Archive of Our Own

 Fly me to the moon

Let me play among the stars

Let me see what spring is like on

A-Jupiter and Mars

There isn’t much poetry to be found in the frantic rush of a Monday morning, but there is infinite prose Mark could write about the particular despair in Donghyuck’s eyes as he clings tighter to his soft toys. 

"Hyuck-ah, I’m sorry buddy but you can't bring all of your toys to kindy." The despair turns to defiance, burning like a dark flame in the moon-like eyes of his toddler. “Can you choose one please?” 

Donghyuck’s pout remains firmly buried in the space between two of the four stuffed toys haphazardly squeezed against his body. His little hands grip tighter to the worn fabric of his favourite lion, Papa. “Don’t wanna.” 

Mark groans softly in the back of his throat. Toddlers are hard. 

“Okay, tell you what. Why don’t you bring Papa to kindy today and tomorrow you can bring someone else? So no one gets left out.” 

Donghyuck doesn’t even budge. “But dey’ll be sad.” 

“I’ll take care of them.” It’s not like Mark will have anything better to do with his day, besides worry about Donghyuck’s first day of kindy and attempt to catch up on all the writing he’s perpetually behind on. Donghyuck finally hesitates, lower lip pulled between baby teeth as he thinks it over. 

“...You pwomise?” 

“Of course baby. I’ll take care of them like I take care of you.” 

“You’ll give dem cuddles and- and play wif dem if dey get lonely?” 

“Promise.” Mark holds a pinky finger out, back of his neck prickling as the seconds tick by and they’re still not in the car. Donghyuck still looks wary, but after a moment there’s a tiny pinky wrapping around Mark’s own and Donghyuck unceremoniously drops all of his stuffed toys bar one. 

“Okayyyyy.” Mark scoops Donghyuck up in his arms, the high-pitched giggle he lets out music to Mark’s ears, and grabs Donghyuck’s brand new teddy bear backpack off the floor to sling over his shoulders. “Ready for your first day of kindy?”  

Donghyuck nods enthusiastically, squeezing Papa closer to his body as Mark locks up. 

“Dad can we- can we get ice cream after?” 

“Sure thing baby.” Mark lies. 

Mark wonders, not for the first time and certainly not for the last, if what he’s feeling is normal. What he’s feeling, currently sitting in the parking lot of Donghyuck’s new kindy, is how he’s seen a lot of parents describe empty nest syndrome. Except Donghyuck is four and he’ll be home in 6 hours. 

“Dad what are you doing?” 

Mark startles, looking at Donghyuck through the rearview mirror. 

"Are you nervous?" Mark deflects. Donghyuck shrugs against his booster seat. 

“A little.” 

“It’ll be fine.” He’s not sure who he’s trying to convince at this point. “You’ll be home before you even know it.” 

He unbuckles his own seatbelt, finally, putting on a brave face for the sake of his son. Donghyuck seems completely unbothered about the whole ordeal, which should be comforting but only serves to make Mark even more anxious. 

It’s fine. He can do this. He just needs to make it through the first day. 

“Uh, excuse me-” Mark waves down one of the kindergarten teachers the moment they step inside, Donghyuck in his arms gazing wide-eyed at the art pinned up on every wall. 

“Oh hey, you must be Mark?” The teacher greets, his shoulder-length blonde hair half tied up with a wild daisy haphazardly stuck behind his ear. Mark shakes his hand and lets Donghyuck down when he starts to wiggle restlessly. 

“Hey, yeah and this is Donghyuck.” Mark stops Donghyuck as he tries to rush off in the direction of the art supplies. “Hyuck, say hi.”

“Hi.” Donghyuck says, not really paying attention. “Dad, can I go play now?” 

“In a second bud.” 

“Oh, he’s free to go.” The teacher says and crouches down to address Donghyuck directly. “Do you wanna leave your shoes in a cubby hole while I talk to your dad?” 

“Okay.” Donghyuck answers obediently, rushing off before Mark can stop him again. Mark’s hands feel empty now, filled with nervous energy so he shoves them into his jean pockets and tries to calm down. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” The teacher comforts, giving him a sympathetic pat on the back. Mark finally notices his name tag that spells out ‘Johnny’ in big English letters, with ‘Seo Youngho’ in Hangul directly below it. “It’ll get easier.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Mark replies, trying to appear less frazzled than he actually is. “What did we need to talk about?” 

“Oh just some boring paperwork-” 

“I’m four!!” Mark hears the unmistakable screech of Donghyuck from across the room, and turns to see him thrusting his little hand under the nose of another kindergarten teacher, this one with hair the colour of clouds during a winter sunset; soft pastel pink with flickers of gold. Mark’s muse bursts to life, his hands itching for a pen and paper to capture the way the teacher’s smile tilts crooked on one side and his eyelashes brush up against his cheek when he laughs. 

“Wooww you’re so big!” The teacher matches Donghyuck’s enthusiasm with godlike ease. Mark can’t see his nametag from here. “Can you show me how many on your fingers?” 

“This many!” Donghyuck doesn’t even stop to think about it, still holding all five fingers up to the teacher’s face and Mark fights the urge to bury his head in the sandpit outside. Johnny chuckles beside him and the back of his neck flushes. 

He clears his throat. “Paperwork?”

Johnny grins, gesturing behind him. “Right this way.”

“Mr Lee! You’re right on time!” 

Mark nearly jumps out of his skin the minute he walks into the kindergarten that afternoon, whirling around to find the cotton-candy haired teacher pushing a trolley of food out of a back room with another teacher hot on his heels. Mark doesn’t claim to know much about kindergarten teachers but after today he’s pretty certain that being attractive has got to be one of the job requirements; that and having a smile that makes the sun look like a dying lightbulb. 

“Hi, I’m Kim Jiwoo.” The other teacher introduces herself, shuffling past Cotton Candy to take Mark’s hand in greeting. Her smile is blinding, the sort of smile Mark pictures when he thinks of pure happiness. It’s a patch of sunlight on a winter’s day, warming his insides and healing his soul. Mark’s nerves dissipate as he finds himself genuinely smiling back. 

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Lee Mark, Donghyuck’s dad. But you knew that already.” He laughs awkwardly, mourning the years of his life when he had interactions with people that weren’t either screaming four year olds or supermarket employees. 

“Na Jaemin.” Cotton Candy introduces himself, having pulled the food trolley to the side of the tiny corridor. “But the kids call me Nana.” 

“Yeah, nice to meet you.” Mark breathes, trying not to get distracted by all the metaphors shooting into his brain as his eyes greedily take in the features of Jaemin’s face from up close. God, Mark really should get out more. “I thought I was early?” 

The teachers resume maneuvering the food trolley, guiding it towards the left wall where a collection of brightly coloured tables sit, cleared of the clutter that littered them when Mark was there that morning. On the far side of the room Johnny sits at the head of a circle of children, reading aloud a story about a bear hunt. 

“Oh you are.” Jaemin laughs gently as he brushes up next to Mark, handing him a stack of paper plates. “New parents always show up around snack time on the first day.” 

“Oh.” Mark winces, face hot. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t worry about it. I promise your kid still has all nine fingers he had this morning.” Jaemin murmurs, his voice a deep rumble that will be on Mark’s mind for the next week at least. Mark laughs politely, a portion of his anxieties eased, and busies himself with distributing plates and searching for his son in the circle, eventually finding him curled up, quiet and attentive as he listens to the story. Mark doesn’t think he’s ever seen Donghyuck so well-behaved before. For some reason, it worries him. 

“Donghyuck is a lot of fun.” Jaemin says out of nowhere, straightening up from laying the last plastic cup against a table mat. Mark can’t immediately pinpoint the expression on his face as his gaze finds Donghyuck. 

“He is?” He’s not really sure he wants to know what Donghyuck has gotten up to today to warrant a comment like that. “Why? What did he do?” 

“Oh- nothing.” Jaemin reassures, the end of his sentence drowned out by Johnny calling for snack break. A hand lands on Mark’s elbow, squeezing ever so lightly as Mark’s heart kick-starts in his chest. “Hey, he’s an amazing kid, you have nothing to worry about.” 

“Oh geez uh.. th-thanks.” He scratches the back of his head, half-heartedly waving as Jaemin excuses himself to go help the kids wash their hands. He berates the butterflies in his stomach; now is not the time for that. He tries to squash them down, he really does, but then… 

But then he sees Jaemin with his kid, rolling his sleeves up like Mark always has to, and his lonely, mildly horny heart leaps at the domesticity of it all. Donghyuck is beaming up at him as he rattles on about one thing or another, stars in his eyes when Jaemin must laugh at one of his jokes. It’s one thing if Mark has a stupid crush on a kindergarten teacher; it’s another thing entirely if his kid is just as infatuated, and more obviously so. 

Mark sighs, resigning himself to his fate. As long as it doesn’t affect Donghyuck’s kindergarten experience, he can deal with a little one-sided crush. 

But then he hears it. 

"Thanks Dad." 

Mark has read a lot of parenting books. Like, an entire library section worth. He’s pretty sure he could recite his favourites by heart if anyone ever asked. He knows them inside and out — and anything that isn’t covered in the books are always a keystroke away. 

And yet absolutely nothing could have prepared him for this.

Mark completely shuts down, his brain struggling to understand the implications of what Donghyuck just said. He makes eye contact with Jaemin, who looks just as thrown off kilter as he feels. He watches Jaemin bend down and say something to Donghyuck, much more patient and put together than Mark could ever manage. He sees Donghyuck shake his head and cross his arms and god . Day one and Mark already needs to find a new kindy.

And then somehow, it gets worse. 

The rest of the parents show up after snack time and the kids are let go, and Donghyuck is hiding behind the teacher's chair, gripping Jaemin's pant leg tight in his little fist and looking at Mark like he's a complete stranger. 

"Hyuckie." Mark will not cry. "Come on buddy, it's home time. Say goodbye to Nana." 

Donghyuck shakes his head, thumb in his mouth and brows furrowed in the ultimate display of defiance. Mark breathes in through his nose, putting on the authoritative voice he despises using.

"Donghyuck, don't be silly. You can't stay here all night." 

"Don't care." Donghyuck mumbles. "Not going." 

Mark resists the urge to sigh, or scream, and addresses Jaemin. 

"I'm really really sorry about this." He means it, this is mortifying . "He's not usually like this." 

"Ayy, don’t worry about it." Jaemin waves him off, kind and unbothered and everything Mark strives to be. He crouches down, gently tugging Donghyuck away from his leg so he can look at him. 

"Hey buddy." He starts, voice molten honey. "You wanna know a secret?" 

Donghyuck nods frantically, eyes wide and shiny, thumb being absolutely obliterated by his blunt baby teeth. 

Jaemin leans in closer, voice dropping in volume but not pitch. "Going to sleep is a bit like time travelling, isn’t it? So, when you go to bed tonight all you have to do is close your eyes and then it'll be tomorrow before you know it!" 

Donghyuck gapes up at Jaemin in wonder. 

"Weawy?" He speaks around his thumb; Mark watches a string of saliva land on his shirt and grimaces internally. 

"Promise." Jaemin says, hand on heart, gazing down at Donghyuck with as much sincerity as a kindergarten teacher can muster towards a kid that's keeping him from going home. Mark is honestly fucking impressed — he buys it. 

“Okay!” Donghyuck holds a grubby pinkie out and Jaemin doesn't hesitate at all, linking their fingers and accepting the hug Donghyuck gives him straight after. 

Mark watches all of this, helpless towards the slippery slope his heart is currently riding and mentally taking parenting notes for later. 

"Ready to go Hyuck?" He finally rejoins the conversation with a little bit more hope than before, reaching out for his son's hand. Donghyuck finally looks at him, eyes still shining with leftover Jaemin-induced wonder, and wraps his hand around two of Mark's fingers. Maybe Mark will cry after all. 

"Thank you so much." He whispers to Jaemin as they both stand, suppressing the old man groan that wants to burst out of him as his legs struggle to adjust for a second. 

"Don't worry about it." Jaemin responds with a kind smile, starting to lead them all to the cloak bay. Mark has the innate urge to give Jaemin all of his money if it means he can get another shot at a first impression, preferably with a less difficult child this time. Still, nothing in Jaemin's expression or body language looks disingenuous so maybe Mark hasn't been as much of a disaster as he feels. Maybe. 

Also, Jaemin gives him his number — for Donghyuck-related emergencies only — so he’s probably won some pity points. Which is fine.

God. Jaemin is just ridiculously attractive. Mark is the worst. And it's- y'know, it's fine. This certainly isn’t the first time he’s fallen for someone so quickly; he'll get over it just as fast. 

Hopefully. 

In other words

Hold my hand

Donghyuck hasn't stopped crying for almost half an hour and at this point Mark is seconds away from bursting into tears himself. 

"Hyuckie please." He begs. "Tell me what's wrong baby, I don't like seeing you upset like this." 

"I want Dad." Donghyuck whines, hot tears flowing down his face to drip onto his teddy bear onesie. 

"I'm right here baby." Mark rubs his head through the hood of his pjs, trying to calm himself down in the process. He's never had this much difficulty putting Donghyuck to bed and he's not sure how much more of this his heart can handle. 

"No, I want Nana." Donghyuck rubs at his eyes and sniffles wetly, gently shaking his head. 

“Nana’s not your dad.” Mark tries for stern but it doesn’t come out nearly as strong as he hopes, heart softened by the despair in his son’s eyes.

“I want Nana.” Donghyuck cries again, louder this time and Mark sighs in exasperation, unable to think of any better options. 

"Alright baby, I'll see if I can get him." 

He's more than grateful that Jaemin gave him his number but that doesn't mean he feels good about calling the man outside of work hours. Even so, he still sort of hopes Jaemin isn’t busy because he feels like he's on his last leg. 

"Hello?" 

"Oh uh-" Mark clears his throat. He didn't expect him to pick up so quickly, if at all, and now he's left floundering like a fish. "I-is this Jaemin?" 

"Yes, who am I speaking with?" 

"It's Mark? Mark Lee? My son goes to Sunflower-"

"Oh! Hello Mark, what do you need?" 

Mark pauses at what sounds like genuine fondness in Jaemin's voice, not a trace of irritability. Is he pushing his luck?

"I'm... I'm really sorry to bother you so late but it's Donghyuck he um- he won't go to sleep and I've tried everything but he keeps asking for you and I don't know-" He sighs shakily, glimpsing back at Donghyuck still sulking on his bed; cheeks puffed out, arms crossed, sweater paws made out of actual paws. If Mark weren't so high strung he'd be thinking about how adorable his son is when he’s moping. 

"Oh no." Jaemin sympathises, genuine concern leaking through the phone speakers. "Do you want me to come over?" 

Mark's immediate response is a very loud and startled NO , but he catches himself.

"I don't know." He answers instead, honest. He has no idea what he's even thinking anymore. "What do you think I should do?" 

Donghyuck picks that exact moment to start wailing at the top of his lungs and throws Papa across the room to hit Mark directly in the back of the head, the toy making a soft thud against Mark’s skull. Mark sighs directly into the phone without thinking.

"Send me your address." Jaemin offers, voice gentle like Mark will snap at any moment. "I'll leave right away." 

Mark thanks him distractedly as Donghyuck's screams increase in both volume and pitch, and hangs up the phone with a sense of defeat and a rising urge to clean the entire house. 

Jaemin looks stunning when Mark opens the door to him half an hour later. Mark hasn’t seen him much in the few weeks Donghyuck has been at kindy now, only sticking around the appropriate five minutes for drop off and pick up, but it’s becoming apparent that he is, unfortunately, no less infatuated than he was on the first day. His stupid heart still yearns .

"Hey." Jaemin smiles. "How's Hyuck?" 

Mark silently clears his throat, reality settling back in like he’s been lowered into an ice bath. "Not much better." He steps aside to let Jaemin through the door. He left Donghyuck in his room, sitting up in bed still sniffling. 

“Did you take his temperature?” 

“Uh, yeah.” Mark leads them both through the house to the source of the crying. “I don’t think he has a fever.”

They reach the bedroom, and Donghyuck takes one look at Jaemin and stops crying, like when someone abruptly cuts off the water flow of a hose by bending it. 

“Aigoo.” Jaemin coos softly, padding into the room on socked feet. “You poor thing.” 

Donghyuck whines softly, mouth pulling further down into a pouty-frown and eyes wide and glassy like the reflection of the full moon on a still lake. Jaemin walks over and crouches down until they’re eye to eye, placing the back of his hand gently against Donghyuck’s forehead. 

“He doesn’t have a fever.” Jaemin confirms for Mark. “What’s wrong baby? Are you hurt?” 

Donghyuck sadly nods, the ears of his bear onesie flopping gently atop his head. 

“Can you show Nana where?” 

Donghyuck hesitates for a moment, staring deep into Jaemin's equally big eyes, before pointing at the middle of his chest.

"Your chest hurts?" 

Donghyuck slowly shakes his head. "Heart." 

"Oh baby, why does your heart hurt?" 

Donghyuck finally looks at Mark; just a flicker of his gaze before he shrugs and looks at the floor. 

Jaemin is quiet for a moment, looks at Mark, hovering by the doorway, and it clicks. "I think I know what's going on." 

He turns back to Donghyuck, gesturing to Mark behind them. "Are you upset because you miss your dad?" 

"No." Donghyuck answers primly, and Jaemin's expression goes confused for a moment before Donghyuck finishes. "He’s not my dad." 

Jaemin sighs; Mark's chest pangs. 

"Hyuck don't be silly-" 

"You're not my dad!" Donghyuck screams directly at Mark, red faced. "Dad plays wif me and cuts the yucky bits off my sammiches and sings to me when I'm sad! You're stinky and don’t play wif me no more so Mr Nana is my dad!"

Mark blanches at the sudden outburst. He didn't think Donghyuck even cared about going to kindy, he never said anything. He thought Donghyuck would have at least told him if he was upset, but this is the first Mark’s ever heard of it. God, is this his fault? Is he just a terrible father?

"Oh, Hyuck." Mark's bottom lip wobbles, his eyes feeling suspiciously damp. He can't even describe how awful he feels, like his stomach is a black hole of guilt. "Buddy I'm so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?"

Donghyuck looks away, crossing his arms. Mark can't even look at Jaemin, terrified of what he must be thinking. 

"You know what, let's just get you to bed, shall we Hyuckie?" Jaemin stands to retrieve Papa from next to Mark's feet. "We can talk about this in the morning." 

"Will you still be here tomowwow?" 

Jaemin sighs. "No buddy, but you'll see me at kindy, okay?" 

"Okay…" Donghyuck finally, finally settles under his covers, thumb in his mouth as Mark follows Jaemin to the door and flicks off the main light. 

"Goodnight Hyuck." Jaemin says. Mark stands outside the room, back to the wall, trying not to cry like a pathetic idiot. 

"G'night." 

A steaming cup of tea is placed by Mark's head, currently buried in his arms on the dining room table. He mumbles his thanks and hears the chair across from him lightly scrape against the floor. 

"Mark." Jaemin starts, a warm hand resting atop of one of Mark’s. "This isn’t that bad, you know? These things happen, it's actually way more common than you'd think." 

"Really?" Mark glances up at him. 

Jaemin blinks, faltering under Mark’s direct gaze. "No, not really. I just wanted you to feel better." 

Mark snorts out a dry laugh and buries his face in his hands, shaking off Jaemin’s hand and trying not to think about how his skin tingles where they made contact. "Thanks." 

"But you are a great dad." Jaemin grabs Mark's forearm this time, shaking it like the reassurance will settle better if it vibrates directly into Mark's skin. "And none of this is your fault, that part wasn't a lie." 

"I just don't know what I'm supposed to do." Mark sighs, parting his hands to stare sadly at the table, hands cupping his own jaw. "Wait until he turns 5 and send him directly to school?" 

"No no no, we can get past this." Mark's brain helpfully focuses on the 'we' part of that sentence and nothing else. 

"How?" 

Jaemin chews on his lip, eyes sympathetic when they meet Mark's sad ones. "Well… um… how flexible is your job?" 

“I work from home.” Mark answers. “Why?”

“Okay, hear me out.” Jaemin takes a sip of his own drink, settling back into his chair like he lives there. “Would it be possible to get one or two days off a week to come to kindy with Hyuck?” 

Mark’s boss is pretty laid back, and has a kid of his own around Donghyuck’s age. “Maybe? But I’d probably have to do weekends to cover.” 

“That’s alright, I can watch Hyuck on weekends.” 

“Wait woah-” Mark reels back, nearly knocking over his tea. “You don’t- that- I mean, like, are you sure?”

Jaemin laughs, leaning his cheek on his hand and watching Mark with fond interest. “I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t. I can come watch him while you do your work, distraction free.” 

Mark definitely won’t be free of distractions if Jaemin is in his house, but he doesn’t have the courage to say that out loud. “But.. I mean why?” 

Jaemin shrugs. 

“I like Donghyuck.” He says, but Mark gets an inkling it's not Donghyuck Jaemin is really doing this for. Still, he’s never been one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

“Okay. Yeah, let’s do this.” 

In other words

Baby kiss me

"Daaaaaaaaaaad." Donghyuck tugs on Mark's shirt, jumping up and down as Mark stretches, his bedroom door swinging closed behind him, work finished for the night.

"Yes baby?" Mark yawns, placing a hand on Donghyuck’s head to silently signal him to calm down. 

"Can Nana stay for dinner?" 

"Oh uh…" Mark flounders. "I-I don't know baby I think Jaemin might want to have dinner with his own family." 

"But we're having pasgetti and Nana loves pasgetti and you make the best most delicious pasgetti in the entire world!!" Donghyuck nearly catches Mark in the eye as he gestures enthusiastically, still bouncing against Mark’s hand. "So you have to let him eat wif us pleeeeeeeeease."

And really, how can he say no to those innocent little eyes? Mark is a weak man. 

"Alright, I'll ask him but if he says no-"

Donghyuck squeals loudly, cutting off the rest of Mark's sentence and rushing out of the room to go find Jaemin, presumably. Mark stumbles off in the direction of the kitchen as he listens to Donghyuck babbling at the speed of light in the other room. 

Jaemin looks up at him as soon as he walks into the living room, eyes curving up as he smiles in greeting, arm in the vice grip of Donghyuck who's shaking it as he tells his story. 

Mark clears his throat. "Um, Jaemin, did you uh- I mean, would you like to stay for dinner tonight?" 

"We're having pasgetti!!" Donghyuck yells. 

Jaemin laughs, looking between the both of them before landing on Mark. "I love pasgetti."

Mark smiles, unable to stop himself, letting it grow into a laugh as Jaemin grins back, Donghyuck celebrating between them by doing victory bounces. 

"I'll uh-" Mark clears his throat when his voice breaks. "I'll go start it then. Could you help Donghyuck wash up?”

Jaemin salutes very seriously. “Yes sir.” He says and disappears around the corner with Donghyuck, leaving Mark alone to cook dinner and definitely not think about how fast Jaemin has settled into their lives. 

It’s been just him and Donghyuck for so long that it’s beginning to scare him how dependent he’s become on someone who was practically a stranger not too long ago. He worries, sometimes, if he’s making a mistake somehow. 

Most of the time he tries not to think about it.

“Dinner’s ready!” He calls after an hour of brooding and spaghetti cooking. Jaemin jumps up from the couch, where he was watching Donghyuck struggle with a puzzle on the coffee table.

"Ladies and gentlemen this is your Captain speaking.” Jaemin does his best impersonation of an airplane announcement. “Welcome aboard flight NA265 to Dinnerland. We ask all passengers to please fasten their seatbelts and prepare for take off." Donghyuck squeals as Jaemin scoops him off the floor and begins flying him around the room. Mark listens on with a fond smile to his son giggling and screeching as Jaemin maneuvers him towards the dining table, nyoom-ing the entire way. 

Mark finishes setting the table just as Donghyuck gets settled on his booster seat, happily kicking his legs as Jaemin takes the seat next to him. Mark has to take a moment to appreciate the late sunlight trickling down through the skylight onto Jaemin's face, illuminating his soft pink hair as he rolls Donghyuck's sleeves up. He flicks the dining room light on a beat later, feeling that familiar itch in his fingertips, a thousand words running through his head.

"Mark?" Jaemin calls, smiling up at him, pearly whites digging ever so slightly into his bottom lip as he waits for dinner. Mark jolts with the urge to just lean over the table and kiss him in front of God and his four year old, like this is a Sunday evening family dinner with his husband and their kid and not a last minute meal with his son and essentially an unpaid babysitter. 

Now this; this feeling of something deeper than a crush, wanting more than he can safely have without putting both his and his son’s emotions in a dangerous gamble; this definitely wasn't part of the plan. 

Fill my heart with song

And let me sing for evermore

There's a wrinkle quickly forming between Jiwon's eyebrows, the curve of her smile slanting down just the slightest. 

"Mr Lee." She greets him as he toes off his shoes. Her cheery voice has taken on a hint of worry. "Jaemin was just looking for you." 

Mark's anxiety crashes down on him like being blindsided by a tidal wave. 

"Is Hyuck okay?!" He doesn't mean to scream; a few of the kids around them go silent as another kid bursts into tears. Jiwon frowns at him like he just pushed the kid into the sandpit and he feels properly scolded. 

"I'll go find him for you." She offers, tilting her head at the crying toddler. Mark takes the hint. 

The kid flinches a little at the speed with which Mark crouches down in front of him, wide eyes shiny and red. Jiwon clears her throat as she disappears. 

"Um." Mark begins. He's not completely incompetent - he likes to think he's done a great job raising Hyuck actually. Other kids though. Hm. 

"I'm sorry buddy." He says, making his voice as gentle as possible like he does when he's putting Donghyuck to sleep. The kid stares up at him unblinking, chin tucked into his chest. "Are you okay?" 

The kid shakes his head and makes a sad little noise that makes Mark's chest concave. 

"Aw man." He racks his brain for something, anything he can do to make this kid stop crying before Jaemin finds out and all hope is lost for him. Premature embarrassment hits him in a flush of blood across his cheeks as he thinks of an idea, then fails to think of anything less awkward.

This is fine. Do it for the children, Mark.

He starts singing, and as if it couldn't get any more mortifying, the small bubble of noise surrounding him goes quiet. He's by no means a good singer, but Donghyuck always calms down whenever he sings to him so it's really the only plan he's got for a kid he doesn't know and can't threaten with the tickle monster. 

By some god given miracle, it actually works. The sniffles stop and the kid goes quiet, listening to the words of the lullaby Mark's been singing to Donghyuck since the day he was born. Mark pats himself on the back when the kid finally waddles off with a happy smile underneath all his wet goopy tears, then flushes all across his body when a few of the nearby kids start clapping and screaming in excitement. 

"Wow." Jaemin's baritone completely catches Mark off guard and he springs to his feet, whirling on the man so fast he gets whiplash. (Or maybe that's just his innate reaction to seeing Jaemin.) "Impressive." 

"J-Jaemin." He stutters like a twelve year old. "Hey. Sup." 

"Hey." Jaemin's smile is softer than usual; careful. "Are you free?" 

"Uh. Yeah I guess." Mark stands, shaking out his legs from crouching. "Is it Hyuck?" 

"Oh, no he's in the sandpit." Jaemin's smile is turning strained, a line forming between his eyebrows. "Can I borrow you for a second?" 

"O-of course, yeah." 

Jaemin tilts his head, gesturing towards the back rooms and Mark helplessly and anxiously follows. The back room is musty, stacked with filing cabinets and a serious looking table pushed up against the only window. Compared to the rest of the kindergarten it's much more corporate and sad, like an examination room, with only a single playmat and small toy box in the far corner. 

It does not help to ease Mark's worries when he walks into the room and spots Johnny sitting at the table. 

"Mark, come in, take a seat." Johnny greets, gesturing to the seat in front of him without standing. 

"Tea, coffee?" Jaemin turns to ask him, standing to the side of the door so Mark can enter the room. 

"Uh. Tea would be great." Mark answers distractedly. He's getting war flashbacks to being called into the principal's office at high school and his skin crawls. Jaemin silently slips out of the room, the door clicking softly behind him as Mark finally takes a seat. 

"Is this about Donghyuck?" Mark asks. "Did he do something wrong?" 

"No no, he did nothing wrong. I actually wanted to talk to you about Jaemin." Johnny is polite, warm and friendly, but Mark goes still. 

"Jaemin...?"

Johnny nods. His hands are folded on the table in front of them, a patient smile on his face as he explains. "Jaemin is an excellent teacher, one of the best I've seen at this kindergarten. But I feel I have reason to be concerned about a conflict of interest." 

Coldness settles into Mark's bones like the biting frost of a winter morning. "With Donghyuck?" 

Johnny nods. "And with you, Mark." 

"Me?" 

"Do you think every kindy teacher offers to babysit on weekends, for free?" Johnny asks, voice delicate but firm. "After spending the rest of the week surrounded by kids and getting paid for it?" 

Mark shakes his head slowly. Jaemin reenters the room with a small knock, steaming cup of tea in his hands that he sets down in front of Mark before silently dropping into the seat next to him.

"Now, I'm not saying the arrangements you two have need to stop. Jaemin has explained the situation to me so I understand why they were implemented in the first place. But I think you both need to take a step back and think about how this looks from the outside."

Mark hangs his head in shame, taking a sip of tea that scolds his insides.

"And Mark, I know you think you're doing what's best for Donghyuck, but you need to start thinking of the future. What do you think will happen once he starts going to school?" 

Johnny lets his words sink in, watching the two of them in silence. 

"I won't tell you what to do, that's not what I brought you in for. I just wanted to make sure that you both think this through properly before it continues any further." 

"We will." Jaemin confirms. 

"Thank you." Johnny says. "Donghyuck is a great kid, Mark, you should feel really proud. I just don't want him to get too attached to this arrangement." 

Too attached to Jaemin is what he really means to say. 

"Thank you, Johnny. I'll think about it." 

You are all I long for

All I worship and adore

"Dad, how come Nana doesn't come over no more? Does he not like me now?" 

Mark startles, nearly knocking an entire frypan off the stovetop as he whirls on his son. "What?" 

"Well," Donghyuck begins, using the same patient tone Mark uses when he explains things. "It’s like how Jeno sat wif me before when we had ahtahnoon tea but he doesn’t no more ‘cause he says I was too loud and he doesn't like me. Is dat why Nana don't play wif me now? Cause I'm loud?" 

"Oh, Hyuck." Mark flusters, hands shaking as he turns the stove down. This is only the second weekend of their new arrangement but it appears both Lees are feeling the absence of one kindergarten teacher all the same. "No he… I changed my work schedule back so he doesn’t need to come over anymore." 

Donghyuck is quiet, the silence itching at Mark right down to his bones. He looks back to find Donghyuck pouting. 

"He still likes you, bud." Mark reassures, abandoning dinner for a moment to pull Donghyuck in for a hug. "And you’re not too loud." 

"But-" Donghyuck whimpers. "But he doesn't play wif me at kindy neeva but he plays wif da uvah kids."

"Hey, but I saw you in the sandpit together just yesterday." 

Donghyuck buries his face in Mark's shoulder, his words muffled and scrambled so much Mark almost misses their meaning. "We wasn't playing he was telling me off ‘cause I frew sand at Jeno." 

"Donghyuck-" Mark starts.

"He started it!" Donghyuck pulls away, bouncing in his seat in agitation. "He called me weird!" 

"Hyuck you can't throw sand at people who are mean to you." Mark scolds lightly. 

"Why not." Donghyuck huffs. 

"Because... because you wouldn't like having sand thrown at you, would you?"

Donghyuck shakes his head sadly. 

"I know you're sad that Jeno was mean to you." Mark cups Donghyuck's chubby wet cheeks, gazing into his innocent little eyes. "Sometimes… sometimes people are just in our life for a little while. And we have to let them go so we can find someone even better." 

"But I don't wanna." Donghyuck's pout deepens. "I wanna play wif Jeno and Nana and Dad forever." 

Mark sighs. "Tell you what. Why don't you talk to Jeno tomorrow and tell him everything you like about him?"

"But he called me weird."

"But you still like him don't you? You still wanna play with him?" 

Donghyuck nods fervently. 

"Well even if he doesn't want to play with you you should still be nice to him. No one wants to play with someone who throws sand at them, right? But you'd wanna play with someone who says you look pretty wouldn't you?" 

"I guess." Donghyuck mumbles. "So if I be nice to Jeno he'll like me again?" 

"And if he doesn't then it wasn't meant to be." Mark nods. He hopes this makes sense to Donghyuck; he's trying to keep this as toddler-friendly as possible. 

"Okay…" Donghyuck agrees finally. Mark breaks into a relieved smile, planting a kiss on Donghyuck's forehead before standing to resume dinner. 

"Thanks buddy." 

Mark is glad to have avoided the elephant in the room for another day. He just hopes he can get over Jaemin quickly, for both of their sakes. 

In other words

Please be true

It's the first warm day of spring, the trees around the park only half as full as they'll be by the time summer rolls around. Donghyuck happily marches down the gravel path, babbling on about something Jeno told him about squirrels while Mark hums intermittently, the leash from Donghyuck's backpack wrapped loosely around his wrist. He's mentally going over a piece that he's stuck on for work, plotting out some ideas for later while he remembers, when Donghyuck starts tugging on his leash. 

"Dad!" He runs on the spot, excitement kicking his energy into overdrive, soft hair bouncing atop his head. He's pointing to the playground with the hand that's not tugging on the leash. "Jeno's here!" 

"Oh? Is he?" Mark follows Donghyuck's desperate pointing, dragging his feet a little as he looks around. "Where?" 

"On da monkey bars-" Donghyuck huffs impatiently, using both hands to pull on the leash now. "Daaaaad lets gooooooooo!" 

"Okay okay." Mark laughs, letting himself be dragged towards the playground, keeping a mindful eye that Donghyuck isn't hurting himself with his backpack. He finally spots Jeno as they reach a free bench and Donghyuck bounces on the spot as he's freed from his leash. "Be careful!" Mark calls as he bounds off in the direction of his friend, sighing as he drops their stuff on the bench beside him. 

"Mark!" A familiar voice calls and Mark turns to it, to find his boss Doyoung a few benches down. 

"Doyoung?" He calls back, letting himself be waved over. "Hey, I kinda forget you have a kid." He laughs. 

"Well, thankfully that only makes one of us." Doyoung laughs, his face a lot softer and open than it is when they’re discussing work. 

"So, uh, which one is yours?" He asks, hovering awkwardly by the bench as Doyoung watches the playground with hawk eyes.

"Monkey bars." He answers. 

"No way." Mark double checks and- yup that's still Jeno Lee on the monkey bars. "You’re Jeno's dad?" 

"Yep." Doyoung answers. "Jeno talks about Donghyuck about as much as you do." 

"I dunno man I doubt that." Mark laughs. "He's like, every second word out of my mouth.”

“True.” Doyoung grins. "How's he coping with the new schedule?" He finally gestures for Mark to take a seat by pulling a shark backpack off the bench beside him. 

"Oh, uh..." Mark shrugs, chest twinging like it does when he thinks about anything remotely Jaemin related. He relaxes against the back of the bench, looking back to find Donghyuck racing Jeno to the swings. "He's like, fine, I guess." 

Doyoung hums like he can see right through Mark. "And how about Jaemin?" 

"Jaemin?" Even saying his name has Mark's heart doing flips. "Uh, what about him?" 

"Well, for a while he was every third word out of your mouth." Doyoung explains, the subtle quirk to his lips giving away his hidden amusement. "Now you hardly talk about him. Did something happen?" 

Mark shakes his head, laughing uncomfortably. "No he's just- like, he's around." 

"Oh, he's around alright." Doyoung smirks. Mark doesn't understand, but Doyoung is smiling at someone across the playground and his stomach sinks before he's even turned to look. 

It's unfair. It's unfair that it's been almost 2 months and Mark still gets butterflies whenever he sees Jaemin. It's unfair how good Jaemin looks in jeans and a T-shirt, a baby bouncing in his lap as he grins, laughing at the happy gurgles the baby makes. It's unfair that Jaemin happens to look up, right at that moment, and make eye contact with Mark. It's unfair that Mark watches his smile dim just a fraction, even as he waves across the park, seemingly normal but the tension in Mark's shoulders acts as a painful reminder that things are different. 

"Don't be an idiot, Mark." Doyoung cuts into his wallowing. "Go talk to him." 

"I… I don't know man." Mark sighs, slumping further down the seat when Jaemin looks away. "It's, like, weird." 

"Then go make it unweird." 

Mark groans into his hands, sliding further down the seat.

"Daaaaad!" 

Saved by the bell — a bell that sounds suspiciously like Mark's son. Donghyuck suddenly rushes over with Jeno hot on his tails. 

"Hey baby." Mark greets when they're close enough, pulling himself back up the bench. "Having fun?" 

“Dad dad! Nana’s here!” Donghyuck announces, jumping up and down again and stomping his little sneakers on the ground. Jeno quietly nods behind him, a far cry from the hyperactive excitement of Donghyuck, though that’s hardly a challenge. 

“Is he?” Mark’s faux ignorance could only fool toddlers; Mark can feel Doyoung rolling his eyes beside him. 

Donghyuck nods, tugging on Mark’s arm. “Dad, can we play wif Nana?” 

“Sure baby.” Mark gently tugs his arm out of Donghyuck’s grip. “I’ll watch you from here.” 

Donghyuck frowns, grabbing Mark’s arm again, firmer. “Nooooo you come too! We can all play togever like before!” 

“I don’t know baby.” Mark answers, glancing nervously over at Jaemin, only to blush furiously when they accidentally make eye contact. “I don’t think Jaemin wants to play with me.” 

Donghyuck stops tugging, and Mark thinks that’ll be it and Donghyuck will run off with Jeno instead,

“So tell Nana you like him.” 

If Mark had been drinking water, he would have done a spit take. As it is, he chokes on his saliva instead, coughing violently into his sleeve as Doyoung helpfully thunks him on the back. 

“Wow, Donghyuck you’re so smart for such a young age!” Doyoung coos, giving Donghyuck a high five, then turning back to address Mark. “See, Mark, just tell Mr Jaemin how much you like him.”

Mark doesn’t flip Doyoung off. No matter how much he wants to. He does continue coughing though, eyes watering. God, he really really hopes Jaemin isn’t still looking at him, but he’s too much of a coward to check.

“What-” Cough. “What do you mean Hyuckie?”

Donghyuck huffs like Mark is dumb. Maybe he is. 

“Like you told me, dad.” He starts, patient and slow and unintentionally condescending. “No one wants to play wif someone who frows sand at them, but you wanna play with someone who calls you pretty. So go tell Nana he’s pretty and den he’ll like you again and we can all play togever.” 

Well. When you put it like that.

“Wow, you taught him that?” Doyoung comments after a moment of silence, wherein Mark’s emotions war between the overwhelming pride that his son actually listened to him and the anxiety consuming him as it becomes abundantly clear that there’s no longer a way out of this. Through the roaring in his ears, Doyoung almost sounds impressed. 

“Uh…” Mark can’t exactly tell Donghyuck that this is different, because deep down he knows it’s not. Sure, they’re not four year olds who communicate their emotions via sand. No, they’re worse. They’re adults who don’t communicate their emotions at all because they have commitment issues and trust issues and zero friends to show for it. 

Or at least Mark is. Jaemin might just be a victim caught in the crossfire. 

Before he knows it, Mark is being dragged across the playground, and he’s letting it happen. Jaemin looks stunning and Mark is having a meltdown; his four year old’s got one of his hands firmly grasped in both of his and Mark is barely putting up a fight. Jeno is skipping beside them both, humming happily to himself as Donghyuck babbles nonsense. 

Jaemin is watching them approach with a grin that Mark can’t place, the baby in his lap watching Mark and the kids silently as they reach the picnic blanket spread out beneath Jaemin. 

“Hi, Jaemin.” Mark greets, out of breath both from being rushed across the playground and from being in such close proximity to Jaemin. Get a grip. 

“Hello Mark.” Jaemin greets pleasantly, expression giving nothing away. “Hi Hyuck and Jeno.” 

“Hi Nana!” Donghyuck replies, finally letting Mark’s hand go to point at the baby. “Who’s dat?” 

“Hyuck, don’t point.” Mark scolds lightly, pushing his son’s hand down from where it was centimetres from the baby’s forehead. 

“This is my nephew Jisung. Say hello Jisung.” Jaemin has Jisung’s hands in his own and waves them around in greeting, his face lighting up when Jisung squeals in delight and starts bouncing again. Donghyuck and Jeno both say hi, and Mark holds Donghyuck against his legs when he starts getting too rowdy. 

“Dad, he’s so little.” Donghyuck breathes, eyes wide in awe as Jisung excitedly wiggles his feet in their booties. 

“You used to be that small.” Mark says, reminiscing a time not that long ago. It’s a little terrifying just how fast Donghyuck is growing up. 

“Not anymore. I’m really big now!” Donghyuck directs at Jaemin. “Dad can’t give me piggybacks any more cause he says I’m too heavy-”

“Hyuck no-” Mark blushes as Jaemin starts laughing, warming him from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. “I just have a bad back.” 

“But dad you said-”

“Okayyyy.” Mark hurries to stop him before he can keep digging Mark’s grave. “Hyuck, why don’t you and Jeno go ask Doyoung for some snacks?”

“Okay!” Donghyuck’s eyes light up at the mention of food. (Ha. Works every time.) Donghyuck grabs Jeno’s hand — he really is a grabby boy isn’t he? — and drags them both in the direction of Jeno’s dad, leaving Mark alone with a kindergarten teacher, a one year old, and a long overdue conversation. 

Jaemin pats the ground beside him, enough picnic blanket to cover most of Mark's legs if he presses right up next to him. It's tempting; he feels a tug against his chest when he walks closer, pulling taut as he just manages to resist throwing himself over Jaemin. Jisung gurgles as Mark tugs his legs under himself, hyper aware of every centimetre of respectable distance between his shoulder and Jaemin. 

Even with space between them Mark still feels like he's touching a livewire. 

"So…" Mark starts, clearing his throat just to fill the silence and the rest of his sentence. He feels like he's back in high school in the worst of ways. Awkward, emotionally stunted, confronted with his feelings, trapped with nowhere to hide by the kind brown eyes watching him with utter care. 

"How's Donghyuck?" 

"He's fine." Mark answers on autopilot. Then memories of Donghyuck's distraught face when he thought Jaemin hated him flash to the forefront of his mind, and he tries honesty. "No, actually...  he misses you. Like, a lot." 

Jaemin's eyes turn sad; Mark is swimming in them, drifting without an anchor, praying that wherever he ends up won't be any worse than where he set sail. 

"I miss him too." He says simply, truthfully. Mark waits for more; Jisung gurgles again and Jaemin looks away. 

"I…" Mark clears his throat again, finding bravery with Jaemin's gaze averted. "I also… missed you." 

Jaemin's lips tug up and he sighs wistfully. "I know." 

"I.. " Mark trails off, the words refusing to come out. I want you back in my life. I need you around because you make me feel like I'm doing something right. I can't spend another night wondering if you have a space carved out of your heart that matches the emptiness in mine. "I'm sorry that things are weird between us. I wish they weren't." 

"Me too." Jaemin's smile glows in the afternoon sunlight, spring softening the edges of it in a delicate haze. Mark can't help but notice how Jaemin is being vague and short on purpose; not unkind, not cold or harsh, but allowing Mark to lead the conversation wherever he needs it to go. It's something Mark has noticed a lot and appreciates; but Jaemin has feelings too. 

"Jaemin I… can I ask you something?" 

"Anything." 

Jisung starts babbling nonsense; Jaemin bounces him distractedly. Mark doesn’t even know what he wants to ask. 

“Did you… I mean, like, was-” Was I the only one infatuated? Do you miss it in the same way I miss the morning sunlight in your hair? Did you ever catch yourself holding back, afraid of what your heart wanted? 

“Mark.” Jaemin reaches for him, his hand soft and warm as it catches Mark’s, entwining their fingers slowly as Mark just watches dumbly. “You’re incredibly cute when you’re babbling like this but can you pretty please take a deep breath for me?” 

Mark does, gasping in fresh air and clearing his head. 

“There you go.” Jaemin praises. He rubs his thumb against the back of Mark’s hand and he focuses on that one point of contact as his vision blurs. “This doesn’t have to be complicated. I’d really like if things weren’t weird between us any more, do you feel the same?” 

Mark nods. 

“Great.” Jaemin nods back. “Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?” 

Mark nods again. 

“Alright.” Jaemin starts to pull his hand away and Mark feels like a door is shutting.

“I really like you.” He blurts, startling the both of them. Jisung screeches out a laugh and starts aggressively bouncing again. “I really…”

I really, really want to kiss you. I want to kiss you and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop thinking about it until you do.

“Oh, Mark.” Jaemin’s smile steals Mark’s breath away, and it’s a sudden yet slow realisation that for once Mark’s brain and mouth are connected, whatever filter he usually has gone, and he’s just said all of that out loud. “Why didn’t you just say so?” 

Jaemin pulls him in by the hand; Mark lets one of his legs drop and lets himself be tugged over. The rest of the world spins away until the only thing he knows is Jaemin’s breath hitting the hairs on his upper lip and the sparkle in his eyes before they slip shut. Then it’s lips on his own, careful and sweet; a hand on his waist, holding him steady; a soft cheek under his palm; hair tickling his fingertips and knuckles. Jaemin; all of him, pushing forward, chasing after Mark’s lips as he pulls away to get a better angle, blushing at the soft noises Jaemin makes when he delicately runs his tongue across the inside of his lower lip. Mark’s chest bursts open, his body alight with everything he’s held back since that first day, as he finally allows himself to feel.

It’s Jisung who plunges him back to reality. Jaemin breaks out into laughter against Mark’s lips as Jisung squeals, louder than ever, waving his baby arms around and gently thwacking Mark on the back. He pulls away with a laugh of his own, gently taking Jisung’s hand in his own and waving it softly as Jisung giggles at him, shrieking and kicking his legs. 

“Yes, okay sweetie you have my attention.” Jaemin coos, taking his other hand and waving it in the same manner. Mark can only imagine the picture they make; cuddled up on a picnic blanket, baby between them, glowing in the spring breeze. The only thing that’s missing is Donghyuck. 

In other words

I love you

“Donghyuck, sweetie, are you ready to go?”

“Wait! I need Papa!”

Mark sighs as Donghyuck rushes back down the hallway, the clock ticking ever closer to 8. They already should have left ten minutes ago; there’s no way they’ll make it in time to beat the traffic. 

Footsteps down the hallway; two sets of them, one the telltale pitter patter of Donghyuck and the other a lazy slipper-covered scuff, clearly being dragged behind. Sure enough, Donghyuck rounds the corner with a sleepy-eyed Jaemin at the end of his arm. 

“Hyuck.” Mark sighs again, unable to stop himself from smiling a little at how out of it Jaemin looks; hair scruffy and eyes droopy, pouting down at Donghyuck in offense. “I thought you meant the other Papa. Didn’t you already say goodbye?” 

“But dad you didn’t say bye.” Donghyuck argues, tugging Jaemin closer and meeting little resistance at all. Mark steadies him with a laugh as he stumbles over one of Donghyuck’s shoes and Jaemin makes a little unhappy noise that sets butterflies off in Mark’s chest. 

“He did, actually.” Jaemin’s voice is gruff, less of a noise and more of a feeling deep in Mark’s gut. Jaemin grins in satisfaction, remembering their rather heated goodbye kiss as Donghyuck was eating breakfast and Mark was ‘getting his bag’. Mark clears his throat.

“We’ll see you later.” He says, giving Jaemin nothing more than a small peck because their five year old is watching. Jaemin frowns.

“How am I supposed to last an entire day without seeing my two favourite boys in the entire world?” He laments, sighing dramatically and folding his arms like a stubborn toddler. “It’s soooo unfair.” 

“Don’t be sad Papa!” Donghyuck hurries, wrapping himself around Jaemin’s leg. “‘Member what you said? If you go to sleep then time will go by super duper fast and we’ll be home before you know it!” 

“Wow, I said that?” Jaemin murmurs, reaching down to ruffle Donghyuck’s hair. Mark huffs out a laugh; traffic be damned. “Ah, I’m so smart, aren’t I Hyuckie?” 

“Papa is the smartest.” 

“What about me?” Mark asks. 

Donghyuck hums for a bit, chewing on his lip. “Dad is the smartest too.” 

“Good thing he’s going to school.” Jaemin whispers, grin blinding as the morning sun when Mark lightly shoves him. He catches him again before he sways too far away, eyes catching the glint in his eye and mouth catching his lips in another kiss; this one deeper, this one full of everything Mark never quite manages to say out loud. It’s through Jaemin that Mark found his muse, and he could spend the rest of his life writing poems about every different way that Jaemin smiles; about how he tastes at 7:30 in the morning; about how his hands feel tucked behind Mark’s ears and cradling his head; about how the only thing Mark ever sees in the deep abyss of his pupils any more is a future. 

He could spend the rest of his life writing poems. Or, he could get Donghyuck to his first day of school and get through his shift at work just so he can come home to Jaemin asleep on the couch and do it all again tomorrow. 

That’s as good a place to start as any.