Archive of Our Own

Neil looks miserably around his small, sparsely decorated apartment and wonders what the hell he’s doing with his life. His dishwasher has been leaking for two weeks and he hasn’t been able to scrounge up the energy to notify his landlord - he just wipes up the ever-present puddle two or three times a day. He sighs, kneeling with the designated dishwasher leakage rag before leaving for work. It’s an odd thing - Neil having a job. Even odder - it’s a job at the local candy store. Neil hates candy.

The owner of Sweet Stuff is Dan Wilds, a fierce and formidable woman, who inherited the place from her pseudo-father David Wymack when he retired last year. The other employees include her boyfriend, Matt (a tall, cheerful man), and their friend, Allison (a tall, brazen woman). Neil happened to pass out in front of the shop one day from exhaustion and hunger - he’d been squatting in nearby houses but was having trouble finding enough food to keep going and enough blankets to keep warm. He’d immediately been offered the spare bedroom in Dan and Matt’s apartment and a job at Sweet Stuff. A month later and he’s still here. For some reason.

He doesn’t exactly mind. He has sort-of friends, he’s comfortable. He has his own apartment now, and a nice cushion of savings. What he doesn’t have is any sort of long-term plan or goals. He doesn’t exactly want to work at Sweet Stuff for the rest of his life. The smell is enough to give him daily headaches.

He’s reminded of this as he pushes the door open, pausing to adjust to the sickly-sweet scent before making his way towards the back room. Allison is at the one singular table, hunched over a piece of fabric with a needle and thread.

“I’m hemming this skirt for Renee,” she says by way of greeting.

“Who’s Renee?” Neil hangs his jacket on his hook and pins his nametag to his pale pink polo shirt.

“My girlfriend, who I’ve only mentioned about fifteen hundred times in the last month,” Allison says, glaring up at him.

“Oh.” Neil has declined all social invitations, claiming he’s busy running, or fixing his dishwasher, or too tired, or cleaning his bathroom. He has a feeling Allison is getting sick of his excuses.

As if reading his mind, Allison says, “You’d know if you came to our barbecues, or, you know, listened to anything I say.”

Neil shrugs. “Maybe.”

Allison just rolls her eyes and returns to her sewing.

Neil perches on the stool behind the front counter and waits. It’s only ten in the morning, surely no one’s having sugar cravings before lunch.

Of course, he’s proven wrong when the bell above the door jingles and two people enter the shop. One is a girl with white hair, the ends dyed alternating pastel colours, wearing a white pleated skirt, black tights and a lilac long-sleeved top. Her companion is a bit shorter than her and dressed head-to-toe in black, with a head of blonde hair that looks like he stuck his head out of the window of a car going ninety miles an hour.

“It’s windy out there,” the girl says cheerfully. The man scowls.

Neil wonders why she’s talking to him about the weather when Allison barrels past him and practically leaps into the girl’s arms.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming in today!” Allison says, slapping the girl, who Neil now realises is Renee, playfully on the shoulder.

Renee smiles. “Andrew was craving something sweet.”

Neil looks back at Andrew and realises he’s wandered to the shelves and is in the process of grabbing handfuls of… everything. Neil watches in horror as Andrew folds the bottom of his hoodie upward, forming a pouch, and begins to drop about fifteen fistfulls of sweets into it. Allison and Renee chat off to the side, unconcerned. Neil is almost convinced Andrew’s going to purchase everything in the shop until he finally steps up to the counter and unceremoniously empties his pouch, flashing a look at Neil, challenging him to comment. Neil says nothing and begins to scan the candies, not bothering to hide the disgust in his expression.

“Honestly, Andrew.” Allison and Renee approach the counter, Allison’s face twisted into a grimace. “It’s a miracle Kevin hasn’t strangled you yet.”

Andrew says nothing.

“Neil, this is Renee,” Allison says. “And that’s Andrew.”

Neil and Andrew glance at each other, Andrew looking distinctly unimpressed.

“It’s nice to meet you, Neil,” Renee says. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

Neil tries to imagine what Allison could possibly have to say about him and comes up blank. He’s about as interesting as a plank of wood.

“We were just saying how you should come to our monthly get-together,” Allison says pointedly.

Neil ignores her.

“It would be great if you joined us,” Renee added, “but of course it’s up to you. It’s dinner and drinks at a local bar this Saturday.”

“I don’t drink,” Neil says.

“But you do eat,” Allison counters. “Renee doesn’t drink either. Neither does Kevin. Come on, Neil.” She stretches out the e in Neil.

Neil sweeps Andrew’s candy into a paper bag and slides it across the counter. Andrew takes the bag, peers inside and selects a pink lollipop to stick into his mouth. He drops the bag into Renee’s handbag and makes his way to the door. Renee just smiles at Neil and places a hand on Allison’s waist.

“See you guys later.”

Neil stares out the window and watches Andrew slide into a sleek black sports car and wonders what he’s going to do with all of that candy. The thought makes Neil want to hurl.

-

The next time Andrew visits Sweet Stuff, he’s alone.

And this time he’s prepared.

He has an empty backpack. And fills the whole thing.

Neil wonders if this is some sort of sick karma, that all he can do is sit and watch Andrew, knowing he’s probably eating all of this himself. It’s only been three days since he came with Renee.

“You didn’t seriously eat all of that already, did you?” Neil can’t help but ask.

“You’re not seriously sticking your nose in other people’s business, are you?” Andrew mocks in a bored voice, upending the backpack over the counter. Some of the sweets end up on the floor.

Neil scoffs and begins the long process of scanning each individual piece. Andrew sticks a blue lollipop into his mouth.

Someone whistles behind Neil. It’s Matt, poking his head out of the back room. “Jesus,” he says. “I thought Nicky said he was putting you on a diet.”

Andrew doesn’t answer, just sucks on his lollipop, sparing Matt a brief glance.

Neil wonders who Nicky is and why he thinks he has control over what Andrew eats.

When Neil’s done, Andrew swipes his haul into the backpack and leaves without a word.

-

Somehow, Neil agrees to attend the get-together, mostly because Dan says it’s a mandatory staff party and he has to go for important business discussions. Allison picks him up in her white Jeep, sighing at his outfit (old jeans, an older long-sleeved shirt and scuffed Converse). When they arrive, Dan, Matt, Renee and Andrew are sitting at a large semi-circle booth with three strangers - a knock-off Andrew, a curly-haired man, and a broody man.

“Staff party my ass,” Neil mutters as Allison pulls him into the booth.

Introductions are made, during which Neil nods at the three strangers as they’re introduced. The seating arrangement, from left to right, is Neil, Allison, Renee, Dan, Matt, Nicky (the curly-haired man who wants Andrew to go on a diet), Aaron (the knock-off Andrew), Kevin (the broody man), and Andrew - this puts Neil and Andrew across from each other.

Andrew is sucking on a red lollipop, perusing the menu. Neil pities his dentist.

After ordering their food, Nicky leans forward eagerly, chin propped up in one palm. “So, Neil,” he says. “What’s a cutie like you doing passing out in front of candy stores?”

Neil levels his best glare at Dan, Matt and Allison.

“What happened to your face?” Aaron asks unkindly. Kevin slaps him on the shoulder.

Neil’s hand jerks up instinctually towards his marred cheeks. “Aren’t you nosy,” he says coolly.

Aaron scowls, but a quelling look from Dan and a mouthed shut the fuck up from Matt shut him up.

When their food arrives, Neil picks at his burger, his appetite gone. Andrew silently slides it towards himself and demolishes the rest, having already finished his mac ‘n’ cheese.

The conversation lightens up as they eat, Allison, Nicky and Matt carrying the bulk of it with Renee, Dan and Kevin contributing here and there.

Neil elects to forgo dessert, but Andrew surprisingly pipes up and says, “He’ll have a caramel fudge sundae with extra fudge and extra caramel,” to the waitress, who nods bemusedly and heads to the kitchen.

“Andrew,” Nicky admonishes through a pained chuckle. “Come on.”

Andrew ignores him as well as the look from Kevin.

An awkward silence settles over the table until Renee says, “Have any of you finished watching Sex Education?” Nicky and Matt respond with enthusiasm and they dive into a discussion about who was blowing who and who was fixing someone’s kitchen sink. Neil is reminded of his broken dishwasher.

When Neil’s dessert arrives he slides it to Andrew, who is steadily making his way through his own dessert - two scoops of chocolate fudge ice cream with rainbow sprinkles - he’d specifically requested the rainbow ones.

Kevin says something to Andrew in a hushed voice, to which Andrew responds by flicking his fingers dismissively. Kevin shakes his head and exchanges a glance with Nicky.

Neil stands, suddenly feeling uncomfortable, and says, “Smoke break,” heading for the door. He doesn’t actually smoke - hasn’t in a while, but needs the fresh air and quiet. He doesn’t realise he’s been followed until Andrew props himself up against the wall a few feet from Neil, pulling a red lollipop out of one of his pockets. Without looking at Neil, he produces another one, seemingly from thin air, and offers it to Neil, who shakes his head, making a face.

“Why are they so concerned about your diet?” Neil asks.

Andrew glances at him.

“Nicky and Kevin,” Neil explains unnecessarily.

Andrew removes the lollipop from his mouth with a small pop. “They have a habit of sticking their noses where they do not belong,” he says. “A trait they share with you, and apparently my idiot brother.”

That’s the most Neil’s ever heard Andrew say at once.

“That’s stupid,” he says.

Andrew scoffs.

They head back inside after a few more minutes. Neil decides he’s glad he decided to come tonight.

-

Nicky bursts into Sweet Stuff a few days later and announces, “Neil, you’re coming to Andrew and Aaron’s birthday party next week, right? It’s at our house. Everyone will be there.” Nicky pretends to shop for sweets, grabbing a few at random. He tosses a single pixie stick, a pack of Twizzlers and a Snickers onto the counter.

This is the first time Neil is hearing about it. He shrugs.

Unfortunately, Allison overheard Nicky and saunters out of the back room. “Of course Neil’s coming to the party,” she says.

“Maybe,” Neil says.

The days leading up to the party are filled with Allison’s nagging. And then Nicky’s nagging. And then Matt and Dan’s nagging. Neil isn’t swayed.

The day before the party Allison makes one last attempt. She says it’s going to be at Nicky, Aaron and Andrew’s house, it’s going to be the same people who were at the bar, small and low-key, as requested by Aaron (Andrew had nothing to say on the subject), and he can leave early if he really wants to.

Neil says, “Fine. I’ll go. But I won’t enjoy myself.”

Allison snorts. “You rarely do.”

Neil panics at the mall that evening, realising he’s never purchased a gift for anyone in his life and now he has to buy two for people he barely knows. He ends up buying a random pair of socks for Aaron and a candy-scented candle for Andrew.

He shows up to the party in a faded, grey, long-sleeved shirt, faded blue jeans and faded red Converse, pretty much what he wore to the get-together at the bar.

Nicky, Renee and Kevin are in the kitchen cooking lasagna and garlic bread. Everyone else is spread around the living room - Aaron and some strange girl in a loveseat against the far wall, Matt, Dan and Allison on the sofa, and Andrew stuffed in a bean bag with a small, black cat on his lap (apparently called Sir Fat Cat McCaterson). The TV is on and muted - playing what seems to be a cartoon movie with dragons and vikings.

Neil flounders in the entryway with his gifts until Nicky swoops in and puts them on the coffee table with the others. Andrew and Sir peer suspiciously at them.

Nicky pulls Neil into the kitchen and offers him a beer, which Neil declines. Kevin offers him a juice box and says it’s from Andrew’s secret stash. Renee offers to pull a chair from the table so he can sit in the living room, but he declines, opting to stay in the kitchen where there are less people. He’s roped into a conversation with Kevin about the best treadmill brands.

Dinner is eventually ready and they all sit around the large, rectangular dining table. Andrew’s eyes dart to Neil’s juice box and he scowls at Neil and then scowls at Kevin. Sitting on one side of the table are Dan, Matt, Allison, Renee and Neil. Across from them are the strange girl (introduced as Katelyn, Aaron’s girlfriend), Aaron, Nicky, Kevin and Andrew. This, once again, puts Neil across from Andrew - Neil wonders if this is intentional.

The lasagna is passed around - it’s vegetarian for Renee and Kevin’s benefit. Everyone has seconds except for Neil. Andrew has thirds. For dessert, Nicky brings out two cakes - one vanilla with a simple Happy Birthday written in black icing, the other is a chocolate ice cream cake with no writing.

Nicky starts to sing but is cut off by protests from almost everyone. He swats at them good-naturedly and proceeds to stick one candle in each cake and light them. The twins blow out their candles and the cakes are cut - the ice cream cake is still hard but Andrew wrests the knife from Kevin’s hand and slices into it like the secrets of the universe are hidden inside. His biceps bulge as he does so, distracting Neil for some reason, who has to avert his eyes.

Neil declines both cake slices offered to him and Andrew disappears into the kitchen, returning with a bowl of strawberries. He places it in front of Neil without a word and starts shovelling cake into his mouth. Kevin only has a small slice of vanilla and then goes to the kitchen for his own fruit. Matt drops his slice on the floor and has to wrestle it away from Sir.

They migrate to the living room after dinner, sprawling out on the sofa, loveseat and floor. Nicky immediately leans forward and says, “So, Neil…” Then he does a weird hand-flop thing with his wrist. Allison, Dan and Matt chuckle. Nicky looks at Neil expectantly. Was that some kind of sign language?

“Or do you cuff your jeans?” Allison asks.

Neil looks down at his un-cuffed jeans and back up in consternation. What the hell does that have to do with anything?

“Come on,” Nicky says, “at least tell me you’re a little fruity.”

Neil looks helplessly at Andrew, who is wedged in the bean bag, running a hand through Sir’s fur. “They are asking if you’re gay,” he says. “Or bi. Or queer in any way.”

Oh. Neil blinks. “Why does it matter?”

Nicky looks taken aback. “It doesn’t, I guess.”

“Then why ask?”

“So he can know if it’s alright to hit on you,” Allison supplies, nibbling on a Dorito.

“I’d rather you didn’t,” Neil mutters.

Nicky slaps Allison on the arm. “Not true!” He turns back to Neil. “I have a boyfriend. His name’s Erik and he lives in Germany.” He sighs dreamily. “I’m going to marry him so hard.”

At that, Andrew stands and heads for the front door. Neil joins him, not eager to hear Nicky carry on about Erik’s ginormous back.

“So what’s your deal?” Andrew asks suddenly, removing a blue lollipop from his mouth. He’s leaning forward on the railing of the front porch. Neil copies him.

“My deal?”

Andrew tips his head.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

Andrew looks out at the front yard. “You hate sweets, yet you work at a sweet shop. You hate socialising, yet you’re here.” He glances at Neil. “You don’t make sense.”

“Who says I have to make sense?”

Andrew considers him for a few moments before turning away. “You are a pest.”

Neil rolls his eyes. “A pest who supplies you with those.” He nods at Andrew’s lollipop.

Andrew pulls it out of his mouth with a pop. “The store you work at provides me with these,” he says, “not you.”

Neil huffs. “To answer your question: I work at a candy shop because there aren’t many options around for college drop-outs and the pay is good. I’m here because Allison pestered me until I agreed.”

Andrew’s gaze hardens. “Don’t let people make you do things you don’t want to do. That includes attending pointless birthday parties.”

Neil says nothing, wondering if Allison really would have let him stay home. She couldn’t drag him out of his apartment, could she? “Okay,” Neil says.

After a while they go back inside. When they sit down, Nicky separates the presents into two piles and claps his hands together. “It’s time to open presents.”

They begin at the same time. Aaron tears into the gifts aggressively, shredding wrapping paper to bits. Andrew is more methodical, peeling the tape back and unfolding slowly. Neil guesses it’s more to annoy Nicky than out of any courtesy for the wrapping paper.

Aaron unwraps a board game, some gift cards, a thick medical book, some DVDs, handmade gloves, a cookbook and a pastel green hoodie. Andrew unwraps quite a few books, some gift cards, a handmade scarf, a desserts cookbook and a pastel purple hoodie.

When they get to Neil’s gifts, Aaron sputters indignantly.

“What?” Nicky demands, leaning across Allison’s legs for a better view. “What is it?”

Katelyn cackles as Aaron holds up the socks Neil gifted him. What was so funny about socks?

“Oh my god,” Allison croons gleefully.

“What?” Neil asks hesitantly.

“They’re pride socks,” Dan says through a wide grin. Matt buries his face in her shoulder, shaking with laughter. Even Kevin is smiling, shaking his head a little. Renee hides a smile behind her hand.

“Huh?” Neil leans closer and sure enough, there are small green frogs all over the socks, all waving little rainbow pride flags.

“I didn’t notice,” Neil admits, feeling a little embarrassed. He glances at Andrew just in time to catch sight of a small smirk before it’s wiped away.

Aaron scowls at Katelyn as she tugs them on his feet, over the socks he’s already wearing. Renee snaps a quick picture of him.

Neil turns back to Andrew and sees that he’s unwrapped his candle and is now sniffing it appreciatively. He holds it in front of Sir’s nose so she can sniff too, which she does. This must be a good sign because Andrew nods and sets the candle down beside the bean bag. Neil turns away before he could be caught staring, feeling oddly pleased with himself despite the sock mishap. At least one twin appreciated his gift.

-

“Come to dinner with me.”

“Huh?” Neil looks up from the candy he’s scanning. Andrew regards him impassively, waiting for an answer to a question Neil is having trouble processing.

“Dinner? With you? Now?”

“Not now,” Andrew says derisively. “Tomorrow evening.”

“Oh.”

“You can say no.”

“I know.”

Neil doesn’t know why he’s hesitating. For some reason, he doesn’t mind Andrew’s company. He’s quiet and direct and secretly funny. And Nicky told Neil that Andrew had already burned through half of his candle in just a week.

“Yes,” Neil says.

Andrew nods and holds out his hand. Neil stares at it. Was Andrew expecting Neil to hold his hand?

“Phone.”

Oh. Neil tugs his phone out of his back pocket and watches as Andrew enters his phone number and sends himself a message - a knife emoji. He slides it back across the counter. Neil pockets it and finishes scanning. Andrew swipes the goodies into his bag and departs without another word.

-

“You’re going on a date?” Matt asks in disbelief.

“No?” Neil’s eyebrows furrow. “You and I have gone out for dinner before.”

“With Dan,” Matt points out. “Three of us. That’s friends hanging out.”

“No, I agree with Neil here,” Dan says. She’s wiping down the counter as Matt and Neil organise the shelves at the end of the day. “Dinner with two people can be a friends thing.”

“Maybe,” Matt concedes. “But this is Andrew. He doesn’t have friends.”

“Probably because all of the people he hangs out with are assholes,” Neil says testily.

Matt chuckles. “Sorry, that was harsh, but you get what I mean.”

“I don’t,” Neil says.

“Well, whether it’s a date or not, we hope you have fun,” Dan says.

Matt nods. “Just remember to practice safe sex, if you should find yourself in that sort of situation.”

Neil rolls his eyes. He’s told them many, many times that he has no interest in dating and even less interest in sex, but somehow it always comes up. Neil wonders if spraying his friends in the face with water would be an efficient method of getting them to stop, like how some owners do to their cats. He makes a mental note to look up spray bottles and water guns later.

-

Andrew
What is your address

Neil
13 Sycamore, across from the pond

Andrew
I will pick you up at 6

Neil
ok
where are we going

Andrew
Italian restaurant, fifteen minutes away

Neil
ok
see you tonight

In a moment of weakness, Neil googles, how to dress nice, and, unsurprisingly, the results are useless - he doesn’t have anything in his closet that remotely resembles what the internet is telling him to wear. He sticks to his gut and pulls on dark jeans and a dark blue button-up. For shoes he chooses a pair of classic Vans Allison had gifted him. He doesn’t bother trying to style his hair since he has no products and no idea how to do it.

At the knock on his door, Neil pulls on a bomber jacket Matt had foisted on him yesterday and goes to greet Andrew, who is clad in tight, black jeans that accentuate his plushy thighs, a soft-looking black sweater, a leather jacket that hugs his massive biceps, and black boots. His hair looks artfully tousled and is illuminated gold in the hallway fluorescents. He looks impossibly ethereal. But then, maybe everyone looks good in shitty apartment hallway fluorescents - what does Neil know.

“Ready?” Andrew asks.

Neil nods and locks his door behind him. Andrew leads him down the stairs and out of the building to his black sports car. Neil clambers into the passenger seat, smacking his knee against the centre console. Andrew slides him a look before knocking the car into gear and tearing away from the curb. Never before in Neil’s twenty two years of living has Neil felt so close to death than when Andrew pulls out into traffic on the main road. Except perhaps when he was being chased by the mob. He makes an aborted reach for the safety handle, which Andrew must notice because he slows down considerably, now only slightly above the speed limit. Still, when they reach the restaurant, Neil stumbles out of the car on shaky legs. Andrew watches him take a few steps, an amused tilt to his lips, before stepping forward to walk beside him through the doors.

They’re led to a small booth in the back corner. Andrew orders a whiskey, Neil orders apple juice, feeling like a child but not quite caring enough to order anything different.

They browse the menu for a while until Neil has to ask, “Is this a date?”

Andrew glances up and closes his menu. Neil does the same.

“Do you want it to be a date?”

“Um.” Neil shrugs. “I dunno. I’ve never been on a date before.”

“Me neither.”

Huh. That surprises Neil for some reason. Who wouldn’t want to date Andrew? Oh.

“Can it be a date?”

“Yes.”

“I have-” Neil twists his lips as he thinks of how to word what he wants to say. The waitress returns before he can organise his thoughts. Andrew orders a calzone and Neil orders linguine. When the waitress leaves, Andrew turns his attention back to Neil.

“I’m not…” Neil absently recalls his mother smacking him on the back of the head, telling him to just use his words. He shakes his head and says, “I’m not interested in sex.”

To his credit, Andrew doesn’t outwardly react, just waits for Neil to continue.

“I just want to tell you now so you’re not disappointed later.”

Andrew nods and takes a small sip from his glass. “I am not disappointed,” he says. He thinks for a moment and then adds, “We can discuss this more later, if you’re still interested after tonight.”

Neil nods, relieved and somewhat flustered.

Their food arrives and they eat in companionable silence, broken by casual debates over the existence of extraterrestrial life and the best brands of cereal. Andrew orders a brownie and ice cream for dessert. Neil admits he feels weird not ordering and having to watch Andrew eat, and Andrew tells him to shut up. When they’re ready to leave Andrew tries to cover the entire bill, but Neil insists they split it.

Neil feels much safer on the drive home, sated from his pasta, Andrew driving at a reasonable speed.

Andrew walks Neil to his door. Neil isn’t sure if he’s supposed to kiss him, but doesn’t want to if that’s not what Andrew wants, so he just stands there. Andrew brings his hand up and hovers it by Neil’s cheek.

“Can I touch your face?”

Neil nods.

Andrew draws a finger down the profile of Neil’s face, ending at the corner of his lip.

“I had a good time tonight,” Neil says quietly.

Andrew nods and removes his hand. “Good night, Neil,” he says.

“Good night.”

Neil watches Andrew walk down the hallway before entering his apartment. He falls face-first onto his sofa and can’t help but grin into the fabric.

-

Neil is half-asleep behind the counter at Sweet Stuff a few days later when his phone vibrates.

Andrew
Are you busy tonight

Neil
no

Andrew
Come to my house, if you want

Neil
ok

Andrew
I’ll pick you up at 6

Neil
ok :)

“Who are you texting?” Allison asks from where she’s stocking shelves.

“Your mom,” Neil says.

Allison narrows her eyes. “Who taught you that?”

Neil shrugs. “Nicky.”

“Of course he did.” She sweeps her hair out of her face. “But seriously. You don’t even text us, your coworkers, your closest friends.”

Neil shrugs.

Allison glares. “I’ll find out sooner or later.”

“Sure.”

Neil doesn’t care. He’s hanging out with Andrew tonight.

Neil refrains from googling what to wear to hang out with a friend who might be more than a friend and settles on ripped jeans, a t-shirt, a dark gray hoodie and his Converse. Andrew shows up in black jeans, a long-sleeved black shirt and his boots. His hair is tousled, but not artfully, more like he’s been running his hair through it.

The drive is pleasantly uneventful.

“Nicky and Aaron are out,” Andrew says as they enter his house. It looks the same as it did at the birthday party, just quieter.

“Anything to drink?” Andrew asks, pulling the hot chocolate powder down from a cabinet.

“Just water.”

Andrew hands Neil a glass and he fills it up in the sink, sipping as Andrew waits for his water to boil in the kettle. When he’s done, Andrew leads Neil to the sofa and they settle on opposite ends.

“Continue what you were saying at the restaurant,” Andrew says. It comes out sounding more like a suggestion than an order.

Neil sets his glass down on the coffee table and draws his knees up to his chest. “I’ve never wanted to have sex,” he states plainly. “I’m just not interested. I don’t really get it.”

“You don’t get sex?”

Neil waves his hand. “Kind of. I get the mechanics of it, but not the desire. I don’t have a problem with other people having and enjoying sex, I just don’t want it for myself.”

Andrew looks thoughtful as he takes a few sips of hot chocolate. “I would not want you to do anything you do not want to do,” he says. “You say no and it’s a no. Same for me.”

“But… do you like having sex?”

Andrew shakes his head. “That does not matter. You don’t want it, so we won’t have it.”

Andrew says it likes it that easy. Like Neil’s not weird for not wanting it. Maybe it can be that easy.

“Okay,” Neil says. “Thank you.”

“Do not thank me for respecting your boundaries.”

“Okay.”

They sit in silence. Andrew finishes his hot chocolate.

“I’d be okay with kissing,” Neil says.

Andrew considers him. His eyelashes are long and pale and Neil wants to feel them under his lips for some reason.

“I do not like being touched,” Andrew says. “Ask before doing anything. I will do the same for you.”

Neil nods and says, “Okay.”

After a few more seconds, Andrew scoots closer to Neil and leans forward, examining his face.

“Can I kiss you?” Neil whispers.

“Yes.”

Neil closes the gap, brushing their lips together lightly, then pressing more firmly. Andrew’s mouth parts and Neil happily follows his lead. It feels good. It’s soft and new and the sensation trickles through Neil’s body like honey. He hums softly against Andrew’s lips, and Andrew retaliates by nipping gently at Neil’s bottom lip before pulling away. Neil’s breathless despite the fact that he’s been sitting down for the last ten minutes. Andrew looks pleased.

“I liked that,” Neil says.

Andrew rolls his eyes and uses his finger to push Neil’s face away.

They spend the rest of the evening lounging and kissing and snacking - Neil on fruit and Andrew on fruit snacks. They turn on the TV and watch a few episodes of House Hunters. Then they watch Shrek 2 because it’s on. Around ten, Andrew drives Neil home, walks him to his door, and presses a lingering kiss to his cheek. Neil falls face-first onto his sofa and grins.

-

Neil finds himself at family dinner. Nicky is making some sort of soup in the kitchen, humming to himself and swaying as he chops vegetables. Aaron and Katelyn are playing Connect Four at the kitchen table. Andrew and Neil are on opposite ends of the sofa watching Flushed Away, Sir draped across their tangled feet. It’s nice. Neil looks at Andrew; his cheek is squished against the arm of the sofa and his shirt is tight around his biceps and stomach. His hand is extended, languidly playing with Sir’s tail.

It’s very peaceful until it isn’t.

They sit at the table - Nicky, Aaron and Katelyn across from Andrew and Neil. Andrew is helping himself to a second bowl when Nicky says, “Andrew, come on.”

Andrew, who usually ignores Nicky’s comments, sets his spoon down and stares at Nicky. “Problem?”

Nicky glances nervously at Aaron, who is slowly eating a bread roll and offering no support. Katelyn shifts uncomfortably in her chair.

“Uh, yeah,” Nicky says. “I’ve been trying to get you to eat healthier, you know? I just want to make sure you’re staying healthy.”

Andrew points to the pot of soup. “This is healthy. Look, there’s a vegetable.” He pokes a piece of carrot.

Nicky sighs. “It’s not just that. It’s also about how much you’re eating…”

One of Andrew’s eyebrows quirks up. “And?”

Nicky huffs and waves an arm around. “Jesus, you want me to say it? You’re eating too much, Andrew. You’re gaining weight and I’m worried about you.”

Andrew’s shoulders tense, almost imperceptibly, and he crosses his arms over his chest.

“What’s the big deal?”

Neil realises after a moment that he’s the one who spoke. Everyone turns to look at him, so he presses on.

“Who cares how much he’s eating? Weight gain isn’t directly proportional to bad health. As far as I can tell, Andrew eats plenty of healthy food. He works out. Sure, he eats sweets and desserts too, but so what?”

Nicky’s jaw drops open, as if on a hinge. Aaron and Katelyn look equally stunned. Andrew’s expression is inscrutable.

“I-”

“And anyway,” Neil interrupts, “what makes you think you have any right to control what Andrew does or doesn’t eat? It’s his body, his choices. Just because you’re his cousin and quasi-parental figure doesn’t mean you have any power over him.”

In the uncomfortable silence that follows, Neil mutters a quiet apology to Andrew and exits the house. Unsure if he’ll be allowed back in, he takes his coat and starts down the front porch steps, only to be halted by a hand tugging on his sleeve.

Andrew is standing there, scowling. “I do not need you to fight my battles.”

“Sorry,” Neil says, suddenly feeling exhausted.

“Shut up.”

Andrew still has a hold of his coat, clutching it tightly. He stands there for a few moments, then loosens his hold, but doesn’t let go completely.

“It bothers me,” he grounds out eventually.

“Nicky’s comments?” Neil guesses.

Andrew shakes his head. Then nods. “That and… my weight.”

Neil turns to fully face him and asks, “Can I touch you?”

Andrew nods.

Neil brings his hand up to Andrew’s cheek and drags a finger down to his jawline. “I know you don’t care for compliments, but I think that you’re very handsome. Your weight doesn’t matter - it doesn’t affect how I feel about you.”

Andrew’s jaw works under Neil’s finger. He takes Neil’s wrist and brings it down between them. “Shut up,” he mutters.

“When we’re alone,” Neil murmurs, “can we try something?”

Andrew looks up at him and cocks his head to the side.

“I want to lay with my head on your stomach.”

Andrew stiffens, grip tightening on Neil’s hand.

“I’ll make you breakfast,” Neil adds.

“I will think about it.”

“Okay. Can I kiss you?”

“Yes.”

Neil brushes his lips over Andrew’s forehead, then his nose, then each of his cheeks, then finally closes them gently over his mouth. Andrew sinks into it with ease, running his tongue along Neil’s, gripping the front of his coat. They break apart after a few seconds and press their foreheads together.

“I’m never going to be allowed back into your house,” Neil realises.

Andrew huffs. “I have a window you can climb through.”

Neil snorts.

-

The next evening, Nicky and Aaron are out shopping with Katelyn and Kevin, so Neil doesn’t have to climb in through Andrew’s window.

Andrew pulls Neil by the wrist to his bedroom, locks the door, checks the lock twice, and sits on the bed. After a moment he scoots back and leans on the pillows. Neil steps forward until his knees knock against the bed.

“Can I put my head on your stomach?” he asks.

Andrew clenches his jaw. Then takes a few deep breaths, relaxing into the mattress. “Yes. Don’t touch me anywhere else.”

Neil crawls forward and arranges himself so his head is resting gently on Andrew’s soft stomach, his body at an awkward angle that puts his feet dangling off the side of the bed. This would be more comfortable on the sofa, but Neil understands Andrew’s need for it to happen behind more than one locked door.

“Is this okay?”

Andrew nods.

They lay in silence.

After a few minutes, Andrew says, “Can I put my hand in your hair?”

Neil nods.

Andrew’s hand is firm, but gentle as it slides through Neil’s curls, from his forehead to the back of his neck and back again. Before he knows it, his eyes are drooping. But before he can fall asleep, Andrew taps his shoulder. Neil sits up and turns so that he’s facing Andrew, who sits up as well. Andrew stares at his socked feet, and then at Neil.

“Was that okay?” Neil asks.

Andrew nods, leaning forward. At Neil’s quiet yes, he runs his lips across Neil’s eyelids. “Thank you,” he whispers.

-

“Are you good with your hands?”

Andrew quirks a brow.

“Not like that.” Neil rolls his eyes. “My dishwasher is broken.”

Andrew pads into the kitchen to examine the offending appliance. “I am good with my hands,” he says, “but I am not a handyman.”

Neil sighs and retrieves the dishwasher leakage rag. Andrew watches as Neil crouches down to mop up the puddle.

“I better not wake up submerged in dirty dishwater,” Andrew says darkly.

Neil’s head snaps up. “You want to spend the night?”

Andrew glares down at him like he’s stupid. “I believe I was promised breakfast. Plus, I’m already wearing pajamas.” He gestures at himself, but he’s just wearing his usual casual attire - black shirt and black sweatpants, which apparently double as his sleep clothes. “Is that okay?” he asks.

Neil stands up straight and drops the rag in the sink, turning to face Andrew. “Of course.” His body hums with quiet excitement. He slowly reaches for him, but Andrew steps back and pointedly glares at Neil’s wet hands.

“Put your dirty dishwater hands on me and I will stab you.”

Neil laughs and tucks his hands behind his back. “Can I have a kiss?”

Andrew steps forward and chastely pecks Neil on the lips. “Wash your hands you heathen,” he mutters against his mouth.

They brush their teeth, floss, and rinse with mouthwash side by side with relative ease. The only casualty is Andrew’s pinky finger, which Neil accidentally spits toothpaste on. They take turns peeing and find themselves standing in front of Neil’s bed. It’s a double, fitted with gray sheets and a thick, gray blanket. His stuffed cat, which Matt bought for him, is nestled between his pillows.

“Which side do you sleep on?” Andrew asks.

“Uh, the middle.” Neil pulls the covers back and gestures for Andrew to get in first, which he does, clambering over to the wall. He presses his back against it and pulls the covers up to his chin. Neil grins and climbs in, mirroring Andrew’s position.

“Is this when we kiss and stuff?” Neil whispers.

Andrew huffs. “And stuff,” he mimics. After a pause, he says, “Kissing, yes or no?”

Neil scoots forward so their noses are pressed together. “Yes. Can I touch you?”

Andrew shakes his head, which Neil expects - Andrew’s sleeping in an unfamiliar apartment, in an unfamiliar bed. Neil accepts this easily and tucks his hands up against his own chest. Andrew watches him and then wastes no time closing the gap between them.

Kissing Andrew is Neil’s new favourite hobby. He’s never wanted to kiss anyone before, but he doesn’t care enough right now to think too hard about it. Instead he focuses on how pretty Andrew is, with his golden-brown eyes flecked with green, his strong jaw, his soft stomach and fleshy thighs. He focuses on how soft Andrew’s lips are, how his tongue feels against Neil’s, how he brushes the soft hairs behind Neil’s ear tentatively with a finger as he attends to Neil’s lips with single-minded determination.

Neil’s mind is derailed suddenly when he feels an unfamiliar stirring below his stomach. He pulls back from Andrew slightly, who leans back to give Neil space, watching him silently. Neil tries to ignore it, but his breathing picks up and he scoots back to the very edge of the bed.

“Neil?” Andrew is sitting up now, carefully watching.

Neil takes a few deep breaths and shakes his head. “I’m fine.”

“Don’t give me that,” Andrew says. “What happened?”

Neil shakes his head again, suddenly embarrassed and still fighting a wave of panic, and a bit of frustration. “I’m sorry,” he croaks, unable to look Andrew in the eye. “I got-” He shakes his head again. “I don’t usually, but I’m…” He gestures inelegantly to his crotch, hidden under the covers.

Andrew glances down briefly, and then back up at Neil’s face. “You’re hard.”

“Not quite,” Neil says. “But yeah.”

“We don’t have to do anything just because you’re aroused,” Andrew says, always calm, always understanding. “Arousal isn’t consent.”

Neil nods, slowly. Arousal isn’t consent. It makes sense. It’s his body, not him. His breathing returns to normal and he sags into the pillow. “I’m sorry,” he says miserably.

“Shut up,” Andrew says, laying down to face Neil.

“I like kissing you,” Neil says quietly. “I want to keep kissing you, as long as you still want it.”

“Me too,” Andrew says, just as quiet.

“I’m… sexually attracted to you.” His voice is no more than a whisper.

“Okay.”

“Only you.”

“Okay.”

“But I’m not ready… I don’t want to do anything sexual with you. Just kissing. Is that okay?”

Andrew reaches forward and places his hand firmly on Neil’s chin. “I have told you before and I will tell you as many times as you need to hear it - we will not do anything you do not want to do, and we will not do anything I do not want to do.” Andrew’s tone leaves no room for doubt. “You can and should ask if you ever want to do anything more, and I will think about it, but if you never want to do anything more, then we won’t ever do anything more. Do you understand?”

Neil nods. “I understand.”

“Good.”

They fall asleep a while later, side-by-side, the cat plushie filling the gap between them.

-

Kevin, of all people, wanders into Sweet Stuff a few days later.

“You lost, Kev?” Dan teases. She and Matt are playing Uno on the edge of the counter.

Kevin frowns. “No. I’m here for Neil.”

“Why?” Neil asks. He sets his phone down - he’d been watching instructional YouTube videos on how to make the best fruit smoothies.

Business is slow today.

Kevin walks up to the counter. “Will you come to the mall with me after your shift?”

Neil scrunches his nose. He hates shopping. “Why?”

“I want to buy a gift for Andrew.”

“Like a Christmas present?”

Kevin shakes his head. “I want to apologise to him for the comments I’ve made about his diet. It wasn’t right of me.”

Neil scoffs. “You’re going to bribe your way to forgiveness?”

Kevin frowns. “No. I wrote him a letter, too.” He holds up a folded piece of paper. “But I also want to get him a gift. Will you help me pick it out?”

“That’s nice of you,” Matt says with a small smile.

“Nicky told us what happened,” Dan says. “He realised he messed up and wants to apologize, but Andrew’s avoiding him.”

Neil fiddles with his phone. “You all messed up,” he said. “None of you ever said anything.”

Dan and Matt have the decency to look guilty.

“Sorry, bro,” Matt says. “I didn’t think it was my business.”

Neil shrugs. “Whatever.”

Kevin is still staring at Neil, waiting for an answer.

“I’ll come with you,” Neil says.

The mall is a fifteen minute drive away, but it takes Neil and Kevin thirty due to the absolutely glacial pace Kevin is driving at. They’re in his silver Prius, being passed by joggers. Kevin checks his mirrors so much Neil fears he’s not spending enough time looking at the road ahead of them.

He’s the antithesis of Andrew.

“The speed limit is sixty,” Neil feels the need to point out.

Kevin grunts. “I know.”

When they finally pull into the shopping mall parking lot, Kevin shuts off the car and sags back into his seat. “My mom died in a car crash,” he says quietly.

Neil understands, and nods.

Neil talks Kevin out of buying Andrew a blender (Neil takes that for himself). And a lamp. And a dishware set. Kevin ends up settling on a book on conspiracy theories and a t-shirt with a cat holding a knife between its teeth on the front.

As he pulls up to Neil’s apartment building, Kevin says, “Thank you for coming with me today.”

Neil shrugs. “It was nothing. We’re… friends.” The word feels good in his mouth.

Kevin’s cheeks tinge pink. He gets out of the car and before Neil can do the same, Kevin is opening his door.

“Um. Thanks.” Neil steps out and is immediately pressed against Kevin’s chest, his face squished between his pecs.

“Is this okay?” Kevin asks.

Neil huffs out a laugh and says, “Yeah, Kev. It’s okay.”

-

Neil is back in Andrew’s bed - one of his favourite places. Nicky and Aaron are out. The doors are locked. The house is quiet. Neil and Andrew just split a quiche. It’s peaceful.

They’re sprawled out side-by-side, only their faces and upper bodies touching. Andrew’s hands are hard at work making Neil’s hair look like a bird’s nest and one of Neil’s hands is resting on Andrew’s bicep.

Neil has discovered the wonderful world of moaning. It’s not particularly loud or frequent, but it’s enough for Andrew to attack Neil’s lips with extra gusto, which Neil isn’t complaining about. Neil feels himself getting hard again, but pushes it out of his mind with considerably more success than last time. He wonders how Andrew seems so collected and contained all of the time.

His question is answered when Andrew has to pull away and take a moment to breathe and stare at Neil. Neil stares right back, running appreciative eyes over Andrew’s exposed upper half. He’d removed his shirt after a full minute of deliberation, leaving on his armbands. Neil had elected to keep his shirt on.

“Can I kiss you?”

Andrew stares at him. “What do you think we’ve been doing for the last twenty minutes?”

“Can I kiss your biceps and stomach?” Neil clarifies.

Andrew stills. “Why?”

“Because I want to make you feel good,” Neil says. “If you want.”

Andrew considers him.

“I like your arms,” Neil adds. “And your tummy.” Tummy? Belly? Stomach? Whatever.

Andrew’s ears flare pink and he averts his eyes. “Shut up.” And then, “Yes.”

He lays flat on his back, slightly propped up by the pillows. Neil scoots closer, not wanting to make Andrew feel held down or trapped. He hovers over Andrew’s left bicep - the one closest to Neil, and asks, “Yes or no?”

“Yes.”

Neil brushes his lips over the skin just below Andrew’s shoulder, drawing a shiver out of him. He travels down slowly, carefully, tracing lines down to the crook of his elbow, freckle to freckle. He watches Andrew’s face - the twitch of his cheek, his slow blinks, eyes trained on the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Andrew admitted to sticking them up there his first night living with Nicky and Aaron, to remind him where he is when he wakes up. Neil ghosts his mouth across Andrew’s collarbone to attend to his other bicep, not breaching the invisible boundary at his elbows. He repeats. Drawing lines. Freckle to freckle.

Then, “Stomach, yes or no?”

Andrew swallows. Stares at the stars. “Yes.”

Andrew’s stomach is a wonder, much like the rest of him. Pudgy. Chubby. Soft. But still firm. Neil indulges. He breathes silent sighs into the flesh, nosing down to his belly button and back up to just under his pecs, his fair hair stirring slightly with Neil’s exhales.

Andrew lays very still, breathing steadily, but Neil is close enough to hear his heart. It’s beating at a rabbit’s pace.

“You okay?” Neil asks.

Andrew swallows. Nods. Says, “Yes.”

“Want me to stop?”

“Yes.”

Neil slides away, laying down beside Andrew, who is still on his back, his breathing steadily returning to normal.

They fall asleep like that, pinkies linked loosely between them.

-

The sun is setting when they wake up. Neil takes one look at Andrew’s sleep-mussed hair and huffs out a laugh.

“It looks like your hair exploded,” he says.

Andrew scowls, shoving him out of the bed. “You’re one to talk. You look like you were electrocuted.”

Neil smirks.

They stumble downstairs together, Neil momentarily forgetting that Andrew doesn’t live alone.

“Oh. My. God.”

Andrew and Neil freeze at the bottom of the stairs.

Nicky and Aaron gape at them from the sofa, video game paused, controllers in hand.

Nicky drops his remote and squawks in disbelief. “You two are boning?” he practically shouts.

Aaron gags.

“No,” Andrew says simply, shuffling into the kitchen.

“You are!” Nicky insists. “You’re fucking!”

Aaron slaps Nicky’s shoulder. “Shut up.”

“Look at them!” Nicky says, as if Andrew and Neil have signs taped to their heads that say, we’re fucking.

“We’re not fucking,” Neil says, trailing after Andrew. “We took a nap.”

Nicky looks as if he doesn’t believe them, but wisely keeps his mouth shut. He does follow them into the kitchen, though, rubbing his arms nervously.

“Andrew?”

Andrew grunts, not looking up from his bowl of Froot Loops.

“I’m really sorry.”

Neil hangs back a bit, giving them some semblance of privacy. Though, that’s pretty impossible thanks to the open floor plan. Aaron is clearly listening from the sofa.

Andrew doesn’t say anything.

“Kevin talked to me,” Nicky continues. “He and Neil are right. I fucked up. I thought I was looking out for you, but I was going about it all wrong. It’s not my business what you eat, or how much you eat. I’m sorry if I hurt you.” He takes a deep, shuddering breath. “I’ll be better. I promise. And I know how much promises mean to you.”

Andrew gazes at his cousin for a few seconds, then nods. “Okay.”

Nicky sags in relief. “Okay.”

Aaron mutters, “Mushy fuckers.”

-

Neil grins up at Andrew as he walks into Sweet Stuff, a black beanie pulled down over his hair. He joins Neil behind the counter, shoving Neil off of his stool and taking his place.

Allison pokes her head out of the back room. “Oh my god.” She walks around to the front of the counter and examines them with critical eyes. “You two are boning.”

Neil rolls his eyes. “No, we’re not.”

“Bullshit.” She turns to Andrew who raises an unimpressed eyebrow.

“You heard him.”

Allison turns to Renee, who is perched on a stool, crocheting a hat. “I’m not saying anything,” she says without looking up.

Allison scoffs. “I’ll text Nicky. He’ll know. He gets me.”

Neil leans against Andrew, who rests his head briefly on Neil’s shoulder.

After closing up the shop, they head to Nicky’s Christmas party. Allison drives Renee and Andrew drives Neil.

Upon arrival, Nicky hugs all of them except Andrew, who glares until Nicky skitters off to find Erik, who flew in for the holidays. Neil has to admit he really does have a ginormous back.

Wymack shows up and wraps Dan and Kevin in a giant hug, then introduces himself to Neil.

They gorge themselves on meat (real and fake) and salad and stuffing and mashed potatoes and vegetables and pie. Again, they end up sprawled around the living room and Nicky separates the presents.

Neil is pleased with his gift choices - most notably, he got Kevin a cookbook that only had smoothie recipes in it (Kevin wraps him in another hug), he got Aaron a pride badge and a book called How To Not Be An Asshole (Aaron scowls), he got Nicky a silver ring with his birthstone on it (Nicky cries into Erik’s shirt), and he got Andrew a large, fluffy black blanket, another candle, and a one hundred dollar Sweet Stuff gift card. Andrew immediately spreads the blanket over his and Neil’s laps (they are squished together on the bean bag) and lets Sir sniff the candle. Sir is proudly wearing the new collar Neil bought for her.

Andrew hands Neil a small, neatly wrapped gift. Neil opens it slowly. It’s a simple black picture frame. The picture must have been taken by Renee, but Neil hadn’t realised anyone else was there. The picture is of Andrew and Neil sitting on Andrew’s front porch, shoulders barely brushing, heads bent towards each other. Andrew’s face is impassive, but relaxed, and Neil is smiling softly. Andrew’s hand is wrapped around Sir’s leash, and they're watching Sir roll around on the concrete walkway. Renee must have been standing at the beginning of the path, about to go into the house when she’d noticed them and taken this picture.

Neil stares at the picture, and then at Andrew. “Thank you,” he breathes.

“Shut up,” Andrew whispers.

Neil leans against Andrew, their hands tangling together under the blanket, and smiles into Andrew’s shoulder. He looks around the room at all of his friends - his family. He doesn’t care what he does with his life, as long as he has these people, he’ll be fine.