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It was supposed to be a simple night hunt, nothing out of the ordinary. Some fierce corpses here and there, nothing they couldn’t handle. Then came the fire.
Xue Yang didn’t know where it came from or who brought it here, but suddenly there were loud crashes, unknown noises he’d never heard before, accompanied by high trees breaking under emerging flames licking up their bark. Xiao Xingchen heard it too, but he didn’t know what was going on. How could he? There was no malevolent energy, just the cracking of fire making its way toward them, roaring convulsions coming closer and closer. Xue Yang stumbled over a stone in an attempt to get away, belatedly noticing a thin thread connected to it. The trap didn’t activate immediately, maybe he could still – “Xiao Xingchen!” He’s never called him that name in all the years they’ve lived together, never used his real voice, but now he did. Channelling his energy, he pushed the other away, far enough for him to feel nothing but the heat of a new blast on his face.
Xue Yang is lying on the ground, his eyes unable to focus and his ears ringing, pain washing over him and clouding his senses. His lungs and his throat are burning and taking his ability to speak, gaping wounds all over his body making it impossible to move. He hears Xiao Xingchen get down on the ground, frantically trying to find him. “Xiaoyou,” he calls out, his voice shaken. He’s getting closer soon enough. Eventually, a hand touches his leg, only the lack of energy holding him back from screaming in pain. He’s lifted up oh so carefully, but it hurts, it hurts so much, and he finally slips out of consciousness.
“I know you can see,” Xiao Xingchen says as soon as he feels A-Qing’s presence. “I need you to see for me now.” He doesn’t waste any time on explanations, passing by her, straight towards their bed, laying his friend down as gently as possible. He’s felt a shallow breath against his neck all the way back. The other isn’t dead yet, but he will be soon if his wounds go untreated for any longer.
The body in front of them is covered in blood, barely holding on. A-Qing points the worst wounds out to him, and Xiao Xingchen tries to close them up or at least slow the bleeding. They wash the blood off him, change his bandages whenever they’re soaked red; they try their best to keep him alive. The bleeding stops after a few hours, the wounds slowly closing up over the days, but he doesn’t regain consciousness.
Then the fever starts.
Xiao Xingchen tells A-Qing to take all their money, to find a doctor who can help. She’s already out the door when he feels a touch on his hand, barely there, but intentional.
“You can’t,” a weak voice calls out. It’s a voice he’d recognise amongst thousands, a voice he’d never forget. Xue Yang laid himself bare when he called out to him before he was wounded, but Xiao Xingchen hadn’t expected him to keep his walls down.
“You’re awake,” he states, a wave of relief washing over him before it’s replaced by worry once again. “You need a doctor, xiaoyou. You’ll die without one.”
There’s a moment of silence between them, and Xue Yang stares up at the ceiling.
“Dying feels better than I thought, Daozhang.”
All his life, he’d thought he’d die alone one day. Starving in a dark alley, an infection in his hand spreading out and getting the best of him, beaten to death by some rich asshole, broken by another nameless face he’d sold his body to for a single meal, tortured and thrown out to die by Jin Guangyao – he was alone, in every single version of his death, he was left all on his own just like in the rest of his entire miserable life. But he’s not alone this time. Xiao Xingchen is with him, sitting right beside him, and maybe dying is not so scary after all.
He can see Xiao Xingchen’s face contort, and maybe, just maybe, Xue Yang’s physical pain feels a little smaller than the pain Xiao Xingchen must feel deep in his chest, if only for a moment.
“Hold on for just a little longer, okay? The doctor will be here soon.” It’s not much consolidation in this situation, not at all what Xue Yang wants. A doctor will come, and then? Then they’ll starve in order to pay a price way too high for his worthless life.
“Stop wasting your money on unimportant things,” he mumbles, tearing his eyes away. They could have had much better meals if only he’d stopped spending money on candy. If he’d stopped caring so much about the tiny things that made them happy, if he’d concentrated on survival instead of giving them something worth living for.
“You’re important to us,” Xiao Xingchen says, and it breaks his heart. He needs to put some distance between them, quickly, before it’s too late, so he decides to tell him the one thing he didn’t ever want him to know. “You wouldn’t say that if you knew who I am.”
Xiao Xingchen knows. He’s suspected it before, but within the last few days, he grew certain of his assumption. And even though he should be disgusted, should hate the man in front of him, he doesn’t want to let him go just yet. Slowly, he reaches out and takes a shaking left hand in his own, caressing it with his thumb, then closing it over a missing pinkie. The other doesn’t pull away this time, lacking the energy to move.
“I can’t let you die, Xue Yang.”
There’s a tiny sob, and Xiao Xingchen finally realises his xiaoyou is crying.
“Why are you making it so hard to let go?” he asks, his voice so faint it’s barely heard through the sobs.
“Because you deserve another chance. A-Yang, please…” Xiao Xingchen doesn’t quite know why he’s so desperate for Xue Yang, for the man who took so much from him, to stay alive. During the few years they’ve spent together, something must have changed inside Xue Yang’s heart, must have opened up and allowed him to live. They were happy. He can’t let it go now, no matter their past.
He tightens the grip around his hand, holding it against his chest. “You feel my heartbeat, right? Can you hold on to that? Can you stay with me?”
There’s no reply, and for the first time in years, Xiao Xingchen wishes he hadn’t given up his sight. “Xue Ya-“
"I lo-", Xue Yang starts at the same time, desperately gasping for enough air to speak his mind, but a cough interrupts him. It sounds painful and wet, shaking his entire body. Xiao Xingchen didn’t need his eyes to know there must be blood. A-Qing should be back soon. He’ll survive and get better again. They’ll eat cheap and bland food for a while, but soon there would be candy again, two pieces every day. They’ll be happy together. They’ll confess to each other properly, and maybe they’ll even become a proper family.
"Tell me again later, okay?" Xiao Xingchen feels wetness creeping into the corner of his eyes, running over his cheeks shortly after, "you must tell me again later, promise me."
Xue Yang nods, his mind almost too far gone to realise the other can’t see him. When he remembers, he gently presses the hand in his, drowning in the unfamiliar warmth against his pinkie finger for what must be the first time in his life. It’s not scary, he thinks, as his body relaxes and his hand slips out of Xiao Xingchen’s grip.
He doesn’t come back to tell him again, but he does wait patiently for Xiao Xingchen to meet him in another life with fewer obstacles.