Chapter Text
"You should let me make love to you."
I nearly choked on my drink as I heard those words coming out of her mouth so easily, as if she was suggesting I tried some of the chips the waiter had just placed in front of us.
"EXCUSE ME?!"
My voice sounded way louder than I had intended, so much so everyone around us stopped what they were doing and looked directly at me. The chatter in the background ceased abruptly and some people's hands stopped in the air, leaving their food and beer midway to their mouths. It would be comical, like one of those lame comedy movies scenes, hadn't I been the center of attention. Now I was embarrassed for multiplus reasons, Catra being the main one.
That awkward silence even made me think that if I dropped a toothpick, I would be able to actually hear when it hit the ground. Suddenly I wondered if the expression “to die out of embarrassment” had come up from a situation like this, because my cheeks were burning so much there was a chance my head would spontaneously combust.
I sank deep into my seat, trying to make myself disappear under the table. I heard rather than saw Catra chuckling at my expense, the sound of her laughter the only noise filling the place. After what honestly felt like an eternity, everyone resumed what they were doing and finally forgot about me. Everyone but Catra, who kept staring at me with an amused expression.
I finally straightened myself, cleared my throat and tried to reboot my brain.
"That wasn't funny, Catra." I couldn't think of anything else to say, so clearly my brain hadn't properly restarted yet. "I could have died if I had choked."
"No, you couldn’t. I know how to do CPR, remember?" She shrugged and then gave me a fake sweet smile. “So if you had choked, I would have probably saved your life.”
Probably?
I decided to ignore the last sentence so I could focus on the real matter.
"What were you thinking?! How could you say something like that, completely out of the blue?!" It was a normal conversation until that point, I'm pretty sure of it.
"Actually, it fit the context."
"In what context could a sentence like that fit?!" I swear I was trying to keep my voice low, but Catra’s smirk told me I was failing.
Ugh, that annoying little smirk…
Wait. Suddenly something crossed my mind and I snorted indignantly. "Wow. This certainly goes straight to the top of your ridiculous Best Times I’ve Messed with Adora list, uh?”
That list really existed and unfortunately she made sure to update it regularly. This time, though, she had really outdone herself.
As she heard my comment, her smirk began to fade and her expression turned strangely serious. After a moment of apparent contemplation, she spoke in a voice I could barely recognize.
"This time I wasn't messing with you, Adora."
She stated, staring directly into my eyes. Catra never lied while staring into my eyes. My lips got instantly dry and my jaw dropped so heavily the joint could have even been displaced.
"You... weren’t...?" I didn't know if it had sounded like a question, as it was meant to be.
"No... I meant what I said."
Her eyes were still on mine, analyzing my every reaction and they were so distracting…
I shook my head and tried to pull myself together.
"Catra... You can't possibly be serious."
“Well, but I am.”
I tried to remember what we were talking about so I could understand how the hell we had gotten into this conversation. Whatever it may have been, I could have just laughed and then changed the subject to something else. Anything else. So why didn’t I do that? Catra had been touring with her band and we hadn't seen each other in months. She would leave tomorrow for another round of shows and we had barely started catching up when she dropped that bomb on me.
"Adora..." She stretched her arm and touched my hand over the table, squeezing it lightly. My eyes followed her hand all the way and remained on it until she spoke again. "Just forget what I said, okay? You don't need to freak out about this."
"Who’s freaking out?! I’m not freaking out!" She raised an eyebrow at me, maybe because I had answered too fast and my voice had come out an octave higher.
Her hand was still caressing mine and suddenly I became acutely aware of how soft and delicate her touch was.
"I just… I don't… I mean, why would you say such a thing? I can't even imagine what made you consider this… this..."
Madness? Insanity? I seriously had no word for that.
"Why not?" She snorted and let go of my hand, leaning back on the booth. "You are beautiful, Adora. Why is it so hard for you to believe someone could actually be attracted to you?"
Um.
I was trying to come up with an answer, but my mind was too focused on the words beautiful and attracted to you. Did she really think I was beautiful?! She had told me that before, sure, but in a whole different context. And then… did she really say she was attracted to me? Me?!
I’m not used to being praised in such a direct way, so honestly it was hard to believe she wasn’t just messing with my head.
My bottom lip felt too heavy to remain connected to the upper one, so I just stayed there, ridiculously gawking at her.
"Look..." Catra broke the silence and that was a good thing, because my brain had short-circuited and my ability to speak had clearly been compromised. On the other hand, I had no idea of what she would say next and how it would affect me.
So maybe she was right. Maybe I was really freaking out.
She waited until I gathered enough courage to stare at her face and so she went on.
"It’s just that you were talking about your previous relationships and you looked so... upset. I hate seeing you like this because those assholes you dated couldn’t appreciate how amazing you are.”
My previous relationships… So that’s what we were talking about before this started? I lowered my head, surprised that she had misinterpreted my self-frustration as sadness, since Catra could read me like no one else.
I guess I couldn't blame her, though. I've never been good at expressing my feelings, especially when they concerned my practically nonexistent, though extremely pitiful, love life. I hated to talk about this with anyone, even with Catra, because I always felt something was wrong with me. At the same time, I didn’t know how to explain what exactly was wrong. It was only natural she couldn't get me when I myself couldn’t.
But coming to think of it, my relationships always followed this pattern: I would start dating a guy, things would work for a little while, but eventually they would realize they needed more than I could give. Or wanted to give. I heard from them, more than once, that I was cold, disinterested, aloof, distant… the list goes on and on. And the worst part is that they were right. I wasn’t enough. But then… how could I be enough if I was never completely into it?
I tried to remember the last time I initiated a conversation because I found a guy interesting or the last time a kiss pulled any emotion out of me. Nothing came to mind, simply because it never happened.
It was strange being 19 and having never fallen in love, when most of my friends had already gone through this experience more than once. That made me think I was… broken, perhaps? And for someone as perfectionist as me, failing miserably at something so ordinary was just too hard to handle. Then, so that I wouldn’t be reminded of my personal failure, I always avoided conversations about relationships, especially when they revolved around sex. I didn’t even like to think of it, let alone talk about it even with my closest friends. They probably assume I’ve slept with most the guys I dated, but the truth is that it only happened once, and not because I was in love or sexually attracted to him; I let it happen in hopes that this would make me feel like a normal person, with feelings and needs. And though he was a nice guy who did try his best to please me, being intimate with someone felt extremely uncomfortable, more than I thought it would. I was hating every second of it and at some point I asked him to stop, which he did immediately but not without feeling turned down. In the end, after disappointing him, and mostly myself, I broke up with him so he wouldn’t be with someone as cold as me. Also, I promised myself I would only have sex again if I ever felt truly into it, something I considered very unlikely due to my inability to connect to other people.
Catra, on the other hand, was my opposite. Even though she was more of an introvert like me, she has always been naturally captivating and never minded being the center of attention. Bold, self-confident and quick-witted were the adjectives most used to describe Catra, and that combination made her the funniest and most interesting person I've ever met. And luckily for Catra, her family was also the opposite of mine. She had two mothers who always supported her in everything she wanted to do, such as coming out of the closet at age 12, learning guitar during high school, and also getting a part-time job at a cheap cafe even though they had a lot of money.
Obviously, my stepmother hated Catra and her “snide remarks,” considering her a bad influence, someone who would only distract me from my goals — which were, in fact, her goals, not mine. After all, I was the nerd who only got A+ and was showered with compliments from all our teachers while Catra usually didn’t get anything above a B+; instead, she got a girlfriend at 15, a car at 16 and a spot on the coolest band of our town while she was still in high school. Even though she hated the fact she had become one of the popular kids she so much despised, she always failed to suppress a grin whenever I called her the punk-rock queen of the school. Despite the teasing, I did consider her the queen of the school and many people seemed to agree with me. Girls flocked to her, like starving ants around a sugar cube. Boys would too, I suppose, but Catra never really paid attention to them. I was so proud to be her best friend, though I always wondered how someone so appealing like her could be friends with someone so uninteresting like... me.
I was a mess, the typical girl raised by adults who had unrealistic expectations for her and ended up messing with her head real bad. I wonder if it would have been different, hadn't my real parents died when I was still very young. My uncle ended up raising me and he was a nice guy, but it all changed after he got married to that manipulative bit-, I mean, that woman… It all happened so long ago, but those memories still hurt deeply.
I definitely should start therapy, like Catra suggested years ago.
“Adora?” Catra’s concerned voice broke the mental retrospective of my life — and most of her life too. “I’m sorry. I guess I kinda ruined the mood...”
As if she could.
“You never ruin the mood. You know you’ve always been the only person who could really cheer me up, especially when we were younger and I still lived with my step parents.”
I tried to smile at her, but for the small frown that suddenly appeared on her face, I guess my smile wasn’t convincing enough. Probably those old times had flashed in her mind too, because the crease between her brows deepened. But Catra knew if we got into that subject I would probably start crying a little. Or a lot. So, after a moment, she just smiled back and then started talking about some silly thing she knew it would make me laugh.
This was probably what I loved the most about her. She never pushed me into talking when she knew I wasn’t ready and she always listened to me, all ears, when I was. She could also feel when I just needed her quiet presence by my side, instead of someone asking what was wrong every five minutes, like Bow and Glimmer. I loved those two, but they just didn’t get me like Catra did. Besides, Catra had witnessed most of my outbursts — including the worst ones — and she always knew how to handle me.
I even lost count of how many times she picked me up in the middle of the night, after my step parents went to bed, just to take me for a ride because I felt too suffocated to breathe in my own house. At those times, we usually would go to the highest spot here in Brightmoon and just lie side to side on the hood of her car, talking about whatever, while counting the stars. That was our secret place… and it’s still my favorite place in the whole world.
But at some point I started feeling bad, thinking I was holding her back, since my mere existence ended up ruining most of her relationships. Her girlfriends were jealous of me and, looking back, I think it was mutual. When she told me about her first girlfriend, I remember feeling like she had punched me in the stomach instead of just sharing some good news. I tried to smile and be happy for her, because that’s what friends do… yet, the fact Catra could be more interested in hanging out with someone else upset me terribly. I never told her, but after I left her house on that day, I cried all my way home and most of the night, until I fell asleep.
Catra didn’t stop hanging out with me, though. In fact, we seemed to become closer with each passing day. Her girlfriends would always complain she spent too much time with me, only the two of us, so either they would break up with Catra or Catra would break up with them.
One day I forced myself to tell her it was okay to spend less time with me, pretending that wouldn't bother me, so she could make some time for those girls. She laughed and then spoke in a more serious tone: “Do you really think I would choose some random chick over you? Wow, you are dumber than I thought, Adora.” I felt my heart flutter and I threw myself into her arms, hugging her tight. When she noticed I was crying, she ran her hands up and down my back, soothing me, and added. “No one will ever stay between us. No matter what happens, it’s going to be you and me, until the end of the world."
I still don’t know why I made her promise me that, but she did, without hesitation. And I did too. So I finally could breathe a sigh of relief, for I needed her so much in my life and I couldn’t bear the idea of staying away from her.
But those days wouldn’t last forever. We grew up, I got into college and Catra had to spend most of the time on the road with her band. We still exchanged messages everyday and called each other at least twice a week, which helped a little… but, God, how I missed her talking and laughing and even teasing me while I could actually look at her face.
She changed the subject again, now telling me about the contract they were about to sign. She usually wasn’t that talkative, but I sensed she was trying to distract me from whatever it was in my mind. It wasn’t working though, I was only mildly aware of what she was saying. Good thing she had already told me about this over the phone a couple of days ago.
So instead of listening to her every word, I was doing something I couldn’t do regularly: paying attention to her every detail. The way she tilted her head while talking, her smile with only one side of the mouth curling up. The way she leaned on her hand, narrowed her eyes and lowered her voice, secretively telling me she had found out three members of her band were in some sort of relationship. I chuckled when she playfully glanced at both sides, as if checking if someone had overheard her, even though she knew the place was about to close and we were the only customers left.
I took a look at my watch, realizing it was already past midnight. I hated how time flew when we were together. We would have to say goodbye soon, so I tried to focus on her laughter to distract me. As she noticed I was watching her, she smiled and slowly blinked at me, once. I never mentioned she used to do this when she was talking to me, afraid she would stop if she ever became aware of it. I loved how endearing and spontaneous and exclusive that gesture was. She never did that while talking to anyone but me. It was silly, I know, but that always made me feel special for some reason.
She reached for her glass of sparkling water, dripped a few more drops of lemon and finished it. I had told her to take a taxi and meet me here, so she could have a beer tonight — I knew she loved the beer they served here — but she insisted on picking me up with her car. Although my stepmother called Catra a transgressor, Catra never drank and drove, not even when we were younger and stupider. I couldn’t say the same about that woman.
This reminded me of the day I asked Catra why she hadn’t sold her car, since now she could rarely use it. She shrugged and said: “When I drive it, it makes me feel like we are 16 again.” I smiled, for I felt that way too whenever we were together in it. It hadn’t been so long ago, but our lives had changed so much since then…
“Shall we go?” Catra asked, opening her bag and putting some money on the table, enough for paying for the both of us.
“No way. This one is on me! You know it's my turn!” I protested, but she just walked past me, heading to the exit.
“Really? You should have said it first then.” She snickered without looking back. "Try not to be the slowest person in the world and maybe next time is on you, princess."
I should have known she would do that. She always did that. I gritted my teeth and made a mental note to be faster next time.
“Catra!” I grabbed my purse and followed her. “Wait!”
The pub wasn’t far from the apartment I shared with Bow and Glimmer, so I felt my heart clench at the realization we were running out of time and Catra wouldn’t be back for the next few months. The next shows would be far from here and, after that, they would start recording their first album. When she shared the news, she looked as happy as on the day she bought that car with her own money. I couldn’t actually see her when she told me about the contract, since we were over the phone and miles away, but she was talking in that same excited way she did when we were kids, so I could easily picture her.
We were getting near my neighborhood and suddenly the weird talk we had earlier stirred in my mind. I hadn’t actually let it go, just pushed it back so we could enjoy the rest of the evening, but for some reason I felt like we needed to talk about that. Catra had long changed the subject and was acting as normal as ever, so I had no idea of how to bring it up without making it weird.
“You okay?” She asked, glancing at me, her hands still on the steering wheel. “It’s not like you to stay quiet for so long.”
“Y-Yeah, sure… I am… I’m good.”
She laughed. “You so are not.”
“Then why do you ask me, if you don't believe me?!”
I could see her rolling her eyes, even though they were fixed on the road.
“You stuttered and hesitated. Besides, you’re bouncing your feet and playing with your fingers. So either I know you too well or you are a terrible liar. Probably both.”
She chuckled and, soon after that, she stopped the car in front of my condo, unbuckled the seatbelt and sat in a way she could face me. Her eyes lingered on mine and she seemed to be studying me, which only made me feel more nervous.
“What's wrong, Adora?” She sounded so concerned it made my throat tighten.
I didn’t know why I was feeling the way I was. I think when Catra made that suggestion earlier in the evening, it must have triggered something in me and I just couldn’t stop mulling over that.
I dropped the stare to my hands on my lap and then I asked quietly. “I know you have to go to the airport early in the morning, but do you think you could come inside for a moment?”
“Yeah, of course.” I knew she would never say no. Still, she looked somewhat hesitant. “Is it really okay if I come in? I mean, it’s late, so Bow and Glitter are probably sleeping…”
“You mean Glimmer?”
“Yeah, but Glitter suits her better!” She laughed and I made a face, even though I thought it funny too. Actually, Glimmer was the only one who hated that alternative yet affectionate way to call her, Catra’s own words.
“They are not home tonight.” I answered, trying to disguise my newly found panic at the idea of being alone with her.
“Okay. So let’s go then.”
We got out of the car and I could feel the tension building up on me. We had been alone countless times before, but this time it felt... different. There was something lingering in the air, something that wasn’t here before. Or maybe it was and I just hadn’t noticed it — perceptiveness has never been my strongest suit.
We walked into the building and took the elevator to the 6th floor, both remaining silent. As for me, I was too focused on finding a proper way to ask what I wanted to ask, but Catra was probably quiet to avoid unnecessary noise late at night.
As I picked up the keys in my purse and aimed for the keyhole, I noticed my hand trembling almost imperceptibly. If Catra had noticed it too, she kept it to herself. So I opened the door for her and she walked past me, the smell of her perfume immediately traveling through my nostrils straight to my brain. Her wavy hair then brushed lightly against my arm and I inhaled deeply, trying to calm myself, but that only made me become more aware of her scent.
I hated how everything about her had started affecting me. I wasn’t used to being nervous around her.
Usually we would hang out in my room, but Catra put her bag on the armchair and sat on the couch, motioning for me to sit next to her. Since she knew Bow and Glimmer were out for the night, she probably presumed I would feel more comfortable having this conversation in the living room.
I froze in place for a moment and then forced myself to move, feeling like a child who was about to get the scold of her life. It was irrational, I know. I was the one who needed an explanation, not her.
“What is it... Adora?” The way she said my name after a brief pause, using that husky voice of hers, made it hard for me to start. “This is because of what I said earlier, isn't it?”
Thank God she brought it up, because I don’t think I could. I nodded with my head low. I wanted to stare at her in the eyes, but I didn’t feel confident enough to do so.
“I’m sorry." She went on and I sensed a pang of remorse in her tone. "I shouldn’t have said anything. I thought you would laugh and call me an idiot, then just forget about it…” With my head still low, I could see she was fiddling with her fingers, probably a bit nervous too. “If I knew you would be so upset about it, I would've kept my mouth shut.”
That would have been better… right? Why did I have to make such a big deal out of this? And why the more I thought about this crazy idea of hers, the more I found myself into it?
"But… did you really mean what you said?" Oh, God… What I was doing? Was I really willing to go all the way if she said yes?
"Yes..."
“You also said…” My voice came out weak, so I had to restart. “You said I was beautiful…?”
That was not the main point, I don’t even know why I mentioned that!
“Because you are.”
“And that…” God, this was getting harder at each second, “that you… were attracted to me or something?”
I steeled myself. I needed one of her honest answers now, like I never did before, so I stared her in the eyes. She seemed... shocked? Maybe she wasn’t expecting a straight question like this. I know I wasn’t, and I was the one who asked it.
She lowered her head and parted her lips, but as if recalling I needed her eyes on mine when we talked about serious stuff, she lifted her face.
“Yes… I was attracted to you.” Then she added, more quietly. “Still am.”
I think my heart skipped several beats at that confession. Her words remained pounding repeatedly in my ears, making it hard for me to reason, so I ended up asking the most obvious question.
“Since… when?”
“Since... always, I guess?” She chuckled, halfheartedly. “You were just too dumb to notice and I… I was too scared to tell you.”
Since always?!
“You could have told me…” I mumbled, my heart shrinking in my chest. Instinctively I reached for her hands, feeling the need to touch her. The tips of her fingers had callouses for all the guitar playing, but her hands were soft, so soft. “You should have told me.”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything." She shrugged with a sad smile. "I knew nothing would ever happen between us. But it’s okay, Adora. I think most lesbians have a crush on a straight girl at some point in their lives.”
Straight girl. Was I really… straight?
Now, thinking of the way I always felt about Catra and my lack of interest in men… thinking of how jealous I was of her girlfriends and how I just couldn't stand the idea of being away from her... and combined with how I couldn't let go of what she said at the pub… I finally let myself think that maybe… maybe I wasn't as straight as everyone — including myself — thought.
I was shocked and paralyzed, as if I had been thrown out of a plane without a parachute on. My whole life was flashing before my eyes and... how could I have been so blind?! It was obvious I didn't like men! I never felt comfortable with them, never felt attracted to them!
But at the same time, I had never felt attracted to girls either. Maybe because no girl I knew was as cool as Catra. They weren't nearly as funny and interesting as her either — but then, no one was. So Catra was the only girl I wanted to spend time with… the only girl who made me laugh and who knew how to comfort me… the only girl with eyes so warm, the mismatched colors reminding me of the blue sky and the yellow sand on a sunny day at the beach... the only girl I wanted to hug and hold hands and-
Oh…
It dawned on me and suddenly I was knocked off my feet. Was it possible that I never considered I liked girls because I have been in love with the same girl for all my life, without even noticing it?
God… Catra is so right... I'm such an idiot!
"Still..." I mumbled, while trying to remember all the signs my dense self missed or unconsciously decided to ignore back then.
Catra has always treated me differently, indeed. She was known for her aloof behavior and acid comments. More than once, girls who liked her came to talk to me, trying to find out what I had done to break down her walls. But I didn't do anything… I guess I was just lucky she liked me.
“You were my best friend, Adora. I was afraid this would mess up with our friendship… afraid that you would start, like, avoiding me because you didn't feel comfortable around me anymore. If things got too weird, I wouldn’t lose some girl. I would lose you — my best friend, the person I care about the most in this whole world! And I couldn't let that happen."
"You would never lose me! I would never start avoiding you!”Honestly, if I were in her shoes, I don’t think I would have done things differently. I would probably have thought a girl like her, who could have anyone she wanted, would never fall for a girl like me. But I just couldn’t believe she had kept things from me because she thought I would start avoiding her if she told me. “God, Catra! You helped me get through life— No! You helped me get through a living hell! You are the best thing that ever happened to me! It hurts me to know that you spent years thinking I could just turn my back on you!"
"I was a coward, okay?!” She cut me off, sounding a bit exasperated, and got up from the couch. Without looking at me, she took a deep breath and ran her fingers through her abundant hair the way she always did whenever she needed to calm down.
I got up too, instinctively following her. I tried to push aside my guilt and frustration at myself, though I couldn’t stop wondering how I could have been so blind. If only I hadn't been so ridiculously oblivious, I would have figured out my feelings for her years ago. I’m sure she would have acted differently had she seen any signs of reciprocation.
“Catra…”
“I’m sorry, Adora. I know I should have told you years ago, but I… I was so scared.” This time she spoke in a voice so low I could barely hear her. As she lifted her face, my heart broke at the sorrow I saw reflected in those mismatched eyes. “I know you would never turn your back on me, but I thought things would inevitably change after you turned me down. We would still hang out, sure, but I would be devastated for God knows how long and I wouldn’t be able to hide it from you if we kept on spending every waking minute together. Whenever you looked at me, you would know why I was hurting, you would know it was because of you. And I didn’t want to make you feel bad for not wanting me the way I wanted you, it wouldn’t be fair to you! So please understand. I didn’t want to mess with our friendship. I could handle the pain of an unrequited love, but I don’t think I could handle the pain of losing my best friend.”
I felt my eyes watering and tried to swallow the lump in my throat.
"What made you change your mind, then?" She looked at me as if she hadn't understood the question. "Why did you decide to tell me tonight, after all these years?"
"I… I let it slip." She said after a brief moment and then gave me a fake innocent smile. "You had just told me you thought you were an acephalous and—"
"Asexual, Catra." I corrected it even though I knew I didn't need to. Witty comments and teasing were her specialty, and Catra always resorted to them when she wanted to lighten the mood or distract her target.
She smirked and went on, but earnestly now. "Anyway, when you told me about your relationships and how much not feeling anything bothered you… well, that bothered me too, to the point I ended up voicing my thoughts out loud. And then… when you asked me if I had been serious... I couldn’t lie to you."
I knew we were talking about my relationships before she turned my world upside down with that only sentence, but I had forgotten we were talking specifically about sex. My frustration probably had reached its peak to make me talk about this subject.
"You would hate it." I averted my eyes. Catra was way more experienced than I, plus I had never, ever, been with a girl before. I'm pretty sure I would be a disaster. Not to mention I was nearly impossible to please, which would certainly be frustrating for her. And of all people in the world, Catra was the last person I wanted to disappoint. "I'm not good at this... It would probably be the worst experience of your life."
She took a step forward and raised my chin, shaking her head in response to what I had just said.
"Why do you think so low of yourself? For what you've told me, these guys have no idea of how a woman should be treated and they never really paid attention to your needs. In fact, I never understood how you could settle for those losers." She paused, sounding almost annoyed. The hand that had just been supporting my chin went down and find my own hand. I tried to focus on her words, not on the warmth of her skin. "You deserve so much more, Adora. You deserve nothing less than a night of undivided attention from someone who truly cares about you."
I felt my cheeks heating up again. No one had ever said such things to me.
"Obviously, it doesn't have to be me…" she added quietly, almost timidly, "but definitely it has to be someone who loves you, who cares about you, who will be considerate to your feelings. Someone who's willing to learn how you need to be touched and that will make you feel like you mean the world to them, like you are the most precious thing in their life..."
As her words tried to heal my broken self-esteem, I watched her moving lips. They seemed to be even softer and warmer than her hands. I wondered if my love life has been a disaster because I have been insistently searching in the wrong places when all I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was here all the time, right in front of my eyes.
Instantly, what Catra had just said came to my mind. In the past, she believed a supposed rejection could somehow compromise our friendship. But now, as the initial impossibility of that casual suggestion began to fade, I had to admit I was concerned too. My love life has been a collection of failures and sex was whole other problem. I have never felt comfortable with intimacy, no one has ever been able to make me long for them.
Yet… those words Catra said almost unpretentiously earlier in the evening seemed to trigger something in me. I caught myself watching at her like I never did before. Her eyes, her lips, the way she moved… I was enthralled by every aspect of her. I was flabbergasted at the realization I couldn’t stop wondering what it would feel like to kiss her, to touch her, because as she described the person with whom she thought I should be, the only person I could think of was actually... her.
"What if I said yes?" The question popped out of my mouth before my brain could even register it.
She looked at me as if I had spoken in a foreign language.
"Adora..." She breathed my name and her lips remained parted, as if she wanted to say something else, but she couldn’t articulate. I couldn’t remember ever seeing her at a complete loss for words.
She ran her hand through her hair again and started pacing around, too agitated to remain still. I followed her with my eyes, my breath caught in my throat as I waited for her answer.
"I can't do this… We can't do this, Adora… I mean, you haven't thought things through—"
"I have." I cut her off unintentionally, but I had spent the whole night debating with myself about it. I knew what I was doing, I just didn’t want to wait any longer so my insecurities wouldn’t get in the way. "There's just one more thing I need to know. When you told me I should let you make love to me…" I probably blushed as I repeated her exact words, but forced myself to go on anyway, "why didn’t you say have sex, instead? You never phrased it like this, it was the first time I actually heard you say make love.”
She lowered her head with an uncharacteristic yet cute shy smile. It was the first time I saw her face looking so flushed.
“Isn’t it obvious?” She raised her head and our eyes met again. "Having sex didn't feel like a suitable expression. With you, it would never be just sex."
My heart fluttered and I don't know what came on me, but I took a step forward and caressed her cheek with my knuckles. It was as if we had changed places, because she looked so insecure while I was the one taking the lead. I stared at her, saw the confusion in those unmistakable eyes, then focused on her mouth. Her lips were trembling slightly, shallow puffs of air escaping through them. I touched her bottom lip with my fingertips and watched her eyelids fluttering a bit as she sucked in a breath. I never knew I could have such a strong effect on someone — on her, no less. Much to my surprise, I found myself fantasizing about her reactions to my every touch.
"So what if I said yes?” I repeated the question, but instead of answering she just gawked at me. I decided to rephrase it so as to leave her no doubt. “What you suggested earlier… that I should let you make love to me… what if I let you? What if I told you that I want you to?"
She immediately raised her eyebrows, startled. I knew why she was so stunned: I rarely said what I wanted. My step parents always imposed on me what they thought was better and so I grew up, unconsciously thinking that I had no saying in my own life and that I should do what would make them happy. Catra had pointed that out to me one day, years ago. Until then, I had never really noticed how submissive I was. That clearly annoyed Catra, so from that moment on she made me choose everything we would do for a month in a row, every movie we would watch, every café or restaurant we would go to. She said I needed to practice deciding things on my own and so I grew a little more confident into saying what I wanted — at least to her.
“Do you…” she frowned, as if finding it hard to believe, “do you really want me to…?”
My body was trembling a little, but I managed to keep my voice steady and my eyes on hers.
“I do.”
I think she finally began to accept it was true, because her lips gradually curled into a smile I had never seen before.
She got even closer, still with that expression that combined confusion and perplexity. As if to make sure I was really standing in front of her and saying those things, she tenderly caressed my cheek with her thumb, then slowly rested her hand on my neck, beneath my ear. Her touch sent shivers down my spine and goosebumps all over my skin, like the place had suddenly froze, though I didn’t feel any cold. In fact, I had never felt my body as warm as it was now.
Catra’s closeness made it hard for me to breathe and my knees began to weaken. Her perfume intoxicated me, making me dizzy. I needed to focus on a fixed point to keep my balance and so my eyes found her mouth, but it didn't help, for her lips weren't still… they were moving towards mine. I had to remind myself I needed oxygen, because I was so enthralled by Catra that my body apparently had forgotten how to perform even its basic involuntary functions.
She tilted her head to the side and raised her chin, compensating our height difference. My stomach seemed to have embodied an Olympic gymnast who had started practicing their routine in my belly. I gasped as those new sensations overwhelmed me, taking over me and making me feel like a foreigner in my own body.
The bridge of her nose brushed lightly against the tip of mine as Catra aligned our mouths. As if checking if it was really okay to proceed, she looked deep into my eyes one last time before she closed hers and also any existent distance between us.