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x.
Well, all right, Sir Adam thought doubtfully. I suppose this could be the place.
It was the ugliest barn he’d ever seen. But above it all, suspended from the darkening clouds, in all its splendid glory, was the holy grail, the most sacred of all sacred things: a shining, impossibly beautiful, platinum compact disc.
x.
Sir Adam pushed open the door.
He was greeted by a man in black leather pants and--well, a quick glance (don’t look, don’t look, don’t look) confirmed that he was in fact wearing nothing else.
And the leather pants were backless.
Sir Adam the Not-Quite-Chaste did his best to look anywhere except at the man’s ass.
“Who are you? What is this place?” Sir Adam demanded.
“Isaac. And--well, it’s a castle.”
“No, it isn’t. It’s a barn.”
“Haven’t you ever seen a barn-shaped castle before?”
“Castles have--moats! And drawbridges, and--and--oh, forget it. What is this place called?”
“Castle anfjdlksaj;lfdj,” Isaac said.
“Castle what?” Adam asked, clutching his shield.
“Castle anfjdlksaj;lfdj!”
“Sir, I will have to ask you to stop mumbling.”
“--oh, all right, it’s castle Anthrax,” man said sulkily.
“Anthrax?” Sir Adam squeaked.
The man leaned in and whispered, “We get so much shit for the name, you wouldn’t even believe it.”
“Oh, I believe it,” Sir Adam said, casting a wary glance around the room. “Now tell me where the grail is.”
“Oh, that,” Isaac said. Then he smiled broadly. “But sir knight, we need your protection. We are a group of silly eighteen to twenty-one year old men in leather pants stuck all alone in this castle--”
“Barn,” Sir Adam muttered.
“Castle, and you look like you could use a good rest, so won’t you stay?” Without waiting for an answer, he continued, “Sauli, Kris, you take him and find him a bed, and make sure he stays there.”
“Thank you, Isaac, thank you!” they replied in unison, dragging Sir Adam down the hall.
x.
Sauli and Kris pushed him down onto a large bed.
“We’ll attend to your every need,” Sauli and Kris said. “We’re doctors too, you know.” They paused. “Well, we’ve completed basic medical training.”
“How do you keep talking together like that?” Sir Adam asked, slapping away Kris’s hand, which had wandered perilously close to his dick.
“Just relax,” they said. They began to massage his thighs. “What big muscles you have,” they tittered.
Sauli’s hand pressed down on Sir Adam’s groin, and god, it felt good, and he arched up into the touch--
“Oh, shit,” Sir Adam said. “The grail.”
Sir Adam scrambled out of the bed and backed into the corridor.
x.
“I seek the grail! I have seen it above this--this--castle!” Sir Adam said.
“And who are you, hot stuff?” the man said.
“Isaac, it’s me, Sir Adam--”
“I’m Tommy, Isaac’s identical twin brother.” He paused. “We’re not identical, actually. Or brothers, for that matter.”
“You’re dressed alike! You’re all dressed alike, you evil tempters. Why don’t your pants have backs? Who are you people?” Sir Adam said hysterically. Tommy opened his mouth to speak and Adam put a hand up to stop him. “Wait! Never mind that! I demand to see the grail!”
“The grail?” Tommy looked confused, and then “Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Isaac. Wicked, wicked, wicked, bad, naughty Isaac. He’s lit the grail-shaped beacon.”
“The what? You mean there’s no grail here?”
“Oh, naughty, naughty, naughty Isaac.” Tommy did look genuinely upset, Sir Adam had to give him that.
Sir Adam was, however, getting the feeling he was stuck in somebody else’s comedy bit.
“I tell the jokes here,” he said decisively.
“What on earth are you talking about?” Tommy said, whirling his finger around his ear. “The punishment for lighting the grail-shaped beacon is--well, you’ll have to take Isaac to his bedroom--”
“--and let me guess: give him a good spanking?” Sir Adam said, eyeing Tommy’s matching assless leather pants.
“That’s the spirit!” Tommy said. “I was going to say you could fuck him--he’s willing, you know, utterly besotted--but if you want to get kinky--”
“I’m completely vanilla,” Sir Adam said quickly.
“Right,” Tommy said with a wave of his hand. “And when you’re done, you can spank me--”
“Vanilla!” Adam said.
Tommy rolled his eyes. “Fine, fine. You can fuck me--”
“And me!” Sauli and Kris said, setting off a chorus of “And me!”s.
Sir Adam, the Not-Quite Chaste, did the only thing he could do: he put his hand on the nearest ass he could find.
x.
Sir Monte burst into the room.
“Sir Adam! You’re in grave--” his voice faltered as he took in the scene on the bed. Sir Adam was undressed from the waist down, surrounded by men eyeing him as if he were the holy grail. “--danger?” he finished weakly.
“Um,” Sir Adam said.
“The grail quest!--”
“Excuse my French*, Sir Monte, but fuck the grail quest.”
Sir Monte crossed his arms over his chest. “Sir Adam.”
“All right, fine! Give me an hour,” Sir Adam said. He glanced down at the pile of men on his bed. “Maybe two.”
x.
*If Sir Adam were speaking French, he would have said something like this.