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His sleep is fitful, tossing and turning as he relives that night again and again. He can feel the metal curl around them crushing, caging them inside. The sounds of metal scraping upon metal, the shouts from people he never knew, the taste of blood before it all went black. The scream inside his head as he tried to look for her but never could….“ALEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
He sat straight up in the bed sweat pouring down his face, or were those tears, his eyes wide, frantic as he looks for her beside him somehow knowing he will not find her despite her promise to always be there.
He stares into the dark, feeling for her, the tears are definitely falling now. She can’t be. She promised. “Please don’t leave me.” His head falls into his hands as he tries to contemplate for even a second a world without Alex Kingston in it. “No, no, no!” He scrubs his face raw to wipe the tears as if by not giving into his grief he can somehow keep her alive.
But he can’t stop the tears, the pain that permeates his heart tearing him in two, the pain of knowing he will never be whole again. How can he be? She took his heart with her. “Where’d you go Alex? You promised. I can’t…not without you. Never without you.”
His body worn out from constantly fighting it, never resting, still recovering he finally falls to her side of the bed. Resting against her pillow he breathes in her scent, that delightful mix of lavender and spice that always lets him know when she was near. He curled around her pillow as if it was her herself, wishing with every wish he ever made that she would come back to him. Her scent, lying where she laid, finally calmed his breathing allowing him respite from this weary grief that he fought off with every waking breath.
Soon he felt her touch as her fingers gently raked through his hair. He was glad he had grown it back. She liked it longer, liked to feel her hand through his silken strands. He used to tease her that she had as much a thing for his hair as he did hers. She didn’t try to deny it. He remembers how worried he was about shaving his head for the movie. It was never for himself but truth be told he was petrified to how she would react when she saw it. He drew a sigh of relief when she didn’t run screaming from the flat when he returned from the barber.
As he fell into his dreamland where Alex still breathed he relished the feel of her hand against his scalp, his skin, his heart. He was smiling now, knowing she was near, feeling her……“love you.” He whispered.
“I love you too darling.” He reached for her and she was there, waiting for him as always. Afraid to open his eyes he slid his arms around her reaching up to wind his own fingers through her curls. The feel of them grounds him, makes him feel whole again knowing she is in his arms.
She’s close now, so close he can feel her breath against his cheek. He dares to chance a peek afraid he will break the spell before it is fully formed. But she’s smiling back at him that glorious smile that melts his heart, and makes his brain go to mush, and before another moment passes he’s pulled her to him and crashed his lips against hers. Oh the taste of her, he could live for days just on that alone.
“Sweetheart, I need you.”
“I’m here. Always.”
“Always, love?”
“Always.”
His passion, his love floods over her as it breaks the confines of his battered heartbreak. His kisses are devout, his caresses nothing short of worship. The feel of her lips upon his skin is a salve to his brokenness, the touch of her a bandage to contain his grief. In these moments she is not gone and he is not lost. They are as one: kissing, touching, holding, breathing the intoxication of the other.
Making love is not just an act but a promise of always, forever, as the two hearts become one. His breath becomes one with hers as his heartbeat echoes her own. Completely content and sated in her arms he is finally able to let sleep take him fully.
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As awareness begins to creep into his body he feels a shiver; a shiver of knowing that when he opens his eyes her warmth will not be there. He fights it for as long as he can before his body betrays him and he is awake.
Lying there his hand instinctively reaches for her nearly choking on the pain as his heart slams against his chest with the reality that he is alone. He knows what they told him but he keeps refusing to believe it to be the truth. Alex can’t be gone. His Alex would never leave him…..she promised.
Staring at the ceiling he remembers with such clarity the very moment she gave him that promise. They had been together two years by then; known each other four. It had surprised him. It was nothing he had planned for or expected but then who could plan for something as unexpected as Alex Kingston.
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The day he first met her was etched into his mind. He was already a nervous wreck being cast as the lead in an iconic role that most of his native country, and a few more he’s never heard of, were sure he was going to completely ruin.
When Steven introduced them he felt a calm take over his being followed by an excitement that fed his weary confidence. She was like home; a home he didn’t even know he was in need of.
For two years their friendship grew. Oh they delighted in making each other blush and never an innuendo was left unsaid but they were just friends, at least that’s what they told themselves. She was still married then, separated, but still married. He was fairly involved with Daisy, even considered marriage at one point.
It wasn’t until she had finally decided to formally end things with Florian and he came to the conclusion that marriage with Daisy was not what they both wanted that their relationship evolved into more. It was rather simple how it all came about.
They were at his flat sharing a meal while mocking the latest dancing show on the telly. Not much different than how they had spent countless other nights. Sometimes they were joined by Karen or Arthur, or both but many nights it was just the two of them. They enjoyed each other’s company and despised eating alone. It had become their thing whenever she was in town either for Who or Upstairs.
After he had been particularly ruthless in his mocking of the current male dancer she shoved him, “Like you could do better!”
He feigned shock and a blow to his dignity that she could utter such a thing. “I’ll have you know Kingston that I am an excellent dancer and could easily do better than that bloke!”
“Sure you can, darling.” She tried to placate him but he would not be brushed aside so easily. Jumping to his feet he pushed the coffee table with the rest of their meal against the far wall. “What are you doing? I was still eating that.”
Ignoring her protests he strode back to her his hand extended. “Dance with me Kingston. I’ll show you moves.”
She couldn’t help but giggle at him as his hair flopped into his eyes and his mouth curled up into that boyish smile of his. Standing there in his gray flannel joggers and stretched out tshirt he didn’t look anything like the decked out dancers from the show but somehow he looked even more elegant.
Sliding her legs off the sofa she took his hand as he led her to the middle of the room. Without the pretext of music he began to waltz her around the tiny room. As it turned out music wasn’t necessary as he hummed right next to her ear as he perfectly executed each step. She hadn’t even realized that he had stopped so wrapped up in it all. “Alex?” Apparently he had called her more than once.
“What? Sorry darling, what were you saying?” He took in her dazed and confused expression thinking how adorable it made her look.
Continuing to hold her close he asked, “Where’d you go Alex? You seemed like you were a million miles away.” Without thinking about it he caressed her cheek before sliding a stray curl behind her ear.
The feel of his skin against hers with his tiny gesture warmed her in ways she had not felt in a very long time. When she looked in Matt’s eyes it was like the shades had finally been opened; like she was seeing him for the very first time. His hazel eyes sparkled as he gazed at her slightly worried, slightly amused by her lack of response. His chin, that Karen liked to mock mercilessly, struck her as one that had been chiseled by the gods creating a face like no others. Without her permission her fingers reached up to trace his chin and cheek. She watched as his eyes closed while he leaned into it.
No words passed between them before she reached up on her toes and gently pressed her lips against his. It was just a small kiss, chaste. As she began to pull away she was met by another one from Matt. This continued each time one tried to pull away the other brought them back until the kisses became more than chaste and their passion exploded all around them.
Their grip on one another tightened as their mouths explored and mapped each other’s as if discovering a new world. Clothing began to disappear as their hands roamed and slowly, somehow they ended up in his bedroom.
For hours they devoted their lips to learning each other’s bodies, finding delight in secret places, and bringing each other pleasure again and again. Skin against skin they held each other as they slept a contented sleep like neither had before.
It wasn’t until morning that they dared speak about what had just happened between them.
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Matt awoke first feeling the press of her naked flesh into his. It took him just a moment before the night before came to his memory. The gentle tickle of her curls brought a smile to his face, one that he wasn’t sure would ever leave. Alex Kingston was in his bed.
As he thought about it he realized they were always destined to this point. They both seemed so comfortable in each other’s presence practically from the moment they met, and yet there was always that underlying current of sexuality. He often wondered about the innuendo that bantered back and forth between them. He wondered if they were just a cover for feelings kept deep inside.
As he looks down at her naked back, his fingers stroking there gently he knows those feelings were always there hidden but now awake. He also knows without a shadow of a doubt that he will never be able to hide how he feels about her ever again. He can only hope she feels the same way.
His tender caresses began to stir her awake. His heart was pounding in his chest wondering how Alex would feel about their change in relationship status. When her gorgeous green eyes open they smiled at the sight of him. “Hello darling.”
“Hello.” He vaguely had thoughts that this was how the Doctor and River restarted their relationship when they both knew who they were to the other.
Her chin was resting against her arms that she had crossed over his chest, the rest of her draped unceremoniously over him. Looking like the cat who found the cream she continued to lie there watching him her face beaming back at him.
“Alex?” He stroked her cheek as he pushed a few curls behind her ear. He delighted when she nuzzled into his hand. “How are you this morning?”
He felt the need to check in, not to assume. This wasn’t just anyone….this was Alex. This was the woman who became his friend despite their differences in acting status, hers far above his. This was the woman who always treated him as her equal even though he knew to be far beneath her in experiences. This was the woman who had captured his heart without him even realizing it until now. It was too late to do anything else but give it to her freely.
Her smile never wavered as she leaned in kissing him good morning. With a smirk on her face she said, “Much better now, thank you.”
He let out a breath that he hadn’t even been aware he was holding. Getting a smirk of his own he answered her back, “Oh I don’t know. I think I can do better than that.” He pulled her towards him taking her lips in his allowing the passion he had been feeling flow into her. When he finally pulled away he asked, “Better?”
“Without a doubt, darling.” Their bodies moved against one another needing more than just incidental contact, needing the touch of the other to satisfy the desire that just a few kisses had blazed within them. Their touches were still thoughtful, not needing to hurry except that something pushed them to not waste a moment’s time. When they joined as one it was if they both knew. They both knew this was who they had been waiting for….this was their other half.
It was a few hours later when they woke to their phones buzzing. Apparently Matt was late for his call time and Alex was supposed to have been in hair and makeup two hours ago. They both giggled when they realized. Quickly, or not so quickly as it turned out, they showered and headed to their cars.
Alex was filming for Upstairs this week so she was heading to a different studio. It was probably for the best. If they would have both walked into Who together so late and unable to get the grins off their faces everyone would have known. As it was they both deflected questions all day as to why they looked so happy.
As it turned out it didn’t take long before Karen and Arthur figured it out. Well to be fair, Karen figured it out then bet Arthur money until he confirmed it. The last few months of Karen and Arthur’s time on Who the four of them hung out as often as possible. Even with Alex filming for Upstairs she spent her evenings with Matt and Team TARDIS.
He was grateful that she was next to him when he had to say goodbye to the Ponds on screen and even more grateful when he had to say goodbye to Karen and Arthur in person. They had only a few short weeks between that tearful goodbye and when he would need to film the Christmas special.
He was having a hard time getting his head around being with a different acting partner. His sad, dejected, and sometimes angry feelings would work well with the grumpy nature of his Doctor in this episode. Alex however refused to let him wallow in it for more than a day. She said he got one day to be all dark and broody then she had plans.
As it turned out her plans was to steal him away to LA with her until he needed to be back for filming. Her and Salome took him all over keeping him busy with new adventures hoping it would help him ease from the old ones. He will always treasure those memories, especially because Alex gave them to him as a present.
By the time she came back for the wrap party for series 7 he had made up his mind. They had a great time with Team TARDIS, the rest of the cast and crew celebrating the end of an era and the beginning of a new one on Who. The next day it was him who surprised her by packing up the boot of his Audi then whisking them off to an Inn in the countryside.
When she asked him why he answered casually, “I wanted some alone time with you where Karen wouldn’t just barge in.” She laughed hysterically at him remembering the compromising time Karen had done just that back in Cardiff.
It was during a walk along the trail that edged both the lake and the forest winding back and forth that he stopped them. “Alex, I need to ask you something.”
- He looked so nervous. She couldn’t imagine what would have in such a state. “Ok.”
Taking her hands in his he pulled her closer kissing across her knuckles finally resting them over his heart. “Alex, I think you already know you have my heart.” She smiles and nods. “You’ve had it for a very long time, even longer than I even knew. I shouldn’t like that my heart knew before I did but I suppose there wasn’t any other way about it.”
She takes a step closer not wanting space between them. “Alex, I love you. I feel like I’ve always loved you and I don’t think there will ever be a time when I don’t love you. Please marry me?”
Her eyes go wide as she realizes that at the end of that ramble there was a marriage proposal. “Marry? Did you say marry?”
He was already beginning to lose confidence. He knew that marriage didn’t mean the same to her as it did to him. She’d been married twice already and it had left a bitter taste in her mouth. For him it was the ultimate declaration of how much you loved someone. But he understood if she needed a bit of convincing.
“Now before you say anything I know you think I’m too young….”
“No, that’s not it.”
“And you think I don’t realize how much of a commitment marriage is….”
“I never said that.”
“And you think I will one day regret being with you…..”
At that one she remained silent. “Never Alex….do you hear me?” He let go of her hands to pull her into an embrace. “I will never regret having you as my wife. I will only regret it if I don’t.” He watches as the tears make their way down her cheeks and he braces himself for her rejection.
“As would I.” She whispers so softly he almost misses it.
“What?” He seems startled out of his persuasive argument.
“Matt…” She takes a deep breath to gain her composure before continuing. His stance is somewhere between stoic and scared to death. “I know that you are far younger than I am and as much as that should bother me it never really has. Ok, maybe sometimes but not when it’s important….not when it’s you and me.”
A small smile graces his face thinking maybe….just maybe. “I know the way we feel about marriage is different. How could it not be? But even as both of my marriages ended there were lovely times as well. We feel so right you and I. I worry that putting the label of marriage on it will jinx us in some way.” He gives her a funny look. “I know it sounds silly but if you had been where I’ve been it probably wouldn’t.”
“But the one thing I can’t ever let you think for even a minute is that I would regret being with you.” He starts to protest but she silences him with a finger to his lips. “I know you said you regretting but I think you believe I would as well. Never Mr. Smith would I regret a moment of being with you. I believe in you enough that I don’t think you will regret being with me either.” A satisfied grin resumed on his face. “So yes.”
Shaking his previous thoughts he wasn’t sure what she was saying yes to. “Yes?”
Laughing at him she leans in giving him a quick kiss. “Yes, I will marry you.” Her lips still so close he can feel the words against his skin as well as hear them.
“Yes?” He pulls back to look in her eyes confirming he actually heard what he thinks he heard.
“Yes!”
He pulled her into his embrace and began to twirl her around. Halfheartedly she protested for him to put her down but her laughter gave away that she really didn’t mean it. When he finally did he captured her mouth in his pouring all the love and passion he was feeling at that moment into her. Practically weak in the knees she was glad he was holding on so tightly.
After a few moments he was fumbling in his pockets until he found what he was looking for. Clutching the black velvet box he dropped to one knee looking up at her expectantly. Opening the lid he beseeched her again, “Alex, love will you do the honor of being my wife?”
With tears streaming down her face and a smile as broad as the sun she enthusiastically answered, “YES!”
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It was later that day as they were entwined with one another skin touching skin that she made him that promise that he would hold her to always. “Matt, you were scared today that I would run when you asked me weren’t you?”
A sad faraway look took over him before he nodded.
“I’m sorry.” He looked confused at her not knowing for what she was sorry. “I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you feel that way. The truth is I could never leave you. I love you far too much.” He smiled pecking a kiss against her lips. “I promise you Matt. I will never leave you at least not by my choice. There will be times when we will be apart for work, or family obligations but I will always be right here.” She places her hand over his heart. “and only a phone call away.”
He felt more content than at any other time in his life. Alex loved him and agreed to marry him. Everything was right with the world.
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…………………and everything was, right up to the moment when it wasn’t.
They were heading home from an evening out with friends. A few of Alex’s friends from Upstairs and some of the crew that had worked on both Upstairs and Who were meeting up at a club. That wasn’t usually their thing these days but it sounded like fun and since it was Alex who asked him, how could he refuse.
Neither of them had had much to drink spending most of the night on the dance floor. He had been enchanted watching her dance. It was like watching sex he had whispered in her ear causing her to go crimson. It was at that point that she decided they should head home. With that twinkle in her eye he had no argument.
As they headed back to the flat they kept sneaking peaks at one another, a slight caresses of her thigh or his, their hands entangled…..all promises to be fulfilled once they got home.
Then it happened in a blink of an eye, there were white lights, the screeching of brakes, and the ear-splitting sound of metal hitting metal. He doesn’t remember much except for the noise and the screaming and trying to see Alex in the car. He never did before passing out.
When he woke up from his coma his first thoughts were of Alex. Where was she? His mum and his sister exchanged looks but no one spoke. When they told him he screamed at them, told them they were wrong, demanded they leave his room. They did but had a nurse give him a sedative.
Each time he woke it was like the first time. They were worried that he had memory loss since each time he seemed to need them to tell him again. But he was sure they were wrong; he had heard her, she had spoken to him while he had been asleep. They were mistaken. That’s the only possible explanation.
As he recovered every time the door to his hospital room opened he would look for her. She only came when they had all left and he had quieted for the night. Then he would talk with her, joke with her, and hold her throughout the night. Come morning she was always gone before anyone else arrived.
When it was time for him to go home he kept looking for her to be there. Each time his mum tried to assure him that she was in a better place he wanted to scream at her. She wasn’t in a better place because the best place was in my arms! As he knew by now she didn’t show up to his flat until they had all gone. His mum had insisted that she should stay but he sent her off. Somehow he knew Alex wouldn’t come if she was here.
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It’s been two months since he’s come home from the hospital; nearly four months since the accident. He barely leaves his flat except for the necessities such as food and beer. His agent is ready to release him since he refuses to go on any auditions. He hasn’t worked in four months. His friends and family are beyond worried about him. He lets their calls and texts go unanswered.
Most days he barely gets out of bed. She only comes to him now when he is asleep or nearly there. But even from beyond the grave she knows it’s time for him to let go, to start to move forward with his life, but he adamantly refuses.
He’s on his sixth beer knowing that the alcohol will deepen his sleep allowing her to stay with him longer. Barely able to make it from the lounge he bounces off the walls until he falls into his bed. As sleep takes him he calls her name, “Alex….”
Soon he feels her lips on his and he’s no longer tired but energized to be in her arms again. “Hello, sweetheart.” He smiles at her.
“Hello, darling.” Her grin lights up her face as she slides her fingers through his hair.
“I’ve missed you.” He can’t help but say. He does every time.
Looking guilty she apologizes, “I’m sorry my love.”
“I know, I know. It isn’t your fault.” He pulls her tighter to him needing to feel her curves fill his crevices, for them to fit together as they always did.
Sometimes they just hold each other, sometimes they talk like they used to, sometimes they make love. In some ways it’s not that different than when she was alive except he has to be asleep or unconscious to be with her.
Whenever she tries to convince him to let her go to build his life again he gets so angry with her. Unable to hear his accusations that she is trying to get rid of him she instead assures him that she loves him and will never leave him. Despite knowing it would be what was best for him she’s not ready to let him go either.
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He is awoken by the rustling of drapes and the brightness of the morning sun followed by someone pulling the covers back. Shielding his eyes from the glare he’s about to protest when he is cut off. “Good god, Smithers! You stink! When was the last time you bathed? Get your sorry arse out of bed.”
Tugging back on the blankets he tries to ignore her but no one ignores Karen Gillian. Quickly she pulls the blankets from the foot of the bed leaving him lying there in his tshirt and joggers. “Leave me alone Kaz. I want to sleep!” He grouses.
“Well, you’ve done that, been doing that for months now. It’s time to get up!” She accentuated her point by poking his chest on those last syllables.
Swatting her hand away he realizes he won’t be able to go back to sleep now and gives in to her request to get up. Sitting up he rubs the crick in his neck before glaring up at her. “Are you happy now?”
“Not quite. You smell, go take a shower, I’ll make tea.” Accepting his fate he heads to the shower wondering when it was he last took one.
With a towel slung around his waist he comes back from the ensuite looking for clean clothes to wear. That’s when he notices that the bedding is gone from the bed and panic overtakes him. “Kaz!!” He heads towards the kitchen but stops when he passes the laundry hearing the machine swooshing. When she meets him in the hallway his head is leaning on the laundry room door, tears streaming down his face.
“Matt??” She startles him from his thoughts and she is taken back by the look of devastation on his face. “What’s wrong?”
“You washed them?”
“Yes...” She wasn’t understanding.
“You washed her away.” His voice brittle and hollow as he realized the last of Alex had been taken from him.
Karen’s heart seizes at the realization of what she has done. Trembling she reaches out to him but he pulls away unable to look her in the eye. He slinks back to his room shutting the door. “I didn’t know.” She quietly utters even though she was certain only she heard it.
He doesn’t come back out for nearly twenty minutes. She about wore out the floor from the kitchen to his door wondering if he went back to bed, and what she should do about that. When he did come out he merely sat at the counter reaching for the tea she had already prepared.
After a few sips she braved reaching out to him. Putting her hand over his he looked up. “I’m sorry Matt. I didn’t realize. I thought I was helping.”
“But you can’t, can you?” He didn’t sound angry but resigned to this existence. He just didn’t know why everyone else couldn’t leave them alone.
While she had been waiting for him she had cleaned up his flat of the empty beer bottles, taken out the trash, and prepared some canned soup. Placing it in front of him she adds, “But I have to try.” He looks up at her seeing the sincerity in her eyes. He can’t stay mad at her; she was trying to do what friends do. If things were different he might even have appreciated it. As it was he was having a difficult time caring one way or another.
She stays most of the afternoon. She tries to get him interested in the match of the day but even that no longer appeals to him. When she brings up going back to work he gets agitated accusing her of being in cahoots with his agent.
At one point she sneaks back to make his bed after the dryer beeped. When she was done she looked on the dresser and found Alex’s perfume spraying it on the pillow she always slept on. She hoped it would be enough.
Finally when she can’t stand the silence any longer from him she makes her excuses to leave. Remembering his manners he thanks her for coming by and walks her to the door. “Call me, if you want to talk.” He nods. He won’t call. She knows he won’t either.
He can’t wait to get back to Alex heading straight to his bedroom as soon as he shuts the door. Sliding between the sheets he is excited to smell her scent, even stronger than before. It gives him a hopeful feeling that she is really here until he realizes that she couldn’t be.
When he finally falls asleep he welcomes her into his arms but something is different this time. “Darling, you know you can’t go on this way.”
“Why not?” He raises an eyebrow in her direction.
“Because you still have a life to live. You need to go live it.”
“Not without you Alex.” He stubbornly refuses.
“Matt darling, you know I wish I could still be there with you but I can’t.” He hides his head in her chest trying not to hear her words. “But you need to live on…..for both of us.”
“NO ALEX!!!!! I can’t live on. I can’t do anything if you’re not here.” He exploded then seeing the crushed look on her face he softened, “I just can’t.” Tears streaming down both their faces she held him to comfort him and herself.
As she strokes his hair listening for his breath to calm she tells him, “I’m not going to be able to come anymore.”
He stills in her arms not daring to move. “What?!”
“Apparently my time is up.” She holds him tight to her chest not wanting him to look in her eyes otherwise he would see the lie that she was spinning. It was for him. She had too. It had become painfully obvious that he would never let her go and he had too much of his life ahead of him to continue to grieve.
When he finally frees himself looking at her she has managed to create the role in her head delivering the lines as they need to be said. Cupping his face she kisses him softly. “Darling, you have years, decades of life left to live. I want you to go live it, enjoy it, then one day when we meet again you can tell me all about it.” He tries to shake his head no but she holds him firm. “I want you to love again Matt. You have so much love to give I want you to find someone to share it with, have children. Be happy.”
“I can’t be happy without you.” He whimpers, his face marred by tears.
“Yes, you can. It might take a little while but yes you can. You can do anything.”
His hands slide through her tresses pulling her close, resting his forehead against hers. “Alex, I love you.” He kisses her their tears mingling with their tongues as each of their hearts break one last time.
“I love you too, darling. Live well.” With one last kiss she is gone.
He calls out for her but somehow he knows this is it. She is gone…..forever.
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She doesn’t come to him in his sleep any longer but she can’t stay away. She watches over him as he sleeps and as he roams aimlessly when he is awake. It is absolute torture to stay away when she hears him cry for her, sobbing into his pillow, and begging her not to leave him. But she believes she is doing what she has to for him; to give him a chance to move on with his life.
When he got up and picked up his car keys for the first time in months she thought it was his first step to him taking back his life. She didn’t know how wrong she was. She should have known.
He had come to a conclusion. If she wasn’t coming back to him then he was going to go to her. That was what was going through his mind when he pulled out of the drive and right before the car veered off the road into the crop of trees. He doesn’t make it to the hospital this time.
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He wakes shivering from the never ceasing wind that swirls around his stony chamber. As his eyes take in the slivers of light that exists here he feels the tears pull on his eyes. She wasn’t there. She’s never there. Not anymore. He remembers how she always came to him when he slept but not anymore….she has left him for good.
Pushing himself off the hard cold surface he stands to take in what is now his world. A world he can see stretches into the far distance but can only be lived right here. He takes the four steps that he is allowed out to the very edge of the cliff. The stone comes to a point there out from his very chamber. From here he can see a world below him, around him, above him, all around him. He sees no other person. He is alone in this very existence….forever alone.
He’s not sure how long he’s been here: days, weeks, months, a millennium? He has no way of telling any longer. He only knows that it is without her and always will be. The only sounds that he hears are the forever crashing of the waves far below him. He wonders if that is why it is always so cold here; the constant spray of the sea chilling him to the bone.
He thought hell would be different but maybe this is his own version of hell. It’s probably what he deserves he concluded sometime at the beginning. Sitting at the edge of the jagged rock he thought of what brought him here…his selfishness. He thought that he would be with her now but realized far too late that he had doomed himself of ever being with her again.
By taking his own life he damned his soul to the void of purgatory. He wanted to die to end it all. He tried. No matter how many times he threw himself from his precipice he always awoke again within his carved out chamber in the side of the cliff destined to continue on in perpetuity.
He did not know how long he could continue before the madness took him. At times he wished it would, maybe in his delusions she would be here. At some point he decided that was why it never came. He had no choice but to live out this living hell because his love for a woman had made living life without her unbearable.
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She only wanted him to move on, to not cling to her memory any longer. It was the only reason she stopped coming to him in his dreams. As always she wanted what was best for him. Living with the dead wasn’t what was best.
It was too late by the time she realized what he was planning, too late to stop him, too late to save him. Hovering in the ER her own spirit broke when she registered the wail of his flatline on the monitor. “No, he was supposed to live on. He was too young. He had so much more to do.”
Attending his funeral, there were so many who were devastated by the young man’s early departure from this life. As best she could she tried to comfort his mother and his sister but they were beyond consolation, as she knew she would have been had she still been alive. ‘Where could he be?’ She remembers being there for her own funeral, sad for her family, even sadder that Matt had no idea she was gone still hiding in his own coma.
When everyone departs she ascends back to heaven to wait for him. When too much time has passed she seeks him out searching for him. Finally weary she seeks an audience with Gabriel to help her find him. He confirms what she had already concluded….he’s not coming.
He took his own life and for that he is damned to exist in purgatory for all eternity. “Can I go to him?” She surprises the angel by asking.
“You would never be able to return. You too would be damned to exist in purgatory for all eternity.”
“But we would be together?” Her response more a question needing confirmation than a statement. He nods. “Then how could I not go to him?”
“You love him that much to put your own soul in peril?”
Without hesitation she replies, “Yes!”
“I see.” She watches as he stares at her, his hands steepled in front of him, giving her request great contemplation.
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Gabriel left her to meditate about her choice. When he returned he needed to be sure she understood what she was taking on. “If you decide to go to look for your lover there is no turning back.”
“I understand.”
“There are no guarantees you will find him. It is a vast and difficult realm.”
Biting her bottom lip she continued. “I understand.”
“Is this still something you wish to do?”
“Yes.”
“I admire your devotion and I truly hope you are successful on your quest.” She nodded at the angel. He led her to what looked like the edge of a plateau. “Beyond this is the void of purgatory. At times it is visited by Lucifer and his kind to entice those to that world. You will most likely encounter him along the way. Be wary of your soul for any bargain he may strike cannot be promised.”
“When you are ready, step off.” He waved to the edge of the plateau.
She looked over the edge not able to see where it ended, “Step off?”
“You must have faith, Alexandra. Follow your heart.”
Closing her eyes she took a deep breath. She pictured Matt before her before leaping from the mountainside. Somewhere inside her head she heard him say, ‘Geronimo!’
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She was surprised when she felt ground beneath her feet and she wasn’t a mass of broken bones. The ground was not solid but veined with hot steam rising from it. As she moved forward there were pockets of what looked to be lava. She was going to have to think this through.
She had no plan. How can you have a plan for navigating purgatory? It almost made her laugh out loud how much this felt like an episode of Who. But it wasn’t an episode it was her only chance to be with Matt again. Closing her eyes she pictured him again in her mind. When she opened them again she felt confident in the direction she needed to travel.
The ground was mostly barren, no rocks, no vegetation, and no animals. She decided that the molten lava probably took care of that. Reminding herself that it could probably take care of her she needed to keep her wits about her. After what seemed like hours she had navigated through the lava and steam to a clearing.
Far in the distance she could see a forest or what had been a forest at one time. The trees appeared dead and she wondered what else might be found there. Again she stopped to close her eyes and think about Matt. When it became clear that her path required her to pass through the forest she took a deep breath and began across the clearing.
But not all is what it seemed. The ground beneath her was soft and her feet sunk down into the mire. It was difficult to pull her legs out of the muck to continue on. Soon her legs were getting tired and she just wanted to rest but there wasn’t any place to sit so she decided to just stand still for a few minutes.
It was then that she felt something or someone grab at her ankle. Looking down she saw the skeleton of a hand tugging at her. It was trying to pull her down into the mire. She had to keep going. The burst of adrenalin was enough to get her to the other side but not before nearly being pulled under twice. When she reached the edge of the forest her fine linens were covered in muck and her one sandal had been torn off.
She rested at the edge of the forest keeping an eye both on the forest and the mire she had just left not sure if they could still follow her. Removing her leftover sandal she stood to face the forest. Before entering she again closed her eyes concentrating on Matt. She could feel him; somehow she knew she was getting closer to him.
Opening her eyes she headed into the dead of a forest. At first it seemed like any other forest that had been deadened by what she did not know. It wasn’t long before it got darker, the branches keeping the light from penetrating to the forest floor. Several times she stopped to close her eyes to feel which direction Matt was.
It was during one of those times that she first felt the spirits. Throwing her eyes wide she saw what had to be hundreds of spirits floating around the woods. She couldn’t decide if she should be frightened of them or not. They didn’t seem to pay her any mind so she continued on. It wasn’t until she began to see an opening at the end of the forest that the spirits seem to take notice of her.
At first they began to whirl around her faster and faster. Then they began to dive-bomb her passing straight through her. The ice cold apparitions felt like sharp knives passing through her. When she finally reached the end of the forest she fell to her knees gasping for breath.
Upon examination she had no markings from the spirits passing through her. They had done no physical damage but that had not alleviated the pain that they induced. Her feet however were badly torn up from running through the forest without shoes. Without any choice she willed herself to go on.
Standing, she finally took in the sight beyond the forest. It was a beach not unlike many she had seen growing up in the UK. Sand mixed with rocks, large boulders could be seen near the water’s edge, and a large cliff face on the other side. Somehow she already knew which way she was going to need to go but closed her eyes thinking of Matt anyways to confirm her course.
She walked to the water’s edge, the cool water soothing on her battered feet. As she walked closer to the cliff face she wondered how she would ever be able to get up it. She had no ropes or climbing equipment; for that matter she had no experience climbing either. When she was nearly to the base of the cliff she sat in the sand looking out over the water.
It was not a calm sea but an angry one determined to batter itself against the side of the cliff again and again. As she was carefully considering her next move her eyes wandered around the water taking in the forest and the stony sides of the cliff. It was then that she saw something far above out of the corner of her eye. Something moving.
Shading her eyes with her hand she squinted in the distance to see if she could figure out what it was. It looked like something with long legs dangling over the edge of a piece of rock jutting out from the side of the cliff face. She supposes she should have been scared it could have been some creature that would most likely try to take her soul but something told her she had nothing to fear.
Remembering the words of the angel she continued to rely on her faith that she would find Matt and let the love in her heart guide her. Getting to her feet she continued around the water’s edge getting closer to the cliff wall. As it turned out she was able to get fairly close to where the rock jutted out before she had to begin to climb the cliff wall.
She never thought of herself as much of an athlete but she supposes all the running for Who and wire work had gotten her in better shape than she thought. Looking up to the jutted out rock she can no longer see anything except rock but that doesn’t stop the feeling she has that that is where she needs to get to. About halfway there she nearly falls into the crashing sea when the rock crumbles in her handhold. Dangling by one hand she wills all her strength to be able to get the other hand back onto solid rock.
Nearly there her strength about gives out. There is no way to rest hanging onto the side of a cliff by her arms and tiny bit of her feet. It’s when she thinks she may have failed that she wails out to God. “Dear God, I know you said you couldn’t or wouldn’t help me but please I beg of you. I am so close. I feel it. Help me to reach him.”
He’s lying in his bunk carved out of the side of the wall when he hears her voice for the first time since he’s been here. He smiles. He’s sure he has finally gone mad and he welcomes it. Lying there he quiets himself so that he may hear her again. He’s surprised when what he hears is grunting and groaning. It’s not until he hears that distinctive growl of frustration that he knows so well that he leaps to his feet.
Looking over the side of the rock he is shocked to see her there. “Alex?” He is sure that she is a hallucination but it matters not. Seeing her brings such joy to his heart he cannot contain it.
Seeing him looking down at her she almost forgets she has to hang onto the rock formations. “Matt!” She no longer feels too tired and reaches for the next handhold bringing her that much closer to him. “Matt, I found you!”
He’s reaching down for her now. She’s almost within touching distance. “You always do love.”
Within two more handholds he grabs her arm and when she kicks off the cliff he pulls her up to his rock ledge. She falls over him much as she did that fateful day River flew out of a spaceship into his arms.
She just stares at him. The feel of him solid against her barely registers as she had begun to lose faith that she would ever find him. He’s sporting an enormous grin believing wholeheartedly that his mind has finally given into the madness he so desperately sought. Despite her weight pressing into him he does not think this is anything more than a fantasy come true.
“Darling.” It is her that first breaks the silence.
“Sweetheart.” He reaches up to caresses her cheek feeling the sweat against his palm. “I knew you’d come…..eventually.”
“You did?” She presses into his chest lifting herself over him.
His fingertips follows down her cheek and across her lips. “Yes, you promised you would never leave me.”
She giggles. “Yes, I did!” She leans in taking his lips in hers filling him with the kind of love that would walk through fire for him.
“Why now?” He’s not sure why he asked. He should be grateful that she was here in his dreams but she had eluded him for so long even before he died that he had to know……why now?
“Why am I here now?” He nodded as he continued to trace her face committing it to memory.
“It was a long journey. Believe me I got here as fast as I could but it’s not that easy when you’re not real sure where you’re going.”
He looked confused. “Huh?”
He looks so adorable she can’t not give him a little kiss before she continues. “When you died I looked everywhere for you but you weren’t there. You weren’t at the hospital or at your funeral so I went to wait for you in heaven but you never came. When I asked, the angel said you wouldn’t be coming there because you sacrificed your life. We’re going to talk about that too, mister.” She poked him in the chest. “So I had to come find you.”
His face is scrunched up trying to process what she has just told him. “What do you mean you looked for me at my funeral?”
“I thought you would be there. I was at mind. I was going to escort you to heaven but you weren’t there. Why weren’t you there?”
He doesn’t understand. Why would his dream Alex go to his funeral? “Um, I don’t know. I woke up here.”
For the first time she looks around as to where they are seeing the nothingness of it. “Well this place is rubbish!” He laughs pulling her towards him so very glad to have her near again.
She comes back with a serious question though. “Why did you do it Matt? I wanted you to live on, to live the years I couldn’t. Why did you throw all that away?”
Closing his eyes he takes a deep breath. “I couldn’t Alex. I couldn’t live on without you. I thought if you wouldn’t come to me anymore that I could come to you. I suppose I should have paid a bit more attention on Sundays.” She swatted at his chest.
He grabs at her hands but let’s go when she hisses in pain. Gently he takes them in his hands and can’t understand why they are battered and bruised. “Alex, why do your hands look like this?”
“Let’s see what yours look like after you scale a mountain.”
Bringing her with him he sits up pulling her into his lap. He looks more closely at her hands, at her feet bloodied from cuts and scrapes, her dress muddied and torn. Slowly it begins to dawn on him that perhaps this isn’t a dream. “Alex, you’re not really here are you?”
“Of course I’m really here. What do you think I am a figment of your imagination?” She teases. His eyes go wide as he looks her over again when she realizes that is exactly what he thinks she is. “Oh darling, I’m here. I’m really here. This isn’t a dream.”
“Y-o-u-r really he-re?” He stutters.
“Yes, I’m really here.” She pulls him closer kissing him until they desperately need air.
“But you shouldn’t be here. You should be in heaven. You didn’t take your own life; it was taken from you.”
She looks at him with that smile that always melted all of his insides. “Darling, it was hardly heaven without you.”
He almost fell under her spell but remembered he was cross with her. “Alex, what did you do? How are you here?”
She held her palm against his cheek and smiled at him. “Darling, I did the same thing you would have done. I found you. How doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I love you and couldn’t bear eternity without you at my side….so here I am!”
He doesn’t want to be cross with her. She’s here….with him……..he just wants to love her. “Alex, I should be more cross with you that you sacrificed so much for me but I’m much too selfish. I love you so very much.” The kiss is gentle but firm then his lips hover above hers. “I want you here with me. I’ll always want you here with me.”
“And I always shall be.”
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Gently he places her beside himself so he can stand up. He then bends down scooping her off the ground. Her laughter reverberates through his chest reviving much of the dead space there. He had been slowly shutting himself down before she got here. Constantly thinking about her was driving him mad but the madness would not take. Now she was here and it was awakening all of the joy that he thought he lost the day he learned she had died.
Carefully he carries her to his bunk carved into the side of the cliff. It is not soft, nor warm but with her in his arms he no longer cares. Reverently he lays her down while he sits beside her just relishing in the chance to see her again, touch her again, hear her again, and kiss her again. He kisses her.
Nearly overwhelmed with the emotions being together brings they hold each other close as their hands remember each other. He takes her hand in his gently kissing each of the cuts and scrapes as if his kisses can mend her. She knows they can.
He takes his time almost afraid to take his eyes off of her for even a moment in fear that she will disappear. Tugging on his hair she pulls him close letting her lips suck gently on his. Their kisses are languid, not hurried as if they have all of eternity to explore one another. She smiles because they do.
Unhurriedly they undress each other anointing the exposed skin with kisses and caresses. No moment is taken for granted. They have the rest of forever. When they join as one each cries out with the elation of knowing they are no longer alone. They have found their other half again and they will fight the devil himself if need be to stay together.
As they press their skin against each other they savor the post-coital kisses and caresses knowing this isn’t the end but a beginning. One neither will give up without a fight. For the first time since that fateful day he falls asleep with the bliss that the love of his life will still be there when he awakes.
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When he awakes he is lying face down on the most luxurious bedding he can ever remember. His mind is foggy, unsure what has transpired. Slowly bits begin to return to him such as the fact that Alex was with him. Eyes going wide he searches the frankly enormous bed but she is not there. Looking around the room he has no idea where he is. It is richly appointed such as a room one might find in a castle in France during the Renaissance.
He doesn’t understand. His mind is racing trying to put the pieces together. He was with Alex, wasn’t he? Or did he dream that again? Even so, where is he now? He doesn’t remember ever being in this place before. The devastating emotions overwhelm him as he sits in the middle of the large four poster bed and lets the tears stream down his face.
Out of the corner of his eye he sees the white muslin curtains blow in the breeze from the open balcony doors. In through those doors walks Alex wearing a white flowing nightgown. At the sight of her before him he breaks down further no longer sure what is real and what is in his mind.
She rushes to his side pulling him into her arms. He clings to her without any pretext. He needs to be certain she cannot get away. “Oh my darling. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke. I didn’t mean for you to worry. I’m here darling. I’m here.”
It takes some time before he lessens his hold on her before he can look into her eyes. “Where are we Alex? I don’t understand.”
Cupping his face with her palm she kisses him gently before she explains. “My darling we are back in my room in heaven.”
“What!?! How can that be?”
“Perhaps this will explain it.” She tries to pull away from him but he holds to her fiercely. Kissing his forehead, “I promise I’m not going anywhere, just let me get something.” Reluctantly he nods and lessens his hold.
He watches as she walks across the suite to the table he hadn’t noticed before ladened with fruits and pastries. When she returns she is carrying a parchment that she hands to him. She snuggles up next to him before he turns to read it. On it written in a curvy calligraphy are these words:
“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13
To sacrifice in the name of love is most honorable. Your devotion to one another has not gone unnoticed by the creator.
Your transgressions have been forgiven.
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