Chapter Text
I’m no match for him, I know.
As I see Bones clean Eiji’s wound, I try to process the fact that we’re cornered. After I hang up the phone inside that ridiculously spacious and empty walk-in closet of ours, I feel my heart plummeting inside my chest. There are no choices, no plan I can come up with. My eyes wander around the room erratically as if I could physically find a way out of this. But I cannot.
Why him? Why, after all this time?
I stand in front of the window. The sound of the rain outside helps me to keep it together somehow. But what should I do? What can I do? I feel the air fill and leave my lungs slowly. I wish it could help me wash out the guilt I’m feeling, or how powerless I feel. Eiji was hurt because of me again, only this time I know he will be killed for sure if I don’t surrender.
I’ve felt all different kinds of pain throughout my life, but this… this is a whole new level of torture. I’ve been so detached from people, places, and even my own body that I didn’t think someone could make me tremble again.
I take a deep breath again to steady my hands, and find myself pausing before twisting the knob of Eiji’s bedroom door. Our bedroom door, really.
“How is it?” I ask calmly as I enter.
“Not bad. It’s nothing” he replies.
I find myself walking towards him. His big round eyes look surprised when I place my hand over his forehead.
“Got a fever?” his skin is warm, but not too warm. “I guess not… but you better rest. Gunshot wounds can cause fevers”
His eyes blink in understanding and I walk to the window to pull the curtains open despite being quite late. I’ve always liked the moonlight.
“Is it safe to open?” he asks worriedly.
“Yeah…”
“It seems there’s trouble again…” his voice is sad, tired, disappointed even.
“It’s nothing I hadn’t expected…”
And it’s true. I’ve always known it will always come to this. I know I’m not allowed to have what I’ve been wishing for. I’ve been pretending this dream we’re living together can last, but Eiji’s wound is a loud reminder of my position in the world. I take a beer and I open the can.
“Go to sleep” I say, letting the bitter liquid reach my mouth.
Eiji keeps silent. I know he’s thinking of something, but I do not dare to ask. I throw my head back and drink some more. I came to his room knowing that this will probably be the last time I see him. I need to hurry up and get what Yut-Lung and Blanca asked for to keep Eiji safe. I try to keep my thoughts away from what Max is going to say, or how Eiji is going to react when he finds out eventually.
“Ash, won’t you come to Japan?”
His question takes me aback. For a moment, I think I didn’t hear correctly, so I turn around to face him.
“When it’s all over, come to Japan with me” he says. His voice and his words are too natural, too honest for what he’s saying.
“Me? To Japan?” I ask, still surprised. “What gave you that idea?”
And for some reason, Eiji looks surprised too.
“I want you to see my country. Besides…” he falters. There’s something else he wants to say, but I see him change his mind. “you don’t need a gun to live” he finishes with a smile.
I look away and concentrate on the can on my right hand.
“I wouldn’t have anything to do in Japan” I state. My voice comes out darker than I intended “Killing is all I know” I tell him, but it sounds more like a reminder for myself.
“Come on, don’t say that… you could do anything!” he tries to reason “How about becoming a model? I bet they’d love you!” he offers.
I know he means exactly what he says, there is no malice or bad intentions behind it, but it still triggers something inside me.
“Yeah right… Modeling is a tough world. It’s nothing like kid’s porno” I spit the words.
“I didn’t… mean it like that. Sorry” he says. His guilt shakes me out of my anger and I turn to see him again.
“No, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that” I apologize immediately. It feels unlike me to say it, but it feels right at the same time. If it’s Eiji, some things which would usually feel bad are suddenly okay. I feel a faint heat creep up my face and I try to redirect my thoughts for my own sake. “What’s Japan like?”
He thinks with a smile on his lips and I sit on the edge of his bed. I could swear I feel his warmth radiating from here.
“There are lots of people. And cars” he says, hugging his knees. I cannot help but notice how innocent he looks.
“Why go then? It’s the same as here” I half-laugh.
“Well, Tokyo anyways. My hometown isn’t like that”
“Where is it?” I ask with real interest. We’ve been living together for some time now and I’ve never asked where he’s from.
“Izumo City of Shimane. Izumo is the land of Gods.”
“Gizmo?” I hear myself say stupidly, but I’m rewarded with a soft laugh.
“No, not like from Gremlins” he says amused “It’s I-zu-mo”
I see his lips moving slowly in front of me, and I find myself getting closer as I repeat the word.
“I-zu-mo…” the word now tastes sweet on my lips.
“Right…” he smiles. “There are 8 million Gods in Japan. There’s even one for toilets and one that makes you poor”
As he speaks, I forget the reason why I felt so heavy just some minutes ago. Having him in front of me, talking and excitedly telling me about his hometown makes me feel something inside my chest. I feel fortunate, I realize.
“I hope he doesn’t visit me” I joke.
He holds my gaze and the silence settles between us. It’s not an awkward silence, but it makes my internal voice scream louder. I know how I feel about him, and it’s hard to ignore it.
“Japan, huh? I’d like to go someday…” I dare to dream.
“I’d love to take you” he replies tenderly, and it makes me a little weaker. “I bet everybody would be surprised. My little sister might even faint!”
My heart races again, and I let out a nervous laugh.
After two beers, Eiji falls asleep. I watch him breathe peacefully, the pillow sinking under his head. It’s a sight I know I’ll always remember in the future. How these moments were allowed for me to live. To know how kind and loving another person can be. It is my farewell, I know. As I brace myself to leave the room, I swear to never forgive whoever should hurt him. No matter whom it is… but especially me.
I kneel next to his bed, and I rest my upper body on the comforter. It aches. My heart clenches at the thought of living without him, so I clasp the sheets tightly with my fingers. I won’t let anybody hurt him, I promise him wordlessly. I shut my eyes closed and I fight the tears threatening to leave my eyes.
“Ash…”
His voice startles me.
He’s awake and I know he looks concerned because of how near my breaking point I must look.
“Ash” he repeats, but this time his hand rests on my hair. “What’s wrong?”
I panic. I feel like I’ve been caught stealing or something. Maybe I was.
“I fell asleep” I lie, but he sees straight through me.
He keeps quiet, but his look becomes serious. He knows.
“There’s something you’re hiding from me”
“I was just sleeping, Eiji” I try again, and I stand up ready to grab my jacket. I must go before it’s too late. “But thanks for waking me up, I actually need to get going”
“Ash, what is it?” he presses again.
I put my denim jacket on and I breathe in and out evenly. Trained.
“Go back to sleep”
“Ash” he pleads.
I walk to the door. I’m a coward, I know. I hate myself for it. Forgive me, Eiji.
I grab the knob. “I’ll get Ibe to come here tomorrow. You have to sleep so-”
“You become terribly calm when you lie, you know that?” he deadpans.
Silence.
“Eiji…” I try to explain, but nothing comes out after that. I swallow the lump on my throat.
“Ash… I need you to tell me what’s going on… I need you to trust me” he says, and I hate the way his voice has to beg.
“Eiji, it’s not that I don’t trust you…”
“What is it then?” he demands. His expression is almost desperate. “Ash… I just…” he struggles “I just know the minute you walk out of that door… I might not see you again. So please…” he says, this time a tear rolling down his cheek. “So please stay, Ash...”
I falter. I feel my instinct, my reason and my desire clash inside me. It paralyzes me for a moment, like never before. Whenever I had to decide between two options, I always chose the most convenient, the smartest, whatever would keep me alive. How come things were so complicated when it came to Eiji?
I stay. I turn around and sit on the edge of his bed again. I hear the air leave his lungs in relief.
“Eiji…” I begin, and I try to think of the most effective way to make him understand the situation. There’s no need for sugarcoating this. “There’s no choice here. Blanca, the guy who trained me and taught me everything I know, is after you. If I don't go, you're gonna be dead tomorrow”
Eiji’s eyes are open wide.
“Yut Lung hired him and I’m no match for him…” I try to explain.
After a moment, Eiji finally speaks.
“Were you going to leave just like that?” he asks hurt.
I look away, my shame keeps me from replying.
“Ash… you silly American” he says, and I turn my gaze back at him as I hear his voice crack in a teary smile. “You were going to put yourself in danger… just like that”
He wipes his tear with the sleeve of his pajama but keeps looking at me.
“Forgive me, Eiji…” I find myself saying aloud.
My hands tremble again. I hate it when I cannot control how my body reacts, but it feels liberating to let it happen in front of him.
“It’s so unlike you to just give up without putting up a fight” he says.
“You really don’t understand” I shake my head. “It’s Blanca we’re talking about. I don’t stand even a chance”
He furrows his eyebrows and pouts. It’s almost comical to see in such a serious situation.
“I hate how this Blanca makes you talk about yourself…”
“It’s the truth” I insist. If he only knew.
“You don’t know that…”
“I do!” I say exasperated now.
“You know what I know?” he says, the tears completely gone. “I know you’re the most brilliant person I’ve ever met. You’re annoyingly clever, and I know no one stands a chance against you”
I open my mouth to protest but he interrupts me.
“Don’t you dare to contradict me” he warns “You’re also the strongest person I’ve ever met, inside and out” he adds, his tone becoming quieter and a bit shy, looking away. “You’re… you’re the bravest and… the most caring and loving person too…”
He looks up again and I see past his eyes. I see his worry, his fear, and I almost allow myself to see his love in those brown pools.
“I cannot lose you…”
It’s the slightest touch, but I feel his hand over mine. He brushes my skin with his thumb, almost scared that it will burn.
“I don’t want to lose you either… that’s exactly why I must go”
I see him shake his head with his eyes shut closed, and suddenly they are open wide. I see a sudden realization light up in his mind and I fear it.
“Let’s go” he just says.
“What?”
“Let’s leave, let’s escape together. Today. Now.”
I don’t know if I should laugh, scream, or both.
“Eiji… it’s no use…” I breathe tiredly
“Aren’t you Ash Lynx?” he says, almost offended to hear me speak like that. “What does this Blanca have that makes you doubt yourself so much?? Is he so smart? Well, outsmart him then!”
I blink confused.
“What do you mean?”
“Do you think he expects you to run away? If it’s something so unlike you, isn’t it the smartest choice?”
I stare at him, trying to let the words sink into my mind, trying to see where the problem is. I start considering it. My blood rushes with the possibility of an escape.
“They would find us eventually… wouldn’t they? It would be just prolonging the inevitable”
“We’ve been doing that forever. We’re just buying time to make a better move”
When was it that Eiji started speaking like this? When was it that he became my source of hope and security? Was it ever the other way around?
I swallow. I process the possible plan in my head. If we left, I’m sure Blanca would be at least surprised. He knows I’ll do whatever it takes to keep Eiji safe. He also knows that I’m no match for him, so logic says I’ll obey. But what if I don’t? What if I can actually outsmart him by picking the dumbest choice? I feel my stomach twist anxiously at the possibilities, but Eiji’s hand closes firmer around mine.
We can do it, I decide. I’ll tell the gang to keep a low profile, disperse, disappear. Retreat, regroup and prepare to attack. I’ll tell Max to leave with his family too. We’re more in number, and at least it’s worth the try. We’ve been risking our lives this whole time anyways.
“Okay” I say, and I cannot believe it when the word comes out of my mouth.
Eiji’s eyes flash with excitement, happiness, relief. “We’re doing it? We’re leaving??”
I let my own nervous laugh out. “Yeah, let’s be dumb as fuck”
“We’re not being dumb! We’ll make it!” he assures me with a wide smile.
“We’ll see that”
“Where should we go?”
“Everywhere” I state resolutely.
I stand up and get my laptop from the night table. I open it and start typing as fast as I can. There’s no time to lose.
“I’ll get us a ticket to the UK”
“The UK?!” he says confused, already standing up to get dressed.
“Yes. And Japan. And France. And Argentina. All for tonight.”
“What?!” he turns around to see me typing.
“I don’t know how far they can track me, but I’m pretty sure they’ll figure out if I bought airplane tickets with my bank account. They’ll look for us there and that will buy us some time. Plus, I’ll buy tickets with stopovers, so they'll have to look there too”
“Your mind really is impressive…” he says, sitting next to me. “Where are we going really?”
I feel my lips curve on a smile and look at him.
“On a roadtrip” I say, and the way he smiles makes me think this was the right thing to do all along.
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