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He wasn't sure, exactly, what had caused it. One moment he was standing in the Musain rallying his friends and creating a stir for the upcoming protest. The air was electric and everyone was speechless and in awe of the great orator known as Enjolras to most, and Apollo to few. He had caught the eye of Feuilly who in turn raised his glass to him, making Enjolras more impassioned and alive. Everyone was cheering him as he concluded his speech, everyone was adoring him - and he was aware. Slowly, a creeping unease settled in his stomach and everything started to irritate him. His chest felt tight, his clothes felt tight, and he felt a tingle in his scalp that ran down along his spine and before he knew it he was struggling to breathe and his hands shook and why would they not stop shaking?
All that he could do was leave, so he bolted out the door and into the frosty night.
Enjolras' legs shook as he stumbled down the street. He had aimed for home but he needed relief now, damnit, so he threw himself into the nearest alley and held himself in a ball. Deep breaths, he told himself, although it had been a while since this particular curse had struck him and he was worried that suddenly everything was bad again, and did that mean things were bad for good this time? He shivered and closed his eyes, rocking back and forth in attempt to shut his mind off. Find anything to focus on, something.
Time passed, how much he wasn't sure. But slowly his breathing reined back to healthier rates. He was trembling all over with teeth chattering but everything had become numb. He was neither cold nor hot even as the snow fell, he was neither happy nor sad even though he was shaking, and most importantly, he no longer was Enjolras. He would have felt scared if he was inside his mind. Slowly he became aware of approaching footsteps and looked up at a familiar face he loved and couldn't stand at the very same time. Those big green eyes full of worry, those hands clutching Enjolras's coat, those black curls blowing in the wind and catching snowflakes to decorate the man's head like a crown. Grantaire. Enjolras let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding.
"Hey, there. Enjolras." Grantaire knelt down and placed his coat around him. Enjolras's hands met him but his eyes did not. "Let me help you."
Enjolras let out a small gasp, "Nothing feels real, R."
"You're having a panic attack." Grantaire said softly, coming closer to warm the poor man up but careful not to touch.
There was no reply, just a slight nod.
"What's happened?"
"I don't know. One minute everyone was cheering and the next I just saw-" He cut himself off as the words caught in his throat.
"What did you see?" Grantaire reached closer and slowly placed a hand on Enjolras's arm. The two sat huddled together in the alley, snow gathering on them. Grantaire was shivering but there was no way he would move without Enjolras alongside.
"You don't know me, R. Not really. I'm sorry." Enjolras turned his head to meet Grantaire's eyes, his own blue eyes no longer brought the feelings of a summer sky but a dull choppy ocean. They were beginning to spill tears.
"Don't apologise. If you are, then I am. There. I'm sorry too!" Grantaire felt his own voice crack.
"I fight with you all the time and made you despise me, even though you say you love me." Grantaire opened his mouth in protest but Enjolras cut him off, "I can't stand the way you idolise me. The way you all do. I know how that must sound..." He placed his face in his hands and small sobs escaped.
Grantaire said nothing, but rubbed Enjolras reassuringly.
"I'm not who you think I am, R. I'm broken really. I used to be a junkie and if I couldn't get high then I'd burn myself to numb the pain." He spat his words through tears, disgust written on his face. He rolled up his sleeve to show evidence of the burns. Grantaire felt his heart plummet and his blood run cold, but he was not going to run from this.
"Enjolras, whatever caused the pain- whatever started all this, I'm here to help you. The ways you coped - the ways I cope...that's all it is. We're just trying to survive. You're human, you are. I know that, really I do. Just let me in." Grantaire spoke soft but pleading.
Enjolras let out a small groan. "Oh, Grantaire. It was my dad - he used to touch - he made me - and he wanted to kill me. I - this is who I am-" His chest wracked and tears ran heavy. Enjolras wasn't sure if he had ever cried like this before.
Grantaire held the man close and embraced him. Gingerly, he placed a small kiss on top of his golden hair. To his relief this only made him draw closer.
"Apollo, you say we fight for the lowly and the wretched and the outcast and the despised. I see now, how you feel about yourself. What you think you're worth. Apollo, I've thought the very same things about myself."
Grantaire whispered these words carefully, tears spilling down his cheeks. Enjolras didn't reply but pressed his face into Grantaire's chest.
"We were wrong, Apollo. They may call us these things, they may tear us apart, they may bruise us and stone us. But we are loved -and love - stronger than them. You think I despise you for your passion and your arguments? You think you are worth nothing to me? Listen to me closely, I love you. I love you. The pain is real, but it will never stop me loving you. And when we stand up here in the snow and leave from here to go home and get warm and dry, it will be the first steps into fixing the pain." Grantaire spoke quietly but with passion, some words came out hissed in anger, certainly not at Enjolras, but at the horrifying revelations of this night. There were small echoes of the fiery Musain leader himself in there.
"You're beautiful, R." Enjolras's small voice croaked. The tears had stopped and he was now exhausted, and although the weight was not gone, it had shifted. He was no longer carrying it alone. He met the eyes of Grantaire, who on this night he saw brand new, a hero, a saviour, an Apollo in his own right.
"We'll do this together." R promised, and taking the other man's hand they stood up. He helped Enjolras to put his coat on properly and wrapped his arm around him as they made off into the snowy night.