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Pain.
It wasn’t a thought so much as a state of being. It was all she knew in that moment as she laid in the grass and the dirt and the blood. Every cell of her body burned to the point she knew nothing else.
Her vision blurred with moving shapes she couldn’t decipher. She screamed.
Pain was her life. Pain was who she was. It was the only thing left to exist.
***
Bella knew little the next time she had a coherent thought.
She knew things were wrong. The bedding was blue when it was supposed to be pink. The sun had set when it was supposed to be high in the sky. The walls were white when they were supposed to be green.
And then she remembered.
She remembered being on the edge of the school’s parking lot and then being in the woods. She remembered a woman with bright red hair approaching her, pushing Bella’s hair out of the way. She remembered the woman grabbing her, breaking her, and she remembered the pain. She remembered hitting the ground and burning.
She did not know where she was or how she got there. Suddenly, she was by the window staring at the sun. She looked at how her hand shone in the light and then she was colliding with the opposite wall. On the edge of hyperventilating, she took a closer look at her surroundings. The room was barren like one would expect of a guest room, but there was a door to her right. She stumbled to it and the doorknob snapped off at her touch.
“She’s awake!” a girl cried out and Bella startled at the sound. Scanning the room once more revealed nobody close enough. Bella turned back to the door and pushed. It snapped off the hinges and lodged itself in the opposite wall. Bella stepped out and into a hallway.
“Bella!”
Bella froze as Jasper Hale sped to her side.
“Everything is going to be ok,” he said, and Bella felt herself relaxing at the words.
“Let’s get you a new room.” He offered gently. Bella watched as he took her hand in his and put it in the crook of his elbow. A spike of fear hit her as she saw herself snapping his arm like she did the door, but Jasper showed no signs of pain as he led her down the hall to a new door where a similar room waited on the other side.
“Where am I?”
“California,” Jasper answered. “You will be safe here.”
“Why am I in California? What happened to me? Why are you here?”
“Slow down,” Jasper said, calming Bella once more though her thoughts still raced ahead of her.
“We have a lot to talk about.”
***
“My father thinks I’m dead.”
Jasper doesn’t say anything in response and Bella is grateful. Alice takes her hand and rests it in her lap and Bella is grateful for that as well.
“Am I dead?” Bella asked, looking into Carlisle’s eyes as she did. Carlisle came closer from where he’d been standing at the bottom of the porch stairs and dropped down to eye level.
“That’s a matter of opinion, I think. You are a thinking and feeling being as we all are, but you are not human and many things humans consider living don’t apply to you anymore.”
“But I’ll never get to see him again.”
“No,” he said with heartbreak in his eyes, “It wouldn’t be fair to either of you.”
“Fair!” Bella cried, ripping her hands free as she stood and began to pace. “What part of this is fair! I just moved here and now my father is going to live with the knowledge that he immediately let me die! Except I’m not dead and he can’t ever know it! I’m dangerous now, but I can’t control it so I’m doubly fucked! I can’t graduate high school because I’ll eat all my friends, at best!”
“Bella,” Jasper said in that tone of his that always calmed Bella’s nerves. She glared at him.
“And now I have him taking my own emotions away from me too.”
“I’m so sorry,” Alice said, rising to take Bella into her arms. “I tried to save you, but I was too late, and I’ll never be able to take that back.”
The apology shocked Bella into stillness, which Alice mistook for rejection and awkwardly backed up a few steps.
“You didn’t do this to me,” Bella told her. “And if someone as fast as you, as us, couldn’t get to me in time then nobody could have stopped her from attacking me.”
Slowly Bella took the two steps between them and wrapped her arms around Alice. Rewarded by Alice clinging to her in return, she tried to believe for a moment that everything really was going to be alright.
***
The trees danced to the breeze, casting soft shadows down on them as Bella and Carlisle stood facing each other. Bella tried not to stare at his flawless skin as it sparkled in the sunlight peeking through the foliage. She didn’t have time to be daydreaming or developing crushes.
“Control,” Carlisle said, “is like a muscle you haven’t had to think about as a human. It is simple to look at a steak and ignore it. At worst, you find yourself staring and absorbing its scent, but it is not a true struggle to keep your hands to yourself. Newborns do not have it so easy, and though it gets easier after the first year, it is not reliable without persistence and practice.”
His voice was like rippling water even now and it felt soft and melodic to her ears. Nevertheless, Bella absorbed his words as he began to circle her, his eyes a distracting weight on her.
“I will teach you to control yourself even in the presence of a mangled and vulnerable human. If you allow me, I can help you live amongst humans as we do.”
Carlisle stopped in front of her and far closer than he had been before. Bella wondered, if he breathed, would she feel it on her skin? She’s sure if she could, she’d blush as they met eyes.
“Not every vampire finds my teachings favorable. Many even think I am foolish or too kind-hearted. If you do not agree with our coven’s way of life, then you are welcome to leave the moment the last of your human tissues die and your departure won’t be an almost certain death sentence. But if you find them appealing, then you will always have a place in our coven, and we will consider you family.”
Carlisle offered his hand, and with only the barest hesitation, Bella took it.
***
Bella had never been anything special. That was a truth Bella knew and had accepted a long time ago. She wasn’t particularly talented or beautiful or intelligent. The most remarkable thing about her was her ability to hurt herself at a moment’s notice when there was nothing apparently dangerous in sight.
Bella looked at herself in the mirror and could not understand how it was her.
It was her face and it moved as she did, and yet the woman in the mirror was stunning in every way, her body followed her every command with a grace she never possessed, and every vampire around her has marveled at her growth in the weeks she’s spent in Jasper’s house.
It didn’t make sense, the praise they gave her. Maintaining her composure was not so difficult, and their lessons were not overly complicated. It wasn’t worth all the fuss when she understood Alice’s gift or resisted the deer Carlisle put in her path. She’d perhaps understand if they commented on her beauty, but it was like it didn’t exist to them. She supposed for a vampire, it was normal to look like you’d walked off a magazine all the time.
Bella poked at her cheek. Her reflection still matched.
“What’re you doing?” Edward asked from the open doorway. He was the most relaxed she had ever seen him. He had arrived a few days after Bella woke up and told her about singers and what she had been to him before. She’d be more relaxed around herself too.
“Nothing important.” Bella said.
“It’s weird, isn’t it? I stared at myself for hours when I was turned.”
“When were you turned?” she asked, “You don’t have to tell me if-”
“It’s fine,” Edward said with a small smile. “I’ve been seventeen since 1918. Influenza.”
“Is that old for a vampire?”
Edward takes a moment to think about it. “Maybe more middle-aged. I’m definitely old compared to a lot of vampires, but Carlisle is three times my age and some of our oldest are so ancient it’s hard to really think about. I don’t even know how old the Volturi are, but they’ve seen multiple empires rise and fall. Even had a hand in a few if the rumors are true.”
Carlisle had told Bella about the Volturi. He’d also told her to avoid their attention if she could help it.
Bella laughed softly to herself. “I must be an infant to you all.”
“Maybe, but so are most people. We’ve gotten used to treating anyone taller than our waist as adults. Easier that way.”
“I can only imagine Carlisle talking to a fifty-year-old like a small child.”
“It’s a struggle sometimes. Have you met some fifty-year-olds?”
They laughed.
“Come on,” Edward said, motioning for her to follow, “Emmet says it’s his turn with the new girl.”
***
Bella was stronger than Emmet and it felt great.
“She cheated,” Emmet groaned from the ground, holding his arm close to his chest as if in pain, but Bella could tell he was just being dramatic and wasn’t truly upset.
Bella grinned down at him in delight as Alice and Rosalie laughed at him. Edward’s arm was around her then and he mussed up her hair in gentle comradery.
“Our Bella is just that good.” He said with a shit-eating grin.
Emmet sprung up from the ground with a determined look in his eye. “Round five.”
“We’ll run out of boulders if we keep going.”
“I will beat you!”
Bella allowed her grin to turn downright evil when she said, “Never.”
***
Six months passed before Rosalie could look at Bella. They were in the house alone for the first time, and Bella had been sunbathing on the roof.
Rosalie stood there silently for a while before Bella lost her patience. She opened her eyes to see Rosalie with a pink parasol protecting her from the sun.
“There’s nobody for miles, you know. You don’t need to hide.”
Rosalie folded her legs under herself beside Bella, the parasol now shading them both. “I wanted to talk.”
“What about?”
“I don’t know. Everything? You haven’t really talked to anyone about dying. Losing everything. It’s a heavy thing to keep all to yourself.”
“Things aren’t so bad. My year is almost up, and then I’ll get to do all sorts of things. I never really gave much thought to the future, but now I have so much of it. I could run across the globe, or maybe go looking around the bottom of the ocean.”
“What about your father? Or your friends? You’ll never be able to have children or grow old. Aren’t you upset about it?”
“I mean…it sucks. I wish I could’ve chosen this or planned it better, but I can’t dwell on things I can’t change, or stuff I’m not even sure I wanted. I wish I could see Charlie again, or at least tell him he was a good dad. That I’m alive. But I can’t risk the Volturi hurting him, and I don’t know if he’d want to be like us. Do you think there’s a vampire who can mess with memories? No. I suppose if there were, the Volturi would use them more.”
Rosalie had an odd look on her face, and Bella didn’t like it at all. It was times like this that she envied Edward’s ability to read people.
“I don’t understand how you can act like this when you’ll never get a family or a life.”
Bella frowned at her. “I have a family. I have you and Carlisle and Emmet and Jasper. I have all of you. And I don’t need to be human to build a life for myself. For all I know, I could have been doomed to a short or miserable life had things been different.”
“So that’s it. No kids. No home. Always moving. Always lying. You’re ok with that?”
“And so what if I am? Don’t tell me you’re actually judging me because I don’t care about being pregnant one day, or about moving towns every few decades.”
Rosalie stood up with a huff. The sun shined on Bella once more as Rosalie shifted out of the way. “I don’t understand how you can be so ok with being turned into a monster.”
Anger threatened to spill from Bella’s lips, but Rosalie was gone before it could escape.
***
“What is her problem!”
Bella paced in the clearing Carlisle and her spent many of their mornings, afternoons, and nights. Rocks shattered into gravel under feet as she wore a path in the ground.
“I mean, what? I’m a monster now? For what? I haven’t done anything to anyone! And what was all her crap about kids? So, I’m a terrible person if I don’t want them? Hell, not even that. I can be a mother all I want! I just can’t have them myself. What century is she living in anyways?”
Carlisle interrupted her path with barely a blade of grass disturbed as he walked. Softly, he took her hands from where they’d been tugging at her hair and coaxed them out of their fists to relax in his own. “I met and turned Rosalie in the 1960’s. She had a very clear image of her life, but that’s all I can say without betraying her trust.”
Bella wasn’t impressed. “She hasn’t spent all this time in a box, and plenty of people knew better back then.”
“I know. She shouldn’t have talked to you like that. I’m sorry it happened.”
Bella sighed and let her head drop onto his shoulder. Their clasped hands remained clutched between them, and a part of her never wanted to let go. “Don’t apologize for something you didn’t do. Maybe I can talk to Emmet. He understands her better than any of us.”
Carlisle released one her hands to wrap his arm around her and hold her close. Slowly he began to pet down her hair. From the root to the ends, he repeated the steady motion, and steadily she relaxed into it.
“Pregnancy is overrated anyways.” Bella mumbled. “I’ll just pick a street urchin up off the street if I ever want kids.”
Carlisle chuckled. “That’s certainly one method. Do let me know in advance if you do, though. I can prepare a room.”
“I think I can manage that.”
***
Bella had resolved to ignore Rosalie for the sake of the coven. She was not ready to have a civil discussion, and it wouldn’t be productive to rip her head off.
Rosalie seemed to have taken a similar approach. Although Bella was not ignorant to the icy stares given her way whenever they were in the same room. Eventually, Bella just started to feel bad for Emmet. He had been nothing but kind and welcoming to her, and she hated to see him dragged in the middle of their cold war.
She tried not to think about it as she waited out her days as a newborn. Alice took to joining her on the roof for her sunbathing whenever she was at the house, and where Alice goes Jasper often followed. Bella would watch sometimes as Alice and Jasper fit together like a couple of jigsaw pieces. They looked truly happy in those moments in each other’s arms, Alice braiding and unbraiding Jasper’s hair. Emmet kept goading her into a variety of physical challenges that he then lost with the grace of a man who fought a bear and insists he would have won if Rosalie hadn’t dragged him away. Bella enjoyed Emmet’s visits a lot.
Edward decided her resistance to his gift meant she had to learn a variety of card games and chess so that he could play a fair game for once. She hadn’t pointed out that his century of experience was still a sizable advantage in any game they played.
It was Esme that finally dragged Rosalie to the house and sat them down.
“This has to stop,” Esme said with all the authority of a mother who has had enough. “You’re making everyone around you uncomfortable and poor Emmet is exhausted from it all. Not to mention how badly Jasper must be feeling that his sisters hold such animosity for each other.”
Bella looked at Rosalie who was glaring at Esme instead of her for once. Esme didn’t budge though, and Bella admired her resolve. Rosalie was very good at glaring people into submission.
“I’m going to be just outside hearing distance. I will not be seeing either of you outside these walls until you’ve figured this out.”
Bella sat in silence with Rosalie for a long thirty seconds after Esme left. The air became thick with tension as the temperature seemed to drop to match their mood.
“I don’t see the point in this,” Rosalie huffed. “It’s not like you’ll be sticking around much longer.”
Bella grit her teeth. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“You might have everyone in love with you, but it’s not like you’ll be sticking to our way. You made that perfectly clear.”
“Did I now?”
“You’re callous and selfish. I’ll be shocked if you last a week outside this little bubble we’ve made for you. Do you have any idea how many lies you’ll tell? How often people manage to hurt themselves? Your body will never change. You can’t grow or become pregnant. Everything you cared about is gone, and you don’t even care!”
“Who the hell do you think you are? You don’t know anything about me, or what I care about!”
“Don’t I? You barely reacted to turning. You haven’t shown a shred of remorse for what you are, or what you did to your father!”
“What I did! I didn’t do anything to anyone! What exactly am I supposed to be so remorseful about!”
“Being a monster! Why can’t you see that?”
Bella forced herself to stop and breathe. The familiar ritual calmed her nerves and slowly she unclenched her hands from where they’d dug into the arm of the couch. She stood slowly and said, “You might be happy to wallow in your own self-pity, but I will not be treated like this for not joining you. I intend to make the most out of my life, and I’m not going to apologize for it.”
Rosalie rose from her seat and slapped Bella with the speed to shake the windows’ integrity. Bella snarled, and punched Rosalie in the face hard enough to push her back into the couch. Bella fled before things could escalate further and didn’t stop until she was far into the wilderness. She camped herself at the top of a tree and sunbathed in an effort to relax. With a small thunk, she leaned back against the trunk and sighed. She would need to apologize to Esme.
A soft breeze brushed past her, sending Carlisle’s scent over her. It was ridiculous how quickly his scent calmed her nerves, truly.
“That went well,” Carlisle said.
Bella’s snort devolved into a fit of laughter. Carlisle gave a small, amused smile from where he sat on a branch to her left.
“I’m sorry,” Bella said, “I didn’t want to fight with anyone.”
“Rosalie was out of line, and I think a part of her knows that.”
“You know that I want to stay, right? I want to be a part of this family.”
Carlisle made his way to her side. It was a tight fit, but the branch was large enough for them to sit next to each other if they left their legs dangled over the side.
“You are a part of this family. We all love you, Bella. Including Rosalie.”
Bella looked at him with all the skepticism she had.
“Rosalie doesn’t give people the time of day unless she cares about them. If she truly hated you, she wouldn’t bother to try so hard to get you to see reason. Well, what she considers reason, at least.”
Bella huffed. “Then she has a lot to learn about tact, and the twenty-first century, and people that aren’t her.”
Carlisle didn’t argue.
“Thank you,” Bella said.
“For what?”
“I don’t know. Not being mad at me? Teaching me how to live like you? Treating me like you care? I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if you hadn’t taken me in.”
“You’re a strong woman. You would have found your way eventually.” Carlisle brushed a bit of her hair back from where it’d fallen in front of her face. “Luckily, we won’t ever have to know.”
“Yeah. Luckily.”
The kiss was as soft as it was sudden. Its presence lingered in the tingling on her lips, and she kissed him again. The second kiss was firmer than the first, the third longer. Carlisle’s fingers gripped her hair and pulled her closer, her hands resting on his bicep as he kept her steady by the hip.
Carlisle parted them but didn’t let her go. Fortunately for him because she had no intention of letting him go anytime soon.
“Esme is taking Rosalie on a trip for a while. It’s nothing to worry about, and I expect things will be better between you when she returns.”
“I don’t want to be the reason you lose her.”
“We aren’t losing her, and this is something that was bound to happen eventually. Esme has been wanting to talk to her for a while.”
The following silence ought to have been awkward, but it wasn’t. Bella breathed as she sat there in Carlisle’s arms, basking in his scent. His chest moved in sync as they traded soft kisses and kuniks. The sun set before they moved again.
***
Bella had celebrated her eighteenth birthday with the Cullens a month after she had been turned. She had contemplated whether or not she wanted to acknowledge the day at all before deciding that she did. Alice had planned the whole party within the day of her making that decision.
One year after she had been turned into a vampire, Bella decided that she wanted to mark the milestone too. Alice loved the idea of celebrating her deathday and took to planning it as well.
Alice had Jasper track a mountain lion for the occasion and put the rest to work decorating the house. Bella was strictly ordered not to lift a finger as she watched them all prepare the delicate streamers and balloons with the speed and strength of a human so as to not break anything. When night fell and everything was ready, they all joined Bella in her first hunt of their favorite game.
It was exhilarating.
Bella had hunted deer before. Usually, with Carlisle’s guidance, but this was the first time they’d all hunted as a family and with her at the head. The new moon covered them all in darkness as they sped through the forest, not a whisper beneath their feet.
The mountain lion fled but it wasn’t long to catch her. Bella took first bite with her family by her side, and she knew she would treasure the moment forever.
***
The Cullens moved to Connecticut. Bella, Edward, Alice, Jasper, Emmet, and Rosalie were an adopted group of sixteen-year-olds attending high school. Esme was the doting wife of the newest resident at the largest hospital in town, Dr. Carlisle Cullen.
Alice had a secretive smile on her face often, but nobody asked about it. They all knew better than to pry answers from her when they’re better off not knowing.
Bella decided to become a Hale. She didn’t feel ready to take the name Cullen, not when she knew what she wanted. She wanted to earn that name properly, and with ceremony. She wouldn’t take it if it would be a lie.
Alice took a particular joy in the fact that they share nearly all of their classes together and dragged her to multiple stores to build her a new wardrobe the moment they’d moved into town. Including every type of garment, some of which would have had Bella blushing if she were still capable.
She didn’t put up too much of a fight if she’s being honest. Alice had been the most excited when Bella had begun her relationship with Carlisle, and with her gift Bella knew she wouldn’t pick anything out that they wouldn’t enjoy. And they did, to her delight, often.
Two years pass so quickly.
Isabella Hale is a nineteen-year-old, seventeen-year-old when she steps out into the school parking lot when she’s frozen in her tracks. Her coven stands by her, their conversations brought to a halt, as they all stare at the man standing wide-eyed across from them with a missing person’s flyer in his hand.
“Charlie?”