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chapter 1 - it's always you, you idiot
If Langa’s heart hadn’t been racing during his beef with Joe, now it was banging against his rib cage louder than drums. Drowning out his senses, leaving him restless.
He whipped his head in all directions physically possible and weaved through the crowds of people littering every corner of S but he couldn’t find him.
Where was Reki?
The sight of him earlier had left Langa’s blood simmering under his skin. If he closed his eyes he could still hear the redhead calling his name, still see the frantic look in his eyes.
Langa had looked in every corner possible, asked so many people but now he was running out of places to look.
His heart was on the verge of collapsing when he reached the gates of S and hadn't caught a single glimpse of Reki yet.
He swallows down the lump on his throat, hearing Joe’s words ringing in his ears, and approaches the two guards keeping the gate.
“Have you seen a redhead?” Langa asks, not caring for the raw desperation that slipped in his voice. “He was wearing a green hoodie?”
The two guards exchange a quiet look, pondering whether or not to answer. Maybe they could also hear how loud Langa's pulse pounded beneath his skin. Or maybe the fierce look in Langa’s eyes had swayed them because one of the guards spoke up.
“Yeah, he left a few minutes ago.”
Langa’s face twists into a pained expression; haunted by the image of Reki walking home, alone, with that hollow look his amber eyes held so often these days.
He’s about to offer his thanks and run as fast as he can after Reki when he’s interrupted by the other guard standing by the right side of the gate.
“The boy left this,” the man’s voice is devoid of any underlying emotion but when his eyes meet Langa’s there's a concealed sympathy in them. “You should return it to him.”
His breath wavers when he realizes what the guard has in the palm of his hand.
That was Reki’s S pin.
Langa’s sense of gravity seems to wane just then and he feels disoriented. Because Reki would only have done that if he wasn’t planning on coming back to S.
And, no. No, that felt so wrong, so inconceivable to Langa that for a few seconds all he can do is wordlessly stare at the shiny object on the man’s hand.
When Langa finally takes the pin his hands feel unreliable and shaky and he clutches it tight until the hard edges of the pin dig into his skin and make pain shoot up his hand.
“Thank you. I will.”
And he runs.
He runs and runs because at that moment that was all he could do to fight the prickly feeling behind his eyes. He runs because if Langa took even a single second to stop and catch his breath the raging storm in his head would consume everything inside of him.
Reki didn’t want to see him anymore, talk to him anymore, hang out with him anymore, skate with him anymore.
And that thought terrifies him, transports Langa back to months back. Back to feeling wet and breathless, his clothes clinging to his body like the cold clung to his bones except Dad wasn’t there to laugh off the fact that Langa had slipped and fallen into a bank of snow again.
Transports Langa back to how he had felt only minutes before, stranded on the S track, his heart unmoving, forgetting how he had even gotten there in the first place.
He can’t let himself follow that train of thought. He has to find Reki.
Langa’s heart gives another sign of giving out that night when he finally spots a figure in a green hoodie, his head lowered to the ground.
“Reki!” he calls out, forcing his achy legs to not stop until he reaches the redhead.
Reki halts when he hears him but Langa doesn’t give him the chance to run off this time. He clutches the redhead’s shoulder, tugging his body so Reki would look at him. Langa missed seeing his face, missed gazing at the slope of his nose, the curve of his smile, the way Reki’s eyes shone -
Their eyes meet and Langa stills. His hand drops from its hold on Reki’s shoulder and Langa finds himself catching his breath.
Because this is the second time in a week that Reki has actually looked into his eyes and Langa realizes they are once again standing in front of that damn stairway.
The stairway where Langa first tried skating and got run over by a truck. Where Reki patched him up for the first time. Where they used to meet every day before skating to school. Where Reki had told him that they weren’t a good match anymore.
Given different circumstances, Langa might’ve laughed.
“Reki,” he says again but his voice is soft, barely above a whisper.
Because Reki is looking at him again but it isn’t the same. He doesn’t look at Langa with the soft endeared look Reki had reserved especially for him. Reki looks at Langa with cold detachment, like Langa’s presence didn’t matter to him in the least.
And suddenly Langa’s heart is hurting for a completely different reason. Twisted and shattered, aching worse than when Langa had broken bones snowboarding.
He scrambled to pick up the pieces. To try to mush them back into something resembling a heart, but they seemed to escape through the gaps between his fingers and the cracks between his ribcage.
His gaze shoots down to the floor and Langa finds himself not knowing what to say. Not when it feels like he’s clutching his shattered heart in his bare hands.
So Langa says this:
“My一my skateboard,” he says numbly, bringing his arm clutching the broken skateboard into view. “It broke.”
He regrets saying those words as soon as he meets Reki’s eyes again.
Because now they are anything but hollow. They are raging, a storm is brewing inside of them. The shiny amber of Reki’s eyes is now darkened and looming but the sheer pain in them is what leaves Langa breathless.
Reki lets out a bitter humorless laugh, the sound crunching up the pieces of Langa’s heart until they’re almost reduced to dust.
“Of course,” Reki purses his lips. “That’s why you ran after me.”
Confusion riddles Langa to no end because why was Reki so insulted by that?
“What?” he asks dumbly. “What do you mean, Reki?”
Reki’s expression darkens, the edges of his lips tugging downwards and the frown feels so misplaced. Like it didn’t belong anywhere near Reki’s face.
“You just wanted me to fix your skateboard, right?” Reki snaps back, the pain rolling in his eyes leaving Langa dizzy. “Like the support guy I am.”
“What? Reki, I don’t understand,” he cries back, his eyebrows furrowing. “Yes, I wanted you to fix my skateboard一but support guy?”
That just seems to make things worse because Reki’s eyes seem to water now.
“That’s all you think I am!” Reki cries back. “The guy that makes skateboards and cheers you from the sidelines!”
Langa’s eyes widen.
“Of course not, Reki,” he pleads. “You’re more than that, you know that!”
“Am I though?” Reki’s voice wavers then and he bites his lips like he’s trying to suppress the shudder going through his body. “Am I really more than that? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure I am just some secondary character that everyone wants gone.”
“Reki,” Langa whispers and he lets his skateboard hit the ground because the pain has now spread from his chest and taken over every corner of his body. “You are more than that. So much more than that. I-I wanted you to fix my skateboard because I don’t want to一I’m not going to skate with any other one.”
Reki sniffles quietly and he looks away.
“Don’t worry,” he snorts. “I’m sure you’ll find someone who can build a board like the一no, better than the one I built.”
Langa shakes his head vehemently.
“No! I won’t use it because it’s not the one you made me.”
Reki stares at him quietly with a look Langa can’t even begin to understand. It held way too much at once for someone like Langa to even begin to decipher it. All he can see is pain.
“Then I guess you won’t be skating again,” Reki adds softly, the somber tone in his voice making Langa’s eyes prickle even harder.
“If you’re not there then I guess I won’t.”
That struck something in Reki because he speaks up louder this time.
“Don’t say that,” Reki warns.
“But it’s the truth,” Langa mends and Reki’s temper flares up.
“It’s not and we both know it! It didn’t stop you before, why would it stop you now?”
That leaves Langa speechless, guilt twisting his stomach as he remembers his broken promise but Langa hadn’t understood it then.
“You will go back to skating because you love it.”
No, no, no. Reki doesn’t get it. That’s wrong, it’s not true.
“I’m so sorry I broke our promise, Reki. But please, stop. That’s not tr一”
“Stop denying it! So now you’re not only incapable of keeping promises but you’re also a liar?”
The miserable remains of Langa’s heart are now aflame tossed in the fire until they are charred into ashes. The pain is fierce because Reki is wrong. He's so, so wrong, how can’t he see it? How couldn’t Langa have seen it? Because it’s so obvious now, clear as the sun reflecting in the crystal waters of the beaches in Okinawa and they were both so blind.
Langa snaps.
“It’s not about skateboarding!” he raises his voice for the first time since he met Reki and that catches the redhead by surprise. “Fuck, it’s about you, you idiot!”
Reki’s is stunned into silence.
“It’s always been about you,” Langa’s voice cracks as he feels the tears welling up in his eyes. “I never realized it until I had lost you and suddenly skating was just as significant as a grain of sand in the beach. Because it’s you, Reki. I don’t love skateboarding I-” his breath catches at his throat and Langa thinks the tears are rolling down his eyes at this point. “I love you.”
Reki’s body is shaking but he doesn’t mind because Langa’s is too.
“Langa.”
And hearing Reki say his name for the first time in so long, for the first time since their eyes had met during his beef with Joe, hits Langa like merciful rain on a particularly hot and uncomfortable day.
“Please don’t just say that-”
“I mean it,” he whispers back, rubbing his cheeks clean of the tears that had soaked them wet. “Reki, I really do.”
Reki looks into his eyes and they’re一soft. But saddened. And Langa wants to bring him into his arms so bad. Shake off that look in his eyes.
“But why?” Reki asks, the underlying disbelief in his tone hitting Langa like knives. “I’m- I’m not special, Langa. Why?”
Langa reaches a hand and tugs Reki’s hoodie off his head, letting his hand cup Reki’s face gently and stepping closer towards him.
“Reki, you’re the most special to me,” Langa says, the sheer sincerity of the words somehow soothing the pain in his chest. “You don’t understand, Reki. After Dad died I-I was empty. I tried snowboarding again because it always made me so happy but it just made it all worse because I felt nothing.”
Langa caresses his thumb against Reki’s tear-stricken cheek, taking in the sight of Reki finally being closer to him. He tries to count all the freckles that softly litter the bridge of the redhead’s nose but he soon loses count.
“And then I met you, Reki. And you taught me how to skate and suddenly I felt alive. Like my heart had been dormant for months and you made it beat again,” Langa’s voice drops to a whisper. Those words weren’t meant for anyone else, they were only Reki’s to hear. “You introduced me to skating and said it was infinite, that I didn’t need snow to feel the thrill of snowboarding I felt with my dad. That I could just get on my skateboard with you and go anywhere. Skate anywhere. That I never had to stop feeling my heart racing again, never feel empty again.”
Tears begin to quietly roll down Reki’s cheek and Langa dries them gently with his thumb.
“I don’t know why you think you’re just the ‘support guy’ because that’s not what you are to me. I don’t want you just so you can make me skateboards and I didn’t want you just so you could teach me to skate. All I want is to skate with you. By my side. That’s when I am the happiest. That is my happiness.”
Reki looks at Langa in quiet awe, like Langa was this incredible, breathtaking thing. But the pain in his eyes doesn’t seem to waver.
“Langa, I don’t want to be the support guy,” he whispers like one would when confessing a sin. “I’m a horrible, selfish person, I’m sorry. I can’t be happy just watching you skate. I want more. I want to skate with you,” Reki’s voice cracks and his eyes are big and watery. “You have no idea how much. But I-I can’t. I can’t skate with you because I can’t keep up, I’m not good enough. I’ll just be left behind. And I don’t want that to happen because I know it will hurt so much. It already has.”
And it all makes sense to Langa then. The pain in Reki’s eyes when he said they weren’t a good match anymore. Why he had returned the pin. Why Reki had left. He finally understood what he saw so many times in Reki’s eyes. It was insecurity, a fear of being left behind, of losing another friend. So Reki did it to Langa before he had the chance to do it to Reki. And Langa curses himself for not seeing it earlier.
Reki shouldn't have felt like this for so long, have dealt with it alone.
Langa doesn’t hesitate when he places a gentle hand on Reki’s nape and brings the redhead right into his chest. For a second Reki is stiff, but Langa wraps his arms around him with fierce protectiveness and runs a gentle hand on his back until Reki relaxes. The redhead slowly lets his body slump against Langa’s and his arms tighten around the taller boy.
“Reki, you are good enough,” Langa reassures as soundly as he can, as he feels Reki shake inside his arms. “You taught me how to skate. You notice the smallest things about skating. I can’t understand half of the things you do just by watching someone skate. So what if it takes you a little bit more time to learn tricks? The only reason I am half-decent is that I spent fifteen years snowboarding, you dummy. I am not some genius.”
Reki sniffles and furrows his face deeper in the crook of Langa’s neck and the pained little sound that escapes his mouth utterly destroys Langa.
“You’re more than enough, Reki,” he feels the need to say again just to make sure Reki has heard him.
“Langa, I really want to believe you,” Reki’s voice breaks, and Langa can feel his tears fall against his neck. “But I just can’t shake the feeling of how much of a failure I am. That you will change your mind and leave me behind.”
Langa reaches into the pocket of his pants.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to believe me yet. I’ll say it every day until you do,” he whispers back. “Just, for now, please come back to S, Reki. And if you don’t want to, at least come back to me. That’s where I belong, it’s where I think you do too. Skating, by my side.”
He tucks one of Reki’s soft red strands of hair behind his ear.
“I would never leave you behind because what’s the point of skateboarding if you’re not there?”
Reki’s eyes glisten as he sees the S pin in Langa’s hand and his whole body seems to shake. He goes quiet and for a second Langa is sure the redhead will tell him to keep it but he takes the pin from Langa.
“Okay,” he says and Langa’s breath leaves his lungs all at once.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll come back to S with y-”
Reki never gets to finish his sentence because suddenly Langa’s lips are fervent against his and the redhead loses all ability of higher thought.
Reki’s lips are warm and soft and they make Langa’s heart race in a way that makes skateboarding pale in comparison. How could anything come anywhere close to the feeling of Reki’s lips? Of the warmth of his mouth against Langa’s own and the tiny sounds escaping his mouth right into Langa’s.
Langa’s hands cupped his cheeks with an urgency that told of how scared he was that Reki would simply disappear but Reki just kissed him back harder still.
It was messy, their hearts beating too loudly in their chests and their emotions roaring too soundly for reason. Langa just needed to feel. Feel Reki’s body against his, his warmth permeating the frost that had taken over Langa’s body ever since he left. Feel the way Reki’s hand found itself in Langa’s hair, enjoying the steadying feeling of the redhead’s hold on the blue strands. Feel Reki’s bottom lip in between his teeth as a gasp escapes his mouth. He needed to feel it to reassure himself that it was even real.
Soon the intensity soothes, as the understanding that it was real dawns on them. The kiss then turns unhurried and tender. When Langa’s hands gently caress Reki’s cheeks Reki smiles against his lips and that makes something so warm spread in Langa’s chest it hurts.
It ends far too soon for Langa’s liking. He wishes he could spend the rest of his life with his lips on Reki’s but when they separate Reki’s forehead rests against his and his eyes are back to the warm honey Langa adored and he says:
“Hey, Langa?”
He hums, placing a soft kiss on each of Reki’s cheeks, the bridge of his nose, his lips.
“I love you too.”
Yeah, skateboarding had absolutely nothing on this.
He holds Reki tighter still.
“I love you more.”