's shoulder that Rand realized he was shaking. How could he be so angry at Thom for such a small thing? "He wasn't- he wasn't saying that I was lying."
He leaned into Mat's hand and let Mat soothe him.
"I'm sorry," he said, gaze flicking up towards Thom, who looked concerned, his eyes shadowed. "I know you didn't mean it like that. And I'm glad to see you, Thom. It's been a long day. That's all."
He was just tired of people making assumptions about Mat. And he'd been alone for so long. Months, he thought, though he couldn't be certain. He'd lost track of the days a while back. It wasn't anything to do with- it wasn't anything to do with that. He hadn't gone… gone sour, like Thom's nephew. He hadn't been using the One Power, so his anger couldn't be because of the corruption. He just- he'd been the only person defending Mat, back in Fal Dara, and some part of him was still keyed up from it, all this time afterwards. Even Nynaeve had been more concerned about the odd love triangle between him, Egwene, and Perrin that she'd cooked up in her head than she'd been about what Egwene had said about Mat.
"You need sleep, lad," Thom said, though he still looked thoughtful. "Has Mat-"
"I told him he could stay with me for the night," Mat said, cutting through Thom's words. Thom didn't look offended by the interruption, and he was studying- studying Mat's hand, still on Rand's shoulder. Had Thom made the same assumption about Rand and Mat that Dana had, that night in Breen's Spring? He'd never said anything to imply it when they were traveling together.
"I am tired," Rand admitted. He'd had trouble sleeping for months now, ever since Winternight. He'd hoped that it would get better now that the Dark One was dead, but some of the nightmares had stuck around. "It's been- it's been a while since I slept in a bed." He didn't think he was admitting to anything that Mat — and probably Thom — hadn't already guessed from Rand's empty coin purse.
He hadn't been in a bed since the night that he and Egwene had- had said goodbye, in a manner of speaking. And he hadn't slept much that night, mostly waited for her to fall asleep so that he could… could slip away. To talk to Min and confirm his suspicions, then go to Moiraine.
"Let's find some rest, then," Mat said, with an unfamiliar edge of determination in his voice. He tugged Rand back up out of his chair and wrapped his arm around Rand's shoulder again. "Want me to knock on your door in the morning so that we can all talk?"
"Sounds like a fine plan, as long as you don't do it too early," Thom said. "No farmboy hours."
"Not a farmboy," Mat said, in a manner of a long-repeated line. "Sleep well, Thom."
Thom waved them away.
As they made their way to the stairs, it felt like half the room said 'good night' to Mat and knew him by name. Certainly all the servers did, and most of them gave him a grin and a wink. Some of them winked at Rand, too, just by association.
Mat's room wasn't as big as the rooms in Fal Dara had been, but it had a bed wide enough for two people, a nightstand with a drawer, and a large wardrobe in the corner. There was a mirror, too, long and skinny, standing up next to the wardrobe.
Before anything else, Mat pulled them both to sit on the edge of the bed. "We can talk in peace now. Bloody ashes, Rand, it is good to see you." Unexpectedly, he ruffled Rand's hair. "I suppose you'd better tell me which of our friends is the unlucky one."
No.
Rand managed to keep himself from saying it out loud, at least. But, Light, he didn't want to lose this. Mat was the only one of his friends who could look at him right now and not see the Dragon Reborn. Egwene, Nynaeve, and Perrin… they'd all heard what Moiraine had said. As soon as they'd realized that he and Moiraine were both missing, they would have realized the truth about him as well.
"Can we talk about your journey first?" Rand asked, aware that it came out as pleading. Mat's face was understanding and he- ah, he was assuming it was Egwene. That's what that face meant. "Did- did Moiraine say something to you, to make you not enter the Waygate?"
Mat shook his head. "I was just a coward."
"You are not a coward," Rand said fiercely. There was only one coward in the room right now. "You're the best man that I know." That would make it easier, when Rand asked him to- Mat would understand why it was necessary. Mat was staring at him now. His face looked odd, with that new cut for his beard. It looked more deliberate, this way, instead of just like Mat couldn't be bothered to shave. "What- what happened, then? You sounded so bitter about Moiraine, but she did heal you, Mat."
He scoffed, scooted backwards on the back so that he could press his back against the well. Rand half-turned on the bed, pulling up a knee, so that he could face Mat more easily.
"She sent the flaming Red Ajah after me," Mat said, and Rand-
-went blank. The emotionless clarity of the void rushed around him, almost protectively, swamping and drowning out the sudden tidal wave of fury that washed around the outside of it. He'd finally trusted her, there at the end. He'd-
Mat was still talking, though he kept a careful watch on Rand's face. "They found me in Tar Valon. Tried to bloody gentle me. When it failed, one of them laughed and said that was the last time they'd follow up on a tip from Moiraine Damodred. Said her family name like it was a curse word. Then they dumped me back onto the streets, still half-dazed from the way they roughed me up when they captured me. That's where Thom found me. I thought I was delirious at first, seeing him alive."
"She sent the Red Ajah after you," Rand repeated dully. He became aware that his hands were drawn into tight fists, so he loosened them, with some effort. She must have- must have done it as soon as they'd arrived at Fal Dara. Sent a message back. By bird, perhaps. She hadn't breathed a word of it to any of them.
Light, and she had been the one Aes Sedai who'd wanted to help Rand.
If Mat really had been the Dragon, or just a man who could channel, then Moiraine would have turned him into a shell of himself, like Logain Ablar had been. Why? Because she hadn't believed that Mat was capable of- capable of making the right choices? For that, she would have stripped him of himself? Had she already been planning on doing that to Mat when she'd been talking about a darkness inside him?
"I'm fine now," Mat said. "Better than I ever was at home." It was a touch wistful, though. He must be missing his sisters something terrible. "But I doubt I'll ever trust an Aes Sedai again, not even an inch. Nasty trick to play on a man, sending those ladies after me just because I didn't fall in line with her plans."
Rand carefully captured the anger roaring around the edges of the void. Fed it into the flame so that he could stay calm. Yes, he doubted that he would ever trust an Aes Sedai again either.
"She shouldn't have done that," he said gently, and it was the smallest fraction of what he wanted to say. "I'm sorry, Mat."
Mat shrugged. "At least we're both well away from her." More carefully, he added, "Do you feel up to talking?"
He didn't. But he had to-
He had to tell Mat the truth.
He took a moment before he did it to study Mat's face. The way Mat looked at him now, before he knew about Rand. He'd been angry about what Moiraine had done, but had softened as he'd continued on. Even softer now that he was trying to coax Rand into telling him what had happened after the Ways. Mat would never look at him this way again, like a friend.
"I need your help," he started with, and at least he had the steadiness of the void around him, so that he could make it through what he needed to say. "It's not- it's not Egwene, Mat. It's not Perrin or Nynaeve. It's me. I'm the Dragon Reborn."
"But Moiraine let you go," Mat said, straightening up from his slouch against the wall.
Rand nodded, with a sense of relief. It was almost over, now.
"She took me to the Eye of the World," he said, and that calm had settled into his bones now that he'd said it. He couldn't take it back. "And I faced the Dark One. He's gone. She let me go because the world doesn't need me anymore."
Mat shook his head.
"When we were in Tar Valon." And Rand couldn't look at Mat now, dropped his eyes down to his own hands, which were rubbing each other anxiously, even though Rand didn't feel anxious. But Mat's denial would fade away any moment and Rand didn't think he could watch it happen. "We made each other a promise. That we wouldn't let each other-" The void shivered around him. "The world doesn't need me anymore." That was the simplest way to put it. "I tried to do it myself, but I- I need help, Mat. I can't go through with it on my own."
"You tried to kill yourself," Mat said, and Rand couldn't read his tone. Was he upset that Rand had tried? Upset that Rand had failed? Upset that Rand had waited this long to be honest with him?
"I'm sorry," he said, a blanket apology for any of the options. "It's a terrible thing to ask you to do, even if it is necessary."
"Thom told me about his nephew," Mat said. Why was he changing the subject? "He saw that I was worried about you, so he told me about Owyn. About how he was too late to help his nephew, and that was why he took us under his wing. We've talked about it a lot, these last few weeks."
Mat touched his shoulder and he shivered, though he forced himself to stillness again afterwards.
"You don't want to die, Rand," Mat said firmly. "I know that you don't want to die."
What Rand wanted didn't figure into things. He was dangerous. The last Dragon had killed his whole family — his wife, his children, everyone that he loved — and Rand would do the same, if someone didn't stop him.
"It doesn't matter," he said. "What I want. It doesn't matter."
What would he do if Mat refused to help? Rand already knew he wasn't capable of doing it himself. And he wasn't capable of going to Tar Valon, either, and asking the Red Ajah to gentle him. Even the thought made him want to break out into a cold sweat.
"Does what I want matter?" Mat asked.
And, Light, of course it did. That was the entire point of what Rand had done at the Eye of the World, when the Dark One had tried to convince him to remake the world according to his own desires, with Egwene as his wife, and a daughter and… and Mat there as well, just out of sight. Of course what Mat wanted mattered. Rand nodded.
"Well, I don't want you to die," Mat said as if it were obvious, as if Rand should have known it already. "So I suppose you better stay alive."
"You don't understand," Rand said, as reasonably as he could manage. "I can channel, Mat. I can- and I will again. I won't be able to stop myself. I've managed to keep myself from doing it, ever since the Eye, but it is…" Ecstasy and torment. He laughed. "Like drowning in shit and having an orgasm at the same time. It was the best and worst I'd felt in my life. Even- even how bad the corruption feels won't keep me from trying to reach for it." When he'd been holding the One Power, he'd been so aware of himself and everything around him. It was like the world had been magnified in scope and brilliance. "I need to be put down." Maybe it would be easier if Mat thought of it that way, as if Rand were a rabid dog, or a horse with a broken leg.
"I disagree," Mat said, like the matter was up for debate. He rubbed his hand along Rand's shoulders. How could he stand to even touch Rand, right now? "You'll feel better after some sleep." As if Rand were Bode or Eldrin, and was just being cranky because he hadn't had a nap recently. "Let's get your boots off."
He pulled Rand's bent knee further onto the bed so that he could lean over and get at Rand's boot. Rand stared at the top of his head in bafflement.
After Mat removed the first boot, he pulled Rand further up onto the bed to get at the second one. Soon it, too, thumped onto the floor. then Mat tackled Rand's sword, carefully placing the sheathed sword on the nightstand.
"Can you get to sleep without company?" Mat asked, and Rand blinked at him, a flush racing through him even as he told himself that Mat couldn't mean it like that. "I still have trouble, even now."
And that was like a bucket of cold water. Right, of course, Mat meant because Rand might have nightmares. They'd both had trouble sleeping on the road to Tar Valon at times. So sometimes they'd slept next to each other. It had been perfectly innocent. Rand wished he hadn't had that flash of arousal earlier. It was making him think all sorts of odd things.
"I haven't been sleeping well," Rand admitted. Mostly he'd grabbed an hour or two under a tree and not much more than that. He regretted saying it a moment later, when Mat started pulling his own boots off. He couldn't have- have Mat in the same bed with him. It would have been fine before, but this wasn't before. But then Mat was shoving him over on the bed and he supposed that it was too late to protest. And what could he say? We can't sleep in the same bed anymore because my cock likes it when you push me up against walls?
So Rand resolutely turned onto his side. Mat would realize in the morning that he didn't want Rand around anyway, so he only had to make it through one night.
And all that earlier had likely only happened because it had been so long since Rand had been touched by another person. He just wasn't used to being touched anymore, after the weeks of wandering alone. His reaction didn't have anything to do with Mat at all, now that he thought it through reasonably.
"Are the others alright?" Mat asked, settling into the bed behind Rand.
"I don't know." And there was a catch in his voice this time. "I think so. I stopped the Dark One, so they must be fine." Egwene off to the White Tower to become Aes Sedai. Perrin and Nynaeve headed back to the Two Rivers, maybe. "Mat, did it- did it hurt when the Red Ajah tried to-"
"You are not going back to Tar Valon," Mat said firmly, wrapping an arm around Rand's chest and tugging him into a hug. "I will tie you to this bed to keep you from leaving, if I have to. You aren't going there. Do you understand?"
Light, Rand wished that Mat hadn't put it quite that way. Now he had the thought of it in his head, Mat looping ropes around his wrists and then around the-
"I understand," he said. Too quietly to be heard at first, so he had to repeat himself. "I understand, Mat. I won't- I won't go to Tar Valon." He hadn't wanted to anyway but he- he should want to. He should care enough about innocent people that he would be willing to do that to himself. "But what am I going to do?"
"Moiraine really just let you leave," Mat said, thoughtfully. "She didn't try to gentle you."
"She tried to talk me out of going," Rand admitted. "But she didn't try to- no."
"We'll see if Thom has any ideas in the morning," Mat said. "But it can't really be as dangerous as the stories say, not if Moiraine just let you walk away."
Rand wasn't sure if he believed that, but it was enough for him to let his guard down for just this one night, perhaps.
Rough woven strands of rope, wrapping securely around his wrists.
Rand opened his eyes, and knew somehow that he was in a dream.
He was still on that same bed, but his arms were over his head and Mat was straddling his body as he- as he tied Rand's wrists to the headboard, like he'd threatened to do when Rand was awake. Rand twisted his wrists and he could feel the friction of the rope against his skin. He could feel the weight of Mat's body on top of his, feel the slight pressure of Mat's thighs against his hips.
"There we go," Mat said, his voice cheerful. "Can't be taking yourself off to Tar Valon now."
Rand could feel Mat pat his forearms reassuringly, and then he was sitting back down, in the cradle of Rand's hips. Light, it felt so real. Mat looked real too, and felt real, but Rand could tell that he was part of the dream.
"Thank you," he said, and it came out whispery and fragile. He didn't think he'd ever sounded like that in real life. "Thank you, Mat."
He felt warm, all over. Flushed, he supposed. It wasn't quite the same as the shivery feeling he'd had when Mat had pushed him up against that wall, but it was a neighbor to that feeling, maybe. Mat was looking at Rand the way he'd looked at that meat pie vendor, the way that he'd looked at so many of the girls back home in the Two Rivers. Rand hadn't realized that he'd wanted Mat to look at him that way.
"Kiss me," Rand said but it sounded too demanding, so he frowned, changed it to, "Please kiss me, Mat."
But Mat just tilted his head and smiled. "Are you sure you want it? I thought you could do better than me, if you felt like going for a man."
A version of his own words from- from months ago, forever ago, talking to Dana. If he hadn't already known this was a dream, then that would have made it certain. Mat hadn't heard that conversation. Rand licked his lips. Did it again when he realized how carefully Mat was watching his mouth. "Please, Mat." He hadn't been much interested in women like that, either, until the first time Egwene had kissed him, and then he'd been interested in her. It was... possible... that perhaps Rand didn't know himself very well. "I want it."
Mat shifted his hips on top of Rand and Rand was- was achingly hard. Mat hadn't even kissed him yet. "I think I need more convincing. Lots of people enjoy my company, Rand. I don't need to settle."
Rand thought of all the men and women downstairs who had winked at Mat when Mat had been whisking Rand off to his room. And Mat had always been popular with the women of the Two Rivers. More convincing. Rand could-
"I missed you so much," he said and he was able to soften his voice to make it sound coaxing and not sad. "You're my best friend, Mat. My favorite person. I'd rather spend time with you than anyone else in the world."
"Lovely paean to our friendship," Mat agreed, settling the palm of his hand on Rand's bare stomach. Warm and a little rough. Rand shivered. "Already knew all that. Tell me something I don't know."
Something that wasn't about their friendship.
"I like your mouth," Rand told him. "I like- I've watched you kissing girls, back home. I liked watching." It was true, though Rand had never considered what it might mean before. "Your hands are-" the way that Mat had touched his neck earlier today, fingers rubbing against his skin. "-I like the way they feel when you're touching me." He couldn't help himself, he had to ask again, "Kiss me, Mat?" He tugged helplessly at the ropes. "Please?"
Mat leaned over him and Rand's breathing was unsteady and-
-and all of a sudden, he got the oddest feeling that he was being watched, pinpricks of awareness along his skin.
"You want to be tied up and powerless. Not a terrible look, though honestly not what I'd come to expect from you."
A woman's voice. Unfamiliar. Rand turned his head, trying to find out who-
And woke up.
He was, embarrassingly though perhaps not surprisingly, all tangled up in Mat and just as hard as he'd been in the dream.
What an odd- well, he couldn't be shocked that he'd dreamed about sex with Mat. Not after the thoughts that he'd had yesterday. But that last bit, feeling like another person was there watching him... it had felt different than the rest of the dream, more like how it had been when the Dark One was giving him nightmares. A woman's voice, but it hadn't been Egwene or any other woman that he already knew.
Did he- did he want someone to watch him having sex? That didn't feel like- but it had been in his dream, so maybe that's what it meant.
Rand turned his attention to his more immediate problem. It was mostly his fault — his hand was inside Mat's shirt somehow and his leg was hitched over Mat's hip — but Mat's arm was curled around his waist, making getting himself loose more than a little difficult.
This hadn't been much of an issue on the road. Mat had always been protectively curled in on himself — around the dagger, Rand supposed, though he hadn't realized it at the time — so sleeping next to him had been more a matter of Rand's arms occasionally ending up in the wrong spot and not much more. This was... was much more involved. He couldn't move his leg without jostling Mat, maybe badly enough that he would wake up. His hand, now, maybe was a problem that he could solve.
Carefully, Rand slid his hand down and out of Mat's shirt, trying not to focus on his chest hair or the skin of his stomach or the way Rand brushed his wrist against the soft bulge in Mat's trousers by mistake as he was pulling his hand away. What did Mat's dick look like? Was it the same as Rand's? It had to mostly be the same. They'd gone swimming together in the summers, of course, but they hadn't needed to strip all the way down for that, even on the hottest days. Rand knew what Mat's chest looked like, but he didn't know what-
His hand safely retrieved, Rand looked into figuring out his next step.
Mat's hand around his waist. It was keeping Rand from moving enough to shift his leg. Rand reached backwards, carefully wrapped his fingers around Mat's wrist, holding his breath and waiting a moment, to see if Mat reacted. Nothing happened, so he gently pulled on Mat's wrist-
-Mat was holding onto to Rand's shirt, even in his sleep. It wouldn't be difficult to break his hold, but it seemed likely to wake Mat up.
And then Mat sighed, his hand clutching onto Rand's shirt more tightly and his- Light, his hips rocking against Rand's.
Rand bit down on his lip, to keep himself from making a noise that might wake Mat up. Feeling Mat move against him like that hadn't done anything to settle down his cock. It took everything he had not to push his own hips back against Mat's. But Mat was asleep and that would be taking advantage. Maybe he could move his leg without waking Mat up, if he- Rand braced himself on his elbow, tilted himself back on his hip so that he could gently lift his leg and straighten it out so that he wasn't crammed up against Mat like he'd been.
He assessed the situation again — Mat was still asleep. Rand had known him for years and was aware of all of his fake-sleeping looks, so he was genuinely asleep. Of course, he was. Why would Mat bother to pretend? Rand was the one who- who was out of the habit of touching people and had accidentally gotten himself all worked up over his best friend. "I'm a fool," he told Mat quietly, studying Mat's face closely. His mouth, which Rand's dream-self had confessed to liking. Ashes, he did like it, didn't he? He liked the way it was framed by Mat's facial hair, liked how dark it was and the way his lips were slightly parted even now, in his sleep. And the new cut of his beard was strange, but Rand was getting used to the shape of it, how it made his face look slightly different than before. Older, Rand thought. It made Mat look a touch older. "I'm the biggest fool in the whole world."
Mat wouldn't get angry at him for being attracted, but he likely would be amused by it, which would almost be worse.
It might be safe to wake Mat up now. Rand's dick wasn't pressed right up against him anymore.
"Mat," he said, more loudly than before. Rand glanced over at the window. It looked like it was still dark outside. Rand hadn't slept for long. Maybe Mat needed more sleep. Even in Emond's Field, Mat was the one of them least likely to keep to farmers' hours, going to bed late and waking up even later. Still, Rand couldn't just lie here and spend hours staring at Mat's face, yet he also wasn't sure if he wanted to try to go back to sleep. That woman's voice, there at the very end. It had- it had shaken him, a bit. Rand cautiously reached up to pat Mat's face gently. "Mat, wake up."
He was prepared for Mat to stay sleeping or else to startle awake, but Mat woke up slowly. His hand flexed against Rand's back, finally releasing his shirt. He stretched in the bed, which brought his body much too close to Rand's again. And his eyes blinked opened lazily, lovely eyes finally focusing on Rand.
Lovely? How long had Rand thought that Mat's eyes were-
"Hello, Rand, fancy seeing you here," Mat said, in a husky, sleepy voice. "Feeling any better this morning?"
His arm was still resting on Rand's waist, but casually now.
"Fine," Rand croaked out. "I'm fine."
"See, you just needed some proper rest," Mat said, with a hint of smugness. "No more nonsense about hurting yourself or running off to let the Red Ajah hurt you, hmm?"
Tie me up and make me stay-
Rand took in a shuddering breath, glad that the words hadn't managed to slip out. Light. "No more nonsense," he agreed faintly, even though his mind seemed to be nothing but nonsense this morning. "It's- it's probably too early to go talk to Thom, but I couldn't sleep anymore."
Concern shaded Mat's eyes. "Bad dreams?"
He couldn't honestly say yes. They hadn't been- hadn't been bad. "Confusing dreams," he said, which was probably unwise. He would only make Mat curious. "I- I felt like someone was watching me. In my dream."
Mat hummed thoughtfully, stretched again and- and froze. He glanced downward. Rand didn't need to; he could feel the way that Mat's hip had pressed against his cock. "Someone watching you," Mat repeated, thoughtfully. "That kind of dream. I see. You should have said. I can give you some privacy to take care of it."
Rand opened his mouth but- but he couldn't honestly say that he wanted that either.
"Some privacy," Mat said, and he put his hand down firmly on the line of Rand's hip, used that to brace himself as he pushed up to a sitting position in the bed. Rand bit down on his lip so that he wouldn't make an embarrassing sound. "I'll go get some breakfast for us both. The kitchen is always open here. I'll be gone... would twenty minutes be enough?"
He was going to burst into flames and die. That's what was going to happen. He was painfully aware that twenty minutes would be more than enough time. Light, he would be lucky if he lasted five. He forced himself to nod. Mat slid out of the bed and- and did his fingers linger when he was pulling away? Or was Rand's mind making it up?
Mat turned around and gave him a reassuring grin before he headed out the door. "I'll be back in twenty minutes, with plenty of food. Have fun." Then he winked and left the room.
Rand couldn't help himself, sticking his hand down his trousers immediately and wrapping his fingers around his cock. It was fine, he had permission, Mat knew what he was doing- oh, Light, Mat knew exactly what Rand was doing right now. His hand was too dry, but he didn't care. All he could think of was the way Mat had smiled and the light in his eyes as he'd turned to leave. Could Rand have said something that would have made him stay?
It maybe lasted longer than five minutes, but not much more than that, and then Rand was left with a mess on his hand.
He didn't want to get it on Mat's bed, but he didn't want it on his own clothes either so, a bit reluctantly, he licked his fingers clean. He didn't particularly enjoy the taste but- needs must. He dragged himself up to sit cross-legged in the center of the bed and considered the situation as rationally as he could.
First, Mat was not going to just let Rand leave so that he could wander off to find a place to go quietly mad and then die. He'd made that clear. Rand could try to drive him off, but that ran into...
Second, Rand was attracted to Mat. He couldn't ignore it anymore. He wasn't certain how long he had already been ignoring it. Had he already wanted Mat this way all the back in Breen's Spring, and Dana had picked up on something real? He honestly didn't know. He'd still been wrapped up in Egwene at the time, with no room in his head to wonder if any of his thoughts about his best friend were something other than friendly.
Third, Thom knew everything about all the Dragon Reborn nonsense. Mat trusted him enough to tell him all of that. It was, Rand had to admit, a nice thought that there might be someone that he could actually trust with all this, because-
Fourth, Moiraine had hurt Mat. He'd been... been roughed up by the Red Ajah, he'd said, even before they'd tried to gentle him. Tar Valon was out of the question, no matter what else might happen in the future. No more Aes Sedai, not ever.
Where did all that leave him?
Rand sighed. He didn't know. Maybe he could let Mat decide. Mat had a lot of opinions about how things should go, it seemed.
Mat knocked on the door when he came back, like there was even the slightest chance Rand might not be finished yet.
"I'm here," Rand called out, then flushed. Mat knew he was here. The door pushed open and- "Mat, we can't possibly eat all that, just the two of us."
"You are skin and bones," Mat said, putting the tray down in front of him and sitting himself on the other side of it. The drinks sloshed in their mugs. "You'll eat if I have to force it down your throat."
Why did Mat have to keep saying things like that?
"I'll eat," Rand said, quickly, before his mind could conjure up any images. "I'm eating already." He grabbed a hunk of bread, to prove it. Mat raised his eyebrows and Rand took a bite.
It really was very good bread.
"After we talk to Thom, I'm taking you out to get new clothes," Mat said, in a breezy voice that made it clear he was telling Rand, not asking.
"I don't have any money," Rand pointed out, though Mat already knew.
"Nothing to worry about," Mat said. "I'll pay."
Rand thought about objecting more to the idea, but Mat seemed so attached to it, so he just ate some sausage instead. Where was Mat getting enough money to throw around like this? Did being an apprentice gleeman truly pay this much?
"I can't have you around us all the time wearing rags," Mat said, as if he were responding to the objections that Rand hadn't actually made. "And your clothes aren't appropriate for Cairhien. Since you're staying with me and Thom, then you need to fit in with us." Rand swallowed down some of the cider that Mat had brought up with the food and listened to Mat make plans.
Rand studied the clothes that he was, apparently, expected to wear in Cairhien.
They were all too fancy by half. Mat had said- he'd said that none of the cheaper tailors or shops made clothes big enough for outlanders, at least not ones their size, but surely he didn't need silk. Even his brief washing up at the White Goose before coming here couldn't've made him clean enough to wear silk.
Rand half-wished that Thom had actually answered his door when Mat had knocked on it this morning, instead of yelling at them to come back later, but maybe Thom would agree with Mat anyway.
Mat was wearing silk coats himself now, though, so perhaps it would be fine. Still, it seemed like an awful lot of coin to spend on- on a friend.
He was reading into things too much. Mat had touched his hip so casually this morning because Rand was simply a friend to him. And Mat had always touched him — and Perrin as well — back at home. Rand was just out of the habit of it, was all.
Though Mat did like to give gifts, when he had the money for it, or when he had the time to make something. Liked to give gifts to-
Rand put on the clothes. If he walked out in his old ones, Mat would be disappointed in him.
The trousers, at least, were linen, though tightly woven and dyed a deep, rich blue. They fit him well, so Rand reluctantly had to admit that the store clerk had guessed right on sizing him, even though Rand hadn't let the man touch him. The shirt was linen as well, and a paler blue, though not anything close to white. So that was fine. The way it was cut felt odd and it looked strange when he tried to tie up the front properly, instead of letting it hang half-open the way that Mat did. But the coat-
A rich patterned blue, and silk. It was so soft and thin. It barely felt like a coat at all. Surely, there had to be a less expensive tailor who would be willing to make clothes large enough to fit Rand. This fragile thing wouldn't last a week in the countryside.
When he pulled it on, the paler sleeves of the other shirt showed at his wrists. He tugged a bit, but it seemed to be intentional.
That just left the boots.
He eyed them dubiously. Maybe he could just slip back into his own. These new ones were... tall. And shiny.
Sighing, he tugged on the socks that he'd been given and then slid the new boots on.
He was mildly disappointed that they also fit well.
He supposed that he shouldn't be surprised. That shop clerk had been thrilled at how tall and broad Rand was, at least after he'd recognized Mat and realized he would be the one paying. He'd said something about a commission that had never been picked up, for someone just Rand's size.
Rand buckled his sword belt on and looped on the pouch that held the sa'angreal, and wondered if that was the sort of thing that Moiraine would blame on him being ta'veren. Was he still ta'veren, with the Dark One dead?
He walked out of the changing room — and he still couldn't quite believe that the clerk had wanted to come in there with him, to help him change — and glanced around for Mat. The shop had filled up, while he'd been dithering over whether or not to try on the new clothes, and Mat wasn't in sight. There was another room, though, and a whole upstairs to this place, so Mat could be anywhere. He tapped his fingers on his sword hilt impatiently. Maybe he should change back into his old clothes after all. He couldn't pay for these on his own. He could hardly believe that Mat could pay for them.
"I haven't seen you here before, my lord," came a throaty female voice, not terribly loud but somehow cutting through all the noise. It sounded vaguely familiar, though Rand couldn't place where he might have heard it. He turned his head, to correct her that he wasn't a lord and-
Well, he might not be a lord, but she was certainly a lady. Dressed all in white, with a silver belt and necklace and a silver chain with stars and crescent moons woven into her loose dark hair. She was smiling at him like she knew a secret.
"Sorry, my lady, but I'm not- I'm not who you think I am," Rand said. "I'm no lord. Just... just a man."
"Ah, I'm so sorry for being indiscreet," she said, reaching out to touch his-
Rand carefully moved a step backwards, despite the hurt look on her face.
"I shouldn't have spoken so plainly," she said, though she didn't lower her voice. She folded her hands together, still with that wounded look in her eyes, offended that he hadn't let her touch him. "A tall outlander lord, with hair that shade of red. I understand why you would want to keep your identity from prying ears, my lord."
"My... what?"
"Is your sister doing well, at the White Tower?" she asked, and they certainly were drawing more than a few eyes. And more importantly, more than a few ears.
The only person he knew at the White Tower was-
"I believe you have me mistaken for someone else," he told her, taking another step away from her. He could feel people watching him and, not sure what else to do, he added, more loudly, "I promise you, I'm no lord. I'm just- just Rand. I'm a normal person. Absolutely not a lord."
"Not a lord, of course. As you say, your grace," she said, with another coy look, now as if they were sharing in a secret. "I understand completely."
With relief, he spotted Mat at the edge of the room, talking to that shop clerk. He broke away from the strange woman and all the murmuring that she'd managed to whip up around them, and dashed over to grab Mat's arm. "Can we leave, right now?"
"It looks well on you," Mat said, with a glance up and down that Rand felt himself appreciating even in the middle of his panic. "Let me pay the man, and we can be on our way." Rand shifted uneasily in his boots. Your grace. Why would she call him that? Why change from 'my lord' to 'your grace'? What sister in the White Tower did she think he had?
Far too much coin exchanged hands, for only one set of clothes. Light, how much had Mat just spent on him?
"Please return any time you like. You're still at the White Goose, of course?" the clerk confirmed, and did his voice need to be quite so loud? "I'll have the rest sent 'round this afternoon. And if you're able to bring him back, I'd love to fit your friend properly, Master Cauthon."
The rest?
"I bet you would," Mat said, with another of his grins, and he tugged Rand out of the door, finally.
When they were a few paces away from the shop, Rand asked, hopefully, "Would you say the Cairhien people are- close-mouthed? Keep to themselves?"
"The Cairhienin? Terrible gossips," Mat disagreed, and Rand's heart sunk. How many people had been listening to that woman? And then the clerk had just said where they were staying, out loud! "Why do you ask?"
He explained about the woman and their conversation and Mat- after a moment, he nearly broke down laughing.
"Oh, you are in it now," he said, sounding halfway between amusement and sympathy. "You said, flat-out, that you aren't a lord?"
"I'm not," Rand pointed out, which just made Mat laugh harder. "Mat! Mat, why is it so funny? Mat!"
Thom was also amused, Rand discovered glumly.
The two of them were in a private dining room — because Mat had the money for these kinds of things, Rand had learned, and not from being an apprentice gleeman. He was gone now, out to earn himself another fortune playing dice. Rand hadn't been invited along. His face was, apparently, not the right sort for going gambling with. Whatever Mat had meant by that.
"I don't understand what else I could have done," Rand said, poking at his meal. "She was certain that I was a lord from the moment she saw me. It's this coat. Who did she think I was, anyway?"
This coat, and apparently the other six that Mat had ordered from the shop. Six coats! What was Rand going to do with six coats?
"Your hair and height. Your accent, as well, I'd wager. She could pin it down as Andoran but not any further. And you said she mentioned a sister in the White Tower?" Thom confirmed. Rand nodded. "She thought you were of the royal blood of Andor. Gawyn Trakand's sister, Elayne, is studying in the Tower. As I understand it, he went with her."
"She thought I was a prince?" Rand leaned on his elbow. "But I told her my name was Rand." He regretted that now, since she hadn't believed him anyway. "Not this Gawyn."
"She thought you were lying, lad, to cover up for the fact that you aren't in Tar Valon with your sister," Thom said. "Here to sow your wild oats before you go back home to settle down as First Prince of the Sword and spend the rest of your life guarding her."
"I don't see how anyone could think that I'm a prince," Rand said. He'd just spent the last several weeks wandering in the wilderness with no coin! How was that anything like a prince! "Just because I'm wearing fancy clothes."
"Not merely the clothes," Thom said. He hesitated, then said, "There's also your sword. Heron-mark. Means a blademaster. Not many farmers are blademasters, Rand."
"My father is. I suppose," Rand said. His father hadn't always been a farmer though, had he? But he'd been a soldier, not a lord. It was also slowly dawning on Rand that, between the stress of realizing that several people likely now thought he was a lord and trying to figure out exactly how much money Mat had spent on him, that he'd entirely forgotten to tell Thom that he was, in fact, the Dragon Reborn.
Strange. For weeks, Rand had been able to think of little else except that. One night and day with Mat, and he felt like a person again, instead of-
"I have something else to tell you," Rand said, and something in his voice must have warned Thom that it was more serious than all this fuss about him being a lord. "You said that Mat- that Mat told you everything?" Thom nodded. "It's not one of my friends, Thom. It's me."
Thom held his hand up, asked, "May I, lad?" Rand nodded, though he felt a bit confused, and Thom clapped his hand on Rand's shoulder, heavy and reassuring. "Mat told you how worried he was, I suspect."
"He said. Yes," Rand confirmed. The relief in Mat's voice when he'd thought that Rand wasn't the Dragon, and then how calm and determined he'd been when he'd learned that Rand was. His refusal to keep the promise that they'd made to each other in Tar Valon.
"It's been eating him up inside, the way he abandoned you." Should Thom be telling him this? Would Mat want Thom to tell him this?
"He didn't abandon me," Rand said, in a tight voice. "It was safer for him-" but it hadn't been, had it? Because of Moiraine and the Red Ajah. "He didn't- I never thought that he-"
"He feels like he did," Thom said gently, and he really shouldn't be telling Rand this. "He's trying to make up for it."
The food and the room and the clothes. All because Mat felt guilty. Not because-
"I don't blame him," Rand insisted. And of course that was why. Light, Rand truly was a fool. Mat was responsible, more than any of them, as much as he liked to play-act otherwise. It hadn't been... it hadn't been like when Mat would give gifts to pretty girls. Mat would be shocked to find out that, even for a moment, Rand might have- "I never blamed him."
Thom patted him on the shoulder, but Rand wasn't in the mood for more conversation, and they both focused on their food after that.
After he finished eating, Mat still wasn't back and Rand... Rand still had no money of his own for a room, so he went back up to Mat's room.
The clothes sent over from the shop were hanging up in the wardrobe, along with all of Mat's. Rand touched the sleeve of one of the new coats. Red silk, that one was. He'd thought-
It didn't matter what he'd thought. He'd been wrong. Wishful thinking, that was all it had been.
Rand took off the blue silk coat and hung it up carefully next to the others, lightly brushing it to keep the wrinkles out. Even if it hadn't meant what a silly part of him had wanted it to mean, it was still a gift from Mat.
Rand tugged against the ropes.
Dreaming again. He wasn't sure if he wanted this dream, not right now.
The room seemed colder than it had been the first time he'd had this dream. Instead of the warm lighting of the candles, the light seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once.
And Mat wasn't here.
If Mat wasn't here, then who had tied him up?
His skin scraped against the rope in a way that didn't feel- didn't feel playful and safe, the way that it had before.
"You are pretty like this."
He glanced over to try to find the voice, that same woman's voice and it was-
It was the woman from the shop today, all whites and silvers and long dark hair. She was studying him in a way that made him feel-
"You don't belong here," Rand said, as firmly as he could manage.
"It's your dream. You must want me here."
She took a step towards the bed, and Rand yanked on the ropes, trying- trying to-
"Like a bird, fluttering against the bars of a cage," she said, sounding amused. "You haven't a clue of even a tenth of what you're capable of."
She sat down on the edge of the bed, almost but not quite touching him. His heart was fluttering, frantic like a trapped bird, like she'd said.
"Don't touch me," he said. His wrists felt rubbed raw by the ropes. "I don't know you. I don't want you here."
"You know me," she said, her voice low and intimate. She leaned over him, her hair spilling over her shoulders, suddenly bare and her skin a pale cream in the light of the room as if she'd never known the touch of the sun. "I missed you so much." Her mouth was much too close to his. "I love you, Lews Therin."
Rand gasped awake, a moment before she could kiss him.
He scrubbed his fingers harshly against his mouth, even though she hadn't managed to actually-
His wrists. Red and scraped up, just as if he'd been struggling for real.
She'd called him Lews Therin. Oh, Light. And it had been a dream like the ones that the Dark One had given them all, one that left traces in the waking world.
It wasn't over. Whether or not the Dark One was dead, this meant that it wasn't over.
Rand sat up carefully. It was dark here, in the real world, like it hadn't been in the dream. Mat still hadn't- he must still be out gambling. Rand pushed himself back on the bed until he was pressed up against the wall, as far into the corner as he could manage, rubbed at his sore wrists, and did his best not to fall back asleep.