Work Text:
Stopthinkingstopthinkingstopthinkingstopthinkingstopthinkingstopthinkingstopthinking.
my mind is so noisy, it will not go quiet for even a second and I hate it, it’s the worst, why why why do I feel like this? My life is perfect?! I’m okay, my father is there with me and isn’t an asshole and doesn’t drink and I have awesome friends but I feel like everything crumbles on top of me, the good things just make me want to drown and I can’t stop feeling like this! And the sea calls me but I live nowhere near the sea
Jade is alone but she’s always so happy and Dave’s brother was a jerk to him and treated him like shit and rose’s mother and her were always fighting and she was never there with her until the day she died! And she doesn’t care and she looked at her but didn’t ever SEE her and they all suffered yet they’re all okay
And then there I am, just a piece of shit, who stays in the room all day and I feel like this, even when everything is good but still I just can’t stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop!
And the time passes and yet here I am…
John took a moment to breath, as they noticed that the air felt too thin and their chest felt like it was going to give at any minute, they knew what was to be done, for rose had told them before.
They just had to breathe
“tell me john, what’s your wall like?” she had said while john had one of these… episodes as she had taken to call them
John breathed as well as they could and looked at her as if she was a fool for a moment.
But john complied and they talked about the wall for what seemed to be hours.
John didn’t want to talk about the wall.
John just wanted to stop whatever was going on with him, because sometimes it felt… it felt as if they were nothing. Not a self-worth issue, more of an existential one, I mean, what were they at the end of the day but nothing, they were here but actually, they really weren’t and all they spouted was nothing but hot air, and it felt as if maybe… just maybe if they closed their eyes, and stopped breathing, everything would disappear.
maybe they were the one who would, wouldn’t that be nice? If they just became a non-entity.
No bothersome funerals, afterlife, or, whatever there was on the other side.
They actually never thought about it. It didn’t matter much really, did it?
“and what does the clock say? John” rose asked john after the silence that had encroached upon both of them.
“can we talk about something else? I feel better now “even though they knew it wasn’t true… it was fine, it wasn’t as if they were lying, really, after all, rose knew they weren’t feeling better at all.
John looked around the room once more.
It had white walls, white floor, a coffee table, huge interior and a really big window, like… REALLY BIG. Rose had always liked big windows they supposed, but even with all the big windows, the room was way too clear for the lights not to be on… john didn’t know why, but whenever rose and them were together, they felt like the place was always much clearer. John would always have these dumb little theories about aliens, or super powers and whatnot, but it was nothing more than that, stupid childish fantasies.
John was seated in a quite comfy white small sofa in front of the coffee table with one of the big windows behind them when they noticed that rose was watching them intently… it was strange for her to look at him the way she did, but they didn’t mind, it was probably one of her new theories? Or something? To be honest John never knew when it came to Rose.
And suddenly she got up, still staring at them, and she walked towards the sofa they were in, after which she sat beside him and hugged him.
It felt weird.
The touch, oh gods, the touch felt alien and disgusting
It was too much
It was too much
However, after a few seconds, the feeling stopped feeling so unnatural.
It only felt sad.
Sad because they knew they didn’t deserve it.
“thank you” john whispered as they lightly turned their head to watch out of the window.
Winter was about to start and john looked towards a small pool which lay in Rose’s backyard, one of the things Rose’s mother felt her daughter would love, and without even consulting her first built.
It was really cold, they could see their breath, this cursed and disgusting breath which they took as nothing more but proof that they were tied to this… thing that others called a normal life.
“are you okay john?” Rose said as she got away from her somewhat awkward physical demonstration of affection which she assured john was entirely platonic “You seem quite out of sorts… and may I ask for the window to be closed? It’s quite cold, you can even see your breath” It was only then that john noticed that even though she seemed quite alright, one of her hands was trembling, probably because of the cold.
Of course John managed to bother rose, and in her own home… she hadn’t even charged him for the session… sessions, for it was the third time that she had done so. It seemed that Rose, jade and even Dave were worried for him.
John looked back at the pool outside rose’s window.
If they could go for a swim, perhaps
Just perhaps they’d feel better
A swim at night.
It’d be so cold
So cold
Perhaps cold enough to not feel
they knew they should stop thinking
They wished it was possible
“I’m sorry rose, I don’t feel so good” john said while maintaining their gaze upon the pool “could we perhaps talk again another day?”
and a second passed
and another
and another
Rose breathed in, then after a few moments she sighed and answered “of course john”
John got up and went for the door.