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Sif’s heart nearly stopped when she saw him come out on stage. She knew this was a bad idea, but Jane was a big fan of his and when she’d heard that he was performing in the next town over, she’d insisted that they get tickets.
Sif didn’t have the guts to tell Jane that the songs of loss and heartbreak that she loved so much, were all inspired by Sif. That the album she’d first fallen in love with that senior year of college had been all about the absolute implosion of Sif and Loki’s relationship the year prior.
She was sure that by now, there were plenty of exes…Loki must have plenty of fodder for his songs. It had been nearly ten years since they dated. But whenever she came home and Jane was listening to his music while she cooked or cleaned or studied, Sif would take a moment to listen to the lyrics and some of the words still cut like a knife.
His new stuff was mellower though. She still talked to Thor sometimes and he said that Loki was better these days. He’d stopped drinking; he was going to therapy; he’d even come over to his parents’ house for Christmas dinner last year. The news had made Sif’s heart so happy for Thor, but it had only made her ache deeper. It seemed like Loki had mended so many of the relationships in his life…except with her.
She let Jane tug her closer to the stage. Surely Loki wouldn’t be able to spot her from the stage, even though it was a smaller venue. Loki had always seemed like he was in a world of his own when he played his music. Jane pushed her way to the front, but Sif hung back a few feet, leery of getting too close.
Loki was introducing the next song and Sif smiled as she saw Jane perk up and look around for Sif. It was Jane’s favorite song. Jane reached for her and Sif stepped forward - suddenly Loki, who had been at ease bantering with the crowd, stiffened and stopped speaking. Sif gulped, afraid to look up at him.
Jane had stopped tugging at her hand. Sif eventually gathered her tattered nerves and looked up, meeting Loki's stunned gaze. She would have laughed at the way his mouth was hanging open, but the ache in her chest was absolutely overwhelming and she could only focus on breathing and not falling over.
Loki, realizing that people were starting to wonder what was going on, cleared his throat and turned his performer persona back on. “Actually, we’ll save that one for a little later in the show. I actually was thinking maybe I’d play something new for you. How’s that sound?”
The crowd cheered and Sif remained glued to the spot. She couldn’t take her eyes off him.
“This one is called ‘Deserve,’” Loki said, glancing over at her again before he closed his eyes and started playing the new song.
Sif was gobsmacked as she listened to the song. She hadn’t been home much, so she hadn’t heard Jane playing Loki’s new album on repeat – this song certainly would have caught her attention if she had. It was a soft, intimate song, all about yearning for forgiveness, but not knowing if he deserved it.
She knew that it was relevant to so many people in Loki’s life…but according to Thor, most of his relationships were on their way to mending. Who else could he want to make amends with? She could feel her blood rushing through her veins, causing her face to flush as she continued to listen to Loki’s enchanting voice.
He let the last chord ring out and the entire room was silent for a few moments, before erupting into applause. Loki’s eyes popped open, as if he was surprised that he was still on stage. He immediately seemed to seek her out and a soft smile appeared on his face when he saw her in the crowd.
Fandral came out on stage with a new guitar and Sif grinned at seeing her old friend. Loki grabbed his arm and whispered something in Fandral’s ear and he gestured vaguely in her direction and Sif’s eyes widened again. Fandral, still not subtle in the least, whipped his head towards Sif and grinned brightly as he saw her in the crowd.
Jane tugged on her arm. “What the hell is going on, Sif?”
Fandral disappeared from the stage and Loki put on the new guitar, tuning it and acting as if nothing had happened. He launched into the next song and just a few moments later, Sif felt a tap on her shoulder.
“Long time, no see, Sif!” Fandral said, catching her in a giant hug. Sif hugged him back, well aware that Jane was watching her intensely.
“Hi Fandral!”
He pressed two laminated cards on lanyards into her hand. “Backstage passes for you and your friend. Just flash them to the big guy guarding the door and he’ll let you in after the show. Loki wants to see you. Thor’s here too! He’s out getting food right now, but he’ll be back there by the end of the show,” Fandral said, his voice loud, almost too loud, in her ear.
Sif nodded and with that, Fandral was gone, disappearing back into the crowd. Jane was again by her side, poking at her. “I repeat, what the hell is going on, Sif?”
Sif shrugged and looped the backstage pass around Jane’s neck, before putting on her own. “Did I forget to mention that I know Loki Odinson?”
“Uh yeah! You definitely forgot to mention that!”
Sif had always loved listening to Loki sing and play his guitar, but she could barely focus for the rest of the night. Every time he glanced over in her direction, she held her breath, waiting for something, anything, to happen. But he’d usually just smile and then launch into his next song. A few times, she thought that he looked a bit chagrined before he’d start a song that struck a particularly deep chord within her, making her think of some of the hardest parts of their relationship.
But all too soon, it was over. The lights were up and Jane, not one to pass up an opportunity to meet one of her favorite artists, was dragging her towards the guard standing at the backstage entrance. “Hey, I think that the guy who gave us these said it’ll get us backstage? My friend here knows Loki.”
The man glanced at the passes and stepped aside, pressing the door open and gestured for them to go through. Sif could hear the chattering behind them, the remaining fans wondering how the two of them managed to snag two backstage passes when Loki was notoriously private and almost never did any sort of meet and greet.
Sif was just starting to wonder where Loki was when Thor was suddenly in front of her, grabbing her in a big hug, lifting her off her feet. She squealed and slapped at his shoulders. “Thor, you oaf, put me down! We’re not kids anymore!”
He grinned as he set her on her feet. “I’m just so excited to see you again! It was so lucky that Loki saw you in the crowd – you should have let us know that you were coming, Sif!” His attention was suddenly captured by Jane and he smiled brightly at her. “And you should have said you were bringing a friend.”
Sif shoved at his shoulder. “Thor, this is Jane. She was my roommate when I transferred, and we’ve been living together ever since. She’s the best. Jane, this is Thor Odinson. We grew up together.”
Jane’s eyes were huge as she practically ignored Thor and stared at Sif. “You grew up with Loki Odinson and you never happened to mention that in all the time we’ve lived together?”
Sif shrugged and Thor just laughed good-naturedly. “More than just grew up with. Loki and Sif dated for quite a while back in the day.”
Jane looked like she was about to have a stroke. Sif just shook her head and shrugged her shoulders again. “It was ages ago. We were kids.”
“Young adults, at least.” Sif stiffened as she heard his voice. Thor stepped aside slightly, letting Loki through as he clapped Thor on the shoulder. “It’s good to see you, Sif,” he murmured. His voice, normally so melodious, sounded slightly choked and his eyes were guarded.
“It’s good to see you too, Loki. It’s been a while.” She wanted to slap a hand over her mouth. Really? Calling attention to just how long it had been since they’d spoken? Great idea, Sif.
But Loki didn’t seem to take offense. Instead, he just nodded solemnly. “It has.” He then turned to Jane and offered his hand. “Loki Odinson. I believe you’re the one to thank for dragging Sif to my show?”
Jane nodded eagerly. “I am. I’m a big fan, Loki. Your first album got me through my first big breakup. Your lyrics are just…perfect.”
Loki grinned and nodded at Jane. “Thank you, Jane. Sif never told you that she knew me?”
“Never,” Jane said, shaking her head. “But Sif’s pretty tight-lipped when she wants to be.”
Loki’s smile seemed tight, but Jane didn’t seem to notice. “Jane, Thor, would you mind leaving Sif and I alone for just a few moments? Afterwards, I’d love to invite you back to our hotel for drinks, Jane. Assuming you and Sif would like to join us.”
Jane looked to Sif, deferring to her now that she knew there was history between the two of them. Sif nodded. "I'm down for drink if you are, Jane," she replied. Jane nodded eagerly.
He smiled at her. “Great. Thor, why don’t you go and introduce Jane to the band?” Thor offered Jane his arm and she giggled, blushing prettily as she accepted it and they headed towards the green room.
Loki tilted his head towards Sif and started walking in a different direction and she quickly followed after him. He led her to a small, but comfortable dressing room and quietly closed the door once she was inside. “It really is good to see you, Sif.”
She smiled at him, sitting down on the couch and looking up at him, where he was leaning against the door. “Thanks. It’s good to see you too, Loki. You look good.”
“Amazing what not going on weekend benders will do for you. Takes years off the face,” he muttered, giving her a sly grin.
She nodded. “I heard from Thor that you were sober. I’m proud of you, Loki. Not everyone would be able to turn it around like you have.”
“You always thought I could.”
“I had always hoped, yeah.”
“Can I…can I sit?” he asked quietly, gesturing to the couch and the spot that she had left open for him.
She grinned. “It’s your dressing room, Loki. Of course, you can sit.”
He came over and sat down heavily next to her. He was silent beside her, picking at his palm in an old nervous habit that she recognized so well. He’d done it ever since he was a child. “I’m sorry, Sif. So many times, I’ve wanted to pick up the phone and beg your forgiveness, but I just…couldn’t. I was scared that…that you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Ever. And that was just a chance I couldn’t take. It was better to just never contact you and somehow keep the hope that maybe you didn’t totally hate me, rather than reach out and have you hang up.” He looked up at her, his blue eyes wide. “Does that make any sense at all?”
“Yeah, weirdly it does. Because I feel like I did the same thing. Every time I thought about texting you or reaching out…I just couldn’t do it. I was too afraid.”
“Why did you let Jane convince you to come to the show?”
She shrugged. “I never told her…about us. And she’s such a big fan, I couldn’t just say no. And…and maybe…I wanted to see you. Wanted to hear you sing again. I really didn’t think…I honestly didn’t mean for you to see me, Loki.”
His eyes widened. “You really would have just left? You wouldn’t have even texted Thor?”
She shook her head. “Nope. I was planning on just getting in and out. And then Jane had to be a crazy fan and push her way to the front…” she trailed off.
Loki grabbed her hand and Sif looked up at him, her eyes wide. “I’m glad she did. I’m glad I saw you. And I’m glad that you agreed to come backstage.”
She smiled warmly at him and squeezed his hand. “I’m glad too.” She looked down at their hands as she intertwined their fingers. “And just for the record…my number is the same. And I’d never hang up on you.”
He looked rather pleased. “Good to know. I’ll have to give you a call soon.”
“You’d better.”
Loki smiled at her and then got to his feet, still holding on to her hand. “Wanna come see the guys in the band? There’s a few new faces..a few old faces too. You already saw Fandral.”
Sif stood up as well and nodded. “Lead on, Odinson!”