Archive of Our Own

"You shouldn't smoke," A soft, feminine voice reprimands, but I ignore her words. I figure she’s talking to someone else, so I don't look up from the ground. I go back to looking at a leaf. I've been out here for nearly fifteen minutes, and during that time my attention has been solely on this leaf that’s dancing gracefully in the wind. Its faded brown color is mixed with a dusty orange color; it is serenely beautiful. Although the delicate features of it captivate me it is still calmly fluttering in the breeze as if it were in its own tranquil reality. It's peaceful. I could use some peace.

My previous assumption is proven wrong when I hear light footsteps begin, then a presence beside me. My mouth corresponds to my brain's command with another inhale of smoke. I take my time as I feel the addicting tobacco settle in my lungs. The smoke burns its way down my throat like the poison it is, but yet is so stimulating.

"Yeah, I know." I let the words lazily leave my mouth while puffing out the smoke with each consonant. I watch as it lingers before evidently dissipating in front of me.

"Then why do you do it?"

I absentmindedly say "It's like love," my voice, a little husky from the smoke, breaks off with the last word.

"How so?" she questions taking a small step closer.

"It's addicting, ya know." A bitter taste left in my mouth that not even the cigarette could be blamed for, a sour smile forming on my tired face. "Even though I know it's terrible for me I just can't seem to let go. It may get me sick but I could never get sick of it," I utter as the thought of my recent ex invades my mind. Tears begin to well before gradually falling down my face, but I don't bother to wipe them away. I let them wet my face with their saltiness. They will eventually dry on their own.

"But they can kill you." The confusion in her voice is clear as the night's sky, genuine curiosity etching her words. "Aren't you the least bit worried about dying? Or getting sick?"

"Dying sounds like paradise," A whisper barely falls from my chapped lips, briefly allowing myself to dream of what warmth the dark void of the afterlife would bring me. I let out a small sigh of relief when she releases a distraught 'Hm?', thankful that she didn’t hear me. I take a final puff as the cigarette has reached its dying end.

I don't want it to die out, but I can't be the only one fighting when the other is slowly perishing.

I flick it to the ground and stomp it out with my shoe before I put my hand into my pocket in search of my box believed to be filled with more cancer sticks. I find it after a short while of exploring and a small sense of glee makes its way into my heart, the closest I’ve been to happiness in a while. A small almost invisible smile briskly crosses my face as I open the box and just as quickly falls as I look at the box's contents or the lack of; it was empty. I must've smoked them all. I guess I've been standing here longer than the fifteen minutes I presumed. "Damn I'm out of cigarettes!" I curse and kick a littered soda can that had blown in front of me. I feel myself getting teary-eyed again at the realization. I must look like an idiot to the people passing by and to the girl beside me but I can't help but let my feelings take over as I sink to the ground along with my spirits. With my knees tucked into my chest, I sit still.

"I'll be your cigarette," The silky voice of the woman is like a sirens call, nearly forcing me to succumb to all her desires. I look at her with nothing but uncertainty. My mouth drops open in awe, she's alluring and poise and something about her seems ethereal. What is she doing on this side of town? Her clothes are lavish, her bag is obviously a designer, and it would take a fool not to notice she's not from around here. I don't think I've ever seen someone so refined and beautiful in my life.

My jaw drops; for a moment it's just she and I. "W-what?" I stammer. I don't even know her name. What does she mean? Does she know what she said? Who is she? My thoughts continue to gyrate around in my mind but soon cease when her soft voice enters the still air.

"I'll be your cigarette...I could be there for you. I'll be your cigarette. I'll be your light. Just let me be you're last." I'm too tired and too confused to question this girl, my body becomes heavy as I fall back against the wall but before my body comes into contact with the red brick, I'm caught. "I want you addicted to me, my love will never burn out for you as long as you promise me you'll let me be your very last breath." I hear her sultry voice once more, it's even more addicting than the toxic smog the cigarettes introduced to me; that is dangerous.

"I promise," It's like a spark is lit after I say those two words. Everything is set ablaze. I can feel only heat between us. This moment burns; an eternal flame. She'll have me until my very last breath, but isn't that what I said the last time?

"You’re like a cigarette."

"Why is that?"

“You’re addicting, intoxicating, dangerous, and you drive me to do mad things.”