Chapter Text
Dirty kisses:
Chapter 1:
Levi was trying his hardest to touch as little as possible. He had already folded his legs until they were screaming at him to stop, but short of actually hovering in mid-air, he couldn’t think of any way to keep even more of himself off the bed. The constant pressure in the pit of his body bellowing at him to urinate wasn’t helping him concentrate. He’d been holding in all waste for almost three days now, but he’d gone longer than that before. He’d wound up in the hospital once holding it in for almost a week. The doctors there had shouted at him a lot for that one, but he’d just tuned them out and sworn that he’d never try to quit drinking again. A promise he’d been intent on keeping until Hanji had burst back into his life like a caterwauling, and highly out of tune banjo. Now he was here in the rehab center, in forced sobriety, and he’d never felt so unclean in his life.
Somewhere in the distance he heard a scream. There were a lot of screams here at all hours of the night and day. They were screams of desperation in response to the substances that were crawling their way out of their bodies. Levi might have felt bad for them if he weren’t so wrapped up in himself right now and the fear that pricked every inch of his skin like rusted darts.
He was trying to calm his breathing. He’d already had two full blown panic attacks since he’d gotten here despite his best efforts, and each time the response had been traumatizing. Staff had rushed into here with their filthy hands and filthy instruments, claiming they were clean, but Levi knew better. He knew that even if they looked clean they weren’t. Disease and filth crawled on all of them, invisibly, and they did nothing to stop it. He’d lost each battle when he’d been forcibly held down by three of them and injected, by a fourth, with a tranquilizer. But each time he would wake up and each time he would feel filthier and the cycle would start all over again. He was determined to keep quiet this time. He refused to let anything or anyone else touch him ever again. The part of the mattress touching his skin would have to be dealt with eventually of course. He would attempt to scrub it clean once he was allowed out of here, and if that didn’t work he’d just have to scrape off the skin. The pain of that was so worth the feeling of being clean. He knew, even though he didn’t know it recently until now. Alcohol had taken care of that, keeping the disease at bay, making the urgency of cleaning lower, dulled. And he needed that alcohol now. He needed it more than his cells did as they cried out in their thirst. It was a mental need that went as deep as all his fears. He’d tried bribing the staff but it hadn’t worked. This was Hanji’s facility, and even though he hadn’t yet seen her since he’d been brought here--she was upstate overseeing her wife’s recovery from surgery--he could see that her handiwork had ensured that none of them took him up on his multiple offers.
Another breath, come on, stupid lungs, you know how to do this--at least, you should know how to do this, he coached himself. There was a reason he’d never dedicated his life to motivational speaking--he sucked at it. His breaths were very shallow now and he was starting to feel lightheaded. He tried to focus on the pain in his gut to ground him, but it wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough to distract him from the burn of the filth. Nothing, that is, until the door cracked open and possibly the handsomest man Levi had ever laid eyes on walked in through the door.
At first he thought it was a mirage induced by alcohol craving delirium, but no, the man was just as solid as everything else in the room if not more so.
He was tall. Well, everyone looked tall to Levi, but he was especially tall, definitely over six feet. And he was blonde, and he had the most flawless forearms Levi had ever seen. He was sure the rest of the man was just as perfect if the way he filled out his clothes was anything to go by, but unfortunately all Levi could see of the man were his head and forearms, and that was entirely too little for him, because, surprisingly enough, the man managed to somehow make it onto his pain filled and tortured radar. The man reached back and tugged the door behind him and Levi drank in the way the man’s neck twisted as he did so. But it wasn’t until the man, turned around and looked directly at him, did he let out a gasp.
Jesus Christ, He’s fucking faultless. His eyes were sucked into the man’s clear blue ones. They were astonishingly sharp, and they pierced Levi all the way down to his poor overfull bladder with one cutting glance. He already felt like he couldn’t take any more, but when he saw the way the man’s eyes were framed by the strongest most perfectly shaped eyebrows he’d ever seen, he practically swooned. The only thing that kept him from toppling over onto the mattress was the fear of allowing any more of his skin to touch the hated material.
Keep it together, you idiot, he’s only human, he thought. But the man didn’t look human. He looked like a chiseled statue. And then the statue spoke.
“Where is it okay for me to be?”
Damn, he thought, even his voice is stupidly beautiful. Like polished mahogany or something cheezy like that. His state of shock, plus his general lack of understanding, prevented him from answering. But the newcomer wouldn’t accept that. He pushed again. “I mean where is it safe for you? Can I sit in the chair? Am I not allowed to touch anything? How far must I stand before you start to feel the panic?”
Levi understood, but the shock had only grown. This man was the first to say anything of the sort--to even think of capitulating to his madness.
“I...well, nothing’s really okay right now.”
Damn it! What the hell? If they know that they’ll just sedate you again!
But the words had just slipped out. Maybe it was the man’s eyes or maybe it was the considerate words but something had made Levi do what he’d sworn never to do again--show weakness.
The man frowned. “I see…” He didn’t say anything else for several more seconds, his frown deepening, but then he sighed and spoke again. “I know you probably want me to leave you alone right now, but you’ve also probably got a lot of urgent business you need to attend to that can’t really wait anymore, can it?”
No. It couldn’t wait. Levi’s bowels were now screaming like a band of massacred cats, but he wouldn’t just admit that so easily. He feigned ignorance. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
The man’s lips tilted upward out of the frown. “You need to take a shit, right?”
Levi blinked. He hadn’t thought men so beautiful could drop curses so easily. The man’s lips curved upward a bit more and now it could almost be called a smile. Whatever it was it was both maddening and breathtaking.
“Don’t pretend to be shocked, I hear that some of the nurses can hear you all the way in the cafeteria. Old Mary, bless her, nearly had a feinting fit after hearing some of the rather colorful words that left your mouth. You like straightforward, right? I can be straightforward.”
Levi opened his mouth to tell the man to “fuck off” realized it wouldn’t be effective, and shut his mouth again. He very rarely was at a loss for what to say and that’s why the whole thing was so disorienting for him.
Erwin pushed his sleeves up exposing even more of those glorious forearms. He was wearing a crisp white oxford and a pair of dark jeans. Not hospital attire. Who the hell was this guy?
As if reading Levi’s mind the man nodded toward him. “I’m Erwin smith, a nurse here. Have been for the last three years. I usually work down in the behavioral addiction center up on the fourth floor. I’d shake your hand but I’m sure that would result in you wrenching it from my socket and burning it so I’ll risk the impoliteness this once.”
The words shouldn’t have been all that infuriating but Levi found himself clenching his teeth. He wanted to say something--do something--that would wipe the cool calm from the man’s face but he had a feeling that shocking the man would prove difficult.
“This is what I’ve heard, feel free to correct me if any of the information is incorrect. You arrived at this facility on Sunday--”
“More like forcibly dragged here by Hanji’s favorite stool pidgeon.”
“And put into the alcohol cleansing program--”
“Fucking pussy words. ‘Cleansing’ my ass. They’re ripping it out of us.”
“But you’ve refused to engage in any of the program activities. You refuse to leave your room, or engage with any of the patients or staff here. You’ve rejected all offers to eat, defecate, accept meds, or even sleep for any significant period of time. Your failure to thrive, or even participate in the most basic necessities for survival--”
“I did ‘engage.’ I told those shit for staff pissheads how I can’t eat or touch any of their filthy crap and I’d rather starve than be poisoned and diseased.”
“Levi your interruptions aren’t exactly what I’d call enlightening.”
“No one asked you to talk, shit brows.”
That was a lie. They weren’t shit brows. He’d almost choked on the words as he’d said them. The man was still looking directly at him, his eyes eating away at all of Levi’s reason. Levi stared back, glaring as hard as he could. He would not be intimidated, or worse, turned on. He hadn’t been turned on in years. Just the idea of sex, practically the dirtiest thing he could imagine, was enough to make him retch. Especially the kind of sex he was into. The butt kind. It seemed like the world’s worst irony that a germaphobe like him had to suffer through sex that involved assholes. He’d only ever done it twice with two different guys and each time it had been filthy and awful and he never wanted to do it again. Ever. Except...this guy was stupid fucking hot. But no. Sex was disease. It was bad. And this guy had to go before his thoughts got any more ridiculous.
“Get out,” he spat. Maybe straight forward was a bit too gentle a phrase to describe his brusqueness.
“Okay,” Erwin said, and pushed his hands into his pockets. “If that’s what you really want.”
Damn the man and his stupid knowing smirk.
“That’s what I want,” Levi said, grinding his back molars together.”
Erwin shrugged. “Okay. I was going to make your dream shit come true, but if you prefer to keep it bottled up inside you until they force it out of you that’s fine by--”
“Wait. Force it out of me?”
Erwin, who had turned to go, faced forward again. “Oh yeah. If you haven’t used the bathroom before the day is out they’re going to shove a catheter in you and pump you empty.”
Levi felt the blood drain out of his face. “No.”
“They’re not going to ask your opinion on the matter.”
“No.”
“You make it sound like their decision is in my power. I’m just a lowly floor nurse, remember?”
Levi swallowed the last tattered shreds of his pride and choked out, “Please.”
He didn’t expect the word to do anything, but the sharp blue, like colored ice, of Erwin’s eyes, melted a bit, becoming liquid.
“Then let me,” he said.
Levi could feel the breaths beginning to punch out of him again.
Erwin took his hands out of his pocket and held them out in front of himself like one would do for a cornered and wounded animal. “You’ll be calling the shots. We’ll take this at your pace. You’re running the show. Just let me help you.”
There wasn’t enough air in the room. Levi looked at the man. He had wide strong hands. They were probably warm. But they were also covered in disease, toxins that would kill him. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t know how.
“I…Why are you offering this anyway? This isn’t even your ward. Why are you bothering with me? You don’t even know me.”
Erwin drew his hands back. Levi felt relieved with their distance. “I might not know you, specifically, but I know your situation. I know that desperation. I’ve seen it before, Levi. Your situation is unique, of course, to you. But I know enough to help Levi, and I’m offering it to you if you’ll take it.”
Levi didn’t know how he was supposed to be thinking clearly about the man’s words if he couldn’t even draw enough breath into his lungs. Breathe damn it! The thought didn’t work. He was breathing even harder now. Because his thoughts kept spiraling. They were going to come for him soon. They were going to force things in his body and touch him all over with their filthy hands. He would never be able to scrub it off. They would never let him scrub himself off. He’d be here forever and the torture would never end and Hanji would never come for him and he was going to die in this place and there was no one here to-- but that wasn’t true. This man was here. Erwin was here, even though all Levi knew was his name. He was here, and he was even offering to help. Sure it would still be horrible, and he would become filthy, but he was going to become filthy anyway, so wasn’t it better to do so when he at least had some control over the situation? Of course it was better. He just had to suck it up and do it. Even though his skin was already crawling and his lungs were burning and he hated this. Loathed it.
“Okay.” It came out in a gasp. Not strong in the slightest. The single syllable was all vulnerability. He looked into Erwin’s eyes. “Okay.”
Erwin looked back at him and now there was a definite smile. Soft and open. “Okay,” he said.
Why are you doing this? Trusting him? Everyone knows you can’t trust the hot ones, Levi reminded himself, but he still felt something inside of his chest settle down a bit, ease it’s fluttering, and he took in a deep breath--the first full one he’d done in a long time.
Erwin nodded. “Good. Keep doing that--breathing. You were looking pretty pale there. I’ll be right back.”
He turned around and pulled the door back open. Levi opened his mouth to protest. He’d only just allowed the guy to help and he was already leaving? But Erwin didn’t go very far. He held open the door with his foot as he leaned down to pick up a bucket he’d left by the door. Inside of it were bottles very familiar to Levi. One was a can of comet, another was some no brand ammonia. A third was Mr. Clean. The fourth was a spray bottle of Windex, but it was the fifth that made his heart skip a beat. Lysol. The unscented version. The only thing he trusted to kill the germs. He must have made some kind of movement that Erwin caught, because the man whipped his head back around and caught Levi’s look. “Yes, Hanji told me all about how much you love this stuff. I’ve got another can, unopened, that’s all for you as soon as I see that you can handle it without going dangerously spray-happy.
Erwin carried the bucket into the bathroom that every room had. If anything it was filthier than everything else in the room was, and Levi wanted no part in it. But Erwin didn’t seem to care about exposing himself to deadly disease, and soon Levi could hear the water running. A few moments later Erwin came back, the bucket filled with sudsy water, the smell of ammonia already twisting through the air. He pulled on a pair of gloves. Levi just looked at him. “What are you doing?”
It was kind of obvious what he was about to do, and the man’s raised brow said that. “Cleaning.”
“Don’t bother. I know how hospital staff do it. It’s just a way to move germs from one place to--”
“I’m not hospital staff today. And when I say I’m going to clean it, I’m going to clean it.”
He pulled out a pack of fresh washrags and dumped them into the water
“By hand?” Levi asked.
“Would you accept anything else?”
“Of course not.”
“Then yes, by hand.”
Levi could only watch as Erwin methodically took everything off the room’s surfaces and carried them out of the room--tissues, gloves, potted flowers, spare linen--everything. And then he began to clean. He started with the walls. Levi didn’t know anyone but him that cleaned walls, so that as Erwin worked, the muscles in his back and arms shifting beautifully under his skin, he could feel a slow dawn of wonder. Erwin concentrated fully on the task in front of him, not saying much, except to occasionally ask Levi about his status--if he was all right and if he was doing anything that made Levi uncomfortable. When he’d finished with the walls, Erwin began cleaning the room’s surfaces. It was a good method--top to bottom cleaning--the only way to really do things, in Levi’s opinion. But when the blonde was left with Levi’s bed he ignored it altogether and began work on Levi’s floor. He worked from one corner all the way back until he was in the bathroom, which, by the sounds that went on, he proceeded to clean. Levi didn’t like not being able to see him. He wanted to watch the man’s every movement, seeing his methods, but Erwin had already proved himself extraordinarily methodical. Not quite like Levi--no one could be that good--but he was excellent. Going over every spot several times and changing the water at the smallest sign of murkiness. The process took hours. It had been morning when Erwin had first showed up but it was already midafternoon when the man returned to stand in front of Levi. Erwin hadn’t stopped once in all that time. Not to eat, drink, check his phone, stretch, or do any of the things most normal people would do after hours of work. Levi himself hadn’t had any water to drink in more than 24 hours. The more the alcohol came out of his system the worse the fear of his dirt became and it was yesterday that the idea of having water, even if it came from an IV, became too much for him, and he’d refused everything.
Levi looked up at Erwin. There was a light sheen of sweat on the man’s face, but that only seemed to make him hotter. He was barefoot--he’d taken off his shoes and socks and left them out in the hallway along with everything else--and then, as if it wasn’t already bad enough. He reached up and began to slide open the buttons of his shirt.
“W-what are you doing?” Levi demanded, cursing the unevenness in his voice.
“It’s dirty, right?” Erwin said, still as crisp and calm as ever. “I can’t touch you like this.”
“Touch me?”
“Well you’re not going to walk on the floor now, right? You’ve been in that same tiny pretzel position ever since I came in here. I know you’re not going to move an inch more than possible. That’s where I come in.”
Levi let that sink in. And then he exploded. “You’re going to carry me?”
“Yes. To the bathroom.”
“It’s filthy.”
“I used straight ammonia on every surface without diluting it with water and sprayed everything twice over with Lysol. There are way fewer germs in there than on the bed you’re sitting on.”
And that’s when Levi realized something. Erwin was a genius. He hadn’t touched Levi’s bed. He’d let Levi sit in the filth because he knew Levi would do anything to sit on a cleaner surface--even if that surface was a toilet--which was exactly where Erwin wanted him to go.
“You son of a bitch…”
Erwin chuckled. “Now you sound like my mother.”
He let his shirt slide from his shoulders and onto a plastic bag he’d laid out on the now clean floor. He then reached for the button of his jeans. Levi swallowed. He hadn’t really noticed the dryness of his throat until now--he’d been too focused on his aching bladder--but now he realized how impossible swallowing had become. The man’s torso was even more flawless than he’d imagined. Hard lines of muscle were everywhere outlining a six pack that could only be described with the word “glorious.” his broad shoulders had knobs of tight muscle where his arms joined them, and his forearms, finally completely bare, could have made Levi weep if he wasn’t in so much pain already.
Erwin unzipped his jeans and began to slide them down his hips
“No. Stop.” Levi wasn’t sure where he’d found the words, but he was damn glad for them. “You can’t do that.”
Erwin stopped. “Is this making you uncomfortable?”
Levi’s eyes were glued to the man’s crotch where he could see the V of the man’s hips disappear into his black briefs. His mouth was so very dry. “Keep them on.” His voice was hoarse. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He didn’t get like this. Not him. He didn’t care about bodies. They were all filthy. He shouldn’t have cared.
Erwin nodded, slid the denim back up, and zipped it closed. “I won’t let your body touch them,” he promised. Then he reached for a giant bottle of hand sanitizer and set to work. He sprayed the outside of the bottle all over with Lysol and then popped it open and squirted a generous amount of it into his palms. He started with his right arm, at the top of the shoulder, and began to rub the gel into his skin. Levi blinked. He knew what everyone said. Hand sanitizer wasn’t good to use on anything but your hands. It would dry out your skin, and worse, if used repeatedly, would weaken your immune system because it would kill off too much bacteria leaving none for your body to fight. He’d heard the message many many times, and he was sure, that as a medical professional, Erwin had heard it even more than he had, and yet, he couldn’t even express how happy he was that the man was rubbing it onto himself right now.
Erwin didn’t miss any spots. He worked steadily, just as he’d done when he was cleaning the room, and did both his arms, and shoulders, his back and chest, and moved onto his neck. He filled in every crease and line until his skin was all wet with it. he smeared it over his entire face, over his lips and in his ears and Levi felt his eyes mist over because, for the first time, someone else was clean. Erwin went over everything twice before setting the bottle down and reaching for Levi. “Come,” he said, holding his arms open. Levi opened his fists, clenched them again, and then sprang up and threw his arms around the man.
“I’m sorry. I’m ruining--I’m making you--”
“I’ll clean myself again. However many times you want,” Erwin said as he lifted Levi to his chest, strong arms cradling him. “Don’t worry about dirtying me. Things will get dirty for a little bit but I’ll make sure to clean everything again, even better than before. I promise.”
Levi’s arm’s wound themselves around the man’s neck. His face was pressed to Erwin’s shoulder and he was breathing the smell of the hand sanitizer deep into himself as if to reassure himself that things could be clean. Erwin was sticky--but it was a good sticky--a clean sticky. And he was so warm and big and his cleanliness was safety and Levi couldn’t remember how long it had been since someone’s arms felt safe instead of suffocating but it was long enough to make his eyes mist over and squeeze shut and for a sharp thankful cry to escape from his mouth. Erwin’s hand found Levi’s hair. “It’s okay. I promise.”
Levi jerked his head in a nod even though it wasn’t because even though Erwin had been clean he was already growing dirty again because of himself and he could feel the filth in himself and hated it and was nauseated by it. And after so many hours of not moving and not drinking he was dizzy and the room was spinning.
“I’m going to bring you to the bathroom. I cleaned it about three times as well as I did this room.”
“Okay.”
“You’re being very brave.”
“I’m fucking terrified.”
“I know. I’m sorry, but we have to.”
“I can’t.”
“We’ll try. We’ll just try, Levi, okay? You’ll feel so much better afterward. Don’t you want the pain to stop?”
“Well obviously I don’t enjoy pain.”
“See? You’re already less messed up than most of the staff think you are,” Erwin said and then spun them both carefully around and made his way steadily to the bathroom.
“You’re surprisingly heavy for someone who doesn’t eat,” he commented. Levi growled low in his chest. “You calling me fat?”
“No. I was just afraid you would feel like nothing--empty. But you don’t. You’re solid. You’re still here. You’re not a husk. I carry so many husks around here, Levi, don’t become one of them.”
Levi nodded before he could think to stop himself, and then they were in the bathroom.
“I’m going to set you down now.”
“Don’t.”
“The toilet’s cleaner than I am.”
“Don’t care. Don’t want to.” But Erwin was already removing his clothes. Levi’s hand smacked up to stop him. “What do you think you’re--”
“Don’t worry. It’s nothing I haven’t already seen a thousand times before.”
“Are you saying I have an average looking penis?”
“The whole insecure thing doesn’t suit you. And your pants need to come off.”
“How come you get to keep your pants on?”
“Because you told me to.”
“Oh right.”
“Come on, Levi. Do it yourself if it makes you feel better.”
“No. Too dirty. Don’t wanna touch them.”
“So let me do it.”
“No.”
“I’m going to flush you down the toilet in a minute.”
“I hope you get electrocuted on your way back home,” Levi said, forcing himself to mean it.
Erwin sighed. “Please Levi?”
“Do you really want to see me naked that badly?”
“Yes, but not for the reason you’re thinking.”
“So you’re saying you don’t find me hot?”
“I find you infuriating.”
“You didn’t answer the question.”
“You’re definitely getting flushed now.”
Levi pressed his face back into Erwin’s shoulder. He knew that all he was doing was stalling. “Promise it’ll be okay.”
“I swear I will have you back on that bed the moment it’s been cleaned and you’ll feel much better afterword.”
“Okay.”
“I can take them off?”
“You can take them off.”
Erwin held Levi up with one hand and slipped Levi’s pants off easily with the other. They had been put on him by the staff, and he wasn’t wearing anything beneath them, but before he could feel any embarrassment about that he was already plopped down on the toilet. Erwin gripped his shoulders. “This okay, Levi?”
It wasn’t, not really, but Erwin had put in so much effort into making it this far, and so Levi tried. He squeezed his eyes shut and crossed his arms tightly over his chest. He nodded.
Erwin’s hand touched Levi’s head again and ran his fingers through his hair. “Brave boy.”
“I’m thirty fucking years old. Stop being so damn condescending.”
“I’m not trying to be. We’re all boys when we’re scared.”
“Just shut up.”
Erwin didn’t say another word, and that got very awkward, very quickly.
“Jesus. Do you really expect me to do anything with you standing right here?”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No!” he said that a little too loudly to disguise his panic.
Erwin ruffled his hair and waited.
Levi pressed his hands to his eyes, remembered they were still dirty, but left them there. Every bit of him was already filthy anyway. He began to shake. Erwin’s hands were there immediately.
“Tell me, Levi. What’s the best thing I can do right now?”
“I...don’t know.”
“We can stay like this until you figure it out.”
“I don’t know how to figure it out. If I did I wouldn’t be stuck in this fucking addiction center with my fucking OCD that I have no fucking idea how to fix!”
“Levi. Just stop. You’re getting too big picture. Focus on this, just getting through the next five seconds. Breathe.”
“Don’t tell me what to--”
“Then pretend I didn’t tell you, but breathe anyway or you’ll pass out.”
Levi’s forehead scrunched up, as did his nose, but he did take in a breath--albeit an angry one.
The pads of Erwin’s fingers found the creases between Levi’s brows. “You’re going to smack me for this, but you’re kind of cute when you want to tear me a new one.”
Levi lifted his hand, and put it back down quickly, but Erwin had already seen the motion, and known his intention. Because Levi did, indeed, want to smack Erwin, and the blonde looked far too satisfied with the fact. Thankfully he didn’t revel in it long. Erwin lifted his fingers. There was just a whisper of a cool air before the spot was once again occupied. Erwin’s forehead pressed itself to Levi’s. He could smell the blonde. A mixture of antiseptic and deodorant. It was a clean smell.
“I’m going to leave for ten minutes, Levi. You can spend that time as you want. You can count the seconds. You can slowly and methodically curse me out in all the languages you know. Or you can actually use this here toilet I put so much elbow grease into scrubbing. It’s your call.”
And then his forehead was gone, too quickly. Levi hadn’t absorbed enough of its warmth. He lifted his hand, but by the time Erwin was standing he’d retracted it again.
“That sound good to you?”
“Whatever.
The door opened and closed and Levi was left alone. The clean smell was all around him but it wasn’t the same anymore. Just plain old antiseptic. Levi crossed his arms over his middle again, tighter this time. After hours of the man’s company it was now too quiet. He’d survived the past three days without the man, but now he couldn’t recall how he’d done it. He wanted Erwin to be there. The man had cleaned for him. No one had ever cleaned for Levi before. Maybe it was because he was messed up, but he couldn’t think of anything more inherently, well, romantic, than that gesture. There was no selfishness in it. It wasn’t Erwin’s room. But he had come in, and he’d cleaned for Levi when he was incapable of doing so, and...he supposed that kind of effort required an equal amount of effort in return.
He looked down at his lap. Despite whatever Erwin had said, Levi had lost weight. He remembered a time--a time before the alcohol when he’d really had meat on his bones. Hell, he’d had a friggen eight pack at the height of his work out obsession. Working out...he missed that. He remembered when that had been enough. When if he did enough pushups he’d be able to quiet the thoughts demanding he clean. Back then if he exhausted himself enough we was able to wrestle them down until they were manageable. But after Isabel it had all changed. And after Farlan...well that’s when he stopped caring about what happened to himself altogether. He’d wanted to drown himself with the alcohol. To drink until every last thought he would ever have would be destroyed because they were all awful, and he didn’t want to think anymore. And he supposed if he thought about it that sounded a whole lot like wanting suicide, but he didn’t like to think about it, and he hadn’t been forced to think about any of it until Hanji had forced herself back into his life after he’d shut her out and she’d found him passed out in his apartment after he hadn’t gone to work in three days. Now he was in her addiction center because she didn’t trust him to be anywhere else, and that, it seemed, was that. He didn’t have to think about it all though because Erwin said it was okay. He had to focus on the task at hand, he owed it to the man even if the request was a rather gross one.
I don’t ever want to shit again he thought. But that wasn’t an option. I can’t have that touch me. It’s bad enough that it’s already infected my insides but at least it’s contained there. If I let it out everything will become diseased. I don’t know if I can clean it all. Not without my materials. Why won’t they let me have some damn materials? But he knew why. They’d found him that first night, his sheets spotted with blood with the level of violence he’d been scrubbing his skin with. He knew he couldn’t do that again. It had been the initial pain like sandpaper on his brain of the first withdrawal. Then he had felt all the world’s germs clawing to get into him so he’d scrubbed and scrubbed until his nails were bloody swollen nubs. They’d taken everything away after that. In his bathroom now all he had was some shampoo, a bar of soap, and toilet paper. Didn’t they realize that bar soap was practically the most unsanitary thing on the planet? Fucking useless… but no, he realized, there was something else in the bathroom--the lysol can that Erwin had brought. If he used that...but that would be even worse than using sanitizer. That was definitely not made to go on his asshole. But he needed...if he just used a little…
He heard a creak, and jumped guiltily. Right, he was supposed to be acting normally and taking a crap like a regular person. He lifted his shirt and looked down at his stomach. It looked a bit swollen. He prodded it with his fingers and winced. He was really damn backed up. This was going to hurt like putting one of his kidneys through the shredder. Since he’d been clenching so hard to keep everything in he’d probably messed up the muscles--at least temporarily. He had to get them to somehow relax again. He began to massage his stomach. It had to be done hard or he’d never reach the muscles. He tried to relax, but the pain was making that nigh on impossible.
Fucking stupid. No one else has these sorts of problems. No one. I’m a broken ass human who never should have been born. I’m useless. I’m such a fucking stupid waste of space. Can’t even take a goddamn piss. All I know how to do is kill my friends. Should have killed myself a long time ago. Should have done it before Isabel and Farlan. Should have done it before I met Hanji so I didn’t fuck up her life with constant worry. Should have managed to do it in the fucking womb before I killed my damn mother with birth complications. Maybe Kaney wouldn’t have hated me as much then. No. He’d always hate me. I was too messed up. Too different. I embarrassed him in front of my friends. Said I had problems with social cues. Still do. Will always have them because no matter how closely I pay attention I always end up hurting...How many times did you hurt Hanji? How many times did you see her cry and not know what to do? So fucking useless. Maybe Farlan and Isabel are glad to be dead so they won’t have to see the fucking shit mess you turned out to be. What a damn--
Levi’s mind ground to a halt when he heard a noise. It was so scary and pitiful sounding that it took him a moment to realize it was him, and that his whole body was shaking, and that the reason his shoulders were juddering was because he was being wracked with sobs even though he hadn’t cried since Farlan’s death almost two years ago.
“Fuck…”
He pushed both hands to his face but the tears refused to stop.
“Fucking shit!”
He dug his fingers into his skin, not caring about the germs for a second, just wanted everything to explode in pain, to rip away the thoughts with blood--his blood. “I...fucking can’t even...I--”
A door slam, and then hands. Warm hands, big hands, and the full clean smell. Erwin.
“Levi! Levi I’m here, I’m sorry. You don’t have to...damn it. I never should have...not fucking qualified for this. Should have called Nile. If I made things worse Levi I...please tell me Levi. Let me try to fix it. I--”
“Can’t even take a fucking piss, damn it!” Levi shouted, and slammed his head back against the porcelain tank. “What a joke. The only thing I’m any fucking good at is killing people, and even those I don’t do intentionally. Even if I don’t go outside. Even if I lock myself away where no one can see me I can still hurt. I can still…”
He stopped. He couldn’t anymore. But then Erwin’s hand was pulling Levi’s face to his shoulder, and Levi was crying too hard for any sound to come out. Erwin’s composure was returning. It looked like even though Levi had shocked him into cracking he was quick at recovery. He ran his fingers through Levi’s hair and murmured softly to him, but all Levi could do was cling to the man. He could give nothing in return, even though he wanted to--was dying to. Because at that moment he couldn’t recall even a single small thing he’d given to the world and that hurt him deeper than the germs could. It took him awhile, but when he was finally able to catch his breath, he choked out, ‘I just want to do one thing right. Just one little good thing. One thing that doesn’t hurt someone. Help me Erwin. Help me…”
And Erwin’s hands were still there so warm and present. Not pushing him away even though Levi felt he deserved it. He’d been nothing but a disaster since he’d been forced in here. But Erwin didn’t treat him like a disaster. His hands held him as if he was something precious. As if he had something to offer.
“You want to do something?” Erwin murmured.
“Yes.”
“Then relax for me. Close your eyes and let go. I’ll watch over your worries for now so give them to me.”
Levi was exhausted. Three days without sleep and then a crying jag was enough to knock anyone out. He didn’t have the energy to worry anymore. He just wanted some nothingness. He slumped over onto Erwin as the man continued to soothe him, massaging his back and shoulders and smoothing his hair from his face. He must have used the bathroom, though he wasn’t really aware of it. He just remembered having insane pressure inside of him and then not having it anymore. He was glad the world was blurring because Erwin must have cleaned him after that and he would thank any deity in existence that he wasn’t really conscious enough to experience it. He was set down in the chair at first, where he must have dozed off, because it seemed like only a second later that he was being laid back in the bed though the smell of fresh antiseptic and clean sheets hinted that it had been much longer than just a second. But before he could nod off to some deep and proper sleep he was being held up at an angle and something was being pushed against his lip.
“Drink Levi. It’s the last thing I’ll bother you with tonight. Please do it, you’re ridiculously dehydrated, and this cup and water are very clean, I swear.”
Levi reached out blindly and grabbed hold of Erwin’s arm. “Can’t sleep,” he muttered. “The nightmares will find me.”
“I’ll keep them away. Just promise to drink.”
So Levi drank, forcing down the liquid even though his throat muscles protested, and when he was finished he knocked the plastic cup aside and curled up into Erwin’s arms. Before he’d even stopped moving he was dead to the world, his brain having finally crashed into a state of sleep.
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