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“Stop trying to find happiness. I think those who keep trying to find it are not happy so just define your own happiness and stop trying to find the meaning.”
- Son Youngtaek (Tag), Golden Child
-
The first time San kisses Youngtaek, he’ll try and convince you that it was a mistake. He didn’t mean it. They were both not fully sober and they were both terribly sad and when you’re terribly sad all you want to do is find the fastest way to get rid of it.
San wanted to stuff the gaping hole in his heart and he used Youngtaek’s touch and his lips to do so. Youngtaek’s plush lips against his, devouring them and his pain for a singular night.
That morning his phone is filled with questions from the people that saw them on what this meant. Did San finally give up on Wooyoung? Is Youngtaek his new boyfriend? San just groans and tosses his phone on the pillow beside him.
-
It’s not supposed to happen twice.
San is significantly less drunk this time and yet his lips still meet Youngtaek’s in a heavy kiss. Youngtaek sucks his lower lip between his own and San grabs onto Youngtaek’s waist and holds on. San’s the one that’s pressing them up against this brick wall but Youngtaek is the one cupping his jaw so tenderly, grounding him.
He thinks that Youngtaek’s wearing the the cologne that San got him for his birthday.
That’s fine. It’s all fine.
-
San likes Wooyoung a lot. What’s not to like? Wooyoung’s outgoing, bright, smiley, and hot as hell. Sometimes San thinks that Wooyoung likes him back with the way that he grabs onto his hand when he gets excited, the way their eyes meet under the smoke and dim lighting of the club that all their friends go to. Yeosang looks at them both with mirth in his eyes and just raises his glass to both of them as Wooyoung tugs them onto the dance floor.
Wooyoung’s laughter bubbles up on the floor as he exclaims for the fifth time that this was his absolute favourite song and they had to stay to dance just a few minutes longer. San is weak. San always agrees with what Wooyoung wants.
-
When they first met, Youngtaek was smoking a cigarette. Wooyoung batted it out of his hand before introducing Youngtaek to San. They went to high school together and although they haven’t known each other as long as Yeosang’s known Wooyoung, he’s another important person to Wooyoung.
Youngtaek raises his hand in a casual hello. A grin spreads on his lips and San mirrors it.
Wooyoung scolds Youngtaek about smoking all the way to the diner that they were going to have dinner at. When Wooyoung gets distracted by a call from Yeosang, chiding him that they were late and Yeosang was waiting with Seonghwa - Youngtaek looks at Wooyoung so fondly that San wonders if that’s how he looks like when he looks at Wooyoung.
-
“You like him a lot, don’t you?” Yeosang states plainly.
San looks over to Yeosang. Seonghwa’s getting them both refills and they’re the only ones at the table. Wooyoung’s bumped into a group of his friends from high school dance group - including Youngtaek - and there’s no one to save San from Yeosang’s all knowing gaze.
“Yeah.”
Yeosang plays with the straw in the glass of his empty cup. “You gonna confess?”
San considers it, “Not when I’ve been drinking.”
Seonghwa returns with their drinks. That’s the thing, isn’t it? They’re always drinking when they’re together.
-
“It’s not healthy, you know?” Yeosang hums to San. They’re at some brunch place. San’s head pounds.
“What?”
Yeosang studies him for a moment, “Whatever you and Youngtaek are doing.”
San knows he can’t hide anything from Yeosang. He still doesn’t really wanna talk about it though.
A moment of silence passes, San sips from his shitty mimosa. Yeosang sighs softly.
“Think about it.”
San meets Yeosang’s eyes. “About what?”
“Are you happy like this?”
-
They’re at the club again. Wooyoung’s whisked off by his new boyfriend and San wonders if Youngtaek’s here tonight. Yeosang and Seonghwa aren’t here yet, still taking the cab to their destination and San doesn’t wanna play third wheel.
He can see the way that Wooyoung’s boyfriend looks at him that he resents that Wooyoung’s still friends with him. San resents that Wooyoung’s boyfriend exists in the first place honestly. It’s suffocating because Wooyoung doesn’t know. He doesn’t know that his boyfriend hates San (and hates Youngtaek too). Wooyoung doesn’t know and if he did, he still wouldn’t know the reason behind it all. He’d figure it out though, eventually. San’s not sure if he wants that right now.
To answer Yeosang’s question, he wouldn’t be happy if Wooyoung found out about his feelings because of Wooyoung’s jealous boyfriend.
He wants out, he doesn’t want to be here right now.
-
Youngtaek’s smoking at the back of the building when San stumbles out. The music was loud and he needed a break. He’s known Youngtaek for a while now. Knows about Wooyoung’s project to get Youngtaek to stop smoking completely. Apparently Youngtaek only does it when he’s stressed. Youngtaek seems stressed a lot these days.
“Do you like smoking?” The question falls out of San’s lips faster than he can shut his brain up.
Youngtaek looks at the butt of his cigarette carefully before stubbing it out. “Not particularly. I picked it up from a senior.”
He tosses it into the nearby ashtray. “Wooyoung hates it. He hated that senior too. He was my first everything, and he left me without a word for someone else.”
San settles beside him, leaning against the wall. “He cares a lot about you.”
“Not in the way that we want him to though.”
A pause. San chuckles. “I guess not.”
He can feel Youngtaek shift beside him. His words seem to echo in San’s mind as they leave his lips. “I don’t hate you or anything, if you’re wondering. I’ve liked Wooyoung for so long and haven’t confessed. I don’t really have a leg to stand on, yeah?”
San closes his eyes. “I don’t hate you either.”
-
Youngtaek appears and is grinning at Wooyoung and his new boyfriend. For some reason, the pain behind Youngtaek’s eyes is apparent to only San. He’s laughing boisterously and it’s such a far cry from the Youngtaek that San’s come to know behind the club. There is a cigarette between Youngtaek’s fingers but San pulls it out of his hands and stubs it out. Pack of smokes that San threw into the trash for Youngtaek.
“Lemme leave you lovebirds alone. San, there’s an old friend I wanna introduce to you. You wanna come with?”
Wooyoung’s head tilts curiously, “Who is it?”
Youngtaek just shrugs, “One of our old seniors from high school.”
Fuck.
-
After throwing Wooyoung into a taxi with Seonghwa and Yeosang to bring home, San made it his mission to get Youngtaek home. They lived opposite ways after all, it was more convenient for San to do it after all.
Youngtaek is laughing into his ear as San signals another cab.
“I’m so sad, Sannie!”
“It’ll be alright, Youngtaek.”
Where the hell are all the taxis at this hour?
“Wooyoung’s about to date someone else, Sannie. And I still couldn’t get the courage to confess!”
San’s heart clenches, he squeezes Youngtaek’s waist gently. He’s in the same boat. Another person’s waltzing into Wooyoung’s life and his lips still won’t move to form the words that linger at the back of his throat.
“Fuck this! I don’t need that sort of happiness!”
San looks over at Youngtaek, gaze torn away from the street to find empty taxis. Youngtaek’s eyes shine under the purple light that illuminates the club’s sign. The same club they’ve been going to, the same one that they revisit over and over again.
“All my friends tell me I’d be happier. I’d feel better if I would just confess! But no! I won’t! I’ll find my own way to be happier!”
Youngtaek cups San’s cheeks gently as he continues, “I’ll define my own happiness for once! I’ll make my own happiness! I don’t need what others tell me is right! I don’t need it!”
-
Wooyoung’s eyes are dark and San knows why. This is that person. This is the person that got Youngtaek to start smoking. The one that left without a trace. San grabs onto Youngtaek’s arm and intercepts before Wooyoung can say a word.
“I’ll come along! Wooyoung, why don’t you two just go get some drinks? Have some of your lovebird time?”
The boyfriend immediately agrees and San knows Wooyoung will bend to his will easily. They both are whisked away by the crowd and the bodies.
Youngtaek’s skin is bathed in purple from the lights overhead. San notices it as they make their way through the crowd and towards the bar. The guy sitting there makes San’s skin crawl.
-
“You moved on after me, Son?” The use of Youngtaek’s last name makes San’s fist clench.
San presses further into Youngtaek’s side. What the fuck is happening to him?
Youngtaek’s response is lost into the crowd, the only thing that San can recognize is that there’s a feeling there that he never noticed had taken root and grown. San’s been too stuck in his head. Too stuck in his head about Wooyoung, about what others thought about San and Youngtaek. All the gossip they must have had. The bets they must have set on who would end up with Wooyoung. Who would confess first? Who was going to be left heartbroken?
It doesn’t matter. It all doesn’t fucking matter.
He’s having such an important realization and what it took was Youngtaek’s shitty ex showing up at the club.
“Do you wanna get a smoke, Son?” The shitty ex asks.
San looks over to his side and sees the moment where Youngtaek’s facade starts to break. He was trying so hard to let him know that he was over it but god, the smoking. The smoking that has always followed Youngtaek around like an itch that he could never get rid of. The lingering reminder for Youngtaek about how much he was infatuated with this piece of shit. San is tired of it. He’s tired for Youngtaek, for the burden he’s been shouldering. For the happiness that he was seeking but couldn’t quite reach.
He wants Youngtaek to put down those burdens and carry something better. The happiness that he was trying to make with his own hands even when he thought he couldn't. He wants Youngtaek to stand and hold that instead.
He doesn’t want to make the same stupid mistakes.
“He doesn’t smoke anymore.” San says, chin lifted. His arm snakes around Youngtaek’s waist.
The shitty ex sneers, “You always liked to smoke with me.”
Youngtaek leans into San a bit, “I’m different now.”
San feels a weight lifted off of Youngtaek’s shoulders.
-
They kiss in the back after that. They throw the new pack of smokes that Youngtaek had bought before coming to the club away and they kiss. This kiss feels different. It feels like a victory.
-
“I don’t think Youngtaek is happy.” Wooyoung slurs out.
San turns his head and squints, trying to focus his vision onto the blurry figure that should be Wooyoung.
“Why do you think that?” San replies.
“It’s the way he smiles. He used to laugh with his gums out and everything before he met that shithead. Used to say he’d look better if he didn’t laugh like that.” Wooyoung pouts, San thinks.
San reaches out to pat the blob that should be Wooyoung.
“He used to laugh at the silliest things… he doesn’t do that anymore. His smile is so tiny now.”
-
San grabs onto Youngtaek’s hands.
“Are you happy?”
“Yes, with you I am.” Youngtaek replies. There is no hesitation.
“Then fuck everything else. All the others. Fuck them all. We don’t need meaning, we don’t need deeper meaning to this. You were the one who said it first. To define our own happiness instead of finding the meaning of it. Let’s define happiness between us and screw everything else surrounding it.”
San thinks he sounds insane. He’s grabbing onto the hands of a man that was once some sort of rival in love and basically telling him that he finds happiness in him.
When did this happen?
“Screw your fucking ex that decided to come here tonight and make you feel like shit. That guy who thinks that he can walk back into your life when he wants. The one that won’t let you smile properly.” San inhales sharply. “I want to see your smile. The one you have when you’re truly happy. When you find something funny. The one that I never got to see.”
Youngtaek stares at San for what feels like hours but what in reality is only a few seconds. A smile forms on Youngtaek’s face. It’s not like the smiles that he’s had before. It morphs easily to a belly deep laughter. His mouth curls upwards and is open to let out a boisterous laugh. His eyes are curled into little crescent moons and the apples of his cheeks are pink.
San didn’t know what he was missing until this moment.
He is pulled in and kissed, laughter against his own lips and San knows that this is what happiness should feel like. This is the happiness he wants to keep.
Youngtaek licks into San’s mouth and San feels like he’s been lit up like the sun.
“Let’s be happy together, San.”