Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“Oh shit.”

Baekhyun’s stomach churns badly the moment he realizes he’s not in his own bed.

No. The windows in his bedroom aren’t that huge for the morning sun to light up the room so bright like this. The paint on his walls is supposed to be boring white instead of the pristine light grey color. The blanket wrapping his body is in plain baby blue instead of the checkered pink and green pattern his mother bought for him when she was welcoming him home after his graduation from law school. There are supposed to be glow-in-the-dark plastic stars stuck on the ceiling, but all he sees is clean white above him.

But actually he doesn’t need to list those facts to know he’s on someone else’s bed because this one is King sized instead of twin.

And , the owner of the bed is now standing under the door frame across the room.

“Shit.” He abruptly gets up to sit on the bed. “I’m…”

“Relax.” The deep, almost husky voice makes his skin jump a little. He would love to take a proper look at the guy’s face, but he’s too embarrassed to do it right now. All he could catch from glancing at the guy is that he’s freaking tall. And built. Those guns. Even from a short peek he could already tell that - the fuck is wrong with me?!

“I’m Chanyeol.” the stranger’s voice forces him to look up. He’s greeted with a handsome face. Suddenly this whole idea looks plausible. “You’re in my bed.”

The voice. The fucking voice. It’s warm, chocolatey if it’s even a thing, dripping, and slowly driving him insane. “Uh. I’m… Baekhyun,” he croaks up, cursing when he finds himself sounding like a disoriented frog, “and I’m… sorry? I mean, if I did something… weird. Last night.”

There’s a mug of something steaming in the guy’s hand. Chanyeol. The guy’s name is Chanyeol. The Chanyeol guy is now taking a sip from the said mug. White ceramic mug. There’s a picture of a white dog on it. A hot guy who loves dogs? Baekhyun is already gone to sin heaven. “Nothing was weird last night.”

“Then what happened?” Baekhyun couldn’t even prevent his lips from asking.

He watches as a smirk spreads on the corner of the guy’s lips. “Want me to break it down part by part?”

“No thank you I’m good.” Baekhyun yanks the blanket open, heat rising on both of his cheeks. He sighs in exasperation when he finds he’s in the stranger’s t-shirt and boxer. Did he really dress up again last night? Sounds sweet. “Uh…”

“Your clothes are on the chair.”

True to the stranger’s words, his clothes are on the chair right across the bed, folded neatly. “I…”

“I’ll look somewhere else.” the stranger says casually, then he looks away while sipping his drink.

“Thanks.” Baekhyun murmurs. He gets off the mattress and dresses up at the speed of light. Once he’s done, he grabs his jacket on the armrest of the chair and struggles with the sleeve while wearing it.  “I’ll be going. Bye. Sorry for the inconvenience. And thanks. Your bed felt so good.”

He gulps down and braves himself up to walk past the stranger, who’s now giving him a way out. “Just my bed?” the guy asks in a low whisper as he inches near him.

Baekhyun closes his ears instantly and zooms away, the guy’s laughter echoing behind him. This is why he never likes being wasted - or maybe he could like it this one time.

===

Bucheon on Summer days is warm, almost muggy, and obnoxiously humid. Baekhyun wonders why he even wears a bomber jacket during this weather. He keeps changing his grip around his phone because his hands easily sweat, and the device itself is getting warmer. The heat hits him from all possible directions as he walks down the block; the sky, the pavement, the air around him. He’s going to shrink into a sad looking raisin at this point.

“I shit you not. He was hot. Like damn hot.”

“That was not -” he hears and can actually imagine Jongdae sighing in desperation from the other side, “what I meant was were you serious that you really ended up at someone else’s house last night. Just how wasted were you?”

Baekhyun explodes in a titter. “I know right? But man, if I didn’t get that wasted, I wouldn’t have met him. Who even thought I would get laid with a hottie in Bucheon? Bucheon of all places. Anyway,” he pauses to fan himself with his hand, “are you sure you weren’t with me last night?”

“Yes, dickhead. I’m still in Seoul, remember?”

“I don’t . Can’t remember any shit. That’s why I kept asking. Why are you in Seoul again?”

“My project!”

“The cafe one? I think you’ve told me about designing a blueprint for a cafe.”

“Now you remember. Did you really think I’d leave you alone if we came together last night?”

“Well, there’s a whole ass Kim Minseok.”

There’s a pause. Baekhyun wonders if the connection has been cut, but the minute and seconds numbers are still there above Jongdae’s name on the screen. “Oh yes, correct, who else would I have the heart to leave you for?”

“Wow. What a loyal friend. Thanks. A blessing.” Baekhyun says flatly. “Gotta hang up now. Forgot to wash my face before leaving that guy’s place. I’m buying some mineral water.”

“Oh? Aren’t you the type to come home and shout ‘mom I saw someone’s peepee last night’? Mommy’s good boy wasn’t it?”

“Fuck you gazillion times. At least the peepee I saw belonged to a hottie.”

“That hottie was generous. What’s the name again?”

Baekhyun opens his mouth to say the name out, but nothing comes into his mind. “I… forgot?”

“Classic Byun Baekhyun. Go wash your face now, brat.”

There are exactly five pots of lemon trees at the outer side of the fence of his house. Baekhyun takes a whole minute to stare at them; the tiny lemons have already started growing out on the twigs. He's confused, because he can't recall ever seeing them before. Or could it be that he hasn't noticed them until now ever since he came home a few days ago?

Deciding that it shouldn't be his concern for the moment, he leaves them be and goes right to the front door. He punches in the password, inhaling a good amount of air when the lock system beeps. He grabs the handle and pushes the door open carefully. He feels stupid. It’s already ten in the morning, his mother must be awake already.

True to his guess, he finds his mother in the living room, arranging the flower vase at the center of the coffee table. Baekhyun stands next to the couch and waits until his mother pays attention to him, grinning sheepishly when she scans him from head to toe. “Looks like someone had a great night.” she muses.

“I was at Jongdae’s!” the words flow from his lips so naturally.

His mother smirks. “I didn’t ask, dear.”

“Weren’t you worried about your favorite son?”

“My favorite son is now so far away from me.”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “Baekbeom is taking care of Mongryong well. Don’t worry.” He then gets back to his mother, who’s now taking the cleaning kit with her. “So what’s my project for today?”

“Let’s see. Was thinking of kimchi stew and pajeon. Maybe egg roll too. Oh, are you fixing the garden’s table with your Dad today?”

“I guess? If he leaves work early.”

“Then you’re going to be busy today. But first, oh God,” his mother scrunches her nose, batting air with her hand, “go shower!”

Baekhyun pouts, lifting an arm to sniff himself as he makes his way upstairs.

Twenty minutes later, he’s stationed in the kitchen, slicing tofu; he always starts with ingredients that wouldn’t be messy once they’re cut. Next would be the green onions for both the stew and pajeon. His mother is already making the stock for the stew, and his nose gratefully inhales its smell. They’re making today’s lunch and dinner worth of food, as what Baekhyun has suggested to his mother; it would be a hassle to prepare for another dish.

Lunch is just him and his mother eating across each other on the dining table, talking about the latest gossip of everyone they could think of. His mother’s high school friend has been remarried with another high school friend. His senior from law school Junmyeon is now a TV lawyer. The old man down the block just bought another sleek looking car.

He washes all the dishes, taking his time with it. He rewards himself with a good nap afterwards. Days at home in Bucheon are always slow and lulling like this, especially in Summer, when the heat messes up with his head, making him feel like he’s in some kind of fatamorgana. The time still runs, but at the same time it feels like it’s stuck. Not that he minds, though. He needs this kind of trance for the meantime.

When he wakes up again, it’s almost dark outside and his father has just arrived home. Baekhyun immediately goes to help his mother prepare dinner; this time it’s much faster because they’re just reheating the food, adding in some stock water. His father ruffles his hair affectionately for a moment before disappearing behind the bedroom door not too far from the dining area. A little bit weird, because his father has never been that blatantly affectionate type. Maybe it’s the age.

“I think I have to go back to Seoul soon.” Baekhyun announces when they’re in the middle of dinner. “My work must be piling up.”

“But you said your seniors are okay with you being here.”

“Yeah. But I keep thinking about my work.” he sighs heavily. “It’s alright. A few days of vacation is more than enough. I don’t want to be on their bad side anyway.”

“Will it be safe for you to go back?”

Baekhyun halts his hand from scooping the broth from the huge bowl in front of him, looking up at his father. “Safe, as in…?”

His father stares at him for a moment before he gets back to his own bowl again. “At least help me finish the renovation first before you go, okay?”

“Of course.”

Baekhyun shrugs off the weird feeling that lingers around him for the rest of the evening.

===

He wakes up in the morning barely recognizing his surroundings.

It gets more familiar as the seconds pass by. The old yet well kept furniture, the glow-in-the-dark plastic stars that are stuck on the ceiling, the noticeably loud whirring of the old air conditioner, even the softness of the fabric of the sheets that have been washed repeatedly throughout the years. It’s his old bedroom, the one he grew up in until the end of high school.

If he wakes up here, then it means…

Fuck. Not again.

His head aches tremendously, creating a buzzing sound inside. He struggles to get up to sit at the edge of his bed; the ache only worsens. Now he regrets waking up. Maybe he should’ve stayed asleep to spare himself and everyone else the fuss.

What do I do now?

What the hell should I do now?

The band is playing some rock ballad songs and the electric guitar is starting to claw on his eardrums. The drum is making his heart pound; he could tell it’s from the drum, because he hasn’t even downed half of his drink yet. He doesn’t even know the song, which makes the singer sound like they’re just screaming blabbers at him. Why is he still sitting here?

The crowd. He was looking for the crowd. When he woke up this noon, something gnawed inside him, something bitter, and the very first thing he thought of was the bar. There are lots of places with crowds, with blurry, empty faces that he’s not obligated to recognize, where he won’t be judged for being there alone, but somehow this place was the only one he could come up with. And so here he is, sitting on the stool, staring at his glass of beer on the marbled surface of the counter. Nothing is in his interest here, but he didn’t come for some satisfaction. He’s just here because he feels like it. The properly dim lighting and the presence of a bunch of people who won’t bother him should be good enough to keep him around.

Baekhyun feels like he’s confused, or has been confused these days, but he can’t pinpoint what and why.

The stool next to him gets pulled out and occupied not long after. From his peripheral vision, he could actually notice the stranger’s appearance; it’s hard not to notice the person’s figure, because God damn, those limbs are long . From the adequately built arms that rest on the counter, visible even under the black shirt with rolled up sleeves that reveal the strange looking tattoo along the skin, to the legs that awkwardly fold on the feet rest of the stool, knees fitted against the wooden wall of the counter.

And wow, this stranger smells good.

“Hey, was wondering why you’re not here yet.” the bartender comes in, and Baekhyun immediately gets that he’s talking to the newcomer.

He hears a soft, seemingly tired chuckle coming from the stranger as the reply. “I’ll have what he has.”

Baekhyun’s eyes involuntarily fall onto his own drink again.

“Of course.” the bartender says. Of course?

When the bartender steps away to get the drink, Baekhyun glances at the stranger next to him for a few seconds before picking up his glass to stare at it. “What’s so cool about my drink that you asked for the same?”

The answer comes a little bit later than he had expected. “I always have that whenever I come here.”

“Do you even know what it is?”

“... does it take a special skill to tell whether a drink is beer or not?”

Baekhyun blinks at his drink. “Touche.” he mumbles before downing them to the last drop.

“Wow, slow down.” the stranger snorts, but he pays him no heed. “A newbie, I see.”

“A regular, I assume.” Baekhyun puts the glass down with a loud clunk. His eyes widen. Did he just break the glass? Thankfully not.

“Yeah.”

“Yep.”

They settle down into silence, and Baekhyun keeps his blank gaze on the bottles of alcohol drinks on the shelf across him, but he knows for sure that his brain is very alarmed at the moment because of the stranger next to him. It feels like his moves are being watched, and maybe he could let him be before he starts considering it creepy.

Another bottle of beer comes in pair with a glass filled with ice cubes. The stranger mutters a ‘thank you’, and the bartender replies with an ‘ok’ sign before leaving them to attend another customer. He watches from the side as the stranger pours the beer into the glass, slow yet swift. Definitely a regular.

“I’m Chanyeol.” the stranger suddenly speaks again, glancing at him for a moment before getting back to focus on his drink.

Baekhyun now feels thirsty. He grabs his own bottle and pours down to fill his glass. “Baekhyun.” he says, then dares himself to properly look at the stranger. “Why are we giving out names?”

He watches as the stranger - Chanyeol - smirks behind the tilted glass, the liquid touching the tip of his lips. “Because it’s fun.” the Chanyeol guy then takes a sip before putting the glass down.

And Baekhyun wonders why he didn’t notice this before because wow, you’re fucking handsome .

“Yeah. I guess it is.” Baekhyun nods slowly. “Giving your name to a total stranger who could be a serial killer seems fun indeed.”

Chanyeol sighs heavily. “Ow shoot.” he smiles. “What gave it away?”

To his own surprise, he bursts out laughing. What’s so funny about that? He doesn’t even know. But he feels like laughing genuinely, and maybe he doesn’t need a valid reason to do it. It’s bubbly inside his chest at the moment. It gets even bubblier when the guy laughs along with him, looking amused. This could be a good night.

For the next while, they stay in silence, being comfortable with their own thoughts and each other’s presence. Every now and then Baekhyun would steal a glance at Chanyeol, and in almost all of them he’d find the guy staring back at him. Sometimes he’d pretend he doesn’t notice, other times he’d chuckle, feeling heat spreading across his cheeks. Chanyeol would laugh and look away, seemingly to hide his wide smile. What is happening between them? What is happening to him?

Eventually, heat starts to fill up his body due to the alcohol; his bum is having it worse. It then knocks some sense out of him. He shouldn’t get drunk tonight. Not when he’s found someone interesting.

“Should we head out somewhere else?” he finally says. He ransacks his head to find other words when Chanyeol throws a judgmental gaze at him. “I’m hungry. Wanna eat somewhere?”

He then realizes what he had just said. What’s with him today? This spontaneity is starting to drive him insane. Is he drunk already?

Chanyeol shrugs, making him exhale in relief. “What do you have in mind?” the guy asks him.

Baekhyun then thinks to himself for a moment, before an enlightenment comes down onto him. “I think you’re gonna like it.”

Half an hour later, Baekhyun asks himself why on earth did he think bringing someone to eat at a convenience store would be a good idea. Who could he possibly flatter with bowls of spicy tteokbokki, ramyun and canned beers? Why didn’t he think this through? He should’ve just stayed back at the bar and done the traditional flirting. This is horrible.

However, this not-so-stranger in front of him is eyeing the food with even rounder eyes. “Didn’t know I’m this hungry.” Chanyeol mumbles. “Shall we start?”

Baekhyun cracks an awkward laugh and nods, starting to stir his bowl of ramyun; the steam goes up right into his nose and he appreciates the smell very much. He finds Chanyeol already chewing the noodles despite the heat. Is this guy’s tongue made of iron? Baekhyun wonders as he decides to take a bite of the tteokbokki first, glazing red and coated with mozzarella cheese. Oh, drink first. He goes for the cheap canned beer. Always drink first not to choke later.

The first minutes of their feast is filled with the sound of them chewing and slurping. No words exchanged, although it doesn’t stop Baekhyun to openly steal glances at the guy in front of him. Chanyeol seems to take the whole space of his sight, blocking him from noticing everything else. His presence is just that big, that filling, and Baekhyun knows it’s creepy to stare at someone he just met a couple of hours ago like this, but he just can’t help himself from doing it. Something about this guy is pulling him in, making him wonder and wonder.

It’s when Chanyeol finally notices himself being stared at that Baekhyun musters up some words. “Why did you agree to follow me here?”

He earns a shrug. This guy seems to love shrugging. “Just thought some fresh air would be nice.”

“I didn’t even tell you where I was going.”

“You seemed like you’d take me to somewhere fun.”

“Do you find this place fun?”

“Uh, yes?” Chanyeol gestures at the food in front of them. “What part of this is not fun?”

Baekhyun sighs dreamily. “Have I found my soulmate?”

Before he could regret his choice of words, he finds Chanyeol laughing softly while hiding his face, staring down at his food. “Maybe you have.”

Ow. Don’t do that. Baekhyun giggles unknowingly, heat spreading across his cheek; must be the broth, or the cheap beer. Don’t do that!

“Okay then,” Chanyeol suddenly speaks again while chewing, “soulmate test. Let’s go.”

He blinks back at Chanyeol, confused, before his brain starts to operate again. “Uh, beer or soju? One two three, beer.”

“Beer. Wow. A great start. Fried chicken or pizza? One, two, three, pizza.”

“Pizza!” Baekhyun feigns a surprised gasp. “This is interesting. Sunrise or sunset, one, two, three, sunset.”

“Sunrise. Ow,” Chanyeol pouts, “okay, we’re still two separate individuals anyway. Come on, SUV or sedan? One, two, three, SUV!”

“Se-” he bursts out laughing. “That’s it. We’ve jinxed ourselves.”

“It’s alright, maybe we still have to sync with each other properly. Give it a month.”

Baekhyun holds back a smirk at the sentence. “Does that mean you still want to see me after this?”

“Oh,” Chanyeol leans back, eyes round and sad, “you don’t want to see me again?”

“Give me one reason I should see you again.”

“Okay. Because I’m cool? And I can pay for the food and drink everytime we hang out?” he gives Chanyeol a curious frown, and the guy gets it immediately. “I’m a doctor.”

“Flexing, huh?” Baekhyun narrows his eyes. “Then how about the reason you want to see me again?”

“Because you look fun.”

Baekhyun snorts bitterly. “I’m a prosecutor. There’s nothing fun about me.”

He watches as Chanyeol leans back, lips forming a small ‘o’ shape, eyes even wider. Typical reaction whenever he tells someone what he does for a living. “Does that mean I get to listen to stories about you catching bad guys? Please say it does.”

“Ha ha, catching bad guys my ass. All we do is aggressively assure people that the defendant is indeed guilty when you’re not even the victim. It’s like telling the teachers you’re sure a random kid pushed another kid on the sand box when you didn’t even see it happen.”

Somehow the explanation makes Chanyeol almost choke on his noodles. Adorable. “I think prosecutors are so cool.” he says once he’s found air again. “You guys make people pay for what they did. You bring justice for a living. That’s so cool.”

It’s a lot more complex than just bringing justice and making people pay for the wrongs they did; and maybe that was what he believed in as well before more knowledge filled his head and alternated his belief, but Baekhyun wants to savor in the positive opinion from the guy he’s being very interested in at the moment, so he just chuckles shyly. “Thanks for the kind words.” he says genuinely. “And this might sound like I’m just saying it for the sake of repaying your kindness, but I think doctors are awesome.”

“You are saying it for the sake of repaying me.”

“Whatever. My brother is a doctor as well and I kind of spent my childhood wanting to be one. But yeah, had a change of heart in high school. Still think doctors are awesome. How do you guys deal with that much knowledge of human’s body? I really appreciate how you guys literally know how to kill someone, be it in easy or hard ways, which means you could, but you save people instead.”

“Whoa,” Chanyeol blinks at him, “that’s a refreshing way to look at it. Thanks. Really.”

“Although I’d like to tell you, I once dealt with a defendant who was a doctor. I can’t really disclose the details but he killed his fellow friend with a pen. With a pen!”

“Bet he stabbed his friend repeatedly with that. Or was it the chemical?”

“Now this is where it gets fun; it was not the case.”

Somehow Baekhyun ends up telling Chanyeol about some bizzare cases he had found during his study for law school and his fresh career as a prosecutor, and Chanyeol comments on them from his point of view as a doctor. And Baekhyun doesn’t realize that this is the very first time someone is genuinely interested to listen to the stories about his job, and this is the very first time he’s genuinely glad to share them.

And this could be the very first time that he feels so brave to talk and express himself, because this person doesn’t know him yet looks like he could listen to him for the rest of the night; it feels like he’s heard and welcomed well.

Maybe he has found his soulmate indeed?

“Are you really sure?”

“Yep. It’s just a short walk, really.”

“It’s almost 1 in the morning.”

“I’ll be fine.”

The good evening finally ends, much to his disappointment. He feels a little bit lightheaded from the cans of beers, and Chanyeol seems like it as well, and now they’re all smiles and grins, cheeks blushing, occasionally glancing away to contain the bubbly feelings inside. Chanyeol offered to walk him home without even asking where he lives.

“I really think I should walk you home.” Chanyeol says, voice low and husky. Maybe that’s what Baekhyun is a little bit tipsy from. “We can walk ten feet apart.”

God. You’re sweet. “Save it for later, okay?” he pats Chanyeol’s shoulder. “Save the honor for me next time.”

There’s going to be a next time, he’s sure of it. The warm smile on Chanyeol’s lips seals the deal. “Okay then.” the guy nods at him. “Good night, Baekhyun. See you again. Baekhyun.”

He giggles at that; he’s been giggling at everything Chanyeol does. “See you again, Chanyeol.”

The smile on his lips doesn’t disappear even as he tucks himself in his bed an hour later. He closes his eyes and buries his face into the pillow, and that’s when he realizes something that makes his heart sink.

He didn’t ask for Chanyeol’s phone number.

===

There’s a nimbus on the ceiling of his bedroom when he wakes up in the morning. It’s big and dark, looking dangerously heavy, and he could actually feel the rain brewing up there. Or maybe the rain has fallen hard onto him, and he’s now in its aftermath, soaked with dread and bitterness.

God. Not again.

As if it’s the cue, nauseousness kicks in inside his throat, and he finds himself stumbling out of his bed, almost crawling his way out of the room, heading towards the bathroom at the end of the hall. He barges in and locks the door, then immediately goes for the toilet bowl, gripping on each side as he gags and lurches forward to force out nothing. He keeps gagging, keeps trying to vomit - but nothing comes out. Tears brim on his eyes each time his body moves along with the reflex.

What a great way to start his morning.

He flushes down nothing after he feels like he could function again. Standing up with wobbly knees, he goes for the sink and rinses his mouth. Rinse again. Rinse once more. Wash the face. Rinse mouth again. He doesn’t look at himself in the mirror; he’s afraid he’ll vomit for real if he does so.

His head aches immensely, but it’s nothing new to him.

His mother is the first person he sees once he’s arrived downstairs, chopping something on the board on top of the kitchen counter. She looks up upon the sound of the wooden floor creaking, and when their gaze meets, he sees realization filling his mother’s eyes. She knows.

No words come up in his head right now. He’s frozen with shame and guilt. He doesn’t think he could look at his mother’s face any longer, but he’s just stuck like this.

“Baekhyun,” his mother calls gently, carefully. See? He’s now back to being a monster. Even his mother is afraid of him.

“Next time,” he finds himself speaking, not recognizing his own voice, “next time…”

Something sinks inside him upon the thought of having to go through this again and again. Just what has he become?

He turns around stiffly and prepares himself to climb up the stairs again.

“Next time, just change the door's password.”

He leaves before he could hear his mother’s answer.

Baekhyun’s eyes are practically glued to the TV screen at the top corner of the room, right above the cashier counter.

There’s a group of five girls dancing to an upbeat song. The girls are pretty - and look so young they could be his niece. They’re wearing fancily alternated school uniforms which seems to be part of the concept, completed with even fancier accessories. Baekhyun wonders if his younger sister would look like them if he ever has one, but that’s not his concern at the moment.

“A fan of the group?” the cashier’s voice steals his attention.

“I don’t even know them.” Baekhyun says and wonders why he doesn’t. It’s not that he’s an avid fan of girl groups, but judging from the song, he should’ve seen or heard them somewhere at least once.

“Who doesn’t know the girls these days?” the cashier laughs as he scans his purchase. “I see these are your favorite.”

Baekhyun frowns at the cashier boy, then at the stuff on the counter, then at the boy again. “Why do you think so?”

The boy chuckles. “I’ll take the beers to the table later.”

“How did you know I’m eating them here?”

Something is odd with the way the boy just casually chuckles at him, as if he had asked the most obvious question. Baekhyun shrugs it off as he walks away to get some hot water for his ramyun and tteokbokki. Do people really see him through like that all the time?

He’s already opening the sauce packets when the bell above the glass door chimes as it gets pushed, revealing a face he knows so well. “Minseok!”

“Oh?” Minseok somehow looks more relieved than surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“Having some snacks.” Baekhyun grins at his longtime friend. “Where’s the dickhead? He didn’t answer my calls the whole day. Is he asking for a death sentence?”

Minseok doesn’t answer right away, and he finds it weird. “He’s been feeling a little sick since the morning. I told him to get some rest. Typical Jongdae, he must’ve overworked himself.”

“Wait, for real?” guilt starts to fill him. “Is he okay now?”

“Yeah, he’ll manage. Don’t worry. How about you? Are you alright?”

“I guess…?”

His friend steps closer to him and pat him on the shoulder. “Good.” Minseok nods at him. “Take care, okay?”

Baekhyun can only watch in silence as Minseok turns around and walks out of the convenience store; his friend didn’t even buy anything. Something feels strange, but he can’t pinpoint what it is.

His ramyun has turned soggy by the time he sits down at the table outside the store. The cashier boy brings him his beers as promised, even giving him a free packet of shredded mozzarella that won’t  blend well with the already cooled down tteokbokki now. He thanks the boy nonetheless and proceeds to eat; the night air is going to cool his food down even more if he’s not fast enough.

Eating alone means having to share some of his attention to something else, because if he only focuses on his food, he’s going to finish them in just three minutes and would end up feeling too full since his digestive system gets overwhelmed. Thus he lets his eyes wander around the environment around him; the trees across the street, the lamps, a couple walking at the sidewalk. He’s all alone, but he doesn’t think it’s the sole cause of the loneliness creeping inside him at the moment. He can’t think of anything; he just knows he’s lonely.

Something is missing, has been missing from his life, and he doesn’t know what it is.

“Can I sit here?”

The sudden voice makes him gasp in shock. Baekhyun whips his head towards the source of the voice and finds a tall guy towering over him, holding two bowls of instant food in his hands. “Huh?” he manages to mumble out.

“Can I sit here?” the guy repeats patiently. “Sorry, it’s just that it’s the only table here.”

“Oh, sure.” Baekhyun exhales the shock away. “Sure thing.”

The guy gives him a friendly smile as he settles down on the chair across him. He puts down the bowls; they’re the same brand of the same food. “Well this is awkward.” the guy comments out loud upon seeing the scattered lids on the table. “You like this brand too?”

“It just hits differently.” Baekhyun finds himself saying. “Have I found my soulmate?” he snickers.

“Or have I found mine?” the guy replies without missing a beat.

Baekhyun laughs out loud, not even knowing why he does so. He continues to eat the rest of his food while stealing glances at the guy. Damn he’s hot . He wants to smack himself for thinking that. But he’s damn hot!

The guy, though, doesn’t say or do anything despite obviously noticing that he’s being stared at. The guy just devours his food diligently as if he’s alone in his own house. And it gives Baekhyun a sense of comfort, to know that his presence is welcomed by the stranger.

Something pops up in his mind, and he can’t prevent himself from saying the newfound thoughts out loud. “Have we met before?”

It ultimately makes the guy stop eating and look up at him with his round eyes. “Wow. Is that way of flirting still popular these days?”

“I just feel like I’ve seen you somewhere.”

“Is this still flirting?”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes before chuckling shyly. “If you think it is then it is.”

“Ow.” the guy smirks. Smirks . “I’m flattered.”

“Glad to hear that.”

“Do I flirt back?”

“No, please. God.”

The guy laughs, throwing his head back like a little kid. Baekhyun wonders what’s so funny about the exchange, but he finds that it won’t hurt to be amused like this.

“Chanyeol.” the guy then says when he’s done laughing. “The name’s Chanyeol.”

He nods, looking down onto his almost finished ramyun to hide the smile blooming on his lips. “Baekhyun. Nice to meet you.”

The guy, Chanyeol, returns the greeting with a wide smile. He doesn't romanticize things often, but he has this feeling that the smile means much more than that.

The introduction, though, doesn't take them far enough. They just continue eating and drinking in silence, enjoying the night air and the peacefulness around them; although not without stealing glances at each other every now and then. At some point, Baekhyun purposely stares at Chanyeol as he takes a sip of his beer, and the guy mimics it, smirking after he puts the can down. Baekhyun chuckles spontaneously, and the guy does the same as well. It's awkward and amusing at the same time and Baekhyun thinks he's more than fine with the tickling feeling inside him; it's providing him some warmth.

"Is there something on my face?" The guy speaks, knowing well he's been defeated in their staring contest.

Baekhyun bursts out laughing. "Nothing that needs to be taken off. Everything's perfectly fine in their places."

Chanyeol dude leans back, clicking his tongue. "You're so good at flirting. Wow."

"Technically I'm not." Baekhyun shakes his head, still smiling. "It's just that being in law school makes you a smooth talker."

"Oh, oh, let me guess." Chanyeol guy now leans forward again with eyebrows furrowed together. "You're a lawyer."

Feeling triumphant, Baekhyun waves a hand. "Sorry, I'm a proud prosecutor."

"No!" Chanyeol cries out. "But you have a lawyer face!"

"What does that even mean?"

"You know, the charming kind of face, one that tricks people into agreeing with you."

Baekhyun feigns a shocked gasp. "You're even better at flirting than I am. Are you a lawyer?"

"Ha, nope. I'm just a boring doctor."

"A doctor can't be boring. Come on. Do more flirting. I feel like you have it in you."

"Okay, okay, let me try this one. Ahem." Chanyeol clasps his hands. "Can I take your temperature? Because you look hot."

Baekhyun snorts. "Now I see the boring part."

"Don't give up on me just yet. Another one. You get my heart racing like an epinephrine drip."

"I don't understand."

"Are you my appendix?" Chanyeol smirks. "Cause I have a gut feeling I should take you out."

He almost chokes on his beer. "Okay I'm listening."

"Are you drowning? Because I'm having the urge to give you CPR."

That makes Baekhyun burst into an amused laugh.

"I feel like an ophthalmologist, cause I keep looking into your eyes."

"That means I have an eye disorder!"

Chanyeol titters in response, throwing his head back to contain himself. Baekhyun can’t even help himself from laughing along with the guy. Something might be weird in the air around them, making them light-headed like this. It can’t be from the beer only.

“Now’s your turn.” Chanyeol then announces. “Share me your best pick up line.”

Spontaneously, Baekhyun waves his hand in front of his face. “Oh God , I’m bad at it! You really wouldn’t want to hear my version.”

“I promise I’d laugh out of being polite. Come on!”

“Promise me?” he giggles when Chanyeol puts an arm on his chest as if he’s taking an oath. “Okay, now be ready to cringe.”

But just as he’s about to speak, the phone inside the pocket of his jacket buzzes. He immediately fishes it out and scans the screen; it’s  his mother. “Oops.”

“Duty calls?”

“Nope, it’s just my mom.”

“Maybe you’re expected to be home soon?”

Baekhyun throws an apologetic smile at the guy. “Sorry, but be happy you didn’t get to hear my bad puns.”

“No worries, I can hear them next time.”

“... oh,” he can’t help but smirk, “so there will be a next time?”

“If you want.”

“What if I don’t want a next time?”

He watches as Chanyeol pouts. “I’ll be sad, but you wouldn’t care anyway.”

“Wow, you, you use that face often, don’t you? You’ve snatched many people with that face, haven’t you?” he points at Chanyeol who’s now grinning. “Is this flirting? Is this even allowed?”

“Is it working?”

“It is!”

The guy laughs again. Why were they laughing so much? Are they already so high? “I’m glad then.”

Now they fall into an awkward pause, because Baekhyun still hasn’t moved from his seat, and Chanyeol is still staring back at him with the remnants of his grin. Something in his heart urges him to admit that he doesn’t want to get up and leave just yet; not when he just found someone interesting. But what is this, exactly, that he’s feeling? Attraction? Temporary interest? Infatuation? It can’t be just because the guy is handsome, right? Byun Baekhyun can’t be that ridiculous.

It’s a whole minute after that Chanyeol breaks the ice for them; “should I walk you home?”

And boy, does it make Baekhyun’s breath hitch. “What?” he murmurs. “No, why should you? No, thank you. I mean, thank you, for even thinking so, but no, you don’t have to.”

“Are you sure?” the guy scans him up and down. “You look tipsy.”

Oh, yeah, no wonder why . “Not really. But the alcohol does mess with my body.” he grabs the hem of his shirt and flaps it repeatedly to bring some air to his skin. “And the weather has been hot.”

“It has been, indeed. Are you sure you can go alone?”

“I am. It’s just a short walk, really. Thanks, again, for the offer. I hope we can save it for next time.”

The bubbly feeling re-enters his system when he sees Chanyeol’s smirk. “So there will be next time.”

Baekhyun shakes his head in amusement, then bids Chanyeol bye with a small wave of his hand. However, as he’s about to turn around, something pops in his head and makes him glance at Chanyeol again. “How about,” he ponders for a moment, “how about you give me your phone number instead?”

Well, well, Byun Baekhyun, that was smooth as fuck.

He can’t read the look on Chanyeol’s face at the moment; he starts to regret his action. Maybe it was too bold. Maybe he was too deep in the trance that it made him sure Chanyeol felt the same.What a great way to end the night.

But then Chanyeol reaches out a hand towards him, still with the gentle yet mysterious face. “Give me your phone. I’ll save it for you.”

“Are you going to give me a fake number so I could never reach you again?”

“If I don’t do this I’m afraid you would be the one giving me a fake number instead.”

“Touche.” Baekhyun fishes out his phone and hands it to the tall guy. “How come I didn’t think of that?”

Chanyeol smirks again at him, and Baekhyun starts to think there’s something wrong with the nerves of the guy’s cheeks. After a minute Chanyeol hands him his phone back; there’s ‘Park Chanyeol’ on the screen with a phone number below it. “Try to call it.”

He presses the call button and both of them wait until Chanyeol’s phone rings in his pocket. The guy reaches for it and taps swiftly on its screen. “Baek… hyun.”

“Byun.” he adds. “Byun Baekhyun.”

“Byun Baekhyun.” Chanyeol smiles, a little bit too widely, and he wonders why. “Okay then. See you again, Byun Baekhyun. Good night. Byun Baekhyun.”

He scrunches his face amusedly, a giddy feeling spreading inside him. “See you again, Park Chanyeol.”

===

The giddy feeling greets him the first thing in the morning.

Somehow his mind gets taken back to last night, to the night air, to the bowls of soggy ramyun and spicy tteokbokki, to the cans of cheap beers, to a guy named Park Chanyeol. Baekhyun feels stupid for smiling so wide like this; he wishes his bed could and would swallow him in and suffocate him to knock some sense out of his currently crowded head. Has he gone insane for real?

“Mom!” he calls, voice a little bit too chirpy, when he arrives downstairs. His mother is in the middle of arranging the flowers in the vase on the coffee table, immediately looking up at him. “Sorry I slept in. What’s for lunch?”

His mother takes a moment to answer him, eyes darting towards all over his figure, as if she’s trying to remember who the young man in front of him is. He almost asks her what’s wrong when she finally reacts. “I’ve been thinking of bibimbap.”

“Do we have all the ingredients? I’m going to start chopping.” he zooms past her, towards the kitchen.

“Yeah, you can find them in the fridge.”

“Should we have some soup as well?”

“How about tofu stew?”

Baekhyun gulps in at the thought of the hot broth. “Nice. I’ll do all of them.”

“Oh,” his mother’s now right next to him, “someone’s in a good mood, I see.”

The statement causes a wide smile to spread on his lips, and Baekhyun doesn’t mind that the world can see it.

Chanyeol hasn’t texted him.

The painful, disappointing, heart shattering fact bugs him the whole morning and afternoon. Not even tangerines and a good nap could cast the gloom away from him. His eyes always get back to his phone no matter what he’s doing; it’s there next to the sink, on the carpet of the living room, on the pavement as he squats near the fence to pull out stubborn wild grasses. The heat in the air only boils his head more.

Why isn’t Chanyeol texting him?

“Hey, be careful, you’re bothering the kids.”

Baekhyun frowns at his mother, feeling stupefied for a moment, before he gets what she was talking about. He then eyes the lemon trees in front of him; his mother’s self-claimed children. “Since when did we have them?”

“What do you mean?”

“They weren’t here last night.” he eyes the shorties suspiciously. “Did they grow overnight…”

He doesn’t get an answer from her right away; maybe she couldn’t hear him properly. Shrugging the thoughts away, he continues to get rid of the wild greens on the soil around the lemon trees. The sour feeling returns again. Should he text Chanyeol first? Would that seem too bold? What’s the difference if he texts first?

He grabs another patch of green and pulls it out harshly. He’s so sour he could beat those lemons.

The sourness, however, doesn’t last long in him. It immediately turns into sugar rush the moment his phone rings and the name he has been expecting since the morning appears on the screen.

He holds his breath and counts until ten. Then his index finger swipes the accept button and he grabs the device from the counter top to press it against his ear. “Hello?” it comes out so casual; he’s proud of himself.

“Who is this?” the caller speaks in the low, husky voice that he remembers in detail. “Found this name on my phone’s contact, couldn’t recall the person.”

Baekhyun gulps in the sudden nervous feeling, only to smirk when he finally gets the mischievous tone behind the voice. “If you didn’t know, you should’ve deleted it. The number.”

He hears a heavy sigh. “Was close to doing it, but then I thought, what if the person is cute? Would’ve lost a huge deal.”

“Oh, damn. That was probably the best decision you’ve ever made in your life,” he grins, “Dr. Park.”

“It probably was, Prosecutor Byun.” Chanyeol’s now half laughing. “Did I scare you?”

“You did indeed. For a second there. Mean.”

“This is flirting, though.”

Baekhyun pulls the phone away from his ear and scrunches his face up to channel out the tickling feeling in him. This guy is insane and is making him insane as well. He glues the phone back on him. “Keep it going, then.”

“Instead of doing it on the phone, would you like to listen to it directly from me?”

He balls the fingers of his free hand up to suppress the giddiness. I’m gonna faint. I’m gonna faint! “You want to meet me again already?”

“We’re bound to meet again anyway.”

“How about having some drinks tonight?” Baekhyun spins around in the middle of the kitchen for no reason. “Rhythm & Booze. Do you know the place?”

“Man, I’m a regular there. What time?”

“After dinner. Around nine-ish?”

“Sounds great to me. So. See you there? Or do you still want to talk more?”

He feels silly for having a smile so wide on his face. “Aren’t you supposed to be working?”

“Well, I am,” he hears the rustle of paper in the back, “but, you know, my wrinkly brain was like, hey, Chanyeol, the guy you’ve been thinking about since this morning, why don’t you give him a call? Yeah. It went like that. Blame my brain.”

That’s his last straw; he bursts into loud laughter, shoulders shaking due to the impact. He covers his mouth with his free hand to suppress the bubbly feeling before it could suffocate him for real. “Thank you, Chanyeol’s wrinkly brain. Maybe somehow my own spaghetti brain,” he pauses when Chanyeol chokes out a laugh, “my brain must’ve sent a signal to your brain, like a whole screaming message, telling it to make you call me because I’ve been expecting you to since the morning.”

“Whoa, that sounds possible. I should read some journals about the abilities the human brain possesses. Who knows, maybe I could find some breakthrough and publish it and become famous.”

Baekhyun can actually feel his cheeks starting to hurt from smiling too much. “Then I should hang out with you a lot before you get famous and forget me.”

“But I could never forget you. How could I forget the muse of my research?”

Stop it! Baekhyun stomps on the floor. Stop it before I melt! “See you later, famous Doctor.”

“Wait, I thought we were flirting?”

“As much as I’d love to keep it going, I have some stuff to do before dinner. Can you survive the next few hours before seeing me?”

He hears Chanyeol groan. “I will try my best. Gosh. It’s going to be a torture. But I’ll make it out alive.”

“Silly.” he giggles. “See you later, Chanyeol.”

“See you later, Baekhyun.”

If the furniture and utensils in the kitchen could talk, they would’ve booed Baekhyun for being so awfully smitten like this over his first phone call with some random guy he just met last night.

“I think I have to go back to Seoul as soon as possible.”

He watches as his parents look at each other for a moment before his mother gets back to him. “Is there something urgent there?”

“No, no, it’s just,” Baekhyun halts his spoon mid-air, “I’m sure my work has been piling up. And I don’t want to overuse my break. Don’t want to give wrong ideas to my seniors.”

“But you said they’re fine with it.” his father adds in, voice monotonous.

“Well, I can never be so sure.”

“You’re not here for some mere vacation, son. They were the ones who suggested that you stay away from Seoul for the meantime. You don’t have to feel guilty about this.”

Baekhyun’s head goes blank for a moment, not really comprehending what his mother was talking about, before he figures it out. “I still think they were being paranoid about that .” he chuckles. “South Korea’s law and justice system exist for a reason, after all.”

“They’re being reasonable.” he watches as his father puts his spoon down to properly look at him. “You yourself said, you can never be so sure.”

“Dad, come on, I’m a grown man, I earned black belt in hapkido. People can’t easily just tackle me down and kidnap me-”

“What if they can?”

He almost dropped his spoon due to being shocked by the sudden rise in his father’s voice. His mother is now staring at the old man, eyes wide. Even his father himself looks startled by his own outburst. The silence that follows is deafening and painfully awkward.

“Dad?” he calls out with a small voice.

He can only watch as his father grabs the glass and gulps in all the water inside. “I’m full.” the old man puts the glass back on the table, right next to his unfinished food. “Thank you for the meal.” His eyes are still glued on his father as the old man makes his way towards the short hallway under the staircase that leads to the master bedroom. The door shuts with a soft thud.

What just happened? He turns to his mother, only to find her looking down at her meal. “Mom?”

She looks up and gives him an apologetic smile. “Your Dad must be a little bit stressed about work. Don’t mind him. Anyway, did you say you’re going out after this?”

Leaning back against the chair, Baekhyun takes a moment to himself, not sure what to say for now. His eyes wander around the dining area before they focus on his mother again. “Yeah.”

“All by yourself?”

“I’m meeting a friend there.”

“Jongdae?”

“No. He’s busy. It’s someone I met yesterday.” The thought of meeting Chanyeol in a couple of hours soothes him.

His mother nods slowly. “Will you be late?”

“I don’t know yet. Probably not? But don’t wait up for me.”

“Alright. Just be careful out there, okay?”

He scoops the food to clean his plate and eats it. He keeps chewing as he stands up and starts picking up the empty dishes on the dining table, while his mother also finishes her meal and does the same. They work around the kitchen in silence, letting the sound of water and the clinking of utensils fill the air for them. Baekhyun is somehow sure that his mother is also thinking about his father, about what happened earlier, but he doesn’t have the energy to confront her about it. It was a little bit out of the ordinary for his usually cool and collected father.

But maybe, as how some things are meant to be treated, this one should not be thought of too far. This could be one of those problems that everyone doesn’t address until it’s forgotten for the sake of peace in the house.

===

The band is playing another slow indie rock song when he steps into the bar, dim yellow-ish lights greeting him like an old friend he can’t really recall. Baekhyun saunters across the room towards the counter, hoping that his favorite seat is not taken yet, because he’d like to have a date on the best spot in the whole place. Is this even a date? He’s not sure yet but he certainly hopes it’s not just a mere drinking session.

To his surprise, Chanyeol is already there on the stool, and it just happens to be right next to his favorite seat. The coincidence is thrilling; it makes him think that the universe really has arranged their paths to cross each other in such an interesting way.

He quietly makes his way to the stool, hoping Chanyeol won’t notice his arrival just yet. He  notices the drink in the glass on the counter’s surface and immediately gestures at it when the bartender comes in. “I’ll have what he’s drinking.”

It makes Chanyeol look up at the speed of light, eyes widening in mirth when they catch each other’s gaze. Baekhyun greets the guy with a triumphant smirk but doesn’t keep it for more than five seconds because he bursts into laughter right away. “Whoa, isn’t this illegal?” Chanyeol then says.

“What?”

“Making someone’s heart skip a beat.”

There it is, the tickling feeling that attacks him whenever Chanyeol does his deed; he marvels at how Chanyeol delivers those corny lines ever so casually, like he’s used to it, yet still manages to look shy at the same time. “Only if it endangers one’s life.”

“What if that person dies? Let’s say, the smile is too bright, it makes the person’s heart stop entirely.”

“Well, it could pass as first degree murder. I’ll look into it thoroughly.”

Chanyeol chuckles, patting the cushion of the stool next to him. “I’d rather you look at me instead.”

My, oh my, smoother than cheese spread. He gleefully takes the seat; it’s his favorite after all. “Did you wait for long? I literally sprinted out of the house after washing the dishes.”

“Not really, I guess? I was just a little bit early. I even went home after my shift to wash up and change clothes. Wait,” Chanyeol tilts his head, “were you that eager to meet me?”

“Huh?”

“You said you sprinted out of your house right away to come here.”

Baekhyun gives the guy his sweet smile. “I’m not the one who arrived first, though.”

To that, Chanyeol raises his glass, and Baekhyun starts to think that he’s overly glorifying Chanyeol’s existence, but there’s no way his breath won’t hitch at the way the guy looks at him.

His drink, which he had ordered blindly because Chanyeol is drinking it, turns out to be beer, although not the kind of cheap beer they drank yesterday to compliment the spicy food. The heat kicks in slowly with this kind of beer and the build up is much controlled yet impactful. Baekhyun knows this well, because he was a loyal bar and club person who dedicated his weekends to the grace of the laser lights and beer was his constant companion. Sometimes Jongdae would be there, seldom with Minseok tagging along, most of the times he was there all by himself, and half of those times he’d be talking to or ‘dancing’ with random people. One fourth of those occasions, he’d go to the other party’s place and spend the night. He’d always walk out of the place the moment he opened his eyes the next morning.

That wasn’t a healthy way to spend his weekends, but healthy has been a luxury for his fast-paced life in Seoul, completed with his ever so demanding job. That’s why when he came back to Bucheon for a short vacation, he promised himself he’d do the most basic, mundane things at home, and so far he’s been great at it; helping his mother with the house chores and giving his father a hand in fixing some things around the house.

However, he still ends up at a bar, with a glass of beer in his hands. At least his favorite stool is still here, and he’s got a person he genuinely likes as a company.

“No shit, you’re also a ‘92 liner? We’re literally same aged dudes? What were the odds??”

And his company for the night has been keeping him engaged in conversations about the most random things, little facts after little facts, fun trivias after fun trivias. Chanyeol has been working in Bucheon for four years, being an ER doctor in one of the hospitals. Chanyeol’s parents are in Seoul, his sister is in Tokyo with her own little family. Chanyeol loves indie music. Chanyeol doesn’t mention his love life, as in it seems like he doesn’t even consider it a topic, and Baekhyun doesn’t like to probe; there’s no ring on his hands, his phone stays in his pocket the entire time, the bartender comments about how nice it is to see him drinking with someone else, and it’s enough for Baekhyun to deduct that the guy, indeed, has no  one special expecting any news from him.

“So you’re currently on a… short vacation? A break? Some sort of that. That’s cool.”

“Yeah.” Baekhyun takes a little sip of his beer. “Although I’m planning to go back to work again.”

Chanyeol nods slowly. “It was very nice of your seniors to give you a break when you asked. I mean, considering your work line.”

He can’t prevent the dry chuckle from coming out of him. “They just let me do it because they felt bad.”

“For what?”

“For getting me into trouble.” He takes Chanyeol’s silence as a sign for him to keep going. “They assigned me to this huge case and I ended up having the defendant threatening to come after my ass.”

Now he half regrets ever bringing the topic up, because Chanyeol’s looking at him with this serious, tense face. “You can tell me what happened if you feel like it.” the guy says, and somehow the tenderness and cautiousness in his voice melts him.

“Well, there’s nothing much to explain, but thanks for willing to listen.” he gives Chanyeol a warm smile to assure the guy that it’s nothing to worry about. “Basically, the defendant was an asshole, but a filthy rich asshole. I’m not going to tell you what he did since it’s… confidential, but well, he did something very bad that made me want to kick him in the balls.” he pauses to bask in Chanyeol’s soft chuckles. “And you know, those rich people with their tricks, there was so little evidence that could prove he was guilty. A top senior prosecutor took the case, and of course he needed a junior to help him gather and analyze stuff, but no one was brave enough to be on his team because the defendant had some sort of connection with the Blue House. Aside from that top senior, everyone else didn’t want to risk their job and lives.”

“This is starting to sound like a TV soap drama.”

“I know right? You should’ve witnessed all of them firsthand. You’d enjoy it very much.” he laughs. “And then, well, not that I’m self proclaiming, but I was kind of known for being reckless. It’s just that I never really paid attention to unnecessary manners and politics in my work field. I think those two things would jeopardize my professional skepticism as a prosecutor if I take them too seriously like a bible. Honestly I just wanted to do my job right, but apparently they saw me as being stupidly daring. So of course they sacrificed me to be in the case. They must’ve thought I’d be fine with doing the dirty job in collecting evidence since that was what we needed to do with the case, and they could always make my senior take responsibility for my doings. So yeah, they made sure I resulted in dirty versus dirty.”

“And you did it.”

“And I did it. I took drastic measures to gather evidence. And it worked. We were able to push through with what we found, and we got his stinky ass jailed… why are you laughing?” he asks despite starting to snort himself; Chanyeol’s laughter is that infectious. “What’s so funny?”

“I hope you didn’t use those vulgar words in court.”

“Of course I didn’t! I’m a professional.” Baekhyun lifts his chin up, only to ponder for a moment. “Or maybe I have called him stinky ass once…”

Chanyeol chokes on his own. Baekhyun swigs a mouthful of his beer with relish.

“What about you, though?” he asks Chanyeol once they’ve calmed themselves down. “You’re taking residency soon, right?”

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“What do you have in mind? Surgeon?”

The guy glances at him. “Whoa, how did you know?”

“I was guessing.” Baekhyun smirks. “But now you see how connected we are.”

“I am touched. Wow. But yeah, I want to be a surgeon.”

“It’s pretty demanding, isn’t it? My brother is a surgeon as well. He had it bad in the first years, but now he can manage work and family.”

“It is demanding indeed. But I spent my internship observing everything,” Chanyeol stares at his drink for a moment, “and I found that I could picture myself being a surgeon.”

Baekhyun finds himself nodding, lost in the tenderness of Chanyeol’s low voice. “I could picture you being one too.”

Then Chanyeol shares a warm smile, and Baekhyun wonders how the hell did he live for 27 years without ever seeing it.

It’s eleven in the evening, they’re both a little bit yet still noticeably tipsy from bottles of beer they downed, and somehow they just don’t feel like they’ve stared into each other’s faces enough, so Baekhyun immediately agrees when Chanyeol offers to walk him home.

“It’s a short walk, don’t worry.” Baekhyun says with a sheepish grin as they make their way down the pavement. They’re walking rather slowly, it’s going to take at least half an hour for them to reach his house with this pace, but he doesn’t say a thing about it. Not when Chanyeol’s presence next to him is so huge that it shields him from the cold night air.

“Honestly? I feel like I can do a long walk as well.”

“Someone’s looking excited.”

“I don’t even know why.”

Baekhyun giggles. “I just hope you’re not making someone wait at home.” There, he has shot his shot.

“Oh…” Chanyeol gets quiet for a moment, making nervousness start to grow in him, “my dogs. They’re waiting for me. Poor boys.”

“Dogs?” he unknowingly steps closer to Chanyeol’s side. “You have dogs??”

“A welsh corgi and a samoyed.”

“A welsh corgi ? And a samoyed? What are their names?”

“The corgi is Kyoong, the samoyed is Loey.”

“Kyoong and Loey.” he repeats the names properly. “Kyoong and Loey.”

“Do you want to see their pictures?”

Chanyeol has a folder for the pictures of his dogs. Baekhyun’s now holding the guy’s phone, swiping and swiping and cooing at every image. He tells Chanyeol about his own corgi named Mongryong who’s now in his brother’s care and about how he’d love to make Mongryong and Kyoong play together one day. They spend the rest of their walk like that; Baekhyun, staring at the phone while stealing glances at Chanyeol, and Chanyeol, catching Baekhyun doing so each time without failing to reply with a smile. His shoulder would brush against Chanyeol’s arm accidentally, and Chanyeol would put the space between them back, but it’s never too far that he can’t feel the warmth radiating from him. It’s somehow a silent walk, but Baekhyun would like to believe that it’s not only his heart that is hammering inside its ribcage right now.

They finally arrive in front of his house, standing awkwardly before the gates. Baekhyun hands the phone back to Chanyeol who takes his time to reach out and grab the device. It’s painfully obvious that they’re trying to buy more seconds and minutes, forcing everything to be in slow motion. Warmth fills his chest when he realizes that Chanyeol is reciprocating the yearning he feels.

“It’s late.” he murmurs out, observing the guy’s face closely.

“It’s late.”

“You should be going.”

“I should be going.”

“Are you…” Baekhyun exhales out the slight dizziness, “going now?”

Chanyeol glances around. “Should I be?”

Fire alarm goes off in his head upon the sight of Chanyeol’s smile; it’s not even that wide, it looks rather gentle, but it lights up his face and makes it somehow a million times better if that’s even possible. How did God shape Park Chanyeol? What kind of tools did He use? What chemicals did He pour into the bowl of Chanyeol’s essence? “Whoa, Doc,” he unknowingly whispers, “I think I’m sick.”

Round, starry eyes blink back at him. “Sick?”

Baekhyun nods. “Something’s wrong with my chest. Maybe my lungs. Definitely my lungs.”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“I don’t know. I just… you see, Doc, I keep losing my breath. Ever since I met you.”

The guy in front of him looks disoriented for a moment before exhaling deeply, laughter bubbling from his lips. “Oh my. This should be illegal.” Chanyeol presses a hand against his own chest. “Can’t believe a law person is doing illegal things.”

“The more we know the law, the more we know how to break it.”

“Is that why you’re doing this to me? Because you know how to get away after murdering me with your smile?”

“Oh I know how to get away indeed; I just don’t want to.”

Now they’re laughing again - they’ve been laughing the entire night - and Baekhyun now realizes the space between them has decreased noticeably. He can finally feel the warmth radiating from Chanyeol’s body again. “Is this the moment we stare at each other awkwardly?” he muses.

Chanyeol tilts his head. “I don’t mind feeling awkward. As long as I can stare at you.”

His shoulders lift up spontaneously due to the tickling feeling exploding inside him. Baekhyun spins around, hoping that the motion would clear his mind, but it won’t be possible when Chanyeol’s laughter is ringing inside his head, like church bells calling for him. What is this feeling? What is this bubbly feeling inside him, threatening to make him explode? Could it be just pure physical attraction? Or could it be the start of something good?

When he stops, the sole of his sneakers scratching against the pavement, he’s faced with the perfectly lined lemon trees in front of the fence of his house. Apparently the short trees have been watching them being silly with each other; are the trees judging him now?

“Members of the jury!” Baekhyun suddenly shouts, the index finger of his right hand pointing at the trees. “I am standing here to give my conclusion! The defense side might claim that the defendant, the glorious and smiley Park Chanyeol…”

When he glances at Chanyeol, the guy is indeed smiling amusedly at him, hands crossed against his chest.

“The defense might claim that Park Chanyeol was oblivious the whole time he was engaged in many encounters with victim Byun Baekhyun. Poor victim Byun Baekhyun! However, we will establish that the defendant indeed planned beforehand to make the victim fall for him ever since the victim stepped foot on this town! In summary, this is officially first degree courting.” Baekhyun then faces the tall bonsai tree near the front gate. “I rest my case, Your Honor.” he bows slightly.

He then hears Chanyeol clapping his hands loudly, face scrunched up in hilarity. Baekhyun feels proud of himself for making Chanyeol that hyped; he’s willing to be tipsy every night if it means he could be Chanyeol’s source of entertainment.

“Mr. Byun? I’m so sorry to break it to you like this,” Chanyeol tries to break away from his laughing fit, “but you’ve been diagnosed with a severe condition.”

“Oh my, what is it, Doc?”

When Chanyeol grins widely, Baekhyun knows their antennas have connected to each other completely.

“Acute adorableness.”

“Hello there, dickwad!”

“It’s still 8 in the morning, Byun Baekhyun.”

“And what about it?” Baekhyun pouts. “You don’t want to talk to me anymore?”

“Dude, I’m kind of occupied here.”

“What are you so busy with? Taking care of Minseok’s morning wood?” he rolls his eyes. “Hey, wait, I met Minseok a few days ago. He said you were sick? Are you alright now?”

There’s a moment of silence from the other side of the call. “A few days ago?”

“Yeap. Two days ago, if I’m not wrong. In the convenience store. The same day I met a guy whom I ended up flirting a lot with but let’s save it for later.”

“A guy…?”

“He’s damn hot. And funny. He’s a doctor. Wait, why do I feel like I’m reporting something to you? Anyway yeah I’ve been flirting with him since the night we met.”

“And you like him?”

Baekhyun blushes like a fool at the sudden question. “It’s only been a few days…”

“Does this guy have a name?”

“Chanyeol. Park Chanyeol. He just happened to frequent our favorite local bar, can you believe?”

“You should be careful with strangers, Baekhyun.” Jongdae’s voice sounds a little bit stern, like his best friend is trying his best to stay casual while feeling bothered inside. “People nowadays are so crazy.”

“Don’t worry, you’re talking to a prosecutor. Being skeptical of people in general is in my nature.” he stretches out his legs over the armrest of the loveseat in the living room he’s been sprawled on since an hour ago. “I’ve been having a great time with him, though.”

“Define a great time.”

Baekhyun closes his eyes, a soft smile spreading on his lips. “We laughed a lot. He makes laughing feel so easy.”

He makes falling for someone seem so easy .

His mother is pouring cake batter into an oven pan while he’s cutting more and more strawberries; she said she’s been wanting to make his favorite strawberry cake ever since he came home. Today is rather cooler than the usual Summer days, and he thinks it’s perfect for a lunch date; he should take Chanyeol to lunch soon if the doctor is free. He feels like Chanyeol would like naengmyun.

Chanyeol again, Chanyeol again. Even as he’s dumping all the strawberry dice into the mixing pan, he thinks of Chanyeol again.

“Are you going out again tonight?”

“Yeah. With the same guy I went out with last night.”

“Seems like both of you have become friends already.”

Maybe even more than that . “He’s kind and funny. I mean, not in that corny funny way. His humor matches mine.”

“Sounds like a nice guy.”

He beams at the comment. “He is.”

His mother doesn’t say anything else, only focused on setting the temperature and time on the oven. Somehow his mind gets taken to the moment he had encountered this morning. “Mom,” he calls out of the blue, “is Dad mad at me?”

“What do you mean?” his mother asks with a chuckle, as if she didn’t just freeze for a second because of the question.

“I woke up right before he was leaving, and I immediately went downstairs to send him off, and he just…” he frowns at the bowl of strawberries in front of him, “he just stared at me with this scary look.”

His father had stared at him for a moment, eyebrows furrowed slightly, eyes dim and unreadable. It was as if the old man wanted to say something to him, but it was held back not to ruin the morning. Then his father softened down and gave him a small wave before leaving the house.

“He really did that?” his mother finally faces him now that the oven has started baking. “Maybe he was still grumpy from sleep. You got that from him.”

Baekhyun hands her the bowl of strawberries so she could mash them, thinking back to this morning. Could it have been the case? Maybe he’s overthinking again. He’s been overthinking these days, and thankfully Chanyeol was there as a distraction.

Something doesn’t feel right lately, but he thinks it wouldn’t hurt to ignore them for a while, especially with a whole Park Chanyeol around.

===

Tonight is Party Night at the bar, and just with even dimmer lightings and colorful laser lights, the bar has turned into a nightclub. There’s a makeshift stage at the corner of the room for the DJ to station themselves, while the dining tables in the middle of the floor have been put aside to make room for people to dance.

It’s loud, the techno music is hammering against his chest and eardrums, and Baekhyun is a little bit upset that he can’t talk to Chanyeol freely. But the sour feeling dissipates almost immediately the moment Chanyeol tugs at his arm, suggesting that they should join the others on the dance floor. He doesn’t need to be persuaded twice; he hops off of the stool right away and lets Chanyeol lead him across the crowd, a bottle of beer in each of their free hands.

He’s used to this, blending himself in the sea of people, picking up the rhythm and going along with it. Some nights he let himself loose in the subtle moves, other nights he just wander around aimlessly with a still yet somehow troubled heart. Tonight, though, he’s with someone he really likes, and it gives him a new sensation, new kind of excitement. He’s not going to dance alone, and he won’t have to wander around all by himself because he’s got someone to stay on the same spot with. And the person is right in front of him, taking a sip of his beer while glancing around at the people, seemingly scanning the environment for potential threats. Look at me , Baekhyun counts the seconds that go by while he waits. Look at me!

The scanning is over quickly, and Chanyeol drops his gaze on him. Finally!

Chanyeol’s eyes have this kind of gravitational pull; they always make his own gaze stuck on them. Unlike their previous encounter which were filled with laughter and witty exchanges, this time, they let the music be loud for them as they only keep their attention at each other. Eventually they reduce the already so little distance between them, inching closer and closer, as they start to sway left and right to the booming beat; the tempo is slower this time. Something is afire inside him, something familiar yet entirely new at the same time. He didn’t think he’d feel it this soon because it would be a whole different story to feel it with Chanyeol than with those random guys he had nights with before. If he feels this kind of burn with Chanyeol, then it means the guy is not just a fleeting interest anymore.

The desire. He feels the desire for Chanyeol. The desire that started from his heart and extended to his body. After this, he’s not going to be able to think of and look at Chanyeol the same again.

And the worst, agonizing part of this is to wonder if Chanyeol feels the same as well.

The sight of Chanyeol’s face becomes overwhelming for him out of sudden. The round eyes seem to be boring holes into his soul now, reading him from his prologue to his current chapter, decoding him ever so easily. What is Chanyeol thinking at the moment? Is the guy finally reconsidering pursuing this whole relationship with him? Is everything finally starting to seem like a bad idea?

Finally giving up, Baekhyun drops his gaze down onto the floor beneath them. Shame creeps on the back of his neck; has the alcohol messed up with him this badly? He shifts to his side, trying to hide his face, not to let Chanyeol read more of him.

But then he feels a hand resting on his shoulder, gripping gently yet firmly, and the touch ignites something he’s been trying to hide. Slowly, Chanyeol pulls him closer, spinning his body around in the process; he ends up facing the crowd while his back is flush against Chanyeol’s chest. Chanyeol’s breath is hot, like a burning flame, on the skin of his neck. The guy secures his position by gently gripping on the left side of his hip. What is happening? He can’t process it with his currently hazy head.

“Are you okay?” Chanyeol asks after the painful wordless interaction.

“I suppose.”

“Still want to dance?”

“Yeah. We can just, you know, sway left and right awkwardly.”

Chanyeol’s laughter causes a vibration that travels right into his core. “I do awkward best.”

They’re not exactly swaying, more of slightly moving to the beat, and Baekhyun wonders if it’s the beer that causes the heat in him or if it’s the way Chanyeol presses more against his back instead. Chanyeol makes a comment with a low voice about the tacky looking leopard print jacket a guy in front of them wears and it makes Baekhyun choke on his own chuckle. Sip after sip, Baekhyun finds himself resting the back of his head against Chanyeol, feeling the line of the latter’s collarbone. He still doesn’t know what’s happening, but he knows he likes it.

“Ow.” he stares at the now empty bottle in his hand. “Ran out of fuel.”

“Let’s get more.” Chanyeol tugs at him.

“Or,” he spins around and takes the bottle from Chanyeol’s hand, “I’ll get it for us.”

To his surprise, there’s a change in Chanyeol’s face, seemingly looking alert of something. “I think I should go with you.”

“Why? Scared I’ll leave you? Don’t you trust me?” he pouts.

Chanyeol’s gaze softens. “It’s everyone else around you that I don’t trust.”

He doesn’t know what to feel about the statement. Should he be flattered? Should he be creeped out by the sudden protectiveness? Nevertheless, he appreciates the concern. “No one’s going to steal me. I’ll be super quick.”

Not waiting for Chanyeol’s answer anymore, he immediately spins around and makes his way towards the bar counter. Chanyeol’s words start to echo in his head; what was that guy so worried about? The visitors of this bar are the locals, living not too far from this place. No one would ever dare to do something funny because almost everyone knows each other.

In the middle of thinking, he accidentally trips on his own feet.

He doesn’t even have the time to realize what’s going on; one moment and he’s already on the floor, knees hitting the tiles, his free hand hurting from catching his weight. Thankfully the bottles are safe. His ears catch the voice of someone asking if he’s alright, and seconds after, he’s grabbed from behind by the shoulders and pulled up.

And that’s when all of the sounds leave his ears, head blanking out.

Flashes of warm white are attacking his vision, blocking him from seeing the actual view in front of him. Slowly, faint noise starts to echo, and his head buzzes as the aftermath.

‘ Got you, little shit. ’

‘ What should I do to you? ’

He can’t feel anything. It’s like he’s frozen, stuck on the ground and left there to rot. He’s not even sure that he’s still breathing. What is happening to him?

‘ Is this the right kid? ’

‘ Yes. I’ll always recognize this fucker everywhere. How have you been, Byun Baekhyun? ’

‘ Byun Baekhyun? ’

‘ Baekhyun… ’

“Baekhyun!”

Everything is snapped away in an instant. He finally gets his senses back, and the first person he sees after the trance is no other than Chanyeol.

Chanyeol. Park Chanyeol.

Thank God.

“Baekhyun, can you hear me?” Chanyeol asks, looking so calm and collected, as if he does this everyday. Maybe that’s true. He’s a doctor after all.

He immediately nods when he remembers he still had to do it. He nods again, and again, until Chanyeol nods back at him, acknowledging that he’s fine.

“Can you stand up?” he nods. “Can you walk?” he nods again. “Let’s get you some water.” he nods and nods and nods. That’s all he can do at the moment.

He walks with wobbly legs and Chanyeol’s support, listening to Chanyeol apologizing repeatedly to the bystanders who have been watching the whole ordeal. What did he do? Somehow they make it to the bar and Chanyeol helps him sit on a stool. What did he do?

“What did I do?” he finally lets it out in a whisper.

“Nothing. But you… fell on the floor.” Chanyeol sounds hesitant, he wonders why. “A guy tried to help you stand up again. Maybe it shocked you, and you pushed him away. I arrived just in time and calmed you down. That was all.”

It feels like that was not all that happened, but Baekhyun doesn’t have the energy nor the will to probe more. His head is already in pain at the moment. “Thank you.”

What were those voices he heard back there? He couldn’t recall anyone who sounded like that. But they were calling his names for a few times until the strange voice was replaced with Chanyeol’s. Why did he even fall into a trance like that? For a moment, it felt like he was sucked into a nightmare, as if his consciousness left him.

Just what, the hell , happened back there?

“Do you want to meet my dogs?”

He’s stunned for a moment, trying to comprehend Chanyeol’s random question. He turns to his side and looks up at Chanyeol; the guy seems serious. It could be that Chanyeol chose the wrong timing to ask him that, but it could also be that Chanyeol purposely asked that to distract him from the thunders that are currently raging inside him.

Let’s get you out of here , Chanyeol’s eyes seem to be saying.

If it’s true, then whoa , how could someone so considerate exist in this world?

“I do.” he breathes out. “Let’s see your dogs.”

Chanyeol nods at him assuringly. “Let’s see my dogs.”

===

“So this possessed little guy here is Kyoong, and that chill guy sleeping near the window is Loey.”

Baekhyun’s heart almost bursts from joy over the way the corgi instantly leaps into Chanyeol’s arms the moment it sees them, as if it’s been waiting impatiently for him to return home. The corgi boops its nose aggressively against Chanyeol’s chin and sniffs for a moment before ending up snuggling its head on Chanyeol’s shoulder. “He looks overprotective.”

“Well, not his fault that he’s got a cool man as his human.”

“Ouch.” Baekhyun narrows his eyes at Chanyeol before snorting amusedly. He then walks towards the white samoyed sleeping peacefully at the corner of the living room, right under the grey curtain. “He’s so fluffy.” he comments, hands already reaching out to run his fingers through the soft long fur once he arrives right next to the dog. “How old are they?”

“Kyoong is one year and seven months old now. While Loey,” Chanyeol also sits down on the floor, “I’m still not sure. I found him in an alley at the back of the convenience store we met at, covered in dirt and bruises, even several cuts. The vet assumed he was at least three years old, so since I found him last year, he would be four now.”

He stops carding his fingers through the samoyed’s fur, heart breaking out of sudden because of the saddening explanation. “Glad you found him.”

“Glad I found him.” Chanyeol nods. “He’s such a chill dog. Unlike this little demon descendant.” Chanyeol sighs heavily while Kyoong spins on his lap like a broken robot. “He always helps me calm this one down.”

He can’t help but laugh at the sight in front of him; the ever so calm Chanyeol with the hyperactive Kyoong in his hold. Then he realizes that he might have laughed too loudly, because he feels the samoyed suddenly jerking awake under his hand which he retracts back out in shock. “I woke him up.” he whispers regretfully.

“It’s alright, he falls back to sleep easily.”

Loey blinks its eyes disorientedly for a moment before whipping its head up to find him. To Baekhyun's surprise, the samoyed quickly gets up from its spot and swiftly jumps right into his lap, settling down as if it has done it for so many times already. Ears twitching slightly, the samoyed calmly stares up at him with its round black eyes.

“Oh, he’s waiting to be petted.”

Baekhyun doesn’t waste another second to caress the dog’s head affectionately, making the samoyed’s eyes flutter close in satisfaction. He gasps when the dog raises one of its front legs. “What… what does he want?”

“To touch your head.” Chanyeol says amusedly.

Feeling amazed, Baekhyun lowers his head for the samoyed to put its paw on. The dog taps the crown of his head for a few times before retracting its leg again. This time, as Baekhyun straightens his back again, the dog puts both of his front legs on his shoulders.

“Are you for real?” Baekhyun whispers at the still silent dog.

“He wants to hug you.”

“Hug me?”

“It must’ve sensed that you’re upset.”

Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol in disbelief. Chanyeol, in reply, only encourages him to give in to the dog’s wish. Thus he turns to the dog again and gathers it into his arms, closing his eyes to bask in the warmth and softness of its fur. This dog must’ve come from some magical land.

Without him knowing, tears start to pool on the corner of his eyes. “Good boy.” he whispers, caressing the dog’s head. Just how upset he is that a hug from a dog already makes him so emotional like this?

Almost half an hour later, both dogs are settled on their own beds. Baekhyun almost cried when he had to move Loey out of his lap because he needed to get up to prevent his legs from going numb but he didn’t want to let the warm, fluffy white ball go. On the other hand, Chanyeol looks relieved that he got to put Kyoong to sleep that fast. Now they’re watching the dogs in silence as if they’re admiring their masterpieces.

“I think I’ll get a dog too once I go back to Seoul.” Baekhyun murmurs. “But I don’t think I’ll ever meet a dog as amazing as Loey.”

“You’re going back to Seoul?”

If only he was brave enough, he would’ve noted that there was a tinge of disappointment in Chanyeol’s voice. “Well, work can’t wait forever.”

“When will you leave?”

“Haven’t decided about that yet. Maybe in a few days? As soon as possible, nonetheless.”

Silence fills in for their loss of words, and Baekhyun starts to regret ever bringing the topic up. He must’ve sounded like a jerk; that, if their interactions for the past couple of days meant something to Chanyeol they way it does to him. Why did he have to start something like this if he’s going to leave in the end?

But him going back to Seoul shouldn’t mean that they’d never see each other again, right? Technology has advanced so much for them, they could chat everyday through messenger applications, maybe Chanyeol has an Instagram account he could follow, or heck, he’d even be willing to communicate with Chanyeol through emails.

“So in the end I’m just your summer fling.”

Baekhyun’s heart skips a beat at the sentence. Chanyeol moves from his spot, passing him by as he makes his way across the living room, towards the huge fridge near the kitchen bar. He watches as Chanyeol opens the fridge and takes out two cans of drink with one hand. Are those beers?

He can only find his words back when Chanyeol is in front of him again, handing him a can. He gratefully takes it and opens the tab. “Is this a summer fling between us?” he asks instead before taking a sip; the liquid burns his throat for a moment.

“What do you think it is?” Chanyeol counters almost immediately.

What does he think about the thing that has been growing between them? Baekhyun doesn’t dare to be cocky and call it romance; they’ve only known each other for a few days after all. But he can’t deny the strong attraction he’s been feeling for the man in front of him, be it physical or emotional. It’s like he’s found someone who connects to him almost fully, almost immediately, and as much as it’s been amazing, it also has been scary for him. He still doesn’t know who Park Chanyeol really is, and the rational side of his head has been battling against his heart for the dominance over him, wanting to warn him that people are not to be trusted this fast. Skepticism is the best to be practiced in every aspect of life.

But then, Byun Baekhyun has been known as the reckless guy who won’t mind getting in trouble if that’s what it takes to finish the job, and maybe he could be reckless with Park Chanyeol.

“I don’t want us to be just a summer fling.” he finally says, when they’re only a few inches apart and he could smell the beer from Chanyeol’s breath. “I’d like you to be my whole year fling. And the years after, if it’s possible.”

Chanyeol is still at the moment, so still that Baekhyun thought he was frozen. But then the guy puts his can of beer on the coffee table near them. “Be careful.” Chanyeol tells him in a low voice. “Don’t say those things to someone so easily like that.”

“It’s alright, it doesn’t bear any litigation risk.”

“But my heart is at risk. I was never kidding when I said you’re endangering my heart.”

“And just how am I doing it, exactly?”

“You’re making it…” Chanyeol exhales heavily, “hopeful.”

Baekhyun tries with all his might to read the light in Chanyeol’s eyes, but he just can’t see past the veils that cover the guy in front of him. What is Chanyeol’s deal, honestly? Why does he keep saying things that only make him more insane? “Hopeful of what?” he asks in a low whisper.

Chanyeol takes his sweet, sweet time to answer.

“Of turning this into something more.”

Correct answer. One hundred points for Dr. Park. “And what if it turns into something more?”

“I…” Chanyeol’s gaze shifts downwards, leaving his, “I shouldn’t be doing that.”

He wants to ask why, to question the vivid hesitation in Chanyeol’s voice, but the alcohol has kicked in and made his already so daring head even more daring. Why shouldn’t Chanyeol be doing that? Doing what, exactly? Falling in love with him? Why shouldn’t Chanyeol fall in love with him? What’s so wrong about him? “What’s so wrong about me?”

“What… do you mean?”

“Why shouldn’t we be something more than this? What’s wrong about it? Is it me? Am I the wrong person? You don’t want me?”

“You -” Chanyeol takes a step forward, decreasing the already so little distance between them, face turning darker, “you don’t know… how much I want you.”

He finds himself nodding slowly. “I don’t.” he agrees. “You won’t show me.”

Finally he starts to see the cracks in Chanyeol’s defense wall. Of course, Park Chanyeol is a human too, he must be feeling at least similar things that he does. It’s all in their nature. One can’t ignite fire alone.

However, Chanyeol is still persistent with his stance. “No.” he murmurs, seemingly more to himself.

And that’s Baekhyun’s last straw. He gulps in the rest of the liquid in the can, up to the last droplet, and slams the can on the coffee table. “Park Chanyeol.” he calls, finally getting the guy’s full attention again. “Here. Let me tell you something.”

“I’m already in front of you.”

“You’ve gotta listen to it properly. Come here.”

Chanyeol complies to his demand, leaning down to match his eye level; he’s at least ten centimeters shorter than the guy. When Chanyeol offers his left ear to hear what he’s got to say, Baekhyun cups Chanyeol’s face with his both hands so he could lead the guy towards him, and with one swift pull, he presses his lips against Chanyeol’s.

Now it’s exciting.

As his hazy head’s expectation, Chanyeol doesn’t pull away. The guy does freeze for a moment, but when he coaxes him by moving his lips chastily, Chanyeol finally reacts. No tongue involved yet; they’re gauging how far they want to go from this. His head screams bingo! when he feels Chanyeol’s hand creeping on his back, right down his spine, pulling him even closer until their fronts are flush against each other. And just what was Chanyeol saying moments ago? They shouldn’t be doing this? Ha, what a joke.

It catches him off guard when Chanyeol tilts his head and dips his tongue into his mouth with a gentle, almost shy greeting. He lets him in, of course he lets him in. He circles his arms around Chanyeol’s neck so he could pull him closer, and they’re on the brink of losing their balance on the floor, and that’s when Baekhyun thinks that this should be taken somewhere else, where they could fall safely without hurting a limb. But the idea can wait. For now he’s occupied with exploring Chanyeol’s cavern.

Eventually they have to part to catch their breaths, and Baekhyun can finally see what he had done to Chanyeol; red swollen lips, heavy breathing, dilated pupils. He bets he’s the same case as well. Chanyeol is still leaning down awkwardly, much to his ease since he doesn’t have to tiptoe. “Don’t you think,” he croaks out, “don’t you think we should be doing this somewhere else?”

Chanyeol’s gaze on him is enchanting. “Can you walk backwards?”

“Why?”

“I don’t think I can take my eyes off you.”

You smooth fucker . “Then lead me.”

Baekhyun can’t even be bothered to at least glance at his surroundings, to look at the place Chanyeol lives in, because it feels like a sin to unlock their gaze and leave Chanyeol’s eyes. He lets Chanyeol lead him all the way to the bedroom, or that’s what he’s finally sure of when the back of his knees hit the edge of something soft. He falls with a bounce on the mattress and immediately scoots backwards to make space for Chanyeol to climb on. When his back is stuck against the cushioned headboard, with pillows being pressed under his bum, he opens his arms and impatiently waits for Chanyeol to catch up with him. “You’re taking so long.” he grunts.

“Sorry.” Chanyeol chuckles right before swiping him into another deep kiss, heads rocking back and forth. His hand is now all over Chanyeol’s hair, raking, sweeping, tugging, while Chanyeol’s hands slip underneath his t-shirt and grip on his waist. He wants to laugh upon recalling the way Chanyeol seemed so painfully confused with what he wanted just moments ago. If they knew this is how things would be, they would have spared themselves from that awkward conversation.

His t-shirt eventually gets lifted up, and he regretfully lets Chanyeol’s lips go to make space for the clothing to slide up and off him. He lifts his arms up to shrug the t-shirt off then reaches down to start unbuttoning Chanyeol’s crisp looking dress shirt; do doctors always dress this neat? Chanyeol helps him with the buttons and lets him take the liberty to slide it off his shoulders and arms. Goddamn, you’re built .

“Are you sure about this?” Chanyeol asks out of the blue.

Baekhyun frowns. “You literally undressed me first and you still ask if I’m sure about this?”

“Confirmation is necessary even when my knowledge is enough for me to make valid assumptions.”

“Doc, just shut up and kiss me .”

Chanyeol still has the audacity to laugh out loud, throwing his head back like a little kid, and Baekhyun has to use a little bit of force to get him back on his face again. Somehow Chanyeol kisses so, so well, like he’s a pro in it, but what makes his kisses so good are the way he could taste his honest feelings along the sensual moves. Baekhyun pats himself on the back for initiating this in the first place. Who even knew that one daring act would lead to something this great?

Then Chanyeol’s lips trail down slowly, to his chin, to his neck where Chanyeol stays for a while to suck and nip and suck again and nip again, to his collarbone where Chanyeol gives it a gentle lick that sends this electric surge into his core, and then to his chest where Chanyeol rains butterfly kisses on, where Chanyeol takes one of his already erect nipples into his mouth, licking and sucking. All the while, Baekhyun can only keep his grip on Chanyeol’s hair and suppress the animalistic noises that are threatening to come out of his lips.

“Baekhyun,” he opens his eyes when Chanyeol calls for him, “what do you want me to do with this?

He wants to curse because he doesn’t get what Chanyeol is talking about, but heat enters his face when he realizes what Chanyeol is implying; the guy must’ve felt his hardness against his abdomen. “Shit.”

“Do you,” Chanyeol pauses to kiss the spot right next to his belly button, “want me to,” another kiss on his waist, “take care of it?” one more kiss right above the button of his jeans, dangerously close to where it hurts so good.

He’s definitely going insane because of Park Chanyeol. “I…”

“It’s your call.”

“Fuck, why is it my call?”

“It’s your body.”

“I can’t think!”

To his confusion, Chanyeol gets back up to his eye level again. “We’ll do this for now.” Chanyeol murmurs, more of a warning.

And at the next second, Chanyeol slams his own hardness against his throbbing one and starts to grind. Baekhyun can’t help but let out a loud gasp, and he hears Chanyeol reacting to it with a grunt. The guy claims his lips again, probably to shut him up, because any of the noise coming out of their lips would only make the painful heat worse. At some point, Chanyeol grinds a little too hard, and Baekhyun sends a loud moan into Chanyeol’s mouth, making the guy give up and part from him.

“Fuck, Baekhyun, why did you have to -”

“Your fault.”

“I almost couldn't hold it already.”

“Why the fuck are you holding it anyway?”

The sentence works like a spell on Chanyeol. The guy stares right into his eyes, as if he had found some kind of enlightenment in him. “I’ll ask again, are you sure about this?”

“I fucking am!” Baekhyun half shouts. “I’m a little bit tipsy but I’m well aware of this, okay? I want this. Do you…?"

Chanyeol nods at him slowly.

“Then what the hell are you waiting for?”

He doesn’t bother to process what goes on after. Soon the rest of his clothing gets discarded somewhere on the floor, courtesy of Chanyeol who’s now struggling to take his own pants off. His own hardness springs upwards, throbbing in pain, and he’s not prepared at all when Chanyeol takes it into his gentle yet firm hold; even the small tug already makes him gasp out loud.

“Easy, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol dares to tell him as he starts stroking up and down, his other hand spread on his abdomen, as if he’s pinning him down. “How do you like it?”

“Told you I can’t think - Chanyeol ,” his hip involuntarily buckles up at the increasing speed of Chanyeol’s hands, “fucking do something. Me. Do me. God.”

He almost screams in frustration when Chanyeol leaves the work on his below part. He watches in pain as Chanyeol rummages through the content of the bedside drawer and fishes out a bottle and a packet of something so familiar it makes him chuckle in the middle of his heat. Chanyeol appears to be a well prepared man, why is he not even surprised?

At the speed of light, Chanyeol is back on the spot in front of him, except that this time Chanyeol positions himself between his legs instead of straddling him like before. The way Chanyeol spreads his legs and hooks them around his waist elicits another moan from him. It’s really happening. He’s really turning into a fool for Chanyeol’s moves. It only worsens when he feels cold substance being applied on the rim of his opening, breath hitching when the tip of Chanyeol’s fingers spread the lube gel evenly. The fingers circle around the rim and his mind just zooms across the space.

“Hold onto something.” Chanyeol says, in his deep, husky voice, and Baekhyun’s hands immediately reach up to grip the edge of the pillow beneath his head.

Then Chanyeol inserts a digit, painstakingly slow, but surely impaling through his tight cavern, and that’s when Baekhyun moans a little too loud.

“Fuck, Byun Baekhyun,” he still can hear Chanyeol grunting, “the things you do to me.”

You’re not the one to talk, you - he feels Chanyeol retracting his finger, only to slam it again into him. He grits his teeth to prevent himself from being too loud again. At the same time, Chanyeol wraps a hand around his pulsing member again, not forgetting to graze his fingers on the skin of his balls. Then the hand is back on stroking him up and down, this time gripping a little bit tighter, while the other diligently goes in and out of him. Seems like Chanyeol has a kick with rhythm because it’s amazing how he manages to multitask this well.

Chanyeol adds another digit into him, then the third digit follows directly, and he wonders why Chanyeol is thrusting his fingers so slowly, as if he’s afraid to wound him in the process, when he’s practically abusing his member, stroking fast and tweaking every now and then. “Chanyeol,” he manages to call out, “I can’t - hold it anymore…”

“Go for it. Come.”

“What about you? Wait -” Baekhyun forces himself up to steal Chanyeol’s attention, “what about that?” he nudges his chin towards Chanyeol’s own member, pulsing red and hard. Chanyeol needs his own release as well, and Baekhyun won’t let this be just a one way communication. “Do me now. Get inside me. Now .”

“Are you sure?”

Baekhyun is honestly so fed up with that question, but he finds it necessary when it just downs onto him that the size of Chanyeol’s member could actually rip him apart. “Yep.” he answers nonetheless.

“Okay.” Chanyeol pulls his fingers out of him, making him almost cry due to the loss. “Okay.” Chanyeol swiftly rips the packet of condom and rolls it down on his member in one go. He then crawls forward towards him, hooking both of his legs around his waist, and leans down so their lips could meet in a short, chaste kiss. “Okay.” Chanyeol whispers when they release each other.

“Okay.” Baekhyun smirks, draping his arms around Chanyeol’s neck. It feels almost intoxicating to have the guy’s skin flush against his own, warm and bare.

Chanyeol’s gaze is fixed on him, eyes to eyes. “Goddammit.” the tremble in Chanyeol’s voice tugs the strings in his heart. “You’re so beautiful, Byun Baekhyun.”

Is it weird that I cry in the middle of sex over those words? He can only blush at the random statement.

Then Chanyeol’s hand trails across his skin downwards, teasing him by giving his leaking member a small tug, then leaves him to position his own member in front of the opening of the lubed hole. Baekhyun grits his teeth when he feels the tip of Chanyeol’s condom covered hardness hovers against his rim, circling and circling. “I could punch you.” he grumbles.

Chanyeol only laughs before catching his lips in another kiss. Then in the middle of his sourness, Chanyeol thrusts into him in one slow move, their balls eventually pressing against each other, the tip of the guy’s member reaching far inside him. He shrieks into Chanyeol’s mouth, which Chanyeol swallows with an even deeper kiss. It hurts, and it hurts so good. But there’s something else lurking around him.

Their lips part, and he tries to catch his breath as Chanyeol starts moving inside him, pulling out and thrusting in again, never really leaving his cavern. Chanyeol is going so painfully slow, and he’s sure the guy is also frustrated as well to ease his own pain. “Chanyeol?” he calls softly, making the guy look at him. “Faster.”

Thankfully Chanyeol doesn’t ask him if he’s sure and goes for it, starting to pick up his pace. Their bodies rock along with each other, up and down, and Chanyeol is now on his neck, licking, nipping; apparently it’s his favorite part of his body. Eventually they grow restless, the rhythm getting sloppier, because both of them are so close and could only hold so much.

But when Chanyeol thrusts a little bit too hard, it elicits pain inside him, and in a sudden, Baekhyun freezes, and his mind goes blank.

There they are again, the flashes of warm white, clouding his eyes which now can’t even see Chanyeol.

‘ This bastard almost made me blind. ’

‘ He almost got you there, dude. ’

‘ But look at him now. Wait, is he dead? ’

‘ Nah, not yet. Don’t kill him, though. Won’t be fun. ’

He can’t move any of his limbs. He can’t even hear or feel himself breathing. But those voices, those faint unfamiliar voices, are easily invading his head.

‘ Look at you. Looking like a slut. ’

‘ He’s got fair skin for a man. ’

He can’t feel anything. And maybe that’s for the best. It feels like it’s better for him not to feel anything.

‘ Let’s have some fun, hm? ’

‘ Baekhyun? ’

‘ Baek - ’

“- hyun? Baekhyun? Can you hear me?”

It’s like life was put back into him; he inhales desperately, as if he had stopped breathing moments ago. Eventually he can recognize his surroundings again. He can see Chanyeol once more, and the guy is looking very worried.

“Baekhyun? Hey,” Chanyeol calls for him softly, “can you hear me now?”

He steadies his breath before he nods. “What… what the hell happened?”

“You froze.”

“I - shit, I’m so sorry -”

“Hey, it’s okay. I am sorry. Are you okay?” he closes his eyes when Chanyeol plants a kiss on his forehead. “Let’s call it a night.”

“What? No, no,” Baekhyun grabs Chanyeol by the shoulder when the guy moves away from him, “no, Chanyeol, where were we? Let’s pick it up from there.”

“You’re obviously not in the right state to do this.”

“Who the hell said that?”

“Baekhyun,”

“Don’t…” he doesn’t understand why he’s being so desperate like this, his eyes burning from the brewing tears, “don’t leave me.”

The sentence successfully makes Chanyeol stop and hover above him, eyes full of conflict of emotions. He curses at himself for ruining the moment for them when everything has been running smoothly. Now he doubts Chanyeol would be as interested in him as before.

But to his relief, Chanyeol puts a hand on top of his own which is still gripping on the guy’s shoulder. “Alright.” Chanyeol says after a sigh. “But I suggest that you do it instead.”

“Do what?”

“Me.” he’s gifted with a smile. “I’ll help you if you need me to.”

Baekhyun stares at this strange man in front of him. How could someone be so considerate like this? How could someone be so calm like this in the middle of such a bizarre situation? Chanyeol is really something else. “Are you sure?” he finds himself asking.

It makes Chanyeol chuckle. “That’s supposed to be my line. Are you ready?”

And that’s how Baekhyun ends up spreading a generous amount of lube around the rim of Chanyeol’s opening, pushing two digits into the hole to familiarize it with the invasion, while Chanyeol writhes in front of him, hand gripping on his own knees. Baekhyun works on preparing the guy, sliding his fingers in and out, as he runs his lips against the skin of Chanyeol’s pulsating member which has been bare since a moment ago, licking along the hardness, peppering kisses here and there. When he engulfs the head in one mouthful, the tip of his tongue abusing the slit, Chanyeol lets out a string of incoherent words through gritted teeth; it makes him somehow feel triumphant.

“Baekhyun,” he hears Chanyeol’s plead, “don’t be… too long.”

He pulls his fingers out and places his own member in front of the entrance, and that’s when he realizes something. “Condom.” he grumbles begrudgingly.

“It’s alright. Go for it.”

Baekhyun doesn’t need to be told twice, immediately scooping up a handful of lube and lathering his hardness with it. He gets a grip of Chanyeol’s hip to secure his position, and with one swift move, he enters Chanyeol.

He didn’t even think it would end up like this. He usually lets the other party do the work for the both of them, prefering to be pleased than to please. He only topped when his mood was great, or the alcohol was too far down his system. So he finds it refreshing to see the impact he does on someone else, to see the way Chanyeol shuts his eyes close while welcoming his every thrust, the way Chanyeol grits his teeth whenever his hand wraps tightly and tugs a little bit too hard on the guy’s hardness, the way Chanyeol looks for more contact with him despite having his length deep inside him, even the way Chanyeol looks so glad when he finally leans down to catch his lips in a wet, sloppy kiss. It’s a whole new sensation to see how crazy Chanyeol is for him, as much as he’s crazy for the guy.

Chanyeol comes first, strings of white substance shooting up, staining all over his chest and some on his neck. His own release is so close that he straightens his upper body up so he could increase the already high speed, his skin grazing hot against Chanyeol’s even hotter walls. His hip buckles, trembles hard, when he finally comes inside Chanyeol, his own liquid filling up Chanyeol’s hole until they drip from the rim. He still thrusts, deliberately slowing down since it’s only the aftershocks. His member softens in Chanyeol’s cavern but he still slides back and forth to keep the sinfully pleasurable contact while marveling at how wet both of them are. Chanyeol’s own member rests against his abdomen, and he gives it attention as well, caressing the soft and warm limb; Chanyeol lets out a moan because of this.

“Baek…” he looks up at Chanyeol when he hears the guy’s husky whisper, “miss you.”

“Right away.” he finally pulls out of Chanyeol with a sigh of relief. He brings Chanyeol’s seemingly never ending legs together to close them so he can rest both his knees on the guy’s sides, allowing him to crawl up and rest his whole figure on top of the exhausted yet satisfied body, his elbows supporting half of his weight. He doesn’t know why, but he suddenly giggles upon seeing the sight of Chanyeol with a lazy smile on his lips and hooded eyes looking back at him. “Hello there.” he grins.

“You did well.” Chanyeol lifts his head up a little and steals a kiss on the corner of his lips. “Beautiful.”

“Oh stop it.” he rolls his eyes. Then he dips in to kiss Chanyeol full on the lips. “Or not. Do it again.”

“You’re so beautiful.”

“Keep it going.”

“You were so good. Where did you learn all of those moves?”

“Go on.”

“The things you made me feel. Dammit. You’re dangerous.”

“Gosh I love this.”

“I love… this, too. Love what you did to me.”

His laughter is muffled against the column of Chanyeol’s neck. “Silly.”

Chanyeol keeps him on top of him, draping his arms around him protectively. Baekhyun feels him dropping kisses on his shoulder every minute. It downs onto him that this is not the usual after-sex session he used to have, where he’d either pass out of exhaustion or dress up and leave right away. This is much, much more than that; he’s still snuggling against Chanyeol’s neck, and Chanyeol is not letting him go from his arms, keeping their satiated bodies warm against each other. What kind of casual relationship has this?

He finds that he doesn’t really care, anyway. The feel of Chanyeol’s bare skin against his is too good for him to question anything, or think about what actually happened to him today during those two times where he lost his senses and was pulled into a dark trance.

He’s greeted with the sunlight the moment he wakes up.

Facing the huge windows, Baekhyun squints his eyes to slowly adjust the brightness that have attacked them first thing in the morning. When he can finally see properly, he notices the light grey walls and navy blue curtain, and his mind goes blank for a moment; where am I?

Oh, right, he’s at Chanyeol’s.

His heart hammers against his ribcage for a second upon the realization that he really did that with Chanyeol last night. As if to prove the validity of it all, soreness registers his body, reminding him of the things they did just a few hours ago. He recalls those times when he woke up on someone else’s bed, and he can’t find one memory where it had felt as good and satisfying as this. Bless Park Chanyeol, his built body and his King sized bed.

Where is he anyway?

He pushes himself up to sit on the bed and notices that he’s fully clothed, and he’s wearing clothes that aren’t his; an oversized white tee and grey cotton shorts. The memories flow into his head right away; somewhere in his hazy state due to the mindblowing release and the wonderful after-sex cuddling session, Chanyeol had mentioned that they should sleep clothed not to catch cold. ‘ It’s freaking summer ’, Baekhyun had lamented, but he didn’t protest further because Chanyeol did all the work for him, dressing him up and tucking him in under the dark turquoise blanket. No one has ever done that for him before. This man is really something else.

Smiling at the amusing memory, Baekhyun glances around to observe the room. There are not much decorations; the room looks like the one he would see in furniture and home accessories stores, fashionably designed and neatly arranged. Except for the vanity where bottles of seemingly skincare products are lined perfectly on the surface, being the only crowded part in the room. The cabinet right across the bed only has one pot of artificial cactus on it, as if it’s there only to make the part of the room look less awkward. This bedroom makes his own at home look like a child’s nursery.

When his gaze falls on the door across the room, he finds Chanyeol standing under its frame. Fitting black tee, grey cotton pants, disheveled bed hair that was probably combed to no avail. A white mug in his hand filled with something steaming. What kind of TV soap drama’s character is he looking at?

“Hi.” Chanyeol greets him with his deep, husky voice.

“Hi.” Baekhyun answers almost right away, cursing inside at the way his voice sounded like a devastated frog.

“How are you feeling?”

“Great…? And you?”

“Never better. I made breakfast.”

“You made what ?” Baekhyun sighs heavily. “Can you, like, take a break from being perfect for one second, Doc?”

Chanyeol’s gaze is still and rather heavy on him for a moment, as if he’s observing him, before he hangs his head low to hide his chuckle. “Can’t take a break from being who I am. Come on, before the food gets cold.”

Kyoong goes haywire the moment it spots them walking out of the bedroom, dashing towards them to circle them with its short legs. Baekhyun lets out a bubbly laugh upon the sight, instantly picking the corgi up to reward it with some love. The corgi likes it very much, eyes closing and tongue rolling out in its dreamy state. “Mongryong used to be this hyper too when he was a puppy.” he comments, recalling those days when little Mongryong would wake him up in the morning.

“Corgi pups tend to be hyper. But this one is just,” Chanyeol sighs, “I don’t know, maybe there’s an electric short circuit forever going on in his head.”

When he puts Kyoong down on the wooden floor, Loey comes to him for a greeting as well. He picks the samoyed up in his arms and hugs it tightly. “Hello to you too.” he whispers when the samoyed snuggles its head against his neck.

“He must’ve missed you.”

“We just met a few hours ago.”

“A few hours is very long for dogs.”

Baekhyun can’t even say anything because all he could think of is Chanyeol’s grin while putting Kyoong back in front of its food bowl and dammit how are you so adorable? He puts Loey down as well and lets the samoyed go back to its own bowl to continue eating. Quietly making his way towards the kitchen bar, his eyes never really left Chanyeol who’s still crouching down next to his corgi, giving it a good scratch on the head. Baekhyun leans his back against the counter and folds his arms in front of his chest, deciding to just focus on Chanyeol. On Chanyeol’s softly smiling face. On Chanyeol’s toned arms. On Chanyeol’s still disheveled hair. On how domestic this looks, even almost familiar.

He doesn’t budge an inch when Chanyeol looks up to meet his eyes. He still can’t read what’s in those round eyes, but he can confidently guess now;  you must be feeling what I’m feeling .

And true to his guess, Chanyeol gets up and saunters across the room towards him, and the first thing he does once he arrives is to grab him by the waist and lift him up, eliciting a shocked gasp from him, only to put him on the top of the marbled surface of the counter. Baekhyun stares at Chanyeol for a moment, eyes wide and wondering, before he smirks upon the realization. So this is how their morning is going to be.

“I missed you too.” Chanyeol murmurs.

“Oh? Yeah. Of course. You’re a puppy too.”

“Maybe I am.”

“Can I at least drink some water first, Doc? You didn’t let me brush my teeth before leaving the room. Please pay attention to my physical well being too.”

“Good thing that I’m always prepared.” Chanyeol reaches for something behind him and hands it to him; it’s a glass of water. “Does it satisfy you, law man?”

Baekhyun raises the glass up near his face. “Obligations discharged just fine.” he murmurs before taking a gulp, the water freshening his throat; it’s what he needs after the rather vigorous activity they did last night.

When he’s done, Chanyeol puts the glass away from him, far away at the corner of the counter table. “Good enough?”

Baekhyun doesn’t answer; he just swiftly pulls Chanyeol back towards him and closes their distance by bringing his lips to meet Chanyeol’s with a little bit of force, moving against each other in another chaste kiss. He spreads his legs apart so Chanyeol can fit between them, instantly hooking his feet around the guy’s waist to pull him even closer. Chanyeol’s hands are slipping underneath his shirt, roaming around the warm skin of his back. What a breakfast indeed.

“The…” Baekhyun mumbles when they part due to the lack of air, “the kids… are watching.”

Chanyeol snorts amusedly, going downwards this time. “They’d just think we’re wrestling.” he says before latching his lips on the exposed skin of his neck, peppering butterfly kisses around the spot, and the first thing Baekhyun does as a reaction is to laugh because of the tickling feeling he gets.

The laugh soon transforms into mild moans when Chanyeol starts sucking. “Damn.” he breathes out, eyes wandering around the room, only to find Kyoong and Loey paying a good amount of attention to them. “They’re judging us.” he wants to laugh but it’s impossible as long as Chanyeol is still consuming him like this. “Seriously they’re - oh fuck - they’re looking at us.”

Finally Chanyeol stops abusing the patch of skin, only letting his lips stay on it. The laughter that follows only sends more vibration into Baekhyun’s body which threatens to wake up his part below. “I feel like a bad parent.” Chanyeol muses.

“Let’s just eat.” Baekhyun tries to speak without breaking into laughter as well. “For the sake of the kids, let’s just eat.”

Chanyeol made some pancakes for them, leaving the option for the topping to him. Baekhyun finds a jar of his favorite brand of strawberry jam on the counter top and picks it without thinking twice while Chanyeol drizzles his own pancake with chocolate syrup. He ends up staying on the counter top, and Chanyeol ends up standing still on the spot between his legs. Chanyeol cuts his pancake into pieces for him and brings them one by one with a fork; he’s literally feeding the both of them at the same time. Again, they eat in silence, not failing to openly stare at each other’s faces while at it.

At some point, Baekhyun intentionally smears a tiny portion of strawberry jam on the corner of Chanyeol’s lips. “Oops, my bad.” he whispers through his smirk.

“This is illegal.” Chanyeol raises an eyebrow.

“Why? Is it endangering your heart again?”

“You’re clearly well aware of your crimes.”

“Should I clean the mess up before I get caught?”

“Advisedly.”

Baekhyun eagerly leans forward to kiss the spot he had attacked with the jam, licking the condiment off Chanyeol’s skin. He didn’t expect Chanyeol to giggle because of this act but he’s proud of his nonetheless, proceeding to kiss Chanyeol full on the lips, this time more casually and languidly. Since when did they become so comfortable with each other like this? Last night clearly did magic on them.

And he hopes the magic will stay for a long, long time.

But of course, hopes are just hopes. A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. It’s just a feeling, not a guarantee.

He told Chanyeol he had to go home as soon as possible because he didn’t get to tell his parents that he was going to stay out last night. Chanyeol ushered him into the bathroom right after, assuring him that he could find his clothes on the bed later. He started showering, the water clearing the clouds in his mind, and when his mind is in its optimal state, he starts to notice things he should’ve ignored.

There are two bottles of shampoo with different brands on the shelf attached against a small recess on the shower wall. Same goes with the body wash. The content inside is more than half. It’s still being used instead of being left there because the liquid ran out; who uses two different brands of shampoo simultaneously?

Once he’s done with showering, he dries himself and goes to the bathroom vanity to brush his teeth. There he notices another thing he really should’ve ignored; there are two toothbrushes. Different types. One gigantic tube of toothpaste. Maybe Chanyeol is a clean freak when it comes to his teeth.

As he dresses himself up, he can’t help but investigate the bedroom. The bed is already made. There’s a pair of navy blue single sofa chairs with a silver end table between them; maybe Chanyeol loves to rest his feet at the other chair when he sits there. The vanity is filled with bottles of skincare products, one he wanted to change his current skincare brand to. There’s nothing weird, technically. Except that the way the top of the cabinet is so vacant bothers him suddenly. He lowers himself down so his eyes can be on the same level as the top’s surface and let the sunlight do the job for him; there’s a wiped part of the small dust, as if something was dragged away in a hurry. What could it be? Books? More bottles? Picture frames?

He really didn’t mean to play detective in Chanyeol’s place, but his mind just won’t agree with decency once it notices an anomaly, no matter how subtle it is.

In the end he walks out of the bedroom, finding Chanyeol having just finished vacuuming the carpet in the living room. “That was fast.” Chanyeol comments.

Somehow he naturally replies with a smile. “Can I help with anything?”

“It’s alright, all is good for now.” Chanyeol casts the vacuum machine aside, leaning it against the wall. “Can you wait for me? I’m going to shower real quick and drive you home.”

“You don’t have to, really.”

Chanyeol studies him for a short moment before reaching out to ruffle his still damp hair. “Let me do it for you.”

Despite the alarms ringing off in his mind, he still manages to muster up a smile. “Okay, Doc.”

It was not a wise decision for the both of them to let him wander around all by himself. It only makes him notice strange things that maybe were never even strange in the first place. There are two white mugs with printed pictures on them; one has Kyoong’s, the other one has Loey’s. Chanyeol is indeed a dedicated dog dad. He walks until he stops right before the fridge. There are a few post-it notes stuck on it, all in light yellow.

‘Soak the red beans for the whole night’

‘Milk expires in 2 days’

‘Welcome back home :) I’m on my ER shift until 4pm today’

‘Out to buy cheese at 3:45pm please don’t worry I’ll be back soon’

‘Welcome home. I love you.’

Without him realizing it, his hand is already reaching up to pull the note away from the fridge door. He decides not to think and just walk away.

It’s even worse when he sits in the living room alone like this. His eyes can’t stop wandering around the place, and he ends up finding the strangest thing in the apartment.

There’s one nail stuck on the wall with nothing hanging on it. It’s quite high, which indicates it’s meant to hang any kind of decoration. Judging by how little the amount of miscellaneous stuff is around the place, that nail must’ve been hammered there for a specific purpose. Something must’ve been taken off there, but what could be put that high as a decoration? A painting? Another picture frame?

Baekhyun decides to shut his brain down and close his eyes. Stop thinking, asshole .

Just in time, he hears the door of the bedroom being pulled. He opens his eyes and finds Chanyeol appearing from the frame, looking fresh in his casual look; it’s the first time he sees Chanyeol wearing only a t-shirt and ripped jeans. The sight only twists his heart, making him look down over his lap, right at the yellow post-it note in his idle hands.

“Hey.” he hears Chanyeol approaching him. From his peripheral vision, he notices Chanyeol stopping on his tracks. He must’ve noticed the thing he’s holding.

‘Welcome home. I love you.’

Baekhyun exhales out the emotions that were clogging his throat.

“So in the end I am your summer fling.”

Chanyeol falls on the couch behind him with a soft thud. “That’s not how it is.”

“Relax, Doc. What’s so weird about that anyway?” Baekhyun chuckles; it comes out sounding bitter.

‘ I shouldn’t be doing this. ’

“Is that why you didn’t want to do anything with me at first?”

“Baekhyun…”

“Did things go bad with him ? Or her ? Did things go so bad that you kept meeting me?”

“Baekhyun, I swear, it’s nothing like that.”

“Then what is it ?” he finally looks at Chanyeol, and he regrets ever doing so. There’s no way he could keep his stance when Chanyeol is looking severely broken at the moment. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. I don’t have the right to question your life.”

Chanyeol looks so lost. The sight reminds him of those defendants who wanted to explain themselves so badly but didn’t do so because they knew it was too late and no one would believe them.

“I’m leaving. You don’t have to drive me. Sorry, you even changed clothes because of me.” he chuckles, already standing from the couch. The post-it note falls on the carpet. “Thank you. For everything. The pancakes.” The way you made me feel like I could start something good with you. The way you made me like you so much even though I’ve only known you for days. “Yeah. The pancakes.”

“Baek…”

He walks to the corner where Kyoong and Loey are taking their sweet naps. “Bye, boys. I’m so sorry we only have such a little time together.” he smiles sadly at them before turning around to go for the front door.

Of course Chanyeol catches up to him and holds him back with a tug on his hand. He gently wriggles himself out and meets Chanyeol’s eyes. “I’ll text you when I go back to Seoul.”

Chanyeol’s gaze on him is as mysterious as always; this time there’s a tinge of sadness in it.

“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun musters up another smile. “I don’t think I can see your face again after this.”

With one more turn and few more steps, he’s out of the apartment, out of something that had stopped before he could start. He walks, and walks, and walks. That’s all he can do aside from just going back to Chanyeol’s place to barge in and punch Chanyeol in the face. Why is he even thinking of punching Chanyeol? He himself is the one at fault here. Who even told him to get involved with that guy?

He stops on the sidewalk to catch his breath. The sun is glaring viciously at him; he deserves it somehow. He reaches into his pocket to find his phone and sighs in relief when he finds it hasn’t run out of battery yet. Holding his breath, he immediately taps on the screen to find someone’s contact and calls the said person.

“Baekhyun?” Jongdae’s voice makes him want to burst out crying. “Hello? Baekhyun?”

“He has someone else.” he finally spells the fact out.

‘ Welcome home. I love you. ’

“He…” Baekhyun hangs his head low, “he has someone else.”

“What? Who? Where are you, Baek?”

“It sucks. Whoa. It fucking sucks.” he laughs bitterly. “I like him very much, you know. I like him so fucking much. So I don’t understand how. How could he make me like him so much. How could he have someone else when I like him so much.”

Welcome home, I love you?

Fuck.

“I like him.” he murmurs. “I like him so much.”

“Baekhyun, tell me where you are.”

He cuts the call with a tap of his thumb. Shoving his phone back into the pocket, he continues to walk. He’s not really sure where he is, but he keeps walking and walking.

Magic never stays for more than one night.

===

He sleeps the entire noon away.

Obviously the activity won’t grant him the catharsis he sought for. Sleep takes nothing away, it only puts a hold on his life to give his mind a break. When he’s awake, he would have to face the aftermath of his own foolishness and irresponsibility again.

But damn, he’d rather sleep forever, because at least during that time he won’t have to think.

He doesn’t want to think. He hates thinking. Because thinking makes him recall his times with Park Chanyeol, which then would remind him of how much he had come to like that guy, then he would remember what happened this morning, then he would end up questioning one thing again and again; why, the fuck , did he have to fall for someone in such a wrong time?

Thankfully, he wakes up when it’s already dark, complete with headache and soreness. Baekhyun groggily gets off the bed to wash up in hopes that the shower would knock some sense out of him; it did that successfully this morning anyway. He’s well aware that no amount of water would calm him down unless it’s collected in a pool where he could drown in, but at least he can wash away some remnants of Chanyeol on him.

Chanyeol again, Chanyeol again. This is why he doesn’t want to be awake; he doesn’t want to think of Chanyeol.

His mother is chopping green onions when he arrives in the kitchen; she whips her head up to look at him when she notices his presence. “Baekhyun…”

“Sorry I slept that long, I drank too much last night that my head felt like exploding.” he reasons apologetically. That was the best summary he could come up with. “Anything I can do?”

Not answering right away, his mother puts the knife down and wipes her hands with a handkerchief, then proceeds to put a hand on his shoulder. “Baekhyun,” she calls out gently, “are you alright, dear?”

The question numbs him all at once. He wants to just pull his hands away from his mother’s hold and run off upstairs to lock himself in his bedroom. Is he alright? Can he be alright? Why is it so hard to be alright?

I still don’t get why my workmates sent me back home and made me feel suffocated for not doing what I’m supposed to do, I blanked out twice in a trance where I heard strange voices that creeped me, I might have fucked someone's husband, and I’ve fallen for him so hard I don’t think I can handle the fact I can’t see him anymore .

“No.” he breathes out in defeat. “No. I’m not.”

“Is there anything I can do?” his mother cups his left cheek. “Anything? To help you.”

He automatically shakes his head. “No. I’m sorry, Mom.”

The answer is obviously not in his mother’s favor. But she nods nonetheless, seemingly understanding that he’s not able to think clearly at the moment. “You can have some rest. I’m all done here.”

“Are you sure?” his eyes glance around the kitchen to see if his mother is really all set.

‘ Are you sure? ’ Chanyeol had asked him before sliding into him.

‘ Are you sure? ’ Chanyeol had asked him to confirm that they both wanted the same thing.

‘ Are you sure? ’ Chanyeol had asked him when he said he could walk home alone, that night when they first met, when both of them hadn’t even thought of doing more than just drinking.

Somehow, that line has become Chanyeol’s.

And maybe, just maybe, his heart as well.

Being alone makes him think of the times there was someone next to him, in front of him, behind him, above him, underneath him. The silence makes him think of the words they shared, the whispers they breathed out, the sounds they made when they reached pleasure together. And the state of clarity makes him wish that he’s not so awake and aware like this, that he could at least do something to dull the pain and fog the memories.

He’s never the type to leave a problem and run away from it. But for the sake of sanity, he has to avoid this one for the meantime.

So he changes his clothes and leaves his bedroom in an unnecessary hurry, telling his mother he’s going out as he makes his way towards the front door without heeding any feedback. He puts his shoes on and walks away, half running to the gates. He needs to get out and get drunk.

He trips on his own shoes when he gets out of the front yard, and that’s when he notices the lemon trees near where he’s standing. He was there, just two nights ago. With Chanyeol. Tipsy and giddy. He had looked at Chanyeol like he was the brightest summer star in the universe.

But that sweet moment they shared now has become a sour memory, and he wishes he could lose his ability to taste.

The band is playing slow indie rock songs again when he gets into the bar. Baekhyun meanders his way around the place, taking his time to get to the counter; there are quite a lot of people there, much to his relief, for it means he won’t have to look so pitiful sitting alone tonight. The crowd is the perfect place to be lonely without being judged.

It doesn’t really matter, though, when he’s the one judging himself.

Why did you do that? He pours the liquid from the bottle into the medium sized glass in front of him. Why the hell did you do that, Byun Baekhyun? Why did you have to fall for someone that fast, you idiot asshole?

Half an hour passes by just like that. Him, sitting on a stool, bottles of beer mocking him. The bartender doesn’t even bother to talk to him despite passing him by a few times. It’s like there’s a sign of ‘I’m a mistake don’t talk to me’ plastered on his forehead.

But of course there’s someone illiterate stumbling upon him.

“What’s bothering you?”

His heart instantly hammers in his ribcage the moment he hears a voice. Deep, husky voice. At this hour, at this bar, at this side of the counter. Could it be…?

However, disappointment fills him like a poison when his expectations of seeing a tall figure with neatly combed hair and cotton shirt aren’t fulfilled. The stranger is indeed tall, but no, the face he wants to see is not this sharp, the hair he wants to see isn’t this long and slicked back almost messily. This is not the man he wants to see despite knowing he shouldn’t. Upon realizing it’s just some random stranger, he only gives out a slight smile before getting back to his drink.

“Don’t be so cold.” the stranger sneers. “Well, it suits your pretty face, but I’d rather have a warm introduction tonight.”

If he was in a good mood, he would’ve replied with a snarky remark to cast the obnoxious guy away, but he has so little energy and he’s using all of it to prevent himself from choking on his beer, thus he only results in playing deaf. The crow would go away annoyed in a moment.

“Saw you a couple of times here. Always wanted to reach you, but there was always this guy latching onto you.”

Oh great, now some obnoxious asshole is reminding him of Chanyeol as well?

“But it seems like he’s not around tonight. Maybe it’s destiny.”

Goddammit. Baekhyun finally lets out an exasperated groan; that’s his cue to peace out of the place. He grabs his bottle and gulps the rest of the liquid in one go. “Whoa, slow down.” he hears the stranger snorting at his decision. He doesn’t take any offense from that; he’s making fun of himself too.

For the sake of decency, he takes a proper look on the stranger. A very handsome lad, actually. It’s just that he can’t afford to be swayed with good looking faces now, not when there’s only one face he could see in his head. “No thanks.” he murmurs out unknowingly.

He curses at Chanyeol internally; that hot looking guy could’ve been fun for the night if only his heart never got stolen by a doctor. Now he’s going back home too early with an empty soul and forsaken feelings.

The air outside the bar is cold, probably the aftermath of the heat at day. He inhales deeply and releases his breath in a rather slow manner, hoping all of the bitterness inside him could evaporate along. But of course it’s not that easy. He would have to work hard to get rid of the resentment in him before it could consume him alive.

Oddly, his feet won’t move.

Hesitation locks him in the spot he’s standing on. Memories from that night come flooding in, when Chanyeol walked him home, when they talked about Kyoong and Loey the whole way to his house. Things shouldn’t be like this. Chanyeol shouldn’t be invading his every minute like this after only being in his life for a few days, after only spending one night with him. He shouldn’t be so all over someone he technically just met. He can’t be like this just because he had a taste of that man once. He can’t be like this just because they’ve got to the closest point humans could get physically.

He can’t let Chanyeol invade his life like this.

But Chanyeol’s doing it anyway, and he misses him anyway.

Tears start to pool on the corner of his eyes. Chanyeol has reduced him into an emotional mess. Now he’s going to loathe himself more if he really cries.

“Mind a short walk?”

Deep, husky voice. At this hour, in front of this bar. His mind beats him at being a hopeful foolish.

He finds the previous stranger again when he turns around. What was his name again? Not that he cares. “Do I owe you some money?” he asks out of sarcasm. Didn’t this man get the signal that he doesn’t want to do anything with him?

“Money? No. A chance to get to know you? Yes.” the stranger dares to smirk at him. “What do you say?”

Baekhyun lets his gaze linger on the stranger a little bit longer before he inhales and - “Fuck off.”

That’s how he makes his glorious exit.

Finally his feet take him away; he walks as fast as he could. He can’t have another person add more to the destruction of his day. Once he arrives home, he would have to shower again to wash away the annoyance off his skin.

What he didn’t expect is for the stranger to actually follow him close and grab him by his shoulder. “That wasn’t really nice of y-”

He doesn’t get to hear more, because once again, he falls into a dark pit. Everything he’s currently having in his head goes away, replaced with familiar flashes of warm white; this time it intensifies.

‘ You ain’t going anywhere, Byun Baekhyun. ’

‘ My boss sends his best regards. ’

This time, he could feel himself trembling severely. His limbs won’t listen to him. He can tell he’s slowly melting  onto the ground, his bottom meeting the pavement first. He’s trying to keep his breathing steady, but the trembling makes it difficult for him to supply air into his lungs.

‘ Why don’t you come with us, little shit? ’

His eyes are burning with the brewing tears. What is happening? What is happening?

But then he feels warmth wrapping around his hands, and he’s slowly being pulled out of the dark pit. Eventually he gains the rest of his senses back, and that’s when he hears such a familiar voice.

“Baekhyun? Can you hear me now?” his eyes dart at the familiar face right in front of him. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

Kim Jongdae, his best friend for so many years.

“Jongdae.” he calls out to test his own ability to recognize his surroundings.

“Yes, I’m Jongdae. How are you feeling?”

“Shitty.”

“Well, I can see that.” Jongdae chuckles. He watches as his friend stands up and turns to his side to face the stranger from earlier. “What the fuck did you do to him?”

“The hell? I don’t even know what happened back there!” The tall stranger now looks like he’s regretting all of his life choices.

“Oh, you don’t know what happened, hm?” Jongdae tilts his head. “Scram now if you don’t want to know what’s going to happen next with my fist.”

The stranger immediately flies away from the scene. Baekhyun would have laughed if only he’s not being a mess at the moment.

Jongdae huffs while turning towards him again, already reaching out a hand for him. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

He eagerly takes the hand and lets himself be pulled up. Once he stands properly, he engulfs Jongdae into a hug, not really knowing why he’s doing this. Jongdae doesn’t question it either, only patting him on the back. “You’re okay now?” his best friend asks, and he answers with a nod.

The ride home with Jongdae’s car is silent. Baekhyun lets his gaze wander over the view outside, passing them in a blur. He wants to ask Jongdae how he found him back there, but he decides to save the question for later when he gets more energy to talk and think. For now, he just wants to exist there without a reason and a purpose. Living is such a tolling task.

They arrive in front of his house, quickly getting out of the car. When he circles the car to get to the gates, he catches a sight of the lemon trees again, and the familiar wave of resentment fills him once more. He would’ve cut them if only they’re not his mother’s work.

When he gets in the living room, he finds a young lady on the couch with a toddler on her lap. He almost thought he had walked into the wrong house if not for his mother sitting at the other corner of the couch. He bows slightly at the lady, then looks at his mother with a questioning gaze.

“Baekhyun,” his mother is the first to break the ice.

He immediately thinks for the worse. “Is that my child?” he sighs. “But I haven’t had it with girls since forever…”

The lady’s eyes widen, looking alarmed out of sudden, before she slowly glances at his mother. In response, his mother only shakes her head.

Soon enough, Jongdae enters the room, and like magic, the toddler raises her tiny, chubby hands up upon the sight of him. Baekhyun blinks at the little human before he shifts his gaze towards Jongdae. “You know them?”

When Jongdae replies to him with silence, something spontaneously churns inside his stomach. Something bad, ominous, foreboding. He hates this feeling, because usually it’s the sign that a revelation of something horrible is about to happen.

“That’s Hana.” his best friend tells him, looking and sounding so tired, as if he has done this for so many times before. “My daughter.”

Baekhyun narrows his eyes at Jongdae, staying like that for a moment before he bursts into a bitter chuckle. “Don’t shit me like this tonight, dude.”

“And that’s my wife Jieun. Lately you talk to her more than to me. I’ve been busy, so.”

“Kim Jongdae, what the f-” he stops himself when he remembers there’s a minor in the room. He turns to his mother. “What’s going on here?”

“Will you boys sit down first?” his mother heaves.

“No, wait, Jongdae,” he faces his best friend again, “are you serious right now? Why are you joking like this…”

Something flashes in Jongdae’s eyes, and he hates it when he notices it was sadness. “I’m not joking, dude.” Jongdae tells him while looking straight into his eyes. “That’s my family.”

“Your… what ?” Baekhyun frowns. “No, no, Jongdae, your family is Minseok. Kim Minseok. Your boyfriend for seven years, remember? Kim Minseok? The one who brought you out of your house when your parents got so mad after you told them you were gay? The one you swore you would never leave? The one you said you’d spend the rest of your life with-”

“I know who Kim Minseok is, okay? I still know him.” Jongdae grabs him by the shoulder, eyes starting to glisten. “But he’s not… I’m not… I have my own family now. I’m a husband and a father now, Byun Baekhyun.”

“But when… when the fuck did this…”

“Baekhyun, listen to me. Listen carefully.” he can only stay still when Jongdae locks their gaze together. “Answer me. What’s your name?”

“What the -”

“Answer me.”

“Byun Baekhyun. My name’s Byun Baekhyun, you know it.”

“How old are you?”

“Twenty seven.”

“What year is it?”

“2019.”

“What’s your profession?”

“Prosecutor.”

He breaks the gaze with Jongdae when he hears someone sobbing; it’s not his mother, nor is it the lady who Jongdae claimed to be his wife. He looks around until he finds the person.

It’s his father, sitting at the dining table, his back facing them.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae calls for him again, making him spin around, “I’m sorry, but those aren’t true.”

“What?”

“You’re not twenty seven anymore. This year is 2022. You’re thirty years old.”

“Kim Jongdae what are you -”

“You’re not a prosecutor anymore, Baekhyun.” Jongdae shakes his head. “You had to quit your job. You don’t have to go back to Seoul anymore. You’ve been living in Bucheon again for almost three years.”

The words fall onto him like little rocks, hard for him to process but still hurting him nonetheless. He takes a step back to observe Jongdae’s whole appearance properly. The choice of outfit doesn’t reflect Jongdae’s quirky self at all. The face he had known for so many years looks more mature, and a little bit hollow. Jongdae’s gaze stays on him, and he loathes to figure out that his best friend hasn’t been joking about even a thing of what he said.

He searches for another person who could potentially tell him it was all a lie. “Mom?” he croaks out. Unfortunately, it only makes his mother burst into tears. The young lady avoids his gaze, only tightening her arms around her daughter.

The last person he can turn to is his father, who’s still facing the opposite direction. He slowly makes his way towards the dining room, still hoping that this is just an evil prank Jongdae decided to pull on him. Jongdae has never been that mean, but the idea is plausible.

“Dad?” he sounds so small even to himself. “Dad…”

His old man stands up abruptly and turns at him, and it shocks him to see such a devastated look on his father’s face. This man has always been cheerful in most of his life, which is one of the traits he took from him. But at this moment, his father looks so broken and lost, and he can’t even say a thing when his old man pulls him into a hug and starts sobbing again.

“It’s okay.” his father whispers. “It’s alright, son. You’re safe now.”

Baekhyun can’t bring himself to reciprocate the embrace. “What…?”

“It was my fault. I couldn’t protect you. I couldn’t protect my own child.”

And just like that, darkness engulfs him once again. He falls rigid like a broken doll in his father’s arms which he can’t recognize anymore. Is he still being held? Is he doing a free fall? Is he in his house? Or is he being sucked into an endless pit?

Instead of flashes of warm white, this time he gets clearer images in his head. His father, crying in front of him. The background is too white and plain for his house.

‘ It’s my fault. It’s my fault. My child. God, not my child. ’

And this time, he can finally feel the headache that accompanies the trance.

It’s like lightning has struck him in the head, ripping his skull open, the remnants of the electricity frying the rest of him. He screams, and screams, because it hurts, and he doesn’t know why it hurts so much. He feels himself falling knee first on the floor, or it could be just his imagination. Maybe he’s really falling into a pit.

“Dad,” he manages to call out, and he feels tears running down his face as he forces himself to, “Dad…” He can’t hear anything except his own voice and the loud ringing noise in his ears. Is his father still there?

‘ I should’ve gone with you. No. I should’ve kept you home. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, my son. ’

‘ Mr. Byun, the patient could use some rest. ’

‘ I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Baekhyun-ah. I’m so sorry. ’

‘ Baekhyun-ah, ’

‘ Baekhyun… ’

“Baekhyun!”

His first reaction as what his instinct suggests is to push whoever it is in front of him. Thanks to the voice, he’s pulled out of the trance, and now he can see where he really is again. He’s still in the dining room, on his knees next to the table, but instead of his father, the one kneeling together in front of him is someone he had wanted to see just hours before.

But he can’t find his voice for now, so he just stares at the guy, tears prickling on his eyes again. Where were you? They roll down his cheeks like a waterfall. I missed you so much .

“Baekhyun?” the guy approaches him again, looking very careful. “Hey, it’s me. Chanyeol.”

I know . He nods. I’ll always know .

“Can you hear me now? Nod once if you can.” he nods. “Good. Do you really know who I am?”

“Park Chanyeol.” he manages to breathe out.

“Very well.” Chanyeol rewards him with a smile, and he finally realizes how much he missed it. “Do you know who I am to you?”

Who is Park Chanyeol to him? Now he’s dumbfounded. He shakes his head instead. He doesn’t know how to answer. His response prompts the guy to carefully take a hold of his hands; he lets him, because the last time Chanyeol touched his hands, he felt so happy. Maybe his touch could cure him.

Chanyeol still has the audacity to smile. How could Chanyeol have so many smiles in him?

“Hi, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol then speaks with his warm, gentle voice, “I’m your husband.”

Husband.

Husband?

Two different shampoo and body wash brands. Two toothbrushes. Empty cabinet top. Post-it notes on the fridge door. Unused nail on the wall.

Chanyeol is his husband?

“Oh.” he sighs out loud. “Great.”

And he falls into darkness once more, but this time, it’s the peaceful kind of dark that welcomes him whenever he sleeps. He’s sure Chanyeol would catch him in his arms.

The first thing he sees when he opens his eyes is a room’s ceiling with glow-in-the-dark plastic stars scattered around.

The walls are white instead of light grey. Sunlight doesn’t light up the room due to the medium sized window being the only way for it to go through. He’s wrapped in a checkered yellow and blue patterned blanket instead of the dark turquoise one he remembers he had changed a few days ago. The bed he’s laying on is twin sized.

He’s in his old bedroom.

Pain shoots into his head when he gets up to sit. Dread spreads into his veins the moment he realizes what has happened; he has turned into a monster again. He brings up his hands to cup his face, sighing heavily into his palms. He tries to recall at least what happened last night. He was at the bar, someone was bothering him, Jongdae came to his rescue and brought him home, and his best friend tried to break everything down to him.

And then there was Chanyeol.

The realization makes him move before he could even think to do it. He yanks the blanket away and reaches the edge of the mattress, only to stop at the sight he finds on the floor right next to the bed.

Chanyeol’s sleeping on the carpet, complete with pillows and a blanket.

Park Chanyeol, his husband of two years.

Park Chanyeol, who has gone through so much because of him. Who has been trying to keep his poorly glued back pieces intact. Who has never left his side, whether he was out of it or not.

Park Chanyeol, who should’ve never met him in the first place. Whose life he had ruined.

He jumps off the bed and runs out of his bedroom.

His steps thunder on the wooden floor and he can’t bring himself to care. All he wants is to get out. He makes his way downstairs, almost slipping on the last step, and goes for the front door. Opening the door feels too difficult for him, but he forces himself to push through. He’s finally on the porch. Now what? He runs towards the gates, pushing them open, and stops on the pavement outside the yard. Now what?!

On his right, there’s a line of lemon trees. He and Chanyeol had planted them there last year when he told his husband he was curious about how to grow them. He didn’t expect Chanyeol to come home with a book of planting tips and take him to his parents’s house to actually do it. Chanyeol always went to such lengths to make his wishes come true, always trying his best at it.

He wonders how long he has left until Chanyeol realizes that he’s never worth the hassle.

Just in time, he hears the front door being opened, and true to his guess, when he spins around to find the person, he sees Chanyeol standing on the porch with an alarmed look on his face.

How could he drag someone so great like Park Chanyeol down with him?

“Baek!” his husband shouts for him.

“No.” he steps back. “Stay there. Don’t. Don’t come here.”

“Baekhyun,”

“Don’t!” his voice rises in panic. “Please… don’t.”

Just right after, he stumbles backwards and falls on the pavement bottom first. What a great addition to this eventful morning. Baekhyun looks at his reddened palms blankly, not registering the pain properly. Then eventually, the dam gets broken, and his tears fall down his face while his body starts trembling because of his sobs. He doesn’t understand why he has to be like this. He doesn’t understand why he has to keep living while being like this.

Chanyeol catches up with him, already crouching down in front of him. A hand wraps around his wrist gently, cautiously, and he retracts his own hand immediately. “Go away.” he warns brokenly. Chanyeol abides his words, keeping his hands to himself. “Why,” he croaks out, “why did you do that? Why did you - Goddammit , Chanyeol, why did you let me do that to you?!”

He doesn’t understand why Chanyeol tortures himself like that. Everytime he was not himself, everytime he was out of it, Chanyeol was always there to follow him around, seemingly to keep eyes on him, to keep him safe. He even played along with him, acting like a stranger he didn’t have to be careful about.

“Why didn’t you just knock me in the head and wake me up?” he throws a punch on Chanyeol’s shoulder; it’s weak, of course, his husband doesn’t budge an inch. “Was it fun to watch me making a fool out of myself?!”

“It wasn’t like that.” he finally hears Chanyeol’s voice, and it breaks him to hear how devastated he sounded. “I swear to God it wasn’t like that, Baek.”

“Why didn’t you…” he quiets down for a moment when the words enter his head, “why didn’t you just leave me?”

Chanyeol should’ve left him the moment he saw him that day. Three years ago, when he had his first episode. When Chanyeol found out he was sick like this. Chanyeol should’ve walked out the door the moment he found the baggage so heavy. What is he doing here on the pavement with him?

“You should’ve left me. You should’ve left me.”

“Baekhyun, how can I?” Chanyeol agonizes, and he feels his husband’s hand wrapping around his own; this time he welcomes it very dearly, albeit bitterly. “I can never leave you. I will never leave you. Baekhyun, I’ve told you that thousand times already. I’m not leaving you. Never.”

It only makes him lurch forward to let another sob break out of him. “I fucking hate you.” he weeps. “You’re the worst. You’re the fucking worst.”

I’m so sorry. You’re the best. You’re the fucking best, and I don’t deserve you.

“I’m sorry.” he wonders why Chanyeol is on the verge of crying as well. “I’m so sorry.” he lets his husband pull him gently into his arms. “I’m so sorry. I’ll be better. I promise I’ll be better.”

You’re already the best. I will be better instead. I’m so sorry.

He can’t think of anything else to say, so he just buries his face into the column of Chanyeol’s neck. They must be looking like weird fools, sitting on the pavement, crying together like this. But he doesn’t mind looking like a fool and he’s got Chanyeol there with him to do the same.

“How long was it this time?”

They’re under the safety net of his bedroom again, jumbled together on his twin sized bed that obviously can’t properly support Chanyeol’s long limbs. Chanyeol doesn’t seem bothered with it, only focusing on gently caressing his back while they look at each other in the eyes.

“Three days.” his husband answers. “It’s the longest. I was surprised when your mom called me the next morning and told me you were still… cheerful.”

That’s how they tell whether he’s in an episode or not. If he’s cheerful, then he’s not his current self. If he’s dim and quiet again, then he’s back. His episodes usually lasted for hours, a day being the longest, but apparently he was in it for three days in the latest one. No wonder why there were so many memories that came flooding into him. Just how bad was it for him that he had to hide from himself for three days straight?

“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun murmurs, casting his gaze down. “I’m so sorry.”

Chanyeol seizes the opportunity to plant a kiss on his forehead. “Don’t be. Please.” his husband rubs his back a little bit faster, and he sighs contentedly at how relaxing it feels. “But may I know what happened before you relapsed?”

He squeezes his eyes close at the slightest recall. “Not now.”

“Okay. It’s okay. We’ll do that later when you’re ready.” Chanyeol brings their bodies closer. “You’re safe now. That’s all that matters.”

“Were you worried?”

“Oh, you think?” he looks up to see Chanyeol raising an eyebrow at him, and like magic, amusement fills him, urging him to smile. “I kept calling your mom, she kept calling me. The moment you left home she immediately called me and I assured him I’d keep my eyes on you. Maybe it was because it lasted for days that she panicked. We panicked.”

It was always like that whenever he would go out while he was still in his episode. His family would let Chanyeol know he was going to the bar or the convenience store, and Chanyeol would try to catch him walking there so he could follow him from behind to make sure he was safe. Then Chanyeol would end up drinking at the bar or eating with him at the convenience store as well to keep eyes on him, and most of the time they would end up talking as strangers, while the other times they would just steal glances or not look at each other at all.

But because it lasted for three days, they ended up engaging in more than just talking.

“I’m so sorry, Yeol.” he murmurs again, the amusement seeps out of him and the familiar sadness and shame take their place once more. “It was so messed up. I’m sorry.”

His husband brings their forehead together. “It wasn’t your fault.” Chanyeol whispers. “You couldn't control it.”

I couldn’t control it, but I still caused damage to you. “I’m so sorry.” he repeats nonetheless.

“I know.” his husband lands a soft kiss on the tip of his nose and he swears he could cry again because of that small act. “I know.”

He’ll forever be sorry, and he hopes Chanyeol would forever understand.

Silence fills the room, blanketing them in peacefulness. Baekhyun rests his hand on the back of Chanyeol’s head, running his fingers through the soft, thick locks, while Chanyeol continues caressing his back and providing him warmth. In times like this, Baekhyun wishes he could be selfish and just enjoy the fact that he has Chanyeol, that he was gifted with Chanyeol, and enjoy it to its fullest.

At some point, memories of yesterday pop in his head, and one particular thing makes him giggle out of sudden. “I even thought I screwed someone’s husband. Damn.”

It makes Chanyeol burst out cackling. “Well, technically I’m your husband, so.”

“It was horrible. I was so heartbroken, you know? I thought, shit, just when I finally found someone I genuinely liked, he ended up being off limits?”

“Glad to know you find me charming whether we’re strangers or not.” Chanyeol rubs his forehead against his. “I really would’ve laughed that morning if only the situation wasn’t so serious. You asked me if you were my summer fling and I almost screamed, ‘no, honey, you’re my husband!’”

Baekhyun lets himself laugh loosely. “Gosh, the drama. I was so overwhelmed with the fact that you hid something from me when in fact it was stuff about me that you hid away.”

“I got rid of our pictures the first thing when I woke up. It was difficult to take our wedding picture off the wall, really. Almost fell flat on the floor.”

“You forgot the stuff in the bathroom, though.” he mentions, only to find Chanyeol smiling at him meaningfully. “Oh, you left them there on purpose.”

“Just to see if you’d notice. I didn’t want to do that, but Minseok suggested that. He told me I shouldn’t keep it going any longer, because that was the first time your episode lasted for more than a day. So I did that to make you question some things. I just didn’t really expect you to think I was cheating on my spouse with you.”

“Dammit, my dramatic brain.” Baekhyun sighs exasperatedly. He takes his time to stare at Chanyeol’s face, swallowing in every detail. “But the day before, you told me you shouldn’t be doing what we were about to do. What did you mean?”

Gloom fills Chanyeol’s eyes, and Baekhyun instantly regrets ever asking. “You see, I kind of missed you. And I was always mesmerized with how cheerful you were whenever you were in your episode. I was… I guess I was swept in the current. You were there in front of me, and I just wanted to hold you so bad, and you were making it difficult for me to hold myself back.”

“Why did you hold yourself back?”

Chanyeol closes his eyes. “I didn’t want to take advantage of you.”

‘ You don’t know… how much I want you. ’

“I wanted you. I really wanted you. But that doesn’t make it right for me to immediately go with it, no matter if you wanted me the same way at that moment. It felt like I was using your episode to do things we didn’t do when you were on your current self.”

Baekhyun in his current self isn’t as affectionate and blunt as he is in his episode. He was like that three years ago, when he was twenty seven and carefree, before that unfortunate event struck him. When he’s in his current self, he doesn’t spontaneously pull Chanyeol in for a kiss, doesn’t do pick-up lines for him, doesn’t dare Chanyeol to touch him. Thirty years old Baekhyun does everything carefully and lets Chanyeol initiate things between them the most.

Chanyeol himself has been very considerate, always prioritizing his feelings about whatever they’re about to do, which is why their progress in having intimacy has been slow. The most they’ve done so far is hugging, caressing each other on the back, shoulder and head. They hold hands almost on a daily basis whenever there’s a chance; it’s the easiest way Baekhyun could express his feelings for Chanyeol. They also have done lots of kissing, the chaste and heat-free kind. For a few times, when the alcohol kicked in well and they both acknowledged their needs, they touched each other with cautious hands and then made love in the slowest and most careful way possible; Chanyeol wouldn’t do it unless Baekhyun was sure what they were about to do wouldn’t trigger him.

He hates that his trauma has taken control over his life, and Chanyeol always tried to help him navigate his life around it since he couldn’t make it go away.

“Do you like that version of me more?” he finds himself asking. “That cheerful, daring version of me. The happy me. Do you like him more?”

Maybe Chanyeol never forced him out of his episode because he wanted the cheerful Byun Baekhyun to stay as long as possible. Maybe Chanyeol only stays with him so he could meet that version of him. Maybe he’s just a vessel that Chanyeol keeps around and uses when he is possessed by his past self.

Or maybe this is where he’s being unfair, because thinking about those things is like erasing the fact that in his gloomy days, Chanyeol was there by his side, moving towards him as slow as he could, making sure his presence was known in his dark times when the lights were too much, always greeting him with that warm and gentle smile of his, always matching his pace, always telling him ‘ it’s alright, you did well, take it slow ’.

“What’s so different about you and him?” Chanyeol locks their gaze together. “He is you, three years younger and carefree. You are him, three years older and wiser. I fell in love with the same person, it’s just that he has his bright days and dim nights, and I’ve sworn to be in all of those times.”

Chanyeol, who was always so patient and considerate, of course would give him that as an answer. He should’ve expected it. But he’s still so amazed with Chanyeol’s mind, with Chanyeol’s heart, that he lets his tears do the job to tell Chanyeol his thoughts are very appreciated.

“You are one person, Byun Baekhyun.” his hand follows Chanyeol’s which is cupping his face. “There’s no happier you, there’s no sadder you. You are you, with so many emotions inside that make you human. Your smile, your scars, they’re all in you. I love only one person. I love you.”

‘ I love you. ’

It was always Chanyeol who said those three words.

It was a given, considering that Chanyeol was the one who initiated the relationship. Three years ago they met in a not so convenient situation, and six months later Chanyeol had confessed to him, which he had rejected without a second thought. Chanyeol fought for his love for the next few months, until finally Baekhyun clearly saw Chanyeol beyond his own veil of trauma and self hatred. He, too, had fallen in love with Chanyeol, but never felt he deserved to nurture those feelings in his messed up state. He was always scared that what he felt for Chanyeol was based on his gratitude for Chanyeol's kindness.

They went through a lot for the next couple years, through so many unimaginable occurrences, yet here they are, cramped on his old bed, holding each other. It looks like they deserve a break from all the hardships in their life together, and it looks like Chanyeol deserves to hear what he should’ve heard since their wedding day two years ago.

“I love you too.” Baekhyun confesses in a small whisper. “I love you too, Park Chanyeol.”

This time, it’s Chanyeol whose eyes glisten in tears. He takes in the sight with a heavy heart because he has never seen Chanyeol this fragile. Usually Chanyeol would only cry when Baekhyun himself is crying and it overwhelms his husband. But to cause Chanyeol’s tears to pool on his eyes just by saying those simple words? Just how long did Chanyeol wait to hear them?

“I know.” his husband says through his wavering voice. “I’ve always known it.”

Thank goodness, because it means everything he did for Chanyeol wasn’t merely taken as a form of gratitude. It means Chanyeol had felt his heart through his attempt in caring for him. Cooking meals for him, asking about his day at work every night, sharing his thoughts about finding another type of job to cure his boredom which was his way to give out little parts of himself, telling him how his therapy sessions went. He had done various things to let Chanyeol know that his heart is Chanyeol’s, that Chanyeol matters a lot to him. That he reciprocates his feelings.

Thank goodness that Chanyeol noticed all of that.

“Should we go home?” he muses.

The way his husband’s face lights up makes joy bubble in him.

Chanyeol plants another kiss on his forehead. “Let’s go home.”

When they’re ready to go, he finds everyone at the dining table; his parents, Jongdae and his wife, and the little girl sitting on the baby stool. He announces that they’re going home, and Jongdae immediately stands up and leaps towards him to pull him into a tight hug. Jieun gives him a light squeeze at the shoulder and lets him greet baby Hana, who gives him the biggest toothless smile he has ever seen. His mother shoves a stack of food filled containers for them to bring home, while his father pats him on the back wordlessly. All of them must’ve been so worried, thus Baekhyun leaves the house with a smile to ease their hearts.

The ride home is silent, and Baekhyun spends it well by sitting facing his left so he can stare at Chanyeol. He does this whenever he feels like he needs to be reminded that he’s alright now, he’s got a lifetime friend he could lean on, and he’s slowly learning how to be the person the said lifetime friend could depend on as well. It’s still a long way for him to reach that point, but he’s willing to walk the road. Chanyeol would be right by his side anyway.

“Am I that handsome?” Chanyeol asks, eyes still on the streets in front of them, a soft smile spreading on his lips.

Baekhyun lets out an amused sigh. “Yeah. It’s not fair.”

Life is not as good as the picture in his head, but maybe he has focused on that picture too much that he’s forgotten there are dozens of other pictures to appreciate, with various strokes and colors, and this is one of them. Chanyeol being in it is already a winning feature.

“Hey, do you think we can grow a pot of lemon tree in our apartment?”

“Technically, we can , but do you think it would be safe from Kyoong?”

===

When it’s late in the afternoon, Minseok visits their home.

Kyoong dashes towards his friend immediately; the boys are already familiar with him since he’s been a regular visitor. Baekhyun doesn’t know what to do at first, because guilt is the first thing that hits him when he recalls his last encounter with the said friend.

“Man,” he says in a small voice when they’re both seated on the couch of the living room, “I’m so sorry for that night.”

No wonder why Minseok had looked so horrified by his questions. He had asked him the most hurtful ones possible. It’s been three years since Minseok and Jongdae broke up for good, two years since Jongdae got married. The pain must be still fresh in him.

“I almost punched you.” Minseok snorts. “Kidding. Well, thanks to you, I got a reason to call Jongdae.”

“You called him?”

“Yeah, we were on the phone for three days while you were in your episode. He discussed with me and Chanyeol about coming here to get you out of it by force. Oh, where is Chanyeol?”

“On his ER shift. Did you get to meet Jongdae?”

Minseok glances away towards the window, as if he needs to prepare himself to talk. “I did. Met his wife. And his daughter. Hana, wasn’t it?”

“Yep. Kim Hana.”

“She asked to be carried on our first meeting. Seems like she’s easy with strangers. Must’ve gotten that from her father.”

Minseok looks so sad and lonely like this. It must be the everlasting aftermath of ending something he thought would last forever. One day he woke up not being Jongdae’s lover anymore, and now he must be wondering what kind of life is he living now, because Jongdae is there with a little family of his own instead of being by his side in this one. Baekhyun knows that feeling all too well; to not recognize the life you’re living in anymore.

“Okay, enough moping on my side.” Minseok exhales heavily then turns at him. “I’m here as your psychiatrist.”

“I know, Dr. Kim.” relief fills him when he sees his friend let out a small smile at the nickname.. “Chanyeol asked you to come here because I’m not in a good condition to go out. Heard him talking while I was showering.”

“But are you sure to do this today? You’ve only been out of your episode for less than a day.”

“It’s alright. I ran from you twice anyway. I owe you this.”

Minseok snorts, already starting to fish out some papers out of his bag. “Thank you for acknowledging that, you brat. Alright, so. Whenever you’re ready, Patient Byun Baekhyun.”

 “I am now.” Baekhyun fixes his position on the couch.

“Let’s start by telling me what happened before the last… three episodes you had.” Minseok flips over a few pages. “I assume the episodes went as usual. Except for the last one, of course, since it lasted for three days. But let’s break down the triggers. What happened?”

What happened?

“Take your time as always, Baekhyun. Don’t force the memories to come altogether. Slowly, okay?”

He exhales heavily, preparing himself to recall as much as he could without jeopardizing himself today.

“It was almost two weeks ago. A day after my birthday, I remember clearly.” he gulps. “An old workmate called me. To wish me and all.”

‘ We missed you here, dude!’

“And he said something about how it was a shame that I wasn’t working anymore. They said the seniors have wasted their best junior. Or something like that.”

‘ If only they never made you take that case, you’d still be kicking asses here. ’

“And might have…” he trails off, “I might have drowned in my own thoughts about that for the whole day. Just, you know, the usual thing. Regretting that I took that case back then, imagining how I’d be doing my job if only I was still there, thinking about those long years in law school. Just… I felt useless and forsaken.”

He thought the world had ruined him, including himself.

If he never took that crime case, he would’ve never met that defendant. Then he wouldn’t have been beaten up almost to death by the goons the defendant had somehow managed to send on his way despite being locked up in jail. Then those goons wouldn’t have taken him to an abandoned building where they did more beating and torturing on him.

Then they wouldn’t have done those horribly, severely inappropriate things on his body with their hands.

‘ Dude, have you ever fucked a boy before? ’

‘ I haven’t… should I try? ’

‘ There’s a bottle over here if you’re not sure yet. ’

‘ Sounds fun. Strip him. ’

Then they wouldn’t have done that thing to him, wrecking him even at the inside, making him wish he could just be burned down into ashes after feeling so dirty and disgusting.

Then he wouldn’t have woken up in the hospital room and lost his will to talk for weeks. He wouldn’t have to watch his family crying because of him. He wouldn’t have attempted to take his own life several times because he was so fed up with himself, of the chaos he had caused.

His life wouldn’t have been thrown off its track.

He’d still be a prosecutor by now.

“Should we take a break?”

Minseok’s voice pulls him out of the water. He shakes his head, giving his friend and psychiatrist an assuring smile. “I’m fine.” he nods. “I can do this.”

His friend’s gaze on him is observant. “Alright.” Minseok writes down on the paper. “That was the trigger of the episode that happened two weeks ago, right after your birthday. And the episode went on as it was usually, am I right?”

“Yeah. Except that Chanyeol didn’t expect me to go into one. He didn’t know about that call yet at that time. So I woke up here, and he had to figure out how to explain to me why I woke up in someone else’s house. In the end he just implied that we were strangers who spent a night together.”

‘ I’m Chanyeol. You’re in my bed. ’

The thing about the episodes that are caused by his Post Traumatic-Stress Disorder mixed with Dissociative Identity Disorder is that whenever he’s in an episode, he wakes up as his twenty seven years old self, thinking he’s still a prosecutor and that he’s in Bucheon only for a short vacation which was suggested by his seniors. It resets his memory every time, making him oblivious to the fact that he’s now married to a doctor named Park Chanyeol, that his role models in romance Kim Minseok and Kim Jongdae have broken up and Kim Jongdae himself already has a little family of his own, his family dog Mongryong has died for a couple of years, and that he’s not alright. So everytime it happens, Chanyeol always makes sure he’s not shocked by the drastic changes; he had it bad a few times, and it must've scarred his husband.

And whenever he’s out of the episodes, the memories stay with him, torturing him for days, even weeks, even months.

He still wonders how his life became so messed up like this.

“It only lasted for a day. The next morning I woke up and went home as soon as I could. Chanyeol acted like it was nothing big, as if nothing happened, and I guess that's what I wanted that time. He just hugged me the moment I showed up home and that was it. We went on with our daily things. It was peaceful for a few days, until sometime after the weekend, we got into a verbal fight.”

“Verbal fight? How did it start?”

Leaning back against the couch, Baekhyun lets out a sigh while he stares up at the ceiling. “I said something not cool.”

‘ You didn’t have to pity me so much that you stayed here to babysit me. ’

“That was cruel.” Minseok whistles.

“I know.” he agonizes. “I’m still very sorry about that. Chanyeol might be over it already, he’s just that kind. But I still regret it so much.”

“And things escalated from that?”

“It escalated quickly.”

‘ You think I stayed here and literally ignored the invitations I got from hospitals in Seoul just because I pity you? ’

‘ Oh, great, the Park Chanyeol, my savior, he wasted his future to keep the leash on me. Good job! Why did you fucking do that, then? ’

‘ How many times do I have to tell you I stayed here because I love you, Byun Baekhyun? Do you want me to repeat that like an idiot? ’

“You still doubted him.” Minseok summarizes for him.

He nods regretfully. “I doubted him.”

“Because you doubted yourself so much. You didn’t believe someone could love you that much to put you on the top of their priority list when they make huge decisions in their life.”

‘ Why would you love me? Why the fuck would you love someone like me?! ’

“You still doubt it’s really love that Chanyeol feels for you. You still think that Chanyeol married you out of pity, and he’s already too deep into it that he can’t easily walk away from you. You’re still waiting for him to leave you.”

‘ Why would that matter? Goddammit, Baekhyun, why can’t you just let me love you? ’

It’s not that Baekhyun isn’t thankful for Chanyeol. It’s not that he doesn’t love Chanyeol back. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate Chanyeol’s existence in his messed up life.

It’s just that even after three years, Chanyeol still looks too good to be true, and if the good thing will end up leaving him one day, he’d rather have it leave him soon instead of later when he has become too attached to it.

“Was that the trigger of the next episode?”

“Yes. It happened in the afternoon. Chanyeol brought me to my parent's house right after I fainted. I woke up there at night, and it was the usual things. I went to the bar, Chanyeol was there, we moved to the usual convenience store and spent the night talking. In the end I went back, and woke up as myself again in the morning. And immediately went home. But when I got to the front door, I couldn’t bring myself to come in.”

“You felt guilty.”

“I felt guilty.” Baekhyun nods slowly. “I finally saw how unfair I was. I didn’t have the courage to meet him. So I left for a walk. Called Jongdae to ease my mind…”

He pauses to see Minseok’s reaction. Minseok encourages him to continue.

“I talked with Jongdae. Told him what happened. He was so worried and asked me what he could do to help. So I told him, the next time I get into an episode again, he needs to force me out of it no matter at what cost. I can’t count on Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol never wanted to force his episode to end. His husband had told him that he wouldn’t be able to bear seeing him in pain. Maybe Chanyeol couldn’t bear to see his happy self crumble, so he let him stay oblivious to the cruelness of the world, despite having to be reduced into a stranger, having to introduce himself again and again.

“After some time, I made up my mind and went home. Turns out Chanyeol was on his ER shift.”

‘ Welcome back home :) I’m on my ER shift until 4pm today ’

“I cried right then and there. Even after I hurt his feelings, he still left me that note. It was like cold water was poured on me. So I did what I could think of; I cleaned around the house, made his favorite dishes. Even went out to buy some cheese and made the trip super quick because it was nearing his off time. Didn’t want to worry him.”

‘ Out to buy cheese at 3:45pm please don’t worry I’ll be back soon ’

“We apologized to each other. Silly, because he didn’t need to, but he still said sorry to me so many times. That night went smooth for us. For a few days we had it good. He was cheerful, I was in a good mood somehow, we both were being touchy with each other, we even made out several times.”

“Too much information.” Minseok points at him with his pen. “Too much.”

It makes him let out a chuckle. “Basically things were good between us. Then, one day, when he was on his shift, his mother called.”

‘ Can I talk to you a bit, dear? ’

“You know things were never good between me and his family. So I found it odd that she called me that day and even greeted me nicely. I should’ve known. But I listened to her anyway.”

‘ Chanyeol would not pay attention to me whenever I try to talk to him about this, then I figured out he listens to you very well, so maybe you can help me with this, Baekhyun. ’

“Could it be about the residency?”

“Of course. What else could it be?”

‘ He’s turning 30 this year. Our Chanyeol. I think it’s not wise to keep pushing back his residency. Let’s say if he signs up this year, he’d be done when he’s already 36. He used to plan his future career very meticulously, so I still can’t… I mean, I understand why he’s putting the plans on hold, but I’m afraid he’s going to abandon them altogether. ’

“After all, she just wanted Chanyeol to have a clear plan of his future.” Baekhyun closes his eyes. “But what she said after that really took a toll on me.”

‘ You want him to be successful as well, right, Baekhyun? He’s been supporting you for the past few years, you should start supporting him as well now. ’

“It had felt like I was called out for being a parasite.” he laughs bitterly. “You know that’s one of the things I’m very sensitive about. I didn’t need a reminder of the fact that I technically held Chanyeol’s future back. After that call, I went insane. I couldn’t breathe properly, my heart ached so much, I kept crying and crying. In the end, I fainted. When I woke up, I was in my old bedroom. The rest was history. You know it.”

“Chanyeol found you on the floor. He told me.” Minseok glances at the carpet beneath their feet. “He immediately drove you to your parents. Apologized again and again for not being there fast enough for you. Your dad gave him a hug, and they cried together.”

His heart wrenches at the thought of his father and Chanyeol, in each other’s arms, sobbing because of him. The best men in his life were in pain because of him.

“But I’m still in awe. This episode lasted for three days. You went to sleep, but your consciousness just won’t give up on the episode.” Minseok flips some pages over. “Dare I say, you’re not making good progress with this. You’ll never be able to predict what triggers would be the worst for you, which means we can never be sure about how long your episode would last next time. Who knows, it might go on for a week, or even a month.”

He knows it very well. That’s why he’s been so scared, which caused him to deny proper treatment for his disorders. Doing all the treatments and consuming all the medications would only make it obvious that his life is really that messed up, and he was never brave enough to accept it.

But now, for the sake of his own safety and Chanyeol, he has to step up to it.

“I’ll do the full treatment.” he tells Minseok, who now looks at him with wide eyes. “The medications too. For PTSD. I’ll take them. And I’ll do more talk therapy for the DID.”

“You…” his friend closes the document on his lap, “you will?”

He nods assuringly. “It’s time I really sober up.”

It’s for him, and for Chanyeol. As much as Chanyeol’s effort in keeping him safe and sound, he should do it for himself as well.

“That’s really great, Baekhyun. I’ll come up with schedules and prescriptions for you as soon as possible. This is great. Your family will be very pleased to hear this.”

He can’t help but smile at Minseok’s excitement. His friend might not realize that he himself is the most pleased one because of this, having been his psychiatrist for almost three years with no significant progress. He makes a note in his head to treat Minseok to dinner some time after this.

His gaze wanders to the window, but stops when he notices something yellow on the coffee table.

It’s the post-it note that he took from the fridge yesterday morning. Thinking about it now, this note wasn’t there the last time he was home before the last episode. Which means it was written after he was driven to his parents. Chanyeol must’ve written it for him to read when he comes back.

‘ Welcome home. I love you. ’

Bucheon on Summer nights is rather cool and breezy. Baekhyun pulls the doors to the balcony of their bedroom close, staying for a few more seconds to bask in the view of the night sky, before drawing the curtain.

“Were you being serious?”

He turns around to face his husband. “About what?”

“About letting me tag along in your future therapy sessions.” Chanyeol is already on the bed, under the blanket, looking comfortable in his baby blue sweater. “Are you really sure about it?”

“Of course.” he saunters across the room and hops onto his side of the bed. “Do you… want to go with me to my sessions?”

“You think? I’ve been dying to ask you that for so long.” Chanyeol grabs his hand and pulls him in immediately. “Thank you. For letting me do it.”

It’s about time that Baekhyun lets Chanyeol know he’s very welcomed in every aspect of his life.

“Wait,” he mumbles, turning around on the bed while bringing Chanyeol’s hand with him, draping it over his own figure, “this is much better.”

“But I can’t see your face.” he can actually hear Chanyeol pouting.

“But this way I can still breathe while you hug me really, really tight.”

Now he can vividly imagine Chanyeol grinning so wide it’s almost creepy. “Sounds nice.” his husband proceeds to do as he said, engulfing him in a tight embrace from behind.

He giggles when Chanyeol nuzzles his nose against the skin of his neck. “What’s with you and my neck?”

“You always spray an extra amount of cologne here.”

“I do that?”

“Definitely.”

Sounds like a lame excuse, but Baekhyun doesn’t push it further. He loves it when Chanyeol is being silly like this. Or he just loves whatever Chanyeol does, because he loves Chanyeol as a whole.

It’s his time to finally see that in the middle of the wreckage of his life, he at least has one thing right with him.

“I’ll never push you away again, Yeol.”

He feels Chanyeol stills behind him.

“I’m sorry for always doing that to you, when all you ever did was try to help me.” he closes his eyes to suppress the sudden burning feeling. “From now on, I’ll let you in. I’ll always let you in.”

He should’ve let Chanyeol in since a long time ago, because Chanyeol was always so patient knocking on his doors. Ever since that day, three years ago, when Chanyeol was the one who took him into the ER and treated his wounds. In the times Chanyeol visited him in his hospital chamber, when he had lost his will to talk. When Chanyeol helped his parents sign him out of the hospital. That one particular night when he first had his episode, when he stumbled into the bar and found Chanyeol, who then was shocked with his talkativeness. When Chanyeol finally learnt that he wasn’t alright, and learnt about the condition he was diagnosed with. When Chanyeol ended up seeing him more often than he should’ve. Those times Chanyeol dealt with his tantrums, where sometimes he ended up hurting him. When Chanyeol proposed to him; it was over a year after their first meeting, and he had looked at him like he was crazy. When Chanyeol fought for his idea through the subtlest yet most willful ways. When Chanyeol swore he would always be there for him and ended up proving it through actions in the following years.

In those times, he should’ve accepted Chanyeol as a whole. He should’ve come to Chanyeol with open arms and embrace him. He should’ve put more trust in Chanyeol, as much as his husband deserves. So from now on, he’s going to do all of those. He’s going to believe in goodness again, especially when it’s in the form of this wonderful man holding him from behind.

From now on, he’s letting the entirety of Park Chanyeol be in his life.

At this point, Chanyeol must've figured out that he purposely turned his back on Chanyeol so he wouldn’t have to see him break down. “Thank you.” his husband tells him nonetheless, peppering kisses all over his shoulder. “Thank you, Baek.”

He should be the one thanking his husband. He’s gone through a lot in keeping him intact. Letting him fully should’ve been done since ages ago.

“Can I see you?” Chanyeol whispers to his ear, ever so sweetly, ever so warmly. He turns his head aside and finds him looking down at him, eyes dripping with emotions. “You’re so beautiful.”

It only urges more tears to roll down from his eyes, but he pays it no heed as he lets Chanyeol take his lips in a soft, chaste kiss. No rush, no heat, just him sending his heart out for Chanyeol to hold.

Baekhyun has never been hopeful in a long time, but tonight, he can feel that things are starting to go down the right path.

===

Sunlight greets him like a loyal friend in the morning.

His still sleepy eyes wander around the room, at the pristine white ceiling, at the navy blue curtain and the similarly navy blue single couches across him, at the light grey walls, and lastly at the dark turquoise blanket that drapes on his figure. It's peaceful. Everything that he sees soothes him, as if assuring him he's in the right place to be.

He gets up to sit, head feeling a little bit light from sleep. Trying to untie the knots in his limbs, he stretches out his arms for a moment before relaxing them again. Then he turns to his side, and finds someone standing under the doorframe across the room.

Tall figure, disheveled bed hair, round eyes complementing strong facial features, built body. Did he win a jackpot some time ago?

“I’m Chanyeol.” the guy says, voice almost small and hesitant. “You’re in my bed.”

Warmth surges through his veins.

“I’m Baekhyun.” he replies. “This is our bed, mind you.”

When Chanyeol breaks into a titter, Baekhyun wonders how did he survive all those years not knowing this person, not seeing this beautiful soul.

- fin -