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Most of the time, everything’s fine. They meet, they spar, they eat, their wives tease them. Rinse and repeat. Sometimes Goku even manages Vegeta to just spend time with him, though eventually he’ll storm off to the Gravity Room for one reason or another. Bulma worries, Goku knows, and he thinks Chichi’s starting to worry as well.
“We’re Saiyans,” he says cheerfully when it comes up at one of Bulma’s get-togethers after Videl wonders where her hostess’s husband is. “Just how we are. I wanna get stronger too, y’know.”
“Not like him,” Krillin says, patting Goku’s arm with a sympathetic grin. “You know how to take it easy sometimes. Vegeta only trains.” Goku shrugs.
“He’s Vegeta,” he replies simply, and pretends he doesn’t see the quiet sadness in Chichi’s eyes as she glances over at them.
“How’s he been, anyway?” Yamcha asks. “I’d drop by more, but…” He trails off, implying that everyone knew why he wasn’t dropping by more. Except that Goku doesn’t know.
“But what?” He asks. Yamcha blinks.
“Honestly, I don’t know,” he admits after a moment’s pause. “I guess I just never have a reason. I keep thinking I’d like to see everyone more, and then I can never think of a reason to.”
“What, my presence isn’t enough for you?” Bulma sniffs, and the conversation slowly turns to Yamcha and Bulma poking fun at each other, with the others jumping in at random points with their own quips.
Strangely grateful that the conversation has left the topic of Vegeta, Goku finds his gaze slipping to the Gravity Room. Vegeta’s in there, training away as usual, and gosh it’s been a while since they had a spar, hasn’t it? Well, maybe not too long, but long enough, and Goku decides he at least wants to see him. He’s beginning to make his way towards the chamber when Bulma calls out to him.
“Goku? Why don’t you stay here.” It’s not a question, and Goku frowns.
“I was gonna go spar with Vegeta,” he says honestly. Bulma smiles at him, but it seems strained. Her eyes look tired.
“Stay here,” she says again. “Sorry if the conversation got boring for you, but we can talk about fighting if you want to, so–”
“Did something happen?” Goku asks directly. Bulma’s gaze flickers down for a moment.
“Of course not,” she tells him. “Everything’s fine. I just get the feeling he doesn’t want to be disturbed right now, that’s all.”
“If he says he wants to be alone, I’ll come back then!” Goku responds cheerfully, and puts two fingers to his forehead before he has to think about why Bulma would lie to his face like that. One day, he thinks, he’ll have to confront that Chichi has clearly been told something that he hasn’t, that he’s been left out in a way he doesn’t understand for reasons he hasn’t been told, but that conversation can wait for a later date, and Goku doesn’t feel all that bad about postponing it.
“Goku, wait–” But he’s already gone.
---
Bone breaks beneath bone. Skin tears and bile surges. Fangs and claws and guns and screams and laughinglaughinglaughinglaughinglaughinglaughinglaughing
A tail lashing, a warning sign. His own tail tightening around his waist. Blood rushing so loudly in his ears he can hardly even hear his master speak.
Green skin out of the corner of his eye. Too dangerous to turn and look, too close to ignore. A hand on his shoulder, squeezing just a little too tightly. Doesn’t flinch.
Never show weakness.
I’m disappointed, monkey.
Failure. Not his fault, but his responsibility. The waiting is always worse than the punishment, if only because his mind fills with dread as ideas of what might come next begin to swarm him.
Failurefailurefailurefailure
Strong arms carrying him afterwards, legs too weak to stand and forbidden from getting treatment for two days. A whispered apology from a useless bodyguard.
I’ll kill you, he thinks, but he doesn’t know who.
Thinks about digging his nails underneath his skin and peeling it off and scrubbing away the rot clinging to his bones. Thinks about what Father would say, and doesn’t care as much as he thinks he should.
Thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks andthinksandthinksandthinksandthinksandthinksandthinksandthinks and thinks until he’s on a planet too gaseous to use ki and throwing punches and kicks and punches and punches and don’t blast don’t blast dontblastdontblastdontblast and stumbling through a forest with one arm pressing against the gash in his stomach and wondering if Frieza will grab hold of his spilling intestines and eat them in front of him and waking up in the isolation pod and wondering why Frieza enjoys sending him places he’s no biologically equipped to be with no mask or even an accurate briefing as a heads up and Zarbon is walking in and
nO
notagainicantnotagainimsotiredpleasenodonthurtmeanymore
I’ll kill you, spitting fire and hate to block out the laughing laughing laughing laughing don’t look at me I’ll kill you eat shit and die die die diediediediediediediediedie
Nailed to a throne of corpses (Saiyan corpses fatherhelpme) and ruling a planet of death and he can’t stop laughinglaughinglaughing until the voice coming out of his mouth is Frieza’s and he tears his throat open to rip him out.
---
Vegeta doesn’t wake up screaming. Never has. Probably. He doesn’t remember a time when the nightmares hadn’t been waiting for him behind his eyelids, but he knows that they weren’t always there, so maybe he did used to scream and just can’t remember anymore. Can’t remember a lot of things, but no one needs to know that.
Bulma might know that, but she doesn’t talk about it, and Vegeta doesn’t think about how upset she’d be if she knew how terrified he is of her knowing. How little he trusts her, even now. She deserves better, and he’s too selfish to tell her that.
Someone must know something, though, because Trunks doesn’t greet him in the morning, just looks at him and shifts slightly closer to Bulla. It’s a trap he’s plotting something they’re both plotting something kill them kill them kill them killthemkillthemkillthem
Bulma says something about a party, and Vegeta feels around the empty shell of nothingness in his chest to try and care because she deserves that but he can’t and the Gravity Room is so close by and if he can just get stronger just a little bit stronger he can protect them keep them safe drive out the monsters
Trunks is falling falling falling my son that thing killed my son I killed my son
He thinks his family is watching him as he walks towards the GR, but how can that be when he knows he’s already killed them, already blasted the stadium and laughed as they burned before him? Already fed them to the monster with his own hands.
It’ll all be okay once he’s beaten Kakarot.
---
Goku doesn’t even get the greeting out of his mouth before Vegeta is on him, and the initial burst of excitement fades with the realization that whoever Vegeta is seeing isn’t really there. Can’t be, because this isn’t how the Vegeta he knows fights. Too sloppy, no ki blasts, no taunts that Goku knows how to let slide over him like water, no steadfast determination to win.
For a moment, Goku thinks of Majin Vegeta. But even then, Vegeta had been undeniably present, undeniably himself. He’s not sure he knows who this is.
“Hey, Vegeta!” he tries, and dodges a punch to the nose. The amount of force that seems to be behind the attempted blow is off somehow, like Vegeta’s operating from a center of gravity that isn’t actually there. His ki is at the wrong level, and Goku thinks of the Vegeta who first came to Earth, although even like this Vegeta is much stronger.
He gets no response, and tries a couple more times, before deciding to just block and dodge until he can think of something. It would at least be decent training if Vegeta was fighting the way Goku knows he can, but at this rate, Goku would be better off training with Bulma. Or a plate of Chichi’s cooking.
“Chichi learned to cook from her dad,” Goku says, catching one of Vegeta’s fists. The other swings towards him, and he catches that one as well, holding them still and trying not to squeeze too hard while Vegeta tries to tug himself free, eyes still locked onto something Goku can’t see. “Did you know that? Aw man, you gotta try Ox-King’s stew sometime! It’s so good, even Chichi can’t compare! Well, not yet, anyway, but I bet she’s gonna! Maybe that’s her sorta trainin’, y’know? Hey, Yamcha’s a pretty good cook too, by the way. Did Bulma tell you that we met him in the desert? He used to be a bandit, that guy!”
Goku leans back, avoiding a knee to the chest. Vegeta snarls furiously, and Goku ignores the tightness in his gut. “Not long after we met him, I think that’s when I turned into the Oozaru. He’s the one who cut my tail off, but it grew back when I fought a dinosaur. Ah, but it was gone by the time I met you, huh. Do you ever miss your tail, Vegeta?, I miss it sometimes, but a lot less after I found out about the Oozaru thing, since that meant I’m the one who killed Grandpa. Heh, I think I would’ve been mad that Bulma and Yamcha never told me, but all I could think of after that fight was how much I wanted to fight you again! Well, that an’ bringing back Tenshinhan and the others. Oh, and I was also pretty worried about Krillin and Bulma and especially Gohan, but they ended up okay, thanks to you! Well, that’s what I figured, at least, since you guys had already teamed up by the time I got there. Hey, I never really got the chance to ask how all of that–”
“…You always talk too much, Kakarot.” Goku blinks, and Vegeta is giving him an annoyed glare. Goku beams as Vegeta roughly tugs his fists free.
“Hey, you’re here after all! I was gonna ask you to spar, but man, I’m hungry!” And I don’t think I can fight you right now, but he can’t say that. Not to Vegeta. “We sure are lucky Bulma likes parties so much, huh? Let’s go get some food!”
“Am I supposed to believe you haven’t eaten already?” Vegeta scoffs.
“I was plannin’ to work up an appetite with you!” Goku chirps, and Vegeta goes red.
“You– do you even hear yourself when you talk?” he snaps. Goku laughs.
“I didn’t say anything weird! Maybe Bulma’s rubbing off on you!” he teases. Vegeta goes even redder.
“You’re doing it on purpose now, you vulgar little–!”
They continue to bicker as they move to rejoin the others, and Goku thinks about holding Vegeta’s hand. He wants to, quite badly, but something in his stomach churns at the thought. Even if they hadn’t fused, even if Goku didn’t know Vegeta half as well as he does, it’s all too obvious that Vegeta prefers to avoid physical contact. Occasionally he lets Bulma or their children or sometimes even Goku himself get away with it, but on the whole it isn’t something he likes. And now, Goku knows, is not the time to push that boundary.
“…I do, by the way,” Vegeta says suddenly, as they exit the GR. Goku frowns.
“Uh…. What?”
“Miss my tail.”
“Oh. We can wish it back, you know.”
“I know. Bulma has offered. Several times.”
“So…?”
“…I miss lots of things, Kakarot. But the Dragon Balls should be reserved for emergencies. I have spent most of my life with the knowledge that what is lost may never be regained.” Vegeta is silent for a moment, and Goku turns to see his rival’s gaze directed at the sky. “I don’t have any interest in the past. The Oozaru will fade into a legend, most likely. That is… fine. I can live without my tail. Let the Dragon Balls be reserved for the future, not the past.”
“…I don’t get it, but if you say it’s fine, I guess it’s fine.”
Vegeta snorts but says nothing as they arrive at the party. Bulma glances between them and shakes her head with amusement.
“Bet you boys are hungry!” She calls. “Although it serves you right for not eating breakfast this morning, Vegeta!”
“I suppose I should be grateful you didn’t feed everything to some other Saiyan just to spite me,” her husband retorts drily.
“Oh, you found out about my backup husband stockpiling, huh? Just a bunch of hot beefy men waiting to steal me away~”
“…Don’t lie. There are hot beefy women too and you know it.” Bulma cackles at that, blowing Chichi a kiss. Vegeta’s attention turns to Pan’s attempts to get Bulla to spar with her, and Goku sidled up to Bulma.
“Next time,” he says quietly. “Just tell me the truth, okay? It doesn’t have to be in front of everyone, but it hurts when you lie to me. I’m not a kid anymore, Bulma. I can handle scary Saiyan secrets now.” It comes out a bit more bitter than he means for it too, but Bulma seems to understand.
“I know, Goku, I really do. But you’re– I really do see you as a little brother, okay? That, and I have some pride of my own, you know? I… I want to be able to handle this stuff as well. As a friend and as a wife, but as a mom too.” She sighs, glancing over at Vegeta to make sure he’s fully absorbed in encouraging the girls to violence (much to Gohan and Trunks’s consternation, though Marron seems to be on Vegeta’s side). “I know it’s unfair, but it’s also unfair that Trunks has to worry if his dad is gonna hurt his baby sister.”
“Vegeta wouldn’t–”
“On purpose? Of course not. But that’s not always the case, Goku. You know that. And if he did, if he seriously hurt any of us– I don’t think he’d survive that. Dragon Balls or no Dragon Balls.” Bulma sighs. “And you can be reckless when it comes to him. I know things worked out this time, but there’s no telling if it’ll be the same next time.”
And there would be a next time, Goku realizes. No matter how much he deeply wishes there wouldn’t be.
“I won’t let him hurt anyone,” Goku says firmly. “He knows that.”
“He does,” Bulma agrees. “He knows damn well that you’ll stop him if you’re there. But you aren’t always there, and he knows that too. It kills him to know his family has to be prepared to evacuate at any second. It kills him to know that he wants Bulla to reach Super Saiyan so badly because it could keep her alive if he looks at her and sees someone else. But Dragon Balls can’t wish away trauma.” She looks down at her feet. “Trust me on that.”
“You tried?” Bulma doesn’t answer, but she doesn’t need to. And Goku doesn’t need to tell her that that was a bad idea. He doesn’t ask how angry Vegeta was when he found out, assuming he did. He understands the impulse, but overall, he thinks it would probably do more harm than good. He thinks he understands what Vegeta meant about his tail a little better now, though. “‘Let the Dragon Balls be reserved for the future, not the past,’” he says.
Bulma raises an eyebrow. “Who said that?” she asks. “Seems a bit philosophical for you.” Goku laughs.
“Vegeta, just a bit ago.”
“That right? Bit philosophical for him too, but I suppose I can see it.” She hears a sniff and turns to see Goku staring at his knees. “Goku? Everything okay?”
“…I wanna hold him,” Goku confesses. And he knows it’s not fair to say that to Bulma, who understands every bit how he feels but who isn’t strong enough for Vegeta to ever consider falling asleep around. He remembers her face when she realized the two men had remained in the same bed overnight, even though she’d done the same with Chichi. He knows she still feels jealous, just as they both know that Vegeta is right – one bad dream, and he could be waking up next to a smear of blood instead of a wife. He doesn’t have to worry about that with Goku, and – in spite of all his strength – Goku’s never had to worry about that at all. “I wanna hold him,” he says again, trying to pretend there isn’t heat building up behind his eyes, that there isn’t the itch of grief in his nose. “I wanna hold him and be next to him and make him feel safe and love him like I love Chichi an’ like Chichi loves you an’ you love her but I can’t do that. I can’t, because everything that means ‘safe’ to me means somethings else to him, and he’ll never be able to forgive me if I pity him about it, but I hate feeling so helpless.”
Bulma has every right in the world to say “now you know how I feel”, but she doesn’t, and Goku feels gratitude blooming in his chest. She leans her head on his shoulder. “Loving Vegeta is one of the hardest things in the world,” she says softly. “Right up there with loving us back, for him, and making sure we don’t all drive ourselves up a wall, for Chichi. But we get up every day and keep doing it. All four of us. That’s not nothing, Goku. Even if it doesn’t feel like enough sometimes.”
“…Do you think it’ll be like this forever?” Goku whispers, unable to look at her.
“If it stays like this forever, isn’t that better than things getting worse?” Bulma responds simply. “He’s not alone, and neither are we. I’ve told you this before, Goku, but in case you need to hear it again: loving someone isn’t really up to you. But being in a relationship, that’s a choice. A choice you have to keep making, again and again. And–”
“And if I can’t keep makin’ it, that’s okay.” Goku finishes. “I like this choice, though. I wanna keep makin’ it. I just– I just wish I knew what to do more often.”
“Sometimes you can’t do anything,” Bulma points out. “You’re not a kid, like you said, but neither is Vegeta. Even if you both act like it sometimes. There’s so much going on in his head sometimes, I don’t know how he can stand it. We can’t force him to talk to us, though. No matter how tempting it can be to try.”
“We’re all still here, like Bulma said,” Chichi adds from behind them, and Bulma smiles at her girlfriend. “For now, that’ll have to be enough.” From where Pan and Bulla are now wrestling in the dirt, Vegeta looks over at them and raises an eyebrow. Bulma blows him a kiss and Trunks and Goten pretend to gag while Vegeta rolls his eyes, but Goku sees the light flush of his cheeks. With a huff of laughter from his nose, Goku tilts his head back to look at the sky.
He closes his eyes and lets the sunlight sink through his skin and past his bones, warming his soul.
Yeah, he thinks.
For now, at least, this is enough.