Chapter Text
3 years before Make me Happy
Cat POV
I take my 'special vitamins' before going to sleep. I usually take them in the morning after breakfast but today I felt like I needed them twice. I need them cause back when I was little I had a trauma that I don't want to remember. But recently there's also something else bugging me, from at least a few months, now... I only just turned 13, yet I'm having these new feelings for my best friend, Jade West. I can't stop thinking about her day and night. When I'm not with her I can't wait to see her again. She is in my dreams, and in every thought I have during the day. When I look at her I feel like I want to hug her, hold her in my arms, kiss her... But how can this be possible? I'm a girl and she is a girl too... Shouldn't I have these feelings for a boy? Do I have a crush on my girl best friend? Why?
At first I thought there was something wrong with me... But then I thought of my uncles. They are married yet they are both men. So if a guy can fall in love with another guy, why should I feel so weird about having feelings for another girl even though I'm a girl myself? I ran a search on the internet and learned that it's actually possible for a girl to like another girl. It's apparently called being a 'lesbian'. On the list of results of my research I also found 'Romantic lesbian couple making love' so I clicked on it curious to know about girls like me who are romantically in love with other girls. But I learned that 'love making' actually means something dirty on the internet. In fact the video I found was about two naked women doing... stuff. At start I was watching it with curiousity but then the things they started doing, made me so embarrassed I had to switch off my PC immediately.
So I decided to ask my brother, about this. He is almost 17 so I think he can answer my questions just fine, cause I feel way too shy to ask my parents.
He is going through one of his 'normal phases' lately so I can talk with him. I know he is doing better cause I'm not hearing him barking at the dogs from his room's window from quite some time. And he isn't sneaking from the house late at night to steal dad's car, anymore... And he is not picking fights with random people whenever he takes a bus lately. He is actually studying to take his license. So I guess he is doing well... At the moment.
"Manny, what's a lesbian?" I ask him maybe a bit too suddenly while we are watching TV together in the living room. Our parents already went to sleep.
He looks at me in a funny way then replies "A girl who likes other girls as in like-like, you know?"
I nod. Ok, that's pretty much the same thing I learned from the internet.
But I want to know more "So, it's normal for a girl to like another girl? And can two girls be in love too? You know like a girl and a boy, or like our uncles, but... Women. Can they like, date? And be each other's boyfriend and girlfriend even if they are both girls?"
Manny chuckles "It's girlfriends, or girlfriend and girlfriend, no boy involved."
Oh right... I can be so silly sometimes "So they can? Is it normal?" I continue asking him
"Of course they can, and it's normal. Only stupid people would be against two persons that are in love, no matter what their gender is" he says
I smile at him hugging his arm grateful. Manny is so great when he is normal. "Thanks Mann... That's what I wanted to know"
"It's okay." he smiles at me "But why did you ask me that, Catty?"
I blush "Cause... I think I might be one of those girls, you know... A lesbian. Don't tell mom and dad but I think I might have feelings for a girl at school" I try to be vague.
"Jade?" he asks me
I look at him wide eyed and my blush only gets worst "Is it so obvious?"
"From the way you always talk about her, and by the fact that she is always over at our house, not to mention that photo of you and her that you keep under your pillow? No, it's not obvious at all, I mean you have clearly been very subtle about it" he jokes, laughing, making fun of me.
I stay silent feeling so embarrassed "How do you even know about the photo?" I ask him
He shrugs "I like to go through your stuff sometimes"
I slap him on the shoulder "Manny! That's so not cool! I told you to stay away from my room!" I scold him
He laughs again "Relax! I do that only to steal a couple of your pills and mix them with mine every now and then, to see what effects they have on me"
"I don't think you should do that. In fact I think it might be dangerous" I tell him worried
"Don't worry little sis. So about Jade... Will you tell her?" he asks me
"Should I?" I ask him, uncertain.
Manny looks at me "First of all, are you sure?"
I think about it. She is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing when I go to sleep. "I think so... Yeah"
"OK, do you think Jade might feel the same way about you?" he asks me
And that's the problem "I don't know... I mean she is often mean but when we are alone she is different"
"Different how?" he asks me
"She is so nice to me. Sweet even... Even if she doesn't want me to call her that. But she is. She always makes me laugh and holds me when I'm scared and when we talk I feel like we can tell each other everything... And she is so beautiful..." I say with a dreamy expression
"Well Cat, I think you should be sure before telling her your feelings. If she doesn't feel the same you could ruin your friendship with her" Manny tells me.
I look at him in fear "No... I can't risk that"
"Don't worry Cat. You are still very young. You'll have lots of time to figure this out. I mean this could be just a phase anyway. Maybe you think you're in love with her, but maybe you just love her as a friend and nothing more" he tells me.
I nod. Even though I'm not convinced I try to tell myself that he is right.
Until the next day... The day that would have erased any doubt from my mind about my real feelings.
Jade and I are studying math in my room lying on my bed.
"Do you understand this exercise Cat? God I hate math..." Jade is telling me but I'm not paying attention I'm looking at her gaping. She is so gorgeous. She is tapping the rubber of her pencil against her lips, her eyebrows furrowed in concentration as she tries to understand a boring math's problem that we have for homework. And I feel so jealous of that rubber right now... No! Bad Cat! Jade is just your friend! Get over this phase of yours already!
"CAT!" she yells startling me, and I almost fall off my bed.
"Wha... Whaty?" I ask her
"You were daydreaming, dingus! I asked you if you understand this exercise" Jade says
"I hmmm... I..." but I lose my ability to speak as she looks at me. Her blue eyes are so mesmerizing... They make me melt on the spot every time I look at them... But they are not only blue. They have this greenish shade about them that makes them look the same color of the sea...
She snaps her fingers in front of me "What's going on with you today? You are even less focused than usual!" she says.
I blush before getting a little offended "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're being weird Cat. What do you find so fascinating about me right now?" she asks me
"Your eyes..." I tell her before I can stop myself. Dangit Cat! I scold myself
Jade smiles "I like them too. I think it's what I like the most about me"
This time I'm able to restrain myself from telling her that I actually like everything about her. So I just say "I wish I had your blue eyes too. They look the same color of the sea. They are so pretty" I think I'm blushing again and I hope she doesn't notice it.
Jade smiles flattered "Oh well, thank you. Your eyes are not bad to look at either, you know" she says looking down on her math book again.
"Oh please. They are just simple brown eyes..." I say nudging her shoulder.
"Wrong. They might look 'just simple brown eyes', but they are not. They're... more unique" she says turning to me to look me in the eyes
"How?" I ask, looking back at her, my heart starting to beat always faster
"Well, for start, they are a bit lighter than brown. I would say chestnut. Also they change depending on the light. When there's not much light your eyes turn completely dark and soulful, but when the sunlight hits your face they assume a lighter color... They become almost amber sometimes. Like two pools of honey. They make your whole face glow up. In other words, I think you have beautiful eyes too, Cat" she concludes
I'm speechless... So much my breath catches in my throat. Her words... I think they are making me melting with happiness... No one ever told me something so beautiful. Plus, this means she has also been looking at me the way I look at her! It was in that moment I didn't have any doubt anymore: I had deeply fallen in love with Jade West and I had no intention of getting up.
"Th... Thank you Jade" I reply in almost a whisper. After her words, hope starts building up in my excited heart. Maybe she feels the same way about me!
She keeps looking at me and I can't stop myself, I want to kiss her! So I decide to lean on her to capture her lips with my own and have my very first kiss and with Jade West nonetheless!
But before I can get too close for Jade to realize what I'm doing, she tells me "I bet it's only a matter of time before boys will start noticing them too. And ask you out"
I stop. My smile drops and I feel so disappointed "I... I don't want to date boys" I tell her
"Me neither, cause boys our age are all a bunch of pervs and losers" she replies
I giggle "Yeah, and I want someone who really cares about me instead. Someone who would surprise me every now and then, by doing something nice for me like... telling me something very sweet or taking me to a beautiful place, you know? A place that I would love... Making me feel special. Like a princess. Someone I would love being together with" In other words I'm talking about you, I want to be with you. I only think the last part luckily, but I keep looking at Jade hoping that she takes the hint.
But she doesn't... She laughs actually "That's so corny!"
I blush looking away.
"I don't have such high expectations" Jade continues "I just want to be with a guy who isn't a total idiot. In that case... I might be interested" she wiggles her eyebrows at me.
I feel my heart clench "A guy? You mean as in a boy?"
Jade chuckles again "No an alien... Of course a boy, you dummy!"
'Of course a boy', she said... And that stopped me in my tracks. My hopes were crushed... Jade didn't feel the same about me. She was only into boys apparently.
I must have turned pale cause Jade starts asking me what's wrong. I excuse myself saying I have to go to the bath. I lock myself in it and start to silently crying covering my mouth with one hand and sliding against my door.
How can I be just friend with her after I realized that I like her like a boy would like a girl? Scratch that, after what she said about my eyes I know I love her. This can't be just a phase, cause my heart hurts so much and I know it is for love. This is not a simple crush. It takes me several minutes to calm myself down. In the end I decide that Jade is too important to me. If I can't have her like I want to, the next best thing is to be her friend. That way I will always be with her, even if not like I want to. But it's still something.
"Cat are you alright? Did you fall in or something?" Jade asks me through the door. She is so sweet... She was worried about me.
"Yes, Jadey, I mean no... I didn't fall in I just... I'm ok. Just give me another minute" I tell her
I wash my face and try to smile as I leave the bath. She is sitting on my bed when I return bouncing, sitting next to her and acting like nothing happened.
"Were you feeling sick?" Jade asks me.
"No I'm OK... Why?" I ask without looking at her. I still need practice to be able to look at her without thinking about kissing her.
"Cause you didn't look OK, and you have been in your bath for like 15 minutes at least" Jade says.
"Oh, sorry, it's because I hmm..." think Cat, an excuse! I'm about to lie and tell her I had to do the number two, but I think that's something gross to tell to someone you like-like, so I decide against it, and choose to find another excuse to justify all the time I spent in the bath "I started bleeding... You know... That thing that happens to us girls, every month?" I lie. I had that two weeks ago for the very first time and my mom explained me what it was.
"Oh... Ok. It's fine Cat." Jade looks at me tenderly and wraps an arm around my shoulders. I squeeze my eyes trying not to think about her as anything more than a friend. Though it's almost impossible.
"They are called menstruations. Or your period." she explains to me
I nod "Yeah my mother told me. She also showed me how to use those things... You know? For the bleeding" I blush. I'm still not too comfortable to talk about this, even with another girl cause it's something so new to me.
"Yeah, I get it" Jade nods at me in an understanding way as I continue
"My mom says it means I'm growing up and starting to be a woman now" I tell her
Jade brushes my back with her hand, still smiling "Yeah, my mom told me something similar... But I guess I'm still just a kid then, cause... You know" she trails off and I can see her blushing.
I look at her "You didn't have it yet?"
She blushes and shakes her head no.
"Aww Jade" I hug her. I guess she thinks I'm emotional because of my period cause she lets me hug her for so long without telling me anything. I feel bad for lying to her, but she can't know the true reason why I ran to my bath so suddenly before. I enjoy every second of our hug, inhaling her scent and stroking her long hair before I let her go.
"How do you feel?" Jade asks me
"I'm good now" I say looking at her. Then I start feeling the impulse of kissing her again so I look down at my math book. "But let's do some math now! Don't want to take an F for our test!" I say trying to change subject, pretending to giggle.
"Yeah, fucking math" she says looking at her own book.
"Swear!" I scold her.
Jade just laughs.
Of course when Jade had her period too and had her growth spurt, she became even more attractive and gorgeous than what she already was, becoming almost irresistible for me. I was right. I was so hopelessly in love with her. It was not just a phase. To this day I don't know how I was able to never reveal her my true feelings for so many years.
I was just so scared to lose her as a friend, so I convinced myself I would have been happy to just be like this with her, forever. As nothing more than a friend. But I didn't give up on the thought of her and I being more than friends, one day, not completely at least. I mean after what she said about my eyes? I couldn't help but still have a little hope, no matter how much she was saying she was into guys. So I tried some other times during the years to let her know my real feelings, you know, flirting with her every now and then, brushing her arm, trying to hold her hand, hugging her even if Jade was always telling me she didn't like hugs, pretending to not notice I was kissing her a little too close to the mouth in the rare occasions she would have let me greet her with a kiss on the cheek, or simply by letting her catching me staring. I even made a song for her called 'Baby I' hoping to finally reveal her my feelings that way. But she didn't get that it was for her, so I used it for my Hollywood Arts' audition.
But I thought I was still making progress and actually getting somewhere with Jade, when we both got accepted by Hollywood Arts. That was until she started dating Beck, shattering my hopes. It took me all of my resolve and determination to act like I was happy for her, just so I could keep being her best friend. But my heart was screaming with anger and disappointment every time I would have seen my Jadey with a guy.
I remember when Jade told me about her first kiss with Beck, and then about the first time she slept with him, some months later. I took so many of my 'special vitamins', on both occasions, to be able to listen to her without feeling like my heart was being stabbed by every single word that was coming out of her mouth. I ended up feeling so ditzy I was barely able to make sense of anything she told me. But that was the only way I could pretend to play the part of her best friend and confidant without crying in agony, while listening to her talk about her boyfriend. You would think I decided to give up on her at that point, right? Wrong. Every time Jade and Beck used to kiss at school, I was hiding the impulse of screaming in pain or throwing up, behind a fake cheerful smile. I did that so many times I became used to it in the end.
I even started dating boys to try to get over her. I had my first kiss at 14 with a boy but it meant absolutely nothing to me. I tried to enjoy it, I really did, but only thinking about Jade in that moment was able to make the kiss somewhat nice for me. But he wasn't Jade... So after a couple more dates I ended up dumping him. Like every other boy I dated.
Knowing I had little to no feelings for those boys I thought about starting dating girls to try and move on. Since I was more into girls, I thought that dating one would have probably helped me to get Jade off my mind, cause I read online that it's pointless for a lesbian to fall in love with their straight friend. So maybe I just had to find a girl like me who was also into girls, and forget about my feelings for Jade. Except I couldn't. It's not like I couldn't find one, I actually met more than a few girls that were either bi or gay at Hollywood Arts, and some of them were nice and really pretty, so I've given a thought or two about coming out and ask a girl on a date.
But as I was deciding who was my type, I started realizing I was just trying to find a Jade's lookalike. I was looking for a girl with porcelain skin, blue eyes, dark hair, dark make up, and possibly with tattoos or piercings and big boo... OK you got it, a Jade lookalike. But no one was able to match Jade's beauty at my eyes. And no one had her strong, determined personality, no one was able to make me go weak at the knees with just a simple look, a smile or an unexpected sweet gesture that she was reserving for me and me only. No one was like my Jade. So I just couldn't bring myself to ask another girl out, cause I knew Jade was the only one I really wanted anyway. No matter how hard I was trying to, I couldn't get over her, I just couldn't make my feelings for Jade go away. My mind was always thinking about her... But it was also telling me that I could have never had her like I wanted.
Thank God I was wrong.