Work Text:
How everything came to be remains a gigantic amount of coincidences.
2018
Late at night, Namjoon hoped the ground would swallow him whole and that when morning comes, he would be asleep, never to woke up, his mind lost in a limbo free of any worries. He didn’t know how he became sad enough to wish it would happen. It was a feeling so sinuous, it had creeped on him without him noticing. Here he was now, sitting on the roof of the building where their dorm was located, staring at the stars and silently pleading them to take him to their mother shining bright in the sky. The moon had never been more beautiful than tonight.
His pillar had always been the group. The members cheering him on. And now the pillar was destroyed, the pieces scattered on the ground as they spoke about a possible disbandment. He suddenly realize he was crying, and was tempted for a moment to hide his face between his knees before he remembered he was alone. There was no one to judge him. Slowly, he felt his mind become fuzzy and warm at the edges. He felt so cold and alone and with the guidance of the moon, he chased this warmness inside his soul. Namjoon had tried regression in his room when others weren’t home and it had felt nice, but he hadn’t felt it as much as he felt it now. He was losing his grip on reality, forgetting his worries but also where he was and why.
The warmth suddenly became suffocating as everything seemed so big when it wasn’t before. The tears came down harder, as Joonie realized he was alone and cold in this dark, dark night. He pressed his back to the wall to feel grounded and sucked on his thumb, hoping someone would come get him.
Eventually, someone did come. Joonie watched as a dark silhouette opened the door and sat a few meters in front of him without noticing him. He didn’t know if it was a stranger. Strangers can be dangerous, his mom said to him many times. Don’t talk to them. Afraid of making a noise, he muffled his whimpers but the night was quiet and the person heard him.
« -Namjoon ? Are you there ? »
All of a sudden his worries evaporated as he recognized the sweet voice of Jimin. Little Joonie wasn’t scared of being discovered. Big Namjoon was far away and in this moment, Joonie just wanted to be found. To be hugged. To be told he was worth it.
« J-Jiminie !
-Oh Namjoon, there you are. We let you leave because we know you want to be alone, but I couldn’t sleep so I went up here. You should have worn a coat though, you’ll catch a cold… »
Jimin approached him and removed his scarf to tenderly drape it over Namjoon’s shoulders. The gesture brought the little comfort, and without thinking he threw himself into Jimin’s arms to hug him tightly. The other was surprised to say the least, but he slowly hugged back his leader.
« -It’s not usual to receive a hug from you, I promise I’ll cherish this moment forever », Jimin joked to lighten the mood.
When he didn’t get a response, he slowly started to pull away from the hug, earning a whimper of disapproval. He grabed the shoulders of the older man to look at him in the eyes, only to find them wide open, big and innocent. Also, their leader was sucking his thumb.
Wait.
What ?
Before he could think more about it, Joonie spoke again.
« -Scawed, Jiminie.
-Oh Joon, it’s okay. We’ll get through this. »
He would have to talk to Namjoon about it later, but for now he just wanted to be there for him, like Namjoon always wass for them. Every problem would be solved. If he survived until morning…
« -Wow, you’re suffocating me Joon ! You’re like a koala holding his tree, I swear. »
*
* *
« I want my Daddy !
That’s what Hoseok hears when he enters their dorm, one late morning. Namjoon was sick so they left him to rest, while the rest of them went to BigHit to practice their choreography. He came back to check on his friend, with warm soup bought at the local convenience store. He didn’t know he would come back to the sound of wailing, angry sobs coming from Namjoon’s bedroom. He recognised his voice, but not the childish lilt to it.
« -I’m here, Namjoon. Are you okay ? »
The sounds stopped all at once. Well, maybe not entirely because as Hoseok walked closer to the bedroom, he could still her muffled sobs. He knocked at the door and was met with a « Go away ! » and because he was Hoseok, the ray of sunshine nobody could be mad at, or because he knew very well his fellow 94-liner, he refused to obey and entered.
Namjoon was lying on his bed, face smashed into his pillow. When he heard the door open his looked at his friend and it broke Hoesok’s heart to see his mortified face. Hoseok didn’t want Namjoon to feel ashamed. He was usually so closed off ; if he could vent a little to someone, the elder would be there. So he sat on the edge of the bed, and maybe it was the medicine Namjoon took, but his leaps weren’t sealed anymore and before he could understand why, he was explaining everything to his friend : the anxiety that came with their hectic schedule and career, the regression, how he never felt so carefree when he regressed.
At the end of his explanations, Namjoon had sat as well on the bed, and huddled closer to Hoseok. Because that’s why they called him a sunshine ; they couldn’t stop orbiting around him. The elder man pressed a kiss on his hair, and slide his hand on Namjoon’s waist to pull him closer to his side. And like everything with him, everything was simple.
« -I can be your daddy, if you want. I promise I’ll never judge you. »
An hour later, Hoseok was already feeding him his soup while making the airplane with the spoon.
*
* *
So far, Namjoon had explained his situation to Jimin and Hoseok. He didn’t want to keep it a secret from the rest of the group ; but he didn’t know how to brought it up without the subject coming out of nowhere.
He was now at the Rkive with the rest of the rapline, the three of them working on a song in front of a single computer. Slowly but surely, Namjoon was losing focus and was becoming more and more frustrated. So tuned to his best friend’s emotions, Yoongi felt the frustration building in him to and, before he could feel it turn into anger towards his bandmates and friends, excused himself to the bathroom.
The very moment the door closed behind him, Hoseok turned to him with a serious expression. Namjoon gulped, as he felt the reproaches coming. They stared at each other for a long minute before the elder started talking :
« We can’t continue work with you in this state, Namjoon. And Yoongi is slowly becoming angry, too. So either we go back home-
-But we can’t Hoseok ! We are not nearly finished with this song !
-Or… Let me finish, we can find a way for you to calm down here, and resume what we are doing after.
-No way. Absolutely no fuckin’ way-
-He wouldn’t judge you, you know.
-Judge you for what ? »
They both turned their head to see Yoongi looking at them expectantly. Hoseok glanced at Namjoon, the unspoken sentence « It’s your choice » in his eyes. The latter sighed. His thrust in Yoongi knew no limits, but his fear was absurd and without logic. There was a pregnant pause. The silence was deafening, but Namjoon clenched his fists.
« -You’re right Hoseok, we can’t do any work with us in this state. Yoongi… I have something to tell you. Sit down, please. »
It wasn’t an easy talk. Unlike Hoseok who went with the flow, Yoongi, understandably so, wanted to truly understand what it meant to be a « little ». Namjoon was glad this conversation was happening now and not a few years ago, when Yoongi was so attached to their image as rappers. Maturity had made them more open-minded, and no member would deliberatly hurt one of their own. After searching the term on Naver, and comparing it with Namjoon’s experience, he slowly nodded.
« -We could try it now, if you want. Like you said, we are too stressed and angered to get anything done.
W-Well, if you don’t have any problem with it, we could…
-A problem with it ? Namjoon, it took me years to find ways to de-stress, even for just an hour. If you have found out what works for you, I couldn’t be happier for you.
-Hyung... »
The tears were stinging his eyes. Hoseok spoke with such kindness, they flowed freely.
« Let go, Joonie.
-Joonie ? Cute. Well, Yoonie will take care of you, Joonie. »
*
* *
« -What are you drawing Jungkook ?
-I’m just skribbling some doodles, like, many cute characters with varied shapes in one shape that forms the frame…
-The doodles are very cute !
-Thanks, Rapmon-hyung ! »
Jungkook resumed his skribbling in the living room after Namjoon interrupted him. He couldn’t help it, the figures were just so cute ! The younger man was currently outlining the shapes with black ink and Namjoon was itching to colour them. He had his best set of colour pencils in his bedroom too…
Wait.
Namjoon didn’t want to. Joonie did.
Namjoon took a step back. It never happened before, for Joonie to « come at the surface » when Namjoon wasn’t in the mood and in a safe place, but he supposed that as he grew more comfortable and familiar with his little self (the sessions with Jimin, Hoseok and Yoongi were greatly helping), the latter would came out more from then on. He didn’t want to slip in front of their maknae. He wasn’t uncomfortable with the idea, quite the contrary, but he didn’t want to show this side of himself to Jungkook when the younger man wasn’t prepared and informed before. He knew little Joonie could be a lot to handle to handle, even if his three friends and caregivers always told him it was the opposite. They may be enjoying the activity, and Namjoon was forever glad for that, but it didn’t mean every member of the group would. He told himself that, but he could see from the corner of his eye Jungkook watching him intantly, like he just realized something.
« -Do you want to draw with me, Joonie ?
-No, hyung has to work, Jungkook. Thanks though.
-You don’t have to be the hyung, Joon. I can take care of you ! »
Jungkook made a show of flexing his muscles, and Namjoon giggled. He quickly covered his mouth with his hand, but his friend smiled at him with the cutest bunny smile, and just like that he felt himself slip.
« -I’m sorry Jungkook…
-Never be sorry, Namjoon. I’ll be the hyung for now, okay ?
-Okay, hyungie !
-Now let me find some sharpies for you... »
*
* *
When Namjoon came home at 11 PM, he was surprised to see Seokjin waiting for him, seated at the kitchen table. He seemed tired with dark circles under his eyes, but when he saw Namjoon his slumped figure stood up.
« -You shouldn’t work so late… Here, we left some of tonight’s dinner for you. Come eat. »
Namjoon was too tired to speak, so he walked to the kitchen table and, without sitting, eyed his plate. Seokjin smiled at his zombie-like friend, and sitted him himself. The warm hands on Namjoon’s shoulders were nice, and he could feel himself zoning out. Seokjin squished his cheeks to keep his head up, so thankfully his face didn’t meet his plate in an unexpected way.
The day had been too long. At one point Namjoon had known his frustration kept him from doing anything constructive, but he had his goals set for the day and refused to leave the office without them done. In the end, it didn’t even matter because his computer crashed, and gone were the meager scraps of inspiration with it. Tonight, he didn’t want to be an adult with goals of constructive work anymore. He wanted to be a baby. A baby played with his toys, was fed and cleaned and pampered without any care in the world.
He wished life was more simple, because at the moment he was having a hard time gathering the courage he needed to tell Seokjin that maybe tonight he would be… A little out of character. But no. That would be a lie, wouldn’t it ? Joonie was very much a part of him and he couldn’t deny that any longer. What had started as a way to cope with anxiety morphed into a discovery of a part of himself he now treasured.
Even when tired, Namjoon loved to reflect on the mind and its personas.
« -Seokjin. Can I talk to you about something ?
-Yes, Namjoon ?
-It may come out of the blue and for that I’m sorry. But it’s a part of me I no longer wish to hide to all of you, and most of the members know already, so… I’m a little, it means I… I regress to a younger age to cope with the stress and anxiety. It’s not sexual, but I understand if you... »
Jin, at that, looked a bit guilty. Namjoon felt his heart clench. What if his bandmate announced him he was disgusted ? Or what if he didn’t want anything to do with him anymore ? Before he could excuse himself and stand up however, Jin answered.
« -Oh Joon, I’m sorry, I already knew… I saw you play with Jungkook the other day and your behaviour intrigued me. He explained to me what it was all about, and I wanted to tell you that I knew but I didn’t know how to bring it up. »
At that, Namjoon slumped in relief. He couldn’t help it, and let out a long exhale.
« -I’m not mad at you, Seokjin. In fact I’m relieved, it makes it easier for both of us. I think I’ll go to bed, now.
-Wait, Joon. »
He felt a hand on his wrist but didn’t look at it, too lost in the elder’s eyes.
« -I want to take care of you, too. You do so much for us and I would be happy if I could give it back to you, if only… »
He winked.
« -A little ! »
Namjoon snorted but couldn’t help the fondness clogging he thorat, wetting his eyes. Ah, what a wonderful family he had. He climbed on Jin’s lap, and both stared wide eyed at each other, both surprised by Namjoon’s boldness.
« -Might as well begin now, because I have dreamed of a hug all day, Uncle Jinnie.
-Huh, so I’ll be the uncle with the bad jokes ? I kind of like that. »
*
* *
« -Namjoon, are you asleep ?
-Yes, sleep.
-You’re suffocating me, Namjoon ! Let go ! »
Taehyung tried to escape the hot furnace that is Namjoon’s embrace, but the latter just held tighter. He wiggled but to no avail ; he was now a prisoner of the least cuddly person in the group, who seemed to have another persona in his sleep. Now, Taehyung was not dumber than another, he saw how sometimes Namjoon would be a little more childish, and bask in the attention of the members.
Jimin had talked to him about it in very succinct words. He just told him to not make fun of him, and if he was curious about it he should talk to the rapper directly because the situation was to be handled with care and love.
And love Namjoon did Taehyung. He may even be the more honest with himself, out of all the members. He turned to his friend, or tried to do so in the tight embrace. He looked at his pouty face, his frown and his desperatly shut eyes. Namjoon didn’t fool anyone even in the dark of the night and the vocalist was endeared. He stroked his cheek and whispered to his ear :
« -I know you’re awake, Namjoon.
-Nuh-uh, sleeping Tae ! See ! »
Namjoon then went into a very poorly done imitiation of snoring. At that, Taehyung snorted.
« -Leave the acting to me, because I think I do a better job of it. »
The snoring continued.
« -You’re a stubborn child, aren’t you ? »
The snoring stopped.
« -So you knew Tata ? You’re not mad Joonie is a b-baby ? »
Taehyung paused. Suddenly, all made perfect sense, even if the explanation left him surprised and full of more questions. But amons all the questions and the worries, like a beacon of light in the stormy sea, he knew one thing :
« -I will never be mad at you for being you, Joonie.
-I’m sorry for hugging you too tight Tata, promise I won’t do it anymore.
-You can hug me all you want sweetie but I’m too hot ! But you know what we can do ?
-Tell me Tata !
-We can hold hands ! »
And so began their little ritual of holding hands while sleeping. Taehyung would speak about it fondly to the cameras, only once. And if for BT21, he chose to name his character Tata as a spokeperson for love in the whole universe, then that would be his little secret between him, Joonie and his members.
*
* *
All in all, how everything came to be remains a gigantic amount of coincidences indeed. But if you were to ask some of the members, they would talk to you about fate. Fate held in the power of words. Simple words indeed, but what else holds a greater power than the names you give to the ones you love ?