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Cho Sang-Woo had been nursing a crush on his best friend Seong Gi-Hun for years. He couldn't point out the exact moment in his life where he realised that what he felt towards his hyung was more than just friendship, but if he had to hazard a guess he'd probably say it was the year he'd turned 13. Gi-Hun was 15 and he'd just gotten his first girlfriend, he said Sang-Woo was supposed to be happy for him but all the younger man felt was jealousy.
When he'd asked his mother about that feeling, full of nieve wonder and confusion, he'd been told to never talk like that again. She told him that he couldn't be attracted to men because he'd never be successful if he was. Sang-Woo hadn't understood at the age of 13. Why couldn't he be the person he wanted to be? Why couldn't he proudly tell everyone he thought Gi-Hun's smile was the prettiest smile in the whole world?
As he grew older, those feelings only grew more and more. Innocent infatuation developed into lust and desire. Each time Gi-Hun would tell Sang-Woo about the girl he'd slept with that weekend, going into all the details, Sang-Woo couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to be the one in Gi-Hun's bed.
Would his hyung be gentle? Or was he rough? Did he like to use his hands or his tongue? From the way Gi-Hun spoke about his girl of the week, Sang-Woo got the impression that Gi-Hun liked to use his mouth to bring pleasure to others. Sometimes at night in the solitude of his own bedroom, Sang-Woo would imagine what it would feel like to have Gi-Hun's mouth around him while he touched himself.
The words his mother had told him echoed in his head almost every time he looked at Gi-Hun. You can't throw your life away over a man, you have to find a woman.
So Sang-Woo did just that. There was a girl in his class who had been flirting with him relentlessly at every opportunity, her name was Ji-Ho. One night, after Sang-Woo had a little too much to drink at her party, he took her to bed. Gi-Hun had given him a thumbs up as Ji-Ho had taken Sang-Woo's hand and led him up the stairs towards her bedroom.
Sang-Woo struggled to get hard from her touch at first, but when he closed his eyes and kissed her neck he could pretend it was his hyung. That was enough to get him going. Ji-Ho had been gentle with him, guiding him along as he entered her, whispering praise into his ear as he thrust into her. When Sang-Woo came it took all his strength not to call out Gi-Hun's name.
He threw up in the bathroom not long after.
He had dated Ji-Ho for a while after that. They went on double dates with Gi-Hun and his woman of the week, and Sang-Woo even slept with her a few more times. The fact he found himself throwing up after each time was what helped him to realise that this wasn't normal. Sang-Woo didn't love Ji-Ho. He was just trying to act normal for his mother and for society. The fourth month of their relationship was when he finally blew it.
Ji-Ho was going down on him, her soft mouth wrapped around Sang-Woo's hard length as his hand tangled in her hair and guided her slowly. Sang-Woo had his eyes closed, mouth hanging open as he muttered about how good he felt. Ji-Ho stopped suddenly and sat back with tears in her eyes as she wiped her mouth on the back of her hand. "Sang-Woo what the fuck?" Her voice was rough but her facial expressions gave away that something was wrong. "Gi-Hun? What the fuck? Are you thinking about your best friend while I suck you off?"
Sang-Woo didn't know what to say. He stuttered to find an answer but nothing came. He felt humiliated and also a little afraid. What if Ji-Ho went around and told everyone at school? His life would be over. Shit. What if she told Gi-Hun?
Obviously the panic was evident on his face because Ji-Ho's eyes softened and she let out a heavy sigh, shuffling forward on his knees. "Hey...Oppa. Look at me. It's okay, seriously." She laughed a little and ran her fingers through Sang-Woo's short hair because she knew from experience that it always helped him calm down. "I've known for a while now that something was different about you...I just didn't expect you to end up being gay. I hope it wasn't something I did?"
Sang-Woo looked at her and shook his head quickly. "No..no! It wasn't anything you did it's just….it's just who I am Ji-Ho. I'm sorry." He hung his head in shame, a red flush of embarrassment creeping up his neck and reaching the tips of his ears. Ji-Ho lay down beside him with a sigh and shook her head, continuing to run her fingers through Sang-Woo's hair. "You don't need to apologise. And don't worry I'm not going to tell anyone about this." She smiled and Sang-Woo did his best to smile back even though both of them knew it was forced.
"But Oppa." Sang-Woo turned to look at her with a questioning look. "You can’t...y'know...get with a guy. You can't tell anyone you're gay. It'll ruin your life and you're so smart I know you can have a good life after school. You just can't tell anyone." Ji-Ho sighed and held his hand on top of the covers. "I really do love you Sang-Woo. I don't want to see you get hurt." She said softly and squeezed his hand softly. Sang-Woo squeezed back with a small nod. "Thank you...I know."
Needless to say, Ji-Ho and Sang-Woo broke up the next day but they stayed friends. It was strange, having someone other than his mother know about his sexuality but at the same time it was kind of nice. When Sang-Woo and Ji-Ho would hang out together, Ji-Ho would occasionally see a cute guy walking by and lean in close to Sang-Woo to say something like "Hey that guy has a cute ass doesn't he oppa?" And Sang-Woo would go bright red before agreeing.
Sang-Woo continued to push away his feelings for Gi-Hun, bottling them up deep inside him and continuing to focus on school. It was only a matter of time before the bottle overflowed.
The weekend before Sang-Woo was set to leave for SNU, Gi-Hun had insisted on throwing his friend a going away party. Since he was the first person from their tiny neighbourhood to get accepted into a prestigious university, most of the neighbourhood showed up to the party.
Sang-Woo had been drinking since the late afternoon, he'd lost track of how much he'd had after the third beer and the second bottle of Soju. He knew he was definitely well on the way to blackout drunk but so was Gi-Hun. The two had been sitting together all day chatting and drinking, making plans for Gi-Hun to come visit him in Seoul once he got settled in. The conversation was light and Sang-Woo felt so happy in that moment, drinking with his hyung, surrounded by their neighbours, family and friends. It was perfect.
Gi-Hun was sitting so close to Sang-Woo that their knees were touching, he was laughing at something the younger man had just said, head thrown back and cheeks rosy from the drink. Sang-Woo didn't even realise what he was doing until it was too late. Until his lips connected with Gi-Hun's lips.
Gi-Hun pulled away from him like he'd been physically hurt by the contact, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand while a disgusted look crossed his usually soft and happy face. He lifted his hand and slapped Sang-Woo across the face with so much force the younger man's head snapped to the side and his cheek stung instantly. Gi-Hun stood up and made as much space between them as he could. "Seriously what the fuck Sang-Woo? I'm not a fucking fag why did you just do that!?"
Gi-Hun looked around them to see if anyone else had seen what just happened and sure enough a few of their friends were staring at them with similarly disgusted looks on their faces. Sang-Woo couldn't speak, he just stared at the floor and brought his hand up to rest over his stinging cheek. Shit. He'd really done it. He'd ruined his life.
"How long have you been thinking about that huh? If you've been thinking about kissing me then you've probably imagined me fucking you too, huh? Fucking queer. I've slept over at your place for years and the whole time you've been thinking about my dick? Ssibal. You're sick Sang-Woo. I can't believe you're a fag. I can't believe I was friends with someone like you. You make me sick."
Was. The word sent pain through Sang-Woo's chest and he stood up, shoving past Gi-Hun and running outside before anyone could see the tears he was fighting to hold back. Gi-Hun would never want to speak to him again. The friendship that had lasted 16 years had come to a bitter end in just a few seconds. Sang-Woo could hear Ji-Ho calling out his name but he ran around to the side of the building and threw up against the wall while he struggled to catch his breath. He slid to the ground and hid his face in his knees, forcing himself to breathe through the panic attack that was washing over him.
A hand landed on his shoulder, and he looked up expecting to see Ji-Ho but instead he saw a fist just seconds away from colliding with his face. The punch broke his glasses and sent his head back against the wall with a crack that made Sang-Woo dizzy. A kick to his side forced him to uncurl from himself leaving his stomach open for more kicks to land. Sang-Woo couldn't see the faces of the men assaulting him but he could hear their voices and he knew straight away that they were the guys from Gi-Hun's soccer team. They shouted slurs, told him he was sick, that he better stay away from all of them or they'll kill him because people like him don't deserve to be alive, and finally they told him that Gi-Hun hated him and couldn't even look at him anymore. That hurt Sang-Woo more than any of the kicks or punches.
He rolled onto his stomach and tried to push himself up. Sang-Woo couldn't fight back so his only option was to run away but a well placed kick to his arm caused him to fall face first into the dirty concrete under him. Running was obviously not going to work so he just had to lie there and take it. Through tear soaked eyes, Sang-Woo could see the feet of someone standing watching this all happen. He craned his neck until he could see the face of the spectator, catching a glimpse of Gi-Hun before being shoved back down with a boot on the back of his head. "Don't even look at him you dirty fag." Someone said as they spat on the concrete beside his face. Sang-Woo reached out towards where he'd just seen Gi-Hun standing, lifting a shaking hand in that direction. "H-Hyung. Please..." his hand was stomped on harshly, he heard his fingers crunch and a rough voice shout "What the hell did I just tell you!? Don't fucking look at him. Gi-Hun doesn't care about someone as sick as you."
He wasn't sure at what point he blacked out, but the last thing he remembered was hearing Gi-Hun tell his friends they'd done enough and to stop before they really killed him.
Sang-Woo left for Seoul the next morning and never looked back. The only people he still spoke to from Ssangmun-Dong were his mother and Ji-Ho. They were the only people who he cared about anymore.
He understood now, at age 19, why he couldn't be the person he wanted to be, and why he couldn't tell everyone that Seong Gi-Hun smiled brighter than the sun. Cho Sang-Woo now understood why he couldn't ever be happy.