Archive of Our Own

As the cold breeze gently caresses his pinkish cheeks, Jungkook realizes the freezing winter is just around the corner. Windows mid-down, fingers resting between the slight gap that it creates while the other hand is firmly gripping the steering wheel.

He keeps dreaming about the numerous possibilites the winter has in store for him. Finally, the well-deserved break is awaiting his tired body. Funnily enough, the last stop of his Korean tour was Gwanju. How ironic to put him into this position.

There’s been too many eyes on him over the past few months. Way too many. He somewhat craves to go somewhere where nobody can see him. Where his presence won’t be a sense of entertainment, but a simple natural sharing of space.

No matter how much he’s tried to pretend that even after seven years of disbandment, the only men who are capable of making him feel like that are his members, was not worth it.

Goodbyes, for him, are unstoppable tears flowing down his cheeks. And that it was. Once he realized that he could only rely on himself from now then, his whole world crumbled. Of course, they’ve stayed in contact, but it wasn’t quite the same as before. So, every time he visits their hometowns, he makes sure to contact them to meet up. If luck is on their side, it works out.

Without even knowing, Jungkook realizes he’s been driving around the same area for over fifteen minutes. He remembers how it always prickles on his skin when he has to make that call. For some reason, he feels like a bother to be calling them in the evening just to ask if he can stop by.

What about all of the years they’ve spent together? What about the numerous sunrises they’ve watched together? Shouldn’t that alone mean that it’s okay to interrupt their daily activities anytime he feels like it?

Especially one person in particular. Every freaking time he looks at the number plastered all across his screen, he can’t bring himself to press dial.

Unexpectedly, the rain starts hitting his windowshields, as if it was pouring the opposite direction than it usually does. Even more excuse he has, to just make that one call and crash at Hobi hyung’s place which is literally a few blocks away.

There’s nothing to lose. Only beautiful things to gain. Like every time they reminisce the good old times. But, today, as he lets his gaze wander over the green fields, it feels somewhat different. Like, if he makes the call, nothing’s ever going to be the same.

Misunderstandings have been following him his whole life. From the ridiculous accusations thrown at him during the Bangtan days, to simple mispronunciations during interviews that got eventually twisted; it’s always been there. He doesn’t want the same thing happening today.

Making Hoseok feel like the only way to seek comfort during the busy days is to crash on his couch. While lying on the hotel bed yesterday night, Jungkook was contemplating whether to drive his car somewhere else than the five stars hotel after today’s concert.

Oddly, like the fool he is, he’s been waiting for a text to pop up on his phone screen. As if Hoseok was impatiently sitting at home and checking where his next tour stops are. As if it really mattered to him as much as it does to Jungkook. Nonsense. Why would he go far and beyond just to make sure he doesn’t miss his opportunity to reunite with the younger?

And even now, after so many years, the tension is still there. It surrounds him in the confined space of the car and reminds him why it’s so hard to pick up the phone and call the one person he’s wanted to call the most.

His dry lips open and close as if the words were right there on the tip of his tongue. Memories are scary afterimages. And oh man, does he have a ton of them. Is it too late to face them up front and make the step he’s been so afraid to make?

It’s like the last train is leaving in no time and he has to make a quick decision. Even though he’s aware he should hurry up, his fingers tremble when he thinks about touching the phone which is currently placed on the passenger seat.

Regrets are something he doesn’t want to get buried in if he doesn’t make that one phone call. Even as the rain continues to hit the hood of his car, he knows there’s a blue sky somewhere in the far distance.

The dirt on the window on the passenger’s side catches his eyes for a split second, before he finally reaches for the phone. He’s got closets full of skeletons stored in his head and he’s not about to add one more to the pile.

He wishes it’d be easy to take deep breaths as he dials the number and lets it ring in his ear as a siren, but it isn’t. It never is. Jungkook assures himself that this is the only time they can meet up since his flight to Japan is tomorrow evening.

It’s like the car’s driving itself as he’s too focused on the agonizing ringing. He asks himself if there’s a possibility that Hoseok’s not picking up, because he simply doesn’t want to deal with him. Whether he’s too busy to make some extra time for him. He wants to cancel the phone call – almost does so – but then, the most comforting sound soothes his ear. “Jungkookie?”

No matter how much he wants to shut his eyes to revel in the lulling sound, he needs to keep his eyes on the road. He wants to get up from the car and nervously walk around, because there’s no way he can make it through the phone call sitting down with his foot on the speed pedal. “Hobi hyung, hi!”

Confused noise resounds on the other side of the line, but at least it gives Jungkook some time to park on the side of the road and step out of the car. There’s an awkward silence, before Hoseok finally speaks up again. “Uuhm, I kinda didn’t expect you to call. But I saw you’re in town.”

His whole body tingles. No one knows what it’s like to be met with such words exactly when he’s needed them. “You did? Was wondering if you keep track of our movement.” It’s only him and Hoseok. As he keeps pacing up and down next to the bushes, he encloses himself in the comforting space. Lets out a small giggle to ease up the situation.

Underneath the night sky, everything seems so peaceful, yet his heart is beating thousand miles an hour. “Not everyone, no. Just happened to see yours. How was the concert? I hope the Gwanju spirit didn’t let you down.”

Jungkook’s had so much to say to him and yet, he’s lost for words. Trying to find the right ones. “They’ve never let me down. Don’t you worry about that.”

“Good.” The silence is longer than ever after that. It’s like both of them find it hard to ease up and fall back into the usual playful banter.

Maybe that’s why Jungkook finds the courage to blurt out what he’s been meaning to ask. With no filter. “Let’s meet up, hyung.” His ears colour the vibrant red colour when he realizes how needy he sounded.

Nine in the evening and he’s suggesting to meet up. How fucking pathetic. “Now? You want to meet up now?” The man’s voice drops an octave lower and Jungkook forgot if that’s a good or a bad sign.

He’s thinking what to say next. Whether to deny or confirm. “Uhm … you know what … you’re right. It’s too late to meet up. Don’t know what I was thinking.” All that he does on a daily basis is sabotaging himself.

Jungkook closes his eyes. Wants to bang his head on his car door for making everything so awkward. He covers his eyes with his hand instead so the reflection of his blushing face wouldn’t meet his eyes.

But then, there’s a quick chuckle from Hoseok. “You haven’t changed one bit. Of course I want to meet up. I’m always here whenever you need me.”

Once he opens his eyes, he’s met with a relieved expression on his face in the rear mirror. “Really? Am I not interrupting anything? Don’t want to be a burden.”

He’s arrived to a conclusion that the less he talks, the better. Jungkook’s only making a fool out of himself for sounding so insecure. The worst thing is that this only happens with this hyung. With the others, he had no problem calling them up or crushing their home right away with no warning in advance. Then why is he so careful when contacting Hoseok?

Seeing no reasonable explanation, he waits for the answer. “Oh please, don’t be silly. I’d literally cancel any plans for you guys. Especially you.” There’s a nervous cough that follows. “I mean … you, as well. Not that I’m putting you first or anything.”

Jungkook breaks into more relaxed giggles. “Right. As if it wasn’t well known that I’m your favourite. You’re just scared to admit it, man.”

Now he’s out here teasing. He really doesn’t know how to just stay in the middle. Either he’s extra shy and awkward or a hell of a tease and a flirt. What has he done to anyone to deserve such a slander?

Whatever words he decides to use next, he’s more than sure he’ll hate himself for each and every one of them.

“I’ve never denied it either, though.” There’s another awkward silence after that which screams to be filled with words. “Anyways, meet you at mine? How quick can you come?”

The choice of words somehow makes him choke up. Yes, Jungkook starts choking on his own spit, because that’s what you do as an adult when you hear the suggestive phrase. “Jungkookie, don’t get all dirty-minded on me. Of course I meant coming to my house, you child.”

Only the braves can survive Hobi’s never-stopping flirting. Jungkook’s not one of them. “I’m not stupid. I know what you meant. I’m actually a few blocks away. Was driving around thinking about calling you.”

Sweeping the dust off of his clothes, he notices how quickly he wants to make his appearance look nice, as soon as he got the invite. See? Pathetic.

The night’s only starting and he already wants to give up on himself. To not make it awkward is the goal for tonight. “Aww, that’s sweet of you. Well, I can start making dinner for us. I bet you’re hungry after all of the dancing.”

Good thing he decided to call before midnight. Because that would be a disaster. A lot more red painted cheeks than now for bothering someone so late at night. He’s glad that it’s only nine. A perfect time for dinner. “That would be nice. Should I grab something on the way? Wine or something?”

“Well, grab yourself and that should be it. Wanna see you already.” Picking at his eyebrows, he almost rips a whole bunch of it when he hears the last words.

He almost falls into the white flowers surrounding him as he trips over his own feet. “Right. Yeah. Me … grabbing me. And … I’ll be there.”

The forgotten memories of all the times he’s embarrassed himself in front of his hyungs when he joined the group, because of his shy nature, visits him again. Strangely, he’s only stayed shy around Hoseok. No matter how hard he tries to shake off the childish giggling and blushing, it stays with him with every mention of Hobi’s name. His aura is really unbelievable.

“Waiting for you. Hurry up.” Not remembering to say something back, the line gets cut off before he has a chance to say bye. Such an embarrassment to be so wary around Hoseok even after the time has passed by.

How to stay collected tonight? He wishes they’d fall back into the comfortable cycle as soon as he steps into the house. Please, let it be like that. Jungkook can’t take any more humiliation.

                                                                                                        ………………………………

The long curly hair fall on his shoulders and he decides it’s best to tie it up to come off more sophisticated than he truly is. Not that he needs to pretend in front of Hobi, but he has this weird need to make a good impression after seeing each other after almost two years.

Here he goes, he tells himself as he’s impatiently bouncing his leg up and down in his parked car. Jungkook goes as far as tying his shoelaces all over again even though he knows it’s already perfectly tied.

There’s only three sides to the story. One, where he’s simply anxious about meeting a friend after a long time. The second one is his need to present himself in a good light no matter where he goes. The third one, he’d rather not discuss. Especially not before stepping out of the car to finally walk up to the front door.

It’s been a while since he’s noticed just how tormenting it is to face something up front instead of letting others deal with it for him. It’s not like he could take his manager with him to have the dinner for him. That would be just ridiculous.

The fire burns within him when manages to step out of the car. Noticing how much his palms are sweating, he rubs them all over his slacks – not a really professional thing to do, but he’s not about to touch Hoseok with the wetness.

Does he really want to make their reunion more awkward than it has to be? He wants to start it off leisurely and calmly instead of making a fool of himself. Doesn’t stop him from practicing the force with which he should knock a few times.

The words are heavy on his chest when the door springs open before he has a chance to actually knock. No matter how hard he tries getting them out of his mouth, they’re stuck. Because, Jungkook’s actually angry about how fucking beautiful his friend is and how that hasn’t changed ever since the last time they saw each other.

Just a little bit of regret washes over him that he’s let the silence go on for so long as they stare at each other. “Oh my god, hi!” He has to have more to say than that, for sure. And yet, his hands are awkwardly hanging at the side of his body as he waits for the man to move and somehow indicate what’s going on inside his head.

How awfully he wants to hug Hoseok is almost laughable. “Jesus Christ. How have you grown up so much? I thought we stopped that already.” Be in the moment is what matters the most. At least it should.

There’s this invisible force that’s just pulling him in and before he knows it, his arms wind around the man’s neck in a firm hug. He pushes forcibly into his body and somehow has to stop himself from forcing him to stumble backwards. “Someone had to miss me a lot, I see.”

However many times he’s hugged his friend before, he’ll never get used to the comforting feeling that it brings. It’s like Jungkook’s able to overcome any problem if he has these arms to return to.

The more he thinks about the meaning of it, the more he realizes he should probably pull away to not add to the weird tension turning into awkwardness. “Can you blame me? I haven’t seen you in years.”

The rainbow shirt Hoseok’s wearing blinds his eyes, but it’s so him, Jungkook wants to cry from the nostalgia. If he has only one day to revel in the sentimentality, he’ll let himself loose.

He’s come here to see this person for a reason, right? “Well, don’t stand outside then. Come in, bro. I’m a little sorry for the mess but the days of laziness are upon me.” Hoseok tells him that as if he wasn’t one of the cleanest people Jungkook’s ever met during his entire life.

When he falls asleep at night, he dreams of this warmth. The one he feels when he takes off his jacket and shoes and steps deeper into the house. The walls engulf him in a pleasant hug; one that resembles Hobi way too much. “Have you been decorating?”

It’s time to start easing up a tiny bit and yet, Hoseok lets out a nervous chuckle as he locks the door. “Yeah … I mean … you can say that. Just here and about.”

Jungkook goes back everyday; to the memory of their last shared dinner, right here at Hobi’s place, all seven of them. The him of that moment had a hard time with fully grasping the harsh reality of their disbandment. Didn’t know that to cherish the last moments was the only way to fully remember what this place made him feel.

But now, as he’s letting his fingers gently trace the neat white walls, he reminisces doing the same when saying goodbye seven years ago. Would his shadow be the same size on the whiteness? He doesn’t quite distinguishes the difference and yet, Hobi insists that he’s somehow managed to grow up.

The feeling of nostalgia lingers as he turns his head back to his friend who’s intently watching him admire the surroundings. “Looks quite different from what I remember, but it still feels the same.” If he waits without a word, then maybe Hoseok will understand that there hides an underlying meaning in those words. One, that’s been present ever since he can remember.

After long seconds of exchanged glances, Hoseok rushes to pick up his phone from the stool in the hallway and clumsily puts it into his sweatpants. “Well … feel free to just wander around and explore, if you want. I’ll start making dinner in the meantime.”

If he thinks about it, it’s better to give himself some alone time, before he starts chasing Hobi around per usual. “That’d be nice. Lemme know if you’ll need some help. You know I’m a great cook.”

What he knows for sure is that their glances truly last for a little too long than necessary. It happens naturally, as if finding the right words is a hard task for them and maybe that’s true for Jungkook, who’s always been a little quiet than the other, but Hobi’s always had a lot to say. “Yeah … I mean … look around and then come to the kitchen. We can cook together.”

Together. Together. Searching for words to say back once again, Hoseok nods his way and leaves the confined space before he has a chance to. Relaxing his shoulders once he’s alone, he looks around. At some point, after a while of standing in one place in a trance, he decides to move further into the house.

The summer happening outside has no say in the comforting coldness the walls radiate. Maybe it’s the AC or a natural state of the marble material. Jungkook says goodbye to the hallway after good five minutes of mindlessly looking at the artwork hanged there as if he’s able to figure out what the abstractness of it means.

He finds himself stepping into the elegantly decorated living room. And that’s when his curious eyes land on it. It almost screams from above the fireplace as if it’s meant to be the first thing people notice when they step into the space.

Jungkook can’t figure out whether it’s the same exact piece, but when the familiar mountains that he drew during their In the Soop shooting look back at him, he’s more than sure it’s his piece of art he thought had gotten lost when they moved company buildings. Denying the tears to swim to the surface, Jungkook bites down on his bottom lip.

Entering the same headspace he had been for most of the years of BTS, the memories pass in front of his eyes like dreams. There’s no freaking way he’s kept it all this time. Even has gone as far as hanging it on the most visible place in his house.

Jungkook blinks and blinks, even rubs on his eyes, but it doesn’t change one bit. It’s not a spec of his imagination that he’s created to make himself feel still as important to the man as he used to be.

He feels somewhat weird. As if looking at the painting is forbbiden and he shouldn’t even be here. But Hobi did tell him to wander around the house. Didn’t warn him about specific places he shall not enter. Besides, it’s totally normal to have your friend’s painting that he’s thought has been long destroyed, hanging in your house. Right?

Smiling for himself when he realizes just how sweet the gesture truly is, if he puts aside the bloom of hope that it creates in his body, he shouts towards the kitchen. “Hey, hyung! Can I go upstairs as well? Isn’t that too private?”

Another warm feeling blooms inside when he hears the soft laugh. “Private? I literally used to shower with you, dude because we had to save water. I think I’ll survive you going upstairs!”

He swears there’s something extra homey about this whole house. As if … as if he could simply imagine calling this his home as well. That’s by far, the craziest thought he’s had today. “Great point!”

Looking at himself in the big mirror hanged on the right side as he makes his way out of the living room, he mentally kicks himself for smiling like a complete idiot. Waiting earnestly for a response, he makes his way towards the staircase when there’s none. Only clanking of metal, plates and cutlery resonates from the kitchen.

Jungkook somehow gets drunk on the strange mood that follows him as he takes careful steps to the second floor. No matter the fact that he’s gotten a permission to go this far, it still feels weird to be walking around. Mostly because he’s somewhat anxious he’ll be met with more surprises such as the one in the living room. Maybe he’ll find other members’ belongings as well? It’s a heart-warming way to keep the memories alive.

He lets himself go completely and allows his feet to walk on their own. They turn right towards the numerous doors awaiting him. He doesn’t like the complete innocence of the decorations placed around such as the well-known figurines Hoseok’s been collecting ever since he can remember. The reason why he doesn’t like them is because it reaffirms Jungkook that the man hasn’t changed one bit.

And, that’s terrifying. Because, does that mean Jungkook’s feelings haven’t changed at all as well?

There’s a leather chair randomly resting in the corner of the upstairs hallway as if Hobi’s had numerous occasions when people needed to sit outside in the hall instead of entering one of the guest rooms or the man’s bedroom as Jungkook’s doing right now.

Him and him only in the big open space of the bedroom is a weird sensation. The heels of his black boots scrape against the wooden floor that’s not covered in the fluffy carpets. He’s been built to handle strange situations his whole life, but no one has prepared him for another shock awaiting him.

The cold air the walls of this house provide doesn’t stop him from burning up. From his cheeks colouring the red shade when he spots the drawing he did of Hobi for one of his birthdays hanging above the king-sized bed.

The imprint he’s left on the man’s life seems to be so grand, Jungkook somehow feels flattered. But, the minute he’s met with the realization that maybe there’s a bigger meaning behind it, he stays stuck in place. The drawing isn’t even that good. Back then, he was just playing around with pencils and wanted the gift to be personal rather than an artificial item.

His hand nervously pulls on the hem of his black shirt as he stares at the man’s Dynamite-self peering back at him from the drawing. Jungkook’s chest heaves up and down in long deep breaths. Tangled in his own train of thoughts, it’s hard to break the eye contact with something he’s never thought would mean so much to Hoseok that he’d hang it in his own bedroom.

He knows he doesn’t want to overthink anymore, but he can’t stop himself from feeling overwhelmed and hopeful. Just like back then. Just like it’s always been whenever Hoseok’s done something special for him.

Shaking his head, Jungkook wakes up from the astonished trance he’s put himself into. Quite strange to be seeing two of his works randomly hanging in the man’s house, yet not spotting anything else that could possibly belong to the other members.

He wonders if he even cares about the truth and wants to find out why Hoseok’s been keeping his artwork. The revelation can hit him harder than expected and he doesn’t know whether he’d be able to handle it when he’s already in such an exhausted and fragile place after so many months of touring.

He’s not the only traveler who’s seen crazy things happen all over the world. Hobi’s one of them as well. Oh, the places they’ve explored together in the past. Both of them know that life can get scarier if you face things up front. Maybe that’s what’s keeping them from confronting them.

Jungkook hasn’t repaid his debt back and maybe it’s time to do just that. To return everything Hoseok’s ever given him and more by simply just sitting down and talk sincerely. The numerous times Hobi cried with him until they lost their breaths. The amount of minutes he had spent listening to Jungkook’s insecurities and held him in his arms until Jungkook said he’d manage on his own.

Chained to the feelings it had created in him before he even realized what they truly meant, he’s always known that friendship can only go so far. This has always felt stronger. Bigger. But, left unsaid.

Sensitive to smell, Jungkook turns around to the soothing scent and spots a dimly lit candle placed on the nightstand. He chuckles for himself, because at this point, all feels like a dream. It’s his favourite brand. The one he used to light up, lay back on his bed and call Hobi over to lay with him so he wouldn’t feel alone. The man’s arms would always naturally wind around his waist and instead of reveling in the lulling scent of the expensive candle, he’d bury his nose into Jungkook’s neck and breathe in.

Jungkook endlessly wants to ask for explanations once he’ll come back downstairs, but he doesn’t want to start a fire that’ll be difficult to put out later on. All he knows for sure is, that knowing Hobi’s kept him so close to his heart, fills the void inside of him.

The more he looks around, the more details he notices. The yellow shoes he decorated for him are neatly pressed against the wall as an exhibit in the art museum. Smoothly vibrating the colour in the darkish bedroom, it once again blinds his sight. He feels like a total criminal to be standing in the middle of the bedroom like this, going over every little detail with his eyes.

Weird ideas pop into his head, such as the ones of eternal hope he has, to finally hear the words leave Hoseok’s mouth. Yes, what we had wasn’t just friendship. He doesn’t understand whether hearing those words is so needed when he could feel it for all of those years. Can still feel it as his orbs slowly glance over objects that relate to him, decorating the room.

Who puts so much effort into keeping one’s artwork when all he could do is sell it, donate it or simply just throw it out as he’s done with various other things? Jungkook’s seen the man get rid of so many different objects and decorations when they used to live together, that it doesn’t make sense why this is any different.

The red colour doesn’t leave his cheeks, nor his ears even as he’s stepping down the stairs to join Hobi in the kitchen after so many minutes of just staring and overthinking. As soon as he makes his turn into the already yummy smelling kitchen, the first thing he notices is the countless rainbow decorations all over and even on Hoseok’s clothing.

Jungkook spends a long time just standing in between the door, looking at how happily the man’s humming while cutting the vegetables, not noticing that Jungkook’s already done with exploring the house.

Spotting so many plants around Hobi’s home, Jungkook has to smile for himself imagining the man watering them every single day while humming like this. It’s been a long time since he felt this way. Or, felt it this strongly. ”Are you singing Euphoria? Am I hearing this right?”

Coming out of his shy shell, Jungkook slowly approaches Hoseok as soon as he lifts his head and notices the man’s presence in the kitchen. A small smile fights its way onto Hobi’s lips as he lets Jungkook meddle with his kitchen business, which other members didn’t like that much. “Maybe? So what if I am?”

Jungkook’s head is down low as he decides to cut the chicken into small pieces which is already washed, placed right next to Hobi. He’s too shy to meet the gaze of his friend, especially when they’re standing shoulder to shoulder. “Nothing … I just … you sound nice.”

He has the sudden urge to look at his phone to find an excuse to look anywhere else than the protruding stare of the man. “I’ve always had some vocals stored in my pocket. Don’t act surprised.”

Maybe the luck is on his side today, because after what feels like an eternity, the man returns to cutting the tomatoes into nice round circles. Jungkook doesn’t know how many times he’s had to take a proper deep breath today, because he realized that he forgot. “I’m not … I’m not surprised. I’ve always told you, you should sing more. It was you who was insecure about it. Your loss.”

This isn’t a scene from one of his dreams that would visit him late at night. He’s really at Hoseok’s house, cooking with him. A playful bump into his shoulder awakens him from the overthinking. Yes, this is definitely reality. “Well, what if I was so good that I’d take your main vocalist spot? I couldn’t do that to little Jungkookie. He’d cry and hate me for it.”

He’s heard Hoseok teasing him way too many times over his lifetime and yet, he has to stop cutting the meat to properly take in the moment, because it feels pleasant. Familiar. “I’ve missed this, you know?”

He doesn’t really care how desperate it sounds or whether he’d get picked on again by the man; he just really needed to say it out loud.

The teasing, playful words don’t come. Instead, Hoseok takes small glances at him as he’s cutting with the knife. “Missed what exactly? My cooking?”

He says the next words with his head down, carefully piecing the chicken. “I mean, yeah … but all of this. Me … and you … together. Alone. Talking and just … being together.”

The smell of Hobi’s perfume is floating in the air and filling up his nostrils every time he inhales oxygen and it’s so freaking overwhelming, he’s not sure how long he’ll manage to be standing so close.

Jungkook wants to see the end of tonight already if it’d mean gaining his conviction back. “I know what you mean, Koo. I feel the same way.” Does he though? Such ambiguous words, it’ll make him contemplate their true meaning when Hobi’s eyes stay at the side of his face a little too long.

Strutting his way through the next words, Jungkook takes his shot. “I’ve … I’ve noticed you’ve kept a lot of my works.” Releasing it into thin air and waiting whether Hobi’ll catch onto the bait, his nerves are nibbling on his brain cells.

“So, we’re switching the topic like this, huh?” Hoseok nervously rolls up his sleeves as if he didn’t need to do that way before the hem of his sleeves started soaking into the vegetable juices. “Yeah, I mean … you’re talented. Looks nice in my house. Didn’t need to waste money on a lot of new decorations.”

Averting his gaze from the veiny arms the man owns is harder than any test he’s ever taken. “As if you can’t afford to buy new ones.”

Matching his mind that keeps telling him to not overthink and stop sweating with his beating heart that just wants to … “Didn’t want to. What? Is it a problem? Do you feel uncomfortable?”

“Flattered is the word you’re looking for.” Flattered. Flustered. Surprised. Admired. Oh, definitely flustered. More than flustered when Hoseok decides to reach out to the upper board from behind him, pressing his body against his, instead of asking him to move away a little so he’d get better access. “Yeah, flattered.” Jungkook closes his eyes to soak in the familiar warmth engulfing him from behind and he swears to god, he can feel Hoseok breathing in the scent on his neck before he pulls away to use the salt he reached out for.

His heart breaks into pieces when the warmth leaves him. He lets out a silent cry for more as he almost cuts himself when looking way too intensively at Hoseok. “Flattered? Then it shouldn’t be a problem, right?”

“Nah, was just wondering why I didn’t see anything from the other members. Knew I’m your favourite.” This Monday night is slowly, but surely pushing him over the edge. In every way possible. Asking dangerous questions. Sharing dangerous glances. Standing dangerously close.

He knows that it’s going to be okay when Hobi gives him a relaxed smile. “I have their things as well, just not in the most visible places like yours. That’s all.”

He’s not saying it’s a good thing to be put first before any of the other members, but it certainly feels good. Knowing that Hoseok’s chosen his artworks. What he knows is good enough to feel accomplished. “No further explanation?”

Hoseok doesn’t get back to his vegetables this time. Instead puts the knife down with a loud clank and turns to face Jungkook, resting his left hip against the kitchen counter. “Do you want there to be?” The kitchen towel is slowly sliding in between his fingers as he’s cleaning them. It’s hypnotizing. Entrancing.

It’s true. Jungkook wants there to be further explanations every freaking time when Hoseok answers his curious questions. Focusing on getting the fat parts of the meat cut away, he tries his best to not meet Hobi’s gape. “Uhm … I don’t know. Is there though?”

Pretty, Jungkook thinks to himself when the man giggles desperately in response. Throwing the towel on the wooden kitchen table, he bends down to pull out a frying pan from under the sink. “There’s always something more when it comes to you, Jungkookie. You should know that by now.”

The sentence starts a fire inside, fighting its way through every cell in his fragile body. Oh my god. How the fuck is he supposed to answer that without stuttering like a fool? Rubbing on his eyes with his clean hand, he tries if he’s going to suddenly wake up from a dream.

But, he’s still standing in the same exact spot. “And yet, I never get to find out what the more is.”

Pulling himself together when he’s having a conversation like this is near to impossible. He’s aware that he’s done with the meat already and yet, he can’t stop himself from slicing through it.

“That’s because you don’t ask, Jungkook.”

“Because you don’t give me a lot of chances to.” Jungkook closely listens to the melody their rapidly beating hearts create as they turn their faces to stare into each other’s souls. It’s long. Breath-taking. Overwhelming.

Hoseok’s fuming with every breath he intakes. Everything is slowed down and it makes Jungkook want to actually ask out loud the one question that’s been bothering him since he can remember.

As quickly as the opportunity comes, that quickly it slips through his fingers. “If you’d excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. Start cooking the meat on the frying pan. I’ll be right back.”

When Hoseok bolts out of the kitchen, Jungkook realizes that all of this can actually be imaginary. Maybe he’s really losing his mind this time.

Hoseok’s eyes are ones that wouldn’t let him go even just for a second. Even though they don’t talk once he comes back from the bathroom, cooking in silence is way more challenging than having serious conversations. Especially when he can feel the ogling on every corner of his skin.

He doesn’t even realize when, but he can feel his eyes getting slightly filled with staggering tears and it’s not because of the onions they’ve fried. It’s the sadness that embraces his body unexpectedly at every chance it gets.

Jungkook’s never meant to cause any sorrow, but ever since he pushed further to get answers, Hoseok’s been stiff and awkward as he’s kept dropping the cutlery. It pains him to see him like that, so he’s more than thankful when they’re finally done making the dinner and can properly sit down and dive into the food instead of pretending it’s not eating them up from the inside to stay quiet for so long.

Wanting to see the beautiful smile again and hear the comforting laughter filling the space, Jungkook drops the piece of meat on his shirt on purpose. Knows that Hobi wouldn’t miss the chance to call him out for taking after Namjoon’s clumsiness.

Seeing the amused glance, Jungkook’s not surprised when he hears the soothing voice. “There he goes again. Uncoordinated as ever.” Easing up and laughing at the comment, the sound blends together as always. Maybe it’s the numerous years of harmonizing, but it’s the most beautiful melody Jungkook’s ever heard.

The purple tissues help him get rid of the stain before it can soak into the shirt. “I knew this would get you talking.”

He’s never wanted anything more than reaching across the table to get a hold of the abandoned hand lazily tapping on the tablecloth. “You know, we should make a toast to that. We haven’t had a sip of the wine ever since I put it on the table. Maybe that’d get us talking.”

Even though he’s had dinners like these with Hobi countless of times before, it feels like he’s never really had a chance to appreciate it as much as now. So, he nods his head. “What should we make a toast for? My clumsiness?”

He’s thought he’s gotten used to how attractive the man in front of him is, but as he stands up to lean across the table to pour wine into his empty glass with a little smirk on his face, Jungkook loses his breath. It hitches in his throat. “How about to us? Sounds good?”

He’s lost himself in the man’s eyes as he carefully gets back to his seat again and pours some for himself as well. “To us? Sounds amazing.”

Something happens in the same exact moment when they clank their glasses together. The soft to us resonates in the air and it’s like with the first sip of the wine, the restraints that have been holding them back throughout the night have left their rigid bodies.

Jungkook properly opens up his eyes and sees the beauty that is his friend. Sees it for real this time. “You’ve been taking good care of yourself.”

Showing a slight confusion on his face, Hobi giggles: “So suddenly?”

Maybe he should just say sorry for bouncing between feeling extra shy and then jumping to being so straight-forward. But, it’s just who he is. And, Hoseok’s more than aware. “It’s not sudden. I can see your skin is glowing, your eyes don’t look tired and you’re not as skinny as you used to be. Those are good signs.”

“Well, I’m taking a little break. For myself, you know? Felt like I needed it after so many years of producing music without stopping. Well, you know … or you don’t know because you’re still on tour. You should rest as well, Jungkookie.” The words embrace him in a tight hug.

Tired is one of the many emotions he’s been feeling on the tour. “I will. Once I’m satisfied and ready to rest. Still … doesn’t feel as good as our tours. I mean … I love performing, you know I do. But, it’s lonely, hyung. I miss you.”

The furrow of Hobi’s eyebrows seem like he’s scheming a proper way to approach something. “No one to accompany you on the tour? Friends? A partner?” The suggestion is subtle, but it becomes more obvious when Hoseok takes a sip of the wine right after.

Jungkook thinks about lying, but there doesn’t appear to be any barriers between them right now. So, he takes advantage of it. “A partner? You mean the people I casually sleep with to relive at least a little bit of emotions I used to feel when …”

In the middle of the vast ocean of his life, there’s always been something missing ever since all of them broke up. In peace, of course. In a mutual agreement. But .. “When what, love?”

It’s the pet name that does it for him. It’s soft and makes Jungkook feel less lonely. “When all of us were together. When you and I … when we’d see each other everyday and I’d felt so … so loved.”

The fact that no matter how many times he shouts the word into the void, he’s never expected to get the answer he gets right now, clearly says something. Pierces right through his heart. “That’s because I do love you, Jungkook.”

Is it time to be honest? Finally, at last? Or is he interpreting the powerful words in a whole other meaning than he wishes it to be? “Yeah … but … but, not the way I’m searching for when I have meaningless sex with people.”

He shouldn’t have said that. He shouldn’t have let the words leave his mouth, because it’s probably the already pulsing alcohol through his veins talking. He knows very well it’s a mistake.

At least he thinks it is. But, Hoseok straightens up in his seat and leans on his elbows. “How can you say that?”

The friendly expression’s no longer present on Hoseok’s face. There’s a heap of emotions dancing on his features. Jungkook’s fucked up. “I know … I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought up the topic.”

Leading the conversation a completely different direction than he predicted, Jungkook refuses to meet Hoseok’s eyes, because he feels the embarrassment creeping in when he realizes how pathetic he sounded to admit it.

“No. How can you say I don’t love you the way you’re looking for? After two decades, you should know better. You should definitely know better.” Same day, same moon blinding the sky outside and yet, the words are so different that it hits him like a wave.

Every word repeats in his head as a broken record, before he actually responds. “How the fuck am I supposed to know better, hyung? How the fuck when none of us talk like adults? We keep talking in codes and all these years I’ve been overthinking so much that it’s become a daily activity that’s stuck with me now. I can’t even see you smile without thinking whether that smile is only reserved for me or you blind other people with it as well!”

Jungkook’s stuck in between. Between desperation, frustration and anger. All of those building up inside because of Hobi’s thinking. Thinking that they can figure it out on their own without talking to each other openly. “I’ve been lonely all this time as well, Jungkook.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Maybe it’s because he had an early morning today and has been awake for God knows how long, but he’s getting easily irritated and emotional.

He knows what he came to do here today, though. It’s about time they discuss this. “It’s not … it’s … all I’m saying is that I haven’t really been seeing anyone over the past few years either. I can’t … I can’t bring myself to feel the same.”

There’s a change in the man’s expression. Welcoming, apologetic, full of promise.

Okay, is this how they’re doing it? “Feel the same as what?”

Sometimes the questions work out in his favour. Jungkook can’t take it no more. How long it takes for the both of them to take a deep breath and answer them. It’s not like them. And yet, when Hobi gives in and smiles defeatedly, he knows the response will be hundred percent sincere. “I can’t bring myself feel the same as I feel when I catch you staring at me. Or when you cling to my body so hard, I can feel your hot breath on my skin. I’ve never … I’ve never been able to recreate the emotion no matter with how many people I’ve tried.”

Jungkook backs up for a second. Screeches the chair against the wooden floor as he stays further from the table to give himself a space to breathe. As if that would help him to calm down. “You … how? How can you say it so easily?”

Jungkook doesn’t try to invade his own personal space by curling into a ball on the enormous chair, so he neatly places his hands behind his head to support it.

The thick eye make-up Hoseok’s wearing gets smudged when he rubs his eye a little. Makes him look even more beautiful if that’s even possible. The man speaks to him softly. “Easily? Jungkook, don’t be ridiculous. This is the first time I’m saying it out loud in seventeen years. How is that easy?”

This whole conversation is changing his world as they speak. Now that’s getting released into the open, there’s no way to just take it back. “Because … I’ve never thought we’d be saying these things. It’s …”

“You haven’t really said much, though. Have I crossed the line?” The love that blooms inside of him as Hoseok lets out a beaten chuckle is so brand new.

Hands now in his lap, Jungkook starts fiddling with his fingers. “Crossing the line? No. Freaking me out? Yeah, a little.”

“So, it’s not something you feel just as strongly? But, I thought …”

The stuttering words flow from his mouth like a water from the faucet. “No! I mean … yes. Of course I do .. I mean, yes. Obviously I …”

Does the words he said even make sense? He’s pretty sure they don’t. There’s no way they do when Hoseok patiently says: “Take your time, bub. No reason to rush.”

“You’ve gotta stop! Like right now!” He needs to take a breath. Jesus Christ.

“Stop what?” The man tries hiding the adoring smile that’s fighting its way to the surface as he’s watching Jungkook struggling for words, but to no avail. There it is, plastered all across his lips.

Something special glints in Hobi’s eyes and it’s hard to be whiney about it. “With the pet names! I can’t think when you call me them. Jesus.”

Jungkook feels it like a pouring rain hitting his skin after the driest summer every time his friend lets out a giggle. “So, I guess what you were trying to say with your stuttering words is that you feel the same? I hope?”

No other answer is needed than the shy laugh Jungkook releases. “Oh, do I now? I haven’t noticed. Haven’t noticed how I turn into a complete tomato every time you compliment me. I’m sure you also haven’t noticed how I used to ogle your body when you used to dance in your boxers only in the old dance studio, because if you did notice, we wouldn’t be here right now awkwardly confessing.”

It’s always been more than that. More than teenage hormones wanting to get it on. More than just a sexual attraction, which is for sure there, but isn’t predominant when he feels the butterflies in his stomach when Hoseok blinds him with the radiant smile. “No, we wouldn’t be here if we actually talked to each other up front instead of finding every opportunity to spend time with each other and pretend like it’s normal to want to spend so much time with a person.”

There’s been quite a few times when Jungkook laid in his bed and found himself reaching to the empty spot, thinking how fulfiled it would be if Hoseok’s body appeared right next to him. To think he could’ve had that all these years if their lack of courage didn’t get the best of them, he has to desperately laugh.  ”I can’t believe the amount of stupidity that’s in us. Just imagine …”

There’s no one to blame. No one to point their fingers at other than themselves and that also, is not really accurate given the situation they had been in. “How it’d be if we talked and confessed a lot earlier? You know that wasn’t possible back then, Jungkook. That wouldn’t … that wouldn’t work.”

Today has been a good day, but he’s still in bewilderment. Not one person can convince him that once he wakes up the next day, the memories of this conversation will still be there. “Why wait so long though, Hobi? It’s been seven years since our disbandment. I’ve spent so many nights just … wishing. Wishing that I could hear those words from your mouth and now that I did, it doesn’t really change a lot, because it’s like I’ve always kind of known, you know?”

Turning his head to look at nothing in particular, Hoseok stares into the distance. “There was no way to not know. To not feel it when it’s been so … Remember when the idol girl asked you out on a date and you went to me for a permission? Or when you used to get scared because of the storm and you sneaked into my bed, because hyungie can make all fears go away? That’s not subtle at all. Of course we’ve been aware.”

Jungkook remembers all those odd moments when he felt confused by his emotions and why his first instinct when someone hit on him was to ask Hobi what he should do and if he was okay with it. “You’re one to talk, hyung. You always blamed me for making too many mistakes during the dance practice just so the two of us could stay behind alone. I knew I wasn’t making any mistakes, but I let you have it. The nights at the dance studio are one of the happiest moments of my life.”

“Yeah, we stayed until the Sun started peeking through the curtains and most of the time we didn’t even dance. We just laid on the dirty ground and were talking to each other. The most random things. It was … nice.” Jungkook would mistake the expression Hobi’s wearing right now for a bored one, but he knows better. It’s the one he wears when he goes so deep into the memories, he completely spaces out.

“Where are we even going with this? Like …? Where do we go from here? It’s so weird … it feels weird admitting everything, because once you say it out loud, it’s out there, you know? Even though we’ve known all of these years that we’re not just friends, it’s different … when you actually say those words.” Why is he asking questions he’s not sure he wants the answers for is beyond him.

Learning his own lessons throughout his life, he knows more than anyone than dealing with his own emotions while dealing how the world reacts to them, at the same time, is the most challenging task. “I … I don’t know, Jungkook. I’m … I have no idea.”

Talking to the man so openly has honestly brought peace to his beating heart. “You know, it’s been like three months since I actually wanted to talk to you about this. I mean … of course I’ve thought about confessing ever since I remember, but … after this one night stand a few months back, I just … I sent the man away right after and I just stared into the ceiling and laughed at myself. And I even grabbed the phone to call you, but I backed out real quick. Pathetic, huh?”

He’s been leaving himself lost with no answers to calm his mind and yet, now when he finally has them, it still doesn’t calm his heart which is working way too hard for someone just sitting down and not moving at all. Love is strange. “You’re not pathetic, Koo. None of us are. We just … it’s scary, you know? It’s always been. We weren’t forbidden to have feelings for one another, but it would, let’s be real, ruin everything. We couldn’t risk losing everything.”

Are there more obstacles to come across once they’ve got the biggest one of them out of the way? Probably. “I know, hyung. But … I’ve been trying to pretend … pretend for so long now. I just … I don’t wanna feel like that anymore. I’ve thrown so many memories of us two away, just so I wouldn’t feel so shitty about not doing anything. But, I need you to know … need you to understand that … I’ve never felt something so strong for anyone in my life. It’s … it’s like I’ve lost my sight, but whenever I’m with you I can see things so clearly, you know?”

Jungkook’s even fooled himself into believing that Hoseok’s never felt the same just to accept the harsh reality easier. But, when the man knowingly smiles at his words, it still makes him feel greater amount of emotions than any other relationship he’s tried getting himself into.

“I know, Jungkook. I know. I can feel it. I’ve always could. And I hope you can too.” There’s so much on his mind, but those words alone are enough to calm the storm inside, at least just for a little while.

As they’ve run around every corner of the past and their memories, Jungkook doesn’t even notice how they end up laying on the couch. The younger’s back is pressed against Hoseok’s chest and the man’s strong arms are hugging him from behind, lazily playing with the buttons on his shirt. Unbuttoning it and then buttoning it back seconds later.

It’s like he’s off to shooting his shot, but then changes his mind right after. And Jungkook lets him, although his breath hitches in his throat every time the man’s nails graze against his bare chest. The warmth is pouring from all over, whether it be the hot breath on his earlobe or their bodies reacting to the closeness, forming the unbearable heat.

If one day can change so much, then Jungkook’s not sure why they’ve waited so long. “Don’t you ever think that everything could be different if we came clean a lot sooner? Do you think it’d influence our careers?”

Eating dinner together was probably the best solution to all of their struggles. Because, there’s nothing Jungkook has ever wanted more than to once again feel the security of returning to Hoseok’s arms after the exhausting concert.

Hobi’s other hand finds its way into Jungkook’s hair, untying his ponytail and letting the hair loose all over his collarbones. “Of course it would. Imagine managing a relationship while having a busy schedule. It’d hurt us a lot. Maybe would even ruin the perfect teamwork we had built.”

Watching how Hoseok’s slender fingers trace his naked skin once he unbuttons the upper part of his black shirt and doesn’t close it back, he gasps for air. His own hands tremble as they nervously play with the hems of it. “I can’t even imagine fighting with you.”

Jungkook thanks the Gods he’s not standing up right now, because he’s more than sure his legs would break down if Hoseok was unconsciously trying to find a way on how to undress him. “Yeah, I can’t remember fighting you. But, you never know under a lot of stress and pressure, anything can happen.”

The man behind him lets out a soft laugh. “What’s so funny, hyung?”

“Uhm, nothing … it’s just … your body feels the same as I remember it. It’s crazy.” Jungkook’s definitely on edge when Hobi’s hand travel under his shirt to outline the abs he’s always been working hard on.

He wishes he could say something without stuttering, but Hoseok’s touches mean so much more than the numerous fingers that have trailed his body. “Is that – is that why you’re basically feeling me up?”

“What? Am I making you uncomfortable, bun?” The pet name rolls off of his tongue so effortlessly as if it’s always come to him naturally. Like he’s pulled all-nighters just to say it again and again.

The fingers are practically dancing on top of his melanin skin; rubbing, grazing, drawing different patterns – enough for Jungkook to close his eyes and enjoy the way it makes him feel. Even though it’s what he’s always wanted to feel, it’s so overwhelming – the mix of the hungry touch and the sharp breath right next to his ear.

“No. It’s – it’s not that. I just … feel like I’m dreaming. Makes me dizzy.” Jungkook jumps up in surprise when there’s a small wet kiss placed right under his earlobe. No matter how much he’s grown and how much time has passed, he’ll never get used to how addictive the man’s traces are and how needy he is to rewind them.

It’s beautiful, everything feels wonderful and yet, the kisses that trail along his neck vein have a sense of sadness to it, even though Jungkook can’t quite put his finger to it. “Does that feel comfortable?” Another sloppy kiss lands on his neck line. “Can I do that?”

He’s so scared; so terrified, that once he opens his eyes, he’ll wake up from the bliss and feel the breeze on his face from the window he always lets open during the night. But, Hobi slips his fingers further under his shirt, reaching so far as to the waistband of his jeans. “You … you … yes.”

Hoseok’s being his usual touchy self, but with a different feel to it. So different. So spicy, it burns everything he touches. To think he’s been living without this doesn’t quite sit right with him.

“Knowing you is the best thing that’s happened to me, Jungkook. I need you to understand that.” Every word enters his ear so profoundly his body doesn’t have time to digest it while his body’s being explored in pieces at the same time.

Started off as a simple reunion has turned into something so intimate, Jungkook sees it in Hoseok’s eyes when he turns his head to lock their gazes. He can also see that the man wants more just as much as Jungkook does. “I understand, hyung. I do.”

“What’s on your mind, bun?” He keeps falling back into clutching onto the man’s clothes as he lets his hand wander along the line where his jeans begin. Softly scratching the mellow skin that leads to the place Jungkook wants him to touch the most.

Jungkook almost gives up in holding the stare for longer, because the touch on his lower tummy weakens the hell out of him. “I’m … I hate that we’ve missed so much time. I hate it so much, hyung.”

The distance between their half-opened lips is almost non-existent and yet, they’re not making the move to connect them. Instead, they’re breathing in the steamy breaths, sharing them together the more Hoseok keeps letting his fingers slip under the waistband. “But, we’re here now, aren’t we? When you look like this … so pretty, blushing … I … can I kiss you?”

The more dangerous the question is, the better. So funny to ask when the man’s fingers work on their own already. Jungkook knows deep inside that the waiting of so many years to connect their lips would be worth it.

And, he’s not wrong. Can’t stop now when he knows how the shape of their lips fit almost ridiculously perfect together. Blend together in the smallest of moans and become one. This is the most honest they’ve been with each other ever since they met and the feeling is liberating.

No matter how hard he’s trying to stop and pull away, his tongue pushes inside deeper and deeper. The mood keeps fluctuating up and down from a desperate one to slow and cherishing one. They don’t know how to balance it and revel in the moment when this is all they’ve been really craving for.

Jungkook’s body shakes as the man’s fingers finally reach places he’s always dreamed of. He enters his soul in every way possible there is and not once they disconnect their eager lips. The drum of his heart kicks harder than ever. He’s always thought that his imagination has blown things out of proportion for him, but once he gets a taste of everything, he gets to realize that it’s way better than his mind could ever recreate.

Somehow he’s wanted this night to be special, but it’s never crossed his mind that special would be their naked bodies melting together as one. They party on each other’s bodies and it’s not at all awkward as Jungkook’s pictured it.

“You’re the embodiment of beauty, you know that?” Hoseok brushes the sweaty hair off of his face and places a small peck onto his forehead to regain their normal tempo of breathing after what they’ve just done.

The loving gaze doesn’t go unnoticed as he’s resting his head on the elbow right above him, looking down on the younger one. Admiring. Jungkook craves it even while he’s experiencing it. The attention. The appreciation. “I’m sweaty, that’s what I am.”

And yet, with sweat dripping down his forehead, Hoseok looks like he’s been sculpted by gods and sculptors themselves.

The man looks at him and tells him something he’ll never forget. “I wish there was a better word to describe what I feel when I look at you than love, Jungkookie.” Hoseok’s lips touch his once again and Jungkook thinks everything would change. He thinks the man will disappear as soon as they pull away.

But, once they do, he’s still there, curling into his side. Nothing’s different than it was before, except one tiny detail. Something that is way special than anything and that is being able to say what he feels out loud without worrying about the consequences. “I love you, hyung.”