Work Text:
“And can I get one of those things, the chocolate pastry thing? Do you know what I’m talking about? Yes? Fantastic.”
New York City was both enormous and tiny. That’s how Shiv had managed to avoid running into Tom for months now, but why it couldn’t stay that way forever. Not while they still lived in the same space, still visited the same stores, the same venues. She’d been good, avoiding him, but the moment she stepped foot into the cafe, out of the snow, she realized her time had finally run out.
Actually, she could have ducked out. He wasn’t paying attention to her, but ordering at the counter. She’d thought it was his voice, when she stepped inside, but the moment he turned, to wait, she supposed, she was certain.
But she was not going to play the scared little ex wife. Not going to run away and hide just because he was here.
No. Fuck that. If anything, she wanted him to feel like he should be the one to elave.
She straightened her back, rolled her shoulders, and strode over. Tom was looking at something on his phone, frowning just slightly as he did.
“Tom?”
He looked up, and stared at her for a moment, like he couldn’t process what he was seeing.
“Shiv. Hey. What-uh, what are you doing here?”
“Getting a coffee,” she nodded toward the counter, “Isn’t that obvious?”
“Right,” he said tightly. There wasn’t much humor behind his tone, not much friendship either. Shiv didn’t know, exactly, what she’d hoped to achieve by coming over to talk to him. The divorce had been… well it had been something. Most had been easy, already spelled out in the pre nup, but Shiv wouldn’t have called it amicable or civil by any means. And after it had all been finalized, all the papers signed and sealed, they had made a silent agreement to drop it and pretend it never happened. Not to see each other, speak to each other. Anything. That was best.
“How are you?” she asked. She would be lying if she said she didn’t miss him, at least a little bit. It was strange, that he wasn’t somewhere in her orbit. That when things happened, or problems arose, she couldn’t talk them out with him.
“I’m fine,” he said, “How are you?”
But Goddamnit, if this wasn’t fucking awkward. It wasn’t like they’d dated a year in college and broken up. They’d been married. Had shared a life together, at least for a time.
And why should she be the awkward one after all? He was the one who had asked for the divorce, he was the one who’d been fucking her cousin on the side. Fuck that too, she wasn’t going to feel weird about this.
“I’m great,” she smiled.
He looked well, at least in her opinion. He had the same black winter coat he’d worn when they were together-- it was starting to fray at the hem, but it had been a gift from his mother years and years ago, and he refused to get rid of it, but the scarf looked new.
“Are you two still together?” she asked.
“Yep,” he said, and it was clear that Shiv was not going to get information without digging for it. Tom was keeping it locked up for some reason. Maybe one word answers would be the best she could get, “Are you seeing anybody?”
“Oh yeah,” she lied. It came out before she could stop it. But she didn’t like the idea of Tom settled down with someone while she flitted around, “Yeah.”
“That’s great,” he smiled, and she thought it looked almost weary. He wanted her to leave, so that he could go back to pretending that she was gone from his life. So he could keep playing house with Greg or whatever it was they were fucking doing.
“When did you stop loving me?” she asked. She felt warm in her own coat and gloves, and she could hear her pulse rushing in her ears. Maybe that was too much, but it had been dancing around her mind for months now, and this was the best time she would ever have to get an answer.
“I haven’t,” he said simply, “You were the first person I ever loved Shiv. I haven’t really stopped.”
“How’s he feel about that?”
“Greg knows all about that. It’s complicated Shiv. I didn’t just decide one day to flip a fucking lightswitch and stop loving you. It was a million things at once. I still love you Shiv, I do. Just not the way that you want. And not the way I want. He knows that maybe you don’t just stop loving somebody. I thought he’d hate me for it, but he doesn’t.”
“You didn’t say shit when we were drawing up the divorce. Why didn’t you stand up for yourself?”
Tom shrugged, “I was tired. I just wanted it to be over. My mom was pissed. She said I should have fought harder or whatever. But really I got what I wanted.”
“Mondale?”
“Yes.”
She couldn’t help but roll her eyes, “You just fucking gave up huh?”
“You don’t get it Shiv,” he said, leaning forward slightly to practically fucking hiss the words, “You’ve never gotten it. You think I can’t be happy without you or something. I meant what I fucking said. I thought that the sad I would be without you wouldn’t be as bad as the sad I was with you and I was fucking right. I’m a grown man, Shiv. I can make my own fucking way in the world.”
“Are you two gonna get married now? Fuck off to the suburbs and live out your little domestic fantasy?”
Tom shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“All the dramatics and you’re not even going to get married?”
“It doesn’t really concern you what we do, does it?”
“Suppose it never has. There were a thousand times you could have told me you two were fucking on the side Tom. You know that.”
“Oh like the thousand times you could have told me what you wanted before our wedding night?”
“You have got to get a new line.”
“I never- I didn’t actually do it to spite you. You know that right?”
She scoffed. That felt like a lie. It was true that if Tom had picked any other man to hook up with, she’d have been surprised, mostly because she’d had no idea that he was interested, but that would have been permissible, as he would have said, under the arrangement. He could do what he liked. The gender didn’t matter so much as the man himself.
Greg was her fucking cousin. It felt messed up somehow. Her father had let Greg into his home, and given him a fucking job and look what had come out of it.
“I’m serious,” he said, “I didn’t- I didn’t mean to. I was just so lonely Shiv. And it just kind of… happened.”
She hated the fondness in his voice, the way he spoke about Greg, even the adjacent way he was speaking now. She wanted to scream or explode or something. Fuck him for romanticizing it all or whatever in front of her.
“Lonely? You’re joking.”
“The way your family treated me? I was never good enough for Logan’s favorite. I’d never be good enough. How do you think it felt after a while? Not fucking great, Shiv.”
She shook her head, “Whatever. I thought you might have run home to mommy after all this anyway.”
“You mean like you run home to daddy?” he replied, without even a hint of hesitation, and she thought that she probably deserved that one. But fuck him for finally having a fucking spine, “We visit a few times a year. You know they liked you a lot. My parents. They thought you were smart and well spoken and my mom wanted to be a mother in law to you. If we ever went to see them.”
“You’re a mama’s boy Tom, you always have been.”
Tom shrugged, “Whatever Shiv. Greg and I do go home though. He likes getting out of New York, I think.”
“I see. And you couldn’t have done any of that fucking home for the holidays shit with me?”
“It’s like fucking Hotel California here. You can never leave,” he said, and even though it was a stupid reference, she understood what he meant.
“And they like Greg?”
“They do,” Tom said, “I thought maybe they wouldn’t. But they do.”
She sort of felt like she was trying to get him somehow. To find something in his life that was worse now, so she could chuckle and say I told you so but her options were growing slim.
“Right,” she crossed her arms, “I see.”
“Are you happy Shiv?” Tom asked, not unkindly. Not like he was hoping to somehow win at their divorce. The question seemed genuine. And she hated him a little bit for his tone, and herself a little bit for expecting the worst.
“Do you care?”
“Jesus Christ. I’m not a monster. Of course I care. I told you that I still love you. I still care about you.”
They stood there for a moment. She wasn’t angry, not exactly, but it wasn’t a great fucking feeling, whatever it was. He was trying to be the better person, she thought, and she wasn’t going to indulge him any longer.
“Your coffee’s done,” she said instead of commenting on that, and he turned to pick it up, and thank the woman behind the counter. She didn’t want to say anything.
“Merry Christmas Shiv,” he said and it felt like his goodbye, “I’m glad you’re well.”
“Yeah. Merry Christmas.”
She watched him set it all down at one of the tables, to rearrange his gloves and all before he went outside into the snow. It was something she’d seen him do a hundred times, but it felt strange and alien. Like it was the first time she’d ever seen him.
He picked up his phone, and as he was still in earshot, she didn’t stop herself from listening in.
“Hey honey,” he said, and her stomach twisted. Maybe he hadn’t hooked up with Greg out of spite, but that one phrase felt spiteful. Like he knew she was still there to hear. Maybe he wasn’t entirely the better person after all, “Yeah I just got it. I’ll be home in twenty minutes or so. I have one more place to pop into.”
She swallowed.
“Yeah I got the fucking pastry or whatever it is. They’re not even good Greg, I don’t know why you like them. Do you need anything else while I’m out? It’s supposed to snow pretty bad tonight.”
She thought she saw him smirk at whatever Greg said on the other end of the phone.
“You’re a dumbass. I’ll see you soon. Love you.”
And that was that. He buttoned up his coat, collected his things, and walked back out into the snow, and, for the second time, out of her life.
She wasn’t sure how it all made her feel, but she collected herself and ordered her coffee. She wasn’t going to be hurt by any of it. Absolutely no way was that going to happen.
By the time she was back outside herself, she had pushed it so far down, it was like it had never even happened. Just another blip on her radar, easily ignored if you didn’t want to see it.
And she didn’t want to see it.