Chapter Text
The weatherman had said it would be warm a nice 75 degrees but it rained and with it, a cold front moved in and instead the weather had plummeted to nearly 40 degrees. Clarke was freezing, heater turned on full she was sitting in bed with the window open (I know, there was no logic to it but Clarke was never sensible) she liked the toasty warmth of her little apartment and the cooling air from outside. Like having ice-cream on a hot summer day. She was wrapped in a sweater, with long fluffy pajama pants and three socks under her comforter. She was cold but she was comfortable.
On her night stand stood a lamp that dimly lit the room, a book in her hands. Some fiction about murder and mystery. She would be reading something like that with her window open in New York City. Outside her window the city was bustling and alive despite the weather, briefly she wondered if it would get colder and if it would snow that night. It would be nice to wake up to snow, see the city frost over again. Leaning into her pillows she closed her eyes and exhaled. New York was so far away from Portland, it was thousands of miles and many states apart and she wanted the distance. She missed her family and friends but she couldn’t be there anymore.
Not after Bellamy married Echo three years ago. It had been painful to be around them when they were dating and when Bellamy proposed Clarke had felt her whole world tilt on its axis. She didn’t want to believe she watched the man she loved get down on one knee and profess his love to another woman. Echo didn’t even deserve him. Their friendship went to hell shortly after that. So many years of love, laughter and friendship lost in the blink of an eye. Clarke wanted him to be happy, but Echo could never fully be happy if she was part of their lives.
The day before the wedding Echo showed up at her door, she told Clarke clearly that as long as she was around, Bellamy would never truly be happy because his attention would never be entirely hers. She sat in Clarke’s couch, hot cocoa in her hands.
“As long as you’re in his life he will never be able to fully commit Clarke.” She said in a soft voice. “You’re his burden.” That stung, she knew it, had always known it but it still stung. “Jake was his godfather, Jake was his only father figure. The day he died he promised your father to always take care of you.” Clarke stared out the window, the fall wind carrying leaves with it. “He promised and you know Bellamy, Clarke. As long as he feels like he has to take care of you he will never be at peace.” Clarke didn’t look at Echo, she couldn’t let Echo see the pain her words caused.
Clarke always knew that Bellamy only ever worried about her like a sister, he loved Clarke like he loved his younger sister Octavia. She was a responsibility, nothing more. Her father died of cancer when Clarke was eight, Bellamy had been fifteen at the time and Jake was Bellamy’s parent’s best friend. When he had been born Bellamy’s father had made Jake, Bellamy’s godfather and three weeks later Bellamy’s father was shot to death in a drug deal. His mother married Octavia’s father a few years later and his little sister was born. Bellamy had always been a part of Clarke’s life, he had been her confident and best friend growing up.
Now she was his burden.
“What do you want me to do Echo?” Clarke finally asked, turning to the older woman who sat on her couch.
“Leave, when we come back from Jamaica, don’t be here.” She said so simply. “I hate to say this but for a little bit. A year maybe two, just leave. Don’t tell him where you are and just go so he can break free of you.” Clarke’s heart clenched in her chest.
“Is that what he wants?” Clarke asked trying so hard not to break. Echo signed and stood.
“Yes.” A shot in the heart. “Last night he told me he wished he could tell you he needed space.” Clarke gulped and bit her lip. “He doesn’t want you to not be part of his life, he just wants to be able to think without worrying about you.” Echo explained trying so hard to lessen the blow. “He wants you to be happy, he just wants to be happy too its just right now...”
“Right,” Clarke whispered “that means not having me in his life.” She nodded in understanding. “I have a job offer, I hadn’t mentioned it but it came in a week ago. I haven’t answered, I will.”
“You’ll go?” Clarke nodded “where is it?” Clarke went to answer but Echo interrupted. “No, don’t tell me. Easier for you to be hidden that way.” She said and Clarke closed her mouth. Echo moved towards her and engulfed her into a hug, a tight hug. “You’re doing the right thing Clarke. Thank you.” She whispered in her ear before leaving.
The next day Bellamy married Echo, the biggest smile Clarke had ever seen on his face. He was in love, he cried and laughed and danced and kissed everyone on the cheek. Took thousands of pictures and waved everyone goodbye. He turned to look at Clarke one last time before he got into the car that would take him to the airport. Clarke had smiled brightly, tears in her eyes hiding her heart break.
“See you later Princess” He said as he got in the car. That night he flew to Jamaica and three days later Clarke was on a plane to New York. She only told her mother and Raven her new address, she didn’t disconnect her line but she put Bellamy’s contact on ‘hide alerts’ and she removed the read scripts so he wouldn’t know if she saw his text or not, an option her iPhone gave her. She made it so that his calls or text would come through but she never received them unless she went looking.
The first week of his honeymoon there was radio silence, in the second week he sent her quick updates. ‘I’m alive’ or ‘I can’t wait to tell you’ and ‘miss you princess’ it wasn’t until the week he got home to Portland to find her missing that he blew up her phone.
Bell: hey, what’s going on?
Bell: Princess where are you?
Bell: Clarke this isn’t funny, what’s going on?
Bell: You fucking left? Abby just told me you took a job and left? Biggest decision of your life and you didn’t include me in it?
Bell: are you just going to ignore me Griffin?
Bell: Fuck you Clarke.
Bell: at least have the motherfucking decency to talk to me
Bell: I thought we were family, what kind of fucking family leaves without a trace. You’re a real piece of work.
Bell: when it comes down to it you really are an ice queen. Murphy used to warn me all the time. Fuck you Griffin.
His messages became frantic, growing angrier over the few weeks. She never responded, though she remembered Echo telling her he wanted to be free of her, she figured this reaction was because she was forcing him to break his promise to her dad. If there was one thing Bellamy Blake hated was being turned into a liar, and breaking his promise to her dad was like saying he lied about taking care of her. She hated to do this to him, but he would calm down, eventually.
A few weeks after that Octavia called her. She didn’t pick up.
O: you gunna ignore me too
O: ?
O: Clarke....it’s been four weeks. That’s a whole month. Do you hate us that much? I know your mom and dad had to take care of us after my mom and dad passed away, I wonder if sometimes you blame us for Jake getting sick. Is that why you left?
Clarke: that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. You and Bellamy brightened up our home.
After almost of month of silence to the Blake’s, to one at least she finally answered. What Octavia had written had ignited a fire in her.
O: oh so you are alive.
Clarke: Yes I am. I’m okay, stressed and really busy but I’m fine.
O: good to know…good to know….on that note.
O: YOU’RE A REAL PIECE OF SHIT
Clarke looked down at the text and smiled, Octavia had never been one to filter her words speaking her mind without a second thought. She had missed the youngest Blake, though she admittedly hadn’t spoken to her because she knew Octavia would pry, she always did.
Clarke: seems to be the Blake sentiment lately
O: within reason. What’s going on with you sis?
Clarke stared at the phone. She stared at the word sis for a good five minutes.
O: ?
Clarke: I love you.
O: Clarke…?
Clarke: I love you O, I love everything about you.
Clarke: You coming into my life has always been a blessing, I never blamed you for dad, if anything he held on longer for all of us, because he didn’t want to leave us. You made us stronger, more united.
Clarke: Both you and Bell did. I love you both so desperately.
Clarke: I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you.
O: You’re hurting us now sis.
O: Your silence, disappearing, only talking to mom. That shit hurts Clarke.
Clarke: I’m sorry
O: why did you leave? Why didn’t you tell us? Me? Why didn’t you at least tell me????????
Clarke: O, you’re engaged. You have plans, you’re living your life to the fullest. I didn’t want to burden you too. You Blake’s are the same. Overbearing and overprotective.
O: I am not like Bellamy
O: and that’s a load of bullshit, why can’t you burden us with your problems? What’s this all about?
Clarke: O….
O: I’m just saying that this all seems so stupid. Why are you pushing us away?
Clarke: I just need a little space O
O: I don’t wanna give you any damn space. Where are you I’m coming to you right now!
Clarke smiled, her friend was always so impulsive and that thankfully didn’t change.
Clarke: I’m not gonna say
O: I’m gonna find you one way or another.
O: when I do I’m gonna beat ur ass
Clarke: Okay
O: at least answer my texts…so that I know you’re safe.
Clarke: I’ll answer YOUR texts
O: but not Bells?
Clarke: O…don’t…please. Please don’t ask.
O: … I don’t know what this is…but I HATE this.
Clarke: I know
Clarke: I’ll tell you what, if you really find me, come ask me.
O: I hate this.
For about an hour after the fact that was the last thing Octavia had sent her and then, while Clarke was washing her dishes and going over a document to a painting they had sent to her museum; the Metropolitan Museum of Arts you know the one where she was one of the head curator for in New York, Octavia sent another message.
O: I miss you
And in the same span of time, as if they timed it Bellamy also sent one
Bell: I miss you princess
Her heart dropped and sank. She felt like she was drowning unable to reach the surface. Clarke cried that night, she hugged her pillows and cried herself to sleep. After that night Bellamy sent her multiple apology texts begging her to talk to him. After about three months he seemed to resign himself and began to use her number as a kind of diary. He wrote to her constantly. He left voice memos and videos. He would talk and talk and talk and she just silently watched.
They remained that way for almost a year, him talking and talking and her watching and listening. Then one day they stopped coming, not all together but they were no longer an everyday thing. More of a once every few weeks. He was giving up on her and god that hurt but it meant that he was finally happy. He wasn’t worried about his promise anymore. He was living his life.
Bell: I just…
Bell: I just need to know….
Those messages came in one hot day in June, a year and five months after she had left. She was sitting in central park reading a book against a tree, the lake was full of life as was the park around her. She took out her phone to call a coworker when she noticed the number two in red bubbles on her messages. She opened them, he was typing.
Bell: what did I do to you? I thought you had alienated yourself from everyone but your mom and slowly realized that it was that you were just not talking to me. What did I do to you Clarke? Did I do something so horrible that you decided to cut me out? Are you pushing me out because I did something? I just don’t get it Clarke. You’re my family…why?
On impulse Clarke started typing, his words upset her isn’t this what he had wanted? Isn’t this what he told Echo he needed, for her to leave and to give him space? Now she gives him space and he acts like she committed a major crime against him. It annoyed her to no end, she did as he asked, she did what he wanted and now he didn’t want it? Why say it in the first place why tell Echo he wanted her gone? Why and then…she stopped typing. She erased everything she wrote and went on to call Monty Green one of the curators at the museum.
For the rest of the day she avoided her phone, avoided Bellamy’s messages. it wasn’t until late that night when she sat by her window that she finally looked at her phone again. Five messages from Bellamy.
Bell: Don’t do that.
Bell: Don’t start typing and then stop. Please for the love of God Talk to me!
Bell: Please talk to me
Bell: Princes…. I don’t know what I did…but I’m sorry….
Bell: I’m Sorry.
She cried that night, held the phone to her chest and sobbed. How could he write to her and text her all these things and want her to be gone? She didn’t understand but Echo had told her that he wanted her to be gone and she was starting to believe that maybe she had lied. He wouldn’t try so hard if he didn’t want to be part of her life…right? With a heavy heart she left her phone by the window and went off to bed.
About a week later as Clarke was absentmindedly on the phone with Monty she strolled into the nearest coffee shop. He was telling her he had sent her pictures of a renaissance painting and she looking at them from her IPad. She was in a floral tang top, a white long sleeve shirt tied around her waist. Jeans washed out and converse worn from walking, sunglasses on her head as she moved again. Her hair was long and up in a high pony.
“Yeah I see what you mean,” She said hyper focused on the painting. “I’d have to see it in person but it does look like a replica. Incredibly done so, probably one of his disciples…” Clarke didn’t notice the line move.
“Clarke you’re next” the person behind her said nudging her shoulder. She moved not noticing what just happened and continued on the phone.
“No, the lines are too perfect, he was more of a swivel” she continued, she looked at the menu “Cappuccino with almond milk and cinnamon and a Panini.” She said distracted,
“Make that two Panini’s and a mocha frap with extra whip cream please” the voice behind her said. It was then that it dawned on Clarke that whoever was behind her had said her name. Turning in time with the person behind her handing the cashier their credit card clearly paying for both of them. Blue locked with Forest Green and Clarke’s breathe left her lungs. After almost a year and a half Clarke was looking into the eyes of Octavia Blake. “That’s right, soak it in. I know I’m awesome.”
“Monty I’m gonna need to call you back.” She said half dazed.