Chapter Text
“Do you want to come to my place after your shift?”
Buck looked up from where he was sitting in the armchair, tying his sneakers as Taylor was buttoning up her silky blouse. Her hair - done up in a messy bun - was damp at the back of her neck after her morning shower. She looked pretty like that, cute even, and Buck felt an apologetic, slightly regretful smile spread on his lips.
“Uh, it’s a twenty-four-hour shift. So, no idea how tired I’ll be.”
“Right, you have a regular shift again on Sunday.”
“Yeah,” Buck replied as he tied his second shoe and then got up to meet his girlfriend in the middle, somewhere at the foot of the stairs, waiting until she had put in her earrings. “But that means I’m free all Saturday,” he said sweetly, placing a hand at the small of her back and pulling her a little closer, feeling her slender arms come to rest on top of his shoulders as she looked up at him.
“Hm, I’ll be working most of the day, though. But I was thinking,” she started, a smirk forming on her lips as she let one hand wander to the front of his chest, “we’re both free tomorrow night. We could go see a movie, have a nice dinner somewhere. My treat.”
Buck let out a small chuckle. “You know, I don’t care what other guys say. Dating a career woman who makes more than I do does have its perks.”
Taylor laughed softly at that, shaking her head, as she gave his chest a small pat. Then, she let her hands cross behind his neck and pulled him down a little. “Hm, I’m gonna make you work for it afterwards.”
“Oh yeah? And what kind of compensation did you have in mind?”
“I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”
Buck enjoyed the banter with her, the way she liked to tease him, and also made it abundantly clear that - even four months into their relationship - she was still pretty crazy about him.
It was easy, being with her. Fun, carefree, and very, very physically satisfying, and Buck liked that. They were still at a stage where they were getting to know each other as dating partners, their busy schedules keeping them apart quite often, but to Buck, that, too, felt more like an advantage than not. Even though he’d tried to take things slow with Abby, he had more or less rushed into it, falling hard and deep in love and then falling even harder and deeper when she had simply left him and never returned. With Ali, it had been the exact opposite; she’d been even busier than Taylor and very rarely around, and so, when the first reality-check had presented itself, she’d bolted and left him as well.
With Taylor, it seemed like a good middle ground. They’d been familiar enough with each other as friends for him to have gained a base sense of trust and confidence that they might work out as a couple, too. They enjoyed each other’s company and did not only spend their time together having sex - although they did have quite a lot of it, still being in that ‘honeymoon phase.’ Aside from that, though, they both had their own lives, jobs, and circles of friends they sometimes but not often mixed, and he thought that was great, too. Wasn’t that what every relationship guidebook - not that he had read many - said? That you shouldn’t give up your sense of self, your hobbies, and your interests to make room for a relationship, but that you should discover that there was enough room in your life to share it with another person? Well, he and Taylor seemed to be doing exactly right in that aspect. She had her work colleagues and girl friends, and Buck had--
“Oh, tomorrow’s Friday,” he said, seeing her brows go up and her drawing back a little from where she surely had just been about to kiss him.
“Yeah, since today’s Thursday.”
He let out a soft chuckle at that, again apologetic, a hand going up to scratch at the back of his neck as her arms dropped from around his shoulders.
“Uh, sorry, but I can’t. I’m-- uh… spending the evening with Eddie and Christopher.”
There was a soft, halfway concealed intake of breath as she took another small step backward. “Right. Eddie and Christopher.”
She wasn’t happy about this, Buck could tell, feeling a slight pang of anxiety in the pit of his stomach. “Uh, yeah, I promised a while ago. We wanted to make pizza and watch a movie, and you know Chris--”
“Adores you,” Taylor finished for him, a thin smile on her lips that barely hid her disappointment.
Buck didn’t quite know what to say. “You understand that, though, don’t you? I mean--”
“Oh, I understand perfectly,” she said, her tone a lot more huffy and icy than just a moment ago. She took a deep breath and shook her head softly before she continued with a gentler but pleading voice.
“Buck, it’s been four months, and we’ve barely spent an entire night and day together. It’s always Eddie this, Bobby that. And I always just get what’s left of your time.” Her words caught him by surprise, particularly since he’d just been thinking that this was the aspect that worked so well between them.
“They’re my friends. My family, Taylor. I’m not gonna turn my back on them just because I have a girlfriend.”
“And I’m not asking you to,” she replied, still that strange tone in her voice that Buck hadn’t heard from her before, nor had he seen that look in her bright eyes. She definitely didn’t seem angry - or at least not on the forefront. What Buck recognized instead - what slowly dawned on him then - was more difficult to handle.
“Buck, I get that they’re important to you. But every once in a while, I need you to prioritize me over them.”
No matter how hard she tried to hide it with an even, firm voice, it was impossible to miss the hurt in her words, and it sent a stab of guilt through his chest that he desperately needed to soothe.
“You hang out with your friends too,” he tried, “Last Saturday you went out for drinks with Sheila and Anthony, and before--”
“Because you were already busy, so I made other plans,” she interjected and then let out a somewhat exasperated sigh, “I don’t want all of your time and attention. I’m happy that you’re not a super clingy boyfriend who gets jealous that I spend time with other people, and that it’s uncomplicated to just meet for two or three hours if nothing else works out. But if we want this relationship to go somewhere-- We’re standing still, Buck, and I need just a little more from you for this to keep moving forward.”
That feeling of guilt amplified and mixed with a pang of panic. Buck instinctively took a step closer towards her, but Taylor took a step back, determined to keep the distance while they were talking.
“Are you-- are you breaking up with me?” he asked, his voice a little shakier than he would have liked.
“No, I’m not breaking up with you. But I need to know that I’m not always going to be number three after the Diaz boys.”
“I’m not sure that’s fair,” Buck said, voice low but an edge of defiance to it, while something in him seemed to scream that she had a point. At the same time, however, Buck could not picture not prioritizing Eddie and Christopher, and he had neither the time nor willingness to examine that thought any deeper.
“Why is that not fair?” Taylor asked, her own voice rising slightly now, “Why is it not fair that I, the woman you’re supposed to be in love with, want to be-- not even your absolute number one, but at least on par with your best friend and his kid?”
“I never said you weren’t,” Buck replied, his own voice betraying a sense of annoyance now.
“Actions, Buck. Not words. Usually, you’re all acts of service and affection. Just strangely not when it comes to me.”
“Now that’s really not fair! I’ve done tons of stuff for you. I--”
“I’m not talking about getting my favorite takeout or giving me a relaxing back rub when I’ve had a rough day. If you’re feeling proud of yourself for doing that, I’ve got news for you. That’s the bare minimum!”
“Then what am I supposed to do? What do you expect me to do?” Buck nearly shouted, out of his depth now, clueless.
“Dammit, Buck. You stood here and told me you were done being with people who made you feel you weren’t enough. You should figure it out!” she retorted, her voice loud too, but still, there was less anger in it and more of that hurt he’d recognized earlier. Her words hit something deep inside him, turning that low, bubbling feeling of guilt and anxiousness into shock.
“In the very least, you should not make me feel jealous of a ten-year-old,” she added when he hadn’t said anything. This time, her voice had broken a little, and she turned away to hide her face from him.
For a second, Buck was sure he had seen tears form in her eyes.
“Taylor, I’m-- um-- I’m sorry if I made you feel like you’re not enough. I really am,” he tried soothingly, coming closer now and, carefully, placing a hand on her upper arm to gently urge her to turn around and face him again, “But you’ve gotta understand Christopher is really special to me. I love that kid, and I promised him I’d always be there. I can’t turn on him, and especially after Eddie told me he made me his legal guardian--”
“If he dies , Buck,” she cut him off to correct him and took two steps away from him again, “But Eddie’s very much alive - which is great, and I’m hoping that won’t change for the next sixty years or so. And it’s sweet that he did that, but… Gosh. It’s also weird . Don’t you think it’s kinda weird?”
As much sympathy as he’d felt for her just moments ago, those words sent a spark of anger through him. “How is it weird? Eddie knows I love Christopher as if he were my own and--”
“That! That is exactly what’s weird about this. He’s not your own, Buck. He’s Eddie’s and Shannon’s, and you should be the cool uncle, the backup plan that collapses as soon as Eddie finds a partner he actually wants to be with.”
For a split second, that image sent a pang of panic through him that seemed to cut off his air. At the same time, that very small, very weak voice in him said, again, that she had a point, that there was something not quite normal about the whole scenario, but the bigger part of him got angry again, angry and hurt this time that she’d question what undoubtedly was the best part of his life.
But what if Eddie did find someone else again? That other voice asked now, causing his heart to thump faster in his chest and his lungs to constrict with rising anxiety. Eddie and Ana had broken up months ago. He surely wasn’t going to remain single for the rest of his life. Sooner or later, Eddie would find a woman he’d fall deeply in love with, maybe even marry her, and then she’d adopt Christopher, and Eddie would change his will, and--
“But he’s not going to, is he?” Taylor went on, tearing him away from his thoughts. “Because Eddie puts you before everyone else, too. God. He baby-trapped you!”
Despite the emotional turmoil in him, Buck had to laugh at that, incredulous. “He didn’t baby-trap me, Taylor. That’s ridiculous. It’s not like he’s in love with me or anything.”
The silence that followed, her looking at him with raised brows and one hand on her hip, spoke volumes of what she thought about that.
Buck snorted in disbelief, ignoring the fact that his heart was beating several paces faster now, though it was a lot less unpleasant than it had been just moments ago. He had no time or energy to unpack that, though.
“Crap,” Taylor got out, and Buck only noticed then that her phone was vibrating on the kitchen counter when she went to pick it up and check it.
“I’ve gotta go. And you’re running late, too.”
There was something conciliating in her tone then, something thoughtful and considerate despite the edge still present in her voice.
Buck hated to leave things in the open like that.
“Taylor, wait,” he said as he watched her grab her purse and slip into her pumps, already on the way to the door, and, thankfully, she stopped and turned towards him once more.
“Let’s-- let’s just talk about this later, okay? I’ll come over for breakfast and sleep later. And then we can look at your schedule, and I can take a day off or switch shifts with someone, and we’ll spend an entire day and night together, okay?”
She was still angry, still hurt, and Buck felt his own anger dissipate and leave only guilt and sympathy. Nevertheless, she let out a long, relenting sigh and nodded. To Buck’s surprise, she crossed the two steps distance between them and got on her tiptoes to brush a brief kiss to a spot just next to his mouth.
“Okay. We’ll talk.”
And with that, she hurried out of the loft, closing the door behind her.
Buck knew he needed to hurry, too, but all he could do was stand there for a few long moments, staring at the door, hating himself a little for making her feel exactly as he had never wanted to feel again himself.