Chapter Text
This was a new low.
Sure it was kind of fucked up that a bunch of eleven-year-olds used to sell what was- let's be honest here, softcore porn, to adults. It was fucked up how the adults had thrown temper tantrums about two kids being uncomfortable that they were the subject of that porn. It was super fucked up that everyone stalked them during their dates, even when they were just hanging out at home. Craig had basically been given a town-appointed boyfriend who he wasn't allowed to break up with and had to see creepy erotica of them plastered everywhere before he even knew if he could want that kind of thing. That sets a fucking precedent- it makes your identity about everyone else. It makes your relationship about everyone else. It makes coming out, the thing twitter insists is this magical amazing thing, all about everyone else. So now it was especially, astronomically, and mind-blowingly fucked up that South Park Colorado was 'celebrating' coming-out day.
Celebrating, specifically, Craig and Tweek's coming out.
Coming out day isn't even a real holiday. So far as Craig knew, it was just an excuse to take selfies. But South Park being South Park they had to make a circus of it. It wasn't just the pictures- god Craig wished it was just the pictures- but it was banners. Street decorations. Local stations interviewed their teachers and locals about how 'integral' the whole town had been to this heartwarming story of acceptance. Taking credit for it. A whole bunch of strangers jerking themselves off for the role they played in fucking with two closeted kid's lives. Craig had to walk down rainbow-splattered streets overhearing the shops playing that god-awful karaoke song to a school covered in yaoi grafiti.
" -nngng- I t-thought they were done with all this. Jesus!"
Craig sighed and placed his hand on Tweek's back, rubbing his shoulder as he spazzed out by their lockers. The girls had apparently pounced on Tweek the moment he arrived at school, dragging him in the girl's bathroom to doll him up and demand details about their plans for tonight. They were always doing shit like that- treating Tweek like their pet gay friend. Ever since freshman year Teek's phone had been bombarded with pictures of outfit ideas, boys they thought were cute, and Rupaul's Drag Race recaps. It was fucking annoying, but Craig only became pissed off enough to step in when Tweek nearly had a heart attack over Red sending him the lengerie she wanted to buy. Even then- it had been way too complicated for her to wrap her head around why Craig didn't want her to send nudes to his boyfriend.
"Why are they doing this? Did I make them do this? nrrgh! I-I think I did! I told my therapist I felt like I never got to come out, he must have squealed! I totally fucking caused all this!" The little freak whirled on his heel and gripped the lapels of Craig's shirt until his knuckles went white, " JESUS I'm sorry! This is all my fault!"
They stood there as Craig just looked down at Tweek with his usual poker face, before he slowly put his hand over Tweek's fist and pushed it away, "You know it's neither of our faults," he drawled, "This town's a nightmare and your therapist needs to stop talking about you to hookers."
Tweek looked like he wanted to argue, the cog's in his chaotic brain turning as he seemed determined to find some way to prove it was his fault, before he let go of Craig and slumped against a locker.
"R-right. You're right. JEsus okay.. I just..." he took a deep breath, "S-sorry. I shouldn't be... h-how are you doing?"
Another silence as Craig looked around. The picture they had used for bunting along the lockers wasn't one of Craig's best: It was cropped from him playing basketball and some of his hair was poking out from his chullo. Though he couldn't quite place why, that lock of hair almost bothered him more than the drawings. The drawings always showed his hair, usually some anime haircut that hung over his eyes. It was easy for Craig to dismiss that since it wasnt even what his hair looked like under the hat. But when there was photographic evidence of his least favourite physical trait…
"Meh," Craig deadpanned, "I'm pissed off, but I dont see how that'll help anything."
Tweek made a furious little growling noise and yanked at his hair. Fuck.
"I get why you're mad, though," Craig added in a slightly quicker deadpan, "I'm not the one they're dragging into the girl's bathroom."
"I don't wanna fucking go in there! JEsus! I'm not a fucking girl!" the thermos in Tweek's hand shook with frustration, " Why are they so obsessed with gay people if they just want to turn me into a girl?!"
Again he huffed, screwing the top off his thermos with shaky hands before taking a swig. Tweek closed his eyes, and Craig could see his lips twitch as he counted himself off in his head.
"I'm fine," he said finally, "I don't w-wanna stress you out too."
Craig shrugged again, "I don't get stressed."
While Tweek’s therapist was a loose-lipped hack, Craig was happy that he’d at least googled basic anxiety tricks. Full blown attacks were far and few between these days, Craig found himself needing to calm Tweek down less and less. But today, guilty as he was to admit it, maybe Craig would have preferred Tweek to rant a little more.
When Tweek went off it was like Craig didn’t have to, someone besides him could see how bullshit this all was. It was easier to be a voice of reason than to wonder if he was the only person in the world who wasn’t crazy. Maybe that's what made Craig stay with him after the initial hype of them dating had died down. Opposites didn’t need to attract, the town had seen to that, but they did turn a middle school hoax into the strongest relationship in their grade.
“At l-least they never tried to ruin Pride,” Tweek said with a jerk, “At least they picked a single day to go crazy about instead of a month.”
Craig wasnt 100% sure that was a good way of quantifying the severity of South Park’s antics, but Tweek had a point.
“J-just try to make it through the day, tiger?” Tweek asked, a soft smile on his lips. “They can’t have planned too much without us noticing yesterday. I need… -nnggnn- to get to class.”
Craig nodded with a sigh before leaning in for the kiss. Thats what you did with your boyfriend at a normal school, you kissed him in the hallway. But here in the asscrack of Colorado everyone in the hallway made to cheer and clap and hand out fucking money the second they noticed what Craig was doing.
“Just for today,” Craig grumbled, while Tweek hid his head in his hands.
“Today we were going to learn about the silk road,” Mrs. Baddanames said as she rigged up the projector, “But in honour of our brave students, I thought I’d talk about the fascinating LGBT history in asia.”
Craig stopped abruptly in searching for yesterday’s notes as the teacher’s announcement sunk in. She was looking at him now, beaming with scholarly affection. Oh no, Craig thought, oh god no.
On the screen was a shoddily slapped together presentation entitled ‘The proud Gay history of Asia.’
“In ancient india,” Mrs. Baddanames flicked to the first slide, “There were men who were so gay that they castrated themselves and lived as prostitutes!”
Craig wasn’t fucking hearing this.
“I don’t think that’s what the Hijra are,” A girl piped up in the back, “They’re a recognized caste who-”
“In Ancient China!” The teacher continued, “There was an emperor who was so gay that he tore up all his clothes!”
“Okay thats not-” The girl tried again but was interrupted even faster.
“And of course we all know that Alexander the Great was a bottom!”
“He’s not even from fucking Asia!” Craig said, voice rising to interrupt her.
“Yes Craig, but as you know his conquest expanded into India,” she said, pointing out the map on the slide “Meaning he was so gay in Asia.”
Mrs. Baddanames clicked to change the slide again, and suddenly Craig was looking at a giant projection of himself holding down a teary-eyed Tweek.
“Now the traditional japanese art of ‘yaoi’ designates-”
“Oh my god.”
It was rough sitting through class with incompetant teachers at the best of times, but it was worse now Craig and Tweek’s love story was the theme of the town. Craig thudded his head against the dest has he sat through every tangentally gay fact about the continant, mixing up ‘gay’ with ‘literally any other queer identity’ so often Craig wondered if she’d even knew the difference.
Sitting through those parts of the ‘lecture’ were what twisted the knife the most. At least until she reached the last slide of her presentation.
“And now, I’d like to close this lesson with a talk about how proud we all are of our local lgbt community!”
And there it was, the face that Craig found himself thinking of whenever his thoughts drifted back to that deeply uncomfortable place. And It wasn’t just one photo of the old bastard, but a timeline of every wild transformation he had made over the hell that was Craig’s 4th grade education.
“Mr. Garrison has been a local LGBT representative since before Craig and Tweek’s coming out,” Mrs. Baddanames announced, “While I have not have the pleasure of meeting him myself, I’m sure I speak for everyone when I express my respect for such a good role model from the gay community.”
‘Calm down you baby,’ Craig chided himself, ‘That fucker has nothing to do with us.’
“As you probably know, Mr. Garrison was so gay that he took the ultimate gay step to get a sex change and become a woman…”
‘Thats not what that means,’ Craig fumed despite himself.
“But then it turns out Mrs. Garrison was so gay that she started liking women too, just so she could be a lesbian!”
Bile rose up in Craig’s throat as the implication froze his heart. It took everything in his control to keep his expression smooth. He knew that getting a sex change as a gay guy didn’t just switch you over to liking women- that was ridiculous, but the fact everyone seemed to think that…
“But Mr. Garrison’s true passion was being gay, so boldly, he was able to transition back into a man. But even though he’s changed his mind, we can all agree that he sets a wonderful example for all young gays to aspire to.”
Craig’s leg started to bounce as he fought to keep his expression glum and disinterested. He didn’t look up to Mr. Fucking Garrison. Mr. Garrison was a freak! He’d shove shit up people’s ass in front of them! He’d spend a whole class period going into gross detail about his sex life, he fucking dared Korea to nuke Tweek’s house.
‘Thats not me,’ Craig repeated in his head, the anger swirling into a frantic slurry behind his impassive face, ‘ That fucker isnt anything like me.’
“But Mr. Garrison isn’t the only prominent Trans woman to come to south park.”
‘Thats not me, thats not me, thats not. me.
“Strong woman Heather Swanson was not only a trans activist, but a femenist who was a role model to little girls everywhere.”
Craig stood up suddenly, feeling the desperate urge to punch something. He moved to the door without a word, not even hearing the teacher until his hand was on the handle.
“Craig, the lesson isn’t over yet,” Mrs. Badanames chided.
“Uh. Bathroom,” Craig managed to force out. It was a miracle none of his anger leaked into his voice.
“Can you wait? I’m nearly at your slide.”
Craig swallowed the lump in his throat and thought fast.
“I’m sorry, I was actually gonna ditch and make out with Tweek.”
“Oh!” She said cheerily, “You should have said!”
Craig’s teacher crossed right to the door and held it open for him. As he passed her, she held out 20$.
While not nearly as bad, the rest of Craig’s classes followed the same bullshit. As the day dragged on it became clear that Tweek was right- the adults had slapped this together practically overnight in some moral panic about not supporting the home-grown gays enough. While the sheer volume of decorations was impressive, it was less so when teachers tried way to hard to force the lessons to be relevant.
“The lower number is like Craig, because it always has to go on top of the fraction.”
“Catherine was always a wild child, like Tweek, and her Craig was Heathcliff.”
“So you see, the blitz was actually a lot like the time where Craig heartlessly cheated just a day after their relationship became public, in that it made everyone really bummed out and stuff.”
“If you think about it, the mitochondria is like the ‘seme’ of the cell!”
That last one had to be the most bizarre stretch Craig had heard all day, enough that by lunch he and the guys were still puzzling over it.
“Maybe because its blue?” Clyde offered, “Craig’s always wearing blue.”
“It was only blue in that one diagram,” Token said, “The real thing is kinda yellowy-clear.”
“Muh-maybe its buh-because its s-shaped like a w… wei… weihee … weiner.” Jimmy offered.
“I’m telling you,” Kyle said, “Its because the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. ”
“That has nothing to do with gay sex Kahl,” Cartman said, “You only need power if you’re using vibrators and those are for lesbians and fat girls.”
“Ugghhh!” Tweek moaned, his head thudding down into his arms as his bouncing leg made the table shake, “C-can we talk about something else please? I don’t wanna have to think about my teachers speculating on my sex life!”
There was a chorus of giggles from the girl’s table some ways away, catching Craig’s attention. Nichole, Wendy, Heidi, and Red were all giggling over something on Nichole’s phone.
“I dunno man, I think they’re trying to be nice,” said Stan, patting Tweek on the back, “They really want to let you know they’re supportive. Better than everyone fighting over whether you’re ‘allowed’ to be gay or something.”
Red snuck a smug smile over to the guy’s table, catching Craig’s eye. She froze like a deer in headlights and quickly looked away, muttering something to Wendy as she pulled out her own phone to scroll through.
“It’s still weird! JESUS!” Tweek screeched, “S-someone change the subject already! This is too much pressure!”
Craig’s already sour mood twisted into something cold when Red looked at him like that. Like she thought he was going to go over there and punch her or something. He didn’t need to guess that she was probably one of the girls who had jumped Tweek earlier- her reaction to being stared at confirmed it.
“Yuh…yeah f-fellas,” Jimmy said, “T-there will b-be a lot more to t-talk about at tuh… Token’s tonight!”
If Red had enough self awareness to be guilty for harassing Tweek this morning, why did she and the girls do it? Or maybe that wasn’t guilt that made her look away, and she was just scared of him again.
“Oh no, no you guys are not fucking in my house tonight!” Token growled, putting up his hands and shaking his head.
Craig hated how timid the girls always got around him. Tweek they could pull and yank around like a toy, but if big scary Craig told them to knock it off he was suddenly the asshole bullying a girl.
“Whats wrong Token, dont you support gay rights?” Cartman said, “You mad that people care about gays more than black people? Think just coz youre a minority you cant be a homophobe?”
Craig guessed he couldn’t blame them. He was the big one. The grouchy douchebag who got into fights and only opened his mouth to be an asshole. Sure it was cute to fawn over how gentle he was with Tweek, but the girls had made it perfectly clear that didn’t mean they felt safe around him.
“HE’S NOT A HOMOPHOBE!” Tweek shrieked, “WE DONT WANNA DO IT AT A PARTY EITHER! THATS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE!”
Craig was the tallest boy in their class and could stop an avalanche with a glare. Of course the girls were afraid of him. Even the guys were wary of his bad side. Sometimes it felt like Tweek could be caught off guard if Craig wasnt gentle.
“Of course you dont wanna put out Tweek, you’re basically the girl,” Cartman said dismissively, “Thats why Craig’s always gotta force you.”
Nevermind that he hadn’t swung the first punch since he and Tweek hooked up, or that he had to handle Red in particular with the thickest kid-gloves. But it was no good, Craig was the top. The ‘seme’, or whatever. He was always going to be seen as this huge, lumbering, aggressive…
“Shut the fuck up Fatass!” Kyle shouted, “Thats not how it works in real life!”
Slobbering, enormous, ogre, heavy…
“Goddamn it Kahl, I said you dont know anything about gay stuff! Isn’t that right Craig?”
Horny, brainless, handsy, leering-
“Craig?”
Craig focus was snapped suddenly from the wall he’d be staring at to focus the full force of his contempt on Cartman. The kid’s ruddy face suddenly went white as he shrank back into his coat, whatever bullshit he spouted dying on his tongue. Some sick part of Craig liked being able to shut the fatass up with a glare, which basically confirmed that everyone was right to see him as a brainless thug. Another spike of frustration curled in Craig’s stomach before he pushed the feelings aside. Slowly his face smoothed out, and when he spoke it was with his usual deadpan.
“This is why they shouldn’t make such a big deal about those pictures” He said flatly, “Dumbasses like Cartman can’t tell drawings from photos.”
Seeing the stormy expression pass emboldened Cartman to his usual bullshit. “Shut up Craig! You’re just pissy that your girlfriend wont put out tonight! Fucking fag!”
Cartman stormed off in a huff, only stopping to smack Butters upside the head on the other side of the cafeteria. The pathetic little tool just hopped up to follow but Kenny reached out to grab his arm and sit him back down at their table.
“I -nnng- don’t get it.” Tweek said sarcastically, “How am I a girl, and you’re a fag?”
“That ‘seme is a boy girl is an uke’ shit,” Craig said flatly.
“People still think thats a thing,?” Clyde asked.
“Yeah, and its stupid,” Craig’s voice became harder. It should have been a no brainer that by definition neither person in a gay relationship was a girl. Craig sure as shit wasn’t into girls, and he didn’t want to date a guy who acted like one. And, as Craig always had to remind himself, neither did Tweek.
“Tweek’s still a boy,” Craig said firmly, “And I’m still a boy.”
Except that part was a fucking lie.