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In all his years of being an idol, maybe even prior that when he was still a trainee, Taeyong already accepted his fate of being single for possibly a long, long time. It’s not that was craving for love and affection, no—he already got that from a lot of people. But sometimes, in the dead of the night, he wonders how it feels like to be loved and adored by one person whom he loved back just as much. He wonders how it feels like being held and kissed and coddled without scrutiny. He wonders if he’ll ever have what his sister and her husband has with someone else. Sometimes, he likes to think that it’s okay if he doesn’t. He’s happy with his life—but sometimes, he also thinks how it would feel if he gets to share his happiness and love with someone.
That someone happens to be his dream boy and dream lover all in the body of his best friend-slash-bandmate Jung Yoonoh. Jaehyun. Jae, as he’d fondly call him most days.
Taeyong is not dumb. Catching feelings at a young age over his best friend was normal. He knew that. He knew keeping feelings to himself was normal, and if said feelings weren’t reciprocated, it would hurt. A lot. He knew it all. Yet what he feels for Jaehyun just magnifies each passing day and it sucked.
Three years into debut, Taeyong was mostly successful in keeping everything at bay. He was level-headed if not a bit too rational. He’s just human. He cracks sometimes.
On his downtime, when he’s not busy resting and cooking for the kids, his mind would drift back to the time when they were trainees. He and Jaehyun used to talk about everything and nothing—dreams, family, friends, childhood, the future. Cafes that Jaehyun would stumble upon. Cute botiques that Taeyong would stumble upon. They used to be together all the time back then, even now, but the anonymity was something that Taeyong wished they still had whenever there are times that he just wanted to hold Jaehyun’s hand in public, kiss him, be affectionate with him. Just love him without boundaries.
It all goes in the drain at the end of the day, though. Taeyong wouldn’t risk it. What they have is too good to be traded for something as risky as an actual relationship. He’s not selfish, and he wouldn’t put their careers on the line—not when they’ve worked too hard for it. Not when he sees Jaehyun’s smile at the end of a successful concert or a music show performance, not when Jaehyun looks at their fans with hearts in his eyes. Taeyong is no different.
In an alternate universe, though, in his head, he’s happy and Jaehyun’s with him. They kiss and hug and share discreet laughter and secret touches. Taeyong could live with that for a while.
Sometimes, Jaehyun hates how Mark just notices everything.
“You know, hyung isn’t the type of person who acts on these kinds of things.” He says over dinner one night, just the two of them around Itaewon, in a small Italian restaurant tucked in between tattoo shops.
He groans mid-bite, pasta dangling from his lips. Mark chuckles at him over his draft beer.
“I’m serious. And I’m not really lying. I really caught him one day just browsing through your selfies together. The Dispatch thing, yeah.” Mark’s face becomes serious for a while, his eyes honest as he looks at Jaehyun. “Whatever it is you’re thinking, the answer is yes, I think he likes you. Loves you, even.”
There wasn’t much in Jaehyun’s trainee life. It didn’t stress him out that much. It tired him, but what’s there to just dancing and singing and vocal lessons, acting lessons, expression training? It’s all basic to the point that it’s sometimes uneventful. So no, nothing was really challenging in Jung Yoonoh’s two decades of living except maybe harbouring a massive crush on the only constant in his life—Lee Taeyong. Best friend extraordinaire. His fate. His Taeyong-hyung.
Ever since they met, they’ve been attached at the hip. The longest time they’ve been away from each other is a week and that was the longest week of Jaehyun’s life. Everything he does, Taeyong has always been there. They trained together and debuted together. They live together. It’s 24/7 of him and his favourite person. There wasn’t much to say. Anyone would be foolish to not fall in love with Taeyong. Jaehyun, unfortunately, is not a fool.
To say that he’s blind from everything Taeyong does with him and for him is an understatement, and Mark doesn’t forget to point it out.
“Hyung, can’t you see? It’s always ‘Jaehyunnie would like this’, or ‘Jaehyunnie is asleep, don’t bee too loud’, or ‘Jaehyunnie bought a pair of those shoes’ and I wasn’t even talking about shoes.” Mark deadpanned, recalling the time when he was on a shopping stroll with Taeyong in LA and he just couldn’t stop talking about Jaehyun. Mark didn’t mind, but he was just so tired of them pining in oblivion.
Jaehyun’s cheeks are flushed pink, from the beer or the sudden onslaught of feelings, Mark couldn’t tell. But he was quite getting to where he wants to—push Jaehyun towards Taeyong so they can get their happy-ever-after.
“What if he doesn’t? What if he thinks this is wrong? What if—“
“I’m not drunk enough for this shit.”
“Hey, language—“
“Trust me, hyung. Just this once. 100% I’m right. I bet you a hundred US dollars or so help me Jesus.”
Jaehyun contemplates for a long, long time. Long enough to finish his pasta and crepe, long enough for the ride home to be restless, long enough to find Taeyong sitting at the kitchen waiting for them to come back.
“Hey, what took you so long?” Taeyong was wearing a pout. The fact that he was only addressing Jaehyun while he was with Mark hit something different in his heart. “Oh,” As if noticing his slip-up. “I mean, what took you guys so long?”
Mark was smiling. It wasn’t a big deal for him being left out of things like these. Donghyuck showered him with enough attention on the daily to feel left out. “Traffic was bad, hyung. I’m heading to bed. Night night!” He shoves past the two on the way to his bedroom.
“You have a schedule tomorrow, Jae. You should go to sleep.” Taeyong says after a moment of them just standing in the kitchen. Breathing.
“And you have a flight tomorrow so you should be asleep, too. Why’re you still up, though?” Jaehyun fixes himself a cup of warm water while Taeyong just stands there in his pyjamas, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly, as if he was caught something he wasn’t supposed to be doing.
“Ya, what kind of leader do you think I am? I’m not sleeping ’til everyone’s here. Especially not when you’re just out for dinner without a manager with you.”
That part was true. Taeyong does it all the time. He was great like that, always looking out for all of them. But Mark’s last words before they ascended into their floor rang at the back of Jaehyun’s mind. Just go for it, hyung. Be happy.
Jaehyun wanted to be happy.
“Were you waiting for me?” He asks, the grip he has on the cup in his hand tightening a bit, as if an anchor.
Taeyong’s eyes widen visibly, cheeks blooming crimson. He gapes for a while before seemingly going back to his senses. “W-what?” He asks dumbly, as if he didn’t hear it the first time.
“I said, were you waiting for me, hyung?” Jaehyun sets the cup down, afraid that if he drops it he’ll just ruin this moment.
“I—I was waiting for both—“
“Hyung.” Jaehyun stops directly in front of Taeyong, a mere foot away. He sees how Taeyong sucks in a breath, flushes red even more than he already is, ducks his head to hide his face, steps back just a little as Jaehyun crowds him against the wall.
“Jae, what are you doing?” Taeyong asks, barely a whisper, barely even a question. He glups, nervousness barely hidden by his sudden fumbling fingers.
“Someone told me I should go and make myself happy.” Jaehyun’s voice is low from how he whispers the words directly into Taeyong’s ears. He feels the shiver of Taeyong’s body against his where he presses their chests together, heartbeats echoing each other’s in the silence of the night.
“…and how would you do that?” Taeyong’s voice is small and shy, and that is Jaehyun’s favorite melody to hear. He waits for a couple of heartbeats before he pushes away slightly, eyes locking against Taeyong’s. They’re wide and gentle and shy and inquisitive at the same time, and Jaehyun feels himself getting lost in them for all of eternity.
The first press was shy, but the more he pushes, the more Jaehyun feels right. It wasn’t fireworks in his chest, but rather the smooth waves of the ocean as it licks the shore—rapid and intense, and then gentle and delicate as it goes. Their lips slot together perfectly like they were made for each other, and Jaehyun’s mind goes blank for a few seconds before he feels Taeyong grab his jaw and pushes in for more.
Jaehyun wasn’t one to deny him anything in the first place.
He pushes Taeyong entirely into the wall of their kitchen, both hands on his hyung’s small hips, their tangled lips a powerful yet gentle reminder that this is happening. They’re probably smitten with each other all this time and they’ve waited for years for this to finally happen. They’re both dumb but yet here they are.
“J-jae,” Taeyong breaks them for a while, eyes twinkling with unshed tears as they search for Jaehyun’s in the dim light. “Is this—are you—“
“I’ve wanted to do that since forever.” Jaehyun leaves a small but heartfelt peck just on the corner of Taeyong’s lips. He presses their foreheads together. Taeyong closes his eyes, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart. “I wasn’t sure if that was okay but I’d like to, uh…” He trails off, not actually knowing what to say. “I just—I’ve loved you for so long, hyung. I actually don’t know what to say—“
Taeyong stares at the clock overhead. 12:25AM. He’s got a flight to Los Angeles in less than seven hours and he’s got to be up and ready in 4. If they talk about this now, there’s no way they’re going to get some rest before their respective schedules later in the day. And Taeyong is suddenly reminded that this is their current life—they’re idols in this universe and there’s nothing they can do but be discreet about it. But it’s as if Jaehyun knows his mind better than he does, he feels a hand on his cheek, soft and reassuring. He looks back at Jaehyun who’s face is that of so much understanding.
“We should get some rest, hyung.”
“But,” But I love you too and I want to say it back. I want you to know, Jae.
“We’ll see each other when you get back.”
Taeyong nods obediently. This wasn’t new. If anyone can make him bend when he’s being hard-headed, it’s only Jaehyun.
He sneaks one more kiss, though, a long and thorough one, with his arms tight around Jaehyun’s neck to anchor him into their alternate reality.
I love you. I hope you know.
I know.
//
They don’t see each other that morning.
Taeyong, along with Mark, Yukhei, and Ten, were whisked early to get to the airport on time. Jaehyun was still asleep. There’s a restless feeling heavy on his chest because he didn’t get to say it back. Jaehyun didn’t hear what he had to say. Never in this lifetime did he think they’d come to this point but Jaehyun just had to beat him to it. He was so unfair. Taeyong was so sure he loved him first.
He closes his eyes, shut off from his members as he hoards the back of the van alone, AirPods in while he listens to that Cigarettes After Sex albums that Jaehyun loves so much. It wasn’t even Taeyong’s type of music, but he grew to love it because Jaehyun loved it too much. At one point, it was all he played on his turntable.
They meet Jongin, Baekhyun, and Taemin at the airport. There were so many fans. Check-in was a messy affair. Taeyong just wanted to get to the airplane as fast as possible and shut down his mind for all of sixteen hours until they get to Los Angeles.
Super M promotions are gonna be long, and it dawned on him that this is going to be the longest time he’ll be separated from Jaehyun since their fateful meeting as trainees all those years ago.
When they get to the VIP lounge, his phone dings with several messages. Chenle wishes him good luck, the sweet boy that he is. He gets some more from the 127 chatbox from Yuta and Taeil. Several minutes later, he gets a text from Jeno with just fist bump, heart, and smiling emojis. Taeyong feels a lot better now, but he still feels empty, because the one person he’s hoping to text him is still not texting him. Ten senses his distress.
“Something wrong?” He plops down next to Taeyong with a bowl of yogurt in his hands. “You hungry, hyung? Want some yogurt?”
Yogurt doesn’t sound so appealing right now, but this VIP lounge wouldn’t have samgyetang, anyway. Ten offers him a scoop from his own spoon and Taeyong gratefully accepts it.
“I’m fine. Just didn’t get much sleep.” He wasn’t lying. The moment the door to his room closes, it felt like he hasn’t been tired since ten in the morning.
“Mm, ‘kay. Just get some rest on the plane. Maybe you should get some porridge. I can hear your stomach grumbling from here.” Ten laughs when Taeyong pouts. He nods but stands up anyway to get some food.
-
LA is weird without the rest of 127. There was Mark, sure, and Ten, and Yukhei, but his fondest memories of the States were with 127 altogether. He didn’t think he’d miss the rest that much. The second week of promotions already had him drained to the bone. Too many guesting, too many events, too much English. He didn’t think he’d also have to be the responsible one in a different group where three people are older and more experienced than him. But, to be fair, he was the only leader in their mixed bunch.
Yukhei tries his best to lift everyone’s tired selves. It works because he’s such a happy pill. Ten sticks to his side at all times, and Mark is generally just an angel who helps him with most of the stuff. He forgets the weight of Jaehyun in his heart for a while and even got to do a bunch of shopping with Ten and Yukhei during their one day off. American food starts to taste gross so he pleads their manager to let them have ssam one night in Korea town. He felt fine for a while, felt carefree and successful in the haze of their promotion. Doyoung and Johnny keeps him updated with everything back home and Yuta messages him nonstop reminding him to not skip meals and get enough rest. Kun sends him a voice message reminding him to eat well and enjoy, and to ‘please tell Yukhei to not ignore my messages, thank you’. Renjun sends him a picture of Jisung and Chenle making a T and a Y with their bodies. Taeyong makes it his lock screen.
By eleven, they were all tucked in bed, ready for another round of something for tomorrow. It feels nice having his own room for once because the last thing he wanted was someone asking him why he’s crying. He didn’t even notice until a tear slides down his cheek. He’s overwhelmed by his members’ support, but Jaehyun has been MIA since that night. It’s been two fucking weeks and Taeyong is silently crying in agony.
Just as he was about to put his phone away, Jaehyun is calling him through FaceTime and Taeyong nearly drops his phone in alarm, anger, and happiness all at once.
“What the fuck—fuck, why now of all times!” He say to no one in particular, then realizing that the room is dark and Jaehyun can’t possibly see his tear-stained cheeks.
He accepts the call nervously.
“Hi.” Jaehyun greets first, and he looks really fucking breathtaking. He’s just in his room, that much Taeyong can tell from the bed frame, wearing his favorite black shirt that he wears to sleep, with his hair down loose. “Is this a bad time?”
Yes, it’s a bad time. It took you two weeks to contact me. I’ve been in pain for two whole weeks and yet I can’t bring myself to message you first because it should be your move.
“It’s—it’s fine. I was about to sleep.”
Taeyong thinks maybe Jaehyun didn’t think about the time difference at all.
“Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t think about the…” And he was right. “I should hang up.”
“No!” Taeyong catches himself half-yelling into the stillness of his room. Jaehyun is surprised with the way his eyes widen in shock. “I waited two weeks for you to call me, text me. Anything. Two weeks, Jae.” And just like that, with the confession comes the tears he’s been holding in.
“Yong,” The old nickname slips out. Back then when it was just them, Taeyong didn’t mind that Jaehyun wanted to drop the formalities with him. They were best friends after all. Formalities didn’t matter. They were Yong and Jae to each other. “Yong, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” Jaehyun drops his phone on the bed, the screen showing half of the ceiling and half of Jaehyun’s hair that was falling against this eyes. He can’t believe they’re having this talk in FaceTime. His voice is small when he continues amidst Taeyong’s sniffling. “I was—I was just so scared. I—I don’t know what will happen when you come back. I know it was okay with you, that this was okay with you. But I just…” He trails off, goes out of frame for a while before he appears right back. His eyes are red like he’s been crying. Taeyong hears a faint and controlled sob from Jaehyun’s side and his heart breaks. Jaehyun must be trying hard to hold it in. “I was missing you so much. I am missing you so much. It hurt not seeing you everyday, and I didn’t want to be clingy, you know? I just told you I love you and then you were gone. I just—“
“Shut up.” Taeyong sits up on his bed, not caring that Jaehyun can’t even see him but he needs to make his point. “Shut up. I love you, too. I wanted to say it. I want this, too. Just as much as you do. Maybe even more than you do. I couldn’t stop thinking about that night. I miss you and I want to be with you. For a long, long time if we can.” The finality in his voice somewhat makes Jaehyun stop crying. His face lights up, dimples going deeper than ever from how big he’s smiling. It’s Taeyong’s most favourite thing in the world.
“Shit, this is really happening over FaceTime.” Jaehyun’s voice is happy. He’s giddy and giggly and it’s all Taeyong wanted to see. He feels a sudden rush of affection towards his lover—?—and a big chunk of something being lifted off of his entire being. He feels surreal.
“Beats me.” Taeyong chuckles from the other line.
“You should rest.” Jaehyun suggests as bites his lip, trying to make out Taeyong’s features from the darkness. “I’ll see you soon, Yong.” He lies down on the bed, feeling every bit of being drunk in love. “Three more days, right?”
There’s a happy lilt in Taeyong’s voice when he says, “Right. 3 more days. See you.”
I’ll be waiting.
//
If Jaehyun thought he’d pass off as clingy just by merely texting Taeyong, well, he was so, so wrong.
The moment Taeyong steps into their dorm, he disregards every excited greeting of ‘welcome back, you guys!’ directed towards him, Mark, Ten, and Yukhei. Every one of them was there, but none of that matters because his eyes zero-in on Jaehyun and Jaehyun only. Their smiles were so bright it puts the sun to shame.
“Jae!” Fuck being discreet. Taeyong jumps right into Jaehyun’s embrace and hides his partially-embarrassed face into Jaehyun’s neck. Everyone looks on in amusement, not really oblivious to the thing that Taeyong and Jaehyun have. Everybody knows it except for the two of them and it shows.
“Oh my god, this is turning out way more amusing than I thought.” Jaemin quips in from his position on Renjun’s lap.
“Shut up, hyung. You’re ruining the moment!” Jisung whisper-shouts.
“Okay, the kids didn’t have to see this.” Johnny claps and everyone else gather around Mark, Ten, and Yukhei to ask them how everything went.
Ten looks at the two with happy eyes and a small smile. He knows Taeyong wasn’t one to talk about his personal problems or feelings easily, and even close as the two of them are, Taeyong wouldn’t want to burden Ten with such feelings. Ten had a hunch, though, because nothing ever burdens Taeyong more than his feelings for Jaehyun does. He doesn’t tell anyone about it, but he didn’t have to know that everyone knows because he was just so obvious.
In the middle of the chaos of getting American snacks that Johnny had graciously asked Ten to buy for him (as if he couldn’t buy it in Seoul) with everyone else claiming everything, Jaehyun silently holds Taeyong in the hallway, quite far from the rest but still near for them to see the moment. They hug for a long, long time, not really saying anything, but rather just basking in the presence of each other. Nearly three weeks without the other almost had them going insane. There really wasn’t a Taeyong without a Jaehyun to complete him, without a Jaehyun to completely reduce him in a state of happy malfunction.
They always joke about Taeyong malfunctioning, but they really weren’t prepared for what’s more to come.
Taeyong stares and stares at Jaehyun from where his head is nestled in the cook of Jaehyun’s shoulder. He says nothing, and it’s kind of getting creepy, but Jaehyun knows better. He laughs as he looks down, pinching Taeyong’s nose.
“What?”
“I love you.” Taeyong says almost robotically. It makes Jaehyun laugh. The rich, deep laugh that he has whenever something is too funny. Taeyong is funny. Taeyong makes him laugh. Taeyong makes him so happy.
“I love you, too.” He says, low enough only for Taeyong to hear. “What’s all this, huh? What show are you trying to put on in front of them?” Jaehyun didn’t mind, though. He didn’t mind Taeyong openly fawning over him as long as Taeyong’s happy doing it. He doesn’t mind the friendly teasing that is inevitable from Johnny and Yuta. Maybe even Mark. His head is already throbbing thinking about it but he knows it’s all in good thought. He knows they’re all happy for them.
“A little birdie told me to be happy. So I did.” Taeyong quips in, back to Earth, finally.
Jaehyun looks up and sees Mark raise a thumbs up towards them while everybody else are fighting Jeno who got a hold of the limited-edition all-red Skittles.
He smiles gratefully at his friend, happy that he followed Mark Lee, of all people, for once.
“You hungry?” Jaehyun asks Taeyong suddenly, like he just fucking knows Taeyong inside out, even his current emotions and feelings. Currently, Taeyong was hungry, and Jaehyun just knows.
“Jesus, you just know everything about me, do you?”
Jaehyun just smiles at him. “I couldn’t make samgyetang but I ordered from that place you love.”
Taeyong beams at him, ever so beautiful and big, and kisses him right there for everyone to see.
Someone hollers from the background and they’re pretty sure it’s Yuta. They hear Sicheng screech, and Yuta suddenly stops. They’re guessing Sicheng had probably manhandled him to silence.
Taeyong laughs mid-kiss. Now it was Jaehyun’s turn to be embarrassed.
“I can’t believe it took us this long.” Taeyong hugs him again, head leaning tenderly on Jaehyun’s shoulder.
“I guess you really are my fate, huh? Taeyongie-hyung, my fate Taeyongie-hyung.”
And it all clicks into place.