Work Text:
"Odasaku's so hot." Dazai sighs, long having melted into a puddle of thirst on a bar stool. Ango's right eye twitches uncontrollably. He's not getting paid, so he shouldn't have to put up with this torment, have to watch Dazai's shoulders rise and fall as he exhales. "Ango, I don't think you understand. Yesterday, he reached over my arm to pay my tab, and his hand brushed my knuckles." A pause. "I almost had an orga-"
Ango orders more whiskey. A hangover's worth not remembering a single word of this.
Ozaki leans back in her chair at her desk. She's sifting through papers, in the middle of discussing these reports with subordinates directly two levels down, subordinates she's long become familiar with, which means she usually only needs to use a quarter of her regular authority. The conversation is still heavily undermined by Dazai, lying, quite literally, at her feet, underneath her desk- bemoaning like a whale in heat.
Takeru and Hikari have perfectly expressionless faces, solemn and concentrated. She's not sure if they're focused on holding her gaze or just avoiding looking down, because anywhere within a five foot radius of Dazai and his all-consuming anguish is a hell she wouldn't even put Ace in.
"Boss," Takeru continues.
"Ane-san-"
"I know you mentioned you wanted division three-"
"Aneeeee-san-"
"-to run the south-border's patrol-"
"Aneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-"
She closes her eyes. "Takeru, Hikari, you're dismissed." They flee to safety so gracefully, she almost feels abandoned.
Dazai whines. "Ane-san, are you listening?"
"Something about how hard it is to make Oda-kun laugh, but the sound is indescribable, beyond beauty." She nudges him with a toe, which is how she rolled him under the desk in the first place, after she'd tipped him out of her chair and he'd spilled onto the floor. "Dazai, will you get a grip. And get to work, I know for a fact that you don't have today off."
"But this is too important." Dazai groans. "I can't stop thinking about Odasaku long enough to work at optimal efficiency." Of course, the Demon Prodigy means that that's the only efficiency he'll work at, or not at all.
"Sweetie, I really can't bear anymore of you- I'm going to get us sandwiches." She gets to a stand, pulling her chair back and giving Dazai enough space to get out. "Also. Stop storming in during my work hours? My subordinates keep rescheduling my meetings because they think you're serious about your emergencies."
"This is serious!" Dazai protests, even as she walks out the door. "Odasaku makes me so happy, I-"
"Stop telling me and go tell him yourself." She calls over her shoulder. "I'm having Hikari change my number so don't expect me to reply anytime soon, okay?"
"...I want Odasaku."
Chuuya's eyes blaze and his head snaps up as he snarls, "So you've said, for the fifth time." In the last two minutes alone. "Shut up, or so help me, I'll bury you alive." Would that be playing into Dazai's interests? Normally. But if it plays a part in obstructing Dazai from the guy he has a giant emotional boner for? Not so much.
Dazai sulks.
Chuuya actually thinks that's the end of it. He doesn't know why. It's not as if the threat worked the last few times.
Why the hell did Mori even assign them both in the first place??? The ability to control gravity means nothing when it's Dazai and his bullshit weighing you down.
He glances at his watch. They're almost behind time; the mercenary interception needs to happen in the next thirty seconds or-
"...I want Odasaku."
"ALRIGHT. THAT'S IT."
"This is a stealth mission, Chuuya." Dazai hops away, ducking under a kick that was aimed very very very carefully, so not to leave Dazai in a condition, other than comatose. Dazai huffs. "Damn, why did Mori stick you on me? I'm not asking for much...I just want to hold Odasaku's hand and cuddle with him and kiss him and-"
Chuuya explodes.
After the mission, Chuuya takes a week off work, simultaneously hiding and planning- for the good of humanity- so that no one else will ever have to suffer Dazai's sickening behavior (well except the Oda guy). And because his time off is quickly coming to an end, he hustles. Tonight, he locates the address, lifts himself into the air six floors up, kicks open the window of Dazai's huge crush, and freezes.
The plan was to confront the Oda dude and yell about just how badly Dazai's got it for him and hope that for whatever reason, (i.e. maybe Dazai's big fat paychecks), Oda would be interested. And if that didn't work, there was always threatening murder. Except Chuuya hadn't gotten the chance to suggest that one, because he'd been distracted by Dazai and Oda- who, as a side note, is surprisingly as good-looking as Dazai has made him out to be. Anyways. Chuuya had gotten distracted by Dazai and Oda. Dazai and Oda who were both staring rather hard at him. Dazai and Oda who were both rather shirtless. Dazai, who was sitting in Oda's lap rather obviously.
"Um," says Oda. "Good evening? Welcome to our apartment?"
"He's the opposite of welcome, and you don't need to be polite to Chuuya, Odasaku." Dazai says, pressing a finger to Oda's lips in an attempt to shush him.
Chuuya's still pretty sure there's a reasonable explanation for this. Up until Oda's gaze drops down, and Dazai leans in. Replacing his finger with his mouth.
Chuuya faints.
When he comes too, he's lying on the ground, staring at the ceiling face up. On the couch, a couple of meters away, Dazai and Oda are sitting and watching the television. They both have shirts on now. Chuuya still wants to puke. He doesn't, sits up slowly instead, "You're...you're dating."
Oda glances over. "Uh. Yeah."
"But Dazai's been terrible..." Chuuya's at such a loss, he doesn't even have the energy to scream. "You're telling me that he hasn't been pining? This is just him dating you?"
"Yeah, I mean, even I thought I'd get better after Odasaku finally kissed me." Dazai's yawn sounds exactly like what Chuuya imagines a Demon's laugh to be. "But it's been a month and it looks like I just keep getting worse. You don't need to worry, Chuuya! I have all my complaining about how much I miss Odasaku when he's not around planned out! I've scheduled it in proper rotations so I don't get boring, and-"
Chuuya gets up and walks, passing between the couch and the television, with Dazai and Oda watching him walk out to the balcony. Chuuya floats himself home. He's going to need an hour to write his resignation letter.