Chapter Text
The first time Kageyama Tobio heard about soulmates was when he was seven years old, on a spring evening while playing volleyball in the backyard with his grandfather Kazuyo.
It was their little routine -parents always came home too late, when Tobio was in bed, so Kazuyo took care of him and his sister Miwa. He took them with him to the gym where he coached a women's team and sometimes watched a volleyball match with Tobio on TV ; and, when the weather was nice enough, they practiced a little behind the house. That day, they were doing a receive exercise.
“Lower your hips,” Kazuyo advised. “Follow the ball.”
It was then that Miwa, who had just graduated from Kitagawa Daiichi middle school, opened the bay window and told them that she would be changing clubs in high school.
“What, Miwa-chan? Are you quitting volleyball?”
Kazuyo didn't look angry, just surprised. As far back as he could remember, Tobio had always seen Miwa playing volleyball, and he couldn't really imagine that she could quit for real. To tell the truth, from his childish simplicity, he just hoped that Kazuyo would turn back to him and keep playing until it was too late.
Her sister simply turned her back on them to stare at her phone, fluttering her inky hair as she passed:
“Yeah. I don't feel like cutting my hair, but the high school girls' team has an unspoken rule that says keep it short. Are you also going to tell me that's a stupid reason?”
“Why would I say that?”
“My boyfriend said it was stupid.”
From there, Kazuyo seemed more shocked by the fact that his granddaughter had a boyfriend rather than her choice to quit volleyball. Tobio didn’t paid much attention; he was still playing and that was what mattered. But a few days later, as he came home from the gym with his grandfather, the topic was brought up again:
“Tobio, do you know why Miwa has a boyfriend?”
“No?”
It wasn't really the kind of thing that interested him, honestly, but he never refused to talk with Kazuyo. He felt that his grandfather was the only person he felt really close to, with whom he shared something sincere; being with him and listening to his voice soothed him.
“It's because she's come to the age where soulmates are felt,” his grandfather said. “You will also feel them around fourteen or fifteen.”
“Soulmates?” Tobio repeated intrigued.
He heard about it regularly but didn't pay any particular attention to it. Kazuyo smiled at him, and small wrinkles appeared around his eyes, proof that he was of a playful nature.
“That's it. There is a person in the world who is exactly made for you, and you will discover them at that age. To guide you towards each other, you will be connected by a special bond, you will be able to feel all of their sensations, their feelings, and it will be the same on their side.”
“Is it true?”
“Of course!”
His grandfather ruffled his hair affectionately, then his gaze grew a little more distant, and his smile a little more tender:
“It's the most beautiful thing that exists. Nature is really well done.”
Tobio just nodded. I hope mine plays volleyball too, so we can play together.
Miwa introduced her boyfriend to them in the days that followed, and their chemistry was evident. They didn't need to talk to understand each other, even for the smallest things; and their parents were delighted to see their daughter already settled. It was always a relief to see that someone found their soulmate soon enough, it avoided excesses, it created the certainty that it was the right person.
“As expected, Miwa's boyfriend fits her perfectly,” Kazuyo said happily as he tucked Tobio in that evening. “It's a good thing for her to have found her soulmate. The only thing missing in the family is you, Tobio!”
Tobio's eyes were already starting to close, but he still heard his grandfather say softly before turning off the light:
“I hope I'll still be there to meet yours.”
Months passed. Tobio started playing volleyball at school, Miwa brought her boyfriend home, Kazuyo went to the hospital more and more often, and for longer and longer stays.
The athletic level of elementary school soon bored Tobio, and he entered middle school hoping to be surrounded by stimulating teammates who would have something to teach him. There, his attention was immediately drawn to a player clearly superior to the others.
“There is a third year,” he told Kazuyo enthusiastically during one of his visits to the hospital, “he has a super good serve.”
This senpai, Oikawa Tooru, was also the team captain and the starting setter. Kageyama was fascinated by his technique, by his determination, by his charisma; of all, he had eyes only for him and for his serve. Oikawa didn't seem determined to teach him anything, however, and never missed an opportunity to make a hurtful remark if Tobio dared to ask -but Kazuyo had told him that it was okay, that they were rivals, and the thought of being on the same level as Oikawa-san one day made him shudder with envy.
His relationship with the captain deteriorated as the school year progressed, even as Oikawa's vice-captain and boyfriend, Iwaizumi, tried to work things out as best he could. Tobio always saw the two of them together in middle school, whether it was in volleyball, in the canteen or in the halls, and sometimes holding hands to show that they were dating. They were fifteen, that was the age of recognition, and Kageyama simply deduced that they must be soulmates.
His first year of middle school ended, Oikawa and Iwaizumi left, and it was from there that things started to escalate.
Kindaichi and Kunimi, with whom he had a pretty good relationship until then, proved unable to keep up with his pace. Tobio gradually isolated himself as the technical gap between him and the other players was becoming more and more noticeable. Kazuyo was now spending all his time in the hospital -he couldn't play anymore, and Kageyama was setting for himself in the yard where they both trained just a few years ago. It was barely if they were still watching games together, on a laptop in the hospital -and each time, his grandfather fell asleep before the end.
The house was sadly empty now that Miwa had moved in with her soulmate further into the region to attend a prestigious hairdressing school. His parents still weren't there, and Tobio had to look after himself on his own all the time he wasn't in school or training. And when he turned fourteen, he began to wonder if the first signs of his soulmate were going to appear.
All he received as a sign was Kazuyo's death.
He had been expecting it for some time, actually. His grandfather’s condition had only worsened in recent years. But seeing him gone for good was quite another thing.
Miwa stayed with him for a few days, then left again, his parents continued to work. It was not in his family that he would find comfort. He had no friends to share his grief, what came closest to it were just teammates. Since he didn't know where or how to express his pain, he did the only thing he could do: train longer, harder, never giving up.
“Your sets are too fast!” Kindaichi cried one day. “We can't hit them!”
They do not understand.
“Be faster, then!”
Winning had become an obsession, and he was throwing himself into it to stay active and avoid brooding. If he was the only one who wanted it, too bad. If he was the only good player on his team, too bad. But occupying his mind in game strategies and exhausting his muscles was never enough to ease the pain that had gripped him since the death of his grandfather -the one who had taught him everything, the one who knew him by heart, the only one who could really understand him.
But maybe someone else would understand. If a person was made for him, if he truly had a soulmate, then they would be the best person to confide in and rely on. It was a little hope, but it was all he had, so he clung to it… especially as the first signs finally appeared.
He knew that some things that he felt were not coming from him. Joy, affection, disappointment, various things, but they barely touched him -all the positive feelings that came from that outward connection couldn't pierce his shell. He was still too grieved, too lonely, too sad and too angry. The first time he clearly felt anything was one night he was practicing serving, alone in Kitagawa Daiichi's gym, when his knee suddenly gave out.
His first thought was that he had hurt himself. It wouldn't be surprising, given the rigorous training he was forcing himself to achieve. He took off his kneepad, touched the skin, trying to see if he found anything wrong. But nothing was happening, it wasn't swelling, no redness, no bruising, nothing, and he realized that it wasn't him who had just hurt himself.
To tell the truth, this event which he saw at first as something rather positive, the certainty of having a soulmate, quickly turned into a handicap. His knee was aching even though he knew there was no problem with it, it slowed down his game, and he reacted as he always had, by reflex, as a defense mechanism.
By being harder with himself. And with the others.
“Faster!” he screamed when he saw that Kindaichi couldn't hit his sets.
“Are you serious!” the champion replied upset.
“I'm the one in charge,” Kageyama replied. “If you want to win, get in sync with me.”
“Bullshit,” Kunimi intervened, annoyed by the situation. “This is not how volleyball works. And if you don't understand that, Kageyama, you can never work as a team. You will always be a lonely king.”
Tobio should have seen it coming, should have felt the breaking point was near. But the violence of his feelings still blinded him, and he continued to do what he did best -control the court. And when, in the middle of the departmental final, his teammates decided not to follow him anymore and dropped the ball he had just set, he did not even find the strength to be irritated.
He digested the shock on the bench, and left as soon as the match was over, dodging his team. No way to go back to the locker room with them; he wanted to be alone, to find a quiet corner, and looked for the bathroom to isolate himself.
It was there that he stumbled upon Oikawa, and his heart sank instantly. He has seen it all.
“Tobio-chan,” his senpai greeted.
“Oikawa-san. Did you come to watch the game?”
It was a rhetorical question, but he didn't know what else to say. Dealing with Oikawa always robbed him of his means, and today more than ever.
“Yes. And I'm not disappointed.”
Oikawa was looking at him in a strange way. He must be ashamed of me. Tobio remained still as he approached, but his heart began to beat faster and faster, and he wondered if his senpai could hear it.
“Tobio,” Oikawa whispered to him with fake kindness. “Don't come to Aoba.”
Kageyama bit his lower lip. He had been through a lot lately, but it was oddly those few words that made him want to cry. It wasn't the first time he had been rejected though -all his teammates had just turned their backs on him. But that it came from Oikawa was the final blow. A setter he admired, a player he had wanted to emulate, someone he clung to like a role model -one of his rare landmarks since things got out of hand. He too was letting him down, and though it wasn't surprising, he felt the spike of pain with particular keenness.
The end of the year was simply disastrous. He already knew he had failed the exam to enter Shiratorizawa, but checked anyway -luck didn't smile on him, he wasn't welcome there. Finding out that he was being refused at one of the best schools in the prefecture was one thing, but knowing that he could not follow in Kazuyo's footsteps by joining their team was a disappointment of another kind. He had received a recommendation for Aoba Johsai, but Oikawa's words stuck in his mind, and he forgot the idea. Finally, the answer appeared just before the graduation ceremony, as he was shopping and heard high school students talking to each other complaining:
“I'm quitting volleyball next year, I'm changing clubs. Tanaka and Nishinoya have the courage to stay, but I don't, honestly -coach Ukai's training is just torture.”
Ukai. This name was familiar to Tobio. He searched his memory for a moment before replacing it -he had heard his grandfather talk about him before: Ukai was also a coach and they were about the same age. They must have known each other, Tobio may have even crossed paths with him without remembering it. He was coaching Karasuno the year that high school qualified for the Nationals, and Tobio remembered watching them with his grandfather at the time.
If he had returned, Karasuno High School would likely find its way back. In the end, maybe it was the choice to be made.
Thus, he entered Karasuno, and found that the only reason he had to join was gone. Ukai had retired for good. A new disappointment was added to the others, but he was starting to get used to it.
The first days in Karasuno were difficult. He had to prove himself to earn his place as a setter -that was his job, he would refuse to play anything else, he wanted the position that touched the ball the most, Kazuyo had looked so happy when he said that was what he wanted to do. Hinata got on his nerves, and even more Tsukishima who did not hesitate to throw salt on badly closed wounds -his teammates who had abandoned him, don’t come to Aoba.
And soulmates.
What was only a still poorly understood secondary element in middle school was predominant in high school. Most everyone had found theirs, and the team was no exception, pairs stood out very clearly -Daichi and Suga, for example. The topic was emerging everywhere, all the time, teachers talked about it in class, his classmates kept talking about their own halves between them, and as soon as someone got into a relationship, the first question was necessarily whether the two were bound or not. Miwa had already found hers at this age, and the fact of always being alone was starting to add a new complex to Tobio’s already long enough list.
He could feel them, though. In addition to the occasional pain in the knee, he felt emotions that normally did not find a place in him, fun, love, cheerfulness. Soulmates necessarily crossed paths, that was the rule -but when would he meet his? Could this person put an end to the bad news that had been raining on him for a year? Could he finally find an echo in someone, understanding, maybe even affection, at least have someone he would be comfortable with, who he could be with?
This hope flew away like the others.
Manager Takeda announced that they were having a practice match against Aoba's team on Tuesday, and Tobio didn't know what to think. This was where Kindaichi, Kunimi, Oikawa were, so many people who had made clear their contempt for him. But it was a new year, a new team, he had found a combination with Hinata that could prove to be fruitful; and he accepted.
He was alone that night, his parents wouldn't come home until late. He fed himself thoughtfully, imagining different attack plans for the following Tuesday; then he decided to apply Kazuyo's advice on personal maintenance and was not zealous that evening. He sat down at his desk, opened his laptop, and searched for a game to watch while he waited to sleep; the 2010 World League final seemed decent. The national teams of the finalists, Russia and Brazil, were among the best in the world, seeing a such good play would be great… and if he could observe some interesting moves to reproduce…
He was dreamily watching the slow motion of a Nicolas Romero’s spike when a sharp pain pierced his ankle.
He didn't get caught anymore -there was no reason for such a brutal pain to appear in him for no reason. It was not he who was in pain, it was his soulmate who had just been injured; a small sprain, probably, and despite himself, Tobio hoped they were okay. He had deduced that they were someone athletic, and that reassured him a little, to be honest: the day they would meet, they would have at least one thing in common to share. Even though they were soulmates and were theoretically meant to be together, you still had to start somewhere.
Tuesday came quickly. Karasuno's team left in a minibus after class to reach Aoba's high school, and although Tobio slowly felt apprehension rising, he was distracted by Hinata during the journey. He met Kindaichi but ignored him, didn't see Oikawa in the gym not knowing if he should be relieved or not, and when the match started, he let the tension of the game wash over him to think of something else.
They had just won the second set when a bunch of girls started screaming, and that could only announce one thing, Oikawa had arrived. Tobio found him immediately, near the coach, all smiles, and a violent sensation gripped him when he recognized his old senpai.
“Ah, Oikawa,” Aoba's coach greeted. “How's your ankle?”
“Just fine! I can resume normal training. It was only a small sprain.”
Your ankle.
A small sprain.
Kageyama opened his eyes wide. Just a coincidence? Or… His heart began to beat faster at the thought of what that might mean, but he didn't have more time to think about it than Tanaka asked him who this highly annoying pretty boy was.
They resumed play, but Kageyama had his head elsewhere, and when Oikawa stepped onto the court he received another heart blow. He was wearing a medical knee brace on his right knee -a new coincidence with what he was feeling.
But wasn't Oikawa in a relationship with Iwaizumi? Tobio no longer understood anything. Surely there was a mistake somewhere, maybe he was just imagining things…? But no, deep down, he felt that this was indeed reality. Enthusiasm, fun, a little pressure ran through him as he was impervious to it the moment before. He saw Oikawa serve ace on ace aiming at Tsukishima, and realized that the delight he was feeling at the moment was not just from his dislike of the blond.
Oikawa-san is my soulmate.
He was silent all the way back, not knowing what to do. Did Oikawa know that? If so, why hadn't he said anything to him, since when had he been aware of it? He still seemed to be close with Iwaizumi, they still had to be dating… Kageyama closed his eyes. He was bound to be the worst possible person. Oikawa had already rejected him, after Kitaichi's game -how could he even hope he would give them a chance?
He sent a message anyway, out of conscience, already knowing it would fail. At this point, failure was about to become routine.
Me: Oikawa-san, excuse me for bothering you.
Me: I think I'm your soulmate.
He waited a few minutes. Could Oikawa perceive his feelings? And if so, to what extent? He was having a little trouble disentangling all that, his were too strong, too intense, leaving little room for what his soulmate could feel outside of brief moments when they were close. His phone vibrated.
Oikawa-san: No, I don't think so.
Was he telling the truth? Or was he lying openly? Was it a bluff? But then how to explain all that Tobio had felt during the match, the double coincidence of injuries, one in the knee, the other in the ankle, the foreign feelings that had inhabited him when Oikawa was playing? He decided to be honest until the end, despite the answer that clearly meant to end it there, knowing full well that Oikawa would fail him:
Me: But I felt it
Oikawa replied with two messages, but Tobio waited a moment to open them. He knew their contents even before reading them -he could sense, almost imperceptibly, that Oikawa remained determined. No happiness, no positive feelings.
Oikawa-san: I have a boyfriend, I have already made my choice
Oikawa-san: I don't want a soulmate
Kageyama stared at the messages for a long moment. It was a foregone conclusion, he knew it. It justified the words Oikawa had said to him at the time, the wish to keep him away -so that their bond wouldn't jeopardize his relationship with Iwaizumi if the three of them ended up in the same high school and in the same team.
What disturbed him was that Oikawa knew full well that they were bound. He had known it before Tobio, but hadn't seen fit to tell him about it, had denied that bond as soon as it had appeared without even giving it a second thought.
Oikawa-san has Iwaizumi-san, that's right, he doesn't need a soulmate.
(But I needed it.)
He looked down to find that a third message had been added to the others.
Oikawa-san: I don't want you
Tobio processed the blow. This last message was not a rational explanation, not an argument as to why they couldn't be together. It was just contempt. Just hate. Just Oikawa making it clear to him how much he despised him, even though Tobio had done nothing to elicit such reactions.
A lump formed in his throat. My parents don't care about me. Kindaichi, Kunimi and the whole Kitaichi team rejected me. Shiratorizawa refused my candidacy. Finally, it shouldn't even affect me anymore that someone doesn't want me.
And yet, it still affected him way too much. He pulled up his blanket, switched his light off, and buried his head in his pillow. He wanted to think of something else, maybe watch a game, why not the 2009 World League final this time, between Brazil and Serbia? But no, impossible to deny this new pain, impossible to ignore the burning in his chest, impossible to push it away this time. He had been in pain for months, and this new setback was really pushing him to saturation. He had no soulmate, no united family, no friends, not even a successful schooling. All he had left was sport.
You'll always be a lonely king, Tobio, he thought as he fell asleep, Kunimi's words resurfacing in his mind. The only person who cared for you is dead.
Accept it.