Chapter Text
The radio had been left on, singing a tune that reminded him of good old times. He had no clue how long he had been staring out of the window for. It was only the familiar bass melody that yanked him out of his dark thoughts. He blinked and tried to take in his surroundings. He was used to his mind fogging up, it was only a matter of trying to recall everything he knew before the clarity would return. He was sitting in his living room, not the hospital, not the stables, not Nicholas’ room. What date was it again? April? May? He noticed the phone sitting next to him and he stared at it for a split second. Eight missed calls, fantastic. He would deal with those later. He rolled his eyes at the avalanche of text messages.
Johnny, this is urgent, we are worried about you. Please answer as soon as you can.
Hey Joestar, I heard from mum, are you okay?
We are waiting to hear from you, you’re not the only one affected by the situation.
With a groan, Johnny buried his phone in his pocket and got up from the chaise lounge, taking slow steps towards the door heading towards the kitchen. Whenever it got this bad it seemed like his legs always got worse as well. Over time, he had regained the use of both of them, and on a good day he could even attempt to jog, but sometimes they just liked to act up and he refused to return to using a wheelchair. He couldn’t.
What date was it again? 15th of April? Saturday? It would be his birthday soon. He gulped loudly. He didn’t want to organise anything for his birthday, he was in fact, pretty sure everyone resented him for going AWOL without notice. How long had it been since he had even interacted with someone face to face? A week? He leaned down on the kitchen island and inspected his planner. Yes. Fuck. He had missed so many things this week. No wonder everyone was worried. And after he had promised them he would fucking try. Sometimes he hated himself.
It’s not like he wasn’t trying. Johnny knew he was being selfish. He knew the situation was hard on everyone. He knew he was old enough to have learned how to cope with loss. But he couldn’t. Not again. Not after he had finally let the past go.
Instead of being strong like he had pretended to be when he was younger, instead of putting on a face and pushing on, he had chosen to withdraw and inconvenience everyone. What a nuisance. He buried his face between his arms. He couldn’t be miserable now, not after everything.
He played with the ring on his finger. How long had it been now since the accident? Three months? He couldn’t remember the date, he felt like an asshole for it. He couldn’t remember a lot of things since then. Doctors said it was a natural response to shock. His brain was helping him bury traumatic memories. He didn’t believe them. He had been through hell when he was younger, why did his brain decide to act up now? He wanted to function again. The doctors said he should take his own time to adapt to the changes, to heal his heart. But he was pretty sure he still felt the exact same as when he had left the hospital that horrible day.
Part of him, his rational mind, knew it wasn’t his fault. Just like he knew that Nicholas’ death wasn’t his fault either. But he was too stubborn to believe it. Why was he the one that had survived both times? He had disappointed his dad the first time, but now he had disappointed an entire family. He didn’t even make it to the funeral this time, what a great husband he was.
His phone rang again. He decided to pick up this time.
“You finally picked up, man. Do you have any idea how many times I tried to get through?”, oh great. Not him. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with him.
“No Diego. I have no idea how many times you tried to get through. I frankly don’t care.”
“Hey Johnny, I don’t like this anymore than you do but everyone’s been blowing up my phone trying to figure out if I know whether you’re still alive or whether you’ve withered away on your couch. I am literally the last person they would contact and they’re driving me mad. I don’t know what your problem is, but you oughta get your head out of your arse and finally deal with it.”
“What the fuck do you mean you don’t know what my problem is? Haven’t you heard from everyone?”
“Of course I have, dumbass. But do you really think that hiding in your room for three months is gonna solve it? You’re not the only one affected by this. H.P told me you’ve not been around. It’s always the Pendletons who show up to drop off George and pick him up. Do you think they’re not as affected by this whole shit more than you are?”
Johnny looked at the planner again. April the 15th. Saturday. He had missed a teacher-parent conference. Again. Fuck. That was probably what one of the missed calls was about. He kept flicking through the pages of the notebook and noted how many things he had scribbled in but did not remember doing. He needed confirmation. He flicked back through the months and there it was, scribbled in red. January 22nd. He felt his heart sink; he didn’t remember anything about that date.
“Johnny are you still there?” He could tell Diego was getting impatient. It finally dawned on him. Fuck.
“Diego, I fucked up.” He choked back a sob and shook his head. Everything came rushing to him at once. He couldn’t believe it. “It’s like I haven’t even existed for all this time. I missed her funeral. I missed my wife’s fucking funeral, Diego.”
Diego went silent and it was clear that he was struggling to find the right words. They had learned to tolerate each other over the years, but he was still so awkward in their interactions. Being talkative wasn't in his nature either, so Johnny didn’t blame him for not knowing how to react to the situation.
“… Hey Johnny… You know, it’s okay. You were in and out of the hospital. No one is blaming you for this. Everyone’s just worried about you. You’ve not been giving any life signals, they don’t wanna lose you too. Just… Just call them, okay? Let them know you’re still here. They don’t hate you.”
“Diego. I killed my wife in that accident. It’s my fault she’s dead. I’m the one who took their Rina away.”
“No Johnny, that accident wasn’t your fault, and no one is blaming you for it except yourself. I hate when you act like this. Stop. We all know what happened. Rina would be happy to see you move on and start being happy for yourself. I’m sure George would appreciate it too.”
So here he was, Johnny Joestar, sitting in his apartment kitchen crying on the phone to his ex-nemesis who was awkwardly trying to comfort him because no one else had been able to reach him until now. He hated Diego, but he had to give it to him for trying. It seemed like the fog was starting to lift from his head. He felt like he saw clearly for the first time in a very long time.
“You’re right Diego. Sorry you had to deal with this. I’ve been grieving for long enough. I… I probably should start replying to everyone soon.”
“Good, I hate seeing you being a miserable prick. You owe me for this, by the way. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve had to answer the fucking phone to the Pendleton’? Fuck you.” He meant it in a playful manner. Johnny could hear the smirk in his tone.
“Shut up Diego, I’ve done worse for you…” A long pause, “Thanks. I owe you.”
He hung up. He didn’t want to subject Diego to any more of this torture.
First things first, Johnny noted that he should probably take a shower and fix the mess that was his house. He would try and get himself sorted out first before he replied to everyone. They had waited long enough, waiting a few more hours wouldn’t hurt them. He wasn’t feeling any better, or any less sorry for himself, but he was ready to start trying again. He thought of his late wife, he was sure she wouldn’t like seeing him like this. He thought of his little boy, currently staying with his in-laws; he had burdened the Pendletons long enough. He knew they loved George, and that George was still young enough to not notice many things, but even still, he needed the presence of his dad. He couldn’t keep being absent like this. He couldn’t do that to little George.
The tune from the radio was stuck in his head, and it made Johnny remember him. He knew if Gyro was around, he would drag Johnny out of his bad mood even if it took everything in him to do so. He smiled and wondered how the Italian man was doing. They had lost contact many years ago, but he still remembered all his stories fondly.
After a long time debating whether it was okay to call or not, whether it was too late, or whether it was unwelcome, he decided to take the plunge and just call. Mrs. Pendleton was ecstatic when she picked up the phone and heard Johnny’s voice.
“Oh dear, Johnny, you finally answered.” He swore he could hear tears in her voice, but he wasn’t sure.
“I… I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say that would make it any better, but I am ready to start trying again.”
“Dear, don’t apologise. I’m so happy that you’re okay Johnny.” Yeah, she was definitely crying, “I… I know this is hard on you. We all knew how much you loved Rina. We all loved her so much, I still miss her every day, but we need you back, Johnny. George needs you back.”
He sighed, he still wasn’t sure how to deal with the situation, how to reply or whether he was ready to have this conversation. “I know, I think Rina would kick my arse if she saw the way I’ve been behaving. I… I would like to apologise for everything. For all the troubles I’ve caused your family, and for taking Rina away.”
“Johnny, don’t. No one is blaming you for this. Rina is not around to smack your head but I certainly am. I’m just happy you’re finally back. Take your time, I know this isn’t easy on you. The doctors explained. We’ll be here to support you, we’re still family after all.”
Johnny stayed silent. This conversation was proving to be much harder than he had imagined.
“Dear, I know you’re still processing this. I know you’ve not been in the right head space for it. You should take your time to heal, we’ll take care of George until you’re back on your feet, but you should come visit, spend some time with him. He misses his dad, you know? He’s still so young…”
“Yes. I definitely need to see him. I’m sorry I’ve been troubling you like this, Mrs. Pendleton. I would be really thankful if you took care of him just a little longer. I promise you I’ll be fine soon--”
“--Oh, I know! It’s your birthday next weekend, isn’t it? Why don’t you come on over to our place, we’ll have a little celebration with all your close friends, it’ll be a fun way to get you started on the road of recovery, right?”
Johnny wanted to refuse. He didn’t have that many close friends. Not many he still kept in contact with, at least. Most of his social life before the accident revolved around Rina’s friends and George. Not that he minded, he was content enough. But he wasn’t sure if he wanted to see those people on his birthday. They were Rina’s friends, not his. He feared the looks they’d give him. He feared the possibility of them blaming him for everything. What if he had a breakdown in front of those people? But he couldn’t refuse Mrs. Pendleton. She only wanted the best for him.
“Sure, that could work. I’m not sure who’d count as a close friend anymore, though.” He laughed, but it came out wrong, he was sure.
“Don’t worry, I’ll call in a helping hand. I’ll see you soon Johnny. I thank the stars that you’re still with us.”
With that, the conversation was over and Johnny felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He let himself fall on the bed and looked up to the ceiling, thinking of nothing until sleep took him over.