Chapter Text
Kaoru's lies were starting to fall apart. Kojiro couldn't possibly believe he had another family obligation, not when they had known each other for years; years of his family not focusing on much outside of work. Kojiro deserved a best friend who didn't ditch him for evenings of chasing- whatever this is.
Adam's hand slipping to his waist, pulling him in, stepping forward to keep him off balance and reliant on the wall. Kojiro needed to stop coming to mind in moments like this - everything was confusing enough with just Adam and him. Adam who was graduating just like them and still hadn’t said a word of what his plans were. Adam who had kissed him so sweetly for his birthday, but had not shown up to any celebration or gotten him a gift. Adam who didn’t seem to plan on slowing tonight.
Kojiro knew something existed between them, but he had no idea how deep it ran for Kaoru. Being a secret was a bit like going mad. Kaoru lost his grip on the line of reality with Adam too quickly. He knew there were too many rules, too many secrets, too many walls Adam kept well guarded. It didn’t matter.
Kaoru was good at breaking down how things worked. He liked puzzles.
And Adam liked him.
Adam liked him. Adam liked him . Adam.
Maybe repeating the thought could help him believe it more. Maybe actually paying attention to the person pushing him into a concrete wall during sunset, the person who invited him out -
“I can hear your thoughts, Cherry.”
For a moment, Kaoru almost believed it was possible. Adam could read him almost as well as Kojiro. Adam leaned in, brushing back a lock of hair. His razor sharp smile had vanished. “Am I boring you? Not enough excitement to keep your attention off your calculations?”
Kaoru’s stomach dropped. Adam could read him well. Sometimes. Not always. “No, you’re never boring.”
He tried to protest the questioning by kissing Adam, but the other boy pulled back. Kaoru’s grip on the sweatshirt stopped any further retreat. He had to think fast, prove to Adam he wanted nothing more than to be here. While his hands betrayed his desperation for Adam to stay, Kaoru lifted his chin, “What? You think I would sneak out to meet someone boring ? I want to be here. Pretty sure you do too.”
He brushed a hand along the waistband of Adam's pants and was rewarded with a sharp intake of breath.
Adam liked him.
Kaoru didn’t know how to tell Adam that he didn’t know people like him existed in the world. People who looked at the stars as if they were achievable goals. People who gravity and physics bowed to and who created an orbit for their own world. It was all he could do to hold on to these moments, knowing Adam burned bright and fast and too much.
A single brow arched and Kaoru took the challenge. Prove it.
Another kiss. Another long few minutes pulling Adam to him, feeling every crack in the concrete wall against his back. Another damn hairtie lost to wandering hands and the crescent shape of Kaoru’s nails imprinted on Adam’s back. Another bruise to hide from Kojiro.
The location set limitations for them. Everything about the underpass, the wall they were pressed against, and the car discreetly parked in an alley, kept Kaoru from pressing further. At first they had found safety at S, stolen private moments where Kaoru gave everything to Adam. S might have been discovered by Adam, but it wasn’t his to keep locked away. The location came to life only with friends, other skaters, and a small crowd carrying enough energy to intoxicate them. S was Kojiro now too. Kojiro who was always too sweet and too loud and too ready to prove himself.
When he wasn’t with Kojiro, was the other at S? Skating with friends who didn’t lie about evening plans?
“You left me again.” Adam whispered.
Kaoru flushed. He had to stay focused, stay present, stop worrying about everything else in the world. He could save this moment. “I’m sorry you caught me. I was trying to think of somewhere to continue this more privately.”
“Is that all?”
“Mhmm.”
Adam pressed him further into the wall and slid a leg between his. Focusing on the sensations helped ground him. Maybe they could do something here? His body demanded friction, who was he to say no? Kaoru was about to suggest privacy might be overrated when Adam spoke. “I don’t believe you.”
What?
He wanted to move, wanted to be touched, but Adam had him thoroughly pinned in place and was talking now. Who wasn’t focused on the person before him now? It certainly wasn’t Kaoru.
Adam’s voice was nothing more than a whisper as he continued. “What would help your focus Cherry? Do you need me to be more dangerous? Or more sweet? More muscle? Should I be a little taller?”
Each statement was punctuated with Adam shifting his leg higher, his mouth trailing along Kaoru’s neck, and a harder pressure on his chest from the hands keeping him in place.
“What?”
Sweeter? Taller? Did he mean Kojiro? Kaoru was kissing Adam and very much wanted to continue doing so - not think about his best friend.
“Keep up Cherry. Something’s missing for you and I’m figuring out what.”
Missing? Maybe a bed? A room? Adam’s clothes should be missing. If there was a correct answer, he didn’t have the sense to find it. “Everything’s perfect. You’re perfect.”
Adam slowed. “Personally, I can think of a few things to help me. If you can’t focus, maybe having some incentive, some competition, would get you in the mood.”
“Cut to the chase Adam,” he said, voice flat.
“Let's include Joe.”
Kaoru couldn’t focus on this. Adam was too close. His body was all electricity. There wasn’t enough oxygen. “Kojiro?”
He tried to push off the wall, push back against the hand on his chest and find footing. Adam let him.
Adam let him go.
“Why not?” Adam asked simply.
So many reasons he could not possibly begin to name.
Because I want you to want me. Because I don’t know how to cross that line with Kojiro. Because I’m not enough for you sometimes, what if I am not enough for him as well?
“I’m being greedy, I know.” Adam continued, cool and calm as ever. Distant. “But I want to try something new and who better than Kojiro. He’d do anything we told him to. He’d be perfect.”
Kaoru couldn’t meet his eyes, couldn’t stop the question. “Am I not enough?”
A hand cupped his cheek, soft in the way light touches water. Adam’s actions weighed as much as his words. If he reached out, Kaoru could lean into it, cling to it. He could sort out the rest later.
When Adam spoke, he was gentle. “You are enough when you are here. But you can’t guarantee that, can you?”
His words were free of malice. His hand lifted Kaoru’s face so gently to look at him, yet Kaoru closed his eyes. There was no facing this directly.
Adam continued so sweetly, “Let me limit your distractions.”
He couldn’t. No one could. He had never been the same as them. Whatever God or lucky pool of molecules created Adam, Kojiro, and the rest of the world, it left Kaoru unfinished. His heart had too many cracks. It could let light in. Let storms in. Let everything in.
But nothing could ever be enough. Love was supposed to fill a life, not spill through and leave Kaoru to drown. Every moment was a fight not to slip under. Not to be overwhelmed by possibility, potential, and failure.
Living came easy to Adam. Easier to Kojiro. The reason Kaoru couldn’t focus wasn’t a person. It wasn’t a single problem to be solved. It was every person and every problem and how his mind could never quiet.
He didn't have the words to tell Adam tonight.
“Kojiro’s not a distraction, he’s my best friend,” he said. Did he believe it?
“He’s not a replacement, just a new idea.”
Adam's thumb moved aimlessly across Kaoru’s lips. Remaining still for him was as impossible as silencing Kaoru’s thoughts. The action spoke for him, he wanted the tension to wash away from every line of Kaoru’s body. It was a peace offering and Kaoru accepted, relaxing into the touch.
There would never be an apology, but this was enough for Kaoru. He finally opened his eyes and Adam’s smile flashed sharp and strong. “Hmmm. Call him a trick move if it helps you sleep at night, but you can’t ignore how he looks.”
“You could help me sleep at night,” Kaoru muttered, ignoring the observations.
“Yes or no to Joe.”
He would try this. For Adam. He wanted to be the type of person who said yes. “Can it be a yes until no?”
“Yes.” Adam kissed him.
Kaoru pulled away from the distraction. “And just once for now.”
Adam chased his mouth. “Yes.”
Kaoru kept the distance. As much as he wanted Adam, there were questions, conditions, expectations to manage. “And you have to ask him.”
“I can do that.”
“Where-”
One of Adam’s hands covered his mouth and the other rested on the back of his neck to stop him. “Cherry. Come back to me. The details will sort themselves out.”
His voice was muffled behind the hand, but he still protested. “They won’t.”
Adam had a politician's smile, magnanimous and full of secrets. He had grown tired of chasing Kaoru and the sun had set. The hand on the back of his neck tightened and one finger traced Kaoru’s lips before sliding into his mouth. “Oh I can assure you, they will. Another day. Focus on me tonight.”
Kaoru grinned.
“Ask nicely.”
“No.”