Archive of Our Own

Donghyuck meets Mark somewhere between being born and turning five. He can’t rely on his memory to supplement him with information from back then and Donghyuck, despite Mark always laughing at him for it, doesn’t trust his mother either with this matter.

She always ruffles his hair and tells him he and Mark became friends before he’s ever had his first real breath in this world. This is of course bullshit because Mark is older by a few months.

Mark still likes the story and he never questions it, instead choosing to silently nod when appropriate and give Donghyuck’s mother the “hmm”s and “ahh”s her biological son fails to provide.

Mark likes the tale because it sounds good, magical even, to be friends from before they could barely do more than scream and wiggle their feet and hands like fishes out of water.

Donghyuck likes the truth. The closes thing to it he has is this blurry memory of Mark at his fifth birthday party, hand in Donghyuck’s as the younger rose on his tiptoes to blow out the candles.

There’s no reason for Donghyuck to remember the scene yet he does, holding it close to his heart through all those years just because it’s the only glimpse of young, adorable Mark he’ll ever get.

And while Mark might be a fan of his mother’s tale, he loves Donghyuck’s story so much more.

“I like it because your words make me feel like if I tried a little bit harder I could remember it, too,” Donghyuck always laughs at his words no matter how many times he hears them and how sincere the older sounds.

Donghyuck can't really pinpoint the moment he meets Mark but he can tell you the exact date the two of them meet Renjun.

It's a warm day at the start of elementary school and Donghyuck is excited to make friends.

He runs to school, always a few steps before Mark, his head turned back to the older as he fills in the comfortable silence between them.

“I'm going to be the populariest person at the school!” he exclaims, so sure of his charms. Donghyuck is still a kid but even then he's a magnet driving people in.

“That's not a word,” Mark lets out a laugh and it's the first one since the two of them met up outside Donghyuck’s house. He knows because he's been counting the smiles Mark gives him since forever. “But I'm sure you will be just that.”

“A nonexisting word?” Donghyuck asks, brows furrowed and it earns him another smile.

“You can make up words if you want Hyuck. One day I'll be sure to write a dictionary just to put them in.”

Donghyuck smiles brightly and not even a second later he walks into someone.

That's how they meet Renjun.

xxx

For the most part, things always seem to go great between the three of them.

There are afternoons spent in Donghyuck’s room, watching cartoons, and then, when they become older and Donghyuck’s parents insist on having some peace in the house, their group meetings move into a treehouse in his backyard.

“How come my parents never built me one,” in Renjun’s mouth it doesn’t sound like a question, and Donghyuck laughs at his friend.

“Mine wouldn’t build me one even if I begged for years either,” he counters and Renjun’s eyebrows shoot up like he finds it extremely unbelievable that anyone can say ‘no’ to Donghyuck. Maybe in the eyes of the other, it really does seem this way, the aura around the great mysterious and enchanting Donghyuck both Renjun and Mark see, more a fragment of their imagination than a real person. “It’s one of those things last renters left behind and my parents refused to get rid of because it would be too troublesome. I actually asked them if they could because I wanted to have more space to play football but they refused.”

Both Renjun and Mark laugh, truly amused by the story. There’s probably a part of them that questions it, seeing how often Donghyuck adds a little bit to his tales to make them have that magical effect that makes both of his friends look at him with hunger in their eyes.

They’re fifteen and they’ve known each other for years and yet not Mark nor Renjun can tell the truth from the colorized version of it.

Still, they choose to believe him because Donghyuck has the power to make them do it. And he knows it.

“I never told you any lies,” he murmurs later that night when his friends lay around him in a tangled mess of arms and legs, both sound asleep. “Never.”

Mark stirs in his sleep and Donghyuck laughs lightly, deciding to lay down too.

Just as he’s about to close his eyes and let sleep claim him too, there's a low whisper close to his ear and it makes him freeze for a moment before Mark throws one arm across his chest and pulls him closer.

“I know.”

xxx

If there’s one thing Donghyuck can admit he’s bad at, it's picking up clues.

Mark says he’s just good at being obvious.

Renjun says he’s simply dense.

Either way, Donghyuck has never been good at romance so when Mark approaches him after school just a few days before his graduation he doesn’t think much of it until he sees how nervous his friend is.

“Hey Markie, what’s going on?” he asks trying to sound casual but failing miserably. It’s hard to pretend he isn’t worried about what his friend is about to say. “You’re scaring me a little bit.”

“Ah,” Mark laughs a little but it’s so strained it makes Donghyuck wince. This whole situation is ridiculous, the two of them never this nervous around each other. Most definitely not because of each other and by the looks of it Donghyuck is sure that’s exactly what’s happening.

He’s what’s making Mark nervous and he has no idea why.

“I was wondering if I could maybe stop by your house for a second after soccer practice.”

Donghyuck raises his eyebrows at the awkwardness laced deep in this conversation. Something is wrong, oh so wrong.

“Why so formal,” he tries for a teasing tone but all he gets back is another nervous laugh so he drops the act. “You know you don’t even have to ask.”

Mark takes a deep breath before he asks another question Donghyuck suspects might carry more weight than the previous one.

“Will Renjun be there?”

Donghyuck blinks. Then, he laughs, this time a full-on laugh, no trace of worry left.

“No, you dumbass,” he says and this time Mark’s hands stop to tremble and he lets out a shaky breath. “It’s just going to be the two of us. What were you thinking anyway? It’s not like Renjun lives with me and your graduation party is supposed to be tomorrow, not today.”

Mark simply nods and Donghyuck feels himself relax around the familiar shape of Mark’s frame as he leans into his best friend.

He doesn’t know what this was all about yet, but he will soon enough.

And if Mark is worried about their other best friend learning whatever secret he wants to spill, well, he shouldn’t be.

There’s no Renjun anywhere near and it will stay that way.

Just for today.

xxx

Back at Donghyuck's house, Mark looks even more worried than at school. The dim light at Donghyuck’s porch casts the other’s face in shades that make him look almost scared.

Then Donghyuck realizes. Mark is scared.

Of him.

It's a first for them but so are the words Mark says this evening.

Donghyuck has trouble cataloging them into categories to look back on later. They don't fill in with Mark's happiest moments nor with Mark's saddest ones.

Mark's confession falls somewhere in the middle, with the older’s nervous smile and voice at the edge of tears.

Donghyuck doesn't know what to make of it all, the words too big for his little world he has created.

Of course, he loves Mark but is his love big enough to be a match for his best friend’s?

He doesn't know how to answer it yet.

“I need time to make sense of my emotions,” he tells the other when Mark finishes his speech. “I'm sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for?” Mark asks and for the first time looks him in the eyes. “I never expected you to make a big decision like this in a second.”

Donghyuck smiles at his best friend and for the first time, it feels kind of different.

Mark doesn't look scared anymore and doesn't protest when Donghyuck drags him upstairs to watch one of the movies he's seen all over social media recently.

In Donghyuck’s mind, he has all the time in the world to think this whole situation through, there's no rush.

As always, life has its own plans.

Shortly after Mark's confession the three of them have a fallout.

Donghyuck ends up watching the end of the school year ceremony with Renjun at his side and no one to look at in the sea of faces saying their last goodbyes to the school.

There's no one waiting for him at his house, no one to help pack for college.

Mark has left earlier than planned and it flips Donghyuck’s world upside down.

xxx

Donghyuck visits Mark regularly, Renjun doesn’t.

In fact, when he asks the older if he has seen Renjun at all since the falling out, Mark’s eyes wander off and for a moment Donghyuck loses him to his thoughts.

He doesn’t try asking again after that. It’s not really worth it anyway with how little time they’re able to spend together with the academic year on the horizon and the great distance between Donghyuck’s home and Mark.

“Tell me one nice thing about this place,” Donghyck says as he looks around, the fields endless around them as they take a walk to somewhere Mark insists he will like.

“Only one?” Mark asks teasingly and he too lifts his gaze to look at the stillness surrounding them.

Donghyuck wonders how Mark can not feel lonely here.

“It’s quiet I guess,” Mark finally answers.

“Since when do you like silence that much?” Donghyuck tries for a teasing tone but Mark doesn’t smile, doesn’t even look at him.

There’s a quiet understanding between them, a shadow looming over them since things shifted in their friend group although Donghyuck thinks it’s not fair to call them that now.

Now, it’s only Donghyuck with Mark, silent and alone in the dark.

And then, there’s Donghyuck with Renjun, still in the middle of a bright, loud world.

Both feel odd, not right but as time passes he gets used to it.

xxx

Donghyuck isn't sure when exactly the air between him and Renjun changes but one day they're simply best friends, then next Renjun leans into his private space and runs his hands over Donghyuck’s body like it's the most natural thing in the world.

Maybe in some way it is. Some part of Donghyuck has always belonged to Renjun and Mark and with Mark’s words still ringing fresh in his mind, he isn't surprised when Renjun’s hand slips into his.

He simply lets it happen and watches it from the sidelines, his mind separated from his body.

This is all he's ever known and the familiarity of it helps him not flinch every time he finds himself thinking about Mark in Renjun's presence.

It's impossible to fill the gaping hole their best friend left behind but Renjun tries, hard.

Jeno slips into Donghyuck’s life like hasn’t been there before but always belonged anyways.

He brings an unfamiliar feeling with him, a weird but electric sort of tingling in Donghyuck’s stomach. It turns slowly from a simple tingle to a familiar warmth over the months.

It's all he wanted and all he ever feared all at once.

Donghyuck feels it in every kind eye smile Jeno gives him as he passes Donghyuck a cup of his favorite coffee at the start of their early morning Monday class. There’s a certain kindness in his eyes that Donghyuck hasn’t seen in a while and once he gets a taste of it he can’t get enough.

He realizes he’s been starving.

With Jeno’s soft and careful touches Donghyuck also realizes how much he needed for someone to take their time to get to know him, not assuming what’s the best for him and instead listening.

Jeno must realize it too because he never pressed for anything, letting his hand go when Renjun and Jaemin come into view during their breaks, Renjun automatically gravitating towards Donghyuck and Jaemin lingering at the outskirts of the group watching Jeno.

It’s a strange dance, Renjun’s eyes dancing between Donghyuck and Jeno as if he can’t decide who he wants to watch.

In the end, it’s always Donghyuck and the younger gives his hand a reassuring squeeze and tears his gaze from Jeno too. He needs to be careful, he knows.

Jeno seems to understand this, too.

“I’ll see you both at lunch,” he says and tugs at Renjun’s hand gently, leading him away from their new friends and into one of their favorite coffee shops. Away from the curious eyes, Renjun grabs his hand harder, his smile growing big as he orders for Donghyuck and then leans over their table to read over his English assignment.

Donghyuck observes his best friend. In the soft light of the afternoon, Renjun is beautiful. Sharp but beautiful nonetheless.

“Hey Renjun,” he starts and it snaps the older man out of his focus in a second. “What do you think about Jeno?”

Renjun narrows his eyes in distrust.

“He's all right I guess,” he says slowly but there's an underlying warning in his voice. “Is there a point in getting close to him though? We're drowning in assignments as it is.”

Donghyuck can clearly imagine Renjun letting out the words sitting at the tip of his tongue, can almost hear them. Maybe there is no point to say them if he knows anyway, maybe that's the whole point.

‘No one will ever know you as well as I do’.

Mark did, does, but it doesn't matter anymore since he's out of their lives now in a way.

It clearly doesn't matter to Renjun anyway as he moves closer and reaches for Donghyuck’s hand. He's erased Mark's existence a little bit too well, trying to grab all the pieces of Donghyuck that belong to him for himself.

Donghyuck lets him.

Or at least, pretends to.

But his head is full of Mark's familiar eyes and Jeno's kind smiles.

xxx

“How do you know you like someone?” Donghyuck asks Mark one warm morning.

“I'm assuming you aren't asking me how do you know if you're about to make a new friend,” the older answers and laughs at the eye roll Donghyuck gives him.

They’re sitting on wet grass from the night rain. It's still early in the morning and the fields around them are deserted. Donghyuck prefers it this way when there's no one around to hear them speak.

“If you're asking me this question with someone in mind already then the answer is probably yes. You probably already like them Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck lets his gaze fall to the neatly trimmed grass. It feels weird to discuss this with Mark. Not after—

“Hey. There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling,” a warm hand on Donghyuck’s knee makes him flinch.

It does feel wrong after all with Mark's careful eyes on him and a memory of Renjun's hands on him still fresh in his mind.

“I'm—” he tries. Mark probably knows the answer, knows it's about Renjun even wothout the words being spoken out loud. Renjun was kind of right, after all, there's no one who knows him better than the two of them. “It's complicated.”

Mark leans back and turns his eyes to the sky.

“As is everything else. But you,” here he brings his eyes back to Donghyuck. His stare is intense but not unkind. “Have the power to make this right, to free us all.”

Donghyuck supposes he has.

He's been selfishly keeping them all from walking their own directions, too scared of the truth to be able to move forward himself.

Now, when Mark says the words suddenly Donghyuck believes he can do it and maybe live beyond whatever waits for him at the finishline.

For Mark.

For himself.

xxx

Donghyuck doesn't expect for Renjun to catch up to his emotions faster than he's able to sort them out himself.

The older corners him at his own house one day after one of their studying sessions, the hard wall behind Donghyuck’s back.

“Jeno, he—” Renjun’s words are stumbling out of his mouth so fast Donghyuck almost can’t make sense of them. “What is he to you exactly?”

Donghyuck freezes under his best friend’s gaze, the truth stuck in his throat.

There’s no good answer to the question because Donghyuck can’t say the words at the tip of his tongue and Renjun knows it. There’s no need for him to speak, not really, when Renjun can read the truth from his eyes.

“Renjun—” he tries, throat tight. He can see the way the other’s eyes widen as if he couldn’t believe this really is happening. Donghyuck takes a step forward and tries to calm Renjun the only way he knows will work for sure.

He raises his hand and gently puts it on Renjun’s shoulder, pulling him forwards.

Donghyuck doesn’t wait for Renjun’s permission, he simply kisses him, hard and short.

They separate.

Renjun’s gaze is dark and hungry. Donghyuck’s hollow and starving.

He wonders, with the fabric of Renjun’s t-shirt between his fingers, if the other can tell how much he wishes for something gentle, something sweet. He prays Renjun can’t feel it’s Jeno’s smile that occupies Donghyuck’s mind right now.

Renjun’s love is hard and deep and Donghyuck starts to slowly accept that he doesn’t want it.

Can't let it all happen again.

"I would burn the whole world for you Donghyuck," Renjun's words ring true and they hurt so much Donghyuck can't breathe.

"I know you would," there's no shadow of doubt in Donghyuck's voice. He's seen Renjun's flames up close already, burning so bright it wasn't hard to believe him, believe that if the other had pushed just a little bit more he would set himself on fire hot enough to consume the whole world. And this time Donghyuck isn't sure if anything he did would be able to stop the flames. "I've always known it."

Renjun smiles gently, a small sparkle, a promise, dancing behind his dark eyes.

Now, finally, Donghyuck begins to understand that he doesn't want it. Never did.

Now, he has someone he wants to protect again, someone he would let himself be burnt for.

Donghyuck wasn't able to shield Mark from Renjun, letting their friendship consume the older until there was nothing, not even ashes left.

For a long time, Donghyuck has blamed himself for it. Now he finally sees it for what it always was, the boy before him slowly turning from the sweet Renjun he's known all his life to someone else, someone who he barely recognizes, someone who was willing to sacrifice one of his best friends for his own desires.

Renjun is willing to let Donghyuck believe himself to be as guilty as well. But now, Donghyuck doesn't think he is guilty anymore, not for what happened.

Back then he couldn't help Mark because he didn't know the rules of their little game, didn't understand what was happening.

Now he does.

And he won't let Jeno pay the price.

"Be careful or you might even burn yourself Injun," Donghyuck's fingers linger just above Renjun's bare arm, never touching the other. There's unmistakable hunger in the older's eyes. Donghyuck's voice is barely above a whisper but Renjun hears him, that much is clear. "After all, a wildfire cannot be tamed."

Renjun stills.

Donghyuck moves away.

xxx

When Donghyuck tells Jeno the truth he has to stop a few times to catch his breath. It's a long tale after all; even if he cuts out a few bits.

Jeno nods when Donghyuck tells him the plan tells him what he needs to do and why he wants to open the wound once more after months of healing.

“There was no healing, how could there be?” Donghyuck counters and Jeno has no answer to that.

All Jeno can offer is a firm hand in his, a reminder that for the first time, Donghyuck has someone else on his side apart from Mark. Mark who can't be there for him now.

The police station is quiet and clearly not ready for what Donghyuck wants to tell them from the look on the officers’ faces.

“Wait, can you go over everything again so we can record it?”

Donghyuck nods his head.

xxx

The Fallout

The morning after Mark's confession is filled with sunshine and Donghyuck feels light as he wakes up and the memories of the night before play under his eyelids.

Back then he didn't know what to say, what kind of answer his best friend expected but as his mind wanders helplessly through the wasteland of his dreams the realization dawns on him.

He'll have to get Mark alone during the night and tell him the truth.

His phone buzzes.

'we still up for later right? my parents want to drag me out to some fancy restaurant and i need to know if i should keep resisting or surrender myself to the most boring evening of my life'

Donghyuck rolls his eyes at Renjun's text.

He likes the Huangs and if not for their plans he would try to convince his best friend to go and try to have fun.

'ofc were on. unless youre too scared to hear my amazing ghost stories'

He smirks, knowing fully well how much his response will rattle Renjun.

'as if'

Donghyuck exits his chat with Renjun and clicks at the one with Mark. It's empty, the last texts are from last evening when Mark asked him if he could come over. Donghyuck stares at his easy 'you dont even have to ask' and feels something inside his stomach clench.

He knows Mark will come, he always does. They both do. Renjun and Mark always come back to Donghyuck just as he comes back to them. No matter what.

It's how it has always been and through the entire duration of the night Donghyuck doesn't doubt it one bit.

Until he's forced to, through forces of chance and circumstance and something else he wasn't willing to admit until now.

It all starts when the three of them look out of his kitchen window at the slowly approaching darkness. Donghyuck has planned a spooky night filled with ghost stories but something just doesn't seem right.

Well, if he had to go off the atmosphere in the room he would congratulate his best friends because it really did resemble the one that falls on the protagonists in horror movies just before the babadook or some other monster appears.

"I think we need candles," he says and his words slash the silence so abruptly Mark jumps. Renjun doesn't move.

"For what?" he asks, back still turned to Donghyuck, tone strained as if at the edge of snapping.

"For the spooky effect of course, what else," Donghyuck rolls his eyes and it earns him a ghostly smile from Mark.

"Won't a torch on your phone be enough? It makes one look creepy as hell, I think."

Donghyuck rolls his eyes even harder.

"That's so basic Markie. What we need is drama, not some boring iPhone light that makes it look like we're at a hospital."

Mark snorts and because neither Renjun nor Mark can say no to him they end up climbing the ladder to the treehouse with candles in their pockets.

xxx

“The fire wasn't your fault Hyuck,” Jeno's voice is steady even over the phone. “You didn't set it.”

“Still, the house burned down because of me,” he answers, resigned. It's been a long afternoon filled with official and unofficial interviews.

Donghyuck knew it would end like this. After all, he's lied before, saying the fire that consumed the old treehouse on his parent’s property was completely accidental and none of them knew where it came from.

There's a pause on the line and Donghyuck can hear a commotion at the front of the police station.

He closes his eyes and prays it's what he thinks it is.

“I have to go,” he tells Jeno hastily. “Renjun is here.”

There is silence again on Jeno's end before the older finally speaks up.

“He came.”

“Of course he did,” Donghyuck says even though his voice is trembling. “Of course he came for me.”

An officer opens the door to the interrogation room and he leaves the desk filled with photographs of his old treehouse burned to the ground behind.

xxx

“You didn't start that fire on purpose did you?”

For the first time in his life, Donghyuck is standing on the see-through side of a police mirror. Well, he's also been on the mirror side of it for the first time just a few hours ago too.

“Of course not,” he says, his eyes traced on Renjun who has barged into the station a mere hour ago speaking of Donghyuck’s innocence in the matter.

Jeno's call must have done wonders.

“Why is he speaking like you've confessed to murder then,” the officer asks, a curious spark in his eyes. Donghyuck has thought they would add all the loose information together by now.

He knows what happened that night.

So does Renjun.

The officer probably does know too but needs it spelled out for him so he can get it on tape.

“I think Renjun thinks I did,” he answers and stares at his best friend as the older tries to narrate the story without actually telling the truth.

“The fire was an accident, I swear,” he leans in and points at one of the photos Donghyuck left behind. “I think I've seen if he did it on purpose. No, no, he didn't try to do anything. He didn't want to hurt anyone!”

Donghyuck watches the scene play out, watches Renjun fight the truth as he slowly comes to realize that the only way out is the truth.

He's fighting a battle no one started. He's antagonizing the officer trying to defend Donghyuck from the charges he was never meant to face. He's digging his own grave.

Donghyuck can pinpoint the exact moment Renjun realizes it, too.

The older goes completely quiet and lets his head fall down to his hands.

Donghyuck holds his breath.

“If anything, it's my fault the fire started.”

Both officers, the one next to Donghyuck and the one next to Renjun look at each other through the glass as if they can actually see each other.

“Are you saying you committed arson?” the one in the interrogation room asks.

Renjun nods.

“Is that true?” asks the one next to Donghyuck.

Donghyuck almost laughs at him because it truly is funny what kind of lies Renjun is willing to spin if needed.

“Not at all,” he answers calmly, the scene of how the candle tripped and fell down making them jump away in fear playing out in his mind and then turns his gaze to his companion. “Can they hear us?”

“I can make them hear,” the guy offers, eyes already on some button on the wall on their right.

Donghyuck simply nods and then takes a deep breath.

“Let me tell you what happened then. No hiding facts now. What I told you before is true but it's not all.”

Renjun lifts his head the second Donghyuck’s voice starts flowing through the speakers.

For the first time in his life, there's fear in his eyes.

Renjun is scared of him.

“I think it could be the wind that threw that candle over the edge of the makeshift table. I've been telling my parents the windows were loose since last winter when we slept over in it and I got a cold afterwards. They said they would look at it but never got a chance. My point is: it was no one's fault but I swear we could have all made it out safely.”

Both rooms stay completely silent. It's a kind of silence one would hear ringing in their ears for years on end after receiving the worst news in their lives.

In a way, Donghyuck supposes this situation is similar.

“Why didn't you then?” The officer’s voice is quiet now and Donghyuck swears his hands are trembling. “All of you went for the exit right?”

Renjun tries to answer, Donghyuck can see his mouth open but nothing comes out. He wonders what excuses his brain formed in the short time Donghyuck spent on telling the story.

No matter, now that he has started he won’t stop until all his terrible words are out.

“Renjun pushed me aside, making sure none of the flames were able to as much as lick me,” Donghyuck feels his voice waver, the memories buried deep inside finally surfacing, floating just above the surface. Donghyuck closes his eyes and remembers the unbelievable warmth of the air that night. “And then, he turned back to the door and—”

xxx

The Fallout

The air is so hot it swims and shimmers before Donghyuck’s eyes. There are black spots before his eyes, the air in his eyes closer to poison than anything else. There are tears streaming down his cheeks as Renjun turns back to the door with determination in his eyes.

“Mark!” Donghyuck’s voice breaks on the short word and it sounds more like a prayer than a name.

There's still so much he hasn't told Mark.

He hasn't told his best friend that he loves him too, never kissed him, never traced that one mole Mark has on his back with his fingers and then with his lips.

“Mark…” Donghyuck tries to get up but his ankle hurts, the skin turning a dark purple, and the world shifts under him slightly as if they were drowning not burning alive.

There must be something in his tone this time, something raw because Renjun who has already made it to the door turns around and their eyes meet for a second.

Donghyuck has never seen anything like this before. The mixture of anger, sadness, devastation crushes him, renders him useless as Renjun turns to the door again, anger in him burning almost brighter than the flames around him.

In that moment Donghyuck realizes that maybe, it's not the flames they should be afraid of. In that second, Renjun might be the most dangerous thing Donghyuck has ever encountered.

Mark's hands reach out, his fingers bending, trying to reach his best friend before it's too late.

Donghyuck screams just a second before anything happens.

He can see Mark's face now, flames dancing in his eyes, Renjun's wrath brighter than anything else.

And then, just as Donghyuck stops to take a deep breath, Renjun reaches out, grabs Mark’s hands, and pushes.

Donghyuck feels like he's still holding in that breath, that scream, not able to let go.

xxx

“—pushed Mark in. I could see his hands and head already. He would have gotten out if not for Renjun deciding otherwise and then shutting the door.”

“What happened next?” detective Kim asks in a whisper.

It seems that no matter what they do, everyone's voice can barely go above a whisper now.

Jeno squeezes Donghyuck’s hand, hard.

Somewhere between one sentence and the next of his terrible story they've let the older in and up until this point Donghyuck hasn't even realized.

Mark might be gone but Jeno is still there, still beside him despite the ugly truth.

“Not even five seconds after the door closed the roof collapsed.”

The silence in the room is ringing in Donghyuck’s eyes.

He closes his eyes for a second and when he opens them, there's Mark in the corner of the room giving him a small smile and an encouraging nod. Donghyuck wishes it was him in front of the door that day, not Renjun. He wished he never made friends with the shy kid in elementary school.

Another blink and Mark is gone.

Donghyuck takes a deep breath and lets it out. He turns to the glass.

Renjun's eyes grow large behind the two-sided mirror, betray clear in the depths of that dark stare which is settled somehow miraculously exactly on Donghyuck.

It's sick, the way Renjun has never seen anything wrong with his actions.

Donghyuck feels sick thinking about Mark’s lonely grave he hasn't been able to visit in almost a month. He feels sick thinking about his best friend's last moments, the betrayal back then nothing like the one Renjun faces now.

It's toxic, the way Renjun loves him and for the longest time, Donghyuck has been trapped in it, not knowing any better apart from that short moment he had with Mark.

Mark’s love has always been sweet, Renjun’s acid slowly eating Donghyuck alive.

Drowning him in guilt and regrets.

Jeno's love is bittersweet, it's a rope pulling him from the depths, a firm hand in his guiding him through it all as he faces the monster that almost let them all burn.

“I told you to stop playing with fire,” he whispers to the boy on the other side of the glass.

“Maybe I should've pushed you in too,” Renjun’s voice is not a whisper. It's almost a scream, full of rage and hate.

Oh, how easy it was to burn his carefully woven love to the ground.

Donghyuck sees the officer next to him hit stop on his recording device and he knows he's won. They have a confession and there's no way around it now.

This is the end.

xxx

The next day Jeno drives him to Mark.

They stay silent through the whole journey, Donghyuck’s head full of the outside world.

It feels like if he lets his thoughts wander he might break and never come back.

“Do you want me to…” Jeno's voice is quiet, waiting for Donghyuck’s answer, probably expecting to catch it somewhere just above a whisper but for once it's not the case.

“I think I want to talk to him alone,” he doesn't let his voice waver. The trees outside sing softly and it calms his nerves.

Next to him, Jeno smiles and it warms Donghyuck enough to make him almost forget his coat as he climbs out of the car.

“Thank you,” he turns to the open window and places a kiss as light as the wind around them on Jeno's lips.

For so long Donghyuck has been the summer, the sun but with Jeno he feels himself relax, letting his happiness bleed through the cracks until there's nothing left except Donghyuck. The true one, not the facade he's been putting on for years.

Now it's Jeno who is the sun and Donghyuck is the wind, barely strong enough to carry autumn leaves. Maybe one day he might be strong enough to become a hurricane, a force to be reckoned with but for now, this is okay.

After all, he doesn't need to move mountains to get to Mark, only a few red and orange leaves.

“I'm sorry I didn't do it earlier,” he keeps his eyes downcast, gaze slowly tracing the familiar lines of Mark's name.

He's been here so many times it feels almost like home even with the strong wind threatening to blow him away.

Still, somehow this feels different than usual.

He's asked Jeno to wait in the car, not too sure if the younger should hear what he has to say to his best friend.

This feels like acceptance. Like closure, like finally letting go.

Donghyuck sees dark spots appear on the light stone. He laughs realizing it's his tears, slipping away from him in silence.

“I should have never let Renjun walk free. Should have never let him stay close.”

There's a sound of crushed leaves and it makes Donghyuck finally lift his gaze and take in Mark's form.

They've done this so many times—

No, he corrects himself, I've done this so many times before.

“Hey Hyuck, it's been a while.”

Mark gives him a big smile but there's sadness there too, a mutual understanding of the way things are coming to an end.

Donghyuck wants to scream that he doesn't want this, doesn't want for Mark to go. He wants to plead so the older will stay.

And God, he's terrible too because he knows Mark would do it if he asked.

But Mark needs to move on.

“You need to move on,” Mark says instead, understanding Donghyuck without words like he's always been able to. “Would you do it if I asked?”

Would he?

Mark would do anything he asked, always did, but can Donghyuck do the same for him?

A stupid question.

After all, Donghyuck has always loved Mark, too.

“Only if you asked nicely,” he says weakly but it earns him a snort from Mark all the same.

“I'll always be your best friend Donghyuck.”

That's right, Donghyuck thinks.

Mark, his real best friend, from the start till the end.

Two of them holding hands on the first day of kindergarten, hiding under blankets so that Donghyuck’s mother wouldn't find them and make them clean the toys, crossing the threshold of their high school hand in hand.

No fire around them, no acid anywhere near. Donghyuck slowly alters his memories so that it's just the two of them. He hopes it works for this version of Mark too, giving at least this Mark some version of peace.

Erasing the crushing fear of the moment when the person who was supposed to always love and support him turned on him.

Mark sighs.

“It's nice to be free,” he says and lets one of the stray orange leaves land on his palm. He studies it carefully, smiles, and then lets it go, lifting his eyes to Donghyuck. “Thank you Donghyuck. For everything.”

Donghyuck closes his eyes, letting the peace wash over him.

“Thank you for loving me Markie. Despite it all.”

Mark laughs.

xxx

The new reality slowly slides into place on the ashes of the old one. It takes some time for Donghyuck to adjust, not all the pieces fitting together just right from the start but as he accepts what he has done, with all its faults and consequences it becomes easier to move on and stop looking behind every chance he gets.

He visits Mark a few times. He brings Jeno and they sit at the deserted cemetery, stories about Donghyuck’s childhood filling their hours. With Jeno, Mark never shows up but after a few months, Donghyuck is forced to face a completely different possibility, one he's avoided thinking about for too long.

Mark might be gone, for good this time.

“Maybe it's because you're healing,” Jeno gives him an easy smile. “He's always been here to help you cope, hasn't he?”

Donghyuck doesn't know if the truth is even half as pretty, Mark's presence more of a personification of his guilty conscience than anything else.

Still, he nods because Jeno's words have some truth in them too. Mark did help him cope with the unimaginable loss he's suffered.

Jeno has helped him too, still does. It's thanks to him he even feels like it was a loss, like he is a victim too, not an accomplice.

Jeno’s presence is what has pushed him to reveal the truth in the end.

“You would have done it sooner than later anyway,” his boyfriend tells him and each day that passes Donghyuck believes it more and more.

“Do you think Renjun would’ve killed me? If I told the story any other way I did?”

“I think,” Jeno’s fingers absentmindedly trace the lines between Donghyuck’s moles creating a galaxy across his skin. “He was capable of doing many horrible things to keep you. I'm not sure if it would also extend to making sure no one can have you if he can't, too. I'm glad we never found out.”

Donghyuck thinks about it and shakes his head lightly. Jeno will never know the whole truth, not the way he does. No matter how many times he tells this story, how many details he keeps in or out, no one will understand what he does about Renjun. Even now.

Donghyuck knows he would never go to the police confessing to manslaughter if there was a different way.

“He was willing to go down with me or save the both of us. It was never going to be me or him. We were never meant to be separated.”

“He never thought you saw what he did,” Jeno adds. Donghyuck nods slowly. He might still go down for it, the process hasn't started yet. “Either that or he didn't think you would betray him. Especially after you said what you said to the police and he went in to save you.”

Donghyuck laughs.

“He thought I was completely out of my mind going in and confessing to killing Mark. He never counted on me not being a good person myself.”

Jeno huffs in protest but Donghyuck moves closer and stops any further discussion with a kiss.

They visit Mark a lot.

For all the talk about Renjun, they never even talk about visiting him.

Not even as years pass.

xxx

“I can't believe they're letting you graduate even if you blew that last exam,” Chenle has his judgemental expression on but his eyes tell a completely different story.

Jeno laughs at their younger friend and pats Donghyuck on the shoulder.

“Well, I think the professor thought that a court appearance was enough of an excuse,” Donghyuck rolls his eyes.

“That excuse is so old.”

Donghyuck smiles a little.

‘No more’ he thinks.

Now, after three years of constant court appearances, he's finally free.

“This calls for a celebration,” Jeno gives both of them a big smile. Donghyuck knows his boyfriend doesn't only mean graduation. Most of all, he probably means the final verdict.

Guilty.

The words ‘second degree murder’ follow him around as he goes on about his days and he doesn't really mind.

Not when he finally visits Mark’s grave with the news, a printout of the articles in hand, and a big smile.

“It's over Markie. Finally over.”

The cemetery is silent now and has been since that day. Donghyuck wonders if he’ll ever see Mark again.

Maybe if the timing is right.

“Second degree murder!” Mark's mother almost lifts him in happiness, tears marking her face but for once she doesn't look crushed.

The words are freeing for them all.

For Donghyuck most of all, the verdict finally giving him back the part that Renjun had stolen all of those years ago, finally making the words he's had stuck in his throat for years flow.

Out of all the people, he thinks Jeno deserves to hear the words first.

"I love you," Donghyuck says one afternoon, Jeno's skin soft under his touch. He chances a glance over Jeno's shoulder and there he is; Mark in a hoodie of a university he'll never get to attend. Donghyuck can feel his eyes water and his vision blurs for a second but he blinks the tears away because somehow knows this is it.

Mark nods at him with a wide grin, no trace of sadness to be seen.

Donghyuck exhales and lets his trembling fingers trace Jeno's arm down to his hand.

"Stay with me," he whispers and Jeno stirs. Mark shakes his head slightly. It's no use, Donghyuck knows it, and yet— "I loved you too, you know. I love you both," this time his voice is a little bit louder. Just a little.

After all, all Donghyuck's secrets were always told in just above a whisper and despite all, it will stay that way.

Maybe forever, maybe not but for now it has to be enough.

“I love you too,” Jeno whispers with a smile, and Mark nods.

This, Donghyuck thinks, is more than enough.