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Twas a night during Chrismukkah, and all through the (pool) house
Seth and Ryan were lounging, hoping to get soused.
The 'rents were out dancing, Seth had tamed his hair
In hopes that girls bearing liquor soon would be there.
As Seth paced, impatient; Ryan remained staid
While thoughts of debauchery danced in their heads.
With Ryan in his ‘beater, and Seth in his cap.
From the door came a greeting, a firm “tap tap tap”
Ryan gives Seth a look, as if to say “knocking. It’s the new trend,” heaves himself off the bed, and opens the door slowly. Summer plows through, weighted down by a green and blue box and a liquor bottle. “Okay, we’ve got Rolling Rock, and, in honor of Hanukkah, some Blue Cura…Curra…Cure-ah…” She waves her hand in dismissal. “However you pronounce it.”
Ryan approaches Summer, relieving her of the case, and turns the bottle so that the label faces him.
“Blue Curacao?”
“Yeah. Whatever.” Summer shoots a glance at Seth, who stands, a large grin on his face. “Nice hat, Ashton Kutcher.”
Seth scowls and removes his bright green trucker hat silkscreened with mistletoe sprigs and the words “Kiss Me, it’s Christmas!”
“Someone was just trying to get into the holiday spirit,” Seth mutters to his feet, flipping the cap onto the bed, then looks at Summer, opening his mouth in a silent mocking laugh. Summer shakes her head.
The door swings open again, revealing Anna in a striped red and green scarf and snowflake earrings, red and green bottles clutched in her hands as well. “In honor of Christmas, I bring Midori and Hot Damn!”
“Mmm, fruity shots. How very girly of you.” Seth pats Anna on the back, grinning.
“I am a girl.” Anna says in dry amusement, sweeping past Seth.
Ryan sidles up to Seth, pats him on the back, and whispers, “Two for two, man,” as Anna and Summer busy themselves with the drinks.
*
Twenty-five minutes and a few beers later, they’re all in a circle on the edges of Ryan’s bed, despite his small and mostly unheard pleas that it may be dangerous to have open bottles of liquor that close to the clean sheets.
“So.” Summer explains. “I Never works like this: You say something, like, “I never spent 400 dollars on a pair of shoes.” And then, everyone who’s done it, drinks.” As if to provide an example, Summer raises her beer and takes a swig.
“I’ve never written something that was published.” Anna offers, and drinks.
“I’ve never been arrested.” Ryan states, in rare good humor, and drinks.
“I’ve never made out with Seth Cohen.” Summer laughs as she and Anna drink and Seth squirms uncomfortably.
Ryan surreptitiously raises his beer to his lips, escaping the notice of the two girls.
“I’ve never…” Seth begins, before Anna interrupts.
“I’ve never pierced something other than my ears.” Anna drinks.
“I’ve never had sex.” Ryan, Anna, and Summer raise their bottles.
Seth opens his mouth again “I’ve…”
“I’ve never given a blowjob.” Summer adds quickly, talking over Seth’s words.
“I think I need a shot for this one.” Ryan reaches for the bottle of red liquid while Seth boggles and Summer and Anna giggle over their sips.
“I *told* you!” Anna stage whispers to Summer, and Summer hits her playfully in return.
“I’ve never had a threesome.” Summer states, eyes moving about the room. Ryan shrugs and raises his bottle, as Anna tilts hers to clink Ryan’s, and they both drink.
“I’ve never skinny-dipped.” Ryan says. Summer and Anna pour themselves shots and drink merrily as Seth picks at the covers and sulks.
“Dude, you have your own pool and never skinny dipped?” Ryan mutters in Seth’s direction. “That’s weird.”
“I lead a sheltered life.” Seth shrugs as Summer begins speaking again.
“I’ve never had any part of my body waxed.” Only Summer drinks. “Anna?” She asks incredulously.
“I enjoy the little pink disposable razors,” she says pertly.
Seth rolls his eyes. “Where’s Luke when you need him?”
“I’ve never smoked pot.” Ryan, Summer, and Anna drink.
Seth stares sadly at the colorful shots in front of him.
“I’ve never done E.” Summer and Ryan drink.
Seth frowns and begins to tap his fingers on the bedspread.
“I’ve never had sex in a car.” Anna, Summer, and Ryan drink.
“Hey, feeling a little left out here!” Seth raises a hand, looking for attention.
“Aww, poor Seth.” Summer teases, squinching up her nose.
“I never sailed to Tahiti.” Anna says, looking at Seth while lifting her beer.
“I want to, does that count?” Seth pleads as Anna raises her eyebrows at him over the neck of her bottle.
Seth slaps both of his hands flat on the futon and glares at his smiling compatriots, who appear to be getting tipsier by the moment. “Why don’t we ask some things *I* can drink to, huh? Like, like—oh! I’ve never beaten Mario Brothers in less than fifteen minutes!”
Seth reaches for the blue shot in the middle of the bed and slams it.
“Or, hey, I’ve never gotten 37 stories in a game of Jenga?” Seth darts his gaze around the circle, palms raised beckoningly.
Summer and Anna exchange glances, as if in relief that they let *this* prize slip away.
“Ooh, no one? How odd.” Seth remarks mock-amusedly, before pouring himself another drink. “How about this one? I’ve never gotten a girl’s number at ComiCon?”
Ryan tilts his head at Seth and lifts an eyebrow.
“Fine, a woman’s number.”
Ryan clears his throat.
“Okay, it was a man dressed as Xena, but dude? He was hot!” Seth rambles quickly, picking at the frayed hem of his jeans. “I’ll be taking my drink now.” Seth states plainly, nose in the air.
**ten minutes later**
“I’ve never had someone make a comic book about me.” Seth walks in a wavy line around the bed, beer in one hand and half-full glass of Hot Damn sloshing around in the other.
Anna, Ryan, and Summer recline against Ryan’s headboard, Seth’s unwilling yet still highly amused audience.
“How long are we going to let him keep doing this?” Anna turns her head and remarks to Ryan as Seth continues babbling, and drinking, and babbling some more.
Ryan’s forehead lifts and he takes a swig of his beer. “Until he passes out so we can finally participate.”
Summer snorts and examines her fading lipstick in the reflection of her glass. “Knowing how much of a lightweight Cohen is, I give it ten more minutes.”
**ten minutes later**
Ryan shakes Seth where he sits sprawled, all arms and legs, in a wicker chair, empty bottle tipped over and rolling around on the carpet.
“Huh? What?” Seth’s eyelids flutter halfway open and his hazel eyes roam around the room. “Where’d the girls go?” he slurs.
“They’re in the house, getting some ice.” Ryan looks Seth up and down, appraising his wrinkled shirt, the small spots of red and blue that hadn’t been there at the start of the evening.
“I don’t like that game.” Seth’s bright red lips form the words carefully as he shakes his head and slumps further into the cushions, eyelids drooping again. Ryan looks at him with concern for a second, when Seth suddenly shoots up, eyes wide, startling Ryan.
“Wait jus’ a second.” Seth raises a finger and squints at Ryan. “Did I dream it, or did you really drink to the whole blowjob thing? Cause there’s kissing, which, yeah, we’ve been there, and there’s blow jobs, and there are some things that I can’t ever drink to and that’s one of them.”
“Ever?” The corner of Ryan’s mouth twitches.
“Mr. Atwood, are you trying to seduce me?” Seth tries to sound debonair, but with the influence of the liquor, comes off sounding more like the Continental.
Ryan curls a finger under Seth’s jaw and winks. Seth’s jaw drops open because Ryan? Winking? Yeah, that was a new thing. “How about when the girls leave. We’ll see about helping you out with your whole “I Never” problem?”
Seth grins at Ryan and hiccups, nodding his head in sleepy satisfaction.
The door swings open with a rattle of blinds on glass and Summer and Anna re-enter, bearing pitchers of ice.
Ryan straightens up quickly and brushes his hands on his jeans, while Seth sits in the chair and struggles to look innocent.
Summer nods at the boys, training her gaze on Seth. “So. You’re awake. Up for a second round?”
Seth grins and his glance flicks over to Ryan, then back to Summer. “Tomorrow’s better for me. How about tomorrow?”
--finis--