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Sehun hates vacation days.
The company gave them some time off before they begin their concert preparations. Everyone was so excited about it, making calls and appointments to meet up with friends. Everyone except for Sehun.
“Sehun-ah, are you going anywhere for the break?” Baekhyun asks. Sehun slumps down onto the couch, looking at Junmyeon who’s texting someone on his phone with a wide smile. Sehun’s heart aches. “No, hyung, I think I’ll just go home and play with Vivi.”
Junmyeon’s phone buzzes in his hand, and he grins happily before exiting the room. Sehun can hear him excitedly saying hello to the person on the other end of the call, before he goes into his room and closes the door.
His room.
Saying that word still leaves a bitter taste in Sehun’s mouth.
True, he was the one who asked for a bedroom on his own, but he had no choice. Sleeping next to Junmyeon, waking up to his face first thing in the morning, seeing his face right before he closes his eyes to sleep, and knowing that Junmyeon is not his— will never be his—had hurt too much.
☽
“Alright, I’ll call you tomorrow, bye.”
Sehun shyly peeks into the room. “Hyung, can I sleep here tonight?”
Junmyeon looks up from his phone, his grin slowly fading into a small smile. “You’ve never asked my permission before.”
Sehun waits until Junmyeon sighs and pats the spot to his right. Sehun’s side of the bed. “Come on, it’s late.”
Sehun beams at him and jumps into the bed, effectively jostling Junmyeon and making the older one laugh. “Yah, Oh Sehun, you’re going to break my bed.”
“We’ve broken beds before, hyung,” Sehun retorts. He can see the blush spreading prettily on Junmyeon’s face. “Shut up.”
They look at each other for a moment, the air turns so tense that Sehun can barely breathe. He broke their unspoken rule: No talking about their previous ‘relationship’.
Calling it a ‘relationship’ is probably a stretch. It was just sex. With lots of cuddling. And kissing. Platonically, on Junmyeon’s part. Sehun, though, Sehun always regarded it as something more.
“So,” Junmyeon says, breaking the silence. “Do you have any plans for the break?”
“Probably not. My parents wanted me to go home, so I’ll probably do that,” Sehun replies. Then, “They asked about you, wondering why you haven’t visited in a while.”
Sehun sees a crack in Junmyeon’s expression. A tinge of sadness and regret, but Sehun doesn’t want to think too much about it, couldn’t afford to bring himself to think about it.
“I’m sorry about that,” Junmyeon says softly. “Tell them that I’ll visit soon.”
Sehun nods, pulling the covers up to his chin. “And you? Do you have plans?”
Another crack. “Yeah, I’m going to New York with a friend.”
Friend. Singular.
“Oh, that’s nice,” Sehun says, plastering a smile and trying his best to keep his voice level.
“Yeah.” Junmyeon clears his throat. “Do you want me to bring you anything?”
Sehun wants to plead, to beg him to stay, but he knows better than to ask something he couldn’t have. Shouldn’t have.
“Anything you think is cool, hyung,” Sehun says instead, grinning.
☽
Junmyeon has been seeing someone. Sehun doesn’t know if it’s serious or not. He does know that they’ve known each other for a while now, and that Junmyeon would sometimes wear something that’s definitely not his, or one of his scarves or jackets would suddenly go missing from his closet.
Sehun watches from the bed as Junmyeon packs up his things into his suitcase. Sehun tries not to think about the last time he sees that suitcase. Fails.
He brought that suitcase to Paris when they went together. He remembers it particularly well because they had argued over its size when they were packing their souvenirs the night before they went home.
Paris.
Sehun shakes his head, focusing on something else instead. And something piques his interest. “Hyung, is that a new jacket?”
It’s a yellow and navy puff jacket. He smiles at the color, thinking that it would suit Junmyeon very well. He doesn’t miss the blush that colors Junmyeon’s face though. He wishes he had.
“Yeah, a friend gave it to me,” Junmyeon says, his tone soft.
A friend.
Junmyeon never says his name, it’s always only ‘a friend’. Sehun knows him, though. Or at least knows of him. Junmyeon never introduced them.
“Oh.” Sehun silently takes a deep breath. One, two, three. He smiles. “I think it suits you very well. Your friend has a good eye.”
Junmyeon looks down at the jacket, his lips forming a fond smile. Sehun takes a deep breath, willing himself to keep it together. One. Two—
“Yeah, I think so, too.”
Sehun looks at him, thinks, as long as his hyung is happy, Sehun would learn to let go.
☽
Sehun read somewhere that you don’t have to own someone to love them.
He thinks that maybe it works the other way around, too. That maybe someone doesn’t have to love him to own him, owns his heart.
He’s on his bed, staring at the Christmas tree that he had bought himself, and decorated by himself. The tree is tiny, but he thinks he decorated it nicely. He twirls the mistletoe in his hand, scrolling his phone in another, waiting for Junmyeon’s reply to the selfie that he sent of himself with the tree.
I want to see the finished product , he had said. You’ve worked really hard on it, Sehunnie.
Junmyeon still treats him like the child that he met more than a decade ago. Sehun doesn’t mind that much, though. It shows that they have history, that Sehun has known him longer.
That Sehun knows him better than Junmyeon knows himself.
The reply didn’t come.
He’s scrolling down his Instagram feed, creeping on Twitter, when he sees it.
Junmyeon had left a comment on that person’s account.
Sehun grits his teeth, and searches the man’s profile. He sees the picture, and his heart beats painfully when he taps at the post. They’re wearing matching jackets. Of course.
Sehun checks out the rest of his feed. The pictures are pretty and carefully curated. He recognizes some of Junmyeon’s photography, his aesthetics. The man’s profile is unlike Sehun’s messy feed.
The comparison he builds in his head makes his heart aches even more. He checks out his own profile and scrolls down, looking at the compilation of the things that he likes. Loves.
Vivi. The members. Himself. Fashion. Spoilers. Junmyeon. Paris.
Paris.
Sehun looks at the picture Junmyeon took of him on that night they went on a date. Or whatever it was. Sehun still thinks that it’s a date, whether Junmyeon thought that it was or not. It’s a beautiful photograph—his mouth is covered by his turtleneck, but it’s obvious that he was smiling.
Sehun remembers that night. Remembers how Junmyeon had called him beautiful, making him smile bashfully underneath his turtleneck. He was looking away when he heard the camera’s click. He had raised his eyebrows at Junmyeon, but the latter was staring at his camera, seemingly awestruck.
“Am I that beautiful, Hyung?” Sehun had joked. Junmyeon’s head had snapped up then, surprised, before his expression melted into something fond, into something that Sehun did not dare name. And then Junmyeon had smiled at him. “Yeah, you are, Sehunnie.”
That was almost two years ago, now.
Now, Junmyeon is off in another city. Free to do anything he wants, with another man that he cares about.
Sehun wishes, wishes with everything he has, as he tears the mistletoe apart in his hands, that he was the one who was there with him instead.
☽
Sehun is messing around with a composition on the living room of their dorm when he hears the front door open. He puts his laptop aside and gets up eagerly, knowing that it’s Junmyeon.
That is, until he hears another man’s voice talking to him in a hushed manner.
Sehun immediately plops back down onto the couch and puts the laptop back on his lap. The voices keep getting louder until they stop, right on the edge of the living room.
He looks up at them, feigning surprise. “You’re back!”
Sehun sees the way Junmyeon’s eyes widen like he has been caught doing something that he shouldn’t. It makes Sehun feels glad in a twisted way.
He sees how his expression changes, knowing that Junmyeon is starting to panic, so he smiles to reassure him. That seems to do the trick.
“Hey, Sehunnie.”
His ‘friend’ is standing awkwardly next to him, and they’re both wearing their dumb matching jackets.
Breathe. This person is important to Junmyeon. Breathe. One, two, three.
Sehun smiles at him. “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met yet. I’m Oh Sehun.”
He bows his head slightly and the other man nods and introduces himself. Junghoon, he says his name was. Sehun keeps that smile until the man finishes talking, unfaltering.
“Well, I, uh, I better go then,” he says. That seems to snap Junmyeon out of whatever trance he was in during that whole exchange. “Are you sure? If you’re tired you could stay the night.”
In Sehun’s ears, Junmyeon sounds hopeful. He carefully sets his gaze back to his screen.
“No, it’s okay,” the man—Junghoon—says. “I better go.”
“Alright, then,” Junmyeon replies, and Sehun doesn’t have to see Junmyeon to know that he’s pouting. Sehun hears Junghoon’s small laugh, too. He steals a glance to look at the two, reflected on the dark surface of the TV screen. He’s still looking as the two hug, sees how Junghoon sneaks a kiss on Junmyeon’s cheek.
“I’ll walk you out,” Junmyeon murmurs softly. Junghoon seems to agree nonverbally as he bids goodbye to Sehun. “Nice to meet you, Oh Sehun!”
Sehun looks at him and nods with a smile. “It’s nice to meet you too.”
Junmyeon glances at him and Sehun cannot decipher what the look in the older man’s eyes means.
“Come on,” Junmyeon murmurs and they both disappear into the hallway.
Sehun turns off his laptop and goes to his room as quietly and quickly as he can. He puts away his laptop and heads under the covers curling into himself. He hears Junmyeon’s footsteps not long after.
A knock on his door.
“Hunnie?”
Sehun wants to go to him. Wants to kiss him. Wants to pull Junmyeon under the covers. Wants to love him. Wants Junmyeon to love him back. Wants his heart to just let go and stop hurting.
He stays silent instead.
He waits until he can hear Junmyeon sigh and leave.
And after that, if Sehun’s tears started flowing, then no one has to know.
☽
It’s April, and it’s nearing his birthday. Their tour had started, and Sehun had lost track of the foreign cities and languages. Sehun loves it, though.
Sehun has always loves the stage. Loves the way people cheers his name. Loves to dance, to sing, to rap. Loves the way the spotlight founds him. Most of all, he loves the freedom that the stage provides. Sehun is free, for a couple of hours every other day, he is free to express his love to Junmyeon. Sehun is free to hug, to touch, to linger. And Junmyeon would oblige.
And for those brief moments, Sehun could pretend that Junmyeon loves him back.
☽
Sehun wakes up in a vaguely familiar hotel room in a foreign city of a foreign country, thirsty. He goes to fetch a drink. The room feels stuffy, so he carefully opens the door to the balcony.
“—It wasn’t real.”
Sehun stops in his tracks. He forgets that Junmyeon is in the room right next to him.
“It’s just fan service—there’s nothing going on between Sehun and I,” Junmyeon says. “Because I don’t feel the same way about him as I do about you.”
He hears Junmyeon inhales.
“I—“
Sehun closes the door. He grabs a hoodie, a mask, and a hat. He grabs his running shoes from his suitcase and wears them.
He grabs his hotel room keys and exits the room in a haste, walking as fast as he could towards the elevator.
He sneaks into the back exit, nodding to the security guard before he starts running.
Running as fast as his body lets him. Running until his thighs burn and his lungs are on fire. Running until Junmyeon’s words stop ringing in his ears. Running until Junmyeon’s words stop tearing him apart.
Sehun runs.
☽
Kyungsoo barges into his room when the tour had wrapped with a couple bottles of beer and a box of fried chicken.
“Something’s bothering you,” he says bluntly. “We’re all worried about you, Sehun-ah.”
Sehun frowns. “All?”
“Yeah.” Kyungsoo carefully sits down on the left side of the bed. “All of us, excluding manager hyung. It’ll be easier if it doesn’t involve them, don’t you think?”
Sehun leans on the headboard and pulls himself up from where he had been lying down earlier. He folds his legs into his chest, resting his chin on his knees. “And if I say that it’s none of your business?”
Kyungsoo raises his eyebrows at him. He’s wearing his glasses and Sehun feels like he’s about to be scolded by a parent. But then Kyungsoo’s face softens. “Then we won’t force you to talk, Sehunnie. At least I won’t. Not until you’re ready.”
“I know that something’s off, though,” Kyungsoo continues softly. “You’ve been quiet, spaced out. You go to your parents’ house whenever you can, like you’re avoiding us.”
Sehun closes his eyes. “I’m not avoiding you.”
“No,” Kyungsoo agrees. “It’s Junmyeon hyung that you’re avoiding isn’t it?”
Sehun doesn’t say a word—which is as loud as a yes as far as Kyungsoo’s concern.
“Look, I know that it’s none of my business, if something happened between you guys,” Kyungsoo starts. “But I know that you’ve been hurting, Sehunnie.”
“We’ve known each other for a long time, you know,” Kyungsoo continues. Sehun hears him putting the food and beer on the nightstand. “I’ve seen the way you look at him.”
Sehun buries his face in his arms.
“You love—“
“Don’t ,” Sehun says sharply. “Please, just don’t.”
Kyungsoo stays quiet for a while, before he scoots closer and puts his arms around Sehun. He’s warm.
“Sehunnie, please don’t feel hurt all by yourself,” Kyungsoo says softly. “We’re your hyungs, aren’t we? We’re here for you, always.”
Sehun didn’t realize he was crying until Kyungsoo’s hold on him tightens.
Sehun breaks.
Sehun tells him everything.
☽
“Sehun-ssi, please eat well.”
Sehun looks up from his phone, confused. “I am, though?”
The coordi noona shakes her head. “You’ve lost weight, see? Your pants are getting loose.”
Sehun supposes she’s right, but he wishes that she had said that a little more quietly, because all of his hyungs suddenly flock him, handing parts of their lunch.
“I’m fine,” Sehun insists. “I’m just tired, is all. I haven’t got much of an appetite lately.”
“Let’s eat out together tonight, then!” Chanyeol suggests. “It’d be more fun if we’re all together, right? Come on, samgyeopsal, my treat!”
Sehun smiles sweetly at him. “Oh? Are you sure you can afford that?”
It’s easy to fall into banter, to joke and laugh with everyone, to forget everything for a moment or two and let go. That is, until—
“Junmyeon hyung, you’re coming too, right?” Jongdae asks. Junmyeon has been eerily quiet through their conversation. He looks up from his phone, glancing at Sehun (guiltily, Sehun observes) before he shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I can make it tonight.”
Sehun can feel his hyung’s eyes on him and it makes him squirms in his seat. “That’s okay, Hyung,” he finds himself saying with a smile.
Junmyeon has been going out a lot recently. At first the members kept teasing him, because he would obviously dress up for a date. But then after Sehun’s conversation with Kyungsoo, everyone becomes hyper-aware of the interactions between the two of them.
Sehun knows they mean well, but he hates that he’s being pitied by his hyungs. So he does what he does best: putting on a smile and pretend that everything is okay.
“We’ll all go out together next time, hyung. It's okay.”
☽
There’s a knock on his door.
“Come in,” Sehun says, not taking his eyes off his laptop screen. He’s polishing a demo he’s been working on. He has written a lot of songs recently. Well, parts of a song.
He finally looks up when he feels someone is hovering on his doorway.
“Hyung,” Sehun says, breathless. “You’re back.”
Junmyeon smiles at him, and Sehun knows that he’s utterly fucked.
He had an event that day, an award show of some kind, and he’s wearing a fitted black suit, with his hair styled neatly. Sehun smiles when he sees the tie. He’s wearing the tie that Sehun had given him for Valentine’s Day a couple of years ago. He had joked back then that it was a gag gift, but they both had known that it was bullshit, solely from the fact that the tie was Louis Vuitton and it had been embroidered with Junmyeon's initials.
“Can I come in?” Junmyeon asks.
Sehun smiles at him. “You’ve never asked for permission before.”
It feels like deja vu, and Junmyeon laughs quietly before he approaches the bed, sitting on the left side of it. The sight used to be so familiar that his heart aches a bit. Sehun's heart has been doing that a lot recently. Especially when it comes to Junmyeon.
They both stay quiet for a while, Sehun fiddling with the configurations of the program.
“Hunnie?” Junmyeon’s voice is so small and timid, and when Sehun meets his gaze he notices how tired Junmyeon looks. “Yeah?”
“Are we...okay?”
Sehun’s heart squeezes painfully. Junmyeon sounds so insecure and Sehun can hear the hurt on it. “Of course, hyung, why wouldn’t we be?”
“We haven’t really talked in a while,” Junmyeon continues. “I miss our late-night conversations.”
Sehun still stays up for him, making sure that Junmyeon comes home, if he does. The only difference is that he pretends to be asleep the second Junmyeon opens the door.
“I miss it, too, hyung,” Sehun replies truthfully. He’s always missing Junmyeon. Even now, especially now, when he’s right there next to him.
“Why are you avoiding me?”
Sehun doesn’t respond at first, mentally steeling himself while shuts his laptop and places it on the nightstand, before facing Junmyeon.
Junmyeon’s eyes are on him, and Sehun, Sehun could never lie to him. “I had to figure things out, hyung. By myself.”
“Did you?”
Sehun shrugs. “Honestly? I don’t really know yet.”
“You do know that I care about you, right?” Junmyeon says, his tone gentle. “We’ve known each other the longest, Sehunnie. You’re important to me.”
“Your important person,” Sehun repeats with a smile. “I remember.”
“Is this...” Junmyeon trails off, hesitating. Sehun sighs, reaching for Junmyeon’s hand. He keeps his eyes on their joint hands as he intertwines their fingers together. Junmyeon’s hand still fits his own like a glove, like they belong. Sehun is glad that some things will never change.
“It’s not about your boyfriend,” Sehun says. “It’s about me.”
Sehun leans against the headboard, recalling his conversation with Kyungsoo weeks ago.
“I know that what we agreed to back then was casual,” Sehun starts. “You’ve made it clear from the start that your feelings towards me are strictly platonic.”
“Sehunnie—“
“No, hyung, please just listen to me?” Sehun pleads. He knows that his resolve would break if Junmyeon pushes any further. The latter mumbles an okay , and Sehun takes a deep breath before he continues.
“I know that your feelings towards me were platonic, hyung, and that’s okay,” he says. “I know that you care about me a lot.
“But I—I always feel like it was something more. Like it meant something more, whenever you touched me, whenever you talked to me. You made me feel special. You made me feel loved. And I think that somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you. Or maybe I’ve been in love with you since I was fourteen, and I just started to realized it then.”
Sehun thought that after all this time, his confession would feel much more monumental—instead all he feels is relief.
“And I know that you don’t feel the same way, hyung, and that’s okay. I’m content in loving you by myself. Just being by your side, whichever way you want me, is enough.”
“Why?” Junmyeon finally speaks, his voice raw with emotion. “Why would you settle for that? You deserve so much better, Sehun, I—“
“Maybe I do,” Sehun cuts him off gently. “And I’ve tried, hyung. I’ve tried to run away from my feelings, from you, and I can’t do it. I tried to see other people and all I could think about is you. And I’m tired, hyung, I don’t want to do it anymore.”
“What do you want me to do?” Junmyeon asks, pleads. “What can I do?”
“I just want you to be happy, hyung.”
☽
Sehun sits on the bench overlooking the Han river, Vivi on his lap. His dog has become more obedient lately, as if he senses how sad Sehun had been. And he appreciates that.
He strokes Vivi’s back gently, as he looks at the calm surface of the river.
His song is almost finished. He had only shown it to Chanyeol, and he doubted he would let anyone else hear it. It was just something that he had to get out.
His song is about unrequited love. It’s about loving someone, purely loving someone without expecting something in return. It’s about wishing the best for that person, wishing that they find happiness, whether they end up together or not.
The song is about Junmyeon.
☽
He booked a ticket to Paris when they had another week off. He didn’t tell anyone about it, except for his manager, and he sneaks off in the middle of the night to go to the airport.
He’s glad that he’s able to board the plane without any incidents, and the airline staff are kind enough to leave him alone.
Sehun had been feeling lost all year. His world had revolved around Junmyeon for so long that when he started seeing someone else it felt like it had been thrown off its axis. But somehow his thoughts always come back to Paris.
He booked the same hotel, and was lucky enough to have been able to request the same room. It had put a sizable dent on his bank account, but Sehun didn’t mind that much. He needs this.
Closure.
Paris was where it all began, where Sehun realized that his feelings for Junmyeon were real.
He walks along the Seine, recalling the late night conversations they had when they took a stroll here. Sehun remembers how Junmyeon’s hands fit his perfectly, how at the time everything seemed to fall into place. Sehun remembers how Junmyeon had gotten onto his tiptoes to kiss him underneath a lamp post, how he had hung around the set of Sehun’s photoshoot because he wanted them to go to the Eiffel Tower together. How beautiful he had looked under the soft light of the sunrise on their hotel room bed, sleeping peacefully, colorful hickies scattered along the line of his body.
The memories are painful, but they reminded him of the time he was truly happy.
Sehun wants that again.
He goes back into his room that night, and he watches the Eiffel Tower sparkle while he sits on the floor, sipping on red wine, Junmyeon’s angelic voice filling the room from his phone speaker.
Sehun closes his eyes.
✧