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Tim was going to crawl out of his damn skin.
He was no stranger to insomnia, but familiarity with it did not make it any more pleasant.
Next to him, Jay seemed to be having better luck, though he would occasionally twitch or hum in his sleep.
Tim wondered if he was dreaming, and if he was, what he was dreaming about. If he was having a nightmare, would he want Tim to wake him up? Who was he seeing in his dreams? The monster? Alex? Him?
Tim tried once again in vain to close his eyes. It was this damn wondering that was the problem in the first place. He was too preoccupied, and Jay was always so damn close.
It made sense, with the situation they were in, with the unspoken connection that had formed between them, that they would migrate towards each other. Which was fine, when that was all it was. When it was just too fractured people trying to patch each other up.
But Tim had to go and complicate things.
Now every touch felt like a threat, on top of a comfort.
You’re supposed to be better at this.
Literally all he had to do, all he had to do, was keep his feelings in his chest and keep his focus on other things. Which should be easy, considering he had plenty of other things to think about, including the people/supernatural beings continuously fucking with his head and/or trying to kill him, and yet.
And yet.
After a few more minutes of attempting to sleep with Jay next to him, cycling between uneasy dread to a strange sort of giddiness, Tim eventually called it quits and got up, careful not to disturb the other. He fished his cigarettes out from a pocket in his jacket, which was clumsily bundled on the desk next to Jay’s laptop.
The nighttime wind cut through him when he stepped out onto the room's narrow balcony. The same shitty view of the parking lot below greeted him. They hadn’t moved in a while. Things have been relatively quiet. Plenty of time for his thoughts to stew.
He fished out a cigarette, feeling exhausted in that punched-out, all-encompassing way that came from staying up all night. Still, he knew he wouldn’t be able to get to sleep. He flicked on his lighter, and resigned himself to feeling like shit tomorrow. He leaned his elbow on the railing, eyelids drooping.
Then he heard the door behind him open with a click, startling in the quiet of the night, and he watched his lighter disappear into the night as he dropped it with a yelp.
He swung his head around, his breaths coming fast, and met Jay’s wide eyes.
—
Jay had been sleeping.
Jay had been sleeping, and then he had been dreaming.
He had been in a park. Alex, Brian, Tim, and Seth were there, and it was raining like nobody’s business.
The rain had come out of nowhere, and everyone was yelling, but no one was afraid.
He was running on slick mud, and the air was full of voices.
He felt warm, like he had been wrapped in a thick blanket, even as he shivered.
He felt like he could reach his hand out in any direction, and touch skin. Feel another human next to him. He felt engulfed by humanity, gently held by many hands.
The entire sky was blotted out by black clouds. He could hear Tim’s laughter. He could hear his own laughter. He could feel laughter, inside of him and against him.
He could see
a tall man-
.
.
.
He was inside a car.
He was driving. Tim was driving.
It was raining on the windows.
They were not running from anything.
“Jeez, it’s really raining again?” Jay had said. “You think this movie’s cursed or something?”
Tim had laughed. “Cursed with Alex’s writing, maybe.”
Jay had said something in response. The words tasted like static.
“-a loop of unhappiness isn’t too bad, it’s like-”
“-I don’t regret it or anything, I’ve actually been having fun, even if-”
“-hey, you want to-”
“-sure, that would be-”
“-wait, is there someone outs-”
.
.
.
Jay was on a couch. So was Tim. It was Tim’s couch.
There was a movie on. Neither of them were watching it. The TV screen was bright blue. The light reflected on Tim’s face, and he was handsome.
They were talking. Jay couldn’t hear what they were saying. Couldn’t remember. It was nice anyway. Warm.
“Sometimes I feel like I need to keep moving or I’ll die. Like a shark. Except I’m not moving towards anything. Just swimming in circles.” Jay didn’t say.
“Why don’t I remember this?” Jay didn’t say.
“I’m like a shark in an aquarium. Staring at people through a glass wall. Can’t ever really reach them. Can only look at them. Lapping a fucking tank.” Jay didn’t say.
Tim’s mouth moved in response. Jay couldn’t hear him.
“Why didn’t I record this?” Jay didn’t say.
“Why can’t I keep this?” Jay didn’t say.
“Why is there a man at the window?” Tim didn-
—
Jay cracked his eyes open, feeling like absolute dogshit. The dream didn’t fade away like they usually did, instead its impression lingered on the back of his eyelids.
Jay was alone on the bed.
He sat up quickly, scanning the room. When he realized he couldn’t see Tim, panic began to prickle at his heart.
“Shit.” He whispered to himself, shaking his head to try and clear it. “He’s probably fine. Just in the bathroom or something.”
The words failed to calm him down. His heart writhed against his ribs.
He stood up, his eyes slowly adjusting to the dark. Air. Some air would help him.
He slid the balcony door open with a clatter, and-
—
“Fuck!” Tim groaned, feeling panic slowly give way to relief. He dragged a hand down his face. “Christ, Jay. You scared the shit out of me.”
Jay looked as startled as Tim felt, blinking against the darkness. “Sorry. Didn’t know you were out here.”
“Yeah.” Tim grumbled. “Couldn’t sleep.”
Jay closed the door behind him and moved to stand next to Tim. His fingers brushed Tim’s elbow as he gripped the railing. “That makes two of us.”
Tim made a non-committal noise in response, wishing he still had the means to light his cigarette. But his lighter was somewhere in the hotel parking lot below, so he let the silence sit, not looking at Jay. He had come out here to avoid thinking about Jay, and as far as he was concerned that plan wasn’t changing just because Jay was now standing right next to him.
“Dream woke me up.” Jay said, showing complete disregard for Tim’s brilliant plan.
“Yeah?” Tim sighed, resigning himself to the conversation.
“Yeah. It was like… a memory. Or, a few memories, all mixed together. I think they were real though. They really happened.” His nose scrunched up, like he had smelled something strong. “Well, mostly.”
“So, what, you’re having prophetic dreams now?”
Jay laughed softly, the sound barely audible over the wind. Tim thought it was a nice laugh, because he was an idiot. “No. That would really be the cherry on top of all this, wouldn’t it? If I started having visions?” He shook his head. “But no. Like I said, they were memories. I’m pretty sure prophecies need to be of the future.”
Tim huffed. “Probably.”
Jay crossed his arms over the railing, laying his head on top of them. It reminded Tim of how Jay would fall asleep on his desk. The angles of his face were lit up by the soft glow of the moon, rather than the harsh light of an open laptop. It made him look softer, less tired.
Tim looked away, letting the silence return. He contemplated just leaving, making an excuse about giving sleep another shot, or wanting a shower or something, but didn’t. Instead he just tapped his foot listlessly against the floor. Jay’s boney elbow poked his arm from where it was positioned, since the railing wasn’t really wide enough for both of them.
“They were good memories.” Jay said, and Tim startled, having not expected him to speak again. “Important ones. I wish I had recorded them.”
“I don’t know man. It probably would have looked a little weird if you were just recording random stuff all the time. It’s not like you could’ve known you were gonna run into a monster that fucked with your memories.”
There was a frustrated furrow in Jay’s brow. “I looked weird anyway. It would have been worth it. I would have had more than dreams to prove that I fucking existed before all this. That what I did back then mattered. That it happened.”
Tim stared out into the night. “What’s the point of complaining about it though? It is what it is. Even if you had recorded it, it would still be over.”
Jay hummed. “Well, yeah, but I would still have it. A part of it, at least. An imprint.”
Tim didn’t know how to respond to that, so he didn’t say anything. If Jay was bothered by his silence, he didn’t say so. It seemed like he mostly just wanted to put his thoughts into words, anyway. If the however many youtube videos they were on now said anything, it was that Jay was not built for keeping his thoughts to himself.
“I hate that it can just take things like this. It can’t just take from the present, it has to take from the past too. There were things I had, things I was working towards, that were just… removed.” There was a sour bend in Jay’s mouth. “And now we’re just running in circles. Who knows how long we can keep this up.”
Jay straightened up suddenly, turning to look at Tim. The intensity in Jay’s eyes made anxiety prickle at Tim’s fingertips, the height Jay had on him intensified by the way Tim was slouching over the railing. It wasn’t fear making his skin buzz however, more like trepidation.
“I want to do something for myself.” Jay whispered, though he may as well had shouted with how the words stood out against the silence. “Maybe just to prove I still can. If we might die anyway.”
Jay was very close. The balcony was small, after all. Tim’s traitorous brain thought Jay was beautiful like this, all his uncertainty sanded away into a bullheaded certainty. The part of Jay that moved him to chase some tapes to the end of the earth, to his own doom.
To Tim’s doom too, maybe. But would that really be so bad? If they went down together?
Something for myself Tim thought. He leaned forward minutely, despite himself. He felt Jay’s breath on his face, warm against the chill of the night. He heard him inhale sharply.
“I dreamt about you.” Jay murmured, his fingers ghosting over Tim’s cheek, then his chin. They were close enough now that Jay’s features blurred together.
“So did I.” Tim answered, but the words were swallowed between them before they reached the air.