Archive of Our Own

"If you asked me to, I'd leave him for you."

"..."

"Is that... what you want?"

"... Is it what you want?"

"I... No. I mean, yes. I mean... It's just... we do this every time, so..."

Clothes scattered on the floor, pillows and blankets recklessly tossed aside, hotel furniture knocked askew or shoved aside in haste.

"..."

"Should we... stop?"

"I don't want to stop."

"So then... I should leave him. Shouldn't I?"

"..."

"Is that... That's what you want, isn't it?"

"Only... only if it's what you want."

"I...I want this. I've always wanted it. But you never..."

"..."

"I don't want to hurt him. I do love him, you know. It's just... he's not you."

"..."

"I... I should just do it, shouldn't I? It's not fair to him and it's not fair to me and it's not fair to you."

"..."

"So this is happening, right? We're doing this?"

"What do we do?"

"I'll... I'll tell him. Straight out. On Friday. And then I'll meet you at the airport. You know that coffee cart they have before security?"

"I know it."

"I'll meet you there. On Friday. At four. You'll... you'll be there, won't you?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Okay!"

A brief kiss. It always ended that way.

"I'll see you on Friday."

"Friday."

~*~ One Year Later ~*~

"The gymnasium you'll be playing in is through that door. I'd show it to you, but the camera crews are still getting set up. Through here is the locker room, you'll see it meets all the standards set in your contract. Only four of the other players will ever be in this space at the same time, you have my personal guarantee on that."

Another distant city, another day in the off season. Tobio followed along behind his guide dutifully, looking where he was directed to look, nodding whenever he was smiled at, the explanations registering as little more than background noise, like the crowd at a stadium on game day. If there was something special or unique about this exhibition game, his agent would explain it right before it happened. Otherwise, he'd treat this like any other game.

"If you're up for a little meet and greet, the kids would sure love to see you at the fundraiser before the game," the guide said, turning back with a smile. Tobio nodded on autopilot. "And if you wouldn't mind, before you head to the hotel for the night, I'll ask you to sign the volleyball we'll be raffling off between sets."

The guide came to a stop, smiling widely as he rocked on his heels, giving Tobio an expectant look. Tobio gazed back blankly before he realized the guide was waiting for something. He looked around, spotting his agent coming up behind them with his eyes glued to his phone. Seeming to sense the silence, the agent looked up from his phone, put on a bright smile and tucked his phone into a pocket.

"Well, it looks like everything is set for the game tomorrow!" he said brightly. "Did you have any questions, Kageyama-kun?"

"No," Tobio replied. Then he changed his mind. "How much time will I have to warm up?"

"The gym will be completely set up for two hours before the game," the guide said quickly. "I suppose you'll need a little time to get used to your team for tomorrow, eh? But you've played with some of them before, haven't you?"

Tobio shrugged. "Some of them." Actually, he'd played against most of them, unless there had been any last-minute roster changes, which happened sometimes with these exhibitions. Not everyone took charity games seriously. Tobio didn't necessarily take them all that seriously, either, but his agent seemed to think it was good for his image and Tobio didn't really care either way. It was volleyball and that was enough.

"Well, if that's everything..." The guide trailed off, looking from Tobio to his agent with that air of expectancy again. Tobio stared back blankly until the man clapped his hands together. "Great! I'll just have you sign that volleyball and you can be on your way to the hotel. Do you know where you're going?"

"Our driver knows," the agent said as the guide went to retrieve a ball from a glass display case. "I'll ask her to bring the car around if we're through here. Just a moment."

The guide pressed a solid white volleyball into Tobio's hands before holding out a black marker to him. Tobio rotated the ball in his hands, thinking first how he hated playing with white balls, and second noting the signatures already scrawled upon the surface. Counting the names, it looked as if Tobio had been the last player to arrive and get the tour, but that was normal. He was usually the last to arrive to these events. And often the first to leave. His manager said that when it came to personal publicity, “more was less” but Tobio often felt it was because he wasn’t very good with reporters, fans, or just people in general.

Before Tobio could find a blank space to add his name, the tail of a flourish caught his eye. His breath caught as he slowly turned the ball to see the signature in its entirety. It couldn't be...could it? He would have known, wouldn't he? Surely this didn't say what it looked like it said... Time seemed to slow, the world lost its color, and for the space of a heartbeat, the only two things that were real was the volleyball in his hands and the signature that beamed up at him as bright as neon.

"...yama-kun? Kageyama-kun?"

Tobio felt someone's hand on his shoulder, shaking him. When he looked up, the guide looked quizzically concerned and his agent looked simply annoyed.

"Stay with us, Kageyama-kun," the agent said with forced cheerfulness. "Don't mind him, he gets like this after traveling sometimes. Just needs a good meal, that's all. Go ahead and sign the ball so we can pick up something for you to eat."

"This one." Tobio pointed to the signature. "Is he hear? Today? Now?"

"That one?" The guide frowned, squinting at the messy scrawl. "Oh, yes, he was on the reserve list. We were quite grateful he was able to make it on such short notice. One of the other players had to back out suddenly for some emergency or other."

"Sign the ball, Kageyama-kun," his agent insisted, pressing the marker into his hand. "You'll get to see all your friends tomorrow and play a nice game of volleyball. Not too nice." He flashed his stark white teeth in a grin. "These are only high school students you'll be playing, after all."

"They did win nationals last year," the guide pointed out, still watching Tobio with concern. "But yes, perhaps you could go easy on the serves just a bit? I think that would help them think they stand a fighting chance."

Tobio was barely listening to the two men talk. His world had narrowed to a single focal point and for once, that focal point was actually smaller than the ball in his hands.

"Where is he?" Tobio asked, still staring pointedly at the signature. "Are we staying at the same hotel?"

"Er..." A silence Tobio didn't understand, but wasn't unnatural in his everyday interactions with people. "I would have to check. We made all of our accommodations through that hotel, but there were a few players who opted to get their own rooms elsewhere."

"You have his number, don't you, Kageyama-kun?" His agent's voice took on a strained quality, a tone Tobio was used to hearing but didn't know how to deal with, so he ignored it. "Sign the ball and then you can call him to find out where he's staying. Hurry up so we can get some dinner."

The ball had plenty of open spaces on it, but Tobio scrawled his signature just below the messy one. For some reason, when one of his pen strokes crossed a line on the other signature, he envisioned a smile as bright as sunshine, framed by backlit, orange curls. His heartrate slowly ramped up inside his chest, building up into a drum roll. The second his signature was finished, his agent plucked both the ball and the marker from his hands, giving both over to their tour guide.

"We'll see you tomorrow!" the agent called, one hand on Tobio's shoulder, steering him out of the building. It felt like a tug on a phantom limb as his vision snapped away from the signature on the ball. A few more parting pleasantries were exchanged, then Tobio found himself being packed inside the backseat of a town car.

"Why not give your friend a call?" his agent suggested as he took a seat up front. "Mind you don't stay out too late getting drinks or anything. But look who I'm talking to, eh?"

He laughed, but Tobio didn't get the joke. If he ever stayed out late doing too much of anything, it was practicing his serves and tosses. He didn't drink, though he'd held up flutes of champagne for photos sometimes. That didn't count, did it?

All those thoughts were crowded out of his head as he dug his phone out of his pocket and stared down at it. Should he call? Or text? Was it...allowed? Why hadn't he gotten a call? This trip had been publicly announced, it was all over his social media accounts that Tobio was going to be at this event. So if he'd known...why hadn't he called?

Tobio spent the entire car ride staring down at his phone, internally debating over whether or not it was okay to call. He didn't even realize the car had stopped until his agent pulled his door open, making him look up with a questioning blink.

"You didn't say anything when we stopped for food so I got you a sandwich." The manager held up a plastic bag. "You can pick it apart like you usually do, just make sure you eat something. I've already arranged to have the hotel deliver your usual game day breakfast to your room in the morning."

"Thank you." Tobio accepted the bag as he climbed out of the car. When had they stopped for food?

"The hotel does have a small tennis court that you can use for practice, but don't stay up too late." Tobio often wondered why his agent didn't just record this speech and play it off his phone, he gave it so many times. "Your bags are already in your room, but shoot me a text if you need anything."

"Okay." The bag of food felt heavy. Tobio didn't mind pulling the ingredients out of the bread to eat them, but he hoped the sandwich wasn't loaded with condiments: that could upset his digestion.

"Do you need anything right now?" the agent, tipping his face so it looked like he was looking up from his phone but, really, he wasn't. Another rote question that didn't usually get much of a response.

Tobio looked around, recognizing the courtyard just outside the hotel. He felt his pocket for his room key, confirming he had it. There wasn't anything he should need, but...he desperately wanted to ask his agent's advice about calling someone, when a broken promise lay between the both of them, like a dropped ball between them, both of them assuming the other would get it. Could you call someone when you thought they might hate you? Could you call someone you loved when they loved someone else? Was there a rulebook for phone calls, or relationships, or just life in general?

The drawn out pause actually did make his agent look up from his phone with a frown. "Are you feeling alright, Kageyama-kun? This is only an exhibition match; if you're not feeling one hundred percent, you can still choose to sit out."

"No, I want to play." It was the off season, of course he wanted to play. He didn't get many chances this time of year, even if it was only against a high school team. His next exhibition game wasn't for almost a month, he was getting itchy for a game that wasn't just practice. And he understood volleyball. Sometimes, it felt like life only made sense when he was standing in the middle of the court. It was everything off the court that confused him. "I'm fine. I don't need anything."

"Okay, then." His agent still looked doubtful. "If you don't need me, I'll see you in the morning."

"I'll probably jog in the morning."

His agent nodded. That was a familiar response. "Don't get lost." Yeah, that happened sometimes. His agent turned and walked into the hotel's lobby. Tobio followed for a few steps, then stopped, looking down at his phone again.

He might be here. In this very hotel. Or he might be at another hotel nearby. Did that make it okay to call? Or did that make it extra not-okay to call? He wanted to call. Wanted to hear his voice... But that probably made it not-okay. Didn't it?

He would have called if it was okay, Tobio rationalized, finally putting his phone away. Which means it's not okay for me to call.

That seemed right. Actually, it felt wrong, but sometimes that was the metric Tobio used to gauge social interactions. His instincts were usually wrong, so he leaned into what personally felt wrong and usually landed somewhere in the range of "acceptable by normal standards." At least, that was how his agent described it once.

He looked up just as the lobby doors of the hotel opened from the inside.

And immediately lost his breath.

"Hey, Kageyama!" After all these years, that bright smile still stole the air from Tobio's lungs. "What happened? Were you on the phone just now?"

"Yeah." Technically true. A stalled thought, a stuttered heartbeat. "Hey."

Hinata Shoyo only beamed at him. It was dark out, but somehow that smile seemed brighter than the orange-tinted lights on the walkway up to the hotel. He looked good, too--tan, with sun-brightened streaks in his orange hair. He had a hooded sweater on, but wore gym shorts. Those powerfully muscled legs threatened to steal Tobio's focus, except for one thing--the only more important thing--tucked casually under Hinata's arm.

A volleyball.

"Where are you going?" Tobio asked, almost sure he already knew the answer.

"Out to the tennis court." Hinata looked jubilant. "You wanna toss a few for me?"

God in heaven, were more blessed words ever spoken? "Yeah."

Hinata talked cheerfully as he walked around the corner of the hotel, talking about how he'd gotten the call to join the exhibition at the last minute, and what their old high school teammates were up to lately, and a funny story about a cat that stole his lunch at an airport. Tobio followed behind, nodding as he listened more to the voice than the words. It had been a year since last he'd heard it. Hinata was loud and sometimes used nonsense words, but somehow it was still like a balm on Tobio's skinned-knee soul. He realized he was carrying something in his hand that wasn't volleyball-related and dropped it in the nearest trashcan. He didn't think it had been important.

The tennis court was surrounded by a twenty-foot-high chain link fence, ostensibly to keep the tennis balls from bouncing out, but it wasn’t nearly high enough to keep a volleyball from bouncing out. Tobio noted that, as well as the dimensions of the court as he stretched out and limbered up. After Hinata tossed off his hoodie, he began stretching as well. Their eyes met while Hinata sank low in a lunge and Tobio pulled an arm over his chest.

For one burning instant, Tobio thought they were going to talk about it.

The last time.

But then Hinata looked away, breaking the contact.

"How've you been, Kageyama?"

"Fine." No, that probably wasn't enough. Hinata had been talking the whole time, surely Tobio had more to add. "I visited my sister last week. She's good."

"I'm glad!" Hinata looked sincere about that, too. "My sister's on her high school volleyball team now. If you're ever in town while she's playing, you should go watch!"

"Okay." He'd only ever met Hinata's younger sister in passing. She had the same smile as he did. "If you want, my sister could cut your hair. For money. Or I could pay, I guess."

It was bad when Tobio knew he sounded awkward--often he couldn't tell the difference, but this time it was clear even to him. But Hinata only laughed. Not cruelly or nervously, no. It was that sweet bell of a laugh that Tobio somehow equated to the first whistle of every game, the whistle that launched the first serve. The laugh that made him feel like he was soaring, rather than the ball.

When they finished stretching, Hinata tossed the ball straight up overhead before dropping into a receiving stance, working on a few self-receives. "Want to do some drills before we start, Kageyama? It wouldn't do anyone any good if we pulled a muscle before practicing."

"Yeah." They were both in good shape and Tobio suspected Hinata trained even more than he did, but he didn't mind practicing a few passes. Hinata bumped him the ball and Tobio bumped it back, settling into the exact same rhythm that had ruled their three years in high school together. From Hinata, to Tobio, then back again. Everything always started making sense once Tobio held a volleyball in his hands, but everything just...clicked better when he was playing with Hinata. Like sounds, colors, even smells were sharper. Even this poorly lit tennis court felt alive with electricity and excitement. Not that he could ever verbalize such a thing. What if Hinata didn't understand what he was trying to say?

Tobio caught the ball after about ten minutes of passing drills. "How do you want to practice spiking?"

"I thought we'd pretend the tennis net is the volleyball net," Hinata said, hooking a thumb over his shoulder. "I'll run at a diagonal, since the court is smaller. You can visualize how high the net should be, right?"

Of course he could. He did that type of mental training everywhere: late at night in his apartment, while eating at restaurants, or even in airport terminals. He could visualize a net anywhere and know how high he'd have to set in order to make it over. Visualizing blockers was usually a bit harder, though.

Hinata took the ball from Tobio's hand as he walked to back of the tennis court. Tobio caught the scent of oranges and just a hint of sweat. The night was cool, but they had been passing for a while and there wasn't much of a breeze. But Hinata's shirt wasn't stuck to his skin yet, which meant they hadn't been working hard enough. Not yet, at least. Hinata tossed the ball, then ran up to the too-low net. The sound of that first spike sent a shot of euphoria straight into Tobio's spine.

This space right here was heaven.

Tobio couldn't say how long they practiced for, it all just became a blur for him, tossing slides and feints and that freak-quick they'd been pulling off since high school. For that space of time, the backdrop of the tennis court fell away and, in its place, stood the golden memory of their high school gym. It was so clear in Tobio's head, he could see the slant of sunlight coming in through the windows, feel the breeze coming in from the doorway, he could even smell the constant aromas of rubber and wood varnish, ever-present in those memories. He couldn't complain about life as a professional volleyball player, but sometimes he felt that if he could have hit "pause" on those high school days and lived in them forever, he would have. Life was simple back then, and simple was Tobio's perfection.

Hinata jumped and caught the next toss, rather than spiking it down. He turned, still grinning brightly, but his face was covered in sweat, the front of his shirt stuck to his chest in a wide wet spot. "We should probably save something for the game tomorrow, right, Kageyama? I know I have to sleep, or else you'll spend the whole game yelling at me instead of tossing to me!"

He was probably going to end up yelling at Hinata regardless, but that didn't diminish the quality of their time together. Hinata was one of the first people to yell back without it impacting their style of play, nor their relationship. Sometimes, yelling was just how they communicated. Hinata never seemed to take it personally and neither did Tobio.

"I'll still toss to you," Tobio confirmed, agreeing that it was probably time to end the session. He might have continued except he was feeling particularly hollow inside. When was the last time he'd eaten?

"What floor are you on?" Hinata asked, grabbing his hoodie off the ground before leading the way back to the hotel.

Tobio checked the card in his pocket. "Sixth."

"I'm on the fourth." Hinata smiled over his shoulder. "Are you going running in the morning?"

"Yeah."

"Great! Send me a text and I'll join you."

Tobio's stomach sank. That wasn’t how things usually worked between them. They never needed to send each other texts in the morning, because… Because.

But things were different now. They had to be, right? After the last time they’d seen each other, and the broken promise that lay between them…

Tobio shook his head slightly. He didn't want those thoughts to ruin this right now. If he did, they’d have to talk about it. And as long as they were getting along so well—training and making plans—it seemed like a bad idea to bring it up.

How do you bring something like that up, anyway? Tobio wondered, squinting as his eyes adjusted to the hotel's brass-colored light. Do I just ask? Or do I pretend it never happened? Can we just go back to the way we used to be? Or is it all different since...

Since the airport. Since their broken promise. Since the reason they didn't speak anymore.

Hinata didn't say anything on the elevator ride up to his floor, but he didn't look uncomfortable, either. He swiped sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand and pinched the front of his shirt to pull it away from his chest. His expression looked pleasant. Peaceful. For a moment, Tobio could almost imagine he'd made up that conversation between the two of them a year ago. Except his imagination rarely worked like that.

When the elevator door slid open, Tobio was at a loss. Do I follow him? Will he be mad if I do? Will he be mad if I don't? Should I just invite him to my room? But what if he gets mad? I don't want it to affect our game tomorrow.

"Hey, Kageyama?" Hinata braced a forearm against the elevator door, holding it open, but keeping his back towards Tobio.

Tobio felt his stomach flip. Why wouldn't he turn around? Were they finally going to talk about it? About what happened a year ago?

"I... Are you mad? About what happened?"

"..."

Hinata's posture sagged a little bit. "I know I...probably should have called you, but I thought if I heard your voice it would--Agh! I'm such a coward."

Tobio could only watch as Hinata dropped his head low.

"You have every right to be mad at me, Kageyama. So if you are...it's okay. I'm the one who said I would leave him, I'm the one who said we could run away." Hinata's voice trembled. "And then I didn't show up at the airport, like we agreed. I know it's not enough but...I'm sorry."

"You don't..." Tobio reached out but then drew his hand back, not sure how to offer comfort. This was uncomfortable. All he wanted was for this feeling to go away. "I’m not mad. I didn’t show up at the airport, either."

"You didn't?" Hinata spun around, eyes wide with shock. "You didn't know that I backed out? But then...why didn't you call me? It's been...almost a year now, hasn't it?"

A little more than a year, actually. "I thought you were mad. That I didn't show." Tobio looked away. "I heard you were still with Atsumu. I thought that if I called...I'd mess things up for you."

"I...never told him." Hinata smiled ruefully. "He never found out that I...I almost left him. I don't think he knows that we...that sometimes we, um..."

Hooked up. A lot. Almost every time they were in the same city. Sometimes even when they happened to be in cities within driving distance of each other. Just after high school. Since Hinata and Atsumu had become A Thing. They'd never talked about it, never brought it up. There had been a silent agreement never to mention it while they were taking each other's clothes off behind locked doors. Like clockwork, every single morning they woke up together Hinata would say something like "We have to stop doing this," but he never specifically mentioned Atsumu. And it never stopped the next time from happening, either.

Well, at least until the last time. When Hinata said he'd leave him.

That hadn't exactly worked out, though.

"So...we're both cowards then, aren't we?" Hinata chuckled, but it sounded thin. Forced. It wasn't Hinata's real laugh. The laugh that brought light into the world. "I guess we've been avoiding each other for nothing then."

"Yeah. I guess so."

"It’s probably a good thing though," Hinata mused. “I guess it means we’ve both move on, so we don’t have to—Ah!” Hinata jumped as the elevator started making an angry buzzing noise from having the door held open for too long. "Ah, sorry, Kageyama!" Hinata jumped out of the elevator, finally letting the doors slide closed. "I'll see you tomorrow! At the game!"

Tobio started to reach out, wanting to hold the doors open just a little longer, wishing the moment hadn't had to end. Or, rather, wishing he could have changed the way it ended. But he held himself back. He hadn’t avoided calling Hinata for a year because he hadn’t wanted to go back to the way things were; he’d thought Hinata was upset with him. And it wasn’t as if Hinata had made any effort to contact him, either. Now that they’d talked about it, couldn’t they just… But no. Hinata didn’t want to. Maybe they were finally finished this time. No more sneaking around behind teammates' backs, no more making up excuses for why they were always in each other's hotel rooms. Hinata really did love Atsumu; Tobio had never doubted that. So maybe their year-long hiatus had changed things. For the better.

For Hinata's better, anyway.

Tobio didn't sleep well that night. He felt itchy and empty and a little sick, so it was a relief when he could finally give up and pull on a track suit to go for a run. He tried waiting until a slightly more decent hour to text Hinata, like he'd asked, but he ended up sending the text around five-thirty, rather than waiting for six am. Hinata answered anyway, asking for ten minutes. Tobio went down and stretched in the courtyard just outside the hotel.

Hinata arrived fifteen minutes later, still yawning and sleepy-eyed, but he was smiling nonetheless. They set to jogging almost wordlessly, stopping only when they were too lost to find their way back and had to search for the hotel on their phones. Tobio's agent was waiting for him in the hotel lobby and dragged him back upstairs for breakfast while Hinata went to eat at the complimentary buffet after a cheerful "See you at the game later!"

Somehow, Tobio's agent guessed that he hadn't eaten the night before and stood over him while he ate his breakfast, then ordered Tobio to go take a shower and get cleaned up. Apparently there were going to be photos with the high school students he'd be playing against, so he couldn't just be game-ready, he had to look show-ready. His agent even took the time to cover the circles under Tobio's eyes with cream and makeup as he talked about the day's order of events.

Sometimes, Tobio wished he was just an average league player, the way Hinata was. Hinata--and most other players, really--didn't get agents that were basically high-priced babysitters who saw to their player's every need. But not only was Tobio a genius and a star player, he often needed that extra guidance, or else he'd show up late to team practices and forget about his mandatory allotment of public appearances and product endorsements. He got paid more than average volleyball players, which supposedly made up the difference for living a "managed" life instead of a more carefree life. If Tobio actually did anything with his money, then maybe that would matter more. As it was, most of his money was either being managed for him in an aggressive growth portfolio, or was donated to specific causes that supported his image.

Maybe all that mattered to some people, but money couldn't buy more time on the court: that could only be earned by practice and dedication.

Which was why Tobio agreed to almost every exhibition game that was pitched to him in the off season.

The downside was that most exhibition games came with a side of public relations. Sometimes so much so that Tobio felt like he spent more time posing for pictures and shaking hands than actually playing volleyball, much to his personal frustration. At least this time, the game was supposed to be a whole set, rather than a single match. Although, it probably wasn't right to expect too much from the game. It wasn't that he was underestimating high school students, no. It was that most of his professional peers tended to go easy in such games and wouldn't try as hard as they would in a real match.

Hinata would play for real, though.

Hinata would soar.

After what seemed to be an endless photo session, Tobio finally got to go get ready for the game. Most of the people on the exhibition team were people he had played with in these types of games before--just like Tobio, most of them liked staying sharp in the off-season. A few were new, but Tobio knew them from the league, or at least by their player stats, in the case of the very few college volleyball players. The only former teammate (although never professionally) was Hinata. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, depending on how it was viewed) Hinata wasn't in the locker room as Tobio changed into a borrowed school's jersey and athletic shorts for the game. He didn't really get a chance to see Hinata at all until the both of them were warming up on the court, just prior to the game.

Normally, Tobio did try to temper his play style in these meaningless games. His agent always coached him to give the other team "a fighting chance," because that was better publicity, but Tobio didn't really know how to play less than his best. He still tossed his best sets and left the scoring up to his teammates; as per his manager, he was no longer allowed to make points off of setter dumps, and he wasn't allowed to make jump-serves as they were often impossible to pick up. Tobio didn't really understand the point: his team almost always won anyway (except for once or twice against college-level championship-winning teams, and maybe a few times in overseas matches) so he didn't really understand the "fighting chance" coaching.

But today was different.

Today, for the first time in a very long time, Tobio was playing with Hinata.

And he planned on enjoying it.

The unofficial captain of the exhibition team called everyone in to a huddle and Tobio heard none of it because Hinata's shoulder was pressed against his. Someone had to point him to his position on the court afterwards. But after that...after that, it was glorious. Hinata's smile was radiant, his jumps left the earth far beneath him, the sound of his spikes resonated through Tobio's very core.

How was it possible to miss one person so much that your heart both ached and sang every time you saw them?

How was it possible that that very person didn't feel the exact same way back?

In between sets, Tobio toweled sweat off his face and downed a bottle of water, his eyes never leaving Hinata's as their teammates slapped his shoulders and congratulated his plays. For some reason, that moment sent him back to another one, after one of the very first exhibition matches he'd ever played as a professional. It had been at a college in the Hyogo Prefecture and not only had Hinata attended as a spectator, but so had the Miya twins and a few others from the old Inarizaki team. Afterwards, they had all gone out for drinks like they were old friends. Tobio spent the whole time trying not to stare at Hinata and Atsumu, but instead failed miserably.

"Do you miss him?" Miya Osamu asked, dropping into a bar stool next to Tobio. "Or do you just miss tossing to him?"

"Is there a difference?" Tobio had asked, genuinely curious.

Osamu shrugged. "I think there's a difference between missing an old teammate and missing an old boyfriend. It hits different."

Tobio heard Hinata's laugh and turned towards the sound. "I guess I just miss tossing to him. He isn't an old boyfriend."

Osamu's brows snapped together. "You two never dated in high school?"

"No." Why? Was that something Hinata said?

"Huh." Osamu sipped his drink and shrugged. "I guess I just figured you guys dated. Atsumu complained about you constantly that year he spent texting Hinata. I thought you two were fighting because you'd broken up or something."

Atsumu had spent a year texting Hinata? When had that happened? "I don't think we were fighting. That's just how we talk."

"Ah." Osamu didn't look satisfied, but he didn't press any further. "My mistake, then."

Back to the present, the teams were lining up on the court again. Tobio pushed himself up and caught the ball gently lobbed to him. His turn to serve, then. He took a deep breath to clear his mind, adjusted his stance for a gentle serve, then caught sight of Hinata grinning at him and served directly into the net. The crowd laughed and so did his teammates. Oh well. At least he could chalk that one up to "giving the other team a fighting chance."

Once he found the rhythm of the game again, Tobio forgot all about his missed serve. Once again, the world narrowed to that single most perfect set and the sweet sound of Hinata connecting and the resounding Boom! as the ball slammed into the court floor. They won the second set handily, though Tobio distinctly heard a few of his teammates grumble about not getting enough tosses. Too bad for them; they weren't the ace of this team.

Although, technically, neither was Hinata.

The end of the game signaled another round of photos and questions from the opposing team. Tobio found himself cornered by the team's setter who wanted to know all about Tobio's practice habits and by the time his agent came to free him, Hinata had already showered and changed. Tobio hurried to change, too, but in the shuffle of local reporters, high school students begging for autographs, and the fundraising auction that had begun in the gymnasium, Tobio lost track of Hinata. Most of the other professional players left, but Tobio's agent kept him there longer "for the publicity" he claimed, but hadn't Tobio fulfilled that requirement already? All he wanted to know was if Hinata was going to be back at the hotel or not.

It wasn't until Tobio was seated in the town car that he was allowed to check his phone. His insides felt frozen and curdled when he saw there were no new messages on it. Hinata wasn't still waiting for him somewhere inside that gym, was he? Or...had he really just left? Without saying anything? Without a message? Where did that leave them? What did it mean for them?

They'd talked, hadn't that? Did Hinata feel like everything that needed to had already been said? What if Tobio had something to say about it?

Did he have anything to say about it?

Probably nothing he'd be able to convey properly. He'd never figured out how to put what he wanted to say into words. But...Hinata had always seemed to come the closest to understanding him.

"I'll send dinner up when it arrives," his agent said as they stepped out of the town car. "Make sure you actually eat this time. I know athletes are always worried about staying in shape, but trust me, you have nothing to worry about, Kageyama-kun."

"Yeah." He wasn't worried about staying in shape; he was worried about whether he was going to see Hinata again.

"Everything you need for recovery--compression wraps to ice--should be up in your room already." His agent was tapping on his phone, probably already booking the flight to their next exhibition game. "But you let me know if I can send anything else up."

"Yeah." Can you send Hinata up? Is that something you can order on your phone for me?

"Our flight leaves just before noon tomorrow, so there's plenty of time for you to jog beforehand." Tobio followed his agent into the hotel, but he wasn't paying attention to anything he said. He was looking around, hopeful that Hinata might be waiting nearby with a volleyball again. It seemed almost cruel to find only strangers' faces in the hotel lobby. "It's a longer flight, so make sure you're not going to fidget the whole time. I'd say bring a book, but we both know how that turns out."

Tobio walked directly into his agent's shoulder, huffing softly in surprise. His agent actually looked up from his phone, something like confused concern on his face.

"Are you alright?" The man looked him over as if truly focusing on Tobio for the first time that day. "Your form was on point today, which usually puts you in a better mood than this. Is something bothering you? Is it your stomach?"

"No." Something was bothering him, but it wasn't his stomach.

"Okay." His agent continued to study him closely. "You got to play with your friend, didn't you? The one you were excited to see?"

Tobio's stomach dropped. Had he been that obvious? How could that have meant so much to him, yet so little to Hinata? "Yeah."

"Hm." The elevator door dinged and both boarded the little car. "Well, get some rest. You worked hard for only playing a high school team. Remember to eat."

Tobio was thankful that the silence remained until he got to his room and pulled the door closed behind him. Just as his agent said, there was a game after-care kit set near his bed, ready to help him relax and recharge his body after a game, but he kicked it aside and flopped down onto the bed, holding his phone out in front of him.

If he did have something to say to Hinata, what would he say? The words had never come out right before, so there was no reason to think they would come now. But still... Tobio wished they would. But no matter how many times he jumbled up the words, the feelings, the wants in his head, they never came out clear. Did he want Hinata to leave Atsumu? Was it right to want that? If Hinata did leave Atsumu, then what? Wouldn't they both be pariahs in the world of professional volleyball? But did that matter so much, really? They both had aspirations to play in the world league, they didn't necessarily have to stay here in Japan. It would only ever be a problem int he Olympics, and even then, only if they retained their citizenship. Tobio was willing to go through all of that, if it meant he'd walk away with Hinata. But could he ask that of Hinata?

No. More than likely not.

After all, Hinata hadn't actually left Atsumu, that day over a year ago. He'd thought he could but in the end...

A knock at the door roused Tobio from staring at his phone. That would likely be dinner: noodles in a light broth, a side of protein and a large salad. As predictable as it was easy to digest. His agent might feel like a babysitter at times, but he was good with consistency. Tobio liked consistency. No nuances to figure out when everything was the same, predictable--

"Hey, Kageyama." Hinata with a volleyball under his arm. Standing outside of Tobio's room.

Tobio's brain crashed. This was not normal. Hold on, rebooting sequence initiated.

"I thought you might come down to the tennis court again to do a few more tosses." Hinata looked sheepish. When did Hinata ever look sheepish? "You know, like we used to... Anyway, I ran into your agent in the lobby. He asked if I would bring this up to you." He held up a delivery bag of food, which Tobio hadn't even noticed he was holding. "You don't have to invite me in or anything, I can just leave this and--"

Tobio grabbed Hinata's wrist as he swung the bag inside the doorway. For a full minute, all he could think about was how warm Hinata's skin was. How could he have forgotten their old ritual? They almost always met up for a few tosses after their exhibition games. It was almost like...foreplay, in a sense. Had it been so long that Tobio had forgotten? Or had it been something intentional that his subconscious had hid from memory?

Did any of that matter, so long as Hinata was here now?

"You can come in," Tobio said, still holding Hinata's wrist. "I'm sorry I forgot the extra tosses. We can go back down to the tennis court if you want."

"Nah, it's fine." Hinata grinned but something about it seemed...off. "It's kind of late, anyway. Did you want your dinner?"

"Yes." No. Tobio wasn't sure if Hinata was resisting being pulled into the room or if he was even pulling at all. "Did you want to come in?"

There was a breathless moment between them and an expression even Tobio could read crossing Hinata's face: indecision.

"If you...want me to?"

"If you want to."

“I shouldn’t.” Hinata set the bag down inside the door, letting it close behind him. "But I do."

The second the door was closed, Tobio yanked Hinata in closer, only letting go when he could wrap his arms around Hinata's shoulders. A firm, callused hand gripped the back of Tobio's neck and hauled his face downward, brown eyes meeting his once before hot lips claimed his in a kiss. Tobio pushed him backwards, until Hinata's back fetched up against the door, never breaking the kiss. He drowned his fingers in brilliant orange hair, traced his thumbs over sun-warm cheekbones, felt Hinata's heartbeat match with his through their chests.

Tobio felt like he'd been starving for a full year and found his first meal in that kiss. It held a desperate quality, a longing he'd never been able to put into words. Like the only full breath he ever drew was through Hinata's lungs, like the only flavor was the one he found inside Hinata's mouth. He held onto Hinata's shoulders, pinning him back against the door, taking everything he wanted in that kiss, that long-overdue kiss.

All too soon, Hinata closed his fist in the front of Tobio's shirt and pushed him back. The kiss broke and Tobio surged forward for another one, not caring how breathless he felt. Hinata laughed and pushed him again, driving him backwards with little stops to keep kissing. Tobio felt the backs of his knees connect with the mattress and plopped down, pulling Hinata to him to keep kissing him. Was Hinata hungry for this, too? Was he as desperate for this contact, this rush, as Tobio was?

Or was this what Hinata got from Atsumu every day?

If it was, Tobio wondered, then why did Hinata come to him for it, too?

Hinata grabbed the sides of Tobio's shirt and pulled it off over his head. Tobio shook back his ruffled hair and grabbed for Hinata's shirt, but Hinata had already set one knee over Tobio's thigh on the bed and tilted his head, kissing the side of his neck and the hollow of his throat. Tobio's eyes fell shut, hands clutched in the fabric of Hinata's tanktop, ripples of pleasure radiating out from every place where Hinata touched him. No one ever touched him like this--no one ever touched him, period. Personal trainers and physical therapists might touch his skin, or manipulate his body, but no one else's touch warmed him through and through like sunlight. No one else made him feel the victory of a tournament championship.

Only Hinata.

In these brief, stolen moments.

"C'mon, Kageyama," Hinata teased, leaning back. His eyes were sparkling, his lips red and wet. "You're not tired already, are you? Tired-yama-kun."

Kageyama grabbed the front of Hinata's shirt, twisted the fabric around his fist and yanked it up over Hinata's head, toss those orange curls into disarray. He cupped his other hand over the back of Hinata's neck and pulled him down, hard, as he threw himself down flat on the bed. Hinata crashed on top of him, laughing and kissing and squirming as they each fought to get out of their pants. Hinata rolled onto his back, fighting with his twisted gym shorts while Tobio arched his back and rolled his track pants down. He pushed himself up and rolled over on top of Hinata, grabbing a fistful of curls and turning his head to the side to nip the spot right behind his left ear.

Hinata yelped, hips jumping up off the bed, shorts finally kicked free with spastic knee-jerk. Hands found Tobio's shoulders and pushed him away.

"Careful," Hinata panted, eyes glazed over, breathing heavy.

"I know." They never talked about why they couldn't leave marks on each other's skin, but Tobio knew why. Hinata would be going home to Atsumu, and Tobio often modeled in the off-season. Tobio wouldn't have cared if Hinata left marks all over his body: what was a single canceled modeling gig? But Hinata...Hinata could lose his life partner. Maybe there was a slight temptation in that, but Tobio had seen Hinata heartbroken before. Never in love, no, but it was enough knowing what Hinata looked like after losing a championship game. If heartbreak was worse, then Tobio never wanted to see it.

Besides, how could he wish the feeling in his own chest on anyone, let alone Hinata?

It had been so long since the last time they'd been like this that Tobio found himself pausing to stare at odd moments. He pulled back from a kiss just to watch the tendons of Hinata's throat stand out against his skin as he arched up to reach for the broken kiss. He smoothed a curl just to watch it bounce back. He ran a hand down Hinata's side, curling in his fingertips at the last moment, just to hear Hinata laugh from being tickled. He wanted to remember everything about this moment. Everything that lay between them.

Because this only existed now, here, in this impersonal room.

They'd never have anything outside of a room like this one.

"Is everything alright?" Hinata asked, blinking up at him, his head on a pillow. "Something wrong?"

Tobio shook his head. "No. I missed you."

Hinata actually blushed as he grinned. "Yeah. I missed you, too. I'm glad we both bailed on the airport that day. I felt really bad, thinking you'd gone when I'd chickened out."

Tobio couldn't speak to that. He didn't know what it had been like for Hinata that past year. Hinata couldn't know what it had been like for him, either.

"Hey, not to slow this down or anything, but, um..." Hinata hedged. "Do you...have anything?"

"Hm? Oh." Tobio pushed himself up from the bed, looking around for his luggage. He had to pull it out of the closet and shove it over before rifling through an inner side pocket containing various toiletry items. It took a minute--what he needed had fallen to the bottom in disuse--but he found it. An unopened tube of lubricant, something he'd gotten used to buying ever since he and Hinata started meeting up like this. He must have gotten a new one right before that promise to meet at the airport. He wouldn't have had a reason to buy one since.

Hinata eased over on the bed, watching as Tobio sat on the edge of the bed, peeling the foil seal off the neck of bottle, then screwing the pop-cap back on. If he thought anything, he didn't say it. Instead, he sat up and draped his arms over Tobio's shoulders from behind, kissing the side of his neck.

"Neh, Kageyama? You mind if I do something first?"

"You can do whatever you want."

He felt Hinata's grin pressed against the side of his face, then Hinata was stepping off the bed. kissing along Tobio's jaw as he circled around to stand in front of him, arms resting loosely on Tobio's shoulders. A final kiss on the lips lingered a moment longer, giving Tobio a moment to toss the lube aside in favor of setting his hands on Hinata's hips. He could still remember every stolen glance in high school locker rooms and shared baths while traveling, could still picture Hinata's body with just that little bit of softness around his hips, in the curve of his arms and especially in his cheeks. While his cheeks were still rounded, the rest of him had turned hard-edged with training. His shoulders were blocky, his waist hard and tight, and his thighs were immense due to all his powerful jumping. His skin was tan now, too, and stood out in stark contrast against Tobio's hands even in the dimly lit hotel room.

Hinata shifted a step back, hand slipping off Tobio's shoulders. His fingers trailed down an arm, catching Tobio's wrist and lifting his hand up to Hinata's lips. With a mischievous smile, Hinata licked the tip of Tobio's index finger.

Tobio felt his breath catch, his arm muscles jerk involuntarily, his cock twitch hard enough to slap his stomach. His hands were his livelihood, each finger insured against injuries sustained both on and off the court. No one touched his hands.

No one except Hinata.

Tobio couldn't breathe--couldn't even think--as Hinata ran his tongue down one finger, then up the next. He drew the digit inside his mouth, sucking lightly at the tip. Tobio felt a shiver run through him but he couldn't take his eyes off the sight. Slightly teasing and highly sensuous, Hinata paid special attention to each finger before kissing Tobio's thumb lightly and giving the same delicate attentions to the opposite hand. The skin of his hands felt tight, warmed from within and without, trembling slightly from the rush of adrenaline that surged through him. When Hinata drew back the final time, a string of saliva connecting his lips to the last finger and when it snapped, Tobio felt like he drew his first full breath since it had started.

"You okay, Kageyama?" Hinata stepped in close, letting Tobio's arms curl around his waist again as he stood between Tobio's seated legs. He ran his hands back through Tobio's hair as he searched his eyes. "You're more quiet than usual."

"I'm fine," Tobio assured him, feeling more vulnerable here than he felt in the moments during his serve on a match-point. "It's been a long time. I missed you."

"Maybe next time..." Hinata said, smiling as his fingers brushed the shell of Tobio's ear. "Let's not wait another year before we do this again."

Is that a promise? Tobio wanted to ask. That we'll do this again? That you won't say "We should stop this" in the morning? That I won't have to wonder if I did something wrong? Or if we're doing something wrong? Will you promise me we can keep going on like this?

But even he knew he couldn't ask any of that. Even the slightest mention of a "next time" was enough to elicit a guilty response from Hinata and second-thoughts about continuing. Tobio couldn't bear it if that happened this time--not when it had been so long. For a whole year he'd wondered if he'd ever be lucky enough to spend another night with Hinata, and now he planned on remembering everything.

Because he knew it would be over all too soon anyway. Why say something that might end it sooner?

Hinata slid slowly down Tobio's body as he settled on his knees, one hand taking Tobio's length and stroking it as he kept their eyes locked. Tobio's hands rested gently on Hinata's shoulders, fingers toying with his curls, kneading the back of his neck.

"You don't have to," Tobio felt he had to say. "We could just...you know."

Hinata smiled, a cruelly erotic sight to see that bright grin right next to his own arousal. "I want to. I want to remember how you taste."

For some reason, it wasn't as sensual as when Hinata toyed with Tobio's fingers, but a blowjob from Hinata definitely wasn't a turn-off. Hinata licked and teased, dragging his hand up and down the length, engorging the member even further until it was a deep purple color, thick and heavy. Only then did he lock eyes again and lean in close. Closer. Opening his mouth wide, but still with a smile in the corners. Tobio got to see the tip of his cock resting on Hinata's tongue before he closed his lips around it and started to suck. Tobio couldn't help the moan that rose from some deep-seated longing in his chest, but he did manage to keep his eyes open. He couldn't risk missing even a second of this.

Hinata dropped his eyes and swallowed Tobio's cock about halfway down, still holding the base loosely and stroking in time as he bobbed his head. Tobio lost one hand in those curls, pulsing his hips shallowly with the rhythm Hinata set. Tobio had never asked for this, it was just something Hinata had asked once if he could try. Tobio had tried reciprocating a few times, but Hinata had always ended up laughing, making Tobio feel like he wasn't doing it right. Or maybe he just didn't do it as good as...someone else did. He didn't want to think too deeply about that just then.

Tobio could feel the added suction on the delicate skin each time Hinata's head bobbed up, felt the pressure and heat every time he sank back down. He could see the hollow of Hinata's cheeks, feel the teasing touch of his tongue running along the ridge of the glans, pressing firmly against the slit. Hinata's hand was picking up speed along with the swallowing motion of his throat. He was taking more and more in, as if trying to swallow down the whole length. And Tobio really didn't want to stop him, except...

"Hinata." Tobio tensed his hands on Hinata's shoulders, exerting light pressure. "Wait. Stop. I can't--"

Hinata looked up, eyebrows lifted in subtle surprise. He let Tobio's cock slide from his mouth and wiped his face with the back of his hand. "Really? Already?"

"Yeah." What did Hinata think? That this was a regular occurrence for Tobio? That pro athletes showed up at his hotel room night after night? Didn't he know he was the only one? "Can you come up here?"

"Yeah, sure." Hinata grabbed a shirt off the floor--Tobio couldn't tell whose it was--and scrubbed the saliva off his chin before climbing into Tobio's lap and kissing him again. "I could have kept going. Wouldn't've have minded if you'd finished."

"I didn't want to. Not yet." Tobio brushed Hinata's hair back, watching the sheen of the light play over every shining strand. He leaned in for another kiss, slow and deep and lingering. "I want to feel you."

Hinata chuckled, cheeks rosy. "You will. Maybe a few times, right?"

Yes, normally their sessions lasted the whole night, with brief intervals of light almost-sleep during refractory periods. And then Hinata was up before the sun, pulling his clothes on and running back to his own room, making Tobio feel like a dirty secret. Another thing he'd never say for fear of ruining all of this.

"Yeah." Tobio wrapped one arm around Hinata's waist as the other groped through the blankets for the lube. "You want to do it this way?"

"No." Hinata got up and pushed Tobio all the way onto the bed before climbing up and straddling his lap again and laying almost on top of him. "Do it this way."

Tobio hummed in agreement, turning his head for a kiss as one hand squeezed Hinata's ass cheek. He fumbled with the lube one-handedly, loathe to give up even a single point of contact between them. He could feel Hinata's erection hot and thick pressed flush against his stomach, his own feeling heavy and slick from both saliva and precum. Digging his fingers into tender flesh, Tobio held Hinata open as he slid his fingers along the crack, coating lightly until he found the little pucker of muscle. Hinata gasped into their kiss, body arching into Tobio's. Tobio took charge of the kiss, invading with his tongue as he pressed in with his finger.

Maybe he wasn't any good at giving a blowjob, but being able to do this didn't make it seem like such a bad trade-off.

Hinata's eyes squeezed shut, tiny mewls of pleasure issuing from his throat as he tried to keep his hips from jerking backwards into Tobio's pressure. When his mouth gaped open in a gasp, Tobio dropped his lips to the pulse point of his neck, tasting the sweat there with a lick or a nip. Hinata's body was fever-warm and more than welcoming, opening and stretching almost greedily. Sinking two fingers inside was only a tiny bit snug and as he moved his fingers, Hinata came open readily. Tobio slid his fingers out almost halfway and spread them wide, moving to different angles while Hinata moaned and gasped into his shoulder, hips gyrating endlessly, helplessly, eager for more. When Tobio slid his fingers in deep, Hinata groaned loudly, the sounds making something that approximated as "Oh God!" Tobio reached deeper, slick fingers sliding over velvet walls that quivered and pulsed around him. When he found the spot he was looking for, Hinata threw his head back, eyes tightly shut, mouth open in a wordless scream, his entire body tightly coiled, as if Tobio held him the split second before he jumped for a spike. Tobio rocked his fingers over that spot, watching the sweat collect and slide down Hinata's throat, tried to memorize the lines between Hinata's eyebrows, the feathering of his nearly transparent eyelashes on his cheek. Hinata rocked back into the pressure almost unconsciously, lost in ecstasy from within.

"O-Oooooh!" Hinata moaned long and loud, shuddering as Tobio worked that button delicately, but masterfully. He'd always been good with his hands and once he'd figured out how to do it right, he became almost obsessed with figuring out how to do it perfect. But really, it was only Hinata's body he knew this well, only gauged his pressure and his motions off of Hinata's reactions. He wasn't sure he'd bother working this hard on anyone else. If there was anyone else. Tobio liked thinking he was the only who heard these sounds out of Hinata, and because of his pride, he'd never ask to learn otherwise.

When he felt Hinata was getting too close, Tobio backed off, easing his fingers out after ensuring that more lube wasn't necessary. Hinata collapsed against his chest, seemingly winded as he panted into the kiss Tobio caught him with. Tobio wiped his fingers discreetly on the bed sheets before reaching around and massaging the globes of Hinata's ass, pulling him tighter against himself, rocking their bodies in time together.

"Kageyama!" Hinata gasped sharply, eyes blown so wide they almost looked black in the light. "Kageyama, please."

Tobio slid his hands up Hinata's sides to his waist. "How?"

"Like...like this." Hinata pulled Tobio up to sitting, kissed him thoroughly, then turned around, setting his hands and knees on the bed and looking back expectantly. Tobio took a minute tracing his hands up the backs of those muscular thighs and over the curves of Hinata's ass before lifting himself up on his knees in preparation of penetration.

In the beginning, they had tried out a few different positions, trying to find what worked for them. In the end, Hinata had settled on this style: ass up, face down. Tobio often wondered if that was just how he preferred it, or if it was just so he didn't have to be reminded that the person he was sleeping with wasn't his boyfriend. When this had been a regular thing between the two of them, Tobio sometimes initiated different positions, trying to switch it up from this normal, but every single time, Hinata had requested a change before they finished, so they always ended in this position. Yet another thing Tobio was afraid to bring up, for fear of learning something he couldn't then un-know.

Tobio slid his hands up Hinata's muscular back, thumbs tracing the divot of his spine as they ranged up to the shoulders, then back down to the hips. He slotted himself in between Hinata's cheeks, memorizing the feel of the cleft pressed against his rigid cock. He watched the way Hinata's trembling gasps rippled the muscles on his sides, the way his shoulder blades stuck out in stark relief, casting shadows on his back. He ran a finger along the tan line where Hinata's shorts blocked the sun. It was a startling difference, like night and day on Hinata's skin. Like a glimpse of high-school-Hinata lurking below this exterior of a professional volleyball player. Like seeing something that might have been, in another life.

"Kageyama," Hinata moaned piteously, rocking back as if he could catch Kageyama's cock with a roll of his hips. "Please! I want it so bad, come on!"

There was a quality in Hinata's voice that recalled the days when he'd been so desperate for a toss, that they made it their signal on the court. "Toss it to me!" That shout still haunted Tobio's dreams sometimes. Maybe if he had tossed to Hinata sooner-- Maybe if he'd accepted Hinata's efforts instead of his accomplishments-- Maybe if he'd ever had the courage to say something...

But that was over now.

There was no use dwelling on the "what ifs."

There was only this. Now.

And Tobio didn't want to lose this again.

He shifted, widening his stance with his knees, kicking Hinata's legs open a little wider, then guided himself inside. Just the tip first, testing to make sure he didn't need more lube first. He moved slowly, holding Hinata's hips to sink inch by inch, eyes half closed as he reveled in the pure sensation, the wave of heat and pressure enveloping him as Hinata's muscles trembled all around him. Hinata's hips jerked, trying to move faster, but Tobio held him firm. He didn't want this to be over quickly.

And he wanted to remember everything.

Hinata was moaning and pleading continuously as Tobio's breathing grew fast and shallow. His body warred against his iron control, urging him to go quicker, to find that release that had been absent for an entire year already. It was almost reluctantly that he let that last inch slip inside Hinata, held his cheeks open and rocked all the way in, pulling their bodies flush. Hinata's toes curled, every muscle in his legs taut and flexed against his skin. His hands were clawed in the sheets and he kept making small whimpering sounds in the back of his throat as his body shivered and adjusted around Tobio's length. An even sheen of sweat covered Hinata's back, making the light hug every edge, every plane. Tobio reached out, touching his fingertips down on Hinata's shoulder, then dragged them lightly downwards, leaving trails behind in the sweat on his skin. Hinata moaned and gasped.

"Please," he panted, hips rocking back in small, stuttered jerks. "Please move. Tobio."

He didn't want to, but he complied. Moving, even a little, meant it would be over soon, and Tobio was in no hurry. But the half-strangled plea using his given name without an honorific wasn't something he could simply ignore. So few people ever used his given name like that that hearing it felt almost as intimate as sex. Tobio had spent his last year of high school wishing Hinata would simply call him "Tobio" but that hadn't happened until nearly a year later--the first time they slept together. He would do anything to hear again and again--even speed up the eventual end of their joining.

But asking for movement didn't necessarily mean to go fast. Tobio withdrew halfway before shifting his weight forward and pushing in again, holding Hinata by his hips to hold him steady. He let his eyes fall half closed, but wouldn't shut them entirely. He wanted to see how Hinata's back expanded as he drew his gasping, uneven breaths. He wanted to see how deep the mattress dimpled beneath Hinata's knees. He wanted to watch as the sweat saturated the short hairs on the back of Hinata's head, turning it a darker shade of red-orange. Above all, he wanted to remember everything about this moment.

"Tobio, c'mon!" Hinata's voice choked on a forced laugh. "I thought you said you were already close?"

"I am." He shifted, trying to rock in even deeper. "That's why I'm going slow."

"Yeah but, like--" Hinata gasped and trembled, back arching as Tobio withdrew. "You could go fast now, that way we have more time to recover and do it again."

No. If anything, he wanted the second time to take even longer. Hinata was usually up for more than one position the second time around and Tobio wanted to take his time remembering all of those, too. "Is it okay if I go slow for a bit? I just want to feel you right now."

Hinata gave a grateful sigh as Tobio pushed in again, muscles rippling all around him. "I guess it's fine. If that's what you need."

"It is."

Tobio set the pace to an almost meditative quality: breathe in, pull out. Breathe out, push in. Slow, languorous, relaxing and deep. Even Hinata seemed to uncoil a little, relaxing into the rhythm and allowing Tobio to push in with a better slide. It even felt like he was going deeper, too. These moments were the perfect ones, the ones where everything else fell away. The only time when Tobio wasn't in his own head, worrying about social interactions or how he was perceived by the public. He wasn't thinking about training or practicing, or how to improve upon his set or his serve. He wasn't even thinking about the morning and the farewell. No, here, in this perfect moment, it was only him, only Hinata and the sensations they created for each other.

On a whim, Tobio stopped, buried to the hilt, then curled over Hinata's back, hands tracing thickly corded biceps down to cover Hinata's hands fisted in the sheets. He kissed the back of Hinata's neck, the highest point he could reach, tasting sweat and desire and something a little tangy, like soap or cologne. He pressed his nose to Hinata's skin and inhaled, breathing in sunlight, laughter and musk. His eyes hurt suddenly, and something in his throat felt like it was choking him.

"Hey." Hinata shook one hand free of the sheets, interlocking his fingers with Tobio's. "Something wrong? You didn't finish did you?"

"No."

Hinata laughed, the muscles of his abdomen rippling around Tobio's cock in a fascinating and shockingly pleasurable pattern. "Good! 'Cause I definitely haven't finished yet." Tobio felt Hinata's fingers tighten around his. "Take your time, Tobio. I'm right here."

Maybe you're here now. But where will you be tomorrow night? Where will you go in the morning? Why have you never held my hand like this before?

He remembered, with perfect clarity, the first time he'd seen Hinata holding Atsumu's hand. Loosely, casually, like it was no big thing. Hinata grinning brightly as he towed Atsumu closer, Atsumu looking almost bored except for that tiny smirk on his face, that smug look he'd shot at Tobio, as if he'd won something. He had, of course, because he was the one holding Hinata's hand while Tobio...Tobio had nobody. Not even a high school championship win. He had offers from professional volleyball teams, sure, but so did Atsumu. No matter how you looked at it, Atsumu had won.

Atsumu got to hold Hinata's hand in public, got to listen to him talk, got to kiss him every morning without fearing the farewell that followed. Got to hold him every night, wake up beside him and ask "What do you want to do today?" They probably watched dumb movies together, went on runs and walks together, and, yeah, they probably practiced tosses and spikes together. Tobio had no idea what couples did together when they were alone, but Atsumu did. And he got to do those things with the one person Tobio wished to share those things with. It didn't seem fair, but in a way, it made a type of sense. After every match, there was a winner and a loser. Atsumu had won. Tobio had lost.

But if he'd lost, then why did Hinata keep coming around like this?

If he asked that, it all might stop, and after the agony of the past year, Tobio couldn't risk it.

"A-Ah!" Hinata seemed to have finally had enough with taking it slow. He'd braced one elbow on the bed, twisted halfway back and pried Tobio's hand off his hip, using the leverage to set his own rhythm--a much faster, one, too. Hinata moaned in relief, his head dropping low between his shoulders as he fucked himself backwards over and over, body trembling with urgency, with need, with desire. Just as his grip on Tobio's hand grew almost painful, he let go and reached beneath himself. Giving in, Tobio matched Hinata's reckless pace, then covered Hinata's hand with his own. He wanted to know when Hinata finished, wanted to know the exact moment ecstasy overcame him, wanted to remember the spill of passion, the heat of his cum. All the little things he'd never paid much attention to, he wanted to know all of them. Even if he couldn't have Hinata every night, at least he could remember every little thing about him and about their time together.

It was a poor substitute, but it was all he would ever have.

Hinata was shouting, his body losing the rhythm he'd set as Tobio took over, slamming home over and over, his hand cupping Hinata's, busy between his legs. He watched every tremble, every shiver, every arch, every thrust. He swept his thumb over the slick tip of Hinata's cock just to hear him cry out in surprise and pleasure. So caught up in Hinata's ecstasy, Tobio almost missed his own: it snuck up on him, rising patiently until it struck with the force of a powerful, no-touch service ace. It left him winded, sore and sweaty as he pinned Hinata's hip back firmly, holding him in place to ride out his orgasm while redoubling his efforts on Hinata's cock.

Hinata came with a strangled cry only seconds after Tobio finished inside of him, back arching, thighs trembling as he rode out spurt after spurt, then collapsing down to the bed with Tobio following him, still joined. He laid atop Hinata's back, loathe to break the union between them. This was one ending leading to the next ending. It wasn't where he wanted to be, but it wasn't as if he could stop the end from coming.

He'd try anyway, though.

They caught their breath slowly, hot skin cooling rapidly without the energy necessary to keep the sweat from drying. Tobio covered Hinata, wrapping his arms over Hinata's arms, burying his nose in Hinata's hair. The longer it took Hinata to recover, the longer they could stay just like this.

All too soon, Hinata was grumbling something into the sheets. "C'mon, Kageyama, let me up. It's gross down here."

Kageyama again. Why did "Tobio" only exist in the moments when they were deeply into it? Why couldn't he just be Tobio the entire time they were like this? Then again, it wasn't as if he called Hinata "Shoyo" either.

Tobio pushed back on his hands and knees, acknowledging that, yes, it was gross now that they were finished. As Hinata pushed himself up and grumbled, Tobio grabbed the box of tissues off the bedstand and set it between them. While cleaning himself, Tobio couldn't help but watch Hinata's face, expressive in his disgust as he scraped as much of the mess off the bed as he could, then dumped the mess of tissues into the sterile hotel trashcan, shaking his hands off with an embarrassed little smile before climbing back into bed.

"That felt so good!" Hinata leaned over and kissed Tobio on the cheek. "I can't believe we missed out on this for a whole year."

"Yeah." Tobio tossed his own tissues in the trash, then turned the blankets down. Hinata settled in against him and snuggled against his shoulder. Tobio slipped his arm over Hinata's shoulders, closing his eyes for just a moment to revel in the shared body heat. He heard a yawn and opened his eyes: Hinata's eyelids were drooping, his body soft and relaxed. He smiled up at Tobio, then let out a long, slow breath as his eyes fell shut.

This was new. This was not the normal. The normal was for Hinata to feel energized and want to talk after sex. He usually asked where Tobio was going next then detailed what his plans were, too. They figured out where they were going to meet up next, who they would see in between and what events they were both hoping to get invited to. Hinata couldn't just fall asleep! They had so much to talk about!

Or maybe...Hinata didn't want to talk? Maybe it was the same reason he always wanted to be facing away during sex, the same reason he always said "We should stop this" in the mornings. Maybe...maybe Tobio should just let it go.

Or maybe it was Tobio's turn to do the talking.

Tobio shifted, intentionally jostling Hinata to keep him from falling too deeply asleep. He had no idea how one usually eased into a difficult conversation and this was no doubt going to be a tough one to have. But he wanted to know. Needed to know.

"Hm? Kageyama?" Hinata blinked up sleepily, yawning once more. "What's the matter? Aren't you tired?"

Tobio hesitated, then simply plunged ahead with his question: "Why didn't we date in high school?"

Hinata blinked. Rubbed his eyes. Blinked again. "What?"

"We didn't date in high school," Tobio explained. "Why not? We were always...together. And we do this now so...why didn't we do it back then?"

"Uh, well..." Hinata looked confused, then shook his head as if to clear it. "You know what? For a long time, I kind of thought we were dating. You know, all those extra tosses after practice, getting snacks at the convenience store, doing homework together. And I liked you and everything, so I guess I kind of thought we were."

Tobio waited, expecting more. He'd never really thought of them as "dating" back in high school, but Hinata had always been right there, a constant partner both in classes and in volleyball. Somehow, he'd just gotten used to having Hinata close to him and had expected that to simply continue.

Where had it gone wrong?

"But then, I'd call you for things like visiting the shrine on New Year’s, or when we both had to go shopping for new gym shoes and you would just say no." Hinata gave a little shrug beneath Tobio's arm. "And after...well, just after, I realized it was just all in my head. I...really liked you, Kageyama. But I never felt like you liked me back. Not, you know, the same way."

Tobio felt his body go cold. His breathing slowed. It was hard to think properly. "After what?" he finally managed to ask.

Hinata shifted back and forth as if uncomfortable. "Um, well, you remember our second year at nationals? After we lost?"

Tobio grimaced; they'd gotten farther, but they never got the championship. He'd really believed they could, but it had remained just out of Karasuno's grasp.

"Well, I ran into Atsumu later that day at our warm-up gym. He asked if he could toss to me and I said yes." Tobio tried not to see the tiny smile on Hinata's face, tried not to think about what it meant. "After a while, we were talking and laughing while we practiced. When it came time to clean up, I was handing him a ball and he just...he kissed me."

Ice. Tobio felt like his insides turned to ice.

"I wasn't expecting it, and it kinda freaked me out, honestly." Hinata grinned ruefully. "I think he saw that I was panicked, so he stopped and asked if...if I was upset because I liked you."

Atsumu had known. Atsumu knew there was something between Tobio and Hinata, and he'd stolen Hinata all the same. It was enough to make Tobio want to punch him in his smug, smirking face the next time he--

"That was pretty much right when I realized that if you weren't in love with me, then it was okay for me to move on. I mean, we were still teammates and classmates and all that, but...there just wasn't any good reason to keep holding out hope for someone who wasn't going to love me back, right?"

I did love you back. I do love you back. I've always loved you.

But he didn’t say it then, so he couldn't say it now.

Maybe there was a time when he could have...but that time was long passed now.

But maybe he did hold onto Hinata just a little bit tighter just then.

"We didn't start going out right away." It seemed the dam had broken and Hinata was just going to go right on talking. Tobio wasn't certain he wanted to hear the full story, but he also didn't want Hinata to stop talking. He dreaded the silence more than the pain. "You know Atsumu was scouted right out of high school, so he was going off to an official national training camp and I still had another year of high school left. We exchanged numbers and we texted. A lot. And I guess...it just kind of grew from there?"

Thinking back, Tobio did remember seeing Hinata smile at his phone an awful lot. But Hinata had a ton of friends: the Nekoma setter, his old middle school buddies, even some of Tobio's former teammates on the Aoba Johsai team. It hadn't distracted Hinata from his desire to play and to win, so Tobio had never said anything about it. But he'd noticed.

"What..." The question shouldn't have been so hard, but it was. It was exactly what Tobio struggled with on a daily basis. "What did you talk about? With him?"

"Nothing. Everything." Hinata shrugged, but he was smiling. "It was usually just dumb stuff, back and forth. Like, in the fall, all we did was send pictures of red leaves to each other for no reason at all. It got to be that every time I saw a red leaf, I thought of Atsumu and I just...it made me happy. That's kinda dumb, right?"

"Yeah." No. Maybe? What did Tobio know? Never in a million years would he have thought to take a picture of a red leaf and send it to someone. What did that even mean? What was so special about red leaves in the fall?

"Yeah," Hinata agreed softly. "I think part of it was just that it was nice to talk to someone who wasn't stressed out over nationals. You remember what our last year was like. We were in training even when we weren't training. We were seniors and we wanted to win. It was...just really intense." Hinata shifted slightly. "It was nice to have someone to talk to who wasn't caught up in all of that."

Tobio couldn't forget their last year of high school, couldn't forget how close they'd come to that sweet championship. They'd outplayed so many phenomenal teams and for some, that would be enough, but Tobio had wanted the victory. He'd wanted the win. And he thought Hinata had wanted it, too.

"You never said anything," Tobio pointed out. "About the training being too much."

"No, it wasn't!" Hinata sat bolt upright. "I wanted to win as much as you did! I never minded all the extra training, I didn't even mind you yelling at me when I messed up. If we hadn't trained like that, I probably wouldn't be on a pro team today. I'll always be really grateful for that, and for those years." Hinata beamed, but it melted off his face too soon. "Talking to Atsumu just helped me get over some of the stress of all that practice, and keeping my grades high enough to play."

Tobio remembered that. He'd struggled with that as well. Thankfully, his grades didn't matter very much to the professional volleyball league, which meant that towards the end of his senior year, he'd been able to slack on schoolwork, his future already secure. Why had he never considered before that Hinata hadn't had that luxury?

"Kage...Tobio." Hinata met his eyes evenly. "I don't think it's wrong to love volleyball more than anything. I just feel like...maybe it shouldn't be everything? At least, not for me. I think that's why I can't leave him. He loves me both on the court and off it. I guess...I never really thought you felt that way about me."

That wasn't true. It wasn't true at all. Tobio couldn't pinpoint exactly when Hinata became a fixture in his life, but he remembered feeling certain that Hinata would always be there. Not just up at the net, ready to spike whatever crazy toss Tobio set for him, but in his life, as a training partner and a social cue translator, and someone to fill the silence. Because right now, with the exception of volleyball, Tobio's whole life felt silent. Empty. He'd realized too late that Hinata had filled a piece of him that had been missing. And since he'd been too late, the only thing he had left was volleyball.

He couldn't say that all now, though. Not after the last time. Not after Hinata had made his choice so definitively.

Atsumu won. Tobio lost.

That was all there was.

"I'm sorry." Hinata's voice was small. Somehow, despite being pressed against each other in the bed, Hinata felt distant. "It's...I know this isn't fair. And I know it's my fault. We shouldn't...you and I never should have..."

Tobio's heart felt squeezed by an icy fist. Hinata wasn't going to say he regretted this now, was he? What did that mean for them? That this wouldn't ever happen again?

Had he ruined everything again?

"I just...I wanted to be like this with you so badly in high school, and it never happened." Hinata sounded miserable. Tobio couldn't look at him; he couldn't imagine what he would do if Hinata started crying. "I never stopped thinking about you, about what could have happened if we got together in high school. I always wondered, you know? If it...if it could have worked."

God, this was just cruel. Did Hinata know how many nights Tobio sat up wondering the exact same thing? Why hadn't they gotten together sooner? Why couldn't Tobio have figured out what Hinata meant to him so much sooner? All this pain could have been avoided if he'd just recognized his feelings back then.

"I love Atsumu, I really do," Hinata insisted, as if he was trying to convince more than Tobio of that fact. "I felt so guilty always thinking of you, that I thought...I thought if I finally slept with you, I'd get over it. Over you. I thought...I thought you'd be...different. And I'd remember why we didn't get together in high school. But you were...this is...I can't..."

"You came to my hotel room with beer once we could both drink," Tobio remembered. "You let me kiss you."

"You knew I was still with Atsumu," Hinata reminded him. "We'd been talking about him when you kissed me. I know I could have stopped it, but I wanted it. I wanted you. For so long." Hinata drew a trembling breath. "I didn't know it meant something to you, Tobio. Not until after. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Tobio let the silence grow between them. He couldn't accept that apology. He couldn't forgive, either, because that would be like saying he was sorry it happened, too. And he wasn't. The only thing he would change was Atsumu.

The only thing he'd change was everything.

"Why..." Tobio hesitated, but they had already opened the door of forbidden topics, so why not ask? Why not rip the bandaid all the way off? It already hurt this much; how much more damage could Hinata do? "Why did you offer to leave him? Why did you want to run away?"

"Because I love you." Hinata looked up with those same eyes that once begged Tobio to toss to him. "I think I have from that very first toss. I'm not being fair to Atsumu and I'm not being fair to you. I thought I could do it. I thought if I ran away with you, it would all be over, and I wouldn't feel so guilty all the time. But I couldn't do it. I can't leave him, Tobio. I love him, too."

That was it, wasn't it? The ending Tobio had been dreading. Maybe they'd keep sleeping together, or maybe this would be the last time, but either way, Tobio's hopes for ever finding a happy ending with Hinata were over. He wouldn't leave Atsumu. Tobio wasn't even sure that was what he wanted. What he wanted was a world in which Atsumu was never a factor to begin with. What he wanted was to start over, and tell Hinata properly, from the beginning, how much he meant to him.

I could tell him I love him, Tobio thought, but it left a bitter taste in his mouth. I could tell him everything I've never said. But that would just end up hurting him more, wouldn't it? He made his choice a long time ago and it isn't fair for me to force him to change it now.

It was different when the idea had been Hinata's. When Hinata had suggested running away and leaving Atsumu, it was his choice. Manipulation on Tobio's part would only lead to resentment, and maybe his own heartbreak once again, later down the road. A part of Tobio thought that might almost be worth it--to have a few short years where Hinata slept only with him, woke up only with him, sent pictures of red leaves only to him. But it would only be worth it to him. It wouldn't be worth it for Hinata. And definitely not worth it for Atsumu.

There were no good answers here.

"Tobio?" Hinata touched his chin, turning his face to look at him. "Do you want me to go? This is all my fault, so I wouldn't blame you if you wanted me to just go."

Tobio tugged Hinata closer, unwilling to let go despite everything. "No."

"Then...should we make this the last time?"

"I don't know."

"I don't know, either." Hinata dropped his head against Tobio's shoulder. "Can I ask something?"

"What?"

Hinata hesitated, his hand petting the arm Tobio had wrapped around him. "Why didn't you go to the airport that day? Did you...did you really not want to run away with me?"

It was a fair question. But Tobio didn't have an answer.

Not a good one, anyway.

"I thought if I didn't show, maybe you could fix things with Atsumu." Lies, and more lies. "You're happy with him. I didn't want to be in the way."

"I am happy with him," Hinata whispered. "But I think, if things were different, I could have been happy with you, too."

Tobio couldn't take it anymore: the pain, the emotional turmoil, the "what might have beens." He shifted towards Hinata, over Hinata, and kissed him. Maybe Hinata was feeling the same, because he clung to Tobio's shoulders like he was a life preserver in turbulent water. The kiss was desperate, hungry, and longing. Longing for something they had never had before, something they would never have. And now they both knew it, too.

Tobio didn't waste time putting Hinata on his back, kissing him thoroughly and working him back up to an aroused state. It was different this time, they both seemed to sense it. And if he noticed tears on Hinata's face, well, he'd ignore them until Hinata told him to stop. It was hard to see anyway: for some reason Tobio's vision was blurred.

He kissed Hinata as he positioned himself between Hinata's legs, sliding one hand down to his knee and pushing it back toward Hinata's chest, and only then breaking the kiss.

"I want it this way," Tobio said, as steadily as possible.

He couldn't tell if the sound Hinata made was a laugh or a sob, but he was smiling, so Tobio leaned towards laugh. "Okay, Tobio. It's okay."

Tobio leaned over Hinata's body and kissed him again, running his hands over chest and stomach muscles, down Hinata's thigh to rest his thumb along the crease of his hip. He couldn't say it. No. But he hoped Hinata felt it. Knew it anyway.

Tobio sat back, smoothly lifting Hinata's impossibly muscled leg to rest his ankle against his shoulder, Tobio turning his head to kiss the ball of Hinata's ankle. When he moved to position himself, Hinata reached out to grab Tobio's forearm. He paused a moment, waiting for Hinata to say something, but he didn't. Maybe he just wanted something to hold onto. Tobio felt that way sometimes. The pressure of Hinata's grip on his arm didn't change as he pressed in, the way wet and open from before. It almost felt like he was being pulled in, the muscles gripping around him as Hinata's heel dug into his back. When he'd pushed all the way in, Hinata lifted his hips and pulled with the leg wrapped around Tobio's waist. Watching those powerful jumping muscles flex around him was an incredibly heady experience, one Tobio wanted to watch again and again. He ran his hand down to rest on the thigh practically braced against his chest, touching the muscles as they flexed, rocking back just a little in order to watch Hinata pull him in again. And again. And again.

It was long minutes before Tobio lifted his eyes from Hinata's legs, but the rest could hardly disappoint. Hinata's erection was thick and heavy, laying dark against his chiseled abs. A flush spread up his chest, through his neck and onto his cheeks, soft hard pants making his chest rise and fall. His lips were still kiss-red and wet, his eyes were half open and almost all black with desire. When Tobio fell still, a whine emerged from Hinata's throat, the hand on Tobio's arm tensing and pulling, as if willing Tobio to move again.

"Please," Hinata gasped, still whining and grinding his heel into Tobio's back. "Please, Tobio."

Tobio pitched forward, bracing one hand on the bed, the other curled tight around Hinata's hip. "Call me that again."

"Tobio," Hinata said, almost a whisper.

Tobio's eyes fell closed. "Again."

"Tobio."

Tobio finally began to move in earnest, with Hinata rising to meet him for each thrust. He'd finally asked for what he wanted, and now he couldn't even look. He turned his face into Hinata's ankle, pressing into that extra point of contact as he moved as his body compelled him--as Hinata's body compelled--fast and hard and without regard for the future.

This was no time for memories.

Hinata moaned and whined, tossing his head back as the pace grew frenzied. Tobio made out his name in fits and gasps, the grip on his forearm becoming painful almost to the point of bruising, but Hinata was pulling in time to the pulse of their sex. Tobio thought the heel in his back really might leave a bruise, but who the hell cared about that? In fact, he might like a mark, to remind him...

No, stay present. Stay here. Listen, feel, touch. Keep the rhythm going. Don't forget to breathe.

He didn't feel like he was getting enough air, but most championship games felt like that anyway. Running on fumes was nothing new to Tobio.

He felt it build this time, the heat, the coiling, the coalescing of his being. The long, thin bones of Hinata's foot stood out stark against his skin as his toes curled in tight, every muscle in Hinata's body going taut, rigid, stretched to the point of breaking. Tobio felt it in the way those muscles clamped down, hard, just before Hinata came.

"Tobio!" His last utterance turned into a shout, a cry of ecstasy and a true marvel to behold, watching Hinata come untouched. He didn't have long to watch, though, as the undulation of Hinata's muscles around him pulled him into oblivion shortly after. Tobio's eyes squeezed shut as he came, feeling dizzy as the waves of pleasure ebbed into ripples. His hands were both curled tightly around Hinata's hips, locking him in place as he rode out long, breathless moments. When he finally opened his eyes, he found Hinata watching him through half-lidded eyes, still panting as he caught his breath, one hand still gripping Tobio's arm tightly.

Tobio hunched in on himself, breathing hard and letting his head droop as he carefully relinquished his grip on Hinata. When a few small droplets fell from his face down onto Hinata, he told himself it was just sweat. Hinata shifted and Tobio prepared himself to feel the loss as he pulled away, but instead Hinata was only pushing himself up onto one elbow, his arm outstretched.

"Tobio?" Hinata asked, cupping Tobio's cheek. "Is it--Are you--"

Tobio shook his head and leaned into the touch, covering Hinata's hand with his. Moving slowly, carefully, he pulled out and gently set Hinata's leg down on the bed before covering Hinata's body with his own. Hinata sank back into the pillows, one arm looped almost lazily over Tobio's waist, pulling him down.

"Shoyo." The name fell trembling from Tobio's lips right as he sank into a kiss. It felt wrong--forbidden, even--to say it like that. Naked, bald, exposed. He'd probably never say it again. Not like that. But, at long last, he had said it. And that was something.

It wasn't as if he could say the rest. The other desperate words, all longing to burst free. The emotions, the wants, the needs. No. He'd keep those to himself, for Hinata's sake. But he'd have this one. Just this one.

Hinata smiled as the kiss broke, reaching up to brush Tobio's hair back from his eyes. "You've never called me that before."

"I know."

"You can call me that if you want to, you know."

Tobio shook his head. "I can't."

Hinata's eyes flickered, but he only nodded and looped his arm over Tobio's shoulders. "We should probably try and get a little sleep."

"Mm." Tobio nodded. The match he'd played was nothing compared to this exhaustion. Lying down felt like giving in. Setting down a burden. Giving up. Hinata curled into his side, resting his head on Tobio's shoulder as he yawned. Tobio turned his head, watching as Hinata slowly fell asleep. And as much as he didn't want to--he would stay awake the whole night simply watching Hinata sleep if he could--Tobio felt himself drifting off as well. It was just so warm, lying pressed up against the man he loved more than volleyball, he didn't want to miss a moment of him. So when sleep took him, he dreamed of tossing to Hinata.

Tobio woke up to thin sunlight and someone moving beside him. Hinata was rubbing his eyes and stretching. In a minute, he'd roll over and look for his phone to check the time. Tobio tightened his arm around Hinata's shoulders: judging by the sunlight, they probably didn't have time for another round of sex, as they sometimes did. Besides, the morning was always when Hinata seemed to feel the guiltiest about what they'd done.

Hinata blinked slowly, then yawned. He didn't look surprised to be waking up next to Tobio--he never did, really--but he did smile cautiously. "Morning."

"Morning."

Hinata yawned again, then made a face as he shifted. "We didn't clean up after the last time."

"We didn't."

"Gross." Hinata made a face. When he started to push away, Tobio's arm reflexively tightened--then slowly, he forced it to relax. He let out a long, soft breath, watching as Hinata swung his legs over the far side of the bed, facing away as he checked his phone. He was facing the window, golden light bathing his hair, his shoulders, his sides, leaving his back in shadow.

Like Hinata was the one Tobio was chasing, instead of the other way around.

"It's kinda late," Hinata said through yet another yawn. "I should get back to my room and wash up so I don't miss my flight."

"Okay."

As Hinata gathered up his clothes, Tobio kicked back the sheets and dressed as well. Not fully, just his track pants, really. The shirt he reached for on the floor turned out to be Hinata's. He held it close for an instant, then handed it to Hinata. He tried not to watch as Hinata wet his hands and ran them through his hair, ordering his curls. Well, trying to, anyway. It hurt to see all the previous night's exertion wiped away so brusquely, so much so that Tobio longed to grab Hinata and mess his hair up again. But he wouldn't. Couldn't.

If he touched him now, he'd never let him go.

Hinata turned away from the mirror, looking chagrined as he met Tobio's eyes. "Maybe we sh--"

"Don't." Please. Please, don't. Not now. Not again.

Hinata looked surprised, but he didn't argue. He dropped his gaze to the floor, though, looking a bit like a kicked puppy. "What should I say, then?"

What was there to say? There wasn't anything that could fix Tobio's broken dreams of Hinata being his and only his one day. Any words of comfort would seem patronizing, and he couldn't stand the thought of empty promises. Worse would be to say, definitively, that it was over. That this would never happen again. Tobio would probably survive if that turned out to be the case, but he didn't want to shut the door on it. If this was all he could get, then he'd take it. Every time. As long as Hinata was willing.

There wasn't a perfect thing to say, was there? Nothing that wouldn't hurt, nothing that wouldn't be a lie, nothing that could encompass the enormity of the words left unspoken between them.

But then Tobio remembered what Hinata had said, the day Hinata had left Miyagi, hand in hand with Atsumu. He remembered the beatific smile, the crinkled eyes, the words full of cheer. "See you later, Kageyama!"

It wasn't goodbye and it wasn't a lie. If it still hurt, then...well, at least it hurt a little less.

"See you later," Tobio said, just a little slow to answer the question.

He didn't know if Hinata registered the connection, but Hinata did smile sadly. He took one step closer, raised himself up on his toes and kissed Tobio's cheek.

"See you later, then."

Hinata turned away, one hand on the doorknob. He only hesitated a second, but Tobio understood. That second of painful wishing, that thought of "could have been." Then he pulled the door open and stepped out into the hall, never looking back. Tobio stood in the doorway, watching Hinata walk away.

His heart aching as he remembered standing at the airport terminal, watching the coffee cart from a distance, waiting for a certain orange-haired volleyball player to meet him there only one year ago.