Chapter Text
The room was too bright. The sun was shining through the windows and the breeze from the cracked one was too loud. Dust particles on the shelves and tables were picked up and moved around the room by the horrible wind. He followed several of them with his eyes wondering where they would go or if they would just disappear like the rest. Each and everyone of them moved differently but went the same direction clinging to the next object eventually. One by one they all followed each other coaxed by the irritating wind blowing through his ear. He wished the wind would stop and they would all fall never to be seen again, his wish was not granted, the headmaster insisted on keeping his dreadful window open.
“Severus…. Are you even listening to me?” Dumbledore said, breaking apart his thoughts.
“No, Not particularly.”
he really hoped the headmaster would just leave him alone tonight but he was destined to always be bothered. Dumbledore sighed and moved his hands to fold on his desk. The dust was disturbed once again, He wondered why it was always here. Didn’t the old man ever clean this office?
“Don’t you ever clean in here? I feel like I'm going to catch a disease from being here too long.” He said trying to avoid the subject he knew Dumbledore wanted to talk about. “That's ridiculous of course I cle-” The old man paused and sighed looking defeated.
“Severus. I am worried about you.”
Now that was exactly what he expected. An opening to a conversation he didn't ask for and doesn’t want to have. He honestly thinks about just ignoring the headmaster again but thinks about how much faster he could leave by answering.
“You should be. I'm a suicidal potions master. I could just randomly drink bottles and would probably drop dead.”
“This is exactly the thing I'm talking about Severus! You saying things like that all the time is just dreadful. I am constantly thinking about sending you somewhere to keep you from hurting yourself because of how worried I am for your well being.” Dumbledore rubbed his temples and shut his eyes very tight. He could only think about how stupid the headmaster looks acting worried.
“I suppose you could send me somewhere but its not like I couldn’t just kill myself there.” The headmaster looked slightly annoyed at that comment and he felt a little amused.
“You just think you are so funny don't you Severus? Your life is not a joke. With the proper precautions I could make sure you are never able to die until the world deems you ready.”
He was sure the headmaster probably could try to hold him hostage. Maybe it could even work for a few weeks maybe months but Severus isn’t stupid, he could find a way out of it.
“Of course you would have all the proper precautions but all you would think of is the obvious Albus. No strings, ropes, blades, nothing able to puncture, take away my wand because that's an obvious no. But would you think of my nails? Sure you could cut them down but I could still do some damage. What about my teeth? If they became a huge problem you could pull them out but I could always just run against the wall with my head first. The walls could have cushioning charms on them but they can only do so much. Even with all of that taken away I could refuse to eat or drink and then starve to death. So yes you could take away all my freedoms and reasons to see me as a human being but that would only make me want to die more.”
Shock. That's what he was looking at, he wondered if he was being too harsh with his words for a split second but then realized he didn't care. Truthfully he probably wouldn’t do any of the ridiculous things mentioned but maybe having that extra edge could be useful if the headmaster was actually stupid enough to lock him away.
“I have no clue what to do with you. I seriously don't understand you, Severus.” The headmaster was tearing up and he decided not to mention it.
“Then just don't do anything.”
“You know I can’t just do nothing.”
Insufferable as always. Albus was always in his business and would never stop wiggling his way back in. It wasn’t his fault the headmaster was the one who found him in the middle of a complete breakdown. Honestly the man should have just knocked.
“Severus. I did knock. Several times as a matter of fact.”
Proof that he was unwell. A master occlumens couldn't even keep an old wrinkled man out of his head.
“Stay the fuck out of my head.”
“I am just trying to understand Severus! Please help me understand.” The man cried out. He really didn't think the headmaster could truly act this pathetic but he is always being proven wrong. Albus was acting almost as pathetic as him and that was a big step towards insanity.
“I cannot help you Albus if I do not want to help myself. I don't even know what is wrong with me. I wake up and I want to die. I don't eat because I want to die. I try to solve my problem and I can’t even die right. It is only a waiting game to see if I have the courage to end myself.” At the end of his spiel the headmaster almost looks relieved. To him this doesn't seem like a time to be relieved but who knows anymore.
“Thank you Severus for at least telling me something. I know that you are hurting but I promise I will try everything I can to help you.” That seemed like a good place to end this conversation to Severus so he got up and left the awful office.
Hopefully he won't be called back very soon.