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It wasn’t a business trip.
Quiet rage singed Naru’s heart as she stared at the train tickets, valid for the first Sunday in April.
Umino had been mentioning it for weeks, always in a slightly nervous way, which she hadn’t paid much attention to because he hated travelling by Shinkansen. Her husband got bullet-train-sick because “the landscape just goes by too fast”. He had even requested to be booked onto local trains instead, but to save time and to uphold their honorable image (and because they got business rates), his company made him take the bullet train every time.
So, whenever the topic had come up in recent weeks, he had lamented at her for having to travel the one and a half hours to Sendai by Shinkansen when local trains would only have taken twice as long.
The tickets in her hand weren’t for the Shinkansen, or for Sendai. They were for Kawasaki.
“He’s going to Kawasaki…” Rei began, but it was Minako who finished her sentence, “...on the first Sunday of April?” Across the table, they exchanged a look.
“I can’t believe he would do that to me,” Naru raged and took a long sip of her cocktail. Being friends with the staff of Crown Fruit Parlour had its advantages, such as getting a complimentary shot of alcohol added to the otherwise exclusively virgin drinks that were advertised for this time of day.
“It is a really shitty move,” Usagi agreed emphatically while attacking the strawberries that topped the giant dollop of whipped cream on her sundae.
Makoto gently touched Naru’s arm. “Hadn’t you two even been talking about kids recently?”
Naru sniffed. “Yes! He said he wanted to wait until he got a promotion.” She gloomily stared into her cocktail glass, now nearly empty. “I just feel so… left behind.”
In the corner, Ami was tapping away on a tablet. “What are you going to do?” She levelled her gaze at Naru through her round glasses.
“I don’t know…” Naru’s voice trailed off. She sighed. “I can’t confront him. I don’t even know what I’d say. It hurts, most of all the deceit. I never would have expected that from him.”
“You probably don’t even have to say anything,” Usagi munched between bites, “a direct look from you might set him on fire.”
“But you want him to pay, don’t you?” Rei inquired.
“Really make him suffer,” Minako added, her voice a tad too malicious to be gleeful.
Makoto eyed them suspiciously. “What are you two cooking up?”
“You’ll want blackmail material,” Minako continued, more matter-of-factly. “You know, just in case.”
Naru contemplated. “That’s probably not a bad idea,” she said into her now empty glass.
Ami cast a worried look across her group of friends. “Mina… what are you getting at?”
“She should catch him in the act!” Mina waved her spoon at Ami. “In fact…” She did a too-obvious double take that destroyed the impression of a thought having only just occurred to her, and slapped her hands on the table, “we should all go along so Naru isn’t alone!”
Rei jumped in, only a little less obvious. “That’s a great idea, Mina! That way, he has less of a chance of getting away scot free!”
Usagi’s head appeared from behind her whipped cream tower. “Yeah, let’s do that! Give him a fright he’ll never forget! Teach him you’re not to be messed with!”
Ami took off her glasses and cleaned them with a napkin. “I don’t know, this could be really counterproductive...”
“Come on,” Rei said, “Don’t you want to support your good friend after she’s been betrayed like that?”
Makoto tried to rein in the situation. “Would you want us to come with you?” she asked Naru.
Naru contemplated again and reached a decision. “Why not? Might as well make a day of it and turn it into a girls day.”
“Come along,” Umino had said. “It’ll be fun.” he said.
Umino hadn’t said that.
He had, frantically, texted “I broke mubglasses thos ornignig no opticit9c9wnsv9s0pen please elep me O cNT sk NRU”
Mamoru, half bemused and half concerned, had called Umino back immediately.
“Hey, are you alright? What’s going on?”
“Mamoru! Oh, thank you so much, I’m so sorry but I don’t know what to do! I need to go somewhere, today , and Naru can’t know, but I can’t see anything!”
“Slow down, slow down, it’s gonna be fine. Don’t you have a backup pair?”
“Yes but I can’t find it so I’d have to ask her, and she can’t know! I should have left half an hour ago and I’ve already missed my train, I’m gonna be late! Please, Mamoru, can you drive me? And, um, I might also need help finding my way around...”
Usagi had told him she had plans today that involved the gaggle of girls, and he hadn’t wanted to be a fifth (or sixth) wheel, so he might as well do his good deed for the day.
“Of course, no problem. Where do you need to go?”
Oh, how he regretted those words now.
“Why are all these streets closed off?” Mamoru wondered while glancing at his GPS to see if they were near any useful parking lots, but the device kept recalculating with each turn he was not taking.
In the passenger seat next to him, Umino was a bundle of nerves. “I’d say you can just drop me off here but-”
“-but you’d walk into a lamp post or fall into an open manhole. I get it.” He spotted an electronic parking lot sign displaying the availability for six parking lots in the vicinity, but they all showed no open spots. The streets seemed to be unusually busy with pedestrians, too, all armed with cameras and smartphones at the ready.
“What is going on here? There a celebrity in town?”
“Uh, there is a festi-”
“ Gotcha!” Mamoru’s triumphant exclamation interrupted Umino’s stammered explanation, as a car pulled out of an on-street parking spot right in front of them. Mamoru used up all his man-points for the day on parallel parking in record time, with cars honking behind him and in a spot that was only marginally bigger than his Alfa Romeo SZ.
Later he would think that that was probably significant.
As they got out of the car, Mamoru had the GPS on his phone ready. “Okay, where do you need to go?” Busy as it was, it would probably take twice as long to get back to Tokyo so he wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible. It was an unusually warm and sunny spring day, and Umino was dressed in his finest kimono for some reason.
“The Kanayama Shrine,” came Umino’s reply. He had started sweating the second he left the air conditioned vehicle.
Mamoru quickly programmed the pedestrian route and noted that all roads around the shrine had been closed. Just as well they had gotten this parking spot, there would have been no chance of getting any closer to their final destination.
All the people with their smartphones were going towards the main road so he decided to cut through the side roads and approach the shrine from the north instead of getting to it from the south which was normally the fastest route. With Umino in tow, who had a hand firmly grasped around his jacket sleeve so they couldn’t get separated, Mamoru made his way through the crowds.
He paid more attention to not losing Umino than the people and events around him, but something began to nag at the back of his mind. Something was ringing a bell about this place. Kanayama Shrine in Kawasaki… a Sunday in early April… festival…
Oh no.
They rounded a corner and Mamoru’s vision was suddenly filled with a gargantuan, pink penis looming just beyond the Torii gate.
“ Welcome to Kanamara Matsuri, the Festival of the Steel Phallus,” a cheery voice announced via tannoy. “ The parade will begin in half an hour! Please make your way from the shrine to the parade route and enjoy the festivities!”
“Why did you have to pick today of all days to need to go to this shrine?” Mamoru stared at the writhing masses of people in desperation, wondering how on Earth they would get to the sanctuary.
When he turned around to look at Umino, he was concerned to find the young man’s face glowing bright red.
“Are you okay? Are you uncomfortable around large amounts of people?”
Are you uncomfortable around large amounts of penis , his mind unhelpfully amended, but then he was sure Umino wasn’t even able to make out the structure.
Umino fidgeted. “Um, well, now…”
“Do you need to sit down?”
“No, no!” Umino hastily declined, “I need to get to the shrine! I, um…”
“ Welcome to the Festival of the Steel Phallus, ” the voice repeated, “ may your prayers today be answered and your families grow! The parade will begin in… ”
The shade on Umino’s face darkened even further. It was then that Mamoru understood.
“You’re here to pray? You guys been trying for kids?”
“You can never tell Naru! Please!” Umino’s panicked voice had jumped up an octave. “She thinks I’m silly for going to fortune tellers and believing in ghost stories but… if it helps…”
Mamoru smiled. In his medical career he had seen many patients finding solace in their belief and more often than not, he was sure it aided their recovery. He fully supported living by believing a little. Which meant that now, he had a job to do.
“Let’s get you to the shrine.”
With Umino in tow, still holding on to his jacket sleeve, Mamoru made his way through the festival visitors. He dodged countless revellers wearing knitted hats in the shape of an erect phallus complete with testicle earmuffs, eating bright pink penis lollies and swinging selfie sticks.
They made it to the sanctuary just before it was closed for prayers as the parade was due to begin. Mamoru led his charge to the bell cord and watched the tension drain away from Umino as he bowed deeply twice, clapped his hands twice and rang the bell. Then, Umino stepped away and politely gestured towards the cord.
“Oh, um…” Mamoru blushed. “I don’t…” How was he supposed to explain to Umino that he already knew he would definitely have a family with Usagi? Then again…
A quick prayer never hurt anyone.
He stepped up to the bell and performed the ritual himself. Just as the bell’s reverberation subsided, a voice sounded behind him.
“Mamo...chan?”
Oh, no.
Minako had organised the trip like a military operation. She had booked the train tickets online for the whole group while they were still at Crown, “so nobody can back out on you, Naru!” The train she had chosen was an hour earlier than the time Umino had booked for, so there was plenty of time to prepare “and also enjoy the festival, you know,” Rei added.
Minako had taken a whole bunch of SD cards for her brand new digital camera which linked directly to her smartphone so she could upload to her Instagram straight away. The entire time on the train, she was salty that she couldn’t film a “guess where we’re going” story because it might tip Umino off, while Ami was casually dishing out facts about their destination.
“The whole festival dates back to the 17th century, but it was revived in 1969” - cue immature snickers from Usagi and Minako - “to raise AIDS awareness. It now raises money for HIV research and also serves as an opportunity for LGBTQ people to have something similar to a Pride parade in Japan.”
“How did it start in the first place?” Makoto asked, genuinely interested. Ami was delighted to find a captive audience.
“There was a legend that a sharp toothed demon hid in the vagina of a goddess and bit off the penises of her first two husbands.” Everybody fell silent, not so much at the explanation but that it was Ami who was giving it in such a matter-of-fact way. She stared them all down. “ Please. I’m a doctor .”
“Anyway,” she continued, completely unfazed, “the third husband was a blacksmith and seemed to want to keep his reproductive organ as well as his wife, so he made an iron penis. Legend has it that the demon broke its teeth on it” - Usagi winced - “so the goddess is now revered for granting fertility and preventing sexually transmitted diseases. These days, most people visit her shrine for the festival to pray for a big family.”
“And the parade!” Rei interjected. “The floats are… something else.”
“I’m really looking forward to it!” Usagi beamed.
Naru looked at her in surprise. “You are?” So far, her friend had mainly seemed to be joining to support her.
“Of course!” Usagi responded emphatically, “Where there’s a festival, there’s going to be amazing street food!”
“Six, please!”, Minako requested from the sweet elderly lady who manned the confectionery stall. Once armed with the penis lollies, she distributed them among the women and, of course, insisted on a group selfie.
Ami cast a look at the lolly in her hand and mumbled to herself.
“What was that?”, inquired Rei.
“Nothing”, Ami was a little too quick to say, and then, under Rei’s scrutinizing gaze, added quietly, “...those are not particularly anatomically correct.”
“Ami-chan!” Usagi exclaimed in surprise, “How do you know that?”
Ami mumbled “Like I said, I’m a doctor…”, but the beetroot shade of her face suggested a different reason.
By now, Makoto was wearing a knitted phallus hat - “Look at this fantastic craftsmanship, I wonder if they’ve got the pattern for sale” - and Rei had splurged on a bag of vagina-shaped candies. Usagi was already on her second portion of Yakitori because she had dropped the food container with her first purchase when she had accidentally bumped into one of the numerous vagina mascots patrolling the streets. Naru absently listened as Ami explained the significance of the three portable Mikoshi shrines that would be paraded through the streets later.
A street fair game drew Usagi’s attention. “Oooh, look how cute! I’m gonna play!”
Rei spotted the prize that had enamored her friend and took position next to her. “Not if I can get it first!”
“You never let me just have anything, do you?” Usagi grumbled.
“Hey, if your aim is better than mine, you can have it!” Rei sneered, grabbed one of the distinctly phallic water guns and began taking out the breast shaped targets with extreme prejudice. Usagi scrambled to follow suit, but two minutes later Rei walked away with the plushie.
“That’s not fair!” Usagi wailed, “How was I supposed to win against you, Miss Fire Arrow? I want a rematch!”
“Like that would make a difference,” Rei retorted, “You wouldn’t have won it anyway given that you didn’t even manage to hit a single target. Besides…” she smiled gently and held the toy out to her friend, “I only played to make sure you definitely got it.”
Usagi beamed and jumped and hugged Rei. “Really?! Oh thank you so much Rei, I knew you’re not a nasty, annoying-”
“Yeah yeah, take it before I change my mind.” She shoved the plushie at Usagi while freeing herself from the strangling embrace.
Usagi blissfully hugged the pink, footlong, googly eyed penis plushie, rubbing her face on it and whispering “ So soft …” before adding it to the bag of all the other merchandise they had acquired today.
“So,” Naru asked Minako, “what’s the plan for when Umino gets here?”
Minako was wearing her just-shy-of-malicious expression again. “Wait for him at the shrine, and then we snap some evidence photos for you.” With we , Minako meant herself. “And the next time he falls out of line, you threaten to plaster them all over Instagram!”
“We need to get going,” Rei mused. “His train will arrive soon.”
They dragged Usagi away from a stall selling choco bananas and joined the line of people queuing to pray at the shrine.
“Once we’re there, we’ll sneak off somewhere to the side,” Rei said. “There’s usually a sheltered spot near the sanctuary from which you can oversee the courtyard.”
She was right, and so the six women took position surveying the pilgrims. Half an hour later, Naru got worried. “He should’ve been here ages ago. What if something happened to him?”
“I’m sure he’s fine,” Makoto smiled and gestured at the courtyard packed with people, “look how busy it is. He’s probably just queuing forever.” She inclined her head, forgetting the top-heavy knitted phallus crowning her, and quickly had to stop it from toppling off.
They watched as the three portable Mikoshi shrines were lined up at the Torii gate and the shrine-bearers prepared for the parade, and Ami began lecturing again.
“That wooden one is Kanamara Mikoshi, the oldest of the three,” she pointed at the first portable shrine with a square base and a small roof, housing a three foot high phallus statue. “The boat-shaped one over there, that’s the Kanamara Boat Mikoshi. It was donated by Hitachi Zosen and that penis is actually made of iron.”
The next object being wheeled into the courtyard made Naru blush to the roots of her hair. There was no roof on this one, presumably because it was huge . The bright pink dildo stood about six foot on the wooden structure and dwarfed most people standing around it.
“Now this one”, Ami continued with something akin to glee in her voice, “is a bit different to the other two. This is the Elizabeth Mikoshi, and it was donated by the crossdressing club Elizabeth Kaikan. I think it’s the inclusion of this shrine that is the reason why this festival has become something of an event for-”
“ Welcome to Kanamara Matsuri, the Festival of the Steel Penis,” she was interrupted by the tannoy. “ The parade will begin in half an hour. Please…”
“Oh no, he’s still not here!” Naru looked around the courtyard frantically. “What if we missed him?”
“There’s no way,” Minako insisted, “I’d have spotted his glasses from a mile away. That’s a unique look.”
“ Welcome to the Festival of the Steel Phallus, ” the voice repeated, “ may your prayers today be answered and your families grow! The parade will begin in… ”
“But he will be here soon,” Rei reassured her, “They close the shrine for praying at the beginning of the parade to make space for the floats, so they’ll usher in everyone before that.”
The minutes ticked by and Naru became increasingly anxious until… “There he is!”
“Where? I don’t see him?” Minako scanned the people in the queue.
“There, right at the sanctuary! He’s about to pray!”
“That’s not- woah, you’re right!” Minako did a double take. “Why isn’t he wearing his glasses? How did you even recognise him without them?”
Naru levelled a scathing look at Minako. “He’s my husband . I’ve seen him without his glasses, you know,” she added, and managed to blush only a little.
Minako scrambled to get her camera ready and the four women followed her and Naru as they closed in on the man Naru had identified as Umino. As they got closer, Ami pointed in the direction of the man who had prayed next and mouthed to Makoto, “Hang on, isn’t that…”
They whirled round to Usagi, but it was too late. She took a few steps towards the two men and eyed them both sceptically.
“Mamo...chan?”
The colour of Mamoru's face resembled that of the penis statue behind him. “Usako! I- what- how- it’s not what it looks like,” he finished lamely.
“You’re in on this?!” Usagi raged, but her outburst was nothing compared to Naru’s, who levelled her voice at Umino in a quiet, almost composed way.
“You went with Mamoru instead of me?”
Umino visibly shrank into his collar. “I- I didn’t want to put pressure on you, and you always say I believe in silly things, and-” Naru cut him off.
“We’ve been talking about starting a family for a year and you’re going to a fertility festival to pray without me ? You idiot !”
Umino shrank even more. “It was supposed to be a surprise… I’m due to finally be promoted next month and I was going to tell you and then we were watching that TV show about fortune telling and you made fun of me but I just wanted to be sure I’d done everything I could before we… um…” he fizzled out.
Naru’s expression became soft. “You idiot,” she repeated, but in a much softer tone. “I know how important this sort of thing is to you. It’s part of you, and part of why I love you.”
Umino visibly relaxed, and grew a little taller again. He tentatively smiled at his wife, who took his hands.
“If you’d told me you were planning this, of course I would have wanted to come along! I can’t believe you went without me! How can you pray for a family without your other half?”
“Yes, Mamo-chan,” Usagi said coldly, “how can you pray for a family without your other half?”
Mamoru lifted his hands in what he hoped was a pacifying gesture. “I just drove him! He broke his glasses and missed his train!”
“Don’t lie to me! I saw you pray!” Usagi crossed her arms.
“Well, um,” he stammered, “I thought… while I’m already here…” A warm smile spread across his face and he leaned in close to Usagi to murmur in her ear. “Don’t you want to see her again sooner rather than later?”
Usagi melted. Of course she did. They both missed their little girl so much it hurt, and if a quick prayer might speed up the process…
Her thoughts were interrupted by Umino fainting.
---
Ami and Mamoru were both at Umino’s side in an instant, Mamoru lifting Umino’s head and Ami pulling a bottle of water and a pack of energy jelly containing electrolytes from her purse.
“Adrenaline crash”, Mamoru diagnosed.
“Plus possible heat exhaustion and dehydration,” Ami supplied.
Umino had already opened his eyes again and tried to save what little face he had left in front of his wife and her friends. “I’m fine, I’m okay, I just need to sit down for a short while!” He spotted a horizontal wooden structure in the distance. “I’ll just go sit down on that bench over there.”
“Darling-” Naru began, but Umino was determined.
“No no, don’t you worry, my love, I’ll just sit down for a minute and catch my breath.”
And so, Umino stumbled towards the giant wooden penis that sat on the ground at an angle, clearly a photo-op that had been installed in the wake of Instagram, meant for revellers to be riding them like fairground horses.
“Should we stop him?” Rei murmured.
“Don’t you dare”, Minako gleefully responded.
The wannabe paparazzi wasn’t disappointed.
Years of repeated polishing by both hands and cloth had smoothed the wood to the point that it shone, showcasing the grain in the wooden shaft as well as the carved folds near the bulbous tip.
Umino arrived at the structure.
Turned around to face his friends with confidence.
Sat down forcefully.
And slid right off the penis, tilting to the side and smacking his head.
As he blacked out the second time this day, deciding he’ll just rest his weary head for a moment, he heard the faint click of a camera shutter.
The air in the first aid tent was stuffy when Umino came to, not only because the midday sun was now at its zenith, burning down relentlessly and turning the plastic structure into a sauna, but also because all six of his friends had insisted on cramming in along with his wife.
Ami and Mamoru had evidently commandeered the treatment as Ami was checking his pulse while Mamoru explained to Naru how he was administering fluids.
Umino was relieved to be given the all-clear by all the medical professionals present - the only thing that really hurt was his pride. He hoped that he would make it home without any further mishaps.
As he exited the tent, the first thing his eyes fell on was Rei. She was deep throating a penis lolly, and, upon noticing him, looked him straight in the eyes while licking her lips.
Umino broke out in a nosebleed.
“Our return train is in half an hour,” Ami notified the group. “We should make our way to the train station.”
Umino, two wads of paper tissue stuffed up his nostrils, gave them a thumbs up. “Do Probleb! Baboru, let’s walk de ladies to de statiob.”
“Actually…” Mamoru put his arm around Usagi’s shoulders. “It might make more sense if you take Usagi’s train ticket and go home with your wife, and Usagi can come home in the car with me.”
“That’s a great idea,” Usagi chimed in, “I bought so much stuff, it’ll be easier to take in the car!” She lifted up her bags full of sweets and merchandise.
“Oh!” Minako exclaimed, “Let me get my stuff from your bags in that case!”
The two women set out to separate their purchases. While they tried to be as discreet as possible, Minako threw a meaningful look at Rei just once, when she transferred a penis shaped candle to her own carrier bag.
As Mamoru and Usagi were walking to the street where he had parked his car, he struggled to follow the directions on the GPS. Usagi was absent-mindedly and slowly licking another candy penis.
“It’s a shame,” she interrupted his thoughts suddenly, “we didn’t get to see the parade. I didn’t want to leave Umino and Naru while he was in the first aid tent, but I’d have liked to see the floats being carried through the town.”
She gave the lolly another languishing lick.
Mamoru stared at the sweet in her mouth, and she noticed his burning gaze.
“Oh! Sorry, do you want to try it?”
“Um, er, no thank you”, he declined red-faced. “But, um, you know, we could visit again next year...”
“And pray together this time,” she smiled. “Properly.”
Happily, she sucked deeply on the candy. Mamoru made a strangled noise. Usagi glanced at him and understood.
“Is it the car? You’re worried about me getting candy all over the leather, aren’t you? Yeah, probably a good idea to finish this before we get in.”
And she bit off the tip, chewing the chunks with crunching noises.
10th April at 10:42
love_me_minako78: Hey, you’re famous!!
10th April at 10:55
gurio.umino: ?
10th April at 10:57
love_me_minako78: Check out the photo collection of the festival! <3
10th April at 10:57
gurio.umino: what did you do
10th April at 10:58
love_me_minako78: kanagawa-jinja.or.jp/festival/photos.htm
Helplessly, Umino stared at the image on the screen.
