Chapter Text
Technically, this isn’t the craziest thing the crew has done.
Hell, this isn’t even the craziest thing Zoro has done in the two unfortunate years Sanji has known him — this is, after all, the same man who challenged the Greatest Swordsman to a duel when he was still a fresh-faced 19-year-old with nothing to his name. Between that, attempting to cut his own leg when he was stuck, and carrying around a cursed sword as part of his weapon arsenal, this isn’t even breaking the top five of Sanji’s mental list of Insane Zoro Moments.
Sanji can't help asking, still. “What the hell are you carrying?”
Zoro stares at him as if Sanji just asked if Luffy would like some vegetables for lunch. He takes the baby out of his haramaki. “It’s a baby.”
Sanji can feel a migraine coming. “Of course I know what a baby is,” he replies, slowly, because anything other than pointing out the obvious can make him spiral into a panic attack. “Why are you carrying a baby?”
Zoro still gives him the look, which is infuriating. He shrugs. “Found it on the way here.”
There it is. The migraine. It’s here. Sanji massages his temple in an attempt to maintain his feeble grasp on sanity. “Do you know that’s a human baby?” He asks, trying a different approach. “It’s —he’s not gonna stay that small. He’s going to grow up to be like you.”
Zoro looks at the kid. The kid gurgles back. “He doesn’t look anything like me.”
“That’s not my point — argh,” Sanji throws his hands and starts pacing around, gesturing wildly at the baby. “You can’t just take a human baby. We’re going to leave the island in a week — what if his parents are looking for him?”
“...doesn’t have any,” Zoro mumbles.
Sanji stops in his track. “What?”
Zoro sighs as he puts the baby back in his haramaki — is that even safe? — and crosses his arms. “Found him on a pile of garbage near a busy market square,” he explains, expression darkening. “Kid cried for a while and nobody even turned their heads. Either his family’s dead, or they don’t want him.”
Suddenly everything slots into place.
That, Sanji can understand. The irrational tug in his heart to extend a helping hand towards vulnerable people that Zoro must have felt, sure — but also the other thing, the thing about being abandoned and unwanted by your own family, about crying so hard until your ribs hurt like knives and yet nobody even bat an eyelash.
Sanji stares at the baby. The baby starts giggling.
Well.
This isn’t the craziest thing Sanji has ever done either.
Usopp has considerable experience with various forms of hallucinogens, but he is pretty sure he didn’t consume any recently. He blinks his eyes a couple of times, though, just for good measure, and the sight that greeted him as he entered the galley doesn’t change.
There is only one conclusion. “Um, guys, sorry to interrupt, but I think I just got hit by a magic spell,” Usopp announces, narrowing his eyes at the illusion. “Because right now I’m seeing Sanji carrying a baby. Like, a real life human baby.”
Zoro and Sanji give him twin bewildered stares. Usopp thinks it’s stupid how they fight a lot even though they’re now together, but it’s creepy when they don’t fight and do the synchronized couple thing instead.
“It’s not a magic spell, Usopp,” Sanji says after a moment. “I am carrying a baby.”
Usopp thinks he can probably take this insane statement from Luffy, maybe Zoro. But Sanji? Sanji is usually their beacon of rationality as long as there’s no woman involved — wait. “There’s a woman involved, isn’t there,” Usopp blurts out. “Did you impregnate someone, Sanji? Is this your child?”
“In just a day?” Sanji asks, as if Usopp is the more ridiculous person in this whole conversation. “Usopp, come on, this baby is at least a few months old.”
“I found him on the way back,” Zoro supplies, as if that explains anything.
“We’re taking care of her from now on,” Sanji adds.
“Oh my god,” Usopp says, eyes darting between the dumbass couple. What is even happening. Zoro and Sanji are clearly out of their minds, enchanted by an evil witch who lays curses in the form of parental responsibilities, and it is time for the Great Captain Usopp to save the day.
Usopp crosses his arms, straightens his back, and declares, "I'm going to walk out of the room, and when I go back in, everyone is going to be rational and return the baby to where it belongs."
He walks out of the room.
When he goes back in ten seconds later, Sanji is still holding the baby. Zoro is playing with his hair, and the baby stares, fascinated.
Right. Evil witch curses.
Seemingly catching on Usopp’s horror, Sanji finally sighs, and hands Zoro the baby before patting Usopp on the shoulder. “Look,” Sanji begins, “I know this is a little unusual —”
“This is a lot unusual —”
“ — but he’s got nowhere else to go, Usopp,” Sanji plows on, hands squeezing Usopp’s shoulders for emphasis. “Zoro found him left alone near a pile of trash. He was clearly abandoned. Can’t we at least keep him for a while?”
Usopp is quickly reminded of the kids back in Syrup Village; Ninjin liked to bring home stray animals, and Tamanegi would start giving him these misty eyes if Usopp even alluded to the idea of parting with the animals. Usopp is used to being the one to make difficult decisions for the sake of kids who don’t know better, and one sad look from Sanji is nothing compared to the constant barrage of whines from the Usopp Pirates.
“I still think this isn’t a good idea, Sanji,” he says gently. “The sea isn’t a safe place for a little baby, and we have bounties on our head. I’m telling Nami.”
Usopp feels dirty for pulling the Nami Card, but that shuts Sanji up really fast. Usopp watches his head and shoulders droop, like a kicked puppy, and now Usopp feels really bad.
“Don’t be silly,” Zoro speaks up for the first time since the argument started. “It’s just a baby.”
There’s a scowl on Zoro’s face, its intensity mirroring the disappointed slope of Sanji’s shoulders. These two are so easy to read it’s adorable. Under different circumstances, Usopp can imagine them raising a kid or two together — maybe a little girl Sanji would get protective over, or a little boy Zoro would dote on like he would with Chopper. A bizarre little family, but filled with a lot of love —
No, Usopp. Focus.
“I’m telling Nami!” Usopp repeats, more to himself than anyone else in the room. He quickly flees the galley before he, too, can fall under the curse of the evil witch. It’s definitely a strong curse.