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There was a bag over his head. It smelled like shit, which given the situation Izuku was in, really had him worried. Given how long it took to get blood out of his curly hair, he really wasn’t looking forward to seeing how long it would take to get that off his head. Todoroki and Bakugo certainly wouldn’t be pleased by the smell.
Speaking of the two, Izuku let out a groan. God was he in for a lecture when he got back. One was enough, but two? And knowing Bakugo, he’d call up Uraraka just so Izuku could get three lectures for the price of two. Izuku should have never let those two become friends, they both gave him so much shit.
He had been on patrol, had dropped his guard for a second (listen it was one of the new hero graduates he had never seen before and he just had to figure out who they were okay he refuses to fall behind in hero news) and had been nabbed. It was a jab to the side, a plunge of a needle, and he was out of it. It was embarrassing, to say the least, and he was relieved that the only person around had been…
Fuck. The UA grad. Izuku listened hard, hearing ragged breathing to his left. Fuck. The goddamn kid got caught in this shit too.
“Hey, uh, kid? That you?” Izuku called out, feeling pretty awkward and holding back a gag at the smell of the bag. Seriously, these guys couldn’t have washed this thing? He was the number one hero! Not to toot his own horn or anything, but Izuku felt like he was worth the minimum effort of giving the shit-bag a scrub first. They could have at least put a goddamn car freshener in here—he’d even take a pine tree, even though he’d have to put up with the jokes for a solid 6 months afterward.
“D-Deku? I’m so sorry! I was completely caught off guard and got us both caught, I’m so sorry!” It was a young voice, male, and sounded absolutely terrified. Izuku sighed, this one would be absolutely hopeless. As far as kidnappings went this was pretty tame, shit bag aside.
“It’s fine, quick question though—does your bag also smell like shit or did they just decide to suffocate me first?” Izuku leaned forward, feeling his hands cuffed down to the arms of a metal chair. His ass was already numb from sitting for too long, and his ankles were also cuffed to the chair. A quick delve into One For All told him that they were quirk-canceling. At this point he wouldn’t even leave, he just wanted to readjust and take the bag off his head before he vomited.
“No, um, my bag smells...pretty bad, actually. A-Are you hurt?” The hero called out, and Izuku hummed. His ribs were cracked, but that was it. He had hurt himself more on his way to the toilet this morning.
“Not yet, you?”
“N-No, I’m not hurt at all.” That was good, Izuku was sure the kid could stick it through this. He just had to talk to the dumbass who nabbed them even while Izuku had his earpiece in and they’d be home free—and hopefully he’d be home in time for dinner. It was soba night and Izuku would be damned if he missed Todoroki’s cooking—soba was the only thing that man could cook, but god damn if he wasn’t good at it.
“That’s good,” Izuku was too tired to put on the hero-voice, but did his best to sound relieved anyway because this kid didn’t deserve the brunt of his annoyed-bitchiness right now, “we just gotta wait for these guys to come give us the 'Talk' and I’ll get us right out of here, alright? Just chill and don’t breathe through your mouth because trust me, you do not want to vomit in these bags.”
Right on cue, Izuku heard a door open and close with a stereotypical clang. Heavy footsteps, knuckles cracking, and a cleared throat clued in Izuku that the villain of the day was standing right in front of him. He had sat through enough of these to anticipate the big starting speech and decided to interrupt before the other could get his groove on.
“Hey, so like, not to break the tension but can you tell me why you didn’t wash this bag before you did this?” Izuku sassed, "I'm pretty sure it's common courtesy to at least put it through a washer-dryer cycle at a cleaner. C'mon man, are you new at this?"
Izuku blinked as the bag was roughly pulled off his head, the bright lights a shock to his senses that had adjusted to the dark. He came face to face with a big, beefy man wearing a full-body leather suit and a spiked harness. Izuku was sure that if he hadn’t gone nose-blind to the smell of shit, he would have smelled this guy from across the room.
“Ah, I see: it was to prepare me for this. Clever. Tell me, when was the last time you took that off, big guy?” Izuku quipped, watching as the beefy man glared at him before stepping to the other hero and ripping the bag off his head as well. As Izuku had guessed, the other hero was a young man. He had his hair cut short and a rather stereotypical spandex costume with the insignia of a baseball bat on it. Izuku felt a hand on his chin and his head was tugged back to see another man standing in front of him. This one was tall and lanky, a half-mask obscuring the left side of his face, leaving just the right to peer down at him. The other had a slightly seductive smile on, pin-straight silver hair framing porcelain skin and causing a bright violet eye to sparkle in contrast. He gave off the air of thinking he was a top and was done up in heavy BDSM gear in white with accents of purple.
Izuku could appreciate the dedication to aesthetics, but the guy looked so ridiculously stereotypical that Izuku wasn’t sure if he hadn’t seen about 50 other guys that looked exactly like him in the past month or so.
“Deku…finally, I have you where I want you…” The man crooned, long nails tracing Izuku’s jaw. They were painted a pastel purple and were actually very stunning—he felt bad that the other had turned into such a basic-bitch villain if he was so dedicated to the role that he had put himself through the agony of acrylics. God knows Izuku couldn't do it.
“Listen, just let us go. I really don’t have the willpower to sit through the speech today.” Izuku sighed, tipping his head to the side so he could focus on the earpiece in his ear. It was quiet but still buzzing just enough to tell him that it was on. He was definitely being tracked—if he could, Izuku would bet money on Bakugo getting here first, just so he had the extra time to make fun of him for getting caught by such a basic-bitch villain. Izuku glanced over to the other hero, silently cursing the other’s presence. There was no way in hell Izuku would be getting kinky you-got-kidnapped-and-cuffed-to-a-chair bondage sex out of this if the kid was here—Bakugo was not the exhibitionist that Todoroki was. Maybe he’d be better off if the other husband managed to get here first.
“Now, now, save the begging for later sweetie, I’m just getting started! I’ll have you screaming my name soon enough…” The man slid his nails through Izuku’s hair, ruffling the curls before stepping around to gesture at the other hero in the room. Izuku scowled at that—Todoroki had taken extra time to help him comb it out this morning, a task akin to fighting off a hoard of Nomus while dancing the macarena. Izuku did not appreciate his husband's hard work being ruined so easily.
“False Swallow! I knew you had to be behind this!” The other hero yelled out, and Izuku nearly choked on his own spit in surprise, all thoughts on his hair leaving his head. No fucking way was the guy named that. That had to be a joke or some sort of personal jab.
“Now now, mister Meat Bat, no need for yelling…let me have my fun with mister Deku here and then we’ll play.”
Izuku could cry. He really could. He was going to be able to tell this story for months. He could become a stand-up comedian after this. He could probably make more money off of trying to say those stupid fucking names with a straight face than he could off of doing this job in the first place.
“You two cannot be goddamn serious. Those are not your names.” Izuku tried to crane around, catching the gaze of the other hero.
“You did not seriously name yourselves Meat Bat and False Swallow.” Izuku felt pure, childish joy fill his chest at the twos’ slow nods, holding back laughter. All he could think was how much Bakugo was going to love this when he and Todoroki came and got his dumbass. The blonde was a sucker for stupid innuendos like this.
“W-Well, what’s wrong with it?” The hero challenged, cheeks flushing as Izuku let out a peal of laughter and the cuffs around his wrists strained to keep him against the chair. The villain, False Swallow apparently, also gave a similarly puzzled look.
“Now, now, mister Deku, we can’t have you laughing too hard. Barty, dear? Hold him down for me.” The beefy man nodded, stepping over behind Izuku and grabbing him by the shoulders. He yanked Izuku back, holding him flush against the back of the seat and the other’s stomach. The leather the other was wearing was sweaty and gross, and Izuku prayed that somebody got here soon because he could not deal with the sensation of sweaty leather on the back of his neck like this.
The other, False Swallow (he’d be laughing about that for a while), walked back to him and stood in front of him. The flirty-threatening facade he had going was already showing cracks, which wasn’t good. The other really had to practice keeping that together for the future, Izuku thought. He could respect that the other was trying his best, though.
“Mister Deku, number 1 hero, certainly a handsome face…what to do with you? You have something I want, and you’re really in no place to hold out on me, are you? Unless you want to play?” False Swallow fluttered his lashes, and Deku felt uncomfortably like he was helping this villain cheat on his chosen hero. He was not a homewrecker, and if he and this Meat Bat guy had a thing going than Izuku didn't want to get in the way of that, you know?
“I have no clue what you mean. Mind filling me in?” He shot back, trying to crane his head away from the guy behind him because seriously, sweaty leather felt disgusting. He was going to take a 3-hour shower after this.
“Oh, you should know—who else could tell me the whereabouts of All For One’s remaining laboratory than the one who defeated him? If I’m to take on the League of Villains than I need only the best facilities after all.” False Swallow singsonged, and Izuku openly rolled his eyes to the shock of the villain.
“God, you might as well have asked me for the Krabby Patty Secret Formula. There’s no secret lab, we destroyed them all. You’d have been better off just asking Shigaraki, do you want me to give you his number?” Izuku’s head jerked to the side as he was punched across the cheek, a loud yell coming from the hero—Meat Bat, god what a fucking riot that name was going to cause—behind him.
“I thought that was what you were going to say, of course, you could never make it easy for me—that’s no fun,” False Swallow stepped away, twirling his finger to indicate to the big man behind him to switch places. Instead, now it was the villain behind him with his hands on his shoulders, giving a half-assed shoulder rub and leaning down to whisper in Izuku’s ear. “But that’s okay, mister Deku because Barty can get you to talk. We can just break each finger slowly, one by one. I’m sure not even the number 1 hero can stand against the pain for too long…”
Izuku cocked his eyebrow at the beefy man in front of him, a smirk breaking his features into a cocky expression he knew only increased his chances of getting his shit rocked by the sweaty dude in front of him. Breaking bones? Did these guys not know who he was? He broke bones as a fucking party trick these days, much to Recovery Girl's many curses.
“Go right ahead. See where it gets you.”
The first break gave a satisfying crack, his finger easily bending backward in a motion so familiar it was practically natural. The snap of bones and joints didn't phase him, but pulled a loud yell of anger from the hero behind him.
"You sick bastard! You'll pay for this, False Swallow!" Meat Bat cried out, and Izuku only rolled his shoulders and settled into his seat. He gave Barty—was that even this poor guy's name?—a shit-eating grin.
"Settle in, Barty, cause you got a long day ahead of you. Hope you're not squeamish."
The nails in his shoulders only traced circles against him, "I love how feisty you are, mister Hero, but we'll see to it that we break that for you." False Swallow crooned, gesturing for the next finger to be snapped.
…
It had been an hour at this point, and the hilarity had worn off. All his fingers had been broken, then dislocated, then the wrists snapped and twisted, and now they were at the elbows. The cuffs had stayed on, acrylic nails digging sharply into the skin of his shoulders as False Swallow let out an impatient hiss as the snap of Izuku's elbow being cracked and bent the opposite direction didn’t even garner a grunt from the bored hero.
“This is fucking ridiculous! How are you not even reacting?!” The villain released Izuku's shoulders to rub at his temples, obviously nursing a migraine. Izuku could sympathize, but he was bored out of his skull and maybe feeling some actual pain would make this experience more interesting.
“You do realize that I’m used to breaking every bone in my body right? Most of my nerves are dead.” Izuku quipped, cracking his stiff neck and letting out a sigh. He craned around to look at Meat Bat, who was sitting there half shell-shocked and half-bored—how that emotional mix up made sense, Izuku didn’t know, but it was one of those weird amalgamations of emotions that were painfully relatable on a spiritual level.
“How you holding up, kid?” Izuku ignored the indignant noise that False Swallow made, as well as the snap of his other arm being snapped backward. Meat Bat made a noise as the crack of bone punctured the air, glancing away. Izuku couldn’t blame him, he felt the blood sliding down his arm—the bone must have punctured through the skin, Recovery Girl was not going to be happy with him. He was sure to the newbie this sight was something out of his worst nightmares. But to Izuku? This was Wednesday.
“I mean, I guess I’ve been worse.” Meat Bat responded, gagging slightly on the smell of blood. Izuku nodded, glancing down at his arm and wincing. Ooh, that would definitely be painful for anybody else. Too bad it was him, and he was bored as shit.
“I get that man. Just give me a sec, I’ll get this over with.” Izuku turned back to False Swallow, who looked just as tired as him. Izuku could sympathize.
“Listen, man, let me cut a deal with you cause it’s hard to take you seriously when you look like you raided the closet of a 60-year-old BDSM fetishist,” Izuku adjusted his hips, his ass so numb it was tingling and honestly that was more unbearable than the broken bones, “by the way, how did you even get into Midnight’s apartment? The poor woman has to get her rocks off somehow, I know for a fact she blew half her winter bonus on the harness you’re wearing. You really need to return it to her.”
False Swallow gave him a dry look, and Izuku chuckled to himself. Tough crowd, apparently. “Begging for your life already? What makes you think I’m going to cut a deal with you, hero?” the villain snipped.
“Hardly. Listen, if I go ahead and break my femurs will you fuck off and let me take a nap until either Ground Zero or Shoto get here? Cause my tracker has been on this whole time and knowing those two they’ve bet dishwashing duty on whoever gets to me first.”
False Swallow froze, “You…have a tracker on?”
Izuku nodded, suddenly feeling sorry for the rookie villain in front of him. So dedicated to the aesthetic, so dedicated to the plan, yet so naive. Izuku remembered when Shigaraki made the same mistake with kidnapping Bakugo—he was quite proud of how much his nemesis had grown in their time fighting against each other. There was no way in hell Shigaraki would forget to check for trackers these days. He wondered what the other was up to—his birthday was soon, wasn't it? Izuku would have to send him more hand-lotion.
“You really are brand new to this, aren’t you?” Izuku sighed, finally having had enough. He twisted at the shoulder, yanking smoothly and snapping the metal of the handcuff off the chair while his bones made a sickening crunch. He didn’t bother looking, knowing from experience that that particular sound looked a lot more horrific than it sounded.
“Oh Jesus Christ—” Meat Bat threw up behind him, and Izuku would have to buy the guy lunch later to make up for putting the other through this shit. The guy wouldn’t be able to look Izuku in the eyes after this.
“Barty! Hold him down!” False Swallow cried out, only for a loud explosion to blast in the far wall across the warehouse. Izuku glanced over, smiling wryly as he saw one of his two husbands standing in the center of the new doorway.
“Really didn't want to get stuck with washing dishes this month, huh honey?” Izuku teased, smiling brightly at the annoyed blonde as those crimson eyes sought him out and gave him a quick once-over.
“You look like shit.” Bakugo Katsuki called back, stepping through the rubble and shooting a sharp red-eyed gaze at False Swallow, who was standing there wide-eyed and panicky. Ground Zero scowled as he took in the other's outfit, recognizing the BDSM get up and making the same connection Izuku had earlier.
“Are you the dude who raided Midnight’s BDSM stash? She’s been giving the whole office shit for weeks, fucker.” Bakugo stalked over, raising one gauntlet and letting off an earth-shattering explosion to intercept Barty as False Swallow commanded shrilly that he attack. The leather-clad man was flung across the room, crashing into a stack of pallets and slamming into the wall with an audible crack. Izuku let out an empathetic wince—no doubt the man’s spine was fucked from that impact. That would not be a fun recovery.
“Gentle on them, Zero, they’re rookies.” Izuku called out, propping his chin up on his one free arm as the blonde hero gave him an annoyed glance.
“Oh, we’ll talk about gentle once you’re out of that chair. Shoto has dibs on first hour, and I get after dinner.”
Izuku groaned, “Do I get a break from lectures during dinner at least?”
False Swallow finally revealed his quirk, taking off into the air in the form of a small bird (Izuku honestly should have known). Bakugo barely glanced upwards before firing a single AP Shot into the air and shooting the villain out of the air, still holding eye contact with Izuku. False Swallow crashed into the ground, shifting back and clutching his bleeding side with a pained groan and a litany of curses and promises of vengeance. The standard stuff. Both older heroes ignored him.
Bakugo Katsuki gave him a sharp grin, “Nope. Uraraka and Aizawa are splitting the dinner lecture time.” The blonde stalked over, letting out a cackle at Izuku’s loud yell of distraught.
“God, both of them?! Kacchan, please, have mercy!”
“You also have laundry duty for a month. You lost the bet,” The blonde snarked, grimacing at the sight of Izuku’s arms, “Fuck, ‘Zuku. You really pissed them off, huh?”
Izuku rolled his eyes as Bakugo snapped the other handcuff off, and then worked on the ones on his ankles as the police started streaming in and apprehending the villains and helping Meat Bat from his own cuffs. Finally, he was able to stand, his lower body having fallen asleep from sitting for so long.
“Yeah, well, I learned from the best didn’t I?” Izuku let himself be helped up, a sharp slap to his ass causing him to shoot a glare at the blonde. Bakugo gave a sharp laugh, running a gloved hand through Izuku’s curls and roughing them up. Izuku rolled his eyes, a small smile peeking through before he leaned away with an admonishment about how much work Todoroki had put in that morning to neaten them up. Bakugo scoffed and ruffled his hair again, giving him a private smile.
“You sure did, fucker. Let's get your dumbass to Recovery Girl so she can lecture you first. Half-and-Half should have dinner waiting at home since I got here first.”
“Yeah, how far off was he? You both took longer than I thought you would.” Izuku let himself be led to one of the ambulances, opting to stand as he tried to get feeling back into his legs. “And do you mind scratching the center of my shoulders? I’ve had an itch for the past 30 minutes and they wouldn’t even get it for me and now my arms are backwards so I can’t get it.”
“Rude bastards, and about 3 blocks. He overestimated Birdy-Fuck and thought he’d bring you to one of the buildings closer to the water. Reception out here is so shitty that we weren't exactly sure where you two were.” Bakugo reached around, stripping off his glove and gauntlet and digging his hand in between Izuku’s shoulder blades, the other arm steadying Izuku as he tried to get feeling back into his limbs.
“I’m guessing you’re gonna give him shit about it for a while?” Izuku groaned, leaning into the other as he let his body relax. He could see Recovery Girl making her way over—she must have checked out Meat Bat first, the poor kid had a rough day—speaking of…
Izuku cracked a smile and let out a laugh; “By the way, did I tell you the names of the hero and Birdy? You’ll absolutely love this.”
Bakugo glanced behind him to see Recovery Girl on her way over and shot him a smirk; “Trying to get out of your lecture?”
“You know me so well.” This got him a cuff on the back of the head, and a pinch to the rear.
“Let me hear it.” Bakugo pretended to be disinterested, but Izuku knew his husband better. Each year the names got dumber and dumber, and accidental innuendos were the blonde's absolute favorites. Izuku and Todoroki had begun collecting them to tell the blonde, competing to see who could get the better one.
Izuku snickered, letting himself lean into his husband and relax fully; “Meat Bat and False Swallow.”
A pause, a smothered snicker, and then: “You’re fucking with me.”
…
The fact that the blonde nearly cried from laughter made the rest of the afternoon’s lecturing worth it in Izuku’s eyes. When he told Todoroki later that night, the other let out an amused groan and told him to go to sleep before he froze his stupid ass to the bed to keep him from going to work the next morning. Izuku only laughed, and let himself be confined to his bed by both of his husbands. He promised that he would be more careful from now on, but all three of them knew it was a lie.
However, he put $25 on Todoroki being the next one kidnapped—he had managed to get out of it for the past 2 years, no way in hell was the other’s luck going to keep holding out. If not, Izuku would just have to team up with Bakugo so they could both kidnap their husband themselves.